Wednesday, 16 March 2016



The following MYTH's need to broken down and exposed as false, as they are still widely believed.


Despite any so called statistics that say males sexually abused could go on to sexually their children or children they know, the figures FAIL to represent true male Survivors, who would NEVER sexually abuse children!If that myth was true, then surely every survivor, male and female, would be classed as abusers, yet it's rarely thought that female survivors would abuse their children, so why is it thought that we, as males, would even consider sexually abusing our children?
Having worked with over 4,000 male survivors of sexual abuse, none of them would ever consider inflicting the same pain on another child and cause them the same pain.
Some pedosceles say they were sexually abused, but they ARE NOT survivors of sexual abuse.
One man arrested in Operation Ore, said he was searching child porn because his support group, for male survivors, had told him it would help! There is NOT a support group near him, yet it was given as evidence in court, and duly reported as fact in his local newspaper! I checked all support groups miles around him and no one had heard of him. Remember, pedoceles LIE!
Just because they say they were sexually abused themselves, it is taken as truth and rarely investigated, and is therefore seen and believed to be true!
It is not true!

Child sexual abuse happens every single day..year in, year out. Estimates vary, and are so often wrong, so double or even treble any numbers you may think, to reach what may be the right number of abuse cases.

REALITY: 85% of children are sexually abused by someone they know, i.e. family members, relatives, neighbours and/or family friends. Sex offenders look for any chance and opportunity to sexually abuse children.

REALITY: Not always the case. Sometimes, the abuser, male or female, is either a parent, brother, sister, or other close family member or perhaps in a position of trust.
  • Any abuse is damaging and confusing to a child because of the secrecy, shame, lies and isolation that follows. That creates an aura of secrecy, shame, lies, isolation and breach of trust, and creates immense confusion for the child

    REALITY: It is always damaging, and always destructive to the child.
    Children who are sexually abused are:
  • Denied a childhood, 
  • Denied a loving, nurturing relationship of trust, 
  • Exploited and betrayed by a person who is in a position of authority and trust.

    REALITY: Children do not have the explicit sexual knowledge necessary to describe a sexual event that they have not experienced. Children do not have the cognitive capacities to make up stories of sexual abuse. If children do lie about sexual abuse it would be to say that it did not occur, in order to protect the offender and/or the family unit.

    REALITY: Total Bullshit! It's just another way of trying to excuse the abusers behaviour and pass on the blame to a child. Sex offenders exploit a child's curiosity and his need for affection, and then blame the child !

    REALITY: Child sexual abuse typically goes on for quite some time before discovery. It is not confined to one child, but usually involves several children.
  • In the 2004 case in Plymouth, England, known as Operation Emotion (November 2004) William Goad was sentenced to life for abusing about 3,000 (thats three thousand!) boys over a period of years.
    Goad had a history of sexually abusing boys stretching back to the 1960s, and once boasted that he had abused over 140 boys in a year.
    I've had the honour of meeting just a few of the brave men who stood up and went to court, and I am proud of them for taking that stand and getting some form of justice.

    REALITY: It it was that easy to do, don't you think we would have done so already? Child sexual abuse 'victims' try to block memories of what happened but the effects surface as they grow up. Not talking won't make it go it away, it just festers.
  • If adults are not willing to talk about the abuse, a child will probably feel there is something to be ashamed of, that it's dirty and too awful to talk about. This attitude only serve's to increase the child's feelings of guilt, shame and feelings of being abnormal and will compound their problems.

    REALITY: Any man can be sexually abused, regardless of size, appearance or sexual orientation. Not all men are strong, emotionally or otherwise, to protect themselves from attacks, including sexual assaults.
  • Men who are attacked undergo the same reactions as women. They are paralysed with fear, so frightened that they cannot call for help and often too afraid to resist in case this provokes more violence.

    REALITY: Sexual abuse can be violent, but the manner in which it is inflicted doesn't always involve violence. A pedoscele doesn't have to use a weapon or beat you into submission in order to achieve their end. The majority of sexual abuse involves the subtle brainwashing of a child.
  • Your family may have shown an a twisted expression of "touch" and "love" in the form of sexual abuse, or perhaps you were 'rewarded' with treats or extra love and attention, or even bribed to keep silent in the same manner. Sexual abuse can also be verbal, with the pedosceles main weapon being words (such as inappropriate sexual comments, or an overly invasive interest in your body and sexuality)
    Perhaps you 'gave' in because they threatened harm to someone else if you didn't comply, but it is still not your fault!

    REALITY: Many adult survivors report a deep sense of shame, because they may have felt some 'pleasure' in an aspect of what happened, but the ovcer-riding effects are damamaging,soul destroying and harms that child for the rest of his life, unless healed!
  • Perhaps the abuse was the only form or understanding of affection you ever got, perhaps it was soothing, perhaps the pedoscele got off on making you feel pleasure. Just because you did feel pleasure doesn't mean you were not abused. Our bodies are designed to feel pleasure and respond in particular ways to particular kinds of touch. If your body did respond, it does NOT negate the abuse.
    The pedoscele used you for their own ends, taking away your free will and right to let your own sexuality develop as it should have.

    REALITY: The Law is an imperfect system designed by imperfect people, in order to provide some framework for basic conduct in an imperfect world, but even the best legal systems are not guaranteed to discover the truth about a given case.
  • If the law takes your pedoscele to court, and they find him or her Not Guilty (or Not Proven, or the equivalent for your country's judicial system), that DOES NOT mean that you weren't sexually abused and violated, or that the crime never actually occurred: all it means is that it couldn't be proven in court.
    It does not mean that you are a liar, it doesn't mean that the pedoscele never did anything wrong, it doesn't mean that you have no right to feel outraged, it simply means that courts of law require very specific types of evidence in order to prove a case, and in sexual crimes cases, it is a case of one person's word against another. Maybe the statute of limitations has run out. Maybe they didn't have enough hard evidence.
    Maybe the pedoscele was such a good liar that they had everyone fooled. Maybe they got off on a technicality beyond your control. IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT THE ABUSE NEVER ACTUALLY HAPPENED.
    Maybe your experience doesn't fit the law word-for-word, because of an age difference. Maybe what happened to you was hazy to recall fully.
    All it means is that you may not be able to prosecute successfully. Memory is an inexact science -- you may remember that something happened to you, and you may remember what it was, but it is hard to make memory alone stand up in a court of law. You can still heal, and still feel angry, as the law doesn't matter in terms of your recovery. (Dont resort to vigilante justice.)

    REALITY: Heterosexual, gay and bisexual men are all liable to being sexually abused.
  • Being sexually abused has nothing to do with current or future sexual orientation.
    There is no excuse. Sexual orientation is not an excuse to be sexually abused.

    REALITY: Most abusers, if asked, would identify themselves as heterosexual.
  • Sexual abuse is about violence, anger, sexual release for them, and control over another person, nothing to do with sexual attraction.
    Just by checking press reports, etc, you will usually see that those sentenced are described as 'normal married men', living a 'normal' life.
    Sexual orientation, or their perception of sexual orientation, is not an excuse to sexually abuse others.

    REALITY: Although the majority of abusers are currently recognised as being male, men and boys are sexually abused by women. The most recent and high profile case in the UK was Vanessa George, the Nursery School worker in Plymouth.
  • Females who sexually abuse children are more often far more sadistic in the forms of abuse they force upon children, and either act alone or with others in abusing children.

    REALITY: Erection and ejaculation are physiological responses that result from the physical contact or even extreme stress.
  • Some abusers are aware how erection and ejaculation can confuse you -- this motivates them to manipulate you to the point of erection or ejaculation to increase their feelings of control and to also discourage you from reporting the crime.
    It doesn't mean you enjoyed the sexual contact, it was your bodys reaction to touch and feeling, thats all, but IF you did enjoy the sensation, and did ejaculate, dont worry about that either! I defy any man to deny its Operation to be touched around their genitals

    REALITY: A consenting individual is aware of what they are doing, has an understanding of the consequences, and is free from any manipulation or coercion to choose a certain way. If a person is NOT capable of knowing what they are getting into, how can it be said that consented?
  • If, as a child, you were abused again and again, YOU DID NOT CONSENT, AND IT IS STILL ABUSE. The reason is that a child is not a fully sexual being. Children are not supposed to be.
    A child is not fully aware of sex and all its complexities, and their own sexuality is expected to develop slowly and surely over the course of many years.
    As mentioned above, you may have also chosen to 'go along' with the abuse in order to ensure that you did get through it; but submission does not mean consent.
    If a gun is pointed at your head, and you're told to rob someone or you get your head blown off, the issue of consent doesn't even enter into it. How can you really make a choice, when one choice offered is death?

    REALITY: Sometimes, depending on who, where, etc, the child loves and protects the perpetrator. Some children feel "special" about the abuse, as it may be the only attention or physical contact they are getting.
    Because of this, some survivors try to deal with the abuse by minimizing it, by making the abuser and events "OK". All they are doing is delaying the inevitable, in that they need to heal from their abusive past, in order to leave the grief behind.
    The effects of sexual abuse last well into adulthood, affecting relationships, work, family, and life in general.

    REALITY: Yes it could! You can be old, young, fat, tall, small, black, white, asian, gay, straight, a cop, a student, whoever, and rape or abuse couldhappen to you.
    It's probably comfortable to believe that you're immune to being potentially raped or sexually assaulted; in the firm believe that you couldn't be raped because you're too nice, too white or too uptight, which gives you a false sense of security. "I couldn't be raped," because I never go out at night alone." "I couldn't be raped, because I'm a man." "I couldn't be raped".. for any of a number of highly superstitious reasons, but why hide behind the powerful spell of denial and place yourself at risk?
    THE REALITY of the matter is, you could be raped, no matter who you are. You could be assaulted or abused, no matter what. If someone really is out to get you, they can do it.
    There are never any 100% guarantees for you being safe. Bu before you freak out and never leave the house again, there are some good steps you can take to increase your safety level, and reduce your risk of being assaulted or abused.
    Trust your instinct and stay away from people who make your skin crawl or who make you feel unsafe. It's a beautiful world out there, but as you know all to well, it has the potential to be a violent one too, so use your head and stay safe!

    Many men who have been raped display symptoms of Post-traumatic Stress disorder and many try to kill themselves, and many more have turned to alcohol and drugs to help them cope with the experience.
    Male survivors can be left doubting their sexuality, fearing sex, and may have difficulty forming relationships afterwards.
    It is difficult for men to access support if they have experienced rape as most rape crisis services are not accessible to men. Therapists working with men who were sexually abused in childhood have conducted clinical case studies and consistently report long-term problems. These include guilt and self-blame, low self-esteem and negative self-image, problems with intimacy, sexual problems, compulsions or dysfunctions, substance abuse and depression, and symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. [Bruckner, D.F. and Johnson, P.E. 1987, ‘Treatment for adult male victims of childhoodsexual abuse’, Social Casework, vol. 68, pp. 81-87]
    They may also fear that the sexual abuse has caused them, or will cause them, to become homosexual. [Gilgun, J. and Reiser, E. 1990, ‘The development of sexual identity among men sexually abused as children’, Families in Society, vol. 71, pp. 515-521]

    Any of the responses above do not imply that you wanted or enjoyed the abuse and does not indicate anything about your sexual orientation.
    Sexual abuse against men happens in many different ways. Some men are abused by a stranger, or a group of strangers, while others may be abused by someone they know. Men are sometimes sexually abused by women, but most often they are sexually abused by other men.
    Some abusers use weapons, physical force, or the threat of force to control the situation.
    Others may use blackmail or a position of authority to threaten or coerce someone into submission.
    Others use alcohol, drugs, or a combination of both to prevent victims from fighting back.
    No matter how it occurs, it is a violation of a man's body and it can have lasting emotional consequences.
    So, if you need reminding again, it is possible to recover from all of this and regain control of your life!

  • With thanks to Male Survivors Trust


    Elephants in the room

    It has been a year like no other..

    I openly admit to having insecurities and the like. I am quite comfortable to be labelled as having mental health issue. At least I have health, I am alive. I dislike having my past used as a weapon against me. Many things I have written about here and elsewhere are a result of not wanting someone to be able to think they "have something on me" that could be used to my detriment. I am a fan of transparency..

    At nineteen I was very depressed. It was the start of adult depression that would come and go for three decades. I believe that we are not predestined to have mental illness. It is a side effect. Depression, PTSD, DID, BiPolar etc. Trauma manifests itself in our minds and also in our bodies.

    Some people, quite possibly myself included, see patterns of behaviour in all things. Neuroses run amok and can stifle individual growth and happiness. Refusing to see something does not make it vanish. Just because i am "broken" with mental health issues does not make me less of a person. In truth, It makes me a super man..

    It took me a long time to develop pride in myself, to actually believe that I not only deserved happiness but that I could have it in abundance. I found it in the most unusual of places. My pride is another matter. I find myself having to have to swallow it on one particular subject.

    My dancing, prancing, ever present elephant in a tutu has to go. It causes me too much anxiety.

    In the meantime I will carry on regardless..

    19 and miserable..

    Saturday, 12 March 2016

    Learning To Enjoy The Silence.. via @DylanP1977 #childabuse #DV #Survivor

    I would like to introduce you to Dylan Prosser. We became acquainted about a year ago and we have a lot in common.

    I have never been very lucky in life. I have had my chances and blew most of them for one reason or another. I was abused as a child, sexually and otherwise for a number of years. My life would appear to have been shaped by those years. My choices silently influenced by the echoes from the past.

    I will neither bore nor attempt to shock you with details of what happened to me as a child.

    In my teens I was confused about my sexuality. The abuse had stopped but I was vulnerable. Twice before my seventeenth birthday I was raped by individuals I had put trust in. I had a number of girlfriends but it never really felt right. I found men much more interesting. They seemed to find me interesting too. 

    I had left home at sixteen to go onto further education. In college I was the youngest by two years. The oldest student was twice my age. I was in a three year course broken into two modules. Two years of standard training and a final year of advanced principles. During the last term of the first year one of the older guys took me out for a few drinks. We had become quite good friends and I trusted him. Later that night he sexually assaulted me. I was in shock at the time. I had been raped four years earlier by a family friend and that had been totally unconnected to the childhood trauma. I thought at almost seventeen that it was safe to trust again. I was wrong. A year later I found myself selling myself to the same guy in order to pay for food and other essentials.

    A family tragedy led to my dropping out of education.  I was eighteen and living where I could. Life was miserable.

    I moved away from the area and finally found work. I was still very confused inside though I tried my best to hide my mixed up feelings. I didn't have the confidence to just allow myself to be me. I got friendly with a woman at work. She made me feel safe and was a few years older than me. Despite my inner reservations and those of friends, we married. About a year later the subject of children arose. I wanted to be a father. I then found out that she had been sterilised and did not want more children. I knew nothing about this. I was completely floored. She had been a victim of domestic violence and already had two children. We split up a few months later for a while, got back together, then finally separated after three years of marriage.

    We had moved near the city so I took an apartment near the centre. I was earning good money and felt able for the first time to be myself. I took the plunge and announced to the world that I was gay. After a few months I met a guy who later became my partner for nine years. He seemed okay. He was older by a few years and had all the experience I lacked. I looked up to him. During those nine years I was treated like a man servant much of the time. He was lazy, opinionated and thought menial work was above him. After a few years I discovered he was an accomplished liar and a cheat. I had been too trusting again. We split for a year. He kept promising to change and I took him back. The lies had not stopped, I was treated badly. He was verbally and emotionally cruel. He was colder than a marble statue and mocked me in front of his friends. He did not see his behaviour as wrong though many friends told him he was being cruel in various ways. During those years I went from being a muscular, athletic healthy man to a blob, a shadow.  Four more years passed before I finally escaped. 

    I met another woman I thought I could trust. I had known her many years before and I really thought she was safe. I jumped back into the closet and we married. She knew all about my past, I thought I knew all about hers. We were married for over a decade. During those years I became the victim of full scale domestic abuse. The sex was lacklustre. Her emotions too intense. She blamed me for all that she saw was wrong with the world. She became ill during our time together and I too was blamed for that. She controlled everything about my life. She would explode if I buttered the toast the wrong way, or if I was more than ten minutes late from work etc. She decided who my friends were, what I wore, what money I spent and so many other things. I lived in fear much of the time though we did also have some good times together. The last year of living as husband and wife was hell. I was stabbed, pushed downstairs, scratched poked and punched. I never retaliated. She tried to emasculate me, to rob me of my pride and dignity.

    Many of you may be asking yourself why I remained in these relationships. Why would a man allow himself to be treated and used in these ways. Many ask the same about boys and men who are sexually abused. "Surely a male is strong enough to resist, to run, to fight back?" etc etc

    In my case the answer was self worth. I had none. I did not believe I was good enough for happiness so I always ended up in bad relationships. I was just someone to be used and taken advantage of.

    During the last years of the marriage I went into therapy. I also secretly made friends online and tried to build up my confidence and trust. I learnt to believe in myself, that I was worthy of love, happiness, peace and security. One friend in particular I continually found myself drawn to. The friendship had been there for over three years. Not a close friendship, we had never met. I trusted him and he seemed to trust me. Months went by when I deliberately did not chat with him. Something about him felt so good it scared me. We eventually started chatting more and more and sharing aspects of our lives. I felt as if I had met a soul mate. I didn't really know him from Adam but over a couple of months we grew closer and closer. He seemed to feel what I was feeling. We shared much  in common, had similar ideals. I started flirting and he responded, even encouraging me. I feared that I really was falling in love, too fast and falling completely out of control. No one had made me feel the way he did. I don't think I had ever really been in love before. I did a few stupid things back then, he did a few himself.

    We decided to meet in order to see if what we felt was real. I tend to be very emotional. I enjoyed being in love. I enjoyed feeling good about myself. He was kind, considerate and did not just leap in as I did. He asked for time to let things develop. They did. He had experienced much of what I had in life. Though I feared that two people with abusive pasts might not be the best way forward it did work. I suggested we meet for a coffee and a face to face chat. Maybe a few hours as he was headed in my direction to see a friend of his. He said more time would be better. I told him I loved him, his response was "love waits here for you". No pressure, no expectations. I arranged a weekend away, two nights in a luxury hotel near Coventry. He did say he might not be able to stay both nights but he would try. I hoped he would. The day we met was bright and sunny. He had been upset by a family member the night before and was feeling very low. I hoped to be able to lift his spirits. He was late driving down from Edinburgh but I waited, fearing he might not even show up. He did arrive and when I first saw him I held my breath. Shivers ran through my body. He was amazing. I had the strongest sense of Deja vu.

    That was a very special day. He did only stay the one night but I know he regretted it afterwards.

    Weeks turned into months. We met more and more often. I was insecure as I could not believe that I had finally found "the one". I was absolutely and totally in love. I trusted him with my body, my heart and my life. I still do. 

    He has taught me that life can be good. I have learnt many lessons since we met. I think I am too soppy for him at times as he does struggle with expressing love but we get by. I am happy (though my insecurities can run riot at times) and I think he is too. Maybe in time he will learn to trust me enough in order to relax enough with his own emotions. We are both victims of abusive past relationships and childhoods after all. He really is amazing. Light shines from him, at least I believe it does. He is the sweetest, kindest and most considerate person I have ever known. He is also, to me at least, handsome and sexy. He makes me feel like a "real man". He manages to bring out the magic in me. We are one. He is nothing like the person a certain ex describes him as. 

    I hope that by writing this and having it published I can finally lay some of the ghosts of my past to rest. I have no need for them and they often only seem to harm me in some way or another. In harming me they also affect those around me. 

    So here I am. What is the point of this guest blog post you may ask. That is easy..

    Believe in yourself, trust in yourself, have faith that not everyone in life has an agenda. There are good people out there and above all always remember that without hope, we have nothing. 

    Friday, 11 March 2016

    Love Is..

    I started this blog back in 2010 before the child abuse memory tsunami hit me. My world was good. I had achieved my ultimate goal and was a success (or what I had spent my adult life believing to be what a success was). I had worked hard and had pushed my way up the corporate ladder. I had bought out my employer in a million pound plus deal and was worth several million more on paper. Life was good, yes?


    As I have mentioned in the past, I was taunted whilst growing up that I would amount to nothing. That I would never be successful, I would never know happiness. I was told that I was a freak and that I would end up either dead on the streets or in a "lunatic asylum". Why? Because I was different.

    I spent almost two decades working myself to a frazzle, going years on end without taking holidays and even working over Christmas and New Year. I did it because I had to prove them wrong. I had lived on the streets for several months in my late teens, I had all but lost my mind, and I had been a drunken and selfish layabout. I had tried hard to be a studious student at college and university. When my second parent fell foul to cancer I too fell foul. I gave up. I threw in the towel. I decided to no longer be what I was expected to be. I would be me.

    Why was I different you may ask? The abusers were torn. Some saw me as a Christ like figure and others as an Anti Christ. A light shone out of me. I stood out in a crowd. No matter what they did, I mostly looked inwards and smiled to myself. I forgave them as and when they molested me. I tolerated their pathetic and mindless perversions. They were base, stupid and twisted by their inherent perversions whilst I always seemed to know deep inside that I would endure. I would live. I would survive and one day I would expose not only them but all that they stood for. I knew that one day I would thrive.

    Like all "Super Heroes" I had a weakness. Love. This blogs url is "whatislove". What Is Love?

    That was the question I asked myself back six years ago.

    Love in itself is not a weakness. It is a force almost as old as time. Love is the glue that holds humanity together. Well.. That is in theory anyway. Love can become twisted, distorted, can be controlling and it can be used as a tool and a means to an end. I am not that sort of love. Yes, you read that correctly. I just defined myself as LOVE.

    "May the force be with you"... The force in question is one of good, one of love, one of tolerance, one of peace and harmony.

    I was born out of love. I was born despite the fact that my mother was given the option of chemotherapy or to have her child. She chose that I should live. She ultimately sacrificed herself that I should live.

    I consider myself, and have often been told by others, that I am strongly empathic. I seem to be able to read feelings and emotions as if they were written on a poster above a persons head. Not always, I am not a supreme being after all. I am, but me.

    Six years ago I thought I had achieved over and above what my earlier life detractors had said I could or would not. In most part I had. Where I had let myself down was that I had not found that ultimate goal. Personal joy.

    Much water has passed under the bridge since then. I had a full on nervous breakdown in 2011 which is when the past came back to literally haunt me. I survived both the past and also the re-enactment. I am indeed still standing.

    I have opened up my life, ripped apart my heart and exposed my inner self to all. Why do such an extreme  and foolish thing?

    I wanted and needed to be heard. I had lived too long in silence, pretending that I was able and strong.

    I needed to fall to little pieces so that given time I could rebuild and reinforce what and who I was.

    I am love.

    Love need not be perfect, which I am not. Love need not be beautiful and breathtaking which I certainly am not. Love just needs to be open, true, loyal and steadfast. Love needs to be nurtured. Love needs to be given openly and freely and received in abundance. Love is not a one way street. Love is neither a game nor a legal contract. Love is the ultimate gift. Love is love.

    Love can be a roller coaster ride. Indeed I think it needs to be. The ups, the downs, the gasps and the shrieks if shared openly, honestly and with integrity are all part of the wonderful, multifaceted and amazing thing that love should be. To fully appreciate the ride one must give all and trust all to the other. No subject should be taboo. No games should be played.

    Many will mock my ideals and I have no problem with that.

    So many people have written about love over the centuries. So many opinions and yes, this is just my opinion. Well.. actually this is more than just an opinion, this is in fact a statement of personal requirement. Love takes many forms. I should know. I need love. I need understanding and harmony. Many have tried to extinguish my spark. From this day forth I intend to set the world on fire.

    I often consider myself in phoenix terms. A phoenix can rise and fall and rise again many times. So have I.

    I have seen the damage that "love" can do when not applied in the appropriate manner. I have suffered at the hands of those who claimed to love me and also, a step or two away, by the love others had shown those I love. To be a victim of both first and second hand damaged love is most unfortunate indeed. Yet I still believe in it. I still believe that love can conquer all.

    I find myself almost laughing at my own words. I have been called obsessive, delusional, nonsensical and weak because of what I believe. So be it.

    Love is good, love is kind, love does no harm and love can help us grow and prosper as individuals and better still as couples.

    Let love in, do not mock it. Do not shun it. Return it with the intensity that is received. Do not try and stifle or control it.

    Love is pure and positive energy. Love is life. Love is a force of nature. Love is...


    Perfectly Broken #mentalhealth #life

    Define perfection for me...

    I am far from perfect, in fact I would say I am quite imperfect in most ways.
    I don't have an ego, let alone a big one most of the time. I am simply everything... I use the word ego loosely. I have self worth so therefore have a sense of ego. It is rarely, but can be, over inflated. Learning to accept that "I" was enough took a long time, even if I was the only one who thought so. 

    I have fought to stand up for myself in this imperfect little world. I have learnt that I do have some value despite the efforts of so many in the past to totally erase any such thoughts. Having some realisation of self worth is important. I am a stubborn bull too.. I have taken a long time to use my voice and I am not easily silenced these days. Truth be told, I am far more dangerous when forced into silence than if I am allowed to express myself. If I feel slighted or aggrieved it is far better to hear me out than to let my volcanic juices simmer into boiling point. I am fair, I am kind, I will listen to others points of view. With regards my stubborn bull, you have to remember that I have fought hard to become who I am. I may well often be wrong but I retain the right to express my opinion and to be heard. In circumstances where I feel I am being ignored or squashed I will eventually explode and quite possibly cut off my own nose to spite my face. This is a fault of mine. It all comes down to priorities.

    I have never claimed sanity amongst the few values I do attribute to myself. Sanity is purely a state of mind and that state has different levels of socially acceptable norm in different cultures.  I am broken, however that has made me stronger and possibly even better than I would have been. This reminds me of the Japanese art of Kintsukori, which means "to repair with gold". It is the art of repairing pottery with gold or another precious metal and understanding that the piece is both more beautiful and valuable for having been broken.

    I have many broken friends, and the broken in me bows to the broken in them.

    I do believe in loyalty and standing by those that we love. At any cost. I believe that long term personal relationships (romantic love) should become before family and friends as long as the relationship is not suffocating or controlling. Again there will be differences in what each party will consider to be controlling behaviour and such should be worked out without confrontation and hopefully with give and take from both sides. I consider myself to be loyal and true, a good person. I know I have faults, many of them, but disloyalty or betrayal is not amongst them. Insecurity is something that I have always suffered with. I was so brow beaten into believing I would amount to nothing as a child and young adult. Some family members betrayed me and were disloyal to me. It caused a number of trust issues, many of which I have overcome. Many I have not. Some of my reactions to events might seem over the top to a lot of people, to me they make sense. I do not trust easily and if my trust is broken the consequences can be far reaching. One particular family member hounded me for most of my life. Karma has dealt with them. 

    Being "broken" has it's up and downsides in the present day. Some things have made me more resilient whilst others have left me with people issues. I think I am a pretty good judge of character, I observe a great deal. I am slow to get to know new people and do sometimes even then make mistakes. I am human after all. I hate it when a reaction I may have which is quite normal to most people is seen or defined as "because of the past" or because I have insecurities. I hate being walked over, my worries and concerns ignored or put down to my being not quite right in the head. In love I need to be told often that I am important, that I am loved. I need my feelings to be considered and even if it means a sacrifice, I need that sacrifice to be performed. This is only ever over major issues, major to me anyway. 

    I can put up with a lot of pain from people, I have a thick skin. The problem is that if I have let you through to my inner world and you then hurt me it will take a lot of effort from you to put that right. The inner me is gentle and easily hurt.  That does not mean I am weak. 

    I believe in an eye for an eye. The exceptions are when no harm was intended. Again the act of what harms one might be something that would not harm another. If that is the case I believe in forgiveness. I would not expect that harm to be replicated in the future however. If you know something offends or harms someone you should do all possible to ensure that possible future instances of that harm is minimalised. Understanding that we are not all the same, that we all have different triggers and tastes will hopefully lead to a more stable and mutually beneficial state of being. Never underestimate me. 

    I have experienced life on many levels. I have lived and have a lot more living to do.Life is a journey and we are not given a road map. We may, if lucky, be given pointers but for the most part we must work our own way through life. Many of us may be fortunate enough to meet someone who can walk with us, at whatever stage we are at. Someone who we can trust with our very being. Life is short, no matter what your belief in afterlife, rebirth, or returning to cosmic dust or electron particles. Make the most of it.


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