Friday 30 September 2011

The Whisper of Words

                                 There are no words to describe the pain I felt inside
                                  I took it all in silence, the hell I had to hide...

                             I don't even know how to tell you, how can I even begin
                               He told me that he loved me, that this was not a sin

                             He took from me my childhood, without even asking me
                           And now you ask me to tell you.. there are no words, you see

                                   All alone I took it...I never said a word
                                  Silently I wept, so that no one ever heard

                              So there are no words to tell you, please just let me be
                          How can I speak the sounds of this...for they're not meant to be

                               I cannot ever tell you...I don't think you can hear
                             The pain, the hurt, the torture, the betrayal and the fear

                              There are no words to tell you, But tell is what I'll do
                            There are no words but listen, and I will whisper them to you.


Shadows, night.....comfort is here
Instead of the harsh light of morning.
Shadows,'ll find me there
Heedless to the warnings

I watch the life flow from me
My soul seems on fire
Those winds of change surround me
No one knows what I desire

End of daylight, end of pain
end of unhappiness
the story of the slain.
I know your harshness
and your reality of lies.
I see my friendships
and those who watch as the ember dies.

My heart is still left
but yearns to be free
save yourselves
Please, don't wait for me

It is the Armaggeddon
The day all deeds are done
and with your leave, take my love
the endless journey has begun

Come Dance With Me

Come dance with me my sweetest love,
Lets sway beneath the stars,
With your body next to mine,
Lets dance 'til the end of time.

I whisper softly in your ear, 
Secrets from a lover's heart,
Move closer,  listen carefully
Words only you will hear.

Dance with me through night and day,
We'll waltz from star to star,
Let time stand still, let all sound cease,
But the music of our beating hearts.

Come dance with me my sweetest love,
Lets sway beneath the stars,
With your body next to mine,
Lets dance 'til the end of time.

Thursday 29 September 2011

Thoughts Of You

                        Thoughts of you in space and time
                        Making me crazy, filling my mind
                        I close my eyes, your image is clear
                        Feeling you close without you here

                        Taking the time to search my soul
                        How you keep my heart on hold
                        Maybe you don't, maybe it's me
                        Don't wanna let go of passion so free

                        Love you to death, I want you near
                        You're affect on me is what I fear
                        Searching for the key inside the prism
                        Locked in place, your protection mechanism

                        Staying within the boundry lines
                        A choice that's made and aged with time
                        Capture a picture we both can see
                        We, as we are, it will always be

Tuesday 27 September 2011

I Danced Amongst The Stars

I walk along the path of light.
I walk among the stars, shining bright
Where planets and comets dance
To the song of the universe.

I see sights that amaze and delight me

I look down upon the Earth
That once was my home
I shine, I bring life. I rejoice.

I listen to the endless silence
I see light emerge from dark void
I feel the pulse of the universe
It courses through my blood.

I inhale the breath of nothingness,
No need of earthbound sustinence.
I am at one with the night

Yet I am also the bringer of day.

This new creation, this rebirth of light,
This ever shining beacon of hope,
We are one, we are forever entwined.
Darkness fades, light prevails. I smile.

To Dream That Dream

A new peace has settled upon me lately. Despite all that life has thrown at me in the past, the pain of remembering, and now the threat of financial meltdown, I am mostly calm.

So many of us strive for financial success, to attain materialistic things. I had so little growing up, and even later in life. It became almost an obsession to be a success, to have lots of possesions. To be rich.

Money is a requirement for living. We cannot survive without it. How much do we really need though? Is the man or woman sat in their multi million pound house happier than someone in something a great deal more modest? Do designer clothes make the man? Do diamonds and gold make you a better person? Does driving a Porsche mean you are a better driver then someone driving a Ford? When we die we are all equal. No money in the world can stop us dying. Poverty has its own problems, starvation, cold, health problems. Why don't we just take ALL the money and wealth in the world and share it out equally.

I have always shared, whatever I have, with those that don't. I am happier giving than receiving.

I have been given recently what I consider a great gift. Understanding.

I have been having very lucid, surreal dreams of late. I chanced upon a stranger was based on one dream.
This next piece is based on another.

I walked along a riverbank. My gait was unsteady and my back was bent. My head twitched and I couldn't see or hear clearly. It was a slow, painful walk. The sun burnt and peeled my skin, the insects swarmed around me, feeding. My feet bled from ill fitting sandals.

As I walked I could not hep but be in awe of the beauty of the river. It flowed gently, only occasionally breaking white over boulders that lay in its path. On the far side of the river fish jumped catching flies, and a lone man sat watching them from under the branching arms of a twisted old apple tree full of fruit. Near him I saw the smoke from what must be a small camp fire. He looked familiar, but he was a long way off and my eyes were poor.

Ahead of me was a ricketty bridge that crossed over the river. The further it stretched, the more dangerous it looked. Though the river flowed gently, it seemed very deep and I was not a strong swimmer even when in good health.

On the side of the river nearest me no fish jumped and no fruit grews on its banks. I was hungry and thirsty.

I decided to cross the river using the old bridge. Even if the lone man wouldn't share with me, perhaps I could catch my own fish or pick my own fruit. It took me some time to get to the base of the river bridge. My body ached, bent down with the weigth of the disease and pain I was carrying.

I looked across the expanse and thought that if I was very careful I could cross that bridge. I glanced towards the man and saw that he was now watching me.

I took my first step onto the bridge. My concentration was totally set on my destination. My body,  though old and diseased, pushing itself forward. I walked about 20 steps without looking up. When I did I saw that the distance to the far side seemed further than it had when I started. I should by now be about a third way across. I looked behind me and to my horror discovered that the distance back appeared almost as far as I had yet to go forward.  I stood there and cursed. What to do? Go back the slightly shorter distance or continue forward in the hope that the extended distance was a play on my eyes.

I glanced down at the river and froze to the spot. What had appeared calm and gentle from the riverbank now was a crashing, whitewater strewn with craggy rocks and fallen trees.

What had I got myself into!? Why had I decided that the far river bank held greater promise. If I had continued on my own side then I might have come across fruit and clean water, I might have found someone to share them with. I cursed again.

Suddenly a section of the bridge that I had just crossed over broke away. I was left with no choice but to go on. My heart was in my mouth as I took small steps forward. Where my hands had once grabbed onto old rope, now vines grew. Were my eyes deceiving me? Was I losing my mind? I hastened my step lest the vines grew to block my way forward... The vines became thorny, my hands began to bleed. I stopped where I was and bagan to cry, gently, without sound. The tears poured forth and washed down over me.

I heard a voice calling out, telling me to stay where I was. I looked up through wet eyes and saw the lone man was now standing at the far end of the bridge.

I tried to wipe the tears from my eyes, but only irratated them with the blood and grime from my hands. I felt my body sag, my heart thumped in my chest, my head pounded. I wept openly and loudly, I could take no more. I thought to throw myself into the raging river beneath me.

Again I heard his voice. He said to me to wait where I was. I was so lost in my own world of sorrow and pain that though I heard his voice, I didn't believe him or trust him. I stood up, and held onto the thorny vines. The pain I expected was not there though I bled more and more. I thought to myself that though life had all but defeated me, I refused to meet death with anything but head held high and standing on my own two feet.

I closed my eyes and prepared to step off the bridge.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. Startled, I opened my eyes. The man stood before me, but through my swollen, bloodshot eyes I could still not make out his features. His eyes bore into mine, and though intense, there was no menace in them. His hand on my shoulder was firm, yet soft and felt warm. He made no comment to what my more than obvious intentions had been, instead he asked me to keep looking him in the eyes and to just walk towards him. I felt no option but to trust and do what was asked of me.

We walked perhaps ten steps when he said to me that I was now safely across. I was astounded as surely there must have been forty or fifty steps to go before reaching the river bank. He read the confusion in my expression and told me to look around. I did and indeed we were on the riverbank.

My legs gave way at that point. I collapsed into a sobbing heap at his feet. I thought it must be raining for suddenlt I felt water drops landing on me. I looked up but the water came from the man, he was crying, silently, and his tears were landing on me.

As they ran down my face and across my body I felt a warm glow. I felt years of pain and suffering leave me. I stood up to embrace this man, this fellow traveller whose actions had saved me.He looked at me through his own teary eyes and accepted my embrace. I held him tight, I wept on his shoulder and he wept on mine. 

I opened my eyes again to look at him. I could see clearly now. I was astonished, I almost fell backwards. The man looked just like me, but healthier and much cleaner. Again he read my expression but this time he threw his head back and laughed. Confused I turned to walk away, he caught my hand and as he did a bright light flashed around us. I heard a loud noise and suddenly he was gone. I blacked out.

I awoke, looked around me and then down at my body. The scars were gone, the twisted limbs were now straight, the dirty, blooded, burnt skin now clean and healthy. I looked 20 years younger!  I heard birds singing, I saw through new eyes.

Stunned I walked over to where his fire was still burning, I sat down and looked across the river. Fish jumped in the shallows near my feet, I looked around and saw a neat pile of fresh apples. I bit into one, it tasted fresh, sweet and crisp. A noise distracted me...

I looked across the river and saw an old man, bent and twisted walking along the path that I too had travelled along. I paused a moment and thoughts played across my mind.

I smiled to myself. I understood....


He's all alone now.
The things he's done
Pushed them away,
Acted like he didn't care,
Did everything he shouldn't have.
He thought it was for the best.
But now what?
They're all happy.
They've all moved on without him.
But there's one solitary life
Left behind.
He knew he didn't deserve them
All he wanted was happiness
For the ones he loves.
Now they have it,
But his heart is gone.
Now all that's left is an empty soul
And thoughts of the memories.
He wonders about them all the time.
Wishes, for just one day,
He could see his friends again
Talk to the ones he loves
Hold them tight.
But he'd never want to let go.
And that's something he can't put upon them.
Not while he is like this anyway.
He can't wish for anyone to accept him.
Because it's an impossible task.
For nobody really knows the whole truth.
What's going on inside that twisted mind,
What's really happening in that upside down world.
He only ever told one person,
His best friend, the one he trusted.
But now he's lost him too,
And with that loss, he's lost himself.
He's lost the one true family
He ever loved or cared for.
He'll never again see his one true love,
They're far apart forever.
Without love, without friends,
He's nothing.
A mere solitary life.
Living in an empty shell.
Carrying on as normal
But a broken heart lies
Deep down inside.
Under the smiles,
Under the laughs.
There's got to be a way out,
And he knows he'll find it,
Whatever it is.
Until then,
He'll fight it all inside.

Monday 26 September 2011

Some Stormy Night

Trees dance gracefully to the symphony of the wind.
They sway gently while lightening highlights the sky.
The air is warm and humidity high
And thunder rolls in background tempo.
The song of the crickets unify the sweet melody;
They unify and tie the piece together.
This beautiful song brings such a calm deep within
Yet it makes me tremble as joy sweeps over me.
I sit in my chair watching, listening, alone.
The music brings images of my life story to mind.
As I become hypnotised to the rhythm and flow
It is all so sobering and beautiful.
The images become more vivid.  The music more angry.
The music within me, that I am, accompanies the orchestration.
I think about the many places I've been to.
I see the empty eyes of strangers as life marches by.
The music crests, emotion peaks, images nearly real.
Inside is a tossed salad of different feelings.
Good, sad, excited, angry, mellow, and alone.
Sometimes I feel as though I'm almost at lifes end.
Then I see the light in me growing, with it hope.
Hope that tomorrow will bring change, guidance
The gift of knowledge, an understanding of who,
What I am. An acceptance, an embrace,
I allow the light to wash over me, and from me.
Change is coming, positive change.
Tomorrow is ours.


The Way

                          I climb upon the mountain
                          Just to see what is in the way.
                          I know what's there,
                          But must I face it today?

                          I can only go forward,
                          Even when I look behind.
                          It doesn't matter which I choose,
                          I fear what I may find.

                          So I stand in this time
                          Feeling it frozen in place,
                          Waiting for me to chose
                          As indecision swallows my face.

                          Do I speak,
                          Or do I not?
                          What if I fall?
                          What if I'm caught?

                          Do I look into the light,
                          To make the path clear?
                          Will I get there faster
                          If I follow my fear?

                          I see what's in my way,
                          For it draws me near -
                          Is all the way over there,
                          And can I get there from here?

Sunday 25 September 2011

The Lighthouse

As the wind swept waves
cross a thoughtless mind
As wave after wave
crash upon feelings...
the lighthouse stands watch
A beacon for those
lost at sea.
And when the eyes clear
to reveal a starlit night
for guidance to navigate
around an impending mood...
The lighthouse still stands watch
a beacon for ships...
lost in me.


Don't feel like living,
burying the best inside myself,
don't want to be dead,
this can't really go,
this won't really remain.

Don't like eating,
everything empty, I can't fill,
don't want to sleep,
held over the barrel,
hanging from threads.

Don't want to remain silent,
the urge to take risks,
don't want to hit the wall,
gnaws on the stomach,
chews on the core.

Don't want to lose,
feeling this love for her,
don't know how to win,
teases the mind,
races the heart.

Don't want to be alone,
found one I'd always want,
don't want to go without her
this restless reaction,
this strange dissatisfaction.

Deep In The Night

Deep in the night I remember,

That I'm reaching for you

Wanting to turn to you,

That's all I want, oh, so much, deep in the night

I need you to touch me

Deep in the night

I wait for day light,

Day times I always get through

But when the sun goes down,

That's when I feel cold and old,

Deep in the night

I need you to hold me

Read a book and I think about you

Put it down and I think about you

I make some coffee and I think about you

Wash out the cup and I think about you

Wind the clock and think about you

Turn out the light and I think about you

Then I punch the pillow and I think about you

Deep in the night I get lonely

Why didn't I try someone new?

It didn't work out!

I know,

Don't I know, don't I know

Because I tried, I tried

Deep in the night

I need you beside me

Deep, so deep in the night...

Saturday 24 September 2011

Summer Wind

                                                    The summer's winds have all but stopped
                                                 the winter weather nears
                                     I sit beside the window and watch the year turn into years

                                               I am not sure where it all leads
                                               some say they know the plan
                                  of an immortal being with eyes aflame who holds me in his hands

                                                 But what if it is all a plot
                                                to make me do their deeds
                                         shall I follow endlessly to fulfill another's needs.

                                                What if all that they believe
                                                   is just a wicked tale
                                   a made up story to ease their pain of a life that's doomed to fail

                                           The autumn's harvest or a winter's death
                                                 a darkness will soon fall
                                 and eyes will close against the sharp reality of a lifetime's empty lull

                                              It is just a jest to press my hands
                                                  and to bend my knees
                                 pretending that I believe in something way beyond all of this and me

                                                  Shall I suffer horribly
                                                 with gnashing of my teeth
                                     shall I burn in some molten hell with others of like beliefs

                                               The bubbling pools of sulphur
                                                projected to cause me fear
                                       leave but a bitter stench that souls can be so steered

                                               For there is not but what I see
                                                there are no unknown truths
                                     from all their carols of life's rebirth I find that I must flee

                                                To the hilltop I shall take me
                                                  to the sea I shall float
                                   away to something else which pulsates echos of times remote

                                                  If there is a great spirit
                                                and should it walk with ease
                                    among the wicked and just, it cares not who tries to please

                                                 It must be so beyond us
                                                 so different from our kind
                                        how could it matter if I am good or if I am blind

                                               The entity that we call in trust
                                                to witness our good deeds
                                     cares not about the little spirits enraptured with little pleas

                                                    I know this is so
                                                  I know it hears me not
                                     for I have asked again and again to have what others got

                                              A gentle pillow to rest my head
                                                   a bowl full of soup
                                      a life to be spared from death when illness was a foot

                                                   And did it hear me
                                            I think not, it made me wait with pause
                                     I take up now my bitterness, a true and righteous cause

                                                 Look to another dream
                                                turn away from this myths
                                 this works not and must be crushed, under heavy, blacken beams.

                                                In my way I have trusted so
                                               I have walked the razor's edge
                                       my life has been for folly and I sit here now in dread

                                               I know that no matter the plea
                                              no matter how sweet the praise
                                     the God to whom I have prayed is just in some silly daze

                                               The winter's night of darkness
                                                kisses my cheek goodnight
                                     the Spring shall never call again from me it must take flight


Thursday 22 September 2011

Madness Reigns

I stepped into the puddle of a distant rain
Recollection like a thunderclap of a distant pain

I walked into the shadow of another life
Shadows never die, there’s darkness and there’s light

Reality sometimes folds into itself
Like madness invading your mental health

I flew with a blindness through a curtain of love
And the fire of creation keeps heating my blood

My emotions often swallow me into a reality outside
And I can enter a world where the secrets hide

Energy of mine dancing through calamity
And this haphazard thinking is calling insanity

@Hidden_Beth - Bullying Must Stop

This Thursdays guest blogger is Beth, her twitter account is @Hidden_Beth

These are her words.

I've never really had a childhood, I'm still only a teenager but I'm not living the life a teenager should be living, I see people my age going out enjoying themselves while I sit at home on my own wondering when this is going to end.

I've been bullied for 6 years, and its still happening now, I've been called so many names including fat and ugly, at one time I was told it would be good if I died. The bullies would throw things at me including pens and food, one time they threw a stone at my head which gave me a headache and nearly made me faint.
I'd be glad to finish school to get away from the bullies but then I'd get home to arguments and the stress my mum and dad bring home from their work. So I'd have no where to go to feel okay and safe.  Because of everything going on I soon started to think about running away, I never got to actually doing it but I still think about it now.

When I was 15 I started noticing that my mood was constantly low, I couldn't be happy anymore without having to pretend, I wasn't diagnosed with depression until I was 16, but I've probably had it for over 2 years now. You may know that one of the symptoms of depression is suicidal thoughts, I first started getting these when I was 15, but they got worse over time, now I get them everyday and I've lost count how many times I've tried to act on them. While I was in school I'd think of ways I could kill myself in school, I'd take pills into school with me everyday, I'd take scissors and I knew there was a bridge and a traintrack nearby. It was sad that bullies had got me to this point. I've also been self harming since I was 15 because it seemed like the only option left to 'make me feel happy' even if it is just for a few seconds, everything seems okay for a little while.
I don't want your sympathy because of my story, I just want you to understand how much people's words can scars someone inside and out. Bullies nearly ended my life, don't let them wreck someone else's.

Every seven seconds someone in Britain is being bullied.

And I'm hoping to raise awareness of what the long term affects of bullying are by telling my story.
I suppose I can say that my past has created who I am today, its made me a nicer person because I know what its like to have people be horrible to you.

6 years I've been bullied and it still happens sometimes, and that's only when I build up the confidence to actually leave my house, but then when the bullies see me they make comments or just give me 'dirty looks', I'm used to it now because of how long its been happening but it breaks me down a little more each time.
The bullying has had massive affects on me, I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I'm a self harmer, I've think about suicide everyday and I've acted on the thoughts many times. - The UK has the highest rate of self-harm in Europe.

I've been in counselling and I'm now in therapy but nothing seems to work, it just feels like the only thing that will make me better is if I could turn back time and make everything that has happened to me not happen if that makes sense.

I'd think there was something wrong with me, and I still do but somewhere inside my mind I know there's not.
I really wish that we could just put an end to bullying altogether. People shouldn't have to put up with it, and people shouldn't have to go through what I went through.

I’ve been in therapy for over a year and I’ve not got any better, if I’m honest I seem to have become worse.
I love my therapist to bits and she’s so lovely and supportive so its not because I don’t have a therapist that ‘works for me’ maybe its just my motivation. If the bullying had stopped I suppose things would be different.
I’ve tried to recover from self harm but I’m back to my old ways again, but I’ve made a self harm blackberry messenger support group if anyone is interested in joining :)
I have so much support from people online, they mean the world to me and I owe them so much! They’ve been with me every step of the way.

So, join me on my journey to recovery. Its been a long lonely road so I’d like some more company :)

You Raise Me Up

Wednesday 21 September 2011

Peace One Day - A Little Peace

A LITTLE PEACE - 15/05/1982
2 weeks at #1 - 9 weeks on chart

Just like a flower when winter begins
Just like a candle blown out in the wind
Just like a bird that can no longer fly
I'm feeling that way some times

But then as I'm falling, weighed down by the load
I picture a light at the end of the road
And closing my eyes I can see through the dark
The dream that is in my heart

A little lovin', a little givin'
To build a dream for the world we live in
A little patience and understandin'
For our tomorrow, a little peace
A little sunshine, a sea of gladness
To wash away all the tears of sadness

A little hopin', a little prayin,
For our tomorrow, a little peace

I feel I'm a leaf in the mound on the snow
I fell to the ground, there was no-one below
So now I am helpless alone with my song
Just wishing the storm was done

A little lovin', a little givin'
To build a dream for the world we live in
A little patience and understandin'
For our tomorrow, a little peace
A little sunshine, a sea of gladness
To wash away all the tears of sadness
A little hopin', a little prayin,
For our tomorrow, a little peace

We are feathers on the breeze
Sing with me my song of peace
We are feathers on the breeze
Sing with me my song of peace

Forever Beautiful

No sight
of any wonders
of the world,
no beautiful thing,
not anything,
could mean as much
as to see your face
look gently at me again,
no beautiful sound
could mean as much
as to hear you speak
softly to me again.
Since I lost you,
now I look
at what else
once seemed beautiful
and compared to you
it all seems dead,
lacking something
of what it once had,
compared to you,
and I would trade
all else that is beautiful
simply to know you,
so I can love you,
near to me again.
Without you near again,
everything else
that is beautiful
seems only a theory,
an aesthetic,
applied principles,
some abstractions,
resemblanced to ideas,
a technical question,
but nothing really
really beautiful.
You would always be
more beautiful
to me.

Tuesday 20 September 2011

Harrys Game

Take My Hand

Take my hand and join with me
and wander through eternity
The mists prevail but cannot stop
this journey into what is not

To be inspired while it is safe
to look at past and future embrace
as we have been and maybe yet
the future just cannot forget

What we have found this time my dear
we journeyed far to be right here
and now we look to what may be
with help we can forever see

A life that's long and lovingly clear
the two as one we should not fear
to take these steps along this path
the cosmos will countenance no attack

On us as one as it should be
this time around in unity
and journey on to what will come
in love we'll be rejoined as one.

The young Warrior

The young Warrior
is just a child
Sent to war

Abandoned in Battle
left to fight alone
against an army
of shame

His hopes shattered
by the volleys of abuse
His dreams are lost
and imprisoned

The young Warrior
is just a child
Sent to war

Bravery and strength
allowed him to survive
To shed his armour and
Free his heart to shine

Monday 19 September 2011

Far Away From Where We Are

If I knew how to buy some time,
far away from where we are,
where I could hold your hand in mine,
far from here, this repeated moment
where I still see the image
of your slender fingers,
feel the almost touch,
and end up forever wanting
to hold your hand in mine,
this crazy unexpected thing
this having fallen, how it feels,
and if I knew how
to go back to that night
even if
only to hold your hand in mine
I would, if I could,
go back,
to buy some time
nearer to each other,
far away
from where we are.

The Swan

                                                I led my life
                                Believing I was an ugly duckling.

                             I just didn't fit anywhere with anyone
                                 With any thoughts, any beliefs.
                                     Grew up with a stutter
                                 Too short for my age, too fat.
                            Hated sports, hated studies, hated life.
                                Lived in the shadow of my family
                              Tried to fit in, to please them all,
                                        Idolised people,
                                  Wished I could be like them,
                                       Never measured up.
                               My theories, my needs, my desires,
                          My definitions of happiness and contentment,
                         And still they scoffed, and still they mocked,
                               Loser, they cried and born to fail.

                                        I was after all,
                                        An Ugly Duckling.

                         And now I look around me at the life they lead,
                           These so called winners, achievers in life,
                                          And I laugh.
                           I laugh at their hypocrisies and dualities,
                                   Their egos and their pride,
                            Infinite worries and sickening ambitions,
                              I cringe at their needs and desires,
                          Their concept of God, their answers to Life,
                        Judgmental and opinionated, they follow the mob,
                            Discarding the rest who fail to conform.

                               Now I look in the mirror, and I see
                                   The Duckling is a duckling
                                     But knows he is a Swan.

                     All the answers are reflected in that face so sublime.
                           I live for the Swans, my flock by my side.

Make Your Own Kind Of Music

Listen to the words, listen carefully. Then believe.

Nobody can tell ya;
There's only one song worth singin'.
They may try and sell ya,
'cause it hangs them up
to see somone like you.

But you've gotta make your own kind of music
sing your own special song,
make your own kind of music even if nobody
else sing along.

So if you cannot take my hand,
and if you must be goin',
I will understand.

You're gonna be knowing
the loneliest kind of lonely.
It may be rough goin',
just to do your thing's
the hardest thing to do.

But you've gotta make your own kind of music
sing your own special song,
make your own kind of music even if nobody
else sings along.

So if you cannot take my hand,
and if you must be goin',
I will understand.

You gotta make your own kind of music
sing your own special song,
make your own kind of music even if nobody
else sings along.

When You Believe

Many nights we've prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood

Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains long
Before we knew we could (oh yes)

There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe (oh yeah)

In this time of fear
When prayers so often prove in vain
Hope seems like the summer birds
So swiftly flown away

Yet now I'm standing here
My heart's so full I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I'd say

There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe

They don't always happen when you ask
And it's easy to give in to your fears
But when your blinded by your pain
Can't see your way straight through the rain
A small but still, resilient voice
Says love is very near

There can be miracles(miracles)
When you believe(lord when you believe oh ho)
Through hope is frail(through hope is frail)
It's hard to kill(it's hard to kill oh oh)
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe(ooh ooh)
Somehow you will
Somehow you will
You will when you believe

Sunday 18 September 2011

Home To Stay

I hear your tender voice, it washes over me
It lifts me up, it fills my soul, sets my emotions free.
Through darkest night and brightest day
It calls me home,  this time to stay.

I've travelled far, I've travelled long
Searching high and low, wanting just to belong
I've crawled in gutters, drunk myself blind
Never knowing what I hoped to find.

I ran so far, thinking I was to blame
Punished myself, because I felt such shame
Then I heard your song, it called out to me
My eyes long dry, they wept a sea.

My tears they washed the pain away, 
Darkness left me day by day.
I climbed a mountain, better to see
The future road in front of me.

I see your smile, it warms my heart
It tells me we never more shall part
I've been to hell, but I made it back
I'm  home to stay, my bags unpacked.

The Greatest Of These Is Love

"If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away all my possessions, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends. But as for prophecies, they will come to an end; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will come to an end. For we know only in part, and we prophesy only in part; but when the complete comes, the partial will come to an end. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known. And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love."
- 1 Corinthians 13:1-13


For those who have never loved

or have never been loved in return.

To those that think it never

does or will get better.

It really does.

It does get better.

It becomes beautiful.


Give it time.

Walk not in shadow

To walk in shadow is to only be half alive.....

I spent the last forty years hiding from life. Whilst I know it futile to wish for these lost years back, equally I cannot help but mourn their passing.

It will be a  short mourning period though as I intend to live the next forty years to the maximum, in the light, not in shadow.

This week the tragedy at the Gleision Drift Mine in South Wales really hit home to me the importance of counting ones blessings. Four lives cut short in a small community but dozens of families grieving. As much as we try to plan ahead, we have no control over the  fickle hand of fate.

Don't waste time regretting what you did or didn't do, what has happened cannot be undone. If you have been dealt a difficult hand thus far, then don't make it worse by being bitter. Hate is self destroying, it will get you nowhere.

Deal with the pain and anger, with help if needs be, then move on. Otherwise those that wronged you will have a hold over you until you die. It's not easy, I know all too well. However it is the best gift you will ever give yourself. Take control of your life, make it count, enjoy every day, don't let yesterday poison tomorrow!

You did not ask for any evil that was done to you, neither did you welcome or enjoy it. You should carry no shame or blame yourself, you are the injured party.

Life is a precious thing, it can be taken so easily at anytime. Don't throw it away. I cannot
get back my forty lost years, neither can I undo any pain or event that occurred. What I can
and will do though is not let it fester inside me. Until you let the past go, that festering wound cannot heal.

One of the biggest things I learnt recently was to like and love myself. I'm not all the way there yet, but I am now well down the road.  Until you are able to do that for yourself you are never fully able to accept it or give it to another. The abusers in life like nothing better for their victims to feel shame, self loathing and fear.  Well stuff them! Do you want
them to have that control over you? Be they bullies, abusers, rapists whatever, the sin and evil is,  they are NOT yours.

Do not embrace them by calling them yours. Instead of my bullies or my abuser, always depersonalise it. The bullies, the abuser. Not my abuse, but the abuse. You don't own it, or them and neither does it or them own you.

You are a beautiful creation, learn to love yourself, to like yourself, be kind to yourself. Don't take it to extremes though... Remember you are no worse than but also no better than anyone else. Be the best you can be, make yourself and others happy, live your life, don't hide from it.

I have found my voice, and I have now found my light. It may flicker occasionally but I will never let it go out. Find the light inside yourself, it is there. Would you not rather walk in the sunshine and light than in shadow and darkness? By loving who you are your light will grow and others will see. Those who chose to walk in darkness will not want to walk in your shining glory. Make the light your friend, cherish it, nurture it, feed it with love and kindness.

Throw away the pain and bad memories, embrace who you are and walk forward into a light, bright tomorrow.

I walk with you, as do many more. You will not be alone.

“Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth.”

Saturday 17 September 2011

Touching Forever

We can never touch forever,
only wish, dream, reach for it.

It's like the wind through the trees,
on a lovely autumn day,
rustling the leaves, whispering about you.
But, it's not ours to have, just to behold.

I love you,
in a way that makes those very words,
seem meaningless, far too empty,
to convey what my heart feels.

I just know when I think of you, of us,
I think of that wind, of forever,
and reach out for it.
Knowing I can never grasp it,
I still have to try.

I love you, please, see my soul in those words,
that's the only way we can touch forever.


I see those vulnerable eyes
They're as deep as the darkest of oceans
I sense the loneliest heart
Holding back your fragile emotions
I feel you wanna let go
Inside of my arms just know
You're safe with me, let's

Dance like there's nobody watching
Sing as if no one is listening to...
What you're hearing
Love like you've never been hurt before
Try to forget if you can
And just dance

I've known the coldest of nights
Lay awake trying to stop myself dreaming
There in the emptiest space
In my head the music stopped playing
Right now all I wanna do
Is lose myself in you and me
Just be, let's

Dance like there's nobody watching
Sing as if no one is listening to...
What you're hearing
Love like you've never been hurt before
Try to forget if you can
And just dance

Why don't we dance and pretend we know how to fly
Like we've never been scared of heights
No fear of falling
Love like we've never been hurt before
Forget where our feet will land
And just dance

Mario Frangoulis

Friday 16 September 2011

The Price Of Coal

The day started with the tragic news that one of the four missing miners  trapped within the Gleision Colliery near Pontardawe, South Wales has been found dead.

All four men that were trapped have been found. They did not survive.

My thoughts and prayers are with their families and friends

The Gleision is just over a mile away from my house as the crow flies. The whole area is riddled with abandoned coal workings.

This is just some history, and a small tribute to all those who have lost their lives.

Gleision Colliery
Cilybebyll nr Rhos
South Wales

This small pit works coal under a very steep hillside above the banks of the river Tawe in Cilybebyll near Rhos. When German mines photographer, Thomas Imgrund visited the area for the second time in 2001, he found Gleision to be one of just four examples Welsh small mines. Whereas in 1992 there were around 85 of these amazing pits operating, there were only nineteen by 1997 and into 2003. Only three of these mines - Gleision, Nant Hir, and Blaentillery No.2, have somehow managed to survive.
There is a sketchy document which talks of a Gleision Colliery in Godre'graig on an NUM organisation website. This was dated 1962, but I am not sure whether it exactly the same mine. However, the present site was certainly in production by 1980 and seems to have worked continuously ever since.
The Present
Access is by two arch girder drifts. The main drift provides the rail connection, drainage, ventilation and access for the miners. The second is not rail connected and is at right angles to the main drift. It is used for emergency egress only. They utilise a 2' gauge rail system, powered by a diesel haulage engine. Hand tramming is also used to move trams from the drift mouth to the two tipplers. Surface installations consist of a generator, mess hut, and haulage engine house, stores, coal screen and loading bay, and several old caravans.
The Workings Following the main drift further inbye, the roadways are timber supported, and lead to the current workings, deep under the hillside. They work a modified pillar and stall system in the 2'6" Ynisarwed seam, and the coal face workers must work kneeling or laying down. The coal is cut by drilling and blasting within a stall and removing the fractured coal with picks. It is then hand filled by the miners onto a panzer converyor running down the back of the face, which takes it to the loading point in the main gate.
Here, another miner controls the conveyors' flow into a journey of drams. When a journey of six drams is full, it is hauled from the mine and the coal processed on the surface, and the drams let back down to be refilled.

Manpower & Production
In 2001, there were about seven men at Gleisoion, including the mine owner who himself worked underground. It is a safety lamp mine with sever water problems which require the use of a powerful sump pump. The combined problems of water and gas can cause disruption to production and development. Production was about 200 tonnes per week.

We do not have access to a formal reserves statement for Gleision. The colliery owner is finding it difficult to hire fifteen tonne lorries for road haulage, which make six journeys to the pit every day. He recently applied for permission to change his haulage arrangements to twenty tonne lorries, making three trips per day, but this was refused. The fact that the colliery has managed to survive the almost complete destruction of the S.Wales small mines industry must surely mean that the pit is currently in a sound economic situation.

 The Price Of Coal

Working Man

The Price of Coal
As you sit before the grate and stare into the fire,
Don't blame the miner for the price of coal,
Of your complaints I tire.
I shall tell you about the price of coal and the reason why
You sit at home complaining the price of coal is high.
My homeland once so beautiful like a virgin in her prime,
The mountains wild and rugged, undisturbed by the march of
But now my homeland has been ravished and its resources
The price of coal was far too high, men crippled, killed and
The price of coal was far too high, from Wales they tore the
Deep within its stinking pits Wales was ripped apart,
And all to line the pockets of coal owners far away.
The price of coal was far too high
But the Welsh were made to pay.
Anthony Davies
Port Talbot ©

Thursday 15 September 2011

The Greatest Love Of All

The greatest love of all
Comes from within
Deep within my soul
In the core of my being
Is the essence of me.

Moments of my heart
Signs of my thoughts
Reflections of my mind
Come from within.

All that I was
All that I am
All that I will be
Within me rest.

Peace is within
Happiness is within
Strength is within.

In my soul love grows
In my spirit love shows
From my heart love flows.

The greatest love there is
Boundless, limitless, infinite
Transcends time and space.

This is the love that I offer
This is the love that I give
This is the greatest love of all
It is love that comes from within.


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