Perfectly Broken #mentalhealth #life #WorldMentalHealthDay

Define perfection for me...

I am far from perfect, in fact I would say I am quite imperfect in most ways.

  

I don't have an ego, let alone a big one most of the time. I am simply everything... I use the word ego loosely. I have self worth so therefore have a sense of ego. It is rarely, but can be, over inflated. Learning to accept that "I" was enough took a long time, even if I was the only one who thought so. 

I have fought to stand up for myself in this imperfect little world. I have learnt that I do have some value despite the efforts of so many in the past to totally erase any such thoughts. Having some realisation of self worth is important. I am a stubborn bull too.. I have taken a long time to use my voice and I am not easily silenced these days. Truth be told, I am far more dangerous when forced into silence than if I am allowed to express myself. If I feel slighted or aggrieved it is far better to hear me out than to let my volcanic juices simmer into boiling point. I am fair, I am kind, I will listen to others points of view. With regards my stubborn bull, you have to remember that I have fought hard to become who I am. I may well often be wrong but I retain the right to express my opinion and to be heard. In circumstances where I feel I am being ignored or squashed I will eventually explode and quite possibly cut off my own nose to spite my face. This is a fault of mine. It all comes down to priorities.

I have never claimed sanity amongst the few values I do attribute to myself. Sanity is purely a state of mind and that state has different levels of socially acceptable norm in different cultures.  I am broken, however that has made me stronger and possibly even better than I would have been. This reminds me of the Japanese art of Kintsukori, which means "to repair with gold". It is the art of repairing pottery with gold or another precious metal and understanding that the piece is both more beautiful and valuable for having been broken.

I have many broken friends, and the broken in me bows to the broken in them.

I do believe in loyalty and standing by those that we love. At any cost. I believe that long term personal relationships (romantic love) should become before family and friends as long as the relationship is not suffocating or controlling. Again there will be differences in what each party will consider to be controlling behaviour and such should be worked out without confrontation and hopefully with give and take from both sides. I consider myself to be loyal and true, a good person. I know I have faults, many of them, but disloyalty or betrayal is not amongst them. Insecurity is something that I have always suffered with. I was so brow beaten into believing I would amount to nothing as a child and young adult. Some family members betrayed me and were disloyal to me. It caused a number of trust issues, many of which I have overcome. Many I have not. Some of my reactions to events might seem over the top to a lot of people, to me they make sense. I do not trust easily and if my trust is broken the consequences can be far reaching. One particular family member hounded me for most of my life. Karma has dealt with them. 

Being "broken" has it's up and downsides in the present day. Some things have made me more resilient whilst others have left me with people issues. I think I am a pretty good judge of character, I observe a great deal. I am slow to get to know new people and do sometimes even then make mistakes. I am human after all. I hate it when a reaction I may have which is quite normal to most people is seen or defined as "because of the past" or because I have insecurities. I hate being walked over, my worries and concerns ignored or put down to my being not quite right in the head. In love I need to be told often that I am important, that I am loved. I need my feelings to be considered and even if it means a sacrifice, I need that sacrifice to be performed. This is only ever over major issues, major to me anyway. 

I can put up with a lot of pain from people, I have a thick skin. The problem is that if I have let you through to my inner world and you then hurt me it will take a lot of effort from you to put that right. The inner me is gentle and easily hurt.  That does not mean I am weak. 

I believe in an eye for an eye. The exceptions are when no harm was intended. Again the act of what harms one might be something that would not harm another. If that is the case I believe in forgiveness. I would not expect that harm to be replicated in the future however. If you know something offends or harms someone you should do all possible to ensure that possible future instances of that harm is minimalised. Understanding that we are not all the same, that we all have different triggers and tastes will hopefully lead to a more stable and mutually beneficial state of being. Never underestimate me. 

I have experienced life on many levels. I have lived and have a lot more living to do.Life is a journey and we are not given a road map. We may, if lucky, be given pointers but for the most part we must work our own way through life. Many of us may be fortunate enough to meet someone who can walk with us, at whatever stage we are at. Someone who we can trust with our very being. Life is short, no matter what your belief in afterlife, rebirth, or returning to cosmic dust or electron particles. Make the most of it.

Live Your Life, Be Free.. #childabuse #survivors

We live and through doing so, we learn. 

Learnt behaviour has been playing on my mind. Behaviour learnt both in childhood as well as in adulthood. 

As victims of childhood sexual crimes we were invariably conditioned to believe the abuser/s. Our innocence was ripped from us along with trust and the chance of a normal childhood.

Many victims of childhood sexual abuse become trapped within a cycle later in their lives. Abusive relationships become the norm, whatever form the later abuse takes. The victim only knows abuse and so ends up in adult relationships within which they are again abused. This may be down to a feeling of being unworthy of a healthy, nurturing adult relationship. 

I know that this was true in my own case. I felt dirty and unworthy of happiness. I sought out damaging relationships. Subconsciously maybe, but seek them I did. 

With that most amazing of things called hindsight I can see an obvious pattern. If I wasn't in an abusive relationship I punished myself in other ways. To be honest I also punished myself whilst in the relationships. 

The conditioned "fact" that I was lower than the low permeated every aspect of my life. What a blind fool I was.

The past few years have had several highs and corresponding lows. Disclosure is both freeing but can leave one feeling vulnerable and exposed. It is worth it though. I'm not saying it's easy because it isn't. One day you will reach a point where a realisation dawns on you.

YOU are worthy.  Try reading this list out loud to yourself..

1 - I will not be disrespected
2 - If I am not a priority then walk away from me.
3 - I am worthy and deserve to be treated well.
4 - Treat me badly and watch me walk away.
5 - I can appreciate that we all have problems to deal with.
6 - Good manners cost nothing.
7 - I am stronger than I thought I was.
8 - I am worthy of respectful love.
9 - Mess with me and I'll chew your head off.
10 - I think I'm very awesome.

You may be a victim of crime, but as you have got this far you are in truth the victor! You survived. You lived. You are here today to tell your own truth. You DO NOT deserve second best. 

Stand tall, stand proud and rid yourself of those that do not support you, those that blame you, those that enjoy your pain, those that doubt you and those that treat you as a second class person. 

Embrace those that truly support you, that stand with you. Some would take a bullet for you, they are most definitely worth hanging onto at all costs.

YOU are not dirty. YOU are worthy. YOU deserve a happy and fulfilling life, no matter what age you are. 

Speak your truth. Speak your mind. Be open to others that are open and honest with you. 

There may be bumpy roads ahead, but if you hold firm to the truth and value yourself, then the bumps will be worth it. 

You're not a victim, you are a survivor, you have been victorious.  Your enjoyment of life will be the best slap in the face of those that doubted you, those that hurt you, that you could ever hope for.

Life is for living, not for grieving. 

Take chances. Believe not only in yourself but also that you are worthy of lifes treasures. 

Be happy. Break the ties that bind you!!!

A Time Of Reflection

I've been feeling contemplative over the last day or so. Looking back at old photos of myself it's obvious to me at which times I was at war with myself, when I was in pain and the few times when I was happy.  Then there are big gaps where I'd refuse to have my photo taken, or I'd destroy them.  The eyes reveal most and then the smile, or lack thereof.  I tended to smile with lips closed from late 20s onwards. I was conscious of my teeth being crooked and some missing. 

Many of the photos I have no recollection of being taken at all. My eyes haunt me in several.  I seem like a broken puppet. No control or spark of life in them at all. Now I know why.

I don't trust easily, I don't open up easily. I am wary of being used or hurt. Writing this blog took a huge leap of faith and a load of courage.

I have had to disassemble myself, to totally lose control of everything, before I could start to reassemble and in so doing take control of my own destiny. I'll never be who I should have been gad my life not been blighted. I think I'll be better, stronger and far more empathic. I will reach out and touch other lives with kindness and compassion. 

I also found more filled writing books. Scribbles, poems, stories, song ideas etc etc. I shall take a good look through those this holiday weekend. 

I have been chatting about dreams and the like with someone very close to me. I don't recall most, but some have repeated so often over the decades that I know them inside out. They normally repeat once or twice a year at most. This last fortnight I've been swamped by them.

I feel something in the air, some big event is going to happen in the next year or so. I know I've posted about changes etc recently, but this is something very different. This goes very very deep on all levels. 

My co-author has given me a deadline to get our book finished by too. I'm up for the challenge Donna! 

I don't do this as often as I should.. Thank you for following this humble blog and for taking the time to read, comment and then share its content on social media. 

Wishing you all a good holiday weekend, whichever path you walk. 

Change Is Coming

 

The past few weeks have been difficult. Health issues have been plaguing me and I always feel as if the world is wrong during the winter.

I have not really said much about myself on this blog for a long time. Not because I had something to hide or nothing to say, I just felt that I was less important than my subject matter. I have used my story in order to bring reality to the pain of abuse, to show that healing is more than possible, to try and encourage others to speak out.

I have also shared music, song and inspiration from other writers. I ripped myself open so that you could see what was inside, I exposed my pscyche but kept some doors shut. Some will open over time others will remain for my viewing only. Such is the nature of needing some privacy.

I realised this week that I have been unkind to myself. I have not been allowing myself to truly live and experience the joys and treasures that life holds. I doubted my worthiness for a long time. I have "real life" problems to work through, health issues to put right and big decisions to make.

Being bluntly honest with myself I realised that I have never lived for me. I was the boy for all tastes that became a man for all seasons. I lived in such a way that I thought was expected of me and frequently demanded of me.

Enough! This is my life and I intend to make some major changes and life decisions.

I have forgotten to apply the advice that I give to others, to my own situation.

My confidence shattered when I lost my businesses, other events kicked me in the stomach. I became a recluse, hiding from the light of life.

My own needs became at best secondary to those of others. The saying springs to mind - "I'm as good as you, as bad as I am" or something similar.

This blog is becoming a ramble, but it comes from the heart. Mine is a bit of a mess so it's no wonder really. I am far from perfect. I am like an old battered suitcase. I have character though and am not the evil fiend that some have painted me for revealing my past. I need to work on my self confidence, on my shyness and on my fear of the unknown.

Unless I take a risk I will never know. So take a risk I shall.  I have to do it on my own terms and at my own pace.

I am still working on the book that I am co-authoring with a survivor/therapist from Canada. We hope to break boundaries in the field of self help for child abuse survivors. On Facebook I am running a peer to peer support group for sexual violence survivors. It is going well
and I have help from three amazing admins.

Everything else I thought I was working towards has been cast onto the rubbish heap of life.

Change is most certainly coming. It excites as much as it terrifies me.

I feel as if abuse has followed me my entire life. Maybe I thought that I was only good enough for abusive situations.

No more.

Thank you for reading. 

Like a wave of stinging bees
a vast maw spews forth
its delivery of denigration,
staccato sticks and stones
hurled with venomous vigor
in machine gun frenzy
the leaden poison bullets
hitting the heart hard
jerking the soul strings
wearing thin with insult,
acidity dripping and dissolving
corroding their committment
polarisation pulsing into view
building walls ever higher
cemented by hatred
surely it is not meant?
where is the committment,
the shining example?
replaced by petty point-scoring
and manifestations malignant
boiling in intensity fermented
showering ears with barbed comment
eyes roll and look for deliverance
ever stalled like praise
a poised viper waiting
to spring with pent-up
bitterness an addicition always
everyone else wrong, always
an excuse for adrenaline fix
of abuse, a tirade of blame
heaped like so much shit
on their shoulders, broadened
by years of this manic seque
the mind of a seeming madman
being called forthly all too often
channelling its primal negativity
pounding, pounding, demanding
submission the only solution
that is unless you leave
I am glad I am leaving
 

Building Blocks

Most people have a happy childhood right? My childhood had happy moments, but overall was a very miserable experience.

It is said that a child's character is formed by the time they are six years old. We are born with a predetermined number of building blocks and how we are raised, how we are treated and the experiences we have decide how we use these building blocks.

Our reactions to danger, trust, pain, love, anger, fear depend on where we place these building blocks.

So much in life is a "two way street". Give and take, action and reaction.

If our formative years had a high percentage of negative experiences then we react by building walls in an attempt to lessen the impact of these events. As we are young builders then we may build these walls too high, thereby isolating ourselves and making it very difficult to let anyone close in the future.

As well as blocking out the bad experiences, we also block out good ones. Our reactions to events in later life may become inappropriate because the walls we built in childhood are too high or too low.

Hiding behind too many walls leaves us miserable and isolated. In an attempt to protect ourselves in childhood we inadvertently deny ourselves the ability to fully enjoy and appreciate life.

Every good building should be built on solid and safe foundations. Foundations can crack if not built with the correct materials and in turn the building on which the foundation stands becomes unstable.

The age at which traumatic abuse occurs can determine how we cope with it. In my case the abuse started when I was still a toddler. My foundations cracked and in turn the building of my life became very unstable, to the point that it actually broke into separate sections. Some walls fell down and some of the debris used to strengthen what remained standing. It made me an "incomplete" adult.

Walls exist where there should be doors; open spaces where a wall should protect me; turrets instead of boundary walls.

My reactions to danger, trauma and intimacy became exaggerated. Trust became distorted. The survival instinct kept me alive but not fully functioning. With my incomplete structure I allowed enemies in and kept friends out. Cracks exist, some wide enough and deep enough to trap and imprison me. One wall deals with danger, another love. A tower handles trust and a drawbridge intimacy. Fear resides in a moat and anger in the metal spikes that top the walls.

All different, segmented, pieces of whom I should have been. Some pieces working independently whilst others have wooden bridge linking them tentatively. Together they form me, my castle.

I'm calling in the builders. I don't want repairmen anymore that just patch and make do. It's time to rebuild, this time in safety and with love and care too. No longer an eyesore but something to be proud of, something appropriate. Join me?

2 Million blog hits!?

I have been quiet on all fronts. I try and maintain my twitter tweeting regime and thankfully there are apps available which make it easier. I have not blogged very much. I've written previously of real world issues that have demanded my attentions. These are ongoing.

I've sort of lost my way these last couple of months. I decided to go back into therapy some time ago and am seeing a therapist weekly. Monday will be session three of the assessment stage.

I feel very isolated. That isolation is accompanied with self doubt and a deep rooted sense of inadequacy. I am physically isolated as well as emotionally so. Whilst I never was much of a mixer, I still had full time employment to occupy my day. Not being in full time employment is I guess adding to the sense of inadequacy.

I am working, self employed, but this work is in the fledgling stages and will take some time to bear fruit. I am also trying to get book two to a stage where it can be independently reviewed and edited. It is a hard book to write. It strips off my skin and flesh and exposes the very core of my being. It's a painful and unpleasant experience at times buttoned feel I must endure.

Though I have overcome much this last year there are still "issues" that remain which cause me many problems. I've survived, I've thrived but I am not yet whole.

There is so much I want to do. Financial and personal restraints prevent me. There is so much work needed to educate the general population, to bring awareness to those that either cannot or will not see. I know I cannot change the world but I do want to be a cog in the machine that does change people's perception of child abuse and the aftermath of such.

I've escaped/cheated death a few times in my life. There must be a reason why..

Please be patient with me whilst I try and link the pieces of me together.

Thank you for being there, for supporting and encouraging me in this journey.

Things I didn't say... #childabuse #survivor

It's funny in a dopey kind of way... Before both interviews with Tricia on Dreamcatchers Blog Talk Radio I had a list of things I wanted to say and other things I made lists of as we spoke to elaborate on..

When I first heard the show was almost two hours long I panicked. How could I fill 2 hours! As it turned out I could have chatted for another 6-8 hours quite happily. Having been silenced for so long it felt so good to use my voice.

I want to try and go over some things here and would also welcome any questions you might have. I firmly believe that one of the major ways of "getting over" abuse is to talk or write about it. A problem shared...

I would also like to take this chance to say a BIG thank you to Tricia and the Dreamcatchers team and to
YOU for the kind and supportive comments. Oh...and the cheekier ones too! :-) Apparently a new career beckons reading phonebooks or anything at all as long as I do it out loud!

I am available for weddings, christenings and the occasional bar mitzvah! lol

Seriously, thank you for helping me grow as a person and for giving me confidence in myself.

One of the things I wanted to discuss on the show was confidence. I feel frequently that I am not doing enough or that what I do is in some way lacking. I wish for 48 hours in my day and 14 days in my week... Much of the confidence I do have is from the fact I am not face to face with people as I share my story. I point you to a wonderful poem by Tom Teague "Friends without Faces" .

At the AMSOSA  (Male Survivors Trust) weekend retreat it took me a day to come out of my shell. The awesome feeling of being in the company of other male survivors soon overcame my shyness and fears. Knowing that I was not alone and that so many of the things I considered were "wrong" about me were actually side effects of the abuse was massively empowering. The problem I have is that the group is simply too far away for regular visits.

A feeling of being alone still travels with me. Not alone in being a survivor but a more physical feeling. I am not great at making friends. I can count my "physical" friends on one hand.

Hopefully I can remedy this over the next few years. One step at a time.

Another point is one we discussed on the show. Are pedophiles only sexually interested in children? No.

Research proves that most male abusers are heterosexual, middle class, white men. This includes those that abuse boys and girls. Being abused by a man does not "make" the victim gay. Neither does it mean that male pedophiles are gay. The same goes for female molestors too I believe.

I do not believe that a pedophile can be "cured". Our sexuality is very complex. Being heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual is NOT a lifestyle choice that can be "fixed" with treatment. We are what we are.

I don't care what people do in their lives, who they sleep with etc. This is just as long as the person being "slept with" is consenting and of legal age.

Growing up I was never aware that what was happening to me was abnormal. I knew it was a "special secret", that but not that it was wrong. Not knowing what normal really was meant that much of my life was lived on the sidelines. I felt I didn't fit. I felt that I was in the wrong for this. Now I can see that this was a reaction to what happened to me and that my silence and "freakiness" was forced upon me.

None of us are the same. Even twins etc have different personalities. What therfore is ths thing called "normal"? Who decided it's definition?

For me, "normal" died long long ago. I used to be a product of the abuse. Now I am a product of my healing journey. I am me.

Child abuse is a topic which is very slowly having more recognition. Breaking the chain of silence is the only way we can bring it fully to the attention of the "general" public. Change must and will come.

Clear hindsite is a wonderful thing. My journey is not over. I still have much to learn and much to share. I do know now that the pain is in the past. I feel no shame for what was done to me. I feel that the future is a place I look forward to being in.

When I looked for a support group a year ago ,only one within a reasonable distance (AMSOSA) advertised as a group for non-offending survivors. This was and still is very important to me. I have no wish to share space with anyone who has abused a child (the only exceptions being if the abuser was under sixteen (or the age of consent in your own country/area) and was being forced to abuse another child by an older person). I totally reject those that say they abused children because they were abused themselves and were not comfortable having a healthy sexlife with another adult. Bullcrap. Being a pedophile means being a deviant.

At the end of the show I made a point of thanking the partners, families and friends that actively support a victim of abuse. I know from my own experiences that healing can be a difficult and painful journey for those nearest to you too. If you have no-one close to you then please please try and join a support group. Do not try and face the healing journey alone.

One subject I try and shy away from is religion. It was touched upon during my first interview with Tricia. I was brought up to believe in God. The grandparents and their side of the family were very religious. One of those that abused me was a Methodist Minister. He was also the grandfathers brother. I was sodomised in his church, not only by him and the grandfather but also with other objects.  I was called the antichrist and born again christ at the same time.I was good and evil. It both terrified and warped my ideas. I was told that to tell of these things would risk my soul and the soul of those I loved.

I was Christened but later refused to be confirmed. After the death of my mother my belief in any God flew out of the window. In my late teens I looked at religion again. I attended different ceremonies and churches to see if I could believe in anything. I failed. I looked at paganism and  magic too. I was searching for something. I found it, a void. By the time I was to get married at 21 I hated churches, they made me physically ill. I was left shaking and panicked. I attended a service in which I was to be made a friends sons godfather in my late twenties. I had to rush out, terrified and shaking. I remember feeling it was all a lie, religion was a cover for evil things men do.

Today I have "faith". I have faith in myself. I consider myself to be a spiritual person, kind and empathic. I have no need of organised religion, churches, chapels etc.

Do I believe in an omnipotent God? No. Do I believe in Jesus? Yes! He existed. Who he was or was claimed to be is of no interest to me.

I do not believe that religions should be allowed to investigate themselves, especially in cases of child abuse. The same would go for any organisation. 

I shall end on that note. Simply recalling that experience is enough to make me seek peace.

Thank you for walking with me.

Jân

Live Your Life Fully

Live life, don't just get by.

A year ago this month I had an awakening. I'd spent a miserable winter, my mind unsettled, thoughts constantly spinning, I felt I was falling apart. I broke down in March 2011, couldn't take any more stress. My sleep had been disrupted by nightmares, I woke frequently in a panic. I seriously thought I was losing my sanity.

Recently I've been feeling unsettled again. I've made some conscious decisions to change my life and more importantly, my thinking. Many people, myself especially, are content to just exist...

If you want to truly live life, to really experience it, to enjoy it to the fullest, instead of barely scraping by and only living a life of existence, then you need to find ways to break free from the mold and drink from life.

I've spent too much time dwelling on my own past, wasted years of my life probably. I've been eaten up with bitterness and anger, to a point where it was making me ill. I've learnt much this past twelve months. A great deal of what I've learnt has been painful, not only the memories that surfaced, but also the things I've learnt about myself.

I've let the past control who I am today. I have moved on from much of it now, I've learnt to lay blame firmly where it belongs and to accept that I was a victim. I was done wrong. I can't go back and change the past, can't undo damage that was done. What I can do though is to accept, to learn and to grow stronger.

I've grown stronger in many ways. I've let the anger that was festering inside me out. Lately I've learnt to forgive. I forgive myself. For years I blamed myself for not only letting myself be abused, but also for how it affected my adult life. No more. I forgive myself and it feels pretty good too.

I will never stop trying to make a difference though. I hope that my writing, my blogging and my social interactions help others as much as it has helped me. I'm no leader, I'm not a miracle worker and I'm certainly no hero. I'm a man, a man who wants to bring about change in people's perceptions and a man who wants to somehow make this world a safer place for the children of the future. I want people to learn that it's ok to talk about their past and I want the listeners to not condemn or judge the victim.

You will note that I don't forgive, or ask forgiveness for those that abuse. The bible teaches that we should forgive those that trespass against us... Child abuse and rape is not "trespass", rather it's an abuse of power and control. It's a crime. It deserves no forgiveness.

So many victims of these crimes cannot recover. Suicide rates are higher in those that have been abused or raped. The shame and pain too much to handle. I've attempted suicide in the past, I understand all too well how it feels. Thankfully I failed, but at the time I was mad that I hadn't had the courage to do a better job of it.

Too often we go through life on autopilot, going through the motions and having each day pass like the one before it. That's fine, and comfortable, until you have gone through another year without having done anything, without having really lived life.

Every suicide by a victim of abuse or rape should be classed as murder. Not self murder, but murder by the abuser or rapist. Many will disagree and it is your right to do so.

I receive occasional hate mail and rude comments. So be it, we all have the right to express an opinion. My blog and it's content are my opinion. You are not forced to read it. If you disagree with me then at least have the decency to do so openly and preferably without using gutter language. I understand why some victims would want to post anonymous comments and i haven't a problem with that, but to mail or post abusive comments anonymously only makes me think the sender is a paedophile or rapist anyway.

I'm moving on with my life. I'm moving away from the negative aspects of my past and I am going to try and be the man I should have been.

I am so grateful that people want to read my blog. It's an affirmation that I'm doing something right. Thank you.

Life is for living. Being happy is the goal. Be your own definition of happy, don't waste life trying to live up to someone else's definition.

This is a short essay based on Oscar Wilde's quotation, I hope you fine it interesting.

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”

Nowadays people kill themselves to eke out a living, improve their living conditions or keep their high standard of living, but they forget to live. A Scottish proverb says; "be happy while you're living, for you're a long time dead." In fact, people don’t live, but they survive each day, for they are too busy, too tired, too stressed and too worried to really enjoy the pleasures of life. Everyone says; “time flies.” Thus, hours become days and days become years and years become a wasted precious life, and what for? Of course, for a better living.

It’s believed that to be successful in life and improve your conditions you have to work hard and never stop, because if you stop, another person will come and take your place.

Besides, as the present society demands a lot of effort to survive and keep a decent living, pleasures are the first thing to be put off when wanting to achieve any goal. However, if you postpone your enjoyment until you have time, money and/or proper conditions arrive that time may never come or come too late and your priceless life will be wasted.

The strains of modern life force people to live in such a hurry that they don’t even have time to enjoy the beautiful world we live in. People forget to take delight of the bonny things nature provides us. It costs no money and takes almost no time. "This world, after all our science and sciences, is still a miracle; wonderful, magical and more, to whosoever will think of it." - Thomas Carlyle.

Being ambitious, human beings always want more than what they actually need or would really enjoy like a collector. People accumulate things for others to enjoy them, for they value their lives by the things they possess, which is a quite sad way of appreciating life since they’ll never be satisfied. “The true perfection of man lies not in what man has, but in what man is.” Oscar Wilde.

If people at bedtime review of the day ask themselves how much they delight the day, they’ll probably conclude that they miss another chance of feeling alive. Responsibilities are absolutely necessary as well as a job and material things, but life goes beyond that. How many people at their deathbed regret for not taking the opportunities they had to live, to have adventures and experiences? There is nothing better than to look back your past and be able to say; “I lived and lived very well. I made mistakes and I learned from them.”

In conclusion, our time is not eternal. Each second, minute, hour, day we waste is gone forever. To overwork for something you won’t enjoy is as silly as having the opportunity to live but to prefer to exist in order to talk about the ones who do live. Once we value more what we are than what we have, maybe our goals would change and feel what to be alive means. Thus, after feeling really alive, our life will be neither empty nor wasted but full of precious experiences.

Live Your Life

I found this list on a few sites and wanted to share it with you.

What follows is just a list of ideas, obvious ones mostly that you could have thought of yourself, but that I hope are useful reminders. We all need reminders sometimes. If you find this useful, print it out, and start using it. Today.

Love. Perhaps the most important. Fall in love, if you aren't already. If you have, fall in love with your partner all over again. Abandon caution and let your heart be broken. Or love family members, friends, anyone -- it doesn't have to be romantic love. Love all of humanity, one person at a time.

Get outside. Don't let yourself be shut indoors. Go out when it's raining. Walk on the beach. Hike through the woods. Swim in a freezing lake. Bask in the sun. Play sports, or walk barefoot through grass. Pay close attention to nature.

Savor food. Don't just eat your food, but really enjoy it. Feel the texture, the bursts of flavors. Savor every bite. If you limit your intake of sweets, it will make the small treats you give yourself (berries or dark chocolate are my favorites) even more enjoyable. And when you do have them, really, really savor them. Slowly.

Create a morning ritual. Wake early and greet the day. Watch the sun rise. Out loud, tell yourself that you will not waste this day, which is a gift. You will be compassionate to your fellow human beings, and live every moment to its fullest. Stretch or meditate or exercise as part of your ritual. Enjoy some coffee.

Take chances. We often live our lives too cautiously, worried about what might go wrong. Be bold, risk it all. Quit your job and go to business for yourself (plan it out first!), or go up to that girl/guy you've liked for a long time and ask her out. What do you have to lose?

Follow excitement. Try to find the things in life that excite you, and then go after them. Make life one exciting adventure after another (with perhaps some quiet times in between).

Find your passion. Similar to the above tip, this one asks you to find your calling. Make your living by doing the thing you love to do. First, think about what you really love to do. There may be many things. Find out how you can make a living doing it. It may be difficult, but you only live once.

Get out of your cubicle. Do you sit all day in front of computer, shuffling papers and taking phone calls and chatting on the Internet? Don't waste your days like this. Break free from the cubicle environment, and do your work on a laptop, in a coffee shop, or on a boat, or in a log cabin. This may require a change of jobs, or becoming a freelancer. It's worth it.

Turn off the TV. How many hours will we waste away in front of the boob tube? How many hours do we have to live? Do the math, then unplug the TV. Only plug it back in when you have a DVD of a movie you love. Otherwise, keep it off and find other stuff to do. Don't know what to do? Read further.

Pull away from Internet. You're reading something on the Internet right now. And, with the exception of this article, it is just more wasting away of your precious time. You cannot get these minutes back. Unplug the Internet, then get out of your office or house. Right now! And go and do something.

Travel. Sure, you want to travel some day. When you have vacation time, or when you're older. Well, what are you waiting for? Find a way to take a trip, if not this month, then sometime soon. You may need to sell your car or stop your cable bill and stop eating out to do it, but make it happen. You are too young to not see the world. If need be, find a way to make a living by freelancing, then work while you travel. Only work an hour or two a day. Don't check email but once a week. Then use the rest of the time to see the world.

Rediscover what's important. Take an hour and make a list of everything that's important to you. Add to it everything that you want to do in life. Now cut that list down to 4-5 things. Just the most important things in your life. This is your core list. This is what matters. Focus your life on these things. Make time for them.

Eliminate everything else. What's going on in your life that's not on that short list? All that stuff is wasting your time, pulling your attention from what's important. As much as possible, simplify your life by eliminating the stuff that's not on your short list, or minimizing it.

Exercise. Get off the couch and go for a walk. Eventually try running. Or do some push ups and crunches. Or swim or bike or row. Or go for a hike. Whatever you do, get active, and you'll love it. And life will be more alive.

Be positive. Learn to recognize the negative thoughts you have. These are the self-doubts, the criticisms of others, the complaints, the reasons you can't do something. Then stop yourself when you have these thoughts, and replace them with positive thoughts. Solutions. You can do this!

Open your heart. Is your heart a closed bundle of scar tissue? Learn to open it, have it ready to receive love, to give love unconditionally. If you have a problem with this, talk to someone about it. And practice makes perfect.

Kiss in the rain. Seize the moment and be romantic. Raining outside? Grab your lover and give him/her a passionate kiss. Driving home? Stop the car and pick some wildflowers. Send him/her a love note. Dress sexy for him/her.

Face your fears. What are you most afraid of? What is holding you back? Whatever it is, recognize it, and face it. Do what you are most afraid of. Afraid of heights? Go to the tallest building, and look down over the edge. Only by facing our fears can we be free of them.

When you suffer, suffer. Life isn't all about fun and games. Suffering is an inevitable part of life. We lose our jobs. We lose our lovers. We lose our pets. We get physically injured or sick. A loved one becomes sick. A parent dies. Learn to feel the pain intensely, and really grieve. This is a part of life -- really feel the pain. And when you're done, move on, and find joy.

Slow down. Life moves along at such a rapid pace these days. It's not healthy, and it's not conducive to living. Practice doing everything slowly -- everything, from eating to walking to driving to working to reading. Enjoy what you do. Learn to move at a snail's pace.

Touch humanity. Get out of your house and manicured neighborhoods, and find those who live in worse conditions. Meet them, talk to them, understand them. Live among them. Be one of them. Give up your materialistic lifestyle.

Volunteer. Help at homeless soup kitchens. Learn compassion, and learn to help ease the suffering of others. Help the sick, those with disabilities, those who are dying.

Play with children. Children, more than anyone else, know how to live. They experience everything in the moment, fully. When they get hurt, they really cry. When they play, they really have fun. Learn from them, instead of thinking you know so much more than them. Play with them, and learn to be joyful like them.

Talk to old people. There is no one wiser, more experienced, more learned, than those who have lived through life. They can tell you amazing stories. Give you advice on making a marriage last or staying out of debt. Tell you about their regrets, so you can learn from them and avoid the same mistakes. They are the wisdom of our society -- take advantage of their existence while they're still around.

Learn new skills. Constantly improve yourself instead of standing still -- not because you're so imperfect now, but because it is gratifying and satisfying. You should accept yourself as you are, and learn to love who you are, but still try to improve -- if only because the process of improvement is life itself.

Find spirituality. For some, this means finding God or Jesus or Allah or Buddha. For others, this means becoming in tune with the spirits of our ancestors, or with nature. For still others, this just means an inner energy. Whatever spirituality means for you, rediscover it, and its power.

Take mini-retirements. Don't leave the joy of retirement until you are too old to enjoy it. Do it now, while you're young. It makes working that much more worth it. Find ways to take a year off every few years. Save up, sell your home, your possessions, and travel. Live simply, but live, without having to work. Enjoy life, then go back to work and save up enough money to do it again in a couple of years.

Do nothing. Despite the tip above that we should find excitement, there is value in doing nothing as well. Not doing nothing as in reading, or taking a nap, or watching TV, or meditating. Doing nothing as in sitting there, doing nothing. Just learning to be still, in silence, to hear our inner voice, to be in tune with life. Do this daily if possible.

Stop playing video games. They might be fun, but they can take up way too much time. If you spend a lot of time playing online games, or computer solitaire, or Wii or Gameboy or whatever, consider going a week without it. Then find something else to do, outside.

Watch sunsets, daily. One of the most beautiful times of day. Make it a daily ritual to find a good spot to watch the sunset, perhaps having a light dinner while you do so.

Stop reading magazines. They're basically crap. And they waste your time and money. Cancel your subscriptions and walk past them at the news stands. If you have to read something, read a trashy novel or even better, read this blog once a day and be done.

Break out from ruts. Do you do things the same way every day? Change it up. Try something new. Take a different route to work. Start your day out differently. Approach work from a new angle. Look at things from new perspectives.

Stop watching the news. It's depressing and useless. If you're a news junky, this may be difficult. I haven't watch TV news or read a newspaper regularly in about two years. It hasn't hurt me a bit. Anything important, my wife tells me about.

Laugh till you cry. Laughing is one of the best ways to live. Tell jokes and laugh your head off. Watch an awesome comedy. Learn to laugh at anything. Roll on the ground laughing. You'll love it.

Lose control. Not only control over yourself, but control over others. It's a bad habit to try to control others -- it will only lead to stress and unhappiness for yourself and those you try to control. Let others live, and live for yourself. And lose control of yourself now and then too.

Cry. Men, especially, tend to hold in our tears, but crying is an amazing release. Cry at sad movies. Cry at a funeral. Cry when you are hurt, or when somebody you love is hurt. It releases these emotions and allows us to cleanse ourselves.

Make an awesome dessert. I like to make warm, soft chocolate cake. But even berries dipped in chocolate, or crepes with ice cream and fruit, or fresh apple pie, or homemade chocolate chip cookies or brownies, are great. This isn't an every day thing, but an occasional treat thing. But it's wonderful.

Try something new, every week. Ask yourself: "What new thing shall I try this week?" Then be sure to do it. You don't have to learn a new language in one week, but seek new experiences. Give it a try. You might decide you want to keep it in your life.

Be in the moment. Instead of thinking about things you need to do, or things that have happened to you, or worrying or planning or regretting, think about what you are doing, right now. What is around you? What smells and sounds and sights and feelings are you experiencing? Learn to do this as much as possible through meditation, but also through bringing your focus back to the present as much as you can in everything you do.

Work like you don't need the money.

Love like you've never been hurt.

Dance like nobody's watching.

Sing like nobody's listening.

Live like it's Heaven on Earth.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

Born this way...?

It's been a few weeks since I wrote at length. Much has happened, much in my life has changed, is still changing. I hate uncertainty....


Although I have not done much writing, I have been reading, researching, planning.

I've also had a great deal of time to think, not always a good thing...

Writing has always been important to me, it has given a release to emotions that have built up inside. Many have mocked this... What has amused me lately is that "expressive writing" is considered a therapy in it's own right. Spending 20-30 minutes a day, 4-5 days a week writing about your emotions, fears, desires etc can be hood for your health. Punctuation and grammar are not important. Write what is inside you, let it flow. Tell your darkest secrets, biggest fears, get them out in the open.

When you have done this then what you do with what you have written is up to you. Delete it, burn in, share it or save it. The important thing is to get is out of your system. It may take several attempts, several weeks to finally "cleanse", but I know from my own experiences it can work.

As I have mentioned before, much of my writing will not make sense... A mix of poetry, prose and buried memories. Sometimes just one of these, other times a jumble. The style of writing changes with my moods, my emotions. Sometimes I just write to get what is bothering me "out of my system".

I have always had a tendency to bury my head in the sand... The eternal optimist... Things will get better on their own... Sharing my experiences on this blog is changing that. The last few weeks have been very difficult. The loss of my business (my livelihood and independence) shook me to my inner core. On top of that, the stress bubble burst and many things that had been affecting my health came to the fore. 40 days ago I chose to close my business down. For 40 days I have been lost.

My future is still uncertain. What to do, how to do it. Finances etc etc etc. What is clear is that I cannot wait for things to happen.

I hope to me more active on this blog and on my twitter account.

Thank you for sharing my journey.