Friday, 8 May 2015
SurvivorsUK define male sexual violation as any unwanted or non-consensual sexual act performed against a man or boy at any time in his life.
I feel numb. How can I be so calm? Why can’t I cry?
Disbelief and/or Denial
Did it really happen? Why me? Maybe I just imagined it. It’s not really important.
What will people think? I can’t tell my family or friends.
I feel completely filthy, disgusting, like there’s something wrong with me. I can’t get clean.
I feel as if it’s my fault, or I should’ve been able to stop it. If only I had…
How am I going to get through the day? I’m so tired! I feel so hopeless. What’s the point of going on?
Will I ever feel in control again?
I don’t even know what day it is, or where I’m supposed to be. I keep forgetting things.
I’m reliving what happened! I keep seeing, hearing and smelling things that bring it right back and I feel like it’s happening all over again.
I’m scared of everything. What if I have an STI or AIDS? I can’t sleep because I’ll have nightmares. I’m afraid to go out. I’m afraid to be alone.
I’m having panic attacks. I can’t breathe. I can’t stop shaking. I feel overwhelmed.
I feel like hurting the person who attacked me or lashing out at the world.
My stomach (or head or back) aches all the time. I feel jittery and don’t want to eat.
The long term consequences of sexual violation are well documented and comprise a wide range of psychological, emotional, physical, and social effects. These include anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, drug and alcohol addiction, borderline personality disorder, sleep disorders, eating disorders, schizophrenia, psychosis, grief, post-traumatic reactions, poor self perception, sexual dysfunction, social dysfunction, dysfunction of relationships (including parenting), poor education and employment records, and a range of physical symptoms. The symptoms in an individual may be specific or general, episodic or chronic.
The percentage of adults who experienced sexual abuse as children and had long term effects is not known, although in one British study 13% of a sample of such adults reported that they had been permanently damaged.
Contact Survivors UK
Twitter - @SurvivorsUK
Web - http://www.survivorsuk.org/
FaceBook - https://www.facebook.com/SurvivorsUK
Thursday, 7 May 2015
Recent traumatic events in my private life have been taking their toll on me. Today whilst out shopping I had a vivid flashback. I controlled its immediate effects and carried on with my day.
During a heated discussion this evening it happened again. This time I was able to tie it in to other memories and was able to recall the name of the man involved.
My anus was bright red and there were black and blue marks on my buttocks as well as scratches.
I looked up and out of the window and saw my grandmother walking down the hill with a neighbour. I panicked, pulled my trousers up and ran to wash myself. When she came in the house she asked me what I'd been doing. I said I'd fallen and scratched my bum and was looking to see how bad it was.
Earlier I had been taken by grandfather to his friends house. The house was on the way to the pub. I was dropped off there whilst grandfather went for his whisky fix.
I was undressed and makeup was applied to my face and a face drawn on my buttocks and red lipstick applied to my anus. I was then raped anally and orally.
My face was cleaned up and I was sent off with an envelope for grandfather who was still in the pub. I was given a glass of lemonade and then sent home. It when I was examining myself that I was seen by my grandmother and her friend.