The First Time

This year is the first time
in my whole life,
I have found reluctance
to walk still so alone in life,
along forest paths,
as too much sadness grows
among autumn flowers,
among the coloured leaves,
the first time
I don't feel like capturing
their images onto film.
This is the first time
in my life,
the season seems dead
cruel, and forbidding,
only the same tragedy
of all the times I walked
alone and could not hold
the hand of whom I love,
but could only feel
the touch of the wind
upon my fingers.
Now again only the same,
I can visit the leaves,
and the autumn flowers,
yet have no chance
of time spent together
with whom I love,
not even the touch
of her beautiful hand,
upon mine,
only left to the wind
touching upon my fingers,
and it all feels as chill
as only cold dark earth.

1991