We live and through doing so, we learn.
Learnt behaviour has been playing on my mind. Behaviour learnt both in childhood as well as in adulthood.
As victims of childhood sexual crimes we were invariably conditioned to believe the abuser/s. Our innocence was ripped from us along with trust and the chance of a normal childhood.
Many victims of childhood sexual abuse become trapped within a cycle later in their lives. Abusive relationships become the norm, whatever form the later abuse takes. The victim only knows abuse and so ends up in adult relationships within which they are again abused. This may be down to a feeling of being unworthy of a healthy, nurturing adult relationship.
I know that this was true in my own case. I felt dirty and unworthy of happiness. I sought out damaging relationships. Subconsciously maybe, but seek them I did.
With that most amazing of things called hindsight I can see an obvious pattern. If I wasn't in an abusive relationship I punished myself in other ways. To be honest I also punished myself whilst in the relationships.
The conditioned "fact" that I was lower than the low permeated every aspect of my life. What a blind fool I was.
The past few years have had several highs and corresponding lows. Disclosure is both freeing but can leave one feeling vulnerable and exposed. It is worth it though. I'm not saying it's easy because it isn't. One day you will reach a point where a realisation dawns on you.
YOU are worthy. Try reading this list out loud to yourself..
1 - I will not be disrespected
2 - If I am not a priority then walk away from me.
3 - I am worthy and deserve to be treated well.
4 - Treat me badly and watch me walk away.
5 - I can appreciate that we all have problems to deal with.
6 - Good manners cost nothing.
7 - I am stronger than I thought I was.
8 - I am worthy of respectful love.
9 - Mess with me and I'll chew your head off.
10 - I think I'm very awesome.
2 - If I am not a priority then walk away from me.
3 - I am worthy and deserve to be treated well.
4 - Treat me badly and watch me walk away.
5 - I can appreciate that we all have problems to deal with.
6 - Good manners cost nothing.
7 - I am stronger than I thought I was.
8 - I am worthy of respectful love.
9 - Mess with me and I'll chew your head off.
10 - I think I'm very awesome.
You may be a victim of crime, but as you have got this far you are in truth the victor! You survived. You lived. You are here today to tell your own truth. You DO NOT deserve second best.
Stand tall, stand proud and rid yourself of those that do not support you, those that blame you, those that enjoy your pain, those that doubt you and those that treat you as a second class person.
Embrace those that truly support you, that stand with you. Some would take a bullet for you, they are most definitely worth hanging onto at all costs.
YOU are not dirty. YOU are worthy. YOU deserve a happy and fulfilling life, no matter what age you are.
Speak your truth. Speak your mind. Be open to others that are open and honest with you.
There may be bumpy roads ahead, but if you hold firm to the truth and value yourself, then the bumps will be worth it.
You're not a victim, you are a survivor, you have been victorious. Your enjoyment of life will be the best slap in the face of those that doubted you, those that hurt you, that you could ever hope for.
Life is for living, not for grieving.
Take chances. Believe not only in yourself but also that you are worthy of lifes treasures.
Be happy. Break the ties that bind you!!!
2 comments:
I love this, Jan! It's true, you can get into a rut, digging it deeper with every step you take in it. It is so good to know you are working your way out of yours, and you sharing this is an inspiration to others. YAY!!!
With every abusive relationship we plant our roots more firmly into the pattern and the cycle continues. I hurt when I read this only because I know the truth you speak. Your message may hurt with truth but it may also change lives for the better. Peace n Love x
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