Friday, 11 March 2016

Love Is..

I started this blog back in 2010 before the child abuse memory tsunami hit me. My world was good. I had achieved my ultimate goal and was a success (or what I had spent my adult life believing to be what a success was). I had worked hard and had pushed my way up the corporate ladder. I had bought out my employer in a million pound plus deal and was worth several million more on paper. Life was good, yes?

No.

As I have mentioned in the past, I was taunted whilst growing up that I would amount to nothing. That I would never be successful, I would never know happiness. I was told that I was a freak and that I would end up either dead on the streets or in a "lunatic asylum". Why? Because I was different.

I spent almost two decades working myself to a frazzle, going years on end without taking holidays and even working over Christmas and New Year. I did it because I had to prove them wrong. I had lived on the streets for several months in my late teens, I had all but lost my mind, and I had been a drunken and selfish layabout. I had tried hard to be a studious student at college and university. When my second parent fell foul to cancer I too fell foul. I gave up. I threw in the towel. I decided to no longer be what I was expected to be. I would be me.

Why was I different you may ask? The abusers were torn. Some saw me as a Christ like figure and others as an Anti Christ. A light shone out of me. I stood out in a crowd. No matter what they did, I mostly looked inwards and smiled to myself. I forgave them as and when they molested me. I tolerated their pathetic and mindless perversions. They were base, stupid and twisted by their inherent perversions whilst I always seemed to know deep inside that I would endure. I would live. I would survive and one day I would expose not only them but all that they stood for. I knew that one day I would thrive.

Like all "Super Heroes" I had a weakness. Love. This blogs url is "whatislove". What Is Love?

That was the question I asked myself back six years ago.

Love in itself is not a weakness. It is a force almost as old as time. Love is the glue that holds humanity together. Well.. That is in theory anyway. Love can become twisted, distorted, can be controlling and it can be used as a tool and a means to an end. I am not that sort of love. Yes, you read that correctly. I just defined myself as LOVE.

"May the force be with you"... The force in question is one of good, one of love, one of tolerance, one of peace and harmony.

I was born out of love. I was born despite the fact that my mother was given the option of chemotherapy or to have her child. She chose that I should live. She ultimately sacrificed herself that I should live.

I consider myself, and have often been told by others, that I am strongly empathic. I seem to be able to read feelings and emotions as if they were written on a poster above a persons head. Not always, I am not a supreme being after all. I am, but me.

Six years ago I thought I had achieved over and above what my earlier life detractors had said I could or would not. In most part I had. Where I had let myself down was that I had not found that ultimate goal. Personal joy.

Much water has passed under the bridge since then. I had a full on nervous breakdown in 2011 which is when the past came back to literally haunt me. I survived both the past and also the re-enactment. I am indeed still standing.

I have opened up my life, ripped apart my heart and exposed my inner self to all. Why do such an extreme  and foolish thing?

I wanted and needed to be heard. I had lived too long in silence, pretending that I was able and strong.

I needed to fall to little pieces so that given time I could rebuild and reinforce what and who I was.

I am love.

Love need not be perfect, which I am not. Love need not be beautiful and breathtaking which I certainly am not. Love just needs to be open, true, loyal and steadfast. Love needs to be nurtured. Love needs to be given openly and freely and received in abundance. Love is not a one way street. Love is neither a game nor a legal contract. Love is the ultimate gift. Love is love.

Love can be a roller coaster ride. Indeed I think it needs to be. The ups, the downs, the gasps and the shrieks if shared openly, honestly and with integrity are all part of the wonderful, multifaceted and amazing thing that love should be. To fully appreciate the ride one must give all and trust all to the other. No subject should be taboo. No games should be played.

Many will mock my ideals and I have no problem with that.

So many people have written about love over the centuries. So many opinions and yes, this is just my opinion. Well.. actually this is more than just an opinion, this is in fact a statement of personal requirement. Love takes many forms. I should know. I need love. I need understanding and harmony. Many have tried to extinguish my spark. From this day forth I intend to set the world on fire.

I often consider myself in phoenix terms. A phoenix can rise and fall and rise again many times. So have I.

I have seen the damage that "love" can do when not applied in the appropriate manner. I have suffered at the hands of those who claimed to love me and also, a step or two away, by the love others had shown those I love. To be a victim of both first and second hand damaged love is most unfortunate indeed. Yet I still believe in it. I still believe that love can conquer all.

I find myself almost laughing at my own words. I have been called obsessive, delusional, nonsensical and weak because of what I believe. So be it.

Love is good, love is kind, love does no harm and love can help us grow and prosper as individuals and better still as couples.

Let love in, do not mock it. Do not shun it. Return it with the intensity that is received. Do not try and stifle or control it.

Love is pure and positive energy. Love is life. Love is a force of nature. Love is...

Everything.













Perfectly Broken #mentalhealth #life

Define perfection for me...

I am far from perfect, in fact I would say I am quite imperfect in most ways.
  
I don't have an ego, let alone a big one most of the time. I am simply everything... I use the word ego loosely. I have self worth so therefore have a sense of ego. It is rarely, but can be, over inflated. Learning to accept that "I" was enough took a long time, even if I was the only one who thought so. 

I have fought to stand up for myself in this imperfect little world. I have learnt that I do have some value despite the efforts of so many in the past to totally erase any such thoughts. Having some realisation of self worth is important. I am a stubborn bull too.. I have taken a long time to use my voice and I am not easily silenced these days. Truth be told, I am far more dangerous when forced into silence than if I am allowed to express myself. If I feel slighted or aggrieved it is far better to hear me out than to let my volcanic juices simmer into boiling point. I am fair, I am kind, I will listen to others points of view. With regards my stubborn bull, you have to remember that I have fought hard to become who I am. I may well often be wrong but I retain the right to express my opinion and to be heard. In circumstances where I feel I am being ignored or squashed I will eventually explode and quite possibly cut off my own nose to spite my face. This is a fault of mine. It all comes down to priorities.

I have never claimed sanity amongst the few values I do attribute to myself. Sanity is purely a state of mind and that state has different levels of socially acceptable norm in different cultures.  I am broken, however that has made me stronger and possibly even better than I would have been. This reminds me of the Japanese art of Kintsukori, which means "to repair with gold". It is the art of repairing pottery with gold or another precious metal and understanding that the piece is both more beautiful and valuable for having been broken.

I have many broken friends, and the broken in me bows to the broken in them.

I do believe in loyalty and standing by those that we love. At any cost. I believe that long term personal relationships (romantic love) should become before family and friends as long as the relationship is not suffocating or controlling. Again there will be differences in what each party will consider to be controlling behaviour and such should be worked out without confrontation and hopefully with give and take from both sides. I consider myself to be loyal and true, a good person. I know I have faults, many of them, but disloyalty or betrayal is not amongst them. Insecurity is something that I have always suffered with. I was so brow beaten into believing I would amount to nothing as a child and young adult. Some family members betrayed me and were disloyal to me. It caused a number of trust issues, many of which I have overcome. Many I have not. Some of my reactions to events might seem over the top to a lot of people, to me they make sense. I do not trust easily and if my trust is broken the consequences can be far reaching. One particular family member hounded me for most of my life. Karma has dealt with them. 

Being "broken" has it's up and downsides in the present day. Some things have made me more resilient whilst others have left me with people issues. I think I am a pretty good judge of character, I observe a great deal. I am slow to get to know new people and do sometimes even then make mistakes. I am human after all. I hate it when a reaction I may have which is quite normal to most people is seen or defined as "because of the past" or because I have insecurities. I hate being walked over, my worries and concerns ignored or put down to my being not quite right in the head. In love I need to be told often that I am important, that I am loved. I need my feelings to be considered and even if it means a sacrifice, I need that sacrifice to be performed. This is only ever over major issues, major to me anyway. 

I can put up with a lot of pain from people, I have a thick skin. The problem is that if I have let you through to my inner world and you then hurt me it will take a lot of effort from you to put that right. The inner me is gentle and easily hurt.  That does not mean I am weak. 

I believe in an eye for an eye. The exceptions are when no harm was intended. Again the act of what harms one might be something that would not harm another. If that is the case I believe in forgiveness. I would not expect that harm to be replicated in the future however. If you know something offends or harms someone you should do all possible to ensure that possible future instances of that harm is minimalised. Understanding that we are not all the same, that we all have different triggers and tastes will hopefully lead to a more stable and mutually beneficial state of being. Never underestimate me. 

I have experienced life on many levels. I have lived and have a lot more living to do.Life is a journey and we are not given a road map. We may, if lucky, be given pointers but for the most part we must work our own way through life. Many of us may be fortunate enough to meet someone who can walk with us, at whatever stage we are at. Someone who we can trust with our very being. Life is short, no matter what your belief in afterlife, rebirth, or returning to cosmic dust or electron particles. Make the most of it.






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