Today is a ruddy great big hunk of granite......
It's funny that over the last 2-3 weeks I have felt more part of "life" than I have in a long time. My writing and sharing via the blog and twitter has been a catheter to the build up of bad memories inside me. I have an avenue to vent my feelings and shatter my secrets. Yes I have told my secrets to the wind and they are being carried around the world. It is an awesome feeling.
Today though I am feeling flat, cold and empty. I want to reach out but cannot. I want to share but cannot. I think I will go for a walk, maybe fresh air will clear away the cobwebs today.
Last night was another without a lot of sleep. I started to write another piece, pictures were so clear in my mind. Then I froze.
Some Days Are Diamonds, Some Days Are Stones by Julie Andrews was playing in my head. I haven't heard the song for a very long time. It was playing in the room when I was raped at 16 yrs. I remembered the feeling so vividly, my body tensed and my mind shouted NO.
I am trying to get the feelings out and put them into words, to cast them from the dark corners that they have been hiding.
Who can we trust? Who can we turn to? Where do we go from here?
In all my adult life I had only spoken to maybe 2 other survivors of abuse and then I didn't share very much. I just couldn't. Now it would seem that survivors are everywhere. That in itself is not a bad thing, but what is bad is that means for every survivor there is at least one abuser/rapist. In my case I am now remembering No 6.
What sort of world do we live in where the abuse of innocents is so prevalent? This abuse is mostly an "uncomfortable" subject of discussion so is not fully reported or documented. The media will report the more sensational cases, but what about the thousands more that are out there. The silent sufferers?
When my journey into healing began all I wanted was to be "normal". Well normal is what normal does I suppose. I want healing, I want to be able to stand proud as the man I am and make people listen.
No more hiding in the shadows, keeping silent. No more keeping promises to the abusers of not telling. No more being frightened that they will come and get us if we speak out.
It is time to SHOUT it out, to make the world listen and for the bastards and bitches that ruined our lives to be made to pay the price. The would be abusers and rapists need to know that they will NOT get away with it.
We are the innocent, they are the guilty.
This started as a lost feeling post and I have turned it into a rant. I needed that.
Rant over.
6 comments:
Dude, nowadays, who can you trust?
We're not the only people worrying about that. You don't have to have our experiences to be suspicious of everyone around you.
Money, greed and jealousy turns people into vultures. Who can you trust? Yourself.
A stranger at a bar that gives you a quick word of advice you can trust.
I admire your spirit. You are a true warrior!
Brilliant rant!! Spoken for us all-well done! {}{}{}{} stand together.
@sheepfoldcarer
It doesn't come over as a rant - more as an honest account of how you feel and what you are fighting against. You are helping not only yourself but countless others here.
I don't see the post as a rant either. It feels like a journey to me.
You are not guilty and I think the people who are guilty, are the ones that over time will lose the most.
Who to trust? Trust your heart/instincts, I find that the best guide.
Thank you for your comments. Maybe I should really let rip and have a BIG rant! Watch this space. Jan
Welshcakes, you have always been a diamond shining through my piles of coal!
Post a Comment