Change Is Coming

 

The past few weeks have been difficult. Health issues have been plaguing me and I always feel as if the world is wrong during the winter.

I have not really said much about myself on this blog for a long time. Not because I had something to hide or nothing to say, I just felt that I was less important than my subject matter. I have used my story in order to bring reality to the pain of abuse, to show that healing is more than possible, to try and encourage others to speak out.

I have also shared music, song and inspiration from other writers. I ripped myself open so that you could see what was inside, I exposed my pscyche but kept some doors shut. Some will open over time others will remain for my viewing only. Such is the nature of needing some privacy.

I realised this week that I have been unkind to myself. I have not been allowing myself to truly live and experience the joys and treasures that life holds. I doubted my worthiness for a long time. I have "real life" problems to work through, health issues to put right and big decisions to make.

Being bluntly honest with myself I realised that I have never lived for me. I was the boy for all tastes that became a man for all seasons. I lived in such a way that I thought was expected of me and frequently demanded of me.

Enough! This is my life and I intend to make some major changes and life decisions.

I have forgotten to apply the advice that I give to others, to my own situation.

My confidence shattered when I lost my businesses, other events kicked me in the stomach. I became a recluse, hiding from the light of life.

My own needs became at best secondary to those of others. The saying springs to mind - "I'm as good as you, as bad as I am" or something similar.

This blog is becoming a ramble, but it comes from the heart. Mine is a bit of a mess so it's no wonder really. I am far from perfect. I am like an old battered suitcase. I have character though and am not the evil fiend that some have painted me for revealing my past. I need to work on my self confidence, on my shyness and on my fear of the unknown.

Unless I take a risk I will never know. So take a risk I shall.  I have to do it on my own terms and at my own pace.

I am still working on the book that I am co-authoring with a survivor/therapist from Canada. We hope to break boundaries in the field of self help for child abuse survivors. On Facebook I am running a peer to peer support group for sexual violence survivors. It is going well
and I have help from three amazing admins.

Everything else I thought I was working towards has been cast onto the rubbish heap of life.

Change is most certainly coming. It excites as much as it terrifies me.

I feel as if abuse has followed me my entire life. Maybe I thought that I was only good enough for abusive situations.

No more.

Thank you for reading. 

Like a wave of stinging bees
a vast maw spews forth
its delivery of denigration,
staccato sticks and stones
hurled with venomous vigor
in machine gun frenzy
the leaden poison bullets
hitting the heart hard
jerking the soul strings
wearing thin with insult,
acidity dripping and dissolving
corroding their committment
polarisation pulsing into view
building walls ever higher
cemented by hatred
surely it is not meant?
where is the committment,
the shining example?
replaced by petty point-scoring
and manifestations malignant
boiling in intensity fermented
showering ears with barbed comment
eyes roll and look for deliverance
ever stalled like praise
a poised viper waiting
to spring with pent-up
bitterness an addicition always
everyone else wrong, always
an excuse for adrenaline fix
of abuse, a tirade of blame
heaped like so much shit
on their shoulders, broadened
by years of this manic seque
the mind of a seeming madman
being called forthly all too often
channelling its primal negativity
pounding, pounding, demanding
submission the only solution
that is unless you leave
I am glad I am leaving
 

Tips for Friends and Family of Rape and Sexual Abuse Survivors

Tips for Friends and Family of Rape & Sexual Abuse Survivors 

© Pandora's Project
by Shannon

ORIGINAL HERE

It can be hard to know what to do to help a friend or family member who has been raped or sexually assaulted. Here are some tips on what to do (and what not to do) and how to cope yourself. 

What to say to a rape or sexual abuse survivor:
I'm sorry this happened to you.
It wasn't your fault.
You survived; obviously you did the right things.
Thank you for telling me.
I'm always here if you want to talk.
Can I do anything for you?

What NEVER to say to a survivor:
It was your fault.
You could have avoided it had you ____________.
It's been so long! Get over it!
You wanted it.
It's not that big of a deal; it happens to lots of people.
I don't believe you. (that's the very worst thing to say)

DO respect him enough to not pity him.

DON'T assume she does or doesn't want to be touched. Some people can't stand a hug at this point; others can't make it without one.

DO comfort her. Bring a cup of tea and a blanket. Play soft music. Make the environment comfortable.

DON'T try to solve all the problems for him. He has had her control taken away from him; try to avoid doing that again.

DO offer to accompany her to her first therapy session.

DON'T demand to know every detail of the rape or abuse.

DO allow her to tell you as much or as little as she needs to.


Further Suggestions...

review facts and myths about sexual abuse and assault
It is crucial to understand the basic facts, and for secondary survivors to examine their own attitudes and feelings in order to be a positive support. Don't allow the myths to affect how you perceive the survivor.

as a secondary survivor, you are also affected
Crisis centers and lines are available to help you also. Call RAINN: 1-800-656-HOPE. Consider seeking therapy yourself (however, see don't see the same therapist as your friend). Pandora's Aquarium has a forum dedicated to secondary survivors, so do consider joining if you have not already. 

helping yourself helps the survivor
There is no reason to feel guilty or selfish for taking care of yourself and your many emotions. It is normal to feel the following and more:

helplessness - guilt - shame - loss of intimacy - loss of routine - frustration - need for retaliation - overprotection - anger

aim to find the difference between being supportive and overbearing
I can't give you exact definitions. The supportive friend is there when I need to talk, is open to hearing what I have to say, and doesn't always press for more. The overbearing friend is constantly checking up on me, forces me to talk to her, and tries to solve my problems for me.

don't be afraid of silence
If you don't know what to say, that's okay. The most powerful statement a friend can make is by simply being there, not trying to fix everything or pretending it's okay. Silence often says more than words.


Depending on your relationship with the survivor and the trust she has in you, she may experience a flashback or panic attack in your presence. It can be frightening and difficult to know what to do during a situation like this, but here are a few suggestions.

Panic Attacks
* Remind the survivor of where she is. Ask her to sit down and place her feet on the floor. Describe her surroundings to her, and ask her to do the same.
* Remind the survivor to take deep breaths.
* If the survivor has medication she is prescribed to take during panic attacks, such as Xanax, remind her that if she needs it, it is available.

Flashbacks
Remember that during flashbacks, the survivor is often actually reliving the abuse or assault. Be cautious in your actions, and get to know the survivor and what she needs before you do anything at all. Here are a few suggestions.

* Name it. Not everyone realizes that what they're suffering is a flashback.
* Tell the survivor that you know it feels real to them, but that it is not really happening.
* Turn a soft light on.
* Turn triggering music or television shows off. 
* Get to know the survivor's triggers as well as you can.
* Help to ground the survivor. Encourage them to take slow, gentle breaths. Tell them they are remembering. Talk softly to the survivor. Remind her of where she is. Ask her to describe her surroundings to you. Point out the fact that the abuser is not present. Remember that she may not be able to respond to you, but often is aware of your voice.
* Consider placing your hand on her hand or arm (not on the stomach, thigh, etc). This may trigger her further, but may also remind her of where she is.
* Inform the survivor of the importance of flashbacks. They are an opportunity to learn and understand. They are often seen as an indication that the person is ready to remember; that the body has information to share. Many people are very frustrated by lack of memory; flashbacks can validate a survivor's experience.

Most important is to get to know the survivor and what works and what doesn't. There's not a lot you can do during situations like this, which can be frustrating. Just be there for her during and after the flashback. Don't press her to talk about it, and avoid triggering her further. If she wants to discuss what just happened, be open to that, while at the same time being aware that many of the emotions she felt during the rape or abuse may be present now.



What survivors want you to know...
* We often take a lot of responsibility for the abuse. Telling us it is not our fault may help to lessen the guilt of shame, but it can't take it away.
* We deal with a lot of shame. Please don't shame a survivor. It is the pattern we are trying to break.
* The healing process for a survivor may take years. We may be in and out of therapy several times. New memories may surface, and new experiences may trigger us.
* People who are survivors are often caretakers. It is a survival technique. It takes a long time to unlearn that behavior.
* Survivors often resent being judged. We have judged and punished ourselves for years. We are usually harder on ourselves that anyone else can be.
* People who are survivors don't want your pity.
* Don't try to excuse the abuser's behavior.
* Don't categorize survivors. Each case of abuse, although it may be similar, is a unique case. We don't all follow the same pattern of healing or behavior.
* Not all survivors have clear memories of the abuse or assault. We may need to deal with that lack of memories on a regular basis.
* Even if we are safe now, we still may be fearful of our attacker or abuser.
* Talking about it means "breaking the secret." Many of us are faced with the terror "breaking the secret" every time we talk about the abuse.
* If a survivor chooses to talk to you about the abuse or assault, and you are uncomfortable about it, please say so. Let the survivor know you aren't uncomfortable with them, only the issue. The offer to find someone who is comfortable with the issue.
* Please don't ask a survivor to forgive and forget. First of all, there is nothing we would rather do than be able to forget. But we can't--we have to learn how to deal with it.
* Please don't ask a survivor if they are done dealing with it yet. That is a shaming question. The process of healing may take an entire lifetime.
the above was adapted from a list in the Minnesota Coalition Against Sexual Assault/Training Manual. 

[Printable PDF version of this article]

A Blue Christmas? #Christmas #depression #SAD

This is a reblog of a post I wrote around this time last year. Much has changed for me during 2012 and I have found myself dreading the coming of December. Not working means there is little spare money this year. I even thought of cancelling Christmas... Common sense prevailed and it's been decided to have a lean Christmas.

 The past year has taught me a lot about myself, I've unearthed many childhood memories (good as well as bad) and I have fought and defeated many demons. Friendships have grown from surprising places and I've been blessed by these. The biggest lesson I've learnt this year is that I am even more of a survivor than I thought I was. My childhood was much more damaging than I'd thought a year ago and my adult life was deeply affected  by this.

 I've grown and developed more as an adult. I no longer seek to be the man I was born to be... I am becoming the man I want to be. This is my life! If I can do something, anything, to help others who suffered as I did and if I can raise enough awareness about the issues of childhood sexual abuse I might even save someone else from being a victim. That is my Christmas wish this year.

Blue Christmas?

Christmas is coming...... I have always loved Christmas, the build up, the sharing, time with friends and family. Almost every year as an adult I end up depressed....

It has improved over the last few years. Acknowledging the fact it exists, and then sharing that knowledge is so important. I know now the reasons why I struggle over Christmas.. A need to please, wanting everything to go well, I plan and prepare and plot too much. The grandfather was born on Christmas Day... That used to really bug me. Gifts I received for Christmas used to vanish soon afterwards and I'd get the blame. In truth he sold them to pay for his Whisky habit...

I almost got into that "habit" myself as an adult. Drink was such an easy escape, then mornings came and feelings of guilt, shame and the hangover. I hid this for years. It was always worse at Christmas. Now I enjoy an occasional drink, but stick to the milder varieties and rarely get drunk.

I spent a couple of Christmases totally alone, not seeing anyone. I hated it and now if I hear of anyone spending the day alone I invite them over. Christmas is no time to be alone.

‘Tis the season to be jolly..... Apparently December is not only the month where depression is most likely to hit you but it also has the highest rate of suicides. It’s the month where family and friends should be getting together, where you plan your Christmas and decorate the home etc.

Many things can trigger deeper depression in December...

Loneliness, bereavement and grieving, failed business or loss of a job. The breakup of a relationship. Ill health generally.  All likely to set you on the road to depression at any time, but worse at this time of year.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D) adds to the equation. I love Christmas but hate the short days and cold wet weather..

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

Coping with depression is bad enough, but trying to do so when everyone else is extra happy makes it harder to reach out, to ask for help. We don't want to stand out from the crowd so instead we cut ourselves off. Not wanting to drag others down into our depression we stand alone, and watch from the sidelines.
Instances of depression are higher in those who have suffered trauma in their earlier lives. At a time of year where people are getting together to celebrate, those with depression are most likely to feel more isolated. Unable to join in, to embrace the season of good will, they sink further and further into a pit of gloom.
Alone in crowd. I have often felt most lonely when there are people hustling and bustling around me, laughing and joking. Not wanting to spoil their festive fun I would either paint a false smile on my face or just vanish into the shadows. Christmas can be a very stressful time for anyone. For those prone to depression it can be a nightmare.

Though there has been more publicity over the issue of Christmas depression in recent years, it is still not understood. The most important thing you can do is tell someone how you feel. Reach out before the season starts and share. Communication is much easier now. Social media and the internet generally helps bring people together. Telephone someone, talk to someone. See your Doctor or Priest, just don't sit at home alone. There is no shame in admitting that you get depressed and you may be suprised to find others feeling the same way. All to often those who find themselves getting depressed do nothing about it.
Depression can deeply affect your life. It can sneak up and disrupt your work, your home life, your health generally and can lead you to neglect those around you that need you well. Grab a hold of the problem and do something about it.The most important thing is to reach out, ask for help, talk to someone.

Don't let depression destroy your Christmas or that of those around you. The power to do something about it is in your hands. Do you want to become another statistic? Please remember there is no shame in asking for help. This is the season of goodwill to all men and if Scrooge can do it then so can you. 

If you are prone to Christmas depression then reach out, tell someone. Seek help if needs be.

If you know someone who appears to be slipping into a depression or who always gets the winter blues reach out to them. It won't kill you and you might just save a life.

Be nice to yourself, be kind to yourself. The greatest gift is that of love so remember to love yourself too.

R.I.P My Best Friend Ever - Penny

A photo tribute to my best friend of over 20 years, Penny. Penny was a rescue dog, a Parsons Jack Russel. She passed away peacefully in her sleep today. She will be sorely missed.

For You - My New Friends

Per tutti voi, che camminiamo a testa alta lungo la strada.

Para todos ustedes que andemos con la cabeza alta por el camino.

May you walk with head held high.

Today I shared

No more Freaky Fridays for me. Today I shared this blog with someone I have known for over 15 years. I have spent my life hiding, lying and cheating, avoiding and denying my way through. So much of what has come out I hid from myself. I was not able to cope with it. Few of US can.

The reaction to my sharing was this:-

"Woah, man!

I had an idea of some but to such a degree?? Not at all."

I am sure he will not mind me posting that line. He is a good friend, one of those who is there even if you don't have daily, weekly, monthly or even yearly contact. One of the very few I can trust.

Sitting in quiet contemplation I have looked back at my wasted life. I have now been able to see clearly patterns of behaviour, cycles of living, ways to cope that I have been through. I have been driven by a need to belong. To be wanted. The survival instinct in me has taken me to some extremes of behaviour, I am not proud of many of them.

Survived is what I have done, sometimes by the skin of my teeth, sometimes despite my own best efforts to destroy myself.

I have survived. That in itself is revenge. Those family members who said to me I would never amount to anything were wrong. Just carrying on a semblance of a normal life was revenge, surviving. Being a success, being able to totally move on, being able to share my experiences and looking to help others is my goal.

I want to live my life, not survive.

The Boy That Lived.

Reach Out to You by Brandon Christopher

Check out this video and song by musician Brandon Christopher.



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