When a Man You Love was Abused

Cecil Murphey

I'll Stand By You #ChildAbuse #Survivors

One of the most painful things I experienced as an after effect of my childhood was the feeling of alienation and "difference" I felt. I stood outside and watched the world through a window, alone. No-one should ever have to feel as isolated and freaky as I did.

I was conditioned to believe that I was bad, in the wrong, a disaster on two legs that deserved no happiness. I believed this propaganda, I believed I was the bad one, the black sheep. I couldn't confide my innermost feelings chosing instead to act the clown, to drink myself into oblivion on the occasions where just living hurt too much.

Often when we are made to believe we are worthless we act accordingly. I know I did.

I was wrong however. No matter what form of abuse you may have had to endure always remember one very important thing. The person in the wrong is NOT you. It can take quite some time to undo the damage done by those that abused us. The damage is often hidden, not all scars are visible. Please believe me that the pain you will feel going from survivor to thriver IS worth it. That was blunt wasn't it? I'm not saying the road will be easy and painfree. Far from it probably. BUT it is a road we must walk in order to regain some of which was ripped from us.

We cannot go back and change the past. What we can do is say enough is enough. Start today to change your thinking, decide that tomorrow belongs to you and not your memories. You will not be alone I promise you. The times they are a changing and it's high time that those that do evil in this world are held accounatable and the innocent victims are given the respect and the support that is sadly frequently lacking.

Do not suffer in silence. The more of us that speak out, the more of us that decide to stop being victims, then the more of us there will be to stand tall and no longer feel that we are living outside the fire. There is strength in numbers! We need to show the world how much evil is done behind closed doors. Be you a victim of sexual, physical or emotional abuse. NOW is the time to say STOP!

There is much more awareness regarding abuse than there was a few years ago. There are support groups online as well as a growing number in the "real" world. In the year or so that I've been blogging I have seen many more advocates and support groups than there were.

There is no shame in being abused. The shame belongs firmly at the feet of those evil twisted perpetrators that tried to destroy us.

OUR time is NOW!

This is for you my fellow survivors, whoever and wherever you are. Male, female, whatever colour your skin and whatever your sexual preference. We stand together.

TWO BROTHERS REACT TO THE SAME CHILDHOOD TRAUMA @johndwm #childabuse

TWO  BROTHERS REACT TO THE SAME CHILDHOOD TRAUMA

We both experienced the same form of early childhood trauma. When your abuser is mentally ill - you cannot accuse them and you cannot even accuse them in your head - it was not their fault...and in reality they could very easily be you... meaning no harm when in their senses - but horrific and lethal when in a different mental state.

Both my brother and I experienced extreme physical and emotional abuse when very very young, in my case it started at five months as a result of our mother's mental illness.

Alan and I reacted in equally extreme ways - but in mirror image - in such an opposite way that no one could ever have guessed we had the same root of extreme trauma within our earliest years.

Alan Froze. Physically untouchable until he developed physical relationships with women - then emotionally froze at the point where each relationship invited permanancy. He broke hearts and finally his heart was broken-  physically. There is no heart disease in our family but Alan died of a heart atack at 61, three and a half years ago - at the age I am today.

Alan shone in society and gave up a brilliant career in his late forties.

Many came up to me at his wake and told me how he had helped them.. He expressed himself through acts of practical help. Alan was exceptionally brilliant with money and has in death provided invaluable endowments

GOODBYE NOW MY BROTHER!

Trapped you were in your sinecure
Mounted like a specimen in dutiful assumption
Almost bear-like in stature and defiance
Blank until you owned incredulous night
—
We believed in one another, but hiddenly
Between each other, our secret from ourselves
There was a specified iota of respect
Birthed in our heritage of neglect
—
Both of us became blank slates
Beneath the burden of ruptured love
Both knew the dark withdrawals of affection
And those hollow stares of disjunction
—
We both played; I was the Midshipman
You were the Lieutenant
Our play was the play of the sea
Our ships were cardboard boxes and a fallen tree
—
We shared a room of bunks and green linoleum
You named all your pets the same
And later you would not name your cat
For you the honesty of abstraction reigned
—
And as we grew, we adapted and shone
You shone with the coldness of intellect
And yes, you lit many minds with your wit
It was abstruse and strangely lifting
—
I have found the memory of your humour
And shared its special nomenclature
I have discovered you once more within its resonances
And re-established our connectedness again
—
You led and I followed a set direction
Which you plainly enunciated for me
The early books were tough, the later tender
As my mind expanded and flowered
—
But finally before the flowers could fade
I rose out of my own imagination
And decided to fly and pollinate
I became free of you as I came of age
—
From that point our connection was kept secret
And our respect for each other lay deep within
It lay in the lustrous knowledge of early conflict
It lay in our unshared experiences of harm
—
But now I grieve for you my brother
Grieve for the conversations never held
Grieve for the warmth we never entered
Grieve for the lack of any farewell
—
I grieve that you fell among strangers
With people that knew you so little
I grieve that your friends were left without you
With their knowing of you so unsettled
—
But I am heartened by the legacy of meaning
That you have enabled us to find
To grant so many people gladness
In transforming knowledge in their lives
—
I am heartened that your name in blazoned
To the foreign land you served so ably
I am joyful that your name is laden
In a sea of meaning and enjoyment
—
Your legacy will paint a thousand pictures
In the minds of men and women far and wide
And our connectedness will light the night-time
For a hundred, hundred, thousand years
—
Goodbye now my brother and goodnight
These are surely not phrases you would have liked
But you still might have found amusement in a certain line
And utilised your wit to play with it
—
Goodbye my brother who could not share feelings
Farewell and make your journey through the night
I know your spirit is still playing
And in the heavens you will find the light!

Where Alan froze - I melted... where he suceeded -  I failed where he failed I suceeded. Until finally we reached unity only following his death. I have realized that we are the two parts of the whole. So precious. So poignant. so vulnerable and so, so hurt - my heart constantly freezes over to avoid feeling the intensity of the closeness, grief and requirement within my genes and my blodstream to resist facing up to all this. Hence I now undertand why Alan said when I asked what he thought of the idea of psychotherapy .."I dont dare go there.. because I am terrified of what I would find..."

John is a poet, photographer and song-writer and is developing several works for publication. He is employed by MECOPP, the leading Scottish minority ethnic carers organisation and also works with others on an independent basis to create and develop enterprises centered on the development of social wellbeing. His commitment lies with political, community and spiritual regeneration and he is activly involved in initiating and supporting social enterprises.

As voluntary co-ordinator of the Yes-U-Are Partnership, he is working with a team to develop the Erskine Church to become a local hub in the heart of Dunfermline . As an active member of the Labour Party he is a passionate advocate of the shift towards a genuine community-oriented Vision.

My story can be found at http://johndwmacdonald.com/about/

Follow John on Twitter @johndwm

The Phoenix Post - Ordinary people power at it’s very best @ThePhoenixPost #childabuse #advocates

Ordinary people with extraordinary insight professionally delivered. Awarded victim’s advocates, respected amongst their peers as groundbreaking advocacy pioneers who work on the very cutting edge of the child and public protection fields, international bestselling authors, successful campaigners, inspirational public speakers and trusted social commentators - Shy Keenan & Dr Sara Payne MBE

The Phoenix aims.

1 - Build a safe online platform for the victim’s voice.
2 - Protect that voice from sabotage.
3 - Build a trusted voice that gets heard and included where it matters.
4 - Use that voice to educate away the Anti-Victim Prejudice and more positively represent those victimised by paedophiles crimes – otherwise know to us as the amazing Phoenix community.

Find THE PHOENIX POST website HERE




Find the Phoenix Chief Advocacy Service HERE

Follow on Twitter @ThePhoenixPost Ordinary people power it’s very best.

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All rights protected copyright The Phoenix Post

My Story: Then and Now @siobhanpyburn #childabuse #survivors

Siobhan is originally from Southampton and studying law at university. She won a V National award in 2009 for 'exceptional community impact', and was named national woman of courage by Lesley Pearse a year later. She is also an ambassador for the Rose Road Association, which raises vital funds for children with severe and complex disabilities. After graduating, Siobhan hopes to commit to her anti-child abuse escapades on a more full-time basis, although she is also in the process of setting up a business as a personal trainer.

Like so many others, I was abused by someone I thought I could trust. In my case it was my father. I was so young when it started that I don't remember exactly what age - about six or seven I think. It would've been so easy for him; I adored him, like all little girls adore their daddies. And my mum was never around 'because of work'. At first I didn't really understand that what was going on was wrong, and he'd be so nice to me afterwards - he would even buy me fish and chips! By the time I hit puberty it became apparent to me that I was being exploited in the worst way possible, and I was a very lost teenager - you know, the ones at school who skulk about by themselves at playtime and don't really 'fit in'. I didn't say anything at that point because I honestly, whole heartedly believed that we were as bad as each other. I felt like such a slut, and was so sure that my (already fragmented) family would disown me if they ever found out. These feelings compounded when I got my first boyfriend at 13, which was significant because I ended up using him as an escape from what was going on at home. I would get abused so that I could spend time with him on the weekends. Heck, I would get abused so that my dad would drop me off on time at school in the mornings, so I could see him for a few moments longer. I was obsessed, I was distraught and everybody around me just put it down to 'teenage hormones'. Meanwhile my father milked every opportunity to get further sexual favours from me. I'd been going along with the 'trade system' for so long by then that I didn't see the difference between it happening a few times, and it happening multiple times a week, over the span of what ended up being about six years. After I would get back from spending time with my boyfriend, my father would interrogate me on exactly how far we went sexually, and get very angry if I didn't tell him every last detail - he'd say I was 'clamming up'. One time I got so hysterical that I started screaming at the top of my voice that I was gonna tell someone, and he had better say his prayers 'cos I wasn't going to take it anymore. That scared the hell out of him and he threatened suicide. I hated him so much by then - a possessive, powerful, encompassing kind of contempt that no word does justice to - that I wished he would.

At 15 I disclosed to my mum whilst staying with her over the school Christmas holidays. She said nothing; just got up and left the room, which made me feel like my worst nightmare was being realised. But luckily not so. She told my brothers, who told the police at once; my father was evicted from our 'family' home and well over a year later - and after being adjourned once - the case went to court and I 'won'. He got three years in jail for abusing me for twice that amount of time, and then let out after eighteen months on good behaviour. What a liberty.

I'd like to say I haven't heard from him since, but I have, and relatively recently. Last year he contacted my brother through his website with some idle threatening language about how I should learn 'not to throw shit up in the air'. Well. I didn't sleep for three nights and then I thought, frankly, F it. The police weren't going to tell him off because apparently he would have needed to explicitly made a threat on my life for them to do anything, in plain English (now how's that for prevention rather than cure?), so I knew that basically, the government doesn't care about me. I'm an individual and there's plenty of those around. So I did something I never thought I would do - I wrote back.

One day, maybe when the significance/prestige of The Phoenix Project is at its height, I'll publish that letter in the public domain. I poured my heart and soul into those words, I can tell ya. And I think that, in a poetic sort of way, I was speaking for than myself. I was speaking for survivors everywhere who have never had their chance to say their piece - to get it all out on paper and know that the abuser had to eat it - and especially those who haven't been able to speak up yet at all. I love writing because you cannot argue with the written word. You cannot shout it down.

Anyway his response was to basically call me a liar and be very unimaginative. But what a move to put me back in my place of personal power. I recklessly reccommend it. I never felt less like a victim in my life.

Now that the actual abuse is over I'm tasked with the humungous ball ache of picking up the pieces in my life and trying to put it together to make something dignified. To this end I believe I've been a partial success. I started The Phoenix Project in 2008 when a charity called ITV Fixers approached my college looking for innovative young people to step up and make a film about an issue that they felt strongly for. I volunteered myself to address child abuse and it all took off from there. I've now got a telly appearance, two national awards and a few press appearances behind me (including having my story published in Cosmopolitan magazine, October 2010). I came to uni two years ago to study law, and unfortunately haven't been able to pick up where I left off with my anti-child abuse efforts just yet. It's not over though; I ain't finished yet! I want to do what I do best - write - in aid of the cause I just can't walk away from. I want to break the unwritten rule about child sexual abuse, which is that nobody talks about it. Nobody wants to hear about it. Keep it under the rug where it belongs, yeah? No. We need to defy the statistics and reach for more than a life of mediocrity. As a survivor, I've found helping others to be a fabulous healing process in itself. And there's always more to do.

There are children right under our nose going through the same things I did. That thought is what lights a fire where I need it. I don't know if I'll ever turn this show into some kind of career - I don't know what the dots are gonna turn into once I join them up; I just want to do what I can. People are normally surprised when I tell them about my past, and it's a point of pride for me. I'm 21 now, and there are of course some days when I struggle, when it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. But in the same breath, I realise that my experiences have forced me to grow some important strengths.

It's all about how you spin it. On the one hand, I struggle with post-abuse issues such as feeling inferior to others (particularly other girls) and wondering deep down how far I really can re-design my core beliefs to make a positive difference in my own reality and that of others... on the other, it's a darn wonder that I (and you) can suit up and show up to life each day given what has been suffered, which at times like this, gives me hope that everything's gonna turn out just fine (it really is, you know).
Find Siobhan at http://www.the-phoenix-project.co.uk

Follow Siobhan on Twitter @siobhanpyburn

Children - Our Greatest Monuments #childabuse #survivors @Together_WeHeal

Another great article by David Pittman of Together We Heal.

    Children – Our Greatest Monuments

 

"We will probably be judged not by the monuments we build, but by the monuments we destroy." NY Times Editorial, 1963

What greater monument to mankind is there other than our children? The only time we are given the ability to assist God in creating. So is there any worse crime, any more horrific tragedy or any greater destruction, than that of the innocence of a child; their heart, their spirit.

As survivors of child sexual abuse, we must become the advocates of those whose voices are still silenced. After we have come to our own acceptance of truth and healing we are the ones who can best help others to do the same.

Our "mission" of sorts is to be positive without negating or downplaying the trauma of this type of crime – to remind ourselves and others that hope is available and accessible.

We want to get this right – How to best lift up the victims to become survivors and as Grace Gayle put it, from victims to victors.

To let anyone who has been through child sexual abuse come to the same truth and understanding that this was NOT their fault – they are NOT alone – they have NO reason to feel shame or ashamed, and that they can be strong and courageous by coming forward, identify their abuser and move ahead with their life to give them the best possible chance of having lasting friendships and loving relationships.

Together, we can truly heal.

Find other great articles by David HERE

UK END CHILD ABUSE MARCH AND RALLY, LONDON 2012 #childabuse #survivors

Find more details HERE

 

 

Survivors March now confirmed!
Assembly point: Hyde Park Corner
Assembly time: 12.00
March Start: 12.30

There will be speakers raising awareness of the appalling state of the UK SS system, raising questions such as who protects children in care?

Support organisations are encouraged to take the stand to promote their work and there will be an ‘open mic’ session for people to share their experiences.

Speeches will be filmed and aired with permission.

Special guests, Lizzie McGlynn, author of “I Forgive You Daddy” will be joining us at the rally for book signings, along with Rebecca Mitchell, author of “New Shoes”.

We will also be showcasing some beautiful artwork by survivor, Beverly Berzins.

Estimated March assembly time 12.30pm, assembly point TBC

Victim and survivor support organisations please contact info@truthandhope.co.uk for details of promotional opportunities.

For more info please go to www.truthandhope.co.uk

I shall be there and will be giving away 20 signed copies of my book as well as 50 FREE Ebook download vouchers.

1 in 6 men were sexually abused in childhood: Let's talk... #childabuse

Entry to the Living Well "Let's Talk" competition. Research tells us that 1 in 6 men have been sexually abused in childhood and that on average men will take 22 years to tell someone about it, 10 years longer than women. When men do come forward, they often speak of how limited public discussion of this issue adds to a sense of isolation and desperation.

BREAK THE SILENCE ABOUT CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE

Why do some male survivors wait so long to speak and break the silence that has surrounded them since they were sexually abused?

If you have never spoken out before, and wondered why you have waited so long to do something about it, carry on reading and see if the answers come to you.

Set out below are just some of the reasons given to me, over the past 20 years or more.

I WAS TO BLAME FOR WHAT HAPPENED, AS I DIDN'T STOP IT, OR TELL SOMEONE WHAT WAS HAPPENING.

If you had been able to speak out,at the time, you would have done so, and stopped it then, but because of varying reasons as to why you didn't, why judge yourself, as that younger child or adult, and continue to blame yourself? You had no choice in what happened TO you, and therefore did the best you could, at the time, to get through it all.

IT WAS JUST ME AND MY BROTHER/SISTER MESSING ABOUT.

Often, sexual abuse is carried out in the family, and far more than is believed, so when its a family member, be that mother, father, sister, brother, aunts, uncles, or grandparents, it can confuse you even more.

If it was someone who close in age, that causes more issues for you to deal with, as it feels like it should be kept quiet, and not talked about, but if you were to be told, by someone else, that they had been abused by a family member, would you find that easier to deal with? If so, tell yourself again, that the abuse is abuse and you have every right to talk about it and break the silence.

IT DIDN'T HURT ME, AND THERE WERE PARTS OF IT THAT I ENJOYED.

That has been said to me so many times, and I always answer it as such: I defy anyone to not react sexually or to enjoy sexual feelings, from being touched sexually. The difference here is that it was sexually abusive, even if done in a 'loving' way, because it was not done by choice. You had no choice and no matter what was said to you at the time, the abusers had the control and power over you, so try and distance yourself from the sexual 'pleasures' you may have had, and consider that it wasn't an issue, you wouldn't be looking for answers as to what happened to you.

I DIDN'T SAY YES or DIDN'T SAY NO.

Again, here is the wrongly inherited guilt and shame that stops male survivors from speaking out, in that because you 'took part', you then believe that it was your fault, when it is the person who asked, or coerced you into doing something sexual TO them.

IT WAS JUST ONCE AND NOT THAT BAD.

In that case, you would not have a problem with it and would not be reading this page, but as you maybe what you need to do is recognise that it has had a profoudn effect upon you, in many ways, and start to work on those issues, many of which are outlined on other pages on this site.

HE GOT ME TO DO THINGS TO HIM AND NEVER TOUCHED ME

That has been said on many occasions, in that some boys are coerced into doing sexual things TO the abuser, and therefore end up thinking that they were abusers, and that by doing so, must be gay or enjoyed doing it.

If that fits your story, it's easily explained, in that he or they, MADE you do things, in order to trap you into what they wanted, and left you with no escape from the abuse. It has been reported many times that the abuser got more than one child involved and coerced them to be sexual with one other, further compounding guilt and shame.

IT WAS JUST ME AND MY BROTHER, MESSING AROUND.

Again, if it was just 'messeing around' you would not have a problem with it, and would have been able to put it behind you, but as you have not done so, maybe you need to look at what was done TO you, and what actual role you played in what happened TO you.

I WAS TOLD THAT MY MOTHER/FATHER WOULD BE KILLED IF I SAID ANYTHING.


A typical ploy by abusers is to make threats to ensure that you complhy with their demands, so you can excuse yourself that you failed to speak out at the time, because at least you taking that step now, I hope, by breaking the silence imposed upon you

This article is Copyright http://amsosa.com/speak.htm

Thanks to Steve for everything, he is my guardian angel.

INTERNATIONAL HELPLINES AND WEBSITES FOR CHILDREN

Al Yaman : YMHA : 236622

Antigua and Barbuda : Friends Hotline Antigua and Barbuda : 800 4357

Argentina : Childhelpline : 102 : www.infanciayderechos.gov.ar

Aruba : Stichting Arubaanse Kinder : 131 : www.telhubentud.aw

Australia : Kids Help Line : +61 7 1800 55 1800 : www.kidshelp.com.au

Azarbaycan : ETIMAD Sumgayit : 23131

Belgique/Belgie : ChildFocus : 110

Belgique/Belgie : Kinder - en Jongerentelefoon Vlaanderen VZW : 0800 15 111

Botswana : Childline Botswana : 0800 300900

Brasil : TECA : +55 21 2589 5656

Belarus : SICCRE : +375 1592 33 129 : www.adzerltd.chat.ru/sshr.htm

Canada : Kids Help Phone : +1-800-668-6868 : www.kidshelpphone.ca

Ceska Republika : The Safety Line : 800 155 555 : www.linkabezpeci.cz

Colombia : Telefono Amigo : 106

Costa Rica : Línea Cuenta Conmigo : +506 800 2244-911

Danmark : BørneTelefonen (Children phone): 35 555 555 : www.bornsvilkar.dk

Deutschland : Nummer gegen Kummer e.V. : 0800 111 0 333 : www.nummergegenkummer.de

Dominicana Republica : Linea Telefonica para Auxilio : 538-6151

Egypt (مصر): Hotline for children : 16000

Ellas (Ελλάς) : Hamogelo : 1056

España : Fundacion Anar : 0900 20 20 10 : www.anar.org

Estados Unidos Mexicanos : Acercatel : 01 800 110 10 10 : www.acercatel.org.mx

France : Allo Enfance Maltraitee : 119

Han-guk : Rescue Line for Children : 1391 : www.korea1391.org

Hrvatska : Hrabri telefon (Brave Phone): 0800 0800 : www.hrabritelefon.hr

India : Childline India Foundation : 1098 : www.childlineindia.org.in

Ireland/Éire : Child line : 1800 666 666 : www.ispcc.ie

Italia : SOS IL TELEFONO AZZURRO : 19696 : www.telefonoazzurro.it

Jamaica : Friends : +1-888-991-4505 977-5754

Latvija : Child Helpline : 8009000 : www.bernutalrunis.lv

Lietuva : Childline : 8 800 11111 : www.vaikulinija.lt

Lyoveldio Island : Hjálparsími RKÍ : 1717 : www.redcross.is

Magyarorszag : Kék Vonal Gyermek és Ifjusági : 06 80 505 000 : www.kek-vonal.hu

Makedonija : SOS Help Line : +389 2246-6588 : www.childrensembassy.org.mk

Mongol Uls (Монгол улс): Friends : 1979

Namibia : LifeLine/Childline Namibia : 926461226894 : www.lifeline.org.za

Nederland : Kindertelefoon : 0800 0432 : www.kindertelefoon.nl

Nederlaqnd : Child Help International : +31 (0)20 528 9625 : http://www.childhelplineinternational.org/

Nepal (नेपाल): CWIN Helpline : 4271000 : www.cwin-nepal.org

New Zealand : 0800Kidsline : 0800-543-754

New Zealand : The Kids Help Foundation Trust : 0800-942-8787 : www.whatsup.co.nz

New Zealand : Youthline Charitable Trust : 0800-376-633 : www.youthline.co.nz

Nigeria : Human Development Initiatives : 0806 353 1872

Norge : Røde Kors telefonen for barn og ungdom : 0800 33 321 : www.redcross.no

Österreich : RAT AUF DRAHT Telefonhilfe : 147 : http://rataufdraht.orf.at/

Pakistan : Madadgaar Children and Women Help Line : 92-21-111-911-922 : www.lhrla.com

Panama : Tu Linea : 147

Paraguay : FONO ayuda : 559 200

Peru : Fundación ANAR : +51 0800-2-2210 : www.anarperu.org

Pilipinas : Bantay Bata : 163 : www.bantaybata163.com

Portugal : SOS Criança : 21 793 16 17 / 800 20 26 51 : www.iacrianca.pt

Prathet Thai (ประเทศไทย) : Saidek 1387 : 1387

Romania : Toll Free Line : 0800 8 200 200

Rossiya (Россия): Moscow ChildLine : +7 095 735 8484 : www.aro.ru

Rossiya (Россия): Hot Line For Children And Their Parents : +7 41322 20878

Schweiz/Suisse/Svizzera : Telefon für Kinder und Jugendliche : 147 : www.147.ch

Senegal : Centre GINDDI : 800 88 88

Shqiperia : Helpline : +355 4 2308 20 : www.mcmcm.org

Singapore : Tinkle Friend : 1800-2744-788

Slovenija : TOM National Telephone Network :080 1234 : www.zveza-pms.si

Slovensko : Linka detskej istoty pri SV UNICEF : 0800 112 112 : www.unicef.sk/ldi/

South Africa : Childline South Africa : 08000 55555 : www.childlinesouthafrica.org.za

Suomen Tasavalta : Child and Youth Phone : 0800 120400 : www.mll.fi

Sverige : BRIS Children Helpline : 0200 230 230 : www.bris.se

T'ai-wan (台湾): woman and children protection helpline : 113 : www.happykids.org.tw

Trinidad, Tobago : Childline : +1 868 800 4321 : www.ttcadv.org

Turkiye : ALO 183 : 183

U.S.A & GLOBAL : Stop It Now : 1.888.PREVENT : http://www.stopitnow.org

United States of America : Covenant House Nineline : 1-800-999-9999 : www.covenanthouse.org/nineline

United States of America : National Runaway Switchboard : 1-800-621-4000 : www.nrscrisisline.org

Việt Nam : Childline : 1800 1567

Yisra'el (ישראל): L.O./Combat violence against women & children : 09951 8927

Zhongguo, Xianggang (中国，香港): Child Abuse Hotline : +852-27551122 : www.aca.org.hk

Zimbabwe : Childline Zimbabwe : 961 : www.childline.org.zw


PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ADD ANY OTHER NUMBERS AND WEBSITES IN THE COMMENTS SECTION BELOW.

Childhood Sexual Abuse Statistics and FACTS

It is estimated that for every reported incident of abuse that 10 more go unreported....

Childhood Sexual Abuse is an abuse of power. It involves sexual activity forced upon a child by either an adult or an older, more powerful child. Because the victims are powerless to stop the abuse and aren’t old enough to understand what is happening, they frequently suffer deep emotional damage even if there’s no physical damage. There doesn’t have to be intercourse or sexual "touching" for abuse to have occured. Children who are forced to watch sexual activity, listen to sexual language, or view pornographic material may be damaged by the experience. Abusers come from all races, economic classes, male, female, family member, religious figure, teacher, youth worker, medical worker, etc, etc and cannot otherwise be identified except by those they have abused.


Most abusers tell their victim that whatever happened should be kept secret. They may say that no one else will believe the story, that the child will be blamed for causing the sexual activity, or give threats (fabricated, such as threatening to harm the child's pet; or, semi-realistic: "You'll be taken away and put in a foster home if you tell.") Especially when the abuser is someone the child/teen trusted, that trust doesn't die immediately; love or loyalty brings a desire not to get their abuser in trouble. Sexual abuse may have gone on for years before a victim decides to disclose what is happening, or they may not tell until after it ends, if ever. Parents and others working with children and teens need to be open to hearing, or they will not be trusted with the child's feelings. It is also fairly common to avoid thinking about the abuse because it is too painful, especially when it goes on for a long time; people really do forget that they were abused, but it is forgetting on purpose, a defense mechanism. Even while abuse is taking place, some people are able to dissociate and go into a near-trance or pretend that they are somewhere else. This dissociation can remain with the victin for many years in one form or another. It is an escape. There are cases where the abuse was so traumatic that the victim will almost dissapear and dissociated "alters" will take their place.

Of course, some effects happen whether there was a trust bond to break or not. Physical harm can certainly result from sexual abuse, especially if it involved penetration of a small child (with genitals or objects), but the emotional harm is longer-lasting. The feelings of discomfort, confusion, shame etc associated with those abusive sexual acts don't just go away because one has grown older and found a non-abusive sexual partner; as I write this it's been thirty two years since "the grandfather" last molested me and I still flinch from touches that remind me of his. Having sexual acts forced onto you at a young age can teach many unhealthy lessons: that you are only good for sex and don't deserve to be treated well; that sex is the only way to get attention or affection, that people are not be trusted; that it's OK to use people as you were used; that sex is dirty and secret and shame over being involved in it; that you are powerless and cannot stop being used by others; that you are not safe unless you purposely make yourself unattractive; that the only thing that you have control over is the way your body looks; guilt from feeling as if you didn't do enough to stop the abuse or for any parts that were physically enjoyable; and other items. It's not surprising that people who go into therapy for what seem to be unrelated issues end up dealing with past sexual abuse; it can affect all of one's relationships with people. My most recent memories and problems only came to light after seeking therapy for depression caused by the affect of the global recession and ill health on my life. Nothing to do with abuse at all. Being in a safe environment allowed the abuse memoreis to surface.

More attention is usually given to abused females, but as these statistics show, males are also sexually abused. Whilst 80% to 90% of abusers are male, but there are female abusers of both boys and girls; those who are abused by women often are even more reluctant to disclose the abuse because it does not fit the stereotypes. However, this does not mean that abused boys do not show aftereffects, and until recently they have had substantially more difficulty finding resources to help themselves than those abused as girls have. Male victims of male abusers also have the added difficulty of society's homophobia to deal with; they worry that being abused by a member of the same sex has made them gay (even if they aren't now and have never been attracted to the same sex). This sometimes leads to their becoming homophobic as a way of trying to prove to themselves and others that they aren't gay. (In fact, most male abusers of males consider themselves to be heterosexual.)

Sexually abused children frequently show changes in behaviour, including: apparent personality changes (happy child is suddenly depressed); physical complaints such as stomachaches; nightmares; reluctance to go to certain places or have certain people around; regressive behavior (acting younger than they are); and playing sexually with dolls or playmates. Teens who are being abused often run away. Of course, physical signs such as injury to the genitalia are even more obvious, but the behavioral changes are definitely prompting for a parent or other authority figure to ask the child about the possibility of abuse. If abuse of any kind is reported to you, believe what you are hearing. It is extremely rare for children to lie about having been sexually abused (why would a child make up something so painful and difficult to deal with?) Reassure the child that it is not their fault, thank them for their trust in you, and explain that the abuse needs to be reported to authorities to stop the abuser from hurting others. Sometimes the story is retracted under pressure from the abuser (or family) or to avoid the difficulties of a formal investigation -- this does not generally mean that it was originally a lie, merely that the child/adolescent wants to keep things from getting worse than just the abuse by itself.

The following is "borrowed" from the NSPCC website.

A significant minority of children suffer serious abuse or neglect, according to NSPCC research:

•Three-quarters (72%) of sexually abused children did not tell anyone about the abuse at the time. 27% told someone later. Around a third (31%) still had not told anyone about their experience(s) by early adulthood.

•In 2008/09, police in England and Wales recorded more than 21,000 sex offences against children.

•In 2009/10, ChildLine counsellors dealt with over 500,000 contacts from children calling about various problems including, bullying, sex abuse, violence and mental health issues.

CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE HAS TO STOP. UNLESS WE ACT, UNLESS WE STAND UP AND BE COUNTED, UNLESS WE PETITION OUR GOVERNMENTS FOR MORE ACTION, MORE FUNDING, UNLESS WE ENSURE FULL AND ACCURATE MEDIA REPORTING THEN IT WILL NEVER STOP.

Statistics only come from reporting, so we don’t have accurate, objective numbers. But based on the reports available, it’s believed that 1 in 3 girls have been sexually abused , and a general consensus of 1 in 5 to 1 in 7 boys ARE sexually abused.

THIS HAS TO STOP. WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY, WE HAVE THE ABILITIES, WE HAVE OUR VOICES. THE TIME FOR SILENCE IS OVER.

32% of ALL reported sexual crimes (54,982 sexual crimes in total) in Eng and Wales in 10/11 were sexual crimes against children under 16.

DOES IT HAVE TO HAPPEN TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW BEFORE YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT? LETS BE FRANK HERE, IT PROBABLY HAS HAPPENED TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW.

Dealing With Nightmares

Nightmares are just a means of allowing hidden fears and feelings to emerge, but because they emerge in the way they do, they can be extremely difficult to control or mask them.Note the word can be, it does not say they cannot.
Survivors often relive the abuse they suffered in the form of nightmares, and often it can manifest into what seems almost real, in that they "dream" what might have happened, or could have happened, which is often even scarier.

Here are some of the factors that permit nightmares to occur
1. Meeting/seeing someone who resembles your abuser, allowing the memories to creep back.
2. Hearing or reading about another persons story of abuse, which may mirror the abuse you suffered, which then awakes hidden thoughts, fears and feelings for you.
3. Feeling ill, depressed, lonely or sad, often leading to enforced isolation, and the downward spiral continues.
4. Being stressed, including holidays, visits to people's houses, etc.
5. Being humiliated by someone, left feeling powerless, which evokes bad memories for you.
6. Seeing news programmes or tv scenes depicting children being hurt or dying.
Many things on a daily basis can remind you of the past, so one way forward is to talk those fears through, and gradually see that whatever did happen to you, you were in no way to blame.
In order to release that feelings you need to let those feelings of blame move back to their rightful owners, which is the people or person who created them for you, namely your abuser(s)
Although the following sounds easy, it will take time, its not easy, but is possible and in doing so, you will get restful, undisturbed sleep.
To begin with, you should take a look at changing your bedtime routine; this can take many forms, so here are just a few that could work:

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1. Changing the physical layout of your room, perhaps moving the bed to somewhere that feels safer, maybe facing the door.
2. If you leave a light on, turn it off, don't read before you sleep, or do if you don't.
3. Turn off the radio if you listen to one, or perhaps leave a radio on to help you rest, and feel safe
4. Instead of surfing the Net, watching TV etc, change the routine, read a book, listen to music, arrange things for tomorrow.
5. Reflect back aloud on the day you had, what went wrong, what could have been done better, and finish off with what you achieved, all this will work to put you in a calmer frame of mind.
6. Take a bath, with music, candles, incense sticks, whatever works for you.
7. Join a session of relaxation classes, and learn how to relax
8. Avoid sleeping in the daytime, sleeping at the wrong time upsets your internal body clock, so get into a routine, and sleep will come to you.
Above all else, make sure that you have enough sleep every night, otherwise you will feel too tired, physically and emotionally to be of any good to yourself, never mind others.
Learn to trust someone again, allowing them to help you go leave the past behind, and go beyond the destructive feelings that you have
You can kick the past back where it belongs, rest assured this method works, continues to work for survivors, and it can work for you, so re-read it again, making sure you don't skip any of the advice offered, unless you want to that is
Still stuck, try this then ~ Some tips to help you control the dreams that may haunt you
It can help to write down what you've dreamed, (have pen and paper to hand, so you can write it down and get back to sleep again.)

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1. Free Writing
Start anywhere and just keep writing whatever comes to mind. Don't censor or edit anything out. It's like free associating onto a piece of paper. Record everything you are thinking and feeling. If you get stuck, simply write "I'm stuck, I'm stuck..." over and over again until a new association comes up. Then keep writing.
Or write down each element of the dream, then write a stream of consciousness for each one. Compare what you wrote for each element of the dream. Look for similarities and patterns. Hold onto these writings - and go back to them later on. Days or weeks later you may see something that you missed the first time around.

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2. Free Association
To unpack the various meanings of a dream, take each object, person, situation, etc. and free associate to them, one at a time. What does it remind you of? What comes to mind when you think of that element of the dream? Let your imagination go. Let your attention wander. Come up with as many associations as possible. Do this in your head, or talk out loud. If you let yourself go with this, something will come up - a memory, an idea, a feeling. It may not tell you "The Meaning" to the dream, but it will give you pieces to the puzzle.

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Stressed? Dreaming dreams you'd rather not?
If you're stressed during the day, that stress will, without doubt, emerge during your sleeping hours, as that is the bodys way of dealing with stress.
Sometimes the dreams you have can be in the form of symbols or as enactments of different scenes but ones which bring out the same emotions - anger, frustration, grief - whatever is causing you distress, and understandably, some of those dreams are extremely disturbing.
You can turn this around and learn to interpret these dreams to try to identify exactly what it is that is causing you problems, and keeping a dream diary is often very enlightening.
If your dreams are really terrifying, they are deemed to be night terrors (nightmares) These can be a sign of more severe stress or a deeper emotional problem. You might want to look at the page on Post Traumatic Stress first for more information on the subject.
Normal dreams are a safety valve for the mind, allowing you to work through situations which have had impact on you during the day.
Don't expect your dreams to be make any sense or be coherent - they are usually a mixture of all sorts, and often fail to make sense, or can become confused with reality, making you doubt what you really think, plus you can get the odd few scenes which appear to come from nowhere! Try this next exercise to help you relax.....I know...you've tried all sorts of relaxation methods in the past, and none work!

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Muscle Relaxation
Muscles are either tense or relaxed. If this were the whole story, there could be no benefit to be gained from relaxation exercises, because all you'd be doing would be tensing a muscle and then returning it to exactly the same state it was in before you started.
Muscles, however, don't work in isolation from the rest of the body. They are made of fibres which need blood and oxygen. Blood is pumped round the body by the heart and the rate at which it's pumped depends in part on how fast you're breathing.. The amount of oxygen in your blood also depends on your breathing - whether it is slow or fast, deep or shallow.
Let's assume you've tensed a muscle group as part of a relaxation exercise.
It takes effort to tense your muscles so those muscles require more "food", which for them is oxygen, carried to the muscles in the blood. The muscles send out signals that they require more oxygen, so the heart beats more quickly to increase the rate at which the blood flows around your body in order to provide it. Of course, this blood has to come from somewhere, so other parts of your body receive less blood, particularly the stomach, hands and feet.
Now let's assume that you relax that muscle group. The demand for food is back to normal. The muscles need less oxygen and therefore they need less blood. Your heartbeat will therefore slow down, as will your breathing. The blood supply to your stomach will return to normal and it can carry on the process of digestion at its normal rate. You are now relaxing.
Things go one stage further, however, and it is this which makes muscle relaxation exercises effective. It is as if after you've tensed and then relaxed a muscle group, your body says, "Whew - that was an effort," and relaxes even more.
Try it and see. Check and see roughly how tense your hand is at the moment, then clench your fist. Hold this for a few seconds until it starts to become quite uncomfortable. Then relax. The likelihood is that you are either stretching your fingers or shaking your hand, and will then rest it for a moment, This will make the muscles in your hand relax even more.
SEE? The relaxation opens the door for further relaxation of those particular muscles.
The key to good results when you are going muscle relaxation exercises is not just to tense and then relax each muscle group, but to rest those particular muscles for a short while after you've released the tension. You'll find that they are then far more relaxed than when you started. Keep this going, relaxing muscles slowly and often and the result will be that you will have no option to be feel relaxed, and refreshed after some practice
By the way, have you ever tried to fully relax your facial muscles? you'll be surprised how tense your jaw, mouth and cheek muscles are.

The Liar, The Bitch and The Wardrobe

What's wrong with you!!?? You're a liar! Was my Sisters response when I finally shared
Why try to cause trouble, why lie! You always want attention, You're a liar she repeated.
He wouldn't do that, you just have to lie about everything. You're sick, just evil.
No-ones going to believe you, one day you're going to end up in a mental hospital
You're a liar, you're sick, just evil.

She is a bitch, born a bastard living her life as a first class bitch. Joan Collins stand aside.
She destroys lives, marriages, trust. She liked married men, with children even better
Once she told a 7 yr old girl "I'll make a better mummy than yours is!"
She is sick, she's a bitch, with evil, twisted ways, she made my life hell.
She took what was left of my trust and destroyed it. Just like a bitch.

I had to hide, find an escape, I found a secret land. Behind a wardrobe no less.
There I could be what I wanted, who I wanted. Thanks to C.S Lewis, I survived
and hid. When I was older, with my own address, I bought a wardrobe, removed the back
And hid again, but this time I grew. There I found strength, and guardians to protect me
There I could be who I was born to be. There I could just be me.

Pain

Pain abounds
where pleasure
should be
Lost to sight
lost to me
My hopes
crumbled
yet again

Will I ever
really be
free
Again
it comes

pleasure
or is it
pain
in disguise

that I see
before my
eyes
Around
I go

Hoping
the pleasure
will replace
the pain

someday

Where Were You...... 9/11 We shall not forget

No words from me, other than I remember.

Please feel free to post any comments, your thoughts, your memories, your sorrow and anger.

Betrayed By Hope

Sometimes I feel betrayed by hope

because when it is strong
I make the most ambitious plans -
but then the hope is gone.

But not the plans - they linger on
so I must see them through.
Because I am so very proud
there's nothing else to do.

I won't admit that I was wrong
to claim I could succeed,
and anyway, I gave my word,
I've already agreed.

So with a sigh I muddle on
and often do OK.
But oh! This fickle hope of mine
might go too far some day.

The Eleventh Commandment

She hears his heavy breathing in the dark
His footsteps coming closer down the hall
She's so ashamed, she's daddy's secret love
She wants to cry, she wants to die, but he can't get enough
The bruises on his face will go away
Mom keeps him home from school till they fade
She's sorry he was born and tells him so
He takes it in, he hangs his chin, he ducks another blow

Did God overlook it
What ought have been written
The eleventh commandment
Honor thy children

He cries for hours, cries and never stops
He shakes so hard his little cradle rocks
He'll never have the chance to be brand new
He'll never walk, he'll never talk, he's addicted too

Did God overlook it
What ought have been written
The eleventh commandment
Honor thy children

Thou shalt not kill
Thou shalt not steal
Thou shalt not take the Lord's name in vain
Thou shalt not cause thy children pain

God does not overlook it
What ought have been written
The eleventh commandment
Honor thy children
Honor thy children

Search for the Hero

Sometimes the river flows but nothing breathes.
A train arrives but never leaves.
It's a shame.
Oh life like love that walks out of the door.
Of being rich or being poor.
Such a shame.
But it's then, then that faith arrives.
To make you feel at least alive.
And that's why you should keep on aiming high.
Just seek yourself and you will shine

You've got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Search for the secrets you hide.
Search for the hero inside yourself.
Until you find the key to your life.
In this life long and hard though it may seem
Live it as you'd live a dream.

Aim so high.
Just keep the flame of truth burning bright.
The missing treasure you must find.
Because you and only you alone.
Can build a bridge across the stream.
Weave your spell in life's rich tapestry.
Your passport to a feel supreme.

You've got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Search for the secrets you hide.
Search for the hero inside yourself.
Until you find the key to your life.
In this life long and hard though it may seem
Live it as you'd live a dream.