Monday, 31 October 2011

A Bite In The Air.....


There's a bite in the air, a chill on the ground
This time of year restless spirits abound...
The laughter of children, dressed up for the night
Give them a treat, or be prepared for a fright....

Day loses it's battle, night extends it's dark power
Beware if you're around at the witching hour...
All Hallows Eve, a day celebrated through time
Ignore not it's meaning, ignorance a crime....

Summer days are long gone,  the harvest is in
Winter approaches; Let the hauntings begin...
Witches, werewolves, vampires and ghouls
The dead walk tonight!! Beware, ignorant fools...

The Fading Tide

                     Ominous as the sinking night
                     Chills of despair and hot blurring sight
                     Wafting high the crashing kite
                     Wasted, burning, wicked, contrite

                     Lowly silence deep inside
                     Clawing away with each passing stride
                     Brightly tarnished ancient pride
                     All the future be denied

                     Sighing upon the broken dawn
                     Vastly stripped the naked pawn
                     Every value wayward worn
                     Stagnant be the image torn

                     Ocean of the salty sea
                     Washing clean the screaming plea
                     Deep inside an evil glee
                     Joyous past did be free

Thursday, 27 October 2011

Words

Our words cripple aspiration, tongues slashing and burning
hopes are razed to the ground.
We grind each other down,
unthinking in our ferocity.
My big feet fit easily,
placed firmly in my big mouth
my speech kicks
your head in
I sledgehammer you,
softly still you're strong,
unbroken
Everything I say is nothing,

You are where no one should have to go
that purgatory of gentle let-downs
the torture of a thousand reassurances
cutting deeper, ever deeper.
I'm all too human in my vain stupidity
I wish I could say what you wanted
If I could deliver your wish I would face it,
I'm no hero, no god, no good, no better than anyone else

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

I Hear Your Words

I hear your words, they sound like mine

I understand every line.

Screaming inside at the top of your lungs

Make it stop! I just can’t take anymore!

But it’s not true, so more comes.


I grab your arm, don’t fight me, I say.

I understand the urge to run away.

I know you don’t want to hurt or cause me pain

But life goes on, I’ll hurt anyway.

I know what it’s like, crying in the rain.


Don’t you understand, don’t you see?

Maybe you can take the time to understand me.

Look in the mirror. Aren’t there pieces missing?

If we can find them together,

wouldn’t that be worth something?


Don’t be afraid to look beyond your control.

The understanding you seek may behind that closed door.

Whatever your hiding, or hiding from

Really, don’t worry, I can take it and more.

Monday, 24 October 2011

The Kiss

He has yet to find a kiss
that would feel as sweet
as his kiss would,
though looking to examine
every man's lips
to find that kiss
that would feel as sweet
as his kiss would,
to find that kiss
that would feel as true
as their kiss would.
If he only knew
how passionately
he wants
to kiss his lips,
fearing no other kiss
might prove as true
as their kiss would,
searching for a kiss
examining
every other man's lips
for that kiss that's lost
that kiss that would
feel as sweet and true
as his kiss would.
Somewhere
there must be a kiss
that would feel
as sweet and true
as his's would feel,
if they could kiss.

Sunday, 23 October 2011

The One?

                  I've seen those looks before, the intensity in your eyes;
                  I can't help but remember, all the pain and the lies.
                  I've felt the tenderness, of a hand stroke my face;
                  but it never meant a thing, when I was so easily replaced.
                  These words are all familiar, I've heard them time and time again,
                  there's a strong tendency to believe, but I'll get hurt if I let you in.
                  I can say there's something different, and that you're someone I can trust,
                  but I'll soon find I'm mistaken, confusing sincerity with lust.
                  I've lived through this all, the wonderful fun-filled days,
                  which are always an illusion, because I soon learn of their ways.
                  When will that look, the one I see in your eyes,
                  mean that I'm allowed to fall, because you will not tell me lies?
                  And the tenderness I feel as you gently touch my cheek,
                  when will it be okay for this touch to make me weak?
                  When will the words be true, honest and sincere
                  and when can I trust that you will always be near.
                  When can I trust that you truly care about me?
                  and know you'll be there, what will it take to see?
                  Is it possible for happiness to be more than an illusion,
                  Without me having to worry about its conclusion?
                  Your look, your touch, your word, your ways,
                  how can I be certain it will last more than a few days?
                  There's no way to be sure, only one way to see,
                  and that's to be strong, I think you're the one for me.

Saturday, 22 October 2011

The Dream Dragon

Cross words and traded looks.
Looks that trigger head flashes
In a moment the wall is up
We're perched on opposite sides
Of our one-acre king sized bed
It’s odd because the way we sleep
We could rent the extra space
But sleep comes hard tonight
I finally give up and study you
Study the curve of your shoulder
Across the glacier of sheets separating us
While I memorize the crest of your cheek
A night frown stirs your face
I find myself thinking about me
Wondering why I flew at you
You frown again and whimper
Without thinking I glide toward you
Crossing the glacier of rumpled sheets
Parting trecherous iceberg pillows
Until I'm stroking your forehead
I feel you settle into me
Making me feel like a knight
Who just killed the dream dragon
Of your nightmares.

Thursday, 20 October 2011

Pieces Of A Dream

O’ Moonlight,
starry sky,
secrets,
dreams
and all things that occupy the night.
Inside, a dark wilderness,
forever, intricate & mysterious,
it is a world beyond things that make sense.
The scape of eternal October,
haunting & romantic.
A huddle of trees, so ever, ever green,
edging on the wild, grey ocean.
Dazzling creatures stirring
deep within the silence,
otherwise an eerie quiet.
I am lost in the moment,
in between the tick and the tock of time,
in between the light
where images rhyme,
where shadows hide,
and the wise, yellow swarm of owl eyes.
The stars, curious in their arrangement,
offer no reason or advice,
only a clutter of white
in their vague, cobalt empire.
Illuminary illusions,
these shards of light
were crushed out long ago,
but how oddly the night remembers
unstilling the darkness
with their strange protrusion
crowning the world with their phantom existence.
I am confused, I look for clues
in water wells...
in a tigers eye...
in witches closets.
I touch the moon,
a golden pool,
or a moody Cyclops.
In my hand, a photograph
of a laughing wizard in a purple hat.
I bow to admire
a motley caterpillar
and wonder why he does not have a hookah?
Dangling from the trees
are words not leaves,
and I carefully choose each one to put in my pocket,
I am saving them for later,
I am saving them for my poem.
I toss, I turn
and emerge awake
and the world suddenly collapses.

Next Time

                                   When the world was young,
                                      our love was forged,
                                 made to stand the tests of time,
                                    and shine all the brighter.

                                        I like to believe,
                                that we've loved through the ages,
                            sometimes together, sometimes from afar,
                                  but, always destined to meet,
                              because seperate, we are not complete.

                                 I've waited so long to find you,
                                         in this lifetime,
                               each day from the moment we met,
                                       is a beautiful thing,
                                   not always easy, but special,
                                because you are a part of my life.

                             I wouldn't trade even a single moment,
                                just pray that I have many more,
                                and that in our next incarnation,
                                      we meet much earlier.

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

Tomorrow Belongs To Me


Sometimes we have to be in the darkest of places before we have the chance to see a glimmer of light. Recently I fell off the road upon which I was walking. I strayed into the shadows and got lost in the darkness.


I forgot my own rules. I forgot to be strong, shoulders back, to stay within the safety of the circle of light, the eye of the storm.

I have discovered that I was partly pushed off the safety of the path. I was so wrapped up in trying to solve problems that I forgot to look for their cause. Believing myself a failure I wandered off into the dark wilderness and almost fell off a cliff.

The feeling of worthlessness, of failure is no stranger to me. I carried it with me most of my life. It is only in the last few months that I felt myself worthy. Human. I had rights.

They say as one door closes another opens. At the moment one door in my life is closing. It has felt as if it was being slammed shut in my face at times. I was reeling from the pain of it, the finality of it. Looking back over the last few months I think that actually one door was opening before the other truly started to close. It is only the opening of that door that made me see my life for what it is.

It is my belief, backed up by the statements of others, that my one door was being pushed shut by others. Well, so be it.  What goes around, comes around. Be careful what you seek.....

I have made new friends for the first time in many many years. I have found a way to express myself and in so doing it appears I have helped others. Thank You!

I have been very self absorbed these last 2 weeks. Worrying, scared, fretting over the future. It took me back to my childhood, feeling helpless and alone. It is through the kindness of virtual strangers that I have come through and can see the truth for what it is. Thank you again!

The road is still going to be rocky for a while, much to do to put the past to bed. I will not waste time with revenge, or even regrets. Those who are not with me are against me, and therefore I am against them.

Things happen for a reason. I will take as much good as I can out off my current situation and make it grow into something new. So... A new name, The Word Wizard. Once I was a metal man, I may still be a metal man but it does not define who or what I am. A friend stated recently that we were both metal men of sorts... He knows who he is. Well, I would like you to suggest a new twitter name, if you think I need one. I have added The Word Wizard, but should I change janmetalman too?

Onwards and most certainly upwards. I will do my utmost to keep on the right path, in the light amongst those who do not wish me harm.

From the ashes of yesterday will rise a new tomorrow. A new me maybe. I have been changing for months, becoming the man I was supposed to be? I was so very very low over the past few days, I never want to go there again.

Thank you those that sent personal messages of support, it means so very much to me. To you that have been so SWeeT these last weeks, you have saved me.

I know I am going on, and on, and on............ So what! I have finally seen the "light", the "truth" and I know my "way" now.










Now is now, I cannot change yesterday. Tomorrow is yet to come. Tomorrow is mine to make of it what I will.

The Mirror

You are the mirror of my love,
You give my cold hearth a warming fire.
Your lips exhale the oxygen I need,
You are my love, my one hearts desire.

I am the man, who loves you best,
I am the knight, on my sturdy beast,
I will guard and protect you always,
I will bring you to lifes harvest feast.

You are the moon in my darkest night,
You are my life and will be my death,
You give my heart its beat, 
You give my life its meaning. 


Tears, Falling Like Rain

     He reaches deep inside his heart,
     to find something that no longer remains.
     He struggles to overcome it,
     but can find nothing to gain...
     He cries in his dreams,
     about times now passed away.
     He hides from his desires,
     as his heart begins to fade...
     He trusts like an angel,
     and believes still the same.
     You could tell him anything,
     his trust would not evade...
     He endures his passion,
     and dwells within his dreams.
     He strives forward blindly,
     his will unbroken, or so it seems...
     He revels at small triumphs,
     the praise and glory now washed away.
     He regrets not looking back,
     its too late, someone took it away...
     He fought back the tears,
     that fell like rain,
     He fought back diligently,
     while he fought the pain...
     He wagers everything,
     with nothing to lose, and nothing to gain.
     He fades into oblivion, unnoticed,
     tears falling like rain.
     Who is he? Just me.........

Sunday, 16 October 2011

Scars Of Yesterday

                        The pain we feel within, you see, at times we have to share,
                         Without a release of sorrow, the pain just lingers there,

                           I came across a box, today, I wish I'd left it closed,
                         Just like the box, Pandora, much pain became exposed.

                           Inside, were all my memories, some of them of you,
                      Most were of, forgotten times, when skies weren't always blue.

                 I'd thought, I'd purged things from my heart, but now, they've all come back,
                       I wish I hadn't, cleared the way, and opened the box, so black.

                       Someday, I hope to find the key, to the box, I found that day,
                         For when I do, I'll lock the box, and throw the key, away.

                          Look inside a lonely heart, and help me find that key,
                          Help me close that box, today, and set my spirit, free.

                     There's too much pain, in yesterday, and tomorrow's yet to share,
                        The time it has, to heal the scars, that yesterday put there.

Saturday, 15 October 2011

The Battle

                         Surf Roars, moon hides, and the clouds roll on in
                        wild nights like this call up the turbulence within
                          Is it pain, is it sorrow, is it memories stirred?
                       Is it you drawing me closer to your soul as it were?

                    Ocean breeze it is fierce and my hair whips at my face
                        and time seems to stand still to let me embrace
                    all the darkness and the moisture and the elements here
                        to remember the passion we once used to share

                       The darkness of night dwells within my own soul
                        the pain and the crying  and the cold takes it toll
                           I remember it as in a dream sequence here
                        yet its clear and around me and calling me near

                         How many years ago did I stand up out there
                        watching you leave me to go who knows where?
                            and never a tear did dare leave my eyes
                           the pain and the passion I kept well inside

                     Some named me 'callus', some called me 'quite strong'
                       never a one knew the pain in my heart or my song
                            to the ocean I cried deep inside all along
                      and shared the emotions all the days and nights long

                      And tonight I remember, the storms brought it back
                         I can feel you beside me as I wander this track
                      to my heart you've returned once again and we know
                      you should never have left me to do battle long ago

Friday, 14 October 2011

Together

                                       Two worlds that will tear us apart
                                     One love that would bring us together,
                                      Two minds that are deeply confused
                                      Two hearts that could talk on forever,
                                       Two tears I will always be crying
                                       One smile I will always be smiling,
                                     For it's only when I close my eyes and
                                        fall asleep that we are together,
                                     But when I open my eyes there will be
                                     no more dreams so I wish of the things
                                               that could be,
                                          Only If we were together.

Thursday, 13 October 2011

Hide Me

hide me, oh world
behind your tattered wings
justify my pain
with a song.
and it's you who sings
of the sorrow of the dreams
that are dying.
The world is what it seems
empty, shallow, and without a light
to guide us through the night
of day.
Failure abounds, i push it all away
to wander and grow old
alone.
Bathed in my misfortunes;
dressed in my mistakes.
i wait and i wait to see if my heart awakes
oh and i hate, how i hate
without delay, another day comes
to torch my soul with fame.
although i remain
without a name
i'm forced to play the game
of life
alone..

1993

Depression and Pain

Head spinning, soul wrenching, heart crushing darkness
What to do, where to turn, who to trust?
My stomach sick, my head throbbing, heart racing
Panick. Worry. The end?

I look for the light, the right path. I try, I really do.
Burst tyre.... what next. Is this a sign? The end?
Been through, and survived, so much before..
But this? Why does this stab like a knife?

My core, my security, my existence threatened.
I feel so tired, too tired, enough is enough.
Where now? What happened to my life..
This weight too much. Just too much.

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

This is Life?

The heart beats, but there's no pulse
The mind works, but there are no dreams
Only born to live day to day
Surviving on survival, week to week

Waking up is the hardest part of the day
Knowing that you have to suffer just to get by
Doesn't seem fair that others have it better
Head tilted upwards and asking the clouds why?

Workplace is cold and dismal
Loneliness, a trusting companion
Robotic and lifeless in the daily chores
Struggle to pretend you're still human

Communication becomes a lost art
Those voices can't reach your ears
Only the work keeps you occupied
To temporarily ease their evergrowing fears

Come home to an empty house
Greeted by the walls, the furniture and such
Sitting in a chair that faces a distant window
Reflection screams that you're life isn't worth much

Tuesday, 11 October 2011

Tricked

He tricked himself,
into not believing,
thinking he was trapped
the same as the others
were trapped,
among the mirror reflections
he had created
in the maze.
He had not left
a thread of hope
to follow,
so as to get beyond
the sad eyed cynicism.
He only wanted
to come nearer
to the melancholic tone
of that voice,
as distrusted every word
as if it were another word
meant for someone else
never really for him.
It is so very hard
to keep from wanting
to shatter all the mirrors,
to break through
all the walls of the maze.
It is the hardest thing
to do,
as he left no thread
to follow,
so as to come nearer,
from one side
to the other,
from away to nearer
to where she is
beyond the tragic mirrors
and the sad walls
that he'd created.

Monday, 10 October 2011

Desolated Doom

                     Silence; broken only by the whisper
                       Of my breath softly dispersing into
                       An ocean of empty, dark, blackened hue,
                     Encapsulating the light I hold near.
                     Calls of invisible souls screeching fear;
                       Their silhouette hiding coffin and pew;
                       Telling me to join them and what they'd do -
                     They'd black and rack and hack my soul to sear.

                     Water formed from fire floods my body;
                       Each droplet so saline it burns my cheeks;
                       But the pain I feel is nothing compared
                     To pain I know; oh how I long for me
                       To sleep and never wake again for weeks,
                       Or forever - if only someone cared.

I Love You

                                   I can't stop thinking of you
                                your eyes. that look. your smile.
                                     it's all too surreal
                                   I feel a sickness inside
                                thinking of you makes me sad
                                     you are so distant
                                       so far away
                                       yet so close
                                  why can't I talk with you?
                                 why can't I write to you?
                                   why am I afraid of you?
                                 because you might ignore me
                                      or laugh at me
                                    or make me feel bad
                                  for how I feel about you
                                   I should just let you be
                               but I can't stop thinking about you
                                     it won't go away
                                 it’s like a cancer in my mind
                              your name keeps ringing in my ears
                                 your image will not go away
                                  no matter how hard I try
                                   I'm hoping for a miracle
                                   the more I think about it
                                   the more my heart says

                                       I love you....

Sunday, 9 October 2011

Acting Out Sexually As A Male Survivor #amsosa

Although not often recognised, acting out sexually for male survivors is a common theme for most men, and that can include having random multiple sexual partners, with either men or women, and often both. This occurs when in a relationship or marriage and often occurs when stress overcomes the survivor.
To fit into 'society', you had to pretend to be 'normal' yet if you have concerns or doubts about your sexuality, it could cause you to perhaps act out sexually with men, more often than not repeating some or all of what was done to you as a child, that can cause you emotional problems, sexual problems and lead you to cause more damage to yourself in the process.
Try and avoid labelling yourself as either gay or bisexual or confused, because that won't help you come to terms with what has happened to you and what you are doing when feeling sexual. And if you do act out, please try and be gentle on yourself afterwards, as harsh judgements will make you feel even worse.
Male survivors often say that they were to blame for what happened to them, that they went back for more, they failed so to say no, they enjoyed the touch/sensations, and yet they eventually see that no matter what, they are not to blame to what happened to them or for what was done to them, and that they can make changes and overcome the past, if they choose to do so.
The primary cause of this confusion and acting out comes from the forms of abuse done to you, yet you grow up thinking that you are the one that is dirty, confused, maybe think you're gay, or even worse, have issues with your gender identification. (See below for more on that issue)
It is only when survivors start to analyse their previous or current sexual behaviours, that they see there is still a form of abuse linked to their mistaken behaviours, which often leaves them feeling less part of the world and more isolated.
Some real life scenarios for you to consider: (permission granted to share two of the stories)
One male, acting out sexually with other men, yet defined himself as straight and 'normal', but when questioned about what types of abuse took place when he was a child, he recalled that it was the same sexual acts he was carrying with men. That was a real shock to him, as he had never seen the connection before and realised that it was not him, but the abuse that caused him to do what he did.
The realisation made him physically sick, in that he threw up, and the whole issue repulsed him that he was acting out that way and since he started working on the issues he has remained free from the past and remains straight and 'normal'
Another male, who masturbated 10-15 times a day, every day, in very unsafe situations and places, yet failed to see the connection between what was done to him and how that affected him as an adult. He is a married man, with a sex life that was being badly affected by his behaviours and until he addressed those issues, he was close to losing his wife, who wasn't able to understand what drove him to do these things
Sadly another male, who acted out sexually with countless females, yet never felt complete as a male, said he never felt loved or wanted, yet never allowed anyone to get close to him so avoided relationships at all costs, until he became severely ill and died, alone. That was a tragic waste of life.




CONFUSED BY YOUR SEXUALITY AND GENDER
When sexually abused as a child, there can be issues left that confuse you as to who you are and what you should be, sexually.
Consider this, if you were raped and abused, and in the process you were told or made to act out as if you were female, that alone would leave behind thoughts and feelings that will continue to haunt you, confuse you and even make you act out sexually.
Even more damage is done if the abuse continues over a period of time and te abuser continues to call you names and demands that you act or respond as a female.
More often than not, this is done to equate the abuse carried and to minimise the abuse, and is just another sick way that abusers carry out the abuse, under the impression that it does no harm.
Some, but not all men who have gone down the gender role assignment, have also suffered sexual abuse as a child or teenager, and that alone can confuse them enough more, because they are left feeling less of a man, whatever that is supposed to be, and therefore feel that they should be female, and in effect, passive in all ways.
I have been given permission to share one man's experience, which he suffered as a young child, in the hope that it helps you understand and appreciate the complexities that sexual abuse and rape can have upon some men
Aged just six years old, 'Tom' was raped and abused, whilst made to wear to female attire and during the abuse, was called by a female name, and told/made to act feminine. Photographs, wearing female attire, were taken of him.
Over the years, those effects made 'Tom' question his sexuality, his sexual identify and his confusion as to what was done to him as a child.
As he grew up, he was left thinking that as he failed to fit into what he saw as the normal world, that it meant he was female, and as he grew up, questioned his whole life. As he grew up, he questioned where he should have a sex change, whether he was gay, or that he should kill himself, which he thankfully failed at, and eventually went on to marry and have three children, yet he was still haunted by the past, and continued to use alcohol and drugs to mask the pain.
In order to gain some control over that, he started acted out sexually using a online persona, that allowed him to gain some control over the abuse he suffered. He kept that secret for many years and in the process, became very confused as to who he was and what he was supposed to be.
Western society states that he be a red blooded male and a sexual conqueror, but the remnants of the abuse confused and scared him enough to make him retreat in a fantasy world , where no one could hurt or abuse him, apart from the damage that he was causing himself.
Other damage that is caused is if the abuse was done in silence, and then you were told you were bad, or dirty, and that can impact upon your daily thoughts and life and cause you to doubt who you are, which makes you struggle daily, yet all the abuse, and pain that came with it belongs to the people who hurt and abused you, so break that silence and gain the power back, as it was NOT your fault. 

All rights to this article belong to AMSOSAUK

www.amsosa.com 








My Quivering Soul

                       No. Really
                       I do know how I am
                       I'm all messed up
                       that's nothing new

                       I don't know what to do
                       or who to be
                       or what you expect from me
                       it really doesn't matter anyway
                       you can scream at a wall until it breaks
                       but in the end

                       it's still broken,

                       How do you change you?
                       who is it that I have turned into
                       it's not me
                       it's not you

                       God, please don't let it be them
                       it must be them
                       because
                       I will wreck you
                       and I will use you
                       I don't know
                       you

                       Please, don't go
                       'cause I am scared
                       what if I really am who I came from
                       I know I push you away
                       what if it really is all my fault
                       stay
                       cause I am not me

                       Something
                       has been taken
                       from my quivering
                       soul

                       Love.

Even In Death

I've always known some of what you did,
Even when I was too young to know what,
The damage that you did to me,
The pain that I would eventually endure.

 
When I was too young to comprehend,
You did to me what things you could.
The pain of true memories and understanding,
Came later, once I understood, once I knew.


You did to me what things you could
While I lay dumb, deaf and blind. The hate
Came later, once it came back to life in me.
Then sorrow over all that could have been.


While I lay dumb, deaf and blind, the hate
was born in me, even as I watched you die
Later in life, I knew, I'd waited. I watched
life eat you up. But I didn't know it all.


Years would pass, years lost, chances lost.
 As I was in reality. I never stood a chance
Not in this hustle bustle world. I tried to
fit it, to belong. You didn't allow me.


The pain of memories destroyed so much,
Even decades after you rotted in your grave,
You still poison me, my life, my chances.
Even in death you controlled me.

I have fought mighty battles, conquered pain,
To allow myself to know it ALL. Everything
You did or arranged for me. The abuse. The pain.
You will not control me forever, You Will Not!


While I lay dumb, deaf and blind, you tortured
You corrupted my innocent life. Around us, 
All others too were deaf, dumb and blind.
How fortunate for you. But no longer.


I have eyes, I can see all that you perpetrated,
I have a tongue, it speaks of evils past,
I have ears, I wait to hear your screams...
As you burn in hell.

Saturday, 8 October 2011

CONTROL ISSUES THAT OFTEN AFFECT MALE SURVIVORS #amsosa

After Guilt Anger Anxiety and Sexuality issues, the over-riding issue that male survivors struggle with is one of self control, which is keeping control of themselves, and those around them.

WHAT IS CONTROL? Simply put, it's when you try micromanage your and other peoples thoughts, feelings and actions, and that action is often based on fear of something, someone, or everyone and everything. That fear comes from the traumas of sexual abuse, and is often not recognised as a factor, until guys start to talk about, and then acknowledge that they have major control issues, with families, relationships, work, and daily life.
Lose of that control could make you feel less of a man, or feel as it you are losing control of your life, but in reality, its loss of controlling everything around you that scares you, because if you lose control, what else do you have to protect yourself?
When I first meet a male survivor, one of the first issues to arise is the struggle for control that he has worked hard to maintain over the years, and its only when he starts to let go of that control, that his healing process begin, because unless he lets go of the control, he will remain 'in control' and unable to be open and honest, which will enable him to begin to let go of the abuse that happened to him.
When abuse comes to the forefront of your mind, control kicks in, as you don't want to lost control of yourself, and be seen as either weak or maybe stupid when in reality, it's not weak or stupid to express your real feelings, in any way.
Control issues can also cause you to feel extremes of anxiety and stress, and almost every survivor feels this in varying degrees, and once this issue is recognised, every survivor will admit to being 'control freaks' when in reality, all they have done is tried their best to stay safe and not feel abused again.
This manifests in many ways, but one of the biggest areas is one of staying strong, and not allowing yourself to be seen as weak, inferior or unsafe around others.
Recently, a client was faced with a situation that he had no control over, and wasn't going to get any control over, yet he constantly forced the issue, and stressed out, because he was not in control, and it led him to think that he would be better off dead!.
To have reached that stage, he had tried his best to control an issue that was outside of his control, that he would never be able to gain control of it, yet he still tried to force the issue, until he felt so bad.
Thankfully, by talking about it, again and again, he was able to see that from the abuse he suffered, he had lived almost all his life trying to control his life, control others around and at times, felt lost and alone, because he felt others had control over him, reminding him of the abuse and control that was taken from him. 

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A Love For Eternity

As times roll by and feeling proud,
I hear your voice it seems so loud,
Above the crowds I listen too,
The sweetest sound I ever knew.
Yet in lifes long train and journey be,
To love and cherish and honor thee,

For words of wisdom,are often said,
In heated times they should not be re- read.
The hurt, the shame I feel inside.
My soul,  my love I have kept inside.
The place of hearts and love and glee,
I  know it has returned in thee.

Loves great jouney was never bold,
No matter  however  young or old.
So watch in silence and just feel great,
My love I offer to thee on a plate.
A feast for two is what you will see,
A table set for two, just you and me.

In candlelight I see before
Your eyes dancing with l`amour.
Our love is precious, our love is strong
Please relax, listen to my song,
Now take your chalice and toast with me,
A love to last through all eternity.

Message In A Bottle

What a beautiful day
Laying on the beach
Wishing what could be
Feeling the sand between my toes
Pondering who you will be
I know your out there
As I glance out to sea
Wishing I could see you
So I sit
Down the beach
Watching the birds pass bye
Knowing this message is meant just for you
With words of love, hopes and dreams
I put on paper
Rolled up, sealed with a kiss
Into a bottle, with only one wish
Now standing on the pier
Taking a deep breath
Throwing it out to sea
Thinking of what could be
Waiting for my True Love, to catch this bottle
For once and for all
I wish, my wish would come true
Whoever you may be?
Come and make my dreams come True

Sabotage, or how you or others may prevent your recovery #amsosa

All too often, male survivors begin their recovery, in the knowledge that it is possible, however painful it may be to recover, then they suddenly back off and stop working on the issues that made them call us in the first place!

So what's the answer to this, and how you can ensure that you wont this and wont be the one who doesn't fail at the first hurdle either.

DON'T MINIMISE THE ABUSE
All to often, I hear guys say "mine was nothing like yours" when we speak about the abuse suffered, and more often than not, when they attend group, they say,after hearing someones else story, that they shouldn't really be complaining.
That kind of response can cause you to think that the abuse you suffered wasn't that bad, it only happened a few times, but I can also guarantee that no matter what was done to you, or how long the abuse lasted, it has had the same devastating effects and affects upon you
Therefore, you deserve to be part of a group and should be complaining about the abuse you suffered, as its caused enough damage to you and those around you.
So no matter how long it lasted, or what you suffered, please don't feel like a fraud or that you don't deserve support, because you do.

DISABLERS:
Some people, even loved ones, don't want you to change without them, so try to stop you doing so. They won't help you, dragging you back to the past and feeling like you have for ages, which just reminds you of the past, perhaps by telling you how bad or sad you are, and will slowly drag you back down to their level

CLOSED OPTIONS:
This is something you wil do to yourself, perhaps in thinking its better that you go about it alone, or maybe you get tangled up with with everything, without making decisions, thinking that you have always been this way, can't change and won't change.....in other words - 'conditional recovery'
You know that you should listen and perhaps wait, but ignore that and fall back into old habits, thoughts, feelings

BUILDING UP A BANK BALANCE:
Again, this is about storing old resentments, or behaviours up - saving them up, manufacturing resentments, hurt, blame, etc.
You store them up, and when it becomes too much for you, so you can explode or implode, revert back to previous actions and lifestyles, and before you know it, you're back at the beginning, lacking commitment to start again, and consider yourself to be a failure, again!

FEAR OF:

  • The unknown - Who or what am I.




  • Of honesty - Will I be accepted, or rejected?




  • Of responsibility - Can I survive, will I adapt/cope?

    PERMISSION: Can I do it?
    Do I give I myself permission to feel to be vulnerable?
    Who will I ask to help me?


    THREE MAIN AREAS TO WORK ON: 1. Make quality decisions in your life, not the same mistakes, that you know will make you feel 'bad'.
    2. Identifying the cues and triggers that set you off, and make feel that way.
    3. Start to use the coping skills that work for you.
    You need to remain alert to the dangers that are ever present;





  • Recognise dangers signs.




  • Avoid placing yourself in high-risk situations.




  • Seek help when you need it.




  • Own the decision whether to react or not!




  • There is, and never will be a magic cure!




  • Use your common sense- take control of your life.
    Remember - Facing up to and coping with risks will build up your confidence.


    People needed around you Those who will play 'family' roles, in supporting you
    Friends who will support you, and hold you steady as you work towards your goals
    Supporters who will ensure you stay straight, in thinking and using modes



    How to do this?
    Sit down and write a list of people that can and will help you through this..safe people! Then ask those people you list to actually take on the roles required. Make sure you use them when needed and call them when you need and don't need to, safety first, second and third!

    This article copyright Amsosa UK www.amsosa.com





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