If #poetry

If forever is something
that I can explain
Will I trade you that knowledge
when you whisper my name
If confusion and desperation
are things I understand
Would healing come faster
from the warmth of my hand
If trust is a thing
that I cannot hold
Will our happiness be something
that’s never foretold
And if this is true
Can we feed on our insanity
And live in this world
of frustration and vanity
When that something inside you
decides to stop yearning
You’ll find me wherever
a fire is burning

The Secret Garden Of My Fears #poetry #depression

Here I am again, alone
under the pensive moonlight
painting the leaves with
silent songs of sadness.

The rainbow of my moods, crushed,
to a single dreary hue.
The womb of my longings, gutted,
coloring the carpet of withered blooms.

No more summer blue skies ...
Just wintry nights ...

The safety of my innocence, picked,
my intellect, raped,
the river of my thoughts, sullied,
My heart, stilled.

I walk through my secret garden,
the secret garden of my fears.
Alone.

The Voice Of Silence #childabuse #poetry

Listen the voice of my Silence
My words travel without sound
I met a fallen star on my way
It told me I should open up and cry
I told myself I don't go there anymore

The moon lights the full dew fields
She's filled with beauty and so bright,
but so sad and alone, all stars wish upon her
But her pride keeps her higher
I wanted to reach her by a jump
I needed her light to find my way out

When hearts sleep and souls dream
She's still there in the starry sky
Condemned to be beautiful, yet alone

The light so warm and golden will light the way
And the morning sky will sweep away the stars
That happily lie on a black blanket
The hearts wake up again, a day is come
The flash of a blood-stained sun covers
My eyes, and the way I will not find anymore

And I will wander again without directions
Watching faces both weeping and joyful
That mix in my dead and lonely mind
I will wander looking for this warm light
That comforted me in the cold night
But I know I will find nothing
And so I will stop another time,

Listen to the voice of my silence
The Words do flow like a river
And I will wait for the return of my Moon
Bringing with her a light so bright and sweet
No confusion, she will take me on my way
We will dance and talk all night
When Hearts and Souls dream tender

Demons Of Despair

The world is crashing down

Just a few days ago I was happy as a clown.
I wandered this earth in the security of a love bubble
Laughing away problems with the ease of a chuckle.

The bubble has been shattered
My bloated body lay battered.
An army of demons demolished my happiness
And doomed me to live an eternity in loneliness.

My self belief has vanished
My dignity has been banished.
My heart is shattered, my mind in turmoil
A simple thought of my reality sends the blood to boil.

I have nothing left
Because of this theft;
My dreams are gone
So I am forced to await the dawn.

Hoping that with the coming of the new day,
A sign will come that everything will be okay.
Desperately I wait, like a dying patient for a cure,
The coming of a new life, pristine and pure.

I hope with this new life, There will be no strife.
My heart will begin repair, Ridding itself of despair,
Regaining its capacity
to care.

The dust in my mind will begin to settle,
Blood will no longer boil like a tea kettle.
Happiness will reign again like a king on his throne,
All that is left of my former life is a pile of rotting bones.

For a new day has dawned,
A new life has spawned.
Time will heal all wounds love can cause;
Yet fate has its claws,

Deep within me.
Love is the key, to survival,
Life without love is no life at all.
Though love is the demon known to maul

Anyone that touches it or gets too close by;
Leaving the desperate for love, to suffer, and die.....

I smile to myself. It feels familiar. 

It's time to go. My horns need polishing.

The Despairing Man

A heaviness weighs upon me, crushing my spirit with an uncaring ease
This rollercoaster no fairground ride, more a living hell, why do I struggle
A day of feeling unworthy, a day where the silver lining is soiled and peeling
Why should I bother when for each step forward I am kicked back three.

To reach this point has been no easy task, the decision to go on based more
On the needs of others, not my own. I feel unable to do this just for me.
Not yet, not now. Later. Those damn tears threaten to break free, but
They remain trapped in a time now long past, yet as fresh as yesterday.

Trying do do right, I appear to be doing opposite. This cloud of despair renewed
Though I thought it dissipating. No. To truely be free of my demons might be
one step that I am not able to make. Not yet, one day, perhaps. We'll see.
A heaviness weighs upon me, I have not the strength to resist.

Aug 19 2011

Lingering in the darkness #childabuse #poetry

Lingering in the darkness

unseeing, fearing, fearing 

not the dark, but the light

fearing the light

for with the light comes discovery

with discovery comes him

with him comes a touch

oh, what a dirty touch

why oh why

what have I done wrong?

this is normal, he says

this is our little secret, he says

you tell anyone, I’ll kill you..

maybe death would be better

he could not touch me then 

he could not touch me in all

those private places

he says he loves me

I should love him

but I don’t 

I can’t

I won’t

there is no escape

only death might suffice

his death

or mine

and then

maybe

not

The Little Boy #childabuse

There MUST be an end to the sexual, physical and emotional ABUSE of children. In this age of the Internet and social media, we have a real chance to make a difference. Let's all stand united against this heinous CRIME. 

Together we CAN make a difference.

The Little Boy

The little boy is locked in the cupboard again.
He tastes blood in his mouth.
The little boy can't see inside the cupboard.
It's oh so black.
The little boy is hungry.
Again.
The little boy is black and blue.
Again.

The little boy is locked inside the cupboard
Again.
He tastes hate in his mouth.
The little boy can see clearly inside his head.
His mind is oh so sharp.
The little boy is plotting.
Again.
The little boy is planning.
Again.

The little boy is locked inside the cupboard.
Again
He tastes the barrel of the gun in his mouth.
The little boy can see freedom even in the blackness.
The desire is oh so strong.
The little boy has to be courageous.
Again.
The little boy is praying.
Again.

The little boy is locked in the cupboard.
Again.
He can taste nothing anymore.
The little boy has freedom from the pain.
His body is oh so limp.
The little boy is flying.
Finally.
The little boy is smiling.
Finally.

The Sound Of Goodbye

From my first book - 

Beyond Survivor – Rising from the Ashes of Childhood Sexual Abuse

You'll just never know

So many emotions I choose not to show..

Just because my eyes don't cry

Doesn't mean my heart doesn't weep.

Just because I appear strong,

Doesn't mean there's nothing wrong.

I'm going to smile...and make you think I'm happy

I'm going to laugh...so you don't see me cry...

Even if it kills me...I'm going to smile.

Sometimes the pain's too strong to bare...

Life gets so hard you just don't care.

You feel so alone you just sit and cry...

Every second you wish you could die.

Then you start thinking who would care

If one day they woke up and

You were no longer there..

I've been weak and I've been strong.

I've been through the fire

I've been through the storm.

Try to do right and I know I do wrong.

Just be happy for me when my life is gone.

With no more hurt and no more tears,

There will be no more pain and no more fears.

No more people in my face that are not sincere.

So smile for me when I'm no longer here.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I don't know what I want to see.

My world use to be worth living for,

Now it's hard enough just to be me

I'm not afraid of the gun in my hand,

I'm not afraid of dying,

I'm just afraid of the pain it will bring,

Not to me, but to you...

The gun is shaking in my hands

All I hear is the sound...

Of goodbye....

The Dragons Of Light #poetry #hope

As the last dragon clung to her lonely rock,
She knew all she had left was a tick on her clock.

For the land was in turmoil, they said she was to blame,
So they sent forth a soldier to put out her flame.

Now blood poured forth from the gash in her side,
Flowing into the sea to go out with the tide.

She opened her maws and let out a wail,
Her eyes filled with pain as she heaved her great tail.

She knew it was time, she knew she would die,
So she spewed out her eggs into sea and to sky.

They floated around for a thousand years,
They floated in pain, they floated in tears.

They drifted around in mankind's grime,
They drifted around until it was time.

To awaken us all from the fear we'd begun,
To the knowledge within us, the light we'd become.

And now they are moving and pulsing inside,
Inside our hearts and inside our minds.

Emerging in thoughts and in dreams in the night,
The dragons within us, the dragons of light.

 

Blue Hearted Melancholy #poetry

A single heart,
Blue and alone,
Sitting always,
On it's own.

Crying and torn,
Waiting in sorrow,
So melancholy,
For a better tomorrow.

Without another,
It's broken in two,
Wondering forever,
Will it find love that's true.

Tears escape,
Dreams shattered,
Not special enough,
Nothing else mattered.

Chances blown,
For together, forever,
Not meant to be?
Yeah right, whatever!

The Lonely Traveler #ChildAbuse #Therapy #Poem

The Lonely Traveler

I wonder why, you choose to travel, solely on your own, 

ignoring help, that’s yours to have, by picking up the phone.

Depriving you and those you love, of comfort and support,

maintaining independence, far more fiercely than you ought.

Whilst those that love you, hearts in pain, just look on in despair,

You travel down your lonely path, as if they were not there.

Yet who is forcing you to choose, this isolated path,

that leaves behind the ones you love, strew in the aftermath.

That builds a wall so thick and cold, around your inner you,

that hides your feelings, keeps your soul, so sadly out of view.

What’s driving you, to dis-erect relationships held dear, 

to push away the ones you love, whenever they get near.

What childhood script, or view of life, is guiding you this way,

So shackled with a heavy heard, that’s causing you dismay.

And all along the way you speak, your metaphors profound,

expose the view you have of you, your self esteem unsound.

It seems you need to hold a view, you’'ve lodged inside your soul,

of you unworthy, undeserved, unlovable and cold.

And yet I know, that deep inside, where no-one else can see,

There lives a child, that’s crying out, just begging to be free.

You long to feel the joys of life, to laugh and sing again,

to reach out to the ones she loves, completely free of pain.

You long for stroking, light and love, for spiritual release, 

to free your own creative self and live in perfect peace.

If you would only smash that wall, you built around yourself,

you’d see a crowd of loving folks, just waiting there to help.

You’d find that every one of them, without a “string” in sight,

would love to lend a loving hand, to help you with your fight.

You’re blessed with very caring friends, for whom your welfare’s theirs,

whose loving hearts would love to help, to supplement their prayers.

For goodness sake, just take a look outside your wall and pause, 

to feel the loving and support that’s yours and yours and yours.

You might then throw away that script, that’s driving you right now,

might tear it up and burn it too, it’s useless anyhow.

And when you do, your life will change, your struggling will cease,

and you’ll discover lasting love and tranquil inner peace.

Unknown

A Sad and Lonely Man :- Poem and Video

So gently flows the breeze

The streetlamp lights the sky

I whisper in the dark

a saddened lullaby

For now I'm left alone

with nothing else to share

A sad and lonely man

in need of loving care

Beneath the distant plains

of somewhere long ago

lie memories and dreams

and thoughts that lost their glow

Is this that all could be

A silent lonesome prayer

of destiny foretold

and covered with despair

Video by my good friend Roan.

A Midnight Waltz #Poetry #Halloween

A midnight waltz with a fallen angel
And your dreams will be fulfilled
The stars will twinkle with the beat
Of knowledge for which some have killed
Behind the curtain of darkness
Lies a single ray of light
Shadows of the past at your heels
A pain that holds you tight
I come to you with a simple offer
A dance to meet your every goal
I'll give you your dreams on a burning plate
But in return, in return, I want your soul
My enchanting tune will lure you in
And test the power of your will
While a breeze of suppression hides the truth
My intent is purely ill
I'll take the form of anything
To beguile you with my charm
Don't worry! It's just a little dance
How could it bring you harm?
A moonlit dance with destiny
Will cure you of all your ills
Will you be able to withstand the temptation
Or will you submit to a midnight waltz?

It's Too Late #poetry

I look out the window and see the world.
I ask myself, "Is life worth living?"
The loneliness, depression, heartache and pain
Are all presents I'm used to receiving.

I'm sick of being alone all of the time.
I want someone there who I can talk to.
I'm sick of trying and I'm sick of crying.
What in the hell am I supposed to do?

Am I supposed to keep on looking?
Wasting time and shattering dreams?
Or do I look in another direction?
It's so much harder than it seems.

How much longer can I handle rejection?
Stupidity allows me to fall again.
All I want is love in return
But gambling teaches us that we can't win.

I look out the window and see the world.
I hope to find the answers out there.
All I see is couples expressing affection.
I realise that no one will ever care.

I turn away and start to cry.
Of course no one is there to wipe my tears.
They fall down my cheek. Salt gets in my mouth.
It's time to annihilate my fears.

I'm not trying to appear weak,
It's just my heart can only be stabbed so much.
All I ask is for a painless affection.
I hunger for another's touch.

I realise it's all a waste of time.
I can't keep on living this way.
I guess I'm asking for too much.
I'd give anything to have the pain go away.

I jump out the window and see the world.
I wish someone was here to relate.
As I fall I notice the wind wipes my tears.
I don't want to die but;

It's too late.

Sept 1998

Never Will Be #poetry #childabuse #survivors

Never Will Be

 

The cold cuts through me -
bloody and deep.
I want to get warm,
but all I can do is sit and weep.

you left me broken and hurt
and feeling depressed.
I said I was sorry and I love you,
but you weren't impressed.

we fought about the abuse
and you didn't believe me .
I tried to explain it all -
how else would a child know what I saw?

I felt his body on top of me,
heavy and hot
and I cried out in pain
as I fought with everything I got.

he says he does it
because he loves me,
but what kind of love is that?
the truth I just cant see.

I want to be warm
but you left me.
I want you to believe,
but it never will be

© Tabatha U.

Source: Poem About My Past Sexual Abuse, Never Will Be http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/never-will-be#ixzz2KLHNq1We
www.FamilyFriendPoems.com 

A New Dawn #childabuse #survivors #book #poetry

A New Dawn is one of my favourite poems from my book, Beyond Survivor - Rising From The Ashes of Childhood Sexual Abuse.

I offer it to you here in a hope to show there is hope, that the journey to healing is worth the pain and heartache it can bring.

My heart's empty hallways echo forlornly,

My eyes but broken windows to my soul,

Blinded by my own fractured self,

So that I would be ignorant to truth.

My flesh aching and writhing in remembrance,

Spirit disfigured and grounded with clipped wings,

Silent tears fall for an innocence long dead

But beneath the chaos a light flickers dimly.

From the all consuming madness comes hope,

A new tomorrow, a new dawn, a new hope,

Out of the ashes of a childhood destroyed,

I will rise, stand firm and be strong.

Promise Of Spring #poetry #poem

Forlorn trees stand

cold and alone,

their long dark fingers

stripped of green summer gloves

reaching out towards

a steely grey sky

searching out the warmth

of a long-forgotten sun

they cannot find.

The snow will come soon.

At first, in its

virgin white form,

lessening the harshness

of the bleak, moorish landscape.

But, as it thaws,

the bleakness returns;

broken only by all too occasional

glorious sunsets.

And so this is winter.

This is all there is

Until brief days

grow steadily longer.

And brave snowdrops

first dare to raise

their fragile heads,

hoping, at long last,

That Spring has come.

'Twas the night before Christmas.. #poetry #Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the joint.
Not a single decoration, I don't see the point...

No holly, no cards, no lit Christmas tree.

Why should I bother when it's only me?

This time of year just makes me feel blue.

Each year it's less likely my dream will come true.
I have only one wish to make my star shine.

All that I ask, is for someone that's mine!

Another year gone, what more can I do?
I'd do anything for a life lived as two.
I fall down on my knees and desperately pray.
"Please give me the courage to last one more day."

When out on the grounds, an ear piercing scream.

Just like every night when I wake from a dream.....
I run to the window and throw on a coat.

And there I see Santa, face down in my moat.

I'm in awe for a moment, then my jaw hits the ground.

His sleigh is loaded with presents abound.
I drool just thinking of what there could be.
But where will he put her? I don't have a tree.

He starts to get up and wring out his clothes.

Underneath him, his helper, with mud up his nose.

I laugh and yell down, "Don't worry little elf.

It's not deep enough to drown! I've tried it my self!"

Then POOF! They're inside. Like magic I say....

How else could they travel the world in one day?

And with that magic, they're now as clean as can be.

I find it quite hard to believe what I see.

He was fat as could be, I just had to chuckle.
His belt must have had a titanium buckle.
Dressed in red and white fur, from head to toe.

He pulls a tree from his sack. "Now where should this go?"

He pulls out some presents, some big and some small.
But I'm still waiting for the best present of all.
I tell him I've been good, as I pour him some brandy.
Hoping the next one pulled out is my beautiful Sandy.

I've been in love with this girl since the first time I saw her.
And I've told Santa this every year in my letter.
I try to hold on till the end of each year.
But they all end the same as I sob in my beer.

As he pulls the last present, he lets out a snicker.
It's hand soap and towels in a basket of wicker.
He turns to me and gives his shoulders a shrug.
Then stands back up and gives his pants a good tug.

"No Sandy for you." He says with a grin.
"You'll never get her, no matter how good you've been.
You don't have a chance Danny, I've told you before."
He drinks up his brandy and then pours out some more.

I lower my head in disgust and in shame.
Knowing there's only one person to blame.
I head to the window and pity myself.
Look down at my feet and see that damn elf.

"At least you're not me." He says with a frown.
"You don't have to live with this overdressed clown."
Then Santa walks over and gets in his face.
"Don't mess with me punk. I'll put you in your place."

"Nice." Says the elf. "Can we go now, please?
The reindeer outside are starting to freeze."
"Ok." Says Santa. "Our work here is done.
Let's find some more losers and have some more fun."

Then POOF! They were gone. Right out of sight.
Quick as a comet that streaks through the night.
Then I heard him shout out, as I stood there dumbstruck
"Come sit on my knee Sandy, he's moved on, you're out of luck."

I sit in the floor, my heart broken in two
Santa's got my Sandy, There's nothing I can do.......
♪ ♫ ♬ Love has flown I'm all alone,

I sit and wonder why-y-y oh why you left me, oh

Sandy.......♪ ♫ ♬


1999

Mistletoe Kisses - Mistletoe Wishes #poetry #Christmas

'twas Christmas Eve,  the night we met

Was it fate or something more amazing yet?

A Christmas gift from up above?

The magical, wondrous gift of love...

Was there something in the firelight

That brought us close that frosty night

Something stirred, the embers glowed

We sat together, our stories flowed.

Two strangers brought together by fate

Huddled close by the fire grate

Our eyes met, yours shone so bright

Two souls entwined, our hearts took flight

We danced that night, under the Christmas lights

Nowhere to go, we'd missed our flights

We fell in love forever, we just didn't know

When we first kissed under the mistletoe...

Powerless At 3am #poetry #depression

So this is how it comes:
in the dark of early morning
reaching for light that doesn't come
you look to the not glowing
alarm clock...
The darkness
is partially interrupted
by flashes of lightning that
shatter the shadows
throughout
the house, and you wonder
if you are alone
as you get up and make
for the kitchen...
You try another light and it doesn't come
but you have been up too long now
no point in sleep, you know what time it is
and no one else is here anyway, take out
a match and light a candle, leftover from Christmas
because the darkness is almost unbearable;
you cannot make out the colour of your own flesh,
and it helps to know you are here, anyway...
You know know what time it is,
and you are sitting in a room
listening to your whole world thunder
and crash, and to the sound
of him or her not snoring
in the bedroom, and watching
the whiteness of the lightning,
no longer spider-like, throw itself
out toward the black sky
like a fisherman's net, and
resurfacing with nothing...
And maybe, just maybe
one night that lightning
will go out once and come back;
catch those damn stars
and send you one or two to keep...
As long as they aren't the
same ones
that keep you up
counting wishes and stars
when there are no clouds out
and it's not raining.
Again powerless at 3am