Sunday, 31 July 2011

Ghosts and the like

I don't believe in an omnipotent God, so it follows I don't believe in the Devil either.

What I do believe is there is a power of good and a power of evil. I believe that sometimes echoes of people can remain after their death. I also believe our brains have much more power than has yet been realised. Why? Read on...

strange things have happened around me all my life. Street lights going off as I pass them, electrical equipment blowing up for no apparent reason. Strange smells, not triggers from my past, but from someone else's, cold spots, items moving on their own.

5 years ago I was about to make my way to bed. My foot was on the bottom step and a strong female voice said goodnight to me. I was not the only one to hear it so please don't call for the men in White coats, well not yet anyway.... There was no explanation. Nobody smirked or giggled, we all heard it.

Many more events have happened since as far back as I can remember.

So why mention it now...

Last night at approx 3 am I had to go to the bathroom. As I was washing my hands I heard a noise, turned and saw the door handle push down and the door opened.... So I said I'm just finishing, turned to leave but there was nobody there. The rest of the house was asleep.

It really freaked me out.....

Now in about 10 days I am off for a weekend retreat.. In a haunted house....

If I never tweet again after that weekend you will know why...

Musical Meanderings

Saturday, 30 July 2011

Mixed Musical Moods


How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core where I’ve become so numb
Without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

now that I know what I’m without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

Bring me to life
(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside)
Bring me to life

frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
only you are the life among the dead

all this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

(Bring me to life)
I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside
(Bring me to life)



Having spent most of the night awake, and getting nightmares when asleep I finally woke up with a fresh mind. I have a new understanding of my early life. Well the first 34 years actually.....

Let me start with my dear dear bitch of a sister. She was born whilst my father was married to his first wife. My father was not allowed to see her or my mother until he left his first wife (my grandparents forbade it). I know from other family members, friends and by her own admission that she grew up with a BIG chip on her shoulders. Not only was I born in wedlock, but I was wanted so much that my mother refused cancer treatment whilst she was carryig me. My sister has made my life difficult (to say the VERY least) at every chance she has had. She treated our pets better than she treated me. She has no power over me anymore and I publicy disown her. She is nothing.

My grandparents... My grandfather mostly. He was not only an alcoholic paedophile, he also used humiliation and "torture" on me. The acts of cruelty, degradation and sexual abuse I was subjected to by him and his cronies were too varied, too frequent and too horrific to totally ever be wiped from my mind. My subconsious tried to protect me, and now it is letting things through. I was used as a toy and a tool. I was raped and my young body and mind were bruised and fractured.

I became accustomed to being the underdog, the one to fetch and carry, the one who did whatever was asked of him to please. This was my LOVE. The seeds planted during these horrors grew and I was a docile, cowed, terrified and broken human being. I also kept the peace and never complained, never told. My mother was very ill, my father was disabled. She died when I was 9, him when I was 19. I suffered in silence, but inside I was SCREAMING.

I know that my sister and in part my grandparents blamed me for the fact that my mother died. The day of my fathers funeral my sister blamed me for his death too.

Because I grew up accustomed to being used, abused and walked over It has always been a part of my "make up". I grew up feeling emasculated. not a MAN, but a thing. I had no rights. I had no say. My place was always that of the underdog.

My grandmother... Well I thought I was her everything. I was wrong there too. She must have known what was happening to me. I do know that she rarely shared a bedroom with my grandfather and that she had affairs. I shared his bed instead.

I have been screwed up my entire life. No longer. I refuse to let the sick depravity of others have any control over me anymore. Whilst I know I have some way left to go in order to heal properly I finally feel that I can and I will.

What will become of my future I do not know, but what I do know is that it will be my choice and I will control it.

I have made so many mistakes, errors of judgements and right royal screw ups in my life. Time has come to accept, realise and move on.

For those I have hurt in my life I am sorry, really sorry. I have never abused anyone, but I have behaved badly many times. I have upset people and behaved like a selfish spoilt uncaring bastard. I apologise.

Now... 12 1/2 days to go before the weekend retreat. God help them!

Today feels like a GOOD day.... Must now try and stay positive as I have had good days before and the fall back to hell can be painfull...

I no longer feel alone. I no longer feel as I don't deserve to be happy.

I have hope, courage and I hope the strength to see myself through the rest of my journey.

Friday, 29 July 2011

What is it about Fridays???

Last night I had a really scarey, stomach wrenching experience.

I was woken up just after 3am, I was lying the wrong way round in the bed and my legs were up against the wall with my bum where the pillows should be. Bedside lamp was smashed and the bed in total disarray.

Apparently I had been screaming "get off me, get off me". I was soaking wet with sweat.

I'm not a good sleeper at the best of times, am prone to sleepwalking and frequently get woken by nightmares. This was different. This was physical pain and terror.

I think I know what it is connected to but it's not clear in my head.

I feel like I haven't slept in days, I just want to curl up and hide in a corner and make the world go away for a bit.

Thursday, 28 July 2011

Music from home

Today is Thursday

And I have no bad memories, funny feelings or dark clouds.

Fingers crossed.....

Well it's been nice having a day without my head being screwed up by the past.

15 days before I go for a weekend retreat with the guys from AMSOSA.

I am ashamed to be a part of this human race at times where men are not seen as capable of suffering, where survivors like myself have so few resources to turn to. The sexual abuse of males, both children and adults MUST be better reported and the public will have to accept that it happens. It happens anywhere and everywhere and is not confined to churches, boarding schools and the like. It happens in our homes, our gardens and on our streets.

With reports of anything from 1 in 4 to 1 in 6 adult males having experienced this abuse count how many males are amongst your family and friends and then do the maths.

Thank you.

I prefer the first version.

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Freaking Out

Life is a roller coaster. Right now I want to scream, STOP! I want to get off.

Not in a suicidal way. Been there, not going back. Why give the bastards the satisfaction.

Growing up I was told I would amount to nothing, that I would probably end up in a mental Institution, or on the streets. Well I had a short visit to them both. I walked away too, head held high.

My revenge on all my abusers is that in many many respects I made a success of my life.

Yes there have been many mistakes, wrong decisions, people hurt. The person I have hurt most is myself.

I have denied myself happiness in the past because I have felt I didn't deserve happiness.

I reached for it several times, wanted to be "normal".

I'm my own kind of normal. Being me is normal for me. I couldn't be you could I!?

There are so many things that you probably take for granted that cause me pain.

I cannot eat a meal now without choking. I have been checked out and physically I am fine. Have you ever had a salad, or a beef dinner that tastes of human faeces? And yes I know what they taste like, not through choice I assure you.

I have urticarial vasculitis. Non specific. My body develops angry wheals. Stress is murder. They just appear. I have had dermographism Since childhood. This gave great pleasure to the abusers. Have you had noughts and crosses played on your naked body?

I suffered from a speech impediment which suddenly appeared when I was five. It took years to enable me to speak correctly through therapy. Now and then it comes back.

I lose time, black out, go vague. Been tested for epilepsy, negative. It's a form of D.I.D

At the age of thirty I was told I had the joints of a man twice my age.

The list goes on.

So why shout STOP I want to get off?

I am terrified of what else I am going to remember.

However Dark The Night

Monday, 25 July 2011

The Sea

My parents lived by the sea for several years. I used to spend all my free time either at the beach or in my "den" in the woods on the hill overlooking the beach. It was my escape. I still love the sea to this day and feel at peace there.

Though not a strong swimmer I manage and I love to float in water. Be it the sea, a lake or pool. The feeling of weightlessness is relaxing. I feel safe.

Morbid Mondays

Masculinity or the feeling of a lack of it has plagued me all my adult life. I was a late developer, probably not helped by the abuse of my body. One of my abusers would pluck out or shave my pubic hair, just for the sheer hell of it. The abuse was not always sexual, it was also emotional. I became accustomed to feeling worthless and a freak.

I don't feel as if I developed as I should or could have.

This has a devastating affect on my confidence. When I am in a situation where I have to "be a man" one of my alter egos step in. I describe it to myself as time to put on a mask.

I have never been a good mixer, always only having a handful of "friends".  I always wanted to be "one of the lads" to join in sports, to be accepted as an equal by my peers. Instead I was bullied at school and had few friends.

I don't know how to join in.

I don't know how to be a man.

I was a breach birth. The umbilical cord was wrapped around my throat. Not the best of starts.
"Apparently" when I was just over 12 months old my grandmother kicked me in the head as I played on the floor. My parents were told I had fallen. Because my mother decided to have me and not have treatment for the cancer that was eating away at her she was ill all the time I had her in my life. I spent a lot of time with my grandparents. She had treatment after I was born, and lived nine years.

The kick to my head was witnessed by my sister who was 6 at the time. She only talked about it some 30 years later. Not to me, someone I know.

About the age of 8 I had another accident and the same spot on my head was "hit" again. This time I ran into a door.

Thursday, 21 July 2011

Out to get me

That is a fear I gave always lived with. Telling on my abusers will put me at risk. Having shared some of the events today I have been shaking and feeling sick ever since.

Daft thing is that 3 of them are dead and I have no idea where the others are.
Were there more? I honestly don't know yet.

The fear is real, physical and totally fills me.

Fear and Hope

I hope not to fear everything, everyone
For my inner child to be set free
That together as one we can face each new day
With hope

July 2011

Moving in a sort of forward direction

Today I joined an online "community" of men in a similar position to myself.

I am seeing a therapist for my stress issues and depression but have to go on a waiting list to see a rape and abuse counsellor.

It seems that each day something new is coming out of my memory, some long forgotten horror normally but occasionally something nice.

Yesterday was a particularly bad day and despite the zopiclone I had a restless and disturbed night.

Today I feel slightly lifted in that by reaching out to others that understand I might feel less alone.

I want to live a normal life, whatever normal is.

Friday, 8 July 2011

Freaky Fridays

Most of us love CocaCola right?

When I was 6 yrs old a bottle like this, but a cracked one, was used to rape me. It had been half filled with earth worms before hand.

I was then tied up, with the bottle in place and left whilst the abuser went to the pub.

The only thing between my shame and the outside world was a thin net curtain on the window.

I was there for over 3 hours.

Friday, 1 July 2011

Behind Closed Doors....!

Why did I start this.

Last night I was having a nice soak in the bath and something triggered a memory, well memories actually.

My grandfather was a tailor. He worked at the back of a clothes shop. I used to have to go with him to work quite often. I remembered things that have been long buried.

The memories are still a bit vague...

One instance is me having to have to urinate through white muslin to see how much blood was in my urine. I don't know why and there was blood.  Was I taken to a doctor? NO. I was taken for an ice cream. This happened at his work.

Another room there had shelves of underwear and beyond that a storage area with mannequins. Another worker from that shop would play dress up with me, amongst the mannequins. As the underwear was adult size and I was then a very skinny kid it didn't stay on. More events are opening up in my memory today but I am feeling sick and shaking, I want to remember, to clear this out of my head.

I remember having the ends of my fingers sewn together. I don't know when or why. I can just see my fingers with black thread holding my hands together.

My foreskin had an elastic band put over it. I couldn't pee. Well I did pee and I bled. My frenulum tore. Doctor? NO. A co-worker of his "took care" of me.

He used to make me put my hand down his trousers, on the bus, in the shop, in the garden. I don't think he had any shame.

All this went on at the back of a shop on a busy high street.


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