All you need is LOVE by @survivorsburg #loveisall

Another gem from my very good friend May Thomson.

May has helped me through some very rough times and I can safely say I would not be here today if not for her kindness and strength of character. She is a true superstar.

Before I got sick

In my last job, before I got sick, I was a steward/security officer and stewarded rugby matches, football matches, security of property etc and some big gigs all over Britain.

I have met a lot of people from all over the world, folk like myself, others rich and famous, all walks of life including two royal gigs at Edinburgh and London - amazing experiences all of them!

One constant I always had in my work life, no matter if you the boss or my colleagues customers, all get treated the same and it applies to the rule set too:- i.e rules for each gig different e.g doing stage door if no pass I not care who you say you are not getting in, ask the drummer of Status Quo!Rick Parfitt had to come to his rescue at usher hall lol lol.

I was not superviser management, just a steward or so I thought.

Sadly we had a family loss and I was off work quite a while with the adjustments etc. On my return to one of regular football venues I had the most uplifting joyous experiences I could ever wish for.

A young supporter of the team I was stewarding for, his grandfather and his dad, wow he was a short little boy. I thought he was about 7 yrs old but then discovered he was 11. In my first week back at work this little boys granddad spotted me first he nudged his grandson gesturing to look up which this little boy did his face lit up with such joy let go his granddads hand and came running to me saying "your back!your back! I am so glad your back!" ( choke) with a huge hug.

Before this I had spoken to little boy a couple of times and knew his granddad brought him in as his dad not in till later as he was a landlord.
I asked the little chap why are you so happy that I am back? He said "Because I like you! You are always nice and you smile at me when I come in", wow that blew me away.

Till that day I thought I was just an average steward but that taught me so much. Yes I was one small part of a very large team but even my small contribution of carrying out my job correctly for the company I worked for to the best of my abitlies made an impact to the customers I served too.

This venue was also where young fans copied heroes,  national football star putting feet on back of seats etc. The Scotland team got told same as the supporters coming down. One little boy said "Do you know who you just told off misses?" No, I replied.  He said the players name and that he was a Scotland player. I told him yes well he's no different to you in these seats! So he gets told off too!! He thought I was so cool he really made me smile.

These interactions help build who you are today. Everyone I meet I respect and love till they prove themselves unworthy of it, and that applies to everyone. If it's in an official capacity I abide by the rules and I don't change.

I am no longer able to be employed but that does not mean I don't work. I just work differently and I don't get paid for my work.

Yes I write poetry which I hope helps others on difficult days etc or to say thank you for what others have done for me.
Behind the scenes I talk to people because I have crazy view points on lots of things that others find funny and helpful dealing with their issues etc, or to try to bring balance to issues etc.

But, even for me, life lately has been very challenging - from being taken seriously ill (life threatening), to humiliation, to husband having accident, to bad customer services which left someone normally so positive as me feeling useless and worthless i.e on benefits with finances not stretching enough etc etc.

I am not useless or worthless.

I am a unwell, loving, caring human being who has feelings and emotions.

I am really fed up that people like me become the enemy because of mainstream media and political agenda.

My accident happened at end of my working shift.

In our situation one emergency can take 6 to 12 weeks to recover from financially. We have to take a deep breath and start long slog back again.

The media portrays us as scroungers, lazy good for nothing individuals. I am not saying that some are like that but most of us were hard working people before our circumstances changed.

I don't claim for anything extra i.e fuel costs, hospital travel, car tax etc etc. What we get pays everything we can off. Our car? Well that is required not a luxury as my mobility is very poor and my husband visits his ill mum every 2nd week and is on emergency standby 24/7. We are not the type of people to claim and get everything we can. We claim and take only what we need. The basics.

The "work" I do now would not be possible if I was still able to work full time because what I do can be called for anytime night or day.

Unlike medical professionals, I don't have time limits.. If it takes 10/15 minute or 4/5 hours of talking to someone to help them through then that's what happens.

I don't have all the answers to every question because my knowledge is based only on my own experiences,

Even more so since my accident and losing my job. I thought my life was over.. I thought "what can I do now?" luckily in 2008 I discovered poetry which was to become my new path.

Most of my "work" i.e poetry, talking to others, sharing my own story etc is how I help and give to society today.

A few years ago I was called "Benefit Scum". At the time it really hurt and enraged all the normal feeling of a loving, caring human being, and felt like being kicked in the teeth.

But it did make me look more closely at myself. Firstly were they right? After much thought the answer was No, I do not take take take and give nothing back.

I have offered talks to medical students, law students, police trainee’s etc. The fact they choose not to take me up on my offer is their loss sadly.

At 55 yrs old and unwell I would see myself as useless and  worthless because I am at the moment unable to make my own living.

Well nothing could be further from the truth! I have purpose! I have hope! and... I have a dream!

All of thid because I have the most valuable ingredient of all..

I have LOVE.

May Thomson 2017

Aka Survivorsburg

Perfectly Broken #mentalhealth #life #WorldMentalHealthDay

Define perfection for me...

I am far from perfect, in fact I would say I am quite imperfect in most ways.

  

I don't have an ego, let alone a big one most of the time. I am simply everything... I use the word ego loosely. I have self worth so therefore have a sense of ego. It is rarely, but can be, over inflated. Learning to accept that "I" was enough took a long time, even if I was the only one who thought so. 

I have fought to stand up for myself in this imperfect little world. I have learnt that I do have some value despite the efforts of so many in the past to totally erase any such thoughts. Having some realisation of self worth is important. I am a stubborn bull too.. I have taken a long time to use my voice and I am not easily silenced these days. Truth be told, I am far more dangerous when forced into silence than if I am allowed to express myself. If I feel slighted or aggrieved it is far better to hear me out than to let my volcanic juices simmer into boiling point. I am fair, I am kind, I will listen to others points of view. With regards my stubborn bull, you have to remember that I have fought hard to become who I am. I may well often be wrong but I retain the right to express my opinion and to be heard. In circumstances where I feel I am being ignored or squashed I will eventually explode and quite possibly cut off my own nose to spite my face. This is a fault of mine. It all comes down to priorities.

I have never claimed sanity amongst the few values I do attribute to myself. Sanity is purely a state of mind and that state has different levels of socially acceptable norm in different cultures.  I am broken, however that has made me stronger and possibly even better than I would have been. This reminds me of the Japanese art of Kintsukori, which means "to repair with gold". It is the art of repairing pottery with gold or another precious metal and understanding that the piece is both more beautiful and valuable for having been broken.

I have many broken friends, and the broken in me bows to the broken in them.

I do believe in loyalty and standing by those that we love. At any cost. I believe that long term personal relationships (romantic love) should become before family and friends as long as the relationship is not suffocating or controlling. Again there will be differences in what each party will consider to be controlling behaviour and such should be worked out without confrontation and hopefully with give and take from both sides. I consider myself to be loyal and true, a good person. I know I have faults, many of them, but disloyalty or betrayal is not amongst them. Insecurity is something that I have always suffered with. I was so brow beaten into believing I would amount to nothing as a child and young adult. Some family members betrayed me and were disloyal to me. It caused a number of trust issues, many of which I have overcome. Many I have not. Some of my reactions to events might seem over the top to a lot of people, to me they make sense. I do not trust easily and if my trust is broken the consequences can be far reaching. One particular family member hounded me for most of my life. Karma has dealt with them. 

Being "broken" has it's up and downsides in the present day. Some things have made me more resilient whilst others have left me with people issues. I think I am a pretty good judge of character, I observe a great deal. I am slow to get to know new people and do sometimes even then make mistakes. I am human after all. I hate it when a reaction I may have which is quite normal to most people is seen or defined as "because of the past" or because I have insecurities. I hate being walked over, my worries and concerns ignored or put down to my being not quite right in the head. In love I need to be told often that I am important, that I am loved. I need my feelings to be considered and even if it means a sacrifice, I need that sacrifice to be performed. This is only ever over major issues, major to me anyway. 

I can put up with a lot of pain from people, I have a thick skin. The problem is that if I have let you through to my inner world and you then hurt me it will take a lot of effort from you to put that right. The inner me is gentle and easily hurt.  That does not mean I am weak. 

I believe in an eye for an eye. The exceptions are when no harm was intended. Again the act of what harms one might be something that would not harm another. If that is the case I believe in forgiveness. I would not expect that harm to be replicated in the future however. If you know something offends or harms someone you should do all possible to ensure that possible future instances of that harm is minimalised. Understanding that we are not all the same, that we all have different triggers and tastes will hopefully lead to a more stable and mutually beneficial state of being. Never underestimate me. 

I have experienced life on many levels. I have lived and have a lot more living to do.Life is a journey and we are not given a road map. We may, if lucky, be given pointers but for the most part we must work our own way through life. Many of us may be fortunate enough to meet someone who can walk with us, at whatever stage we are at. Someone who we can trust with our very being. Life is short, no matter what your belief in afterlife, rebirth, or returning to cosmic dust or electron particles. Make the most of it.

Complications #love #valentines

Complications

This world has turned
too complicated,
and we hardly seem able
to do things that matter
in simple, beautiful, ways.
There are a million customs,
thousands of possible rituals,
endless unfathomable mixtures
of customary practices,
merged, evolved, melded,
in infinitely complicated ways,
as chaotic patterns,
that defy proper response,
defy reasonable prediction
as to course of action.
The world has turned
too complicated
and we hardly seem able
to do things that matter
in simple, beautiful, ways,
and that is part of the reason
why it is so difficult
to find even on effective way
to say to a beloved other,
that one truly loves,
for it always seems lost
in the noise of it all,
among customary practices,
among a million rituals,
an endless compilation
of complications,
until it is the hardest thing
to find one effective way
to say to a beloved other,
that one truly loves,
the hardest thing to say
I love you, truly I love you,
and find one has response
that is simple, beautiful,
instead of all lost
in the endless dark abyss
of human culture
with its confrontations,
its meldings, mergings,
its confoundings,
its compoundings
of conflicted ways,
and what now do I do
to tell my beloved other
that I love you,
when a world turns
ever so complicated
that hardly anything is heard
and ever less is believed
of anything as can be said
in simple, beautiful ways?
My beloved, tell me,
what can I do,
what can I say,
how might I convince you
in simple, beautiful ways?

. 

Live Your Life, Be Free.. #childabuse #survivors

We live and through doing so, we learn. 

Learnt behaviour has been playing on my mind. Behaviour learnt both in childhood as well as in adulthood. 

As victims of childhood sexual crimes we were invariably conditioned to believe the abuser/s. Our innocence was ripped from us along with trust and the chance of a normal childhood.

Many victims of childhood sexual abuse become trapped within a cycle later in their lives. Abusive relationships become the norm, whatever form the later abuse takes. The victim only knows abuse and so ends up in adult relationships within which they are again abused. This may be down to a feeling of being unworthy of a healthy, nurturing adult relationship. 

I know that this was true in my own case. I felt dirty and unworthy of happiness. I sought out damaging relationships. Subconsciously maybe, but seek them I did. 

With that most amazing of things called hindsight I can see an obvious pattern. If I wasn't in an abusive relationship I punished myself in other ways. To be honest I also punished myself whilst in the relationships. 

The conditioned "fact" that I was lower than the low permeated every aspect of my life. What a blind fool I was.

The past few years have had several highs and corresponding lows. Disclosure is both freeing but can leave one feeling vulnerable and exposed. It is worth it though. I'm not saying it's easy because it isn't. One day you will reach a point where a realisation dawns on you.

YOU are worthy.  Try reading this list out loud to yourself..

1 - I will not be disrespected
2 - If I am not a priority then walk away from me.
3 - I am worthy and deserve to be treated well.
4 - Treat me badly and watch me walk away.
5 - I can appreciate that we all have problems to deal with.
6 - Good manners cost nothing.
7 - I am stronger than I thought I was.
8 - I am worthy of respectful love.
9 - Mess with me and I'll chew your head off.
10 - I think I'm very awesome.

You may be a victim of crime, but as you have got this far you are in truth the victor! You survived. You lived. You are here today to tell your own truth. You DO NOT deserve second best. 

Stand tall, stand proud and rid yourself of those that do not support you, those that blame you, those that enjoy your pain, those that doubt you and those that treat you as a second class person. 

Embrace those that truly support you, that stand with you. Some would take a bullet for you, they are most definitely worth hanging onto at all costs.

YOU are not dirty. YOU are worthy. YOU deserve a happy and fulfilling life, no matter what age you are. 

Speak your truth. Speak your mind. Be open to others that are open and honest with you. 

There may be bumpy roads ahead, but if you hold firm to the truth and value yourself, then the bumps will be worth it. 

You're not a victim, you are a survivor, you have been victorious.  Your enjoyment of life will be the best slap in the face of those that doubted you, those that hurt you, that you could ever hope for.

Life is for living, not for grieving. 

Take chances. Believe not only in yourself but also that you are worthy of lifes treasures. 

Be happy. Break the ties that bind you!!!

A Matter Of Trust #childabuse #survivors

Trust In Me..

Any new relationship, be it romantic or friendship, can be difficult for a survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse. 

I believe that as a child we have an automatic trust response to anything and everything around us. We are not really aware enough to know that people, animals or object could hurt us. We are hopefully taught by our own families what and who is safe. If they betray our inherent trust themselves then we are in trouble. The same applies to any person who is in a position of supposed trust over a child (teacher, nurse, doctor, family friends, scout master etc. etc.) 

An abusive childhood can frequently lead to dysfunctional adult relationships. Our learnt behaviors regarding trust infiltrating our love loves and friendships. Many are constantly on guard, expecting trust to be broken and because of this they are unable to truly express and feel love or friendship. 

I have been as guilty as any other in that respect. Thankfully I have learnt to spot this trait and do try and correct it before any, or too much, damage is done. I hope so anyway..

Along with trust must come faith. No, not the religious type. Faith in the humanity of others. Faith that our value will finally be recognised and cherished. Faith that right will prevail and that it is indeed safe to trust (and love) again. 

One of the hardest things I struggle with is silence from others. Silence feels like abandonment or suchlike. This is probably down to at least a modicum of paranoia.. Something else I am working on putting right. I am learning to apply the same faith myself. I think it all boils down to most of a lifetime of feeling unworthy, not being good enough, of being let down by those who were supposed to love and protect me.  There is also the fear that in giving someone space yourself that they might see it as not caring enough, or backing away. I must not listen to the devils whispering in my ears and simply have faith that I am not being misunderstood. 

This leads me to conclude that the problem is not trust, but mistrust. Being hurt by so many, conditions us to mistrust until trust is earned. Assume the worst then don't be disappointed when people behave as we expect them to. 

This is wrong, so very wrong. 

Our own mistrust can be a festering wound which infects others. Once we recognise this we can do something about it. Take the leap of faith, stop behaving as if the world is out to get you and simply trust that your trust is returned. I am.

Life is too short, too precious to waste it waiting for more bad things to happen. Put down your phone, turn off your computer. Go outside and walk in the sun. If something is meant to be, it will be. Have faith in yourself. You are worthy.

Some thoughts on this issue from other sources.

A recent comment got me thinking about trust issues that many survivors grow up with, and how this is one area where many, many survivors don’t live life to it’s full potential because of it.

Let me explain. As children we learned, early and often, that we couldn’t trust anyone. Even those closest to us might be the source of abuse, or at least may not believe us or see the warning signs, etc. The only one we could trust to help us was ourselves. This lesson stays with us, leading us to get involved with people who aren’t trustworthy, because after all don’t we know no one is really trustworthy? Then, because we are now involved in a relationship with someone who never deserved our trust, it is betrayed, and teaches us the lesson all over again.

Or, if we’re lucky enough to actually wind up with someone who is trustworthy, we spend most of the relationship suspecting them of not being trustworthy, which creates a very unhealthy relationship that falls apart, and which we use to also remain convinces that no one is worth investing our trust with.

Of course, like many things we learned in childhood, it’s not true. Sure, there are lots of people out there who aren’t trustworthy, and we should be aware to stay safe. There are also lots of people who are worthy of our trust, and who we might make real connections with (romantic and otherwise), if we could only learn how to trust. Also, imagine how much deeper those connections could be, and what kinds of great things we could be accomplishing with our time if it wasn’t spent worrying about what the other person is doing, or when they might hurt us? For myself, I couldn’t do the work I do, and see the people and places I get to see as part of that if I was spending the whole time worried about what my wife might be doing without me. My inability to trust would actually hurt me, in terms of having to pass up opportunities out of fear of getting hurt.

Of course, healing and coming to grips with trust issues is easier said than done. As I said, survivors learn early not to trust anyone, and use that mistrust to protect themselves. I do not honestly believe that we can heal by simply “trusting” anyone when we’ve never had any practice doing it. I believe the ability to trust comes from something deeper than that. I believe it comes from having the confidence in ourselves that we’ll be ok, no matter what. Simply put, as long as my well being is dependent on another person’s actions, I will always be at the mercy of that person, and being in that position makes it impossible to not worry about what might happen, and how I would survive it. It’s that worry that drains our ability to live and enjoy life.

No, don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating being cold, distant, and not ever allowing anyone to get close enough to hurt you. I am, however, advocating having enough of a sense of yourself that you can exist, and have a life, regardless of what another person may or may not do. For myself, if my wife decided she didn’t want to be married to me any longer, it would break my hurt. I would be devastated, but I also know that it wouldn’t have anything to do with my value as a human being.  I don’t believe you can truly be vulnerable in a relationship, and trusting someone else is absolutely about being vulnerable, if you don’t have the self worth to know that you can go on with life even if this relationship ended. If you don’t have that level of confidence in yourself, you’ll wind up wasting a lot of energy trying to control things, and protecting yourself. That doesn’t sound like a relationship worth staying it to me. It’s definitely not trust!

(From Child Abuse Survivor)

At the root of all trust issues is a past betrayal. Whether abused as a child or cheated on by a spouse, the betrayed person will go through life seeing herself/himself as less desirable than others, or believing herself to be unlovable. She will keep others at a distance, avoiding intimate relationships. Only by working through these trust issues – or, rather, lack of trust issues – can the person learn to maintain a healthy boundary while still letting others in.

The deepest issues stem from child abuse, whether sexual, physical or emotional. Sexual and physical abuse are easier to be aware of as an adult, but emotional abuse can cause even more psychological problems and trust issues in an adult abuse survivor. As children who were abused grow up, they may perceive that others will not love them for making mistakes or behaving in certain ways. They also might have a hard time saying “no” to people they care about and people in positions of authority.

All humans are born with a fundamental need to be loved and to love. When children don’t receive love, as adults they’ll feel a lack of self-worth, that their feelings don’t matter, that they lack personal power and that they are unlovable. With these thoughts can come an inability to trust others or their own gut feelings, or a pattern of continuing to trust the wrong people.

When an adult is in an intimate relationship and is betrayed by a partner – whether cheated on, abandoned or abused – she may internalize some of the same ideas as the abused child. She feels powerless, unlovable, and that she is responsible for the betrayal or deserved it. If, at this point, the adult doesn’t begin to realize that these internal beliefs are flawed and can hurt her just as much as the hurtful betrayal of another, she’ll go on to develop relationships with other abusers or to find inappropriate coping mechanisms such as addictions, perfectionism, misplaced anger or symptoms of physical illness such as high blood pressure or migraines. In any case, she may find herself unable to trust another person enough to form a truly intimate relationship.

To work through your trust issues, you need to recognize the source of the betrayal and the cause of your anger. If you’ve been wearing a mask of “I don’t care” or “I don’t need anyone,” it’s time to drop the mask and examine yourself. If the betrayal occurred in childhood or hurt you very deeply, it can be helpful to have a therapist or counselor advise you as you work through these issues.

After you dig up and acknowledge your real feelings, it’s time to understand and express them. Even in an otherwise healthy relationship, it’s easy to express your feelings the wrong way. For example, you may say, “You never come home when you say you will,” after your partner stays out too late. Remember that you’re responsible for your own feelings and actions, and you can’t control the other person’s behavior. Say instead something like, “I felt hurt and worried last night, and I don’t like feeling like that.” Focusing on your feelings instead of the other person’s behavior may help him to actually listen and hear you. If he does listen to you, you’ve both made a step towards resolving your trust issues. If, on the other hand, he refuses to listen to how you feel, you may want to reassess the relationship. Just the act of stating or owning your feelings is a step toward recovering trust.

Next, you need to examine your history of relationships. If you see a pattern of behavior, such as repeatedly choosing people who are verbally or physically abusive, you should consider changing both the behavior and your boundaries, two important factors in trust issues. Boundaries can be externally physical (like “your space” or “comfort zone”), sexual (you determine when, where, how and with whom you choose to be sexual), or internal and emotional (only you are in control of how you feel and what you think, and the same is true for others). You need to “say good-bye” to past abuses or betrayals after seeing how they’ve been affecting your life. It’s likely that you haven’t truly done that, even if you think you have. Then you can grieve for those memories you’ve put behind you. You’re giving up an old familiar way of thinking and acting, and that can be both difficult and painful. But it is a vital step in resolving your own trust issues.

Finally, use what you’ve learned about your feelings and your boundaries to establish relationships in which you assume responsibility for your feelings and actions, and the other person does the same. By healing past betrayals and taking responsibility for your adult-self, you can re-establish your ability to trust and overcome your trust issues.

Learning to trust: The way out of isolation is to communicate in relationships – find out what others are really thinking – not what we perceive they are thinking. Be accountable for thought obsessions and fantasy. Fear of betrayal isolates us and puts us in touch with pain and loss – but we need to cultivate healthy relationships with good boundaries, respect, communication and equality.

To re-store your reality means learning to trust yourself again. In trusting yourself you begin to trust others. The more you understand how CSA has affected you the better you will be able to see how this prevented you from listening to yourself. One you are no longer on red alert or in survival mode, you will be able to gauge what you feel and think. Then you can stop being influenced by the expectations of others. This will allow you to reject other people’s judgements of you and to develop your own judgement.

A useful way to restore trust in your intuition is to listen to your inner experience or gut instinct. Do not be forced to make any instant decisions and take time to reflect on what you truly think or feel. It is okay to say ‘I don’t know but I will get back to you’. Anyone who rushes you into instant answers or decisions is not respecting your right to reflect in your own time. If you have any doubts this means you are not sure and need to think about what is being said or requested. It is essential that you listen to your doubts and take them seriously. REMEMBER: Doubts are inner signals that you are not sure. You need to listen to them before making any decision.

Inner Wisdom…

The more you listen to yourself the more you will be able to develop your inner value system and inner wisdom. Using your inner wisdom will restore your trust in yourself rather than be influenced by others. This will help re-build your self esteem and help you to make positive choices that are right for you. Restoring trust in yourself allows you to become more self-reliant. This will reduce your dependency on others who may let you down or betray your trust. Also as you begin to trust yourself more, you will begin to trust others and trust in a better future.

(From: The Warrior Within)

A Time Of Reflection

I've been feeling contemplative over the last day or so. Looking back at old photos of myself it's obvious to me at which times I was at war with myself, when I was in pain and the few times when I was happy.  Then there are big gaps where I'd refuse to have my photo taken, or I'd destroy them.  The eyes reveal most and then the smile, or lack thereof.  I tended to smile with lips closed from late 20s onwards. I was conscious of my teeth being crooked and some missing. 

Many of the photos I have no recollection of being taken at all. My eyes haunt me in several.  I seem like a broken puppet. No control or spark of life in them at all. Now I know why.

I don't trust easily, I don't open up easily. I am wary of being used or hurt. Writing this blog took a huge leap of faith and a load of courage.

I have had to disassemble myself, to totally lose control of everything, before I could start to reassemble and in so doing take control of my own destiny. I'll never be who I should have been gad my life not been blighted. I think I'll be better, stronger and far more empathic. I will reach out and touch other lives with kindness and compassion. 

I also found more filled writing books. Scribbles, poems, stories, song ideas etc etc. I shall take a good look through those this holiday weekend. 

I have been chatting about dreams and the like with someone very close to me. I don't recall most, but some have repeated so often over the decades that I know them inside out. They normally repeat once or twice a year at most. This last fortnight I've been swamped by them.

I feel something in the air, some big event is going to happen in the next year or so. I know I've posted about changes etc recently, but this is something very different. This goes very very deep on all levels. 

My co-author has given me a deadline to get our book finished by too. I'm up for the challenge Donna! 

I don't do this as often as I should.. Thank you for following this humble blog and for taking the time to read, comment and then share its content on social media. 

Wishing you all a good holiday weekend, whichever path you walk. 

Change Is Coming

 

The past few weeks have been difficult. Health issues have been plaguing me and I always feel as if the world is wrong during the winter.

I have not really said much about myself on this blog for a long time. Not because I had something to hide or nothing to say, I just felt that I was less important than my subject matter. I have used my story in order to bring reality to the pain of abuse, to show that healing is more than possible, to try and encourage others to speak out.

I have also shared music, song and inspiration from other writers. I ripped myself open so that you could see what was inside, I exposed my pscyche but kept some doors shut. Some will open over time others will remain for my viewing only. Such is the nature of needing some privacy.

I realised this week that I have been unkind to myself. I have not been allowing myself to truly live and experience the joys and treasures that life holds. I doubted my worthiness for a long time. I have "real life" problems to work through, health issues to put right and big decisions to make.

Being bluntly honest with myself I realised that I have never lived for me. I was the boy for all tastes that became a man for all seasons. I lived in such a way that I thought was expected of me and frequently demanded of me.

Enough! This is my life and I intend to make some major changes and life decisions.

I have forgotten to apply the advice that I give to others, to my own situation.

My confidence shattered when I lost my businesses, other events kicked me in the stomach. I became a recluse, hiding from the light of life.

My own needs became at best secondary to those of others. The saying springs to mind - "I'm as good as you, as bad as I am" or something similar.

This blog is becoming a ramble, but it comes from the heart. Mine is a bit of a mess so it's no wonder really. I am far from perfect. I am like an old battered suitcase. I have character though and am not the evil fiend that some have painted me for revealing my past. I need to work on my self confidence, on my shyness and on my fear of the unknown.

Unless I take a risk I will never know. So take a risk I shall.  I have to do it on my own terms and at my own pace.

I am still working on the book that I am co-authoring with a survivor/therapist from Canada. We hope to break boundaries in the field of self help for child abuse survivors. On Facebook I am running a peer to peer support group for sexual violence survivors. It is going well
and I have help from three amazing admins.

Everything else I thought I was working towards has been cast onto the rubbish heap of life.

Change is most certainly coming. It excites as much as it terrifies me.

I feel as if abuse has followed me my entire life. Maybe I thought that I was only good enough for abusive situations.

No more.

Thank you for reading. 

Like a wave of stinging bees
a vast maw spews forth
its delivery of denigration,
staccato sticks and stones
hurled with venomous vigor
in machine gun frenzy
the leaden poison bullets
hitting the heart hard
jerking the soul strings
wearing thin with insult,
acidity dripping and dissolving
corroding their committment
polarisation pulsing into view
building walls ever higher
cemented by hatred
surely it is not meant?
where is the committment,
the shining example?
replaced by petty point-scoring
and manifestations malignant
boiling in intensity fermented
showering ears with barbed comment
eyes roll and look for deliverance
ever stalled like praise
a poised viper waiting
to spring with pent-up
bitterness an addicition always
everyone else wrong, always
an excuse for adrenaline fix
of abuse, a tirade of blame
heaped like so much shit
on their shoulders, broadened
by years of this manic seque
the mind of a seeming madman
being called forthly all too often
channelling its primal negativity
pounding, pounding, demanding
submission the only solution
that is unless you leave
I am glad I am leaving
 

Love Is In The Air.. #love

Love, Love, Love...

It's that time of year again.. Ignored at your peril if you've got a partner, abused by the commercial sector as an excuse to make even more money. Those who are alone might well hate Valentines Day is nothing drops through their real or cyber letterbox.

Love is a gift, from one person to another, a shared gift that should be cherished and nourished. Don't take love for granted, it can quickly go sour.

I used to "fall in love" if someone was simply nice to me. I suppose my childhood has something to do with that. It took me a long time to appreciate what love really was. Love can take many forms, be expressed in many, many ways. It shouldn't be just on Valentines Day that you show your loved one what they mean to you..

Love is trust, security, a warm glow, a many splendored thing indeed.

Perhaps the hardest thing for people like me is to love ourselves, to allow ourselves to love and be loved. I didn't like myself for a long time, let alone love myself. Loving oneself is not vanity, it's essential. As a great songstress sang "Learning to love yourself, It is the greatest love of all"

Love can come from unexpected places if we allow ourselves to be receptive to it. Just because someone is not your predetermined "type" does not mean that love could not blossom.  What lies beneath the skin is far more important than good looks or a fit physique. Love is chemistry.

Whatever you do on Valentines Day, whether you are single or not, be nice to yourself. Be open to love; if you put too many obstacles in the way love will fail to knock on your door.

Love Is a Drug; Co-Dependency and Survivors by Lisa Nelson #childabuse #survivors

Love Is a Drug; Co-Dependency and Survivors

The word 'love' is  synonymous with many things. Compassion, kindness, mother-love, friendship, romance; all those 'nice' associations. However it can also bring up images of heartbreak, pain, betrayal, loss and other painful emotions that don't feel very loving at all. Love is a multi-faceted word. For those who have survived childhood abuse, the ways the word 'love' can be used as a form of control and emotional dependency is often all too fresh in our minds. Even after years of therapy, support and managing to build a successful life in other ways, our romantic and sexual relationships can still be suffering from misconceptions of what 'love' really is. We've all heard the old adage 'if it hurts, it isn't love' but sadly, particularly when it comes to romantic attachments, we believe the exact opposite, often judging the depth of our emotions by how jealous wefeel over them, how bereft when they are not there, and how despairing we become should the relationship falter or end. Of course unhealthy relationships are not just perpetuated by abuse survivors; cultural and media depictions of love and romance make this is a common association for us all, but for those with a background of fractured relationships and/or sexual abuse it is perhaps particularly potent.

Love as Co-Dependency

A co-dependent relationship is often described as one where partners feel they 'need' each other as opposed to love each other, and interactions may be abusive, unhealthy and destructive. This can range from couples trapped in the cycle of domestic abuse, to the man who is overcome by jealousy every time his partner goes out without him or vice versa, and to those who feel they are weak on their own and 'can't live without each other. There are usually severe control issues present in a co-dependent relationship, usually manifesting as one partner overtly controlling the actions and behaviour of the other. Substance abuse by one or both partners is common in co-dependent relationships. Given that our adult relationships often mirror the effects of treatment received in childhood, it is hardly surprising that survivors of sexual abuse are particularly prone to the trap of co-dependent relationships. Although it is usually assumed that the male co-dependent partner (in a heterosexual relationship) will be the abusive or controlling one, this is not always the case. Particularly with male survivors of sexual abuse, unresolved shame issues and victimisation patterns mean they are often just as likely to be at the receiving end of domestic abuse. Co-dependent relationships consist of a complex web of unhealthy interactions between a couple who will often profess to 'love' each other deeply.

Love as a Drug

Sexual abuse survivors are often at risk of substance abuse issues, and for many 'love' in the guise of an unhealthy romantic relationship can become the drug of choice. The emotional and mental effects of a destructive relationship pattern are in fact similar to the effects of heroin and other drugs. Feelings of euphoria followed by feelings of despair, aggressiveness and changes in eating and sleeping patterns are characteristic of most addictions, whether that addiction be to a substance, person or feeling. Addictions are believed to be linked to the production of dopamine in the brain, and a co-dependent relationship can have a similar effect on the release of dopamine to drugs and alcohol. So, in a very real sense, people in co-dependent relationships really are 'addicted' to each other.

Surviving and Finding Real Love

For sexual abuse survivors it is paramount that support and any recovery programmes are in place before embarking on a serious romantic relationship and ongoing counselling can help both partners be aware of and resolve any unhealthy patterns that may arise as the relationship is formed and continues. There is no need to 'give up on love' but rather to redefine our perceptions and expectations of what a healthy relationship entails. As we have seen the ups and downs of a destructive relationship can be chemically addictive, but when we are in recovery from this we can begin to value a calmer, kinder version of love, so that the very wordregains it's literal meaning. 'Love' is not and should never be synonymous with 'abuse' and one of the ways in which we know we are no longer just survivors but 'thrivers' is when we can allow real love into our lives.

Many thanks to Lisa Nelson for her article.

Lisa in her own words

"After graduating in Art and Design, I began working with an advertising agency before motherhood got in the way. Now I work from home as a freelance writer and cover topics as diverse as the latest exhibitions, reviews of art, books and music, self-help articles for beginners and also a topic close to my heart. Personal experience and work with the Coalition Against Drug Abuse has taught me how useful art and literature can be in helping both addicts and the victims of addiction, so when possible, I write on this positive message, though I know not everyone shares it."

If you would like to get in touch with Lisa please email me and II can pass your messages on. 

  

Christmas Without You #Christmas #Love

Christmas without you
White Christmas and I'm blue
Like fireworks with no fuse
Christmas without you
The fireplace keeps burning and my thoughts keep turning
The pages of memories of time spent with you
Old Christmas songs we knew and used to make love to
Make it hard to get used to
Christmas without you

Christmas without you
White Christmas and I'm blue
I love you I miss you
So sad but so true
Christmas without you
Like a mystery with no clues
Like fireworks with no fuse
Christmas without you

The sweetest gift I know would be if the new snow
Could fall on your footsteps on this Christmas Eve
The most joyous Christmas if luck could be with us
Would be if Saint Nicholas brought you home to me

Christmas without you
White Christmas and I'm blue
I love you I miss you I need you
So sad but so true
Like a mystery with no clues
Like fireworks with no fuse
Christmas without you

My Love

My love for you is like an ocean
It's depths and treasures await.
My love is like a summer rose
Waiting to open its heart to you.

My love is like a river
Flowing towards to you forever
My love, you are the air I breathe,
For surely without you I would die.

My love is greater than a mountain,
But you don't have to climb.
My love, my arms await you here,
Step in, come close, you're mine.

Last Chance For Love

I'm waltzing with you hand-in-hand
Into the night....
A million stars could not compare
To the way your eyes sparkle in the light

The crowd goes home
They turn out the lights
Now it's just you and me in the moonlight
You look so wonderful tonight

With you in your finest clothes
Give me your hand
Let me spin you around
Fingertip-to-fingertip

Step on my toe and let me hear you laugh
As I wrap your arms around my neck
The smile on your face
The way you feel in satin and lace

All so soft, so smooth
Graceful as the way we move
We'll sing the song that's in our hearts
The one about two lovers in love

That could never be torn apart
Minutes become hours and we kiss and hold each other near
The moon tells us it's time to go
As the stars begin to disappear

I take your hand and squeeze a little tighter
Bowing before you like a gentleman
I ask for one more dance before we sleep
For this is our last dance goodnight.

Love is...?

Why do I write so much about this subject? What is the connection with Childhood Sexual Abuse?

My thoughts, mixed up as they are, are these.

The abuse that I suffered, gave me an altered perception of love; and of myself. I hate feeling smothered, possessed.

It is commonly believed that a child's character is formed before the age of six. I lived two lives. On one side a fairly average family life ; though my father was away frequently due to his work and my mother was slowly dying of cancer. On the other side was a nightmare of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse.

As I grew up I was exposed to familial love of various kinds. The twisted views of some of my family and the conditional love I was frequently exposed to, combined to totally confuse and instill fear in my young mind.

My mother loved me unconditionally. My father was very Victorian in his views and did not express emotions, i.e. he was cold, though I do know he loved me though . My sister was jealous and resentful of my existence. None of these harmed me; though later my sister would - at least not to the degree that others did.

My grandparents demanded a condition for "love", the grandfather especially. Love had a price, a painful and perverted one. When asked at what age I lost my virginity I used to glibly reply "four years old". This shut most people up when I explained why... My grandmother spent much of her remaining years trying to make up for the pain of my childhood and she smothered me.

The abuse that I suffered not only fractured my perceptions, it literally fractured me within and from myself. I developed Dissociative Identity Disorder - D.I.D. Disassociation occurred within me as an escape, a means to survive trauma. The different "versions" of me all had their own views and ways of dealing with love and intimacy. The connection between love and sex; for in an intimate relationship that connection must exist, was for me... fractured. I was... fractured.

When I first experienced romantic love at the age of fifteen, I didn't know how to handle it. In truth though no one does at that age, my experiences, feelings, perceptions made this all the more confusing and difficult.

Being loved, being wanted just for who I am, has been something I have struggled with all of my adult life. My feelings of unworthiness were stronger than anything else. I always used to seem to "fall in love" with the wrong person. I was well accustomed to being told I made a great friend, but that was it... I fell deeply, easily, and blindly. Was this love? Was it simply a desire to be loved? I don't know.

I've done all the regular "lovey dovey" stuff. Become entranced with someone, bought gifts, written love letters, sent recordings of mixed love songs to my hearts desire... Was this love? Or was this simply infatuation? Was I simply going through the motions of what I thought love required? Or giving what I so desperately needed to be given; time and effort from another that would make me feel worthy? Likely both.

When I did have relationships I seemed to always be on edge, waiting to be hurt. Fear and mistrust had been strongly instilled in my reaction to being "loved" I know I ended several because I wanted the control, I wanted to be the one who decided when it was over. Frequently I would then feel ashamed, stupid. I would berate myself for spoiling something just because it was "too good" for comfort.

After I had the breakdown at age twenty, things changed somewhat. I was married at twenty one to a woman fifteen years my senior who had two children under the age of ten. It lasted just over two years. The split was amicable.

This had a strange affect on me though. I knew what love was supposed to be, I knew how people were supposed to act when in love. I felt I was living outside the real world. For a good while I was the one being chased, the one who would say "you make a good friend, but..."

I fell in love with the idea of being in love. I couldn't let myself go there, I had to keep control of my emotions. I didn't like or love myself so how could I allow myself to be loved?

My relationships were strained, wrong somehow. I settled down for quite a few years but that relationship turned sour. We stayed together quite a long time though, unhappily for the most part. Possibly it was easier to accept the known, though painful, than to face unknowns, alone?

Even now, I do not feel worthy, so much so that I feel "alien" as I look at other people and I'm envious of how freely they express themselves, how comfortable they seem in their own skins and within their own relationships. It feels alien, or should I say, I feel alien.

Love.... Love has historically been the most written about, most sung about topic. Wars have raged because of it. People have died for it. Others have made complete idiots of themselves because of it. Love has destroyed nations. Love is also the reason for so much good, so much beauty and joy!

Those three words "I Love You" can do so much. They are very powerful words, almost magical. The same words can also cause panic and fear...

What do I know therefore of love?

I write of it, I have experienced much of it and it's side affects. My pulse has quickened, my eyes lit up, my heart has ached. Love is a wondrous thing when it is a positive and shared experience.

It can also be destructive and harmful.

I've read that some pedophiles have said they loved the child they were abusing. I was told this, that I was extra loved and special because I was the favoured one, because I kept the secrets. The "love" shown by the pedophiles that abused me was a conditional love. If I didn't do as asked I was punished..

That is not love, that is just sick and causes further harm and confusion to the "victim."

I was conditioned to see love in a different way. Love was used as a reward. If I was a good boy then I would be loved. If I did as I was told, if I shut up and put up, then people were nice to me. They told me they loved me. I was conditioned to accept and look for, conditional love.

This self-abusive connection formulae for love remains within me... . If I want love then I must forget my own needs, what I want does not count. I am insignificant. I am still unworthy and tend to choose partners with personalities, behaviors, and demands that reinforce that identity!

It has also affected my friendships. My desire to be liked, to fit in. I tried too hard. So I gave up. In the real world I have few friends. I find it simpler. The same rule applied for "like" as it does for "love"; I don't really like myself so therefore am unworthy of being liked. There are exceptions but they are few and far between.

To just be myself has been very difficult, painful almost. It has improved in the last eighteen months. The D.I.D. seems seems to have diminished . I am now in control of me. Additionally reinforcing my self-esteem in this unreal world of social networking I feel I am fitting in, that I belong. I have a purpose. I have cyber friends! I can take off my protective mask and just be me, though protected behind this screen.

I long to take this out into reality. To finally let myself be me. Am I good enough? Will I fit in? My mind spins with the questions and the doubts hide around corners.

Learning to love myself is the hardest thing I have ever undertaken.

If it frees my mind and opens up my life, the journey must be worth the anguish.

Yes?