All you need is LOVE by @survivorsburg #loveisall

Another gem from my very good friend May Thomson.

May has helped me through some very rough times and I can safely say I would not be here today if not for her kindness and strength of character. She is a true superstar.

Before I got sick

In my last job, before I got sick, I was a steward/security officer and stewarded rugby matches, football matches, security of property etc and some big gigs all over Britain.

I have met a lot of people from all over the world, folk like myself, others rich and famous, all walks of life including two royal gigs at Edinburgh and London - amazing experiences all of them!

One constant I always had in my work life, no matter if you the boss or my colleagues customers, all get treated the same and it applies to the rule set too:- i.e rules for each gig different e.g doing stage door if no pass I not care who you say you are not getting in, ask the drummer of Status Quo!Rick Parfitt had to come to his rescue at usher hall lol lol.

I was not superviser management, just a steward or so I thought.

Sadly we had a family loss and I was off work quite a while with the adjustments etc. On my return to one of regular football venues I had the most uplifting joyous experiences I could ever wish for.

A young supporter of the team I was stewarding for, his grandfather and his dad, wow he was a short little boy. I thought he was about 7 yrs old but then discovered he was 11. In my first week back at work this little boys granddad spotted me first he nudged his grandson gesturing to look up which this little boy did his face lit up with such joy let go his granddads hand and came running to me saying "your back!your back! I am so glad your back!" ( choke) with a huge hug.

Before this I had spoken to little boy a couple of times and knew his granddad brought him in as his dad not in till later as he was a landlord.
I asked the little chap why are you so happy that I am back? He said "Because I like you! You are always nice and you smile at me when I come in", wow that blew me away.

Till that day I thought I was just an average steward but that taught me so much. Yes I was one small part of a very large team but even my small contribution of carrying out my job correctly for the company I worked for to the best of my abitlies made an impact to the customers I served too.

This venue was also where young fans copied heroes,  national football star putting feet on back of seats etc. The Scotland team got told same as the supporters coming down. One little boy said "Do you know who you just told off misses?" No, I replied.  He said the players name and that he was a Scotland player. I told him yes well he's no different to you in these seats! So he gets told off too!! He thought I was so cool he really made me smile.

These interactions help build who you are today. Everyone I meet I respect and love till they prove themselves unworthy of it, and that applies to everyone. If it's in an official capacity I abide by the rules and I don't change.

I am no longer able to be employed but that does not mean I don't work. I just work differently and I don't get paid for my work.

Yes I write poetry which I hope helps others on difficult days etc or to say thank you for what others have done for me.
Behind the scenes I talk to people because I have crazy view points on lots of things that others find funny and helpful dealing with their issues etc, or to try to bring balance to issues etc.

But, even for me, life lately has been very challenging - from being taken seriously ill (life threatening), to humiliation, to husband having accident, to bad customer services which left someone normally so positive as me feeling useless and worthless i.e on benefits with finances not stretching enough etc etc.

I am not useless or worthless.

I am a unwell, loving, caring human being who has feelings and emotions.

I am really fed up that people like me become the enemy because of mainstream media and political agenda.

My accident happened at end of my working shift.

In our situation one emergency can take 6 to 12 weeks to recover from financially. We have to take a deep breath and start long slog back again.

The media portrays us as scroungers, lazy good for nothing individuals. I am not saying that some are like that but most of us were hard working people before our circumstances changed.

I don't claim for anything extra i.e fuel costs, hospital travel, car tax etc etc. What we get pays everything we can off. Our car? Well that is required not a luxury as my mobility is very poor and my husband visits his ill mum every 2nd week and is on emergency standby 24/7. We are not the type of people to claim and get everything we can. We claim and take only what we need. The basics.

The "work" I do now would not be possible if I was still able to work full time because what I do can be called for anytime night or day.

Unlike medical professionals, I don't have time limits.. If it takes 10/15 minute or 4/5 hours of talking to someone to help them through then that's what happens.

I don't have all the answers to every question because my knowledge is based only on my own experiences,

Even more so since my accident and losing my job. I thought my life was over.. I thought "what can I do now?" luckily in 2008 I discovered poetry which was to become my new path.

Most of my "work" i.e poetry, talking to others, sharing my own story etc is how I help and give to society today.

A few years ago I was called "Benefit Scum". At the time it really hurt and enraged all the normal feeling of a loving, caring human being, and felt like being kicked in the teeth.

But it did make me look more closely at myself. Firstly were they right? After much thought the answer was No, I do not take take take and give nothing back.

I have offered talks to medical students, law students, police trainee’s etc. The fact they choose not to take me up on my offer is their loss sadly.

At 55 yrs old and unwell I would see myself as useless and  worthless because I am at the moment unable to make my own living.

Well nothing could be further from the truth! I have purpose! I have hope! and... I have a dream!

All of thid because I have the most valuable ingredient of all..

I have LOVE.

May Thomson 2017

Aka Survivorsburg

Survivors Voices via @WeAreOneInFour #childabuse #survivors

It is estimated that One in Four adults has experienced child sexual abuse* (CSA). We are proud to announce the launch of Survivors’ Voices, which features the narratives of fourteen survivors with an analysis of the findings. There is also a supplement with eight further narratives. Most survivors mentioned that they had seen many professionals before they received the help they needed. An important outcome from this project has been the development of a pocket guide for professionals, partners families and friends.

For too long child sexual abuse (CSA) has been unrecognised or not fully understood, now One in Four has given survivors an opportunity to tell the world of the impact childhood sexual abuse has had on their adult lives.Survivors’ Voices is an important REPORT that brings together the narratives of women and men who have survived abuse in the family environment, which accounts for 70 percent of CSA.

Written in their own words, Survivors’ Voices is a powerful testament to the devastation of CSA and its impact, not only on the individual, but also to those around them and wider society.

Survivors’ Voices includes an analysis of the themes that emerge from the narratives. A strong commonality between the narratives is length of time it has taken to find appropriate professional help and counselling. As a result of this One in Four has produced a pocket guide for professionals.

Survivors’ Voices is available to view or download HERE.

Follow OneInFour on Twitter @WeAreOneInFour

http://www.oneinfour.org.uk/

Child sex abuse victims' vulnerability must not be barrier to justice

Vulnerability among child sex abuse victims should no longer be a barrier to justice, the director of public prosecutions, Keir Starmer QC, has declared as he unveiled new guidelines for handling cases.

Victims will in future be told that other complaints have been made against suspects "to strengthen their resolve to continue with the criminal process".

Detectives and prosecutors will also be reminded that "reluctance to co-operate with those in authority, failure to report allegations of abuse swiftly" and providing inconsistent accounts are not uncommon patterns of behaviour for child sex abuse victims.

The new guidelines are a joint response by the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) and police to the investigation into Jimmy Savile and a series of high-profile child sex grooming cases.

"Vulnerability can no longer be a barrier to justice and I want to see prosecutors actively challenging any misconceptions a jury might have," Starmer announced.

Chief Constable Dave Whatton, the police's leading officer on violence and public protection, said: "This consultation is a moment to reflect on how we can deliver the best for victims of child sexual abuse."

The CPS currently takes to court between 4,000 and 5,000 cases of child sex abuse a year. Around 75% result in convictions.

The new guidelines could result in a flood of new cases entering the criminal justice system. A joint police/CPS panel has been established to consider complaints about past cases where either prosecutors or detectives declined to continue with investigations. The panel is already looking at claims by four individuals.

The new CPS guidelines will require all child sex abuse cases to be dealt with by specialists in rape and serious sexual offences. There will be earlier consultation on cases between the police and CPS.

Victims will be given more support. "There is no bar to a victim seeking pre-trial therapy or counselling and neither police nor prosecutors should prevent therapy taking place prior to a trial," the guidelines state.

On informing victims about suspects, they say: "There is no rule which prevents victims being told that they are not the only ones to have made a complaint of abuse.

"Victims can be told that the suspect has been the subject of complaints by others. Doing so may strengthen their resolve to continue their engagement with the criminal process. But this should usually only be done after the victim's account has been given, and details of other allegations should not be disclosed."

Source 

Live Your Life, Be Free.. #childabuse #survivors

We live and through doing so, we learn. 

Learnt behaviour has been playing on my mind. Behaviour learnt both in childhood as well as in adulthood. 

As victims of childhood sexual crimes we were invariably conditioned to believe the abuser/s. Our innocence was ripped from us along with trust and the chance of a normal childhood.

Many victims of childhood sexual abuse become trapped within a cycle later in their lives. Abusive relationships become the norm, whatever form the later abuse takes. The victim only knows abuse and so ends up in adult relationships within which they are again abused. This may be down to a feeling of being unworthy of a healthy, nurturing adult relationship. 

I know that this was true in my own case. I felt dirty and unworthy of happiness. I sought out damaging relationships. Subconsciously maybe, but seek them I did. 

With that most amazing of things called hindsight I can see an obvious pattern. If I wasn't in an abusive relationship I punished myself in other ways. To be honest I also punished myself whilst in the relationships. 

The conditioned "fact" that I was lower than the low permeated every aspect of my life. What a blind fool I was.

The past few years have had several highs and corresponding lows. Disclosure is both freeing but can leave one feeling vulnerable and exposed. It is worth it though. I'm not saying it's easy because it isn't. One day you will reach a point where a realisation dawns on you.

YOU are worthy.  Try reading this list out loud to yourself..

1 - I will not be disrespected
2 - If I am not a priority then walk away from me.
3 - I am worthy and deserve to be treated well.
4 - Treat me badly and watch me walk away.
5 - I can appreciate that we all have problems to deal with.
6 - Good manners cost nothing.
7 - I am stronger than I thought I was.
8 - I am worthy of respectful love.
9 - Mess with me and I'll chew your head off.
10 - I think I'm very awesome.

You may be a victim of crime, but as you have got this far you are in truth the victor! You survived. You lived. You are here today to tell your own truth. You DO NOT deserve second best. 

Stand tall, stand proud and rid yourself of those that do not support you, those that blame you, those that enjoy your pain, those that doubt you and those that treat you as a second class person. 

Embrace those that truly support you, that stand with you. Some would take a bullet for you, they are most definitely worth hanging onto at all costs.

YOU are not dirty. YOU are worthy. YOU deserve a happy and fulfilling life, no matter what age you are. 

Speak your truth. Speak your mind. Be open to others that are open and honest with you. 

There may be bumpy roads ahead, but if you hold firm to the truth and value yourself, then the bumps will be worth it. 

You're not a victim, you are a survivor, you have been victorious.  Your enjoyment of life will be the best slap in the face of those that doubted you, those that hurt you, that you could ever hope for.

Life is for living, not for grieving. 

Take chances. Believe not only in yourself but also that you are worthy of lifes treasures. 

Be happy. Break the ties that bind you!!!

The Joys Of Living.. #childabuse #survivor

Most of my life has been spent bouncing off one wall or another. Never sure of what I wanted or what my role in this existence was. No surprise with hindsight considering the D.I.D I suppose. I wanted to do several things, but the trouble was I seemed to want them at the same time. Part of me also got bored very easily and didn’t want what I thought I wanted. Makes sense? No? Try living it.

My indecisiveness, obsessiveness and "mood swings" probably made a lot of people unhappy, or just plain angry... I am deeply sorry if that was the case.

Mine was/is a mental illness born out of a primeval need to survive. The term mental illness scares a lot of people, in others the sufferer is seen as an object of ridicule and derision. My mind fractured in order to preserve the whole. By becoming many, as in a herd, if a few were lost or damaged the main herd survived.

Thanks to some amazing therapists and the love and unflinching support of my family I can now live an almost "normal" life. Getting to know other survivors has also been a life changing experience. Knowing that I was not alone; that I wasn't to blame strengthened my resolve.

There is life after abuse, maybe not always perfect, but whose life is..

Becoming Beyond Survivor has not been easy, but it's a place and person I'm very proud to be. I cannot change or undo what was done to me, but I can put it into perspective most of the time now. By into perspective I mean in the past.

There are still those who share a tie of blood with me that wish me ill, that still cause grief when they can. Those people don't matter to me,, they are of no consequence.

The demons that I have lived with have left their mark, but they rarely bother me now. When they do I have the knowledge, the power and the tools to deal with them.

So often in the past I hated being alive, dreading each day. Being in the dark about what was "wrong" made it much worse. I hated who I was, eventually risking my own health with my behavior and piling on weight in order to protect myself.

Eighteen years ago I collapsed at work, in agony with back pain. I was eventually diagnosed with spina bifida occulta. At the time I was working two jobs and living a very busy life.

In my twenties I took care of myself, kept myself fit and trim. After the diagnosis at twenty eight I sort of fell to pieces. Back then I was unaware of the D.I.D etc, but with hindsight I can see I was also mentally all over the place. My weight almost doubled over a year or two; I drank heavily and generally didn't care. I became deeply depressed, suicidal, and was prescribed Prozac and after that caused bad reactions sleeping pills and other antidepressants.

I've always known that I'd been abused as a child, a few memories not hidden by my sub conscience. The childhood abuse went on for over a decade. The memory of a later rape in my mid teens came back to me in my late twenties but I tried to downplay it.

I didn't know until my early forties the extent of the abuse. By that time my health was a disaster area, my weight was still very unhealthy and I still drank too much. Today I'm on a diet. I don't drink much and I've started exercising.

 My mental health has improved beyond recognition so it's now time to get the rest of me sorted.

Oh... And I'm writing again!

I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I'm a male survivor! Today I thrive.

I want to live. I want to be healthy. I deserve to.

Coping Mechanisms #childabuse #survivors

The coping mechanisms you used as a child helped you function during the times you were being abused. Even though these coping mechanisms were functional at the time, many are no longer constructive in present life situations. As an adult you have more options than you did as a child. You are now able to identify coping mechanisms/patterns of behaviour which are less constructive and/or self destructive and substitute others which will help you cope better in your current life.

 Here are coping mechanisms by type:

• Adaptive mechanisms: That offer positive help.
• Attack mechanisms: That push discomfort onto others.
• Avoidance mechanisms: That avoid the issue.
• Behavioral mechanisms: That change what we do.
• Cognitive mechanisms: That change what we think.
• Conversion mechanisms: That change one thing into another.
• Defense mechanisms: Freud's original set.
• Self-harm mechanisms: That hurt our selves.

Here is a full list of coping mechanisms:

• Acting out: not coping - giving in to the pressure to misbehave.
• Adaptation: The human ability to adapt.
• Aim inhibition: lowering sights to what seems more achievable.
• Altruism: Helping others to help self.
• Attack: trying to beat down that which is threatening you.
• Avoidance: mentally or physically avoiding something that causes distress.
• Compartmentalization: separating conflicting thoughts into separated compartments.
• Compensation: making up for a weakness in one area by gain strength in another.
• Conversion: subconscious conversion of stress into physical symptoms.
• Crying: Tears of release and seeking comfort.
• Denial: refusing to acknowledge that an event has occurred.
• Displacement: shifting of intended action to a safer target.
• Dissociation: separating oneself from parts of your life.
• Emotionality: Outbursts and extreme emotion.
• Fantasy: escaping reality into a world of possibility.
• Help-rejecting complaining: Ask for help then reject it.
• Idealization: playing up the good points and ignoring limitations of things desired.
• Identification: copying others to take on their characteristics.
• Intellectualization: avoiding emotion by focusing on facts and logic.
• Introjection: Bringing things from the outer world into the inner world.
• Passive aggression: avoiding refusal by passive avoidance.
• Performing rituals: Patterns that delay.
• Post-traumatic growth: Using the energy of trauma for good.
• Projection: seeing your own unwanted feelings in other people.
• Provocation: Get others to act so you can retaliate.
• Rationalization: creating logical reasons for bad behavior.
• Reaction Formation: avoiding something by taking a polar opposite position.
• Regression: returning to a child state to avoid problems.
• Repression: subconsciously hiding uncomfortable thoughts.
• Self-harming: physically damaging the body.
• Somatization: psychological problems turned into physical symptoms.
• Sublimation: channeling psychic energy into acceptable activities.
• Substitution: Replacing one thing with another.
• Suppression: consciously holding back unwanted urges.
• Symbolization: turning unwanted thoughts into metaphoric symbols.
• Trivializing: Making small what is really something big.
• Undoing: actions that psychologically 'undo' wrongdoings for the wrongdoer.

More information on the above lists can be found at Changing Minds 

Other unconscious coping strategies can include the way our minds deal with a constant barrage of stress. People in the psychiatric field suggest that mental illnesses tend to be coping mechanisms that evolve from certain stresses. For example, multiple personality disorder may result in children who are severely abused. Panic disorder may be the body’s coping mechanisms for inappropriate fight/flight reactions to minor stresses. Some mental illnesses also have a genetic basis, but stress certainly often plays a role in making these illnesses more severe. 

We also learn coping mechanisms as we progress through life. Some people tend toward coping mechanisms that are helpful, while others choose defense mechanisms that can actually increase stress. The person who uses stress as a reason to exercise is learning and expressing a healthy coping mechanism. The person who turns to alcohol or drugs, eating disorders, or workaholic behavior is using coping mechanisms that are both dangerous and unhealthy.

Both children and adults can benefit from learning coping mechanisms from mental health professionals, especially when they are suffering from mental illness, or have turned to unhealthy forms of dealing with stress. In this sense, coping mechanisms are a set of practiced and learned behaviors that help us better respond to stress. We may not always be able to control the amount of adrenaline that pumps through our bodies in stressful situations, but many therapists believe we can learn to control our reaction to it.

Many times, people who experience high “fight/flight” reactions actually amp up their own stress by their coping mechanisms, creating more adrenaline boost than is needed. Learning to recognize the body’s tendency toward these highly charged states and altering behavior accordingly can reduce the length of time a person stays in the charged state, and reduce the body’s continued need to produce adrenaline to cope with danger that does not really exist. Coping mechanisms in the therapeutic sense can involve meditation, cognitive behavioral therapy, and recognition of the body’s inappropriate response to stress. These are only a few of the coping mechanisms that can be learned through therapy. They can result in fewer incidences of panic, inappropriate anger, or turning to unhelpful behaviors like using alcohol to dull stress.

People who have developed mental illness as a coping strategy benefit by learning therapeutic coping mechanisms, and by taking medication that can help reduce the symptoms of mental illness. A schizophrenic who hallucinates may be aided by the coping mechanisms provided by anti-psychotic drugs. Anti-anxiety medications can assist the person with frequent panic attacks. The gold standard in treating inappropriate coping mechanisms is to gradually replace these with therapy and medication that can help reduce inappropriate coping responses.

Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is a talking therapy that can help you manage your problems by changing the way you think and behave.

CBT cannot remove your problems, but can help you manage them in a more positive way. It encourages you to examine how your actions can affect how you think and feel. CBT is very useful in helping learn new and beneficial coping mechanisms.

In a relatively short time you can unlearn negative or unhealthy coping mechanisms and replace them with constructive, healthy and appropriate ones. 

Looking Back and Moving Forward via @26PeacockLady #sexualabuse #survivors

Please meet my friend from Twitter @26PeacockLady

Looking Back and Moving Forward 

In honour of my mom, friends and Inspector Nick Lisi.

The Issue of sexual abuse is a community responsibility and no single agency can do the work in isolation. It takes a co-ordinated effort between many different agencies and support systems to effectively assist an individual who has been abused.  Professionals who work in the field have an obligation to the individual to provide service in an ethical manner so as too not re-victimize the individual.

The relationship between the victim and the police officer is paramount in preventing re-victimization. It can also be a catalyst for self reflection and personal growth.  The relationship needs to be fluid and dynamic with the goal to promote healing for the individual.

This paper will then be a personal exploration of my experience with the Durham Police Department as I close the final chapter of my abuse story. While this paper is about my experience, I believe that it shares elements which are common to victims/survivors. Also, it shares some elements which are specific to myself. Each person’s experience of trauma is unique. Each step to their story is individual. However, closure occurs when the individual and the environment are safe to do so. Safety is individualistic to the person. For example, my opening paragraph deals with the process I took in making my decision to charge my offender. This paper will also focus on my feelings, thoughts and insights, responding intervention by the police officer and my comments as to the effectiveness of the intervention.  The conclusion will have recommendations for both the individual and the police department.

It is hard to say when I decided to press charges against my offender. I believe it was a process that began when I received my decision from the Criminal Injuries Compensation Board. At last I felt validated for the years of horror and abuse that I had suffered from my offender.  The committee told me that it was my right to prosecute him for what he had done. Still taking an action that would eventually send a person to jail is hard. I needed time to think about this and I felt safe to do so as he was out of the province. The committee apologized on behalf of society for not keeping me safe from him. This statement had a powerful impact on me and I was moved to tears when I received their final decision in the mail.

As I reflected on my life since the divorce, I realized that I was still frightened of my ex-husband. I felt this fear was hindering me form being the person that I wanted to be. I began counseling with my minister to explore ways to resolving the fear and taking back my life by holding him accountable for his behavior.  She helped me to explore my issues regarding charging him. Even though, I knew that effective treatment for offenders involved a term in prison, it was still a hard decision to make.

My minister accompanied me to my first interview. Andrea DeWitt, a police officer who had expertise with sexual abuse issues met with us. We were taken to a quiet office and I briefly described my reasons for coming to the police station. I explained that I was finally able to gather the courage to come forward and tell the police what had happened to me. She immediately validated me for reporting my abuse, completed the preliminary information for the file and explained the process for my case.

Later, while thinking of my offender’s methods of assault and grooming process caused me to be triggered. I felt that I did not have time for such nonsense thank you very much but I had my life to live. Finally, I decided to process the triggering information using various stress techniques that I had developed to assist me. I was surprised that I was able to employ them as it had been more than eight years since I had been triggered with such intensity.

The next step involved my cause being assigned to a police officer who was Detective Nick Lisi. He was trained in sexual abuse issues and had expertise with rape cases. We spoke on several occasions with respect to my file to determine if my ex-husband could be charged with sexual assault. The first step in the investigation required me to give a statement.

I choose to go to the police station to do this. This was important as it allowed me to be in charge of the process. I felt it was my responsibility to take an active role in the investigation. My first attempt at giving my statement was difficult. I was taken to a small interviewing room to give my statement. Detective Lisi told me that my statement would be video and audio tapped. I was very nervous about the process which made it difficult for me to tell the private details of my assaults to a stranger, whom I had just met. The video tapping was a further trigger for my abuse. Detective Lisi tried to put me at ease so that I could give my statement but at this point I was too scared to speak. Wisely, he realized that I was having too much difficulty and shut off the equipment. We went to a quiet room which helped to put me at ease. I gave him a number of medical and legal documents which would support my abuse. We spoke for a few minutes and reviewed the information that he needed me to write. The method he chose is a three-part process called a gradual method of facts. Step one deal’s with dates, place and times. Step two involves relationship details and the final step was to include details of the offences. He asked me to write about my abuse starting from the year I was married and describe any details that I remembered regarding my abuse. He further added that we could stop the process at any point if I found it too difficult. This discussion allowed me to regain my composure and self respect. I was relieved to know that I was not being judged and that there were other methods of giving my statement. In retrospect, it would have been more beneficial for me to explain to Detective Lisi that I had been triggered and that I needed to wait a few weeks before I made a statement. I set out to work on the project at my own pace and in the quiet of my home. Approximately, a week after my interview, Detective Lisi contacted me to discuss my case and during the conversation he explained that he believed me. This was a crucial step as it validated my experience. Subsequent conversations started out with him always first validating me before we discussed the file. Gradually, I was able to trust his judgment and started to talk of my abuse. It also helped me to feel comfortable as I continued to complete my statement. While I was writing my statement, I decided to set two goals for myself. The first goal was to work through the experience of charging my ex-husband. This was important because I had been traumatized and silenced so effectively that I was terrified to go to the police when I was married. Secondly, I choose to work with a male officer to work through some aspects of my abuse. I knew that I could ask for a female officer but I felt that it would be more beneficial for me to work with a male police officer. I felt that if a male police officer believed me and acknowledged that the abuse I had suffered was not acceptable, this would allow me to re-process a portion of my abuse which aided in my healing.  Writing the first statement was a cathartic experience for me. I knew that the body has a natural way of protecting itself and would only allow the trauma to return when it was safe to do so. I knew that personal growth comes from walking through the pain and emerging a stronger person. Finally, I felt safe to be able to process what I felt was the final stage of my healing and to bring about closure to my abuse story. I realized that I was experiencing various levels of awareness which made many connections from my abuse to my present life. Once my statement was completed, I arranged for Detective Lisi to come to my house to pick it up. He returned the documents that I had given him and we talked further about my file. At this point he indicated that he would go at a slow pace as he wanted to take care that I was not re-victimized by the process. He asked sensitive questions in a respectful manner.  These questions were valuable as they allowed me to examine myself in a meaningful manner. Detective Lisi explained that he felt he owed it to me to do a good job. This was a moving experience for me as I felt honoured. This was further validation of my experience.  I felt that setting the pacing and timing of the questions and so forth was a reflection of the ethics and integrity of Detective Lisi. We had further conversations in which Detective Lisi asked me to confirm specific details for him which included things such as addresses, telephone numbers and so forth. I was still being triggered from the questions and decided to purchase a day timer which would help me. I wrote down questions that I had and information that he required. I used the book to record any further details that I happened to remember.

Detective Lisi and I again met at the police station to sign various police consent forms. I noticed that he was wearing a gun and explained that it made me nervous.  He heard my concern and addressed it as best he could, considering policing policy. Detective Lisi explained the documents to me before I signed them and then briefly described the types of charges. More questions were asked. Detective Lisi seemed to know intuitively that I was being triggered and would modify or change the question. He also wrote a list of information that he needed. After this was done, we talked about going to the houses I had lived in to take pictures for evidence. Next he asked my consent to go to the houses and to ride in the police car. I gave my approval to each question. This was important to me because it was an example of respect and recognition that I had been violated by my offender. As we were leaving the station, he reassured me that we could stop at any time I felt it was too difficult.  This prompted me to voice my anxiety about visiting my home in Cherrywood as it was where most of the horrific violence had occurred.  Detective Lisi choose a gradual integration process to town and then residence, which was an effective tool as the transition was more comforting so I did not feel   traumatized. He knew that I attended the church in Whitevale and so this was the first house that we would visit and then go on to the house in Cherrywood. He stopped to buy me a coffee and then we proceeded to the houses. We had a general conversation which helped to put me at ease. This was significant as it allowed me to be in charge of my experience and ensured that I would not be re-victimized. A well known theory concerning sexual abuse mentions taking the “child within” back to the abusive scenario and then describing the journey into the future where one can view the scenario in a different perspective. This was my experience in returning to the scene of my assaults. I felt more in charge of my situation.

I was given one last task  to write a statement of consent. This statement of consent is used as the first line of defense that lawyers use to defend their client.  The first line of defense addressed the credibility issues of his word against hers or he said — she said. I felt that I needed to do some research on this issue and reviewed documents that I had acquired from the sexual assault centre in Newmarket, Ontario. I started my statement of consent by using the definition of consent from Webster’s Dictionary.  I choose to emphasize my points by ending each act by saying NO, I did not consent to the act.  I ended the document with a powerful statement saying that I had handled the assaults correctly that I had to make life and death decisions in an instant and that my survival was evidence that I had handled the assaults correctly! This document served to solidify my experience. I was able to reflect on what had happened to me during the time I was married. I was able to integrate the experience, to make sense of it and to put it into context within my life. I began to develop a deeper sense of awareness about what had happened to me, how I must have felt being dragged across the floor knowing that what proceeded next involved me being sexually assaulted. I realized the horror I must have felt.  Remembering that I had the skills to deal with these feelings and that I was in charge of what I was remembering, helped me to further integrate all of the experiences connected with these feelings and memories. I noticed some further changes in myself as I continued to take back my life. I needed to contact the Victim and Witness Program for support. This was an interesting experience because I had difficulty using the word victim to identify myself. I had a five minute conversation with the staff person before I was able to say that I was a victim.

This last document of consent was  given to Detective Lisi. At this point, I met his partner Detective Constable D’Amico whose was receiving training in skills augmentation. I learned that both officers had questions for me regarding my file. Detective Constable D’Amico made me a tea before we proceeded with the questions. Careful attention was paid to my responses and when it was evident that I was being triggered, Detective Lisi intervened and changed the focus.  At this point, I reiterated my fear and anxiety involving my offender; they reassured me that I would be physically safe. Both officers discussed the legal aspects that were available to keep me safe. The last step involved the method that the officers would use to lay the charges. At the end of this process, I felt an incredible sense of support and validation for my experience. I felt further empowered and that a richness had been brought the experience through the relationship between the officers and myself.  In conclusion, there were many elements which came together to ensure that I was not re-victimized.

Recommendations:

1) One officer handling the case provided continuity of information so I did not have to repeat my story to a number of strangers.

2) Validation of my experience – Saying I believe you

3) Setting the pacing and timing of the questioning, listening to my responses and observing for signs of being triggered/traumatized.  Collection of information for the file.

4) Using skills to collect the information that did not traumatize such as gradual integration

5) Respect for my experience and boundaries

6) Creating a safe and comfortable environment

7) Asking questions that were thought provoking – assisted with reflections and self growth.

I’m glad now that I had this experience. I know that this was the right thing to do and I am no longer afraid of my offender. I feel at peace and I have gained new insights which will help me in the present and will help me in the future.

Find more HERE  Survivors And Heroes

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Child Abuse, a survivor's story - video documentary #childabuse #survivors

 Real stories featured, told by actors, about the abuse adults suffered as a child, and the consequences for them in adulthood.

Sorry for the sound problems at NAPAC. A charity I spent some time with, and saw how hard they worked, and how they just cant help everyone, as much as they would like to, just due to that many people abused.

If any of the issues affect you, please do not hesitate to call NAPAC.
 
www.napac.org.uk 
 
08000853330

 

Female Sexual Abuse Of Children #childabuse