Friday, 30 September 2011

The Whisper of Words

                                 There are no words to describe the pain I felt inside
                                  I took it all in silence, the hell I had to hide...

                             I don't even know how to tell you, how can I even begin
                               He told me that he loved me, that this was not a sin

                             He took from me my childhood, without even asking me
                           And now you ask me to tell you.. there are no words, you see

                                   All alone I took it...I never said a word
                                  Silently I wept, so that no one ever heard

                              So there are no words to tell you, please just let me be
                          How can I speak the sounds of this...for they're not meant to be

                               I cannot ever tell you...I don't think you can hear
                             The pain, the hurt, the torture, the betrayal and the fear

                              There are no words to tell you, But tell is what I'll do
                            There are no words but listen, and I will whisper them to you.


Shadows, night.....comfort is here
Instead of the harsh light of morning.
Shadows,'ll find me there
Heedless to the warnings

I watch the life flow from me
My soul seems on fire
Those winds of change surround me
No one knows what I desire

End of daylight, end of pain
end of unhappiness
the story of the slain.
I know your harshness
and your reality of lies.
I see my friendships
and those who watch as the ember dies.

My heart is still left
but yearns to be free
save yourselves
Please, don't wait for me

It is the Armaggeddon
The day all deeds are done
and with your leave, take my love
the endless journey has begun

Come Dance With Me

Come dance with me my sweetest love,
Lets sway beneath the stars,
With your body next to mine,
Lets dance 'til the end of time.

I whisper softly in your ear, 
Secrets from a lover's heart,
Move closer,  listen carefully
Words only you will hear.

Dance with me through night and day,
We'll waltz from star to star,
Let time stand still, let all sound cease,
But the music of our beating hearts.

Come dance with me my sweetest love,
Lets sway beneath the stars,
With your body next to mine,
Lets dance 'til the end of time.

Thursday, 29 September 2011

Thoughts Of You

                        Thoughts of you in space and time
                        Making me crazy, filling my mind
                        I close my eyes, your image is clear
                        Feeling you close without you here

                        Taking the time to search my soul
                        How you keep my heart on hold
                        Maybe you don't, maybe it's me
                        Don't wanna let go of passion so free

                        Love you to death, I want you near
                        You're affect on me is what I fear
                        Searching for the key inside the prism
                        Locked in place, your protection mechanism

                        Staying within the boundry lines
                        A choice that's made and aged with time
                        Capture a picture we both can see
                        We, as we are, it will always be

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

I Danced Amongst The Stars

I walk along the path of light.
I walk among the stars, shining bright
Where planets and comets dance
To the song of the universe.

I see sights that amaze and delight me

I look down upon the Earth
That once was my home
I shine, I bring life. I rejoice.

I listen to the endless silence
I see light emerge from dark void
I feel the pulse of the universe
It courses through my blood.

I inhale the breath of nothingness,
No need of earthbound sustinence.
I am at one with the night

Yet I am also the bringer of day.

This new creation, this rebirth of light,
This ever shining beacon of hope,
We are one, we are forever entwined.
Darkness fades, light prevails. I smile.

To Dream That Dream

A new peace has settled upon me lately. Despite all that life has thrown at me in the past, the pain of remembering, and now the threat of financial meltdown, I am mostly calm.

So many of us strive for financial success, to attain materialistic things. I had so little growing up, and even later in life. It became almost an obsession to be a success, to have lots of possesions. To be rich.

Money is a requirement for living. We cannot survive without it. How much do we really need though? Is the man or woman sat in their multi million pound house happier than someone in something a great deal more modest? Do designer clothes make the man? Do diamonds and gold make you a better person? Does driving a Porsche mean you are a better driver then someone driving a Ford? When we die we are all equal. No money in the world can stop us dying. Poverty has its own problems, starvation, cold, health problems. Why don't we just take ALL the money and wealth in the world and share it out equally.

I have always shared, whatever I have, with those that don't. I am happier giving than receiving.

I have been given recently what I consider a great gift. Understanding.

I have been having very lucid, surreal dreams of late. I chanced upon a stranger was based on one dream.
This next piece is based on another.

I walked along a riverbank. My gait was unsteady and my back was bent. My head twitched and I couldn't see or hear clearly. It was a slow, painful walk. The sun burnt and peeled my skin, the insects swarmed around me, feeding. My feet bled from ill fitting sandals.

As I walked I could not hep but be in awe of the beauty of the river. It flowed gently, only occasionally breaking white over boulders that lay in its path. On the far side of the river fish jumped catching flies, and a lone man sat watching them from under the branching arms of a twisted old apple tree full of fruit. Near him I saw the smoke from what must be a small camp fire. He looked familiar, but he was a long way off and my eyes were poor.

Ahead of me was a ricketty bridge that crossed over the river. The further it stretched, the more dangerous it looked. Though the river flowed gently, it seemed very deep and I was not a strong swimmer even when in good health.

On the side of the river nearest me no fish jumped and no fruit grews on its banks. I was hungry and thirsty.

I decided to cross the river using the old bridge. Even if the lone man wouldn't share with me, perhaps I could catch my own fish or pick my own fruit. It took me some time to get to the base of the river bridge. My body ached, bent down with the weigth of the disease and pain I was carrying.

I looked across the expanse and thought that if I was very careful I could cross that bridge. I glanced towards the man and saw that he was now watching me.

I took my first step onto the bridge. My concentration was totally set on my destination. My body,  though old and diseased, pushing itself forward. I walked about 20 steps without looking up. When I did I saw that the distance to the far side seemed further than it had when I started. I should by now be about a third way across. I looked behind me and to my horror discovered that the distance back appeared almost as far as I had yet to go forward.  I stood there and cursed. What to do? Go back the slightly shorter distance or continue forward in the hope that the extended distance was a play on my eyes.

I glanced down at the river and froze to the spot. What had appeared calm and gentle from the riverbank now was a crashing, whitewater strewn with craggy rocks and fallen trees.

What had I got myself into!? Why had I decided that the far river bank held greater promise. If I had continued on my own side then I might have come across fruit and clean water, I might have found someone to share them with. I cursed again.

Suddenly a section of the bridge that I had just crossed over broke away. I was left with no choice but to go on. My heart was in my mouth as I took small steps forward. Where my hands had once grabbed onto old rope, now vines grew. Were my eyes deceiving me? Was I losing my mind? I hastened my step lest the vines grew to block my way forward... The vines became thorny, my hands began to bleed. I stopped where I was and bagan to cry, gently, without sound. The tears poured forth and washed down over me.

I heard a voice calling out, telling me to stay where I was. I looked up through wet eyes and saw the lone man was now standing at the far end of the bridge.

I tried to wipe the tears from my eyes, but only irratated them with the blood and grime from my hands. I felt my body sag, my heart thumped in my chest, my head pounded. I wept openly and loudly, I could take no more. I thought to throw myself into the raging river beneath me.

Again I heard his voice. He said to me to wait where I was. I was so lost in my own world of sorrow and pain that though I heard his voice, I didn't believe him or trust him. I stood up, and held onto the thorny vines. The pain I expected was not there though I bled more and more. I thought to myself that though life had all but defeated me, I refused to meet death with anything but head held high and standing on my own two feet.

I closed my eyes and prepared to step off the bridge.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. Startled, I opened my eyes. The man stood before me, but through my swollen, bloodshot eyes I could still not make out his features. His eyes bore into mine, and though intense, there was no menace in them. His hand on my shoulder was firm, yet soft and felt warm. He made no comment to what my more than obvious intentions had been, instead he asked me to keep looking him in the eyes and to just walk towards him. I felt no option but to trust and do what was asked of me.

We walked perhaps ten steps when he said to me that I was now safely across. I was astounded as surely there must have been forty or fifty steps to go before reaching the river bank. He read the confusion in my expression and told me to look around. I did and indeed we were on the riverbank.

My legs gave way at that point. I collapsed into a sobbing heap at his feet. I thought it must be raining for suddenlt I felt water drops landing on me. I looked up but the water came from the man, he was crying, silently, and his tears were landing on me.

As they ran down my face and across my body I felt a warm glow. I felt years of pain and suffering leave me. I stood up to embrace this man, this fellow traveller whose actions had saved me.He looked at me through his own teary eyes and accepted my embrace. I held him tight, I wept on his shoulder and he wept on mine. 

I opened my eyes again to look at him. I could see clearly now. I was astonished, I almost fell backwards. The man looked just like me, but healthier and much cleaner. Again he read my expression but this time he threw his head back and laughed. Confused I turned to walk away, he caught my hand and as he did a bright light flashed around us. I heard a loud noise and suddenly he was gone. I blacked out.

I awoke, looked around me and then down at my body. The scars were gone, the twisted limbs were now straight, the dirty, blooded, burnt skin now clean and healthy. I looked 20 years younger!  I heard birds singing, I saw through new eyes.

Stunned I walked over to where his fire was still burning, I sat down and looked across the river. Fish jumped in the shallows near my feet, I looked around and saw a neat pile of fresh apples. I bit into one, it tasted fresh, sweet and crisp. A noise distracted me...

I looked across the river and saw an old man, bent and twisted walking along the path that I too had travelled along. I paused a moment and thoughts played across my mind.

I smiled to myself. I understood....


He's all alone now.
The things he's done
Pushed them away,
Acted like he didn't care,
Did everything he shouldn't have.
He thought it was for the best.
But now what?
They're all happy.
They've all moved on without him.
But there's one solitary life
Left behind.
He knew he didn't deserve them
All he wanted was happiness
For the ones he loves.
Now they have it,
But his heart is gone.
Now all that's left is an empty soul
And thoughts of the memories.
He wonders about them all the time.
Wishes, for just one day,
He could see his friends again
Talk to the ones he loves
Hold them tight.
But he'd never want to let go.
And that's something he can't put upon them.
Not while he is like this anyway.
He can't wish for anyone to accept him.
Because it's an impossible task.
For nobody really knows the whole truth.
What's going on inside that twisted mind,
What's really happening in that upside down world.
He only ever told one person,
His best friend, the one he trusted.
But now he's lost him too,
And with that loss, he's lost himself.
He's lost the one true family
He ever loved or cared for.
He'll never again see his one true love,
They're far apart forever.
Without love, without friends,
He's nothing.
A mere solitary life.
Living in an empty shell.
Carrying on as normal
But a broken heart lies
Deep down inside.
Under the smiles,
Under the laughs.
There's got to be a way out,
And he knows he'll find it,
Whatever it is.
Until then,
He'll fight it all inside.

Monday, 26 September 2011

Some Stormy Night

Trees dance gracefully to the symphony of the wind.
They sway gently while lightening highlights the sky.
The air is warm and humidity high
And thunder rolls in background tempo.
The song of the crickets unify the sweet melody;
They unify and tie the piece together.
This beautiful song brings such a calm deep within
Yet it makes me tremble as joy sweeps over me.
I sit in my chair watching, listening, alone.
The music brings images of my life story to mind.
As I become hypnotised to the rhythm and flow
It is all so sobering and beautiful.
The images become more vivid.  The music more angry.
The music within me, that I am, accompanies the orchestration.
I think about the many places I've been to.
I see the empty eyes of strangers as life marches by.
The music crests, emotion peaks, images nearly real.
Inside is a tossed salad of different feelings.
Good, sad, excited, angry, mellow, and alone.
Sometimes I feel as though I'm almost at lifes end.
Then I see the light in me growing, with it hope.
Hope that tomorrow will bring change, guidance
The gift of knowledge, an understanding of who,
What I am. An acceptance, an embrace,
I allow the light to wash over me, and from me.
Change is coming, positive change.
Tomorrow is ours.


The Way

                          I climb upon the mountain
                          Just to see what is in the way.
                          I know what's there,
                          But must I face it today?

                          I can only go forward,
                          Even when I look behind.
                          It doesn't matter which I choose,
                          I fear what I may find.

                          So I stand in this time
                          Feeling it frozen in place,
                          Waiting for me to chose
                          As indecision swallows my face.

                          Do I speak,
                          Or do I not?
                          What if I fall?
                          What if I'm caught?

                          Do I look into the light,
                          To make the path clear?
                          Will I get there faster
                          If I follow my fear?

                          I see what's in my way,
                          For it draws me near -
                          Is all the way over there,
                          And can I get there from here?

Sunday, 25 September 2011

The Lighthouse

As the wind swept waves
cross a thoughtless mind
As wave after wave
crash upon feelings...
the lighthouse stands watch
A beacon for those
lost at sea.
And when the eyes clear
to reveal a starlit night
for guidance to navigate
around an impending mood...
The lighthouse still stands watch
a beacon for ships...
lost in me.


Don't feel like living,
burying the best inside myself,
don't want to be dead,
this can't really go,
this won't really remain.

Don't like eating,
everything empty, I can't fill,
don't want to sleep,
held over the barrel,
hanging from threads.

Don't want to remain silent,
the urge to take risks,
don't want to hit the wall,
gnaws on the stomach,
chews on the core.

Don't want to lose,
feeling this love for her,
don't know how to win,
teases the mind,
races the heart.

Don't want to be alone,
found one I'd always want,
don't want to go without her
this restless reaction,
this strange dissatisfaction.

Deep In The Night

Deep in the night I remember,

That I'm reaching for you

Wanting to turn to you,

That's all I want, oh, so much, deep in the night

I need you to touch me

Deep in the night

I wait for day light,

Day times I always get through

But when the sun goes down,

That's when I feel cold and old,

Deep in the night

I need you to hold me

Read a book and I think about you

Put it down and I think about you

I make some coffee and I think about you

Wash out the cup and I think about you

Wind the clock and think about you

Turn out the light and I think about you

Then I punch the pillow and I think about you

Deep in the night I get lonely

Why didn't I try someone new?

It didn't work out!

I know,

Don't I know, don't I know

Because I tried, I tried

Deep in the night

I need you beside me

Deep, so deep in the night...

Saturday, 24 September 2011

Let Go Of The Pain #amsosa

Letting go of the pain caused by sexual abuse is difficult, painful and extremely hard to do, but it is not impossible to do!
No matter what happened when you were sexually abused, you survived, by whatever means, and you can overcome this trauma. Nothing is impossible, not if you want it that much.

  • So, here’s my version of how to handle it, and guess what? It works too! It involves you trusting someone, and telling ALL of the secrets you have hidden away for so long.
    As you begin to tell, allow yourself to get in touch with all of the feelings, fears and emotions that arise.
    Don’t be afraid to show the real you who has been hidden for so long.
    Don’t be afraid of the emotions either, don’t be ashamed or afraid to be angry, sad, mad, or tearful.
    You have the right to show those emotions, just like everyone else.
    You don’t have to be a man, and ‘macho’ all of the time.
    You don’t have to pretend to be a MAN all of the time either.
    It doesn’t matter where you start, the beginning, middle or end is a good place to start, you can add to it as you talk.
    From just the one issue, there are many issues that arise. It could be anger that you speak about on one occasion, then perhaps fear another time, maybe sadness, or the pain it caused you then and now.
    Re-tell your story, and how it has affected you in different ways, until you know it has been exhausted. If and when it comes back, talk it through again and see it for what it is, just a memory that comes back

    Don’t worry about the language you use either. Some counsellor’s say that by using 'crude', 'rude' or plain basic language feels like they are being abused.
    Well here's some news for them. That's their problem, not yours! We need to feel comfortable with what and how we say things about our abuse history, and if that means saying things they don't feel comfortable with, they can always get another job in a supermarket!
    Above all, begin to get in touch with your feelings, thoughts and fears towards the abuse, how you felt then, and how you feel now.
    Try putting your feelings into words, other than expressing yourself with “I’m feeling like…..”
    Take your time in doing so, even if those emotions seem unreal.
    Whatever you do, don’t give up, otherwise “they” will seem to have won. THEY HAVE NOT.

    Moving on

  • To tell someone, perhaps a friend or partner, that you have been sexually abused either as a child or adult is extremely difficult. Even more so, if like many countless boys, you were told big boys don’t cry, or that you fear being seen as weak.
    The fear you will be disbelieved or thought to have taken part in it willingly, is soul destroying and can prevent you from talking about it.
    Listed below are some requirements that have to be honoured by you and the person you speak to before counselling can begin.
    1. Being listening to, and believed, even the unbelievable.
    2. Remembering the abuse in your time, not being rushed to recall everything.
    3. Understanding and accepting that you were not to blame.
    4. Letting go of the pain.
    5. Expressing repressed emotions, e.g. pain, fear, anger, sadness, guilt, etc.
    6. Identifying/reclaiming your sexuality.
    7. Increasing self-respect/esteem.
    8. Taking control of your life.
    9. Stopping self-inflicted pain, e.g. alcohol/drug misuse, crime, self-harming, etc.
    10. Looking at past relationships, forming new relationships.
    Dealing with all of the above takes incredible courage, nerve, and determination to overcome the abuse, which in many cases has been buried or hidden for many years.
    The journey you undertake is very empowering, healing, and will allow you to face up to what happened to you, acknowledge the abuse, but more importantly refuse to allow it live your life any more.
    Sadly, you will never forget what happened to you, but the pain will and does remove itself from your daily thoughts.
    If you are prepared to give yourself time to heal, you will live a life free from painful memories, and be able to move on from the painful memories that belong in the past.
    Nothing is worse than letting those who abused you in the past, continue to abuse you NOW.
    Let go of them and the memories of the abuse you suffered.
    It will never go away, but you can and will be able to live YOUR life.
    After all, you deserve more than a life full of misery and pain.

    If a lack of being loved, liked, respected, etc, is a problem, what could you do, in order to feel safer in yourself?
    If the loss of innocence is a problem, is it likely to prevent you from gaining a perspective that is kinder to you and to those you meet?
    If nightmares and the fears attached, are a problem, what could you do to overcome those fears?
    What fears do you have that seems to be preventing you from moving on?
    What could you do in order those fears?
    Having started to wake up to the realisation that your life has been affected by the abuse you suffered, what are going to do about it?
    What issues that you have not yet talked about do you consider to be the stumbling block to your recovery?
    What do you need to do in order to ensure you are free from the thoughts that haunt you?
    What could you do to leave behind the negative thoughts, and move forward?
    What are your immediate thoughts, and feelings, when faced with a memory of the abuse you suffered?
    How hard do you find it to be honest with yourself, and others?
    Why is that, and where does it come from?
    Why do you find it difficult to be free and honest in speech and manner?
    Do you avoid having sex, or being intimate, because it reminds you of what happened to you when abused?
    What could you do, to regain control of your sexual life? Its yours after all, and the memories that prevent you having or enjoying sex is your abusers way of stopping you live your life, but don’t allow them to control you any longer.
    So, having read the above, here are three questions for you to consider:
    1. Could you let all of this go?
    2. Would you let all of this go?
    3. WHEN would you let all of this go?
    Make sure you answer the three questions and then make the right decision!

    Summer Wind

                                                        The summer's winds have all but stopped
                                                     the winter weather nears
                                         I sit beside the window and watch the year turn into years

                                                   I am not sure where it all leads
                                                   some say they know the plan
                                      of an immortal being with eyes aflame who holds me in his hands

                                                     But what if it is all a plot
                                                    to make me do their deeds
                                             shall I follow endlessly to fulfill another's needs.

                                                    What if all that they believe
                                                       is just a wicked tale
                                       a made up story to ease their pain of a life that's doomed to fail

                                               The autumn's harvest or a winter's death
                                                     a darkness will soon fall
                                     and eyes will close against the sharp reality of a lifetime's empty lull

                                                  It is just a jest to press my hands
                                                      and to bend my knees
                                     pretending that I believe in something way beyond all of this and me

                                                      Shall I suffer horribly
                                                     with gnashing of my teeth
                                         shall I burn in some molten hell with others of like beliefs

                                                   The bubbling pools of sulphur
                                                    projected to cause me fear
                                           leave but a bitter stench that souls can be so steered

                                                   For there is not but what I see
                                                    there are no unknown truths
                                         from all their carols of life's rebirth I find that I must flee

                                                    To the hilltop I shall take me
                                                      to the sea I shall float
                                       away to something else which pulsates echos of times remote

                                                      If there is a great spirit
                                                    and should it walk with ease
                                        among the wicked and just, it cares not who tries to please

                                                     It must be so beyond us
                                                     so different from our kind
                                            how could it matter if I am good or if I am blind

                                                   The entity that we call in trust
                                                    to witness our good deeds
                                         cares not about the little spirits enraptured with little pleas

                                                        I know this is so
                                                      I know it hears me not
                                         for I have asked again and again to have what others got

                                                  A gentle pillow to rest my head
                                                       a bowl full of soup
                                          a life to be spared from death when illness was a foot

                                                       And did it hear me
                                                I think not, it made me wait with pause
                                         I take up now my bitterness, a true and righteous cause

                                                     Look to another dream
                                                    turn away from this myths
                                     this works not and must be crushed, under heavy, blacken beams.

                                                    In my way I have trusted so
                                                   I have walked the razor's edge
                                           my life has been for folly and I sit here now in dread

                                                   I know that no matter the plea
                                                  no matter how sweet the praise
                                         the God to whom I have prayed is just in some silly daze

                                                   The winter's night of darkness
                                                    kisses my cheek goodnight
                                         the Spring shall never call again from me it must take flight


    Friday, 23 September 2011

    Words That Harm #amsosa

    Very little attention is paid to how damgaing words can be to you, when you were abused, and those words can continue to impact upon you throughout your life, often without you knowing how harsh an effect they have had on you. Some of the words were used to silence you, make you feel that it wasn't that bad, or that you even asked for it.
    Some of those words haunt you and make you feel less of a man, less of a person, and cupable in what happened.
    Some of those words seem to define who you are, however hard you try to fight against them.
    Some of those words scream back at you that you are gay, weak, unsure, have concerns about what is commonly named as same sex attraction, but seldom says where that so called attraction stems from.
    Please know, that no matter what negative words may come to haunt you at the moment, you can and are able to get beyond those words, with the correct supportive advice, and avoid anyone who tries to tell you who or what you are, because you are the only one who can make the decision.

    Many Survivors feel unable to express their feelings, thoughts and feelings, so here's a short guide to help you distinguish between a thought and a feeling, and become more aware of the differences involved. Thoughts are what you think, when asked for a response to a question that you may not want to answer, which often prevents you from answering truthfully
    Feelings are what make you “tick” and react the way you do, often negatively, often damaging you as a person.
    EXAMPLE: If asked what you feel against child sex abusers, you would be able to answer that with conviction, and express your feelings against the people who abused you, without any problems. (Unless you have a hidden anger problem, which can be worked on!)
    If asked a more personal question, such as what do you think about in your darkest moments, you will automatically think “Can I answer that?” “ Will I be laughed at?” “Will people think me mad/bad/evil?” Then proceed to give the answer that you think should be said.
    Those thoughts can prevent you expressing your true feelings, to yourself and others, and continue to block your recovery.
    What happens when asked any question, or put in a situation is:
    * You have a previous Memory.
    * You have a previous thought.
    * You have a previous Reaction.
    * You have a Response.
    Usually, its the wrong response, based on old behaviours, and off you go again, feeling bad...etc
    This happens in seconds, automatically looking back on previous events, mistakes and events made in the past, and without being aware of it, the way you react NOW will and does prevent your recovery.

    If you begin to trust, knowing that whatever you say will be listened to and accepted, you are on your way.
    Try it, you never know what may happen, you may even find the true meaning to your thoughts, feelings and actions, and even begin to make some sense of it all.
    Where does that feeling stem from?
    Having been sexually abused, made to feel powerless, afraid, hurt, upset, etc. you are still carrying that fear into any situation you may find yourself, and still wrongly continue to feel some responsibility for what happened to you.
    That includes guilt, in that you feel bad for anything that happens to you or even those around you.
    You also feel bad about yourself, and who you are or seen as: (Weak, stupid, afraid, nervous)
    Feeling vulnerable, and allowing that feeling to dominate your thoughts makes you shy away from situations that cause you to feel that, imagining or fearing, somewhere deep inside, if you’re not careful, you may be abused and hurt again, even just your feelings.
    * You avoid making friendships, avoid ‘dangers’ that may exist.
    * You avoid letting people get to know you, just in case!
    * You trust no one, look what happened last time!
    * You hate being "seen" if you are you may be seen as vulnerable, lacking in some way.
    * You allow your abuse to continue to live your life, letting the fears control your thoughts.
    * You allow yourself to be controlled by your in-actions to say, do or speak out.
    Why live that way, afraid to say or do what you want to?
    Why allow the past to screw you up, making life unbearable at times?
    Why not try to open up, begin to express your feelings, thoughts, fears and feelings and go beyond letting them continue to haunt you?
    It takes just one word to start a conversation!
    Why not try? If you choose to face whatever fears that are binding you, the only good result is that you will grow stronger for doing so, so it has to be a good move, however scary it may feel at the moment.

    ALL rights belong to Amsosa UK

    Thursday, 22 September 2011

    Madness Reigns

    I stepped into the puddle of a distant rain
    Recollection like a thunderclap of a distant pain

    I walked into the shadow of another life
    Shadows never die, there’s darkness and there’s light

    Reality sometimes folds into itself
    Like madness invading your mental health

    I flew with a blindness through a curtain of love
    And the fire of creation keeps heating my blood

    My emotions often swallow me into a reality outside
    And I can enter a world where the secrets hide

    Energy of mine dancing through calamity
    And this haphazard thinking is calling insanity

    @Hidden_Beth - Bullying Must Stop

    This Thursdays guest blogger is Beth, her twitter account is @Hidden_Beth

    These are her words.

    I've never really had a childhood, I'm still only a teenager but I'm not living the life a teenager should be living, I see people my age going out enjoying themselves while I sit at home on my own wondering when this is going to end.

    I've been bullied for 6 years, and its still happening now, I've been called so many names including fat and ugly, at one time I was told it would be good if I died. The bullies would throw things at me including pens and food, one time they threw a stone at my head which gave me a headache and nearly made me faint.
    I'd be glad to finish school to get away from the bullies but then I'd get home to arguments and the stress my mum and dad bring home from their work. So I'd have no where to go to feel okay and safe.  Because of everything going on I soon started to think about running away, I never got to actually doing it but I still think about it now.

    When I was 15 I started noticing that my mood was constantly low, I couldn't be happy anymore without having to pretend, I wasn't diagnosed with depression until I was 16, but I've probably had it for over 2 years now. You may know that one of the symptoms of depression is suicidal thoughts, I first started getting these when I was 15, but they got worse over time, now I get them everyday and I've lost count how many times I've tried to act on them. While I was in school I'd think of ways I could kill myself in school, I'd take pills into school with me everyday, I'd take scissors and I knew there was a bridge and a traintrack nearby. It was sad that bullies had got me to this point. I've also been self harming since I was 15 because it seemed like the only option left to 'make me feel happy' even if it is just for a few seconds, everything seems okay for a little while.
    I don't want your sympathy because of my story, I just want you to understand how much people's words can scars someone inside and out. Bullies nearly ended my life, don't let them wreck someone else's.

    Every seven seconds someone in Britain is being bullied.

    And I'm hoping to raise awareness of what the long term affects of bullying are by telling my story.
    I suppose I can say that my past has created who I am today, its made me a nicer person because I know what its like to have people be horrible to you.

    6 years I've been bullied and it still happens sometimes, and that's only when I build up the confidence to actually leave my house, but then when the bullies see me they make comments or just give me 'dirty looks', I'm used to it now because of how long its been happening but it breaks me down a little more each time.
    The bullying has had massive affects on me, I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I'm a self harmer, I've think about suicide everyday and I've acted on the thoughts many times. - The UK has the highest rate of self-harm in Europe.

    I've been in counselling and I'm now in therapy but nothing seems to work, it just feels like the only thing that will make me better is if I could turn back time and make everything that has happened to me not happen if that makes sense.

    I'd think there was something wrong with me, and I still do but somewhere inside my mind I know there's not.
    I really wish that we could just put an end to bullying altogether. People shouldn't have to put up with it, and people shouldn't have to go through what I went through.

    I’ve been in therapy for over a year and I’ve not got any better, if I’m honest I seem to have become worse.
    I love my therapist to bits and she’s so lovely and supportive so its not because I don’t have a therapist that ‘works for me’ maybe its just my motivation. If the bullying had stopped I suppose things would be different.
    I’ve tried to recover from self harm but I’m back to my old ways again, but I’ve made a self harm blackberry messenger support group if anyone is interested in joining :)
    I have so much support from people online, they mean the world to me and I owe them so much! They’ve been with me every step of the way.

    So, join me on my journey to recovery. Its been a long lonely road so I’d like some more company :)

    You Raise Me Up

    Wednesday, 21 September 2011

    Peace One Day - A Little Peace

    A LITTLE PEACE - 15/05/1982
    2 weeks at #1 - 9 weeks on chart

    Just like a flower when winter begins
    Just like a candle blown out in the wind
    Just like a bird that can no longer fly
    I'm feeling that way some times

    But then as I'm falling, weighed down by the load
    I picture a light at the end of the road
    And closing my eyes I can see through the dark
    The dream that is in my heart

    A little lovin', a little givin'
    To build a dream for the world we live in
    A little patience and understandin'
    For our tomorrow, a little peace
    A little sunshine, a sea of gladness
    To wash away all the tears of sadness

    A little hopin', a little prayin,
    For our tomorrow, a little peace

    I feel I'm a leaf in the mound on the snow
    I fell to the ground, there was no-one below
    So now I am helpless alone with my song
    Just wishing the storm was done

    A little lovin', a little givin'
    To build a dream for the world we live in
    A little patience and understandin'
    For our tomorrow, a little peace
    A little sunshine, a sea of gladness
    To wash away all the tears of sadness
    A little hopin', a little prayin,
    For our tomorrow, a little peace

    We are feathers on the breeze
    Sing with me my song of peace
    We are feathers on the breeze
    Sing with me my song of peace

    Forever Beautiful

    No sight
    of any wonders
    of the world,
    no beautiful thing,
    not anything,
    could mean as much
    as to see your face
    look gently at me again,
    no beautiful sound
    could mean as much
    as to hear you speak
    softly to me again.
    Since I lost you,
    now I look
    at what else
    once seemed beautiful
    and compared to you
    it all seems dead,
    lacking something
    of what it once had,
    compared to you,
    and I would trade
    all else that is beautiful
    simply to know you,
    so I can love you,
    near to me again.
    Without you near again,
    everything else
    that is beautiful
    seems only a theory,
    an aesthetic,
    applied principles,
    some abstractions,
    resemblanced to ideas,
    a technical question,
    but nothing really
    really beautiful.
    You would always be
    more beautiful
    to me.

    Tuesday, 20 September 2011

    Male Rape #amsosa

    If you are male and have been raped, either as a child or adult, you could well see yourself listed below, in thoughts and feelings and you even may experience some of them often or all at once.
    A. SHOCK:
    A ) Disbelief
    B ) Embarrassment
    C ) Disorientation (Experience of police, court and hospital may prolong this)

    B. DENIAL:
    A ) Depression/Guilt. B ) "There wasn't a rape"
    C ) "It was just a rape"
    D ) "I can't handle this"
    E ) Not wanting to tell anyone
    F ) "No one will understand"
    G ) "I can't live with myself"
    H ) "This won't bother or affect me"
    I ) Not wanting to tell anyone
    J ) "It will go away if I don't think about it"

    C) SHAME:
    A ) Fear/Anxiety
    B ) "I wish I were dead"
    C ) "I could have stopped it"
    D ) "I could have stopped it"
    E ) "I think I'm going crazy"
    F ) "I shouldn't feel this way"
    G ) "I could have prevented it"
    H ) "I asked for it somehow" ~ Self-blame
    I ) "I'll never feel better again" ~ Hopelessness
    J ) "He didn't really mean to hurt me" ~ Feeling that anger is wrong

    A ) Anger
    B ) Nightmares
    C ) Flashbacks
    D ) Feelings of vulnerability
    E ) "Will I ever trust again?"
    F ) "Will I ever enjoy sex again?"
    G ) "Will I ever get over this?"
    H ) "Can people tell I've been raped?"
    I ) "Will I ever have a healthy relationship again?"

    A ) My anger is safe.
    C ) Anger at rapist.
    G ) Reacceptance of Self
    D ) Anger at not having control
    E ) Anger at society and men in general
    F ) Anger at others because they don't understand
    B ) Anger at the system e.g.police, court, state attorney, etc.

    A ) Feeling whole. B ) Feeling in control of life
    C ) Recognising your own efforts kept you alive
    D ) Channeling anger into your career, exercise, helping others, etc.
    E ) Recognising that you are still you, regardless of your assault
    F ) Accepting the source of your anger, not judging your own angry feelings
    G ) Recognising that you didn't choose to be raped, you were a victim of circumstance

    For survivors, whether as a child or adult, past or recent, it is also common to experience one or more of the following:
    . Fearful
    · Nightmares
    · Tearfulness
    · Feeling unsafe
    . Startling easily
    · Flashbacks of the incident
    · Difficulty concentrating
    · Flashbacks of the incident
    · Anxiety regarding or lack of interest in sex
    · Physical symptoms i.e. headaches, gastro-intestinal distress, etc.
    You may feel worried and disturbed that you were by the fact that you were unable to protect yourself during the rape, and should have put up more of a fight and stopped the rape, even though there may have been a weapon used, or more than one person involved in the rape.
    You may start to question your masculinity and ability to be a "man" having had the control of his body taken by somebody else, you may also fear that others will discover that you were raped, or that a someone will 'see' that you have been sexually assaulted simply by looking at you.
    You may feel guilty for"submitting" to an act because of the fear of injury or death, even though in reality, you know that submission does not equate consent. Remember you did whatever you had to do, in order to get away and survive.
    If when being raped, you got an erection, maybe even cum/ejaculate or in some cases leak pre-cum, that alone may make you think that somehow you enjoyed what happened to you, but both of these responses are involuntary reactions to extreme stress, fear or stimulation. To get an erection never equals consent.
    It can also confuse you sexually, leaving you to think that you are now gay or will become gay. This is not true. You may continue to express yourself sexually based on your sexual orientation prior to the assault. You may also feel a strong need to withdraw entirely from sexual relations.

    Men get raped by other men
    Rapists who rape men are heterosexual in 98% of the cases
    Both homosexual and heterosexual men get raped
    In all parts of society (not just in prisons)
    Men are less likely to report rape

    We have grown up for the most part believing that only women are the victims of the sexual crime of rape. Basically any form of sexual abuse. Most of us are taught that grown men do not get raped and young boys are the only "Maybe" in our society. If this is you let me be the one to tell you how wrong you've been taught.
    Men go through almost identical issues as women do. With subtle changes due to their manhood as women have towards their feminism.
    . Feelings of guilt
    . Powerless
    . Concern regarding their safety
    . Denial
    . Shock
    . Anger
    . Depression
    . Anxiety
    The issues which differ for the Males are:
    . Concerns about sexuality and/or masculinity
    . Reporting to law enforcement
    . Telling others
    . Finding resources and support

    Do Men Cry?
    If we didn't have the ability to cry, we couldn't feel and we would all be vulnerable, wating for the next pain to arrive and the next and so on. Emotion helps us deal with depression, and crying helps us maintain our stress.
    So do men cry? Some guys hold back the tears, worrying that they will be seen as weak and childish, but I can always see the tears hidden behind the eyes, glistening.
    Some men are more able to cry more often than others and some are able to show their emotions. It's all a matter of healing.
    We all heal differently and it is factual that men do not show emotions quite like women but almost every male survivor I have ever known has cried at least once whilst in therapy, and have felt so much better for it. Its not a sign of weakness to cry

    Only Gay Men Are Raped?
    Numbers do not lie. Yes; gay men may be raped, but not ONLY gay or bisexual men are raped.
    There is always the risk, that when taking any sexual risk to find a sex partner, that you may end up being targetted to be raped because you are gay/bisexual.
    Being raped or abused sexually is no different to those men who are straight, but there are a few important differences.
    You might feel that because of your sexual orientation, you are to blame for the assault. You may also feel traumatised if a woman sees you as a challenge and attempts to sexually assault you, or if the assault includes acts you are scared of or inexperienced with.
    Want to report the rape? Not sure what will happen when you do?
    As part of the reporting process, you will be requested to undergo a rectal examination, as well as being examined for lacerations and other injuries. If oral penetration occurred, the doctor may need to take a swab for any possible STI's. (Sexually Transmitted Infections.)
    It is important to know that all of the above are a natural part of the recovery from sexual abuse and rape, and that although recovery can be difficult, it is not impossible. Support during this time is very important, as you will, in many ways re-experience it again in the form of flashbacks, nightmares, heightened startle response, intrusive thoughts etc.
    Whether you have experienced any of the above signs, for short or long periods of time, therapy can help in healing.
    Sexual assault and rape impacts on almost every area of your life including feelings about yourself, your relationships with your partner and family, social relationships, and possibly challenges at work. Therapy is very effective in promoting recovery and limiting the after-effects of sexual assault as much as possible.

    How does therapy help?
    First off, enter any interview with a counsellor or therapist, with the knowledge that you are interviewing THEM, and checking to see if they can help YOU.
    The specific approach to therapy is usually determined by the therapist's training and theoretical framework. When interviewing potential therapists, do not hesitate to ask about how they think therapy is helpful in recovery from trauma.
    Having said that, therapy can help by providing a safe place for you to work through feelings of anger, fear, helplessness, and grief that can lead to feeling overwhelmed, isolated, or wanting to "numb out." In addition, a therapist experienced in working with sexual assault can help you to consider other factors that may be making your recovery more complicated such as:
    · beliefs about the sexual assault
    · past experiences with violence
    · recent loses i.e. divorce, death of someone close to you, job stress, illness, etc.
    · history of sexual abuse during childhood
    · underlying depression
    · underlying anxiety disorder
    · eating disorders and/or problems with body image 

    ALL rights to this article belong to AMSOSA UK


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