Tuesday, 6 September 2011

Trust, Fear and Hope

I think I have been building up for another bad period. Lately I had been feeling stronger, braver, more confident and more sure of myself. Always a bad sign...

The last few days have left me exhausted emotionally, mentally and also physically. I feel sick in my stomach just at the thought of human contact. I want so to climb to the top of a building and throw myself off, BUT, I want someone there to catch me. It's not a case of wanting death, NOT AT ALL. It's a case of wanting life, to be caught, to be rescued.

It has been such a battle to get to the stage that I am at, in all aspects of my life. Though I may not be where I want to be, I fought even to get here. Am I fighting myself too? My own demons and insecurities. Am I my own worst enemy?!?

To be accepted and liked, loved even, for who I am has been something I always wanted. It seems though when some of those things are happening it sends me running to hide under the bed. Unsure, can't be true, not me, I am nothing. This leads to mistrust. Those who have been kind even I mistrust, what is their motive, what do they want? I hate being like this.

There are people out there that would try and manipulate this situation, to see the weakness and strike whilst defences are down.

There has always been a fear inside me with regards my daily social interactions. Who is an abuser? Where are they hiding? Who is going to get me next? Paranoia!!!

Online social networks are great for those of us who are shy of proper face to face interactions initially, but therein lies the danger. Who are we talking to? It would not be beyond the twisted, deviant behaviour of abusers to pose as victims. In most cases I feel I can tell if someone is genuine. There are a few in which I am uncertain.

Fortunately we "survivors" tend to be a hardy lot and we also look out for others. There are a number of people who I keep an eye on, just to make sure they are not suffering in silence or feeling afraid. I also know that a few people are watching my back too. Thank you.

Another issue which saddens me is the number of people who have contacted me privately stating that they understand my words and my message as they are survivors too. Sad because they have had to endure and sad because in some cases they are not really understanding what has happened top them and therefore they are hiding because of the damned social stigma attached to being a sexual abuse survivor. There are some cases where there is acceptance but the person wants to keep the "abuse issue" away from their public persona. I respect their privacy in ALL cases.

I hope that in the not too distant future this stigma and "shame" attached to being a victim can be totally wiped out. Sex offenders are vocal enough in claiming human rights for themselves once they are caught.

It's our turn.

Nobody can turn back the clock to undo what was done, but we all have a chance to make the future a safer place.


Welshcakes Limoncello said...

I hadn't realised there bwas such a stigma involved. As you say, it is the abusers who should be ashamed, not the abused. I hope that understanding will spread.

v said...

I too remember recognizing that it was when I was feeling strong that I was ready for a fall. But I've come to realize with many of those 'bad periods' as you put it...that they weren't bad at all. Those experiences now serve to remind me that I have successfully accomplished some level of healing.

I now imagine that scene from 'Shrek' when Shrek is trying to tell Donkey that he has 'layers.' Healing from abuse has layers, too! ;)

Or maybe now that I think about it, that great feeling we get of being strong is like the one we get when we pick at a scab! lol It feels so good...but then we discover the damage underneath...yikes!

Maybe if we think of these bad periods as an opportunity to release unknown infection from festering, it will help us to not resist these periods which are actually for our good.

I used to hide my status of an abuse victim....even though I wasn't sexually abused. It doesn't matter what kind of abuse a person has suffered, they are often blamed for their own abuse. It's a symptom of our sick society..

I wish all of us could stop hiding...use our real names and faces...so we can be free.

Sharon Rose said...

What you write here, resonates deep inside for me. I know that feeling of wanting to be caught, then running to hide under the bed. For me the embarrassment of wanting to be caught was so overwhelming when someone came to catch me, I ran, ashamedly to hide my face for fear of looking stupid.

Now, I realize I am not alone.
This must be "normal" for those who have been abused. And there shouldn't be a stigma for the abused. I have placed a stigma on myself as "damaged goods" and realize I am the only one who can take it off. It took me years to remove that half price sticker.
Sometimes it only takes five minutes to put it back on. I really hate when I do that to myself.

Anonymous said...

I was molested by 3 family members and MY HEALER is JESUS CHRIST, whom WE ILL deliver you out of the hands oc s as tan, who DOES KOT WANT YOU TO FORGIVE THE 1(s) who committed such unspeakable acts of depraved indifference that leaves you feeling VIOLATED, ABUSED, DIRTY, LIKE IT'S YOUR FAULT! WHY? Because satan and ALL HIS DEMONS , are who tempt the SPIRIT OF LUST in those who do not resist his filthy spirits of violations to WE, HIS VICTIMS WHO SUFFER STILL FROM ALL SUCH ABOMINABLE ACTS, knowing that 90% of those who do commit such crimes against GOD'S COMMANDMENTS AND NATUDAL AFFECTIONS, will 1 day become the next generation of PERVERTED, SEX PEDOPHELIAS, RAPISTS, AND MURDERERS, lest they become A CHILD OF CHRIST, THROUGH THE GIFT OF SALVATION THROUGH JESUS CHRIST �� (John 3:3,5,16, chptr 14:6 & Romans 10:13-15)


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