For more years than I care to remember I was unable to talk to anyone, unable to connect with anyone and felt like a total freak. I knew that I had been abused. What I had hidden from myself was the extent, the brutality and the complexity of it all.
My life was been lived in the shadows. I developed alternative personalities (alters) that enabled me to function in the "real world". The real me, the boy and teenager that had been abused, used, tortured, tormented and raped vanished inside me. I could not cope with life. Looking back, I think it was that or die. By the age of 20, "I" had all but gone. "I" had some control over the others, but not enough.
"We" tried to live a normal life. There were major issues that affected the way that life was lived.
Intimacy was a problem, ability an even bigger problem. Identity was just total confusion. There was anger, mostly directed inwards. Pain was a daily problem. Confidence yo-yo'd depending on which of the alters was pulling the strings at the time.
The alters were all parts of me. Aspects of "myself" that broke away and just got on with things. I had a few major setbacks along the way.
I had a very, very low opinion of myself. I made life decisions that were damaging to myself and probably others. I drank too much, I spent too much, I gambled, I smoked weed. I didn't look after myself, or myselves even. I was self-harming in many ways.
I was uncomfortable "standing still": I couldn't settle, I had to be on the go. Even now I cannot sit still for very long.
Suicide did cross my mind but after a couple of bungled attempts early on I gave up on that.
Slowly, and mostly under my own steam, I began to heal. Because I was finally able to rid myself of so many demons that made my life a living hell; because after decades of walking through abuse-induced fog, I have come out the other side. I have comes to terms with what happened to me. It was not my fault, I cannot change or undo it. I will not forgive, cannot forget, but I can get on with my life.
Some kind people have been concerned about my current apparent "anger" and that I might not be looking after myself properly. I will try and address that here:
Yes, I am angry for the wasted years but again recognise I can do nothing about it. I am angry that abuse continues, that far too many just turn a blind eye or think "never in my family".
That makes my blood boil. The fact that minor celebs get on the news because they have decided to speak about their own issues is good. But would it be on the news if you or I asked to be interviewed?
Millions and millions are spent by governments on "services" and "consultants", "but where are the televison ads that say, "If you abuse and you're a man you will be castrated and if you are a woman you will be sewn up" ?
Abusers should be marked, tattoed on their foreheads and hands. Where is the deterrent, let alone the adequate punishment for these foul excuses for humans?
Why fill our prisons? Mark them, name them and set them free. I would also have their hormones screwed up as well.
All sounds extreme?? Isn't what was done to me, and to millions of other victims, extreme?
How many millions of abusers are walking our streets?
I am angry, for those of us that have suffered and for those suffering right now and in the future.
And if I can't rant on my own blog, where can I rant? As far as looking after myself goes... I don't self harm anymore. Much too busy ranting for that...
I do have a "complicated" life: I am kept busy looking after others and my business is on its knees due to the recession. I have a lot of stress, but apart from that I honestly think I am healing well.
My turn will come one day. One day my wings will really be tested out, just not now. Meanwhile, if I can stop one child being harmed then my anger will have helped.
More? Why not. We, the victims, have the voices and have the numbers. If no one else will do something about it then why can't we?
Maybe I am just deluding myself. I am after all just one voice.
Yes one voice. Most of the time now I am just me. I have managed to merge with the alters apart from one stubborn so and so but his days are numbered!
I can be me, and if you don't like me or what I say I honestly don't care. I AM HAPPY being me. At last!