Friday, 5 August 2011

Today I shared

No more Freaky Fridays for me. Today I shared this blog with someone I have known for over 15 years. I have spent my life hiding, lying and cheating, avoiding and denying my way through. So much of what has come out I hid from myself. I was not able to cope with it. Few of US can.

The reaction to my sharing was this:-

"Woah, man!

I had an idea of some but to such a degree?? Not at all."

I am sure he will not mind me posting that line. He is a good friend, one of those who is there even if you don't have daily, weekly, monthly or even yearly contact. One of the very few I can trust.

Sitting in quiet contemplation I have looked back at my wasted life. I have now been able to see clearly patterns of behaviour, cycles of living, ways to cope that I have been through. I have been driven by a need to belong. To be wanted. The survival instinct in me has taken me to some extremes of behaviour, I am not proud of many of them.

Survived is what I have done, sometimes by the skin of my teeth, sometimes despite my own best efforts to destroy myself.

I have survived. That in itself is revenge. Those family members who said to me I would never amount to anything were wrong. Just carrying on a semblance of a normal life was revenge, surviving. Being a success, being able to totally move on, being able to share my experiences and looking to help others is my goal.

I want to live my life, not survive.

The Boy That Lived.

6 comments:

Prozacblogger said...

"I want to live my life, not survive."

Man that is deep. I love that sentence. You couldn't be more right. I'm going to tweet it right now. :)

Sincerely,

- Prozacblogger

Anonymous said...

Praying for you!

touched2mysoul said...

Sharing is scary.... Don't share much... Scared of rejection! You r very brave!

CherryPie said...

He sounds like a really good friend.

Friends often know things about each other that have never been explained or shared verbally. That is the nature of friends.

Angela said...

What a wonderful gift to give your friend. I'm sure he was honored. Awesome!

Metal Man said...

I believe the ultimate goal for all survivors of abuse of any sort is to LIVE.

Sharing your feelings and experiences can help lessen your load. I know it does mine. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Jan

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