Thursday, 16 August 2012
A Song of Life: Being DID via @jeffssong
I met Jeff online about a year ago. We have quite a few things in common.
JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He still struggles with that past, things he's done, done to him. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)
This is a copy of a recent post from his blog.
About a week ago (it seems), a blogger asked a very important question which has for a long time bothered me: “How many are there in you?”. (Thanks, Hobs! – evil grimace, friendly grin, et cetra ad infinitum.) And if you look up there at my ‘menu bar’ you will see a new entry: “Who Are ‘WE’?”.
Now I’ve tried this before without much success. The system is so complicated . . . realizing alters (alternate personalities) have their own alters makes it even more difficult. But it’s the truth; that’s where some of my “Groups” have come from. And it makes sense. My wife, who I talked to about this, agrees: A host developed new alters to handle his situation, then when a new situation emerged which required a new host, new alters were built to handle the transition (the old host had ‘failed’) – and then the new host, in response to his situation, built new alters of ‘his’ own. Therefore are more ‘alters’, ‘entities’, ‘constructs’, ‘ghosts’, and ‘beings’ – than I had originally suspected. Originally I thought there were just three or four – then last year sometime I was willing to admit the number might be more – even in the high teens. But now? Now I find there are over (perhaps) thirty of them, with the potential for more.
Here is a ‘still’ from a movie I made a long time ago which showed rotating shells protecting a central core. The original was an AVI format which this website will not display; I will have to convert it to an animated GIF or some other suitable format later on . . .
Imagine a series of broken shatter ‘shells’ (read ‘selves’ or ‘alters’) rotating and counter-rotating around a central core (unseen). These are the ‘parts’ to myself. Each was constructed to ‘protect’ someone ‘inside’ – and each has parts of its own.
Yeah, it’s that complicated – somewhat. But here you go, Hobs: what you asked for – a summary ‘list’ of my beings. Read my “Self-Inventory” for more – and a complete (as far as I can tell) list and understanding how ‘this’ system works . . . and be aware that not all are available for ‘conversation’; some are only internal beings – they work for ‘me’ and ‘ours’ – helping ‘us’ to heal in some ways, learn more in others.
People kept asking . . . so there ya go.
DID & Me: Self-Inventory – July, 2012
To understand a person with DID, you have to understand their ‘system’ and how it works. While there may be similarities between two people with a dissociative identity diagnosis, no two systems are the same. As best I can determine and describe this is ‘mine’ at this time. Be aware that it can change.
The first rule of a DID system is every rule can be broken.
Dynamics: A dynamic system can evolve to meet new circumstances. I have a “dynamic” system. New personalities can be formed, usually starting with the creation of a persona. Depending upon how long a persona exists, it can develop into a permanent alter. An alter’s power and influence can ‘fade’ over time, but they cannot be destroyed. At best they become dormant. We several dormant alters. Some must be kept dormant to protect society and ourselves. They do not fit society and can present a physical danger to others or my self / selves.
“3 on Top”. This rule dictates only 3 alters may be ‘active’ and in control at a time. More than three and the ‘system’ can become unstable and crash. Crashing is like a computer rebooting – we ‘disassociate’ almost completely and then come back together to face the situation which caused the crash. This is where what I have dubbed “the Tinkertoy System” comes in.
A Tinkertoy system can mix and blend various alters either spontaneously or on command, which adds to the flexibility and complexity of the system’s dynamics. Cooperative co-conscious alters can merge to some degree in order to present a desired persona or survival trait. An example would be ‘me’ (the host) merging two ‘selves’ (or groups of selves – more on that later) – to form a ‘new’ persona (or ‘mask’) to a person, group, or culture. “We” are DID in part due to the need to assimilate and adapt into new cultures and environments. A year ago only certain ‘groups’ (think of them as individuals with alters of their own) and alters could merge; others were incompatible with each other. For instance, neither my teenage alter nor the “Beast” could merge with Little Mikie (who is controlled by Little Michael) because of hatred issues based on the shame ‘they’ (the older alters) felt at what the younger ones had done. Many of my alters had grouped into factions which were at war with each other, causing self-harm, highly destructive behaviors, and constant suicidal idealization.
There are multiple categories of ‘alters’ within a DID system, ‘ours’ is no different. In order to create an accurate, logical inventory, we have decided to try inventorying “ourselves” again. The descriptions are presented in general order of influence and power; eg. Hosts are more powerful (or exert more influence) than transients; transients more powerful than ghosts.
These are the most important individuals. They are not ‘groups’, nor can they form groups, but they have groups of their own. These are alters developed to present to the outside world, and to manage (to some degree) inner alters, hosts, ghosts, and artificial creations. Each alter has ‘my’ birth name, though ‘we’ have learned to differentiate both for the outside world (making sense of it all to you) – and our inner one(s). We have three hosts – the former child, the teen, and our adult self (typing this). However, using our given name will not ensure the ‘rise’ of a particular alter, host, or being. It simply gets most of ‘our’ attention.
Note: It is important to be aware that while each ‘host’ IS an individual, each ‘host’ created alters in their time. Therefore in a sense each host is a ‘group’ – they are ruled by the dominance of the Crowd (hence my saying we are a majority run system) – but ‘they’ can stand alone as well, putting their ‘alters’ aside – or sharing them with us. When a particular ‘host’ shuts down, ‘we’ can lose all ‘his’ memories – as well as the memories and skills ‘inside’ him or possessed by someone inside him.
These are personalities that were being developed for what was perceived as a permanent situation – and then the situation changed, making them unsuitable for the environment they were in. Think of them as ‘aborted hosts’. We have numbers for some, eg. “13” and “21”. They are still hosts of a kind, but limited, crippled, and most of them are hurting inside. They were not fully formed before ‘we’ had to move on. In a sense some “died”. Many of these transitory beings were used as stepping stages to building a new long-term host, unknown to the conscious mind.*
Ghosts are beings which have been built on someone else, generally a outside person in our environment who had some major effect on us by simply being there or being an influential person in our lives.
“Beings” or “Entities”.
These are some of our oldest group. One of them is a “Recorder”, the ‘person’ responsible for recording our lives. We found he could “split” into 3 clones during information overload and depending upon our desire to learn. He resembles an old college professor, bald pate, with white lab coat – somewhat lanky – twinkling eyes and a vast amount of storage space. (10 to the 10 Gigs is what he says – which makes sense, given what we’ve read about the current amount of information the human brain can hold.) There is some information which he keeps hidden from us. In our mind he ‘lives’ in sort of a college lecture auditorium, stands behind a high desk (where he keeps his notes and ‘things’ – meaning notes we can’t or are not allowed to read) – and he ‘stores’ said information in a tall circular ‘room’ in our head, quite like a towering warehouse.
Another is a group of Scientists we keep on hand for topological information, analysis of fact, and some of our logic skills. “They” (the Scientist Group) are broken down by specialty; eg.you have the “Astronomers Clique” (which includes some of the General Physics Group), the Life Sciences (including, but not limited to Genetic Engineering, following life cycle trends, and keeping an eye on ‘things’ – meaning medical science and advances in anything ‘life’ related, including the Ecological Group – which is in turn broken down into several internal groups, such as the “Urban Clique” (for analyzing neighborhood type animal/plant lifestyles), the “Wild Clique” (true wildlife heroes), and other such similar groups. Each group is responsible for remembering what we read; only life experiences go into the Recorder mode (though he may keep some notes, too). They are collaborative, cooperative, and serve the entire being.
These are ‘beings’ or entities which we knowingly created on our own. All were created by a ‘host’ at our command, or what ‘he’ (the living actual host at the time) thought was his own internal motivation and/or command. One of our first artificial constructs was “the Soldier” – created by “M1”, or “Little Michael”, our very first ‘human being’ (host). He created the Soldier to satisfy the demands of his father and his own heart. He wanted so much to be the “little Soldier” that his dad would admire and feel proud of. Again, he failed – but that didn’t keep him from adding to the Soldier’s stock of inventory in terms of the “military machine” – how to jump wearing parachutes, how to lay a mine . . . that kind of stuff.
The next totally artificial being I am aware of building was “The Machine” – a really tough one built by “13” (a transitory host) who had the seeds of our Teen, aka “M2” (2nd host), aka Matthew Washington. This was partially initiated by “Little Michael” the little one who was still in feeling lonely and betrayed by his emotions – love, especially, and “13” who discovered nothing remains the same and decided he was done with friends – forever – for it seems you only ended up losing them . . . Together with some help from various alters, ghosts, and beings – the Teen was born in the Machine. He was born there to protect him, but got out later on – (and soon after “21” – a transitory host – was born).
So . . . with this rough list in hand, we will begin ‘assembling’ and/or describing our system as best we can. Bear in mind: this is a dynamic system, and not only can ‘it’ change (new personalities can be created) – but the ‘power’ or ‘influence’ of various elements can change (quite radically perhaps in some cases) depending upon the environment ‘we’ are in.
Hosts and/or “Major Players” are in Bold – often deal with the real world and its problems and ‘things’. Label in parenthesis indicates apparent ‘type’. They are presented (roughly) in order of appearance / development.
“Baby”. (Dormant). Assumed to have developed into “the Toddler”.
“The Toddler” (Early Host? Dormant.) Typical human toddler who was beginning to have some problems; ‘he’ developed the ability for disassociation and for projecting our mind inwards. He lost his fear when his mom tried to kill him. He is able to separate himself from reality somewhat. (Eg. ‘Going away’ in his head to envision life in an orphanage named “The Bad Boys Home” while his mom faked calls (threats of abandonment) – and how life would be for boys like him.
“Little Michael”. (Host. Active, but with little influence. That is changing as ‘we’ work with him to shed his ‘alter ego’, Little Mikie. “He” was using the plural terms of “we” mentally at about age 6, though not out. “He” is for the other kids to play with. “He” is used to sucking up punishment – but not enough . . . “He” goes on to build our first true alter . . . We suspect ‘he’ was developed in part to help “the Toddler” because Little Michael thinks rationally through problems instead of feeling panic or fear (something his mom did to him). His alters (which he protects very diligently) are “The Toddler” and “The Baby”, while he relies on all of “us” to protect ‘him’.
“The Soldier”. (Entity/Being – started as an Artificial Construct). Mostly Dormant. Created by Little Michael to impress his dad. Kept for defense and offensive measures; for bearing pain. Handed ‘over’ to Little Mikie whenever Little Mikie ‘took over’.
“Little Mikie”: (Entity. Active.) Little Mikie is a projection created by Little Michael to deal with grownups, his own sex life, and for handling “the Soldier”. “He loves sex,” would be one way of putting it. Seven to ten years old – he started losing power around 10 or 11. Intensely curious, loves to please, always with a bright smile . . . but is basically a puppet for “Little Michael” and the injured Toddler. Little Mikie is ‘fading’ as attempt to force / help “Little Michael” become ‘more himself’. When we find we are dealing with “Little Mikie” we go to Little Michael to find out why. He uses that persona on us / other people else, except when we are having sex. That is when Little Mikie comes out due to his eagerness to please. Little Michael, 13, and Little Mikie all want to be held after sex. Not dormant, he is able to stand great pain – and holds great love.
“Jeremy”. Temporary Host. Dormant. Built specifically for dealing with the Germans and exploring German architecture and it’s culture. Controlled by Little Michael and Little Mikie. Of no real importance except he contains a lot of our memories from ‘over there’ exploring and all.
“13”. Transitory Host / Entity. Active (because we are working with him to reduce his pain). He appearedt when we came back to the United States and found the place where we grew up had changed. Instead of ‘our’ house we were living in our abuser (aka molester’s) house, and all friends were gone except one family which had also changed. We are ‘growing up’ around this time. Divorce among parents begins. Two schools and three moves in one year helped contribute to his misery and confusion. Racial tensions. “13” got hit (and bit) by a LOT of things (which explains why he is so depressed, angry, lonely and sad). 13 currently has much ‘power’ since ‘we’ are working with him – trying to alleviate his pains, his internal sadness, agony at losing friends . . . there’s a lot ‘wrong’ with him; he’s a boy in much pain . . . “WE” all know ‘he’ contains ‘others’ (Jeremy, perhaps Sarah, Samuel, perhaps ‘others’) inside . . . and that when ‘he’ goes into hiding we can lose a lot of our mind (read: memories).
“The Machine” – Host / Entity / Artificial Construct. Dormant. Built by “13” along with some ‘help’ from his friends, “The Machine” was supposed to be an emotionless ‘being’ modeled after a machine – no love, no hate, no anger, no anything. And it worked, albeit barely (after all, we ARE human whether we like it or not) – but it set the ball rolling for our hatred of love and ‘things’ (emotional responses to anything at all, including rage, hatred, love, envy, jealousy . . . any emotion was up for suppression; however, the ones which hurt us most were specifically targeted to be ‘kept out’ and/or ‘kept in’ the Machine. This entity was VERY strong for a long time, up until ‘we’ were 21 or so (both the personality, the mind, and the body).
The Teen, aka Michael, aka Matthew Washington. HOST for a long time. Very active, still powerful and controlling. A typical teenager with issues of his own; biological sexuality is now blooming (though we were a late bloomer – an issue for years – didn’t get pubic hair until we were about 15) . . . violent, unstable, illogical sometimes; given to rages and loss of self and control. He is a repository of most of our technical information and is ‘allowed’ access to scientific knowledge; a LOT of control . . . one of our ‘good’ drivers, though he is apt to take a chance . . . imagine a hard core teen with survival traits out the kazoo. “He” (and 13) studied survival for a LONG time . . . of many kinds.
The Marine: Artificial Construct which became an Entity. Active. About 21 years old. A younger Marine PFC or Pvt., well trained and educated with devotion to Duty, Country, and “fellows” (men under his command or other Marines or Servicemen.) He is dedicated to protecting Civilians, especially Americans. The Soldier guides him in the field, but he mediates what the Soldier does since the Soldier can be inhumanly brutal and cruel (due to the Soldier’s associations with “The Beast”), up to and including killing infants, women, children – you name it. The Marine (and others) keep the Soldier and the Beast in check – and kept them in check in the field when we could have actually hurt someone without meaning to.
“Sarge”. Entity evolved from “the Marine”. A subset of “the Marine”. Older (24 or so). Developed in order to take care of responsibilities, especially towards ‘our men’ (troops under our command) which meant shutting down certain emotions and reinforcing others. One, for instance, was love. We loved many of them – and fell in love with one – but weren’t allowed to express it. Indeed, we had to be prepared to sacrifice people we loved – our love and our men, in our devotion to duty, country, and our other men.
The Beast. Entity. Semi-active. Age unknown (ancient). “He” has always been with us to some degree; however, he ‘solidified’ under 13′s tenure, and then again under the Marine and “21” (another transitory being). Imagine an inhumanly cruel, vicious, sociopathic monster that makes Satan look pale by comparision. “The Beast” long held a desire to ‘consume and burn’ – everything. “He” is under control and ‘drowsing’ in a field in a forest (of Oz) in our mind. “He” more closely resembles “Puff the Magic Dragon” right now – and our ‘kids’ can play with him. He’s finally learned to love somewhat . . . and we hope to build within him a hatred towards destruction anymore . . . This used to be a very powerful, sometimes ruling entity and could be quite cruel. “He” hasn’t lost his power . . . just ‘temporarily’ set it aside . . . just in case it’s needed sometime. He is controlled by the Soldier, Little Michael, the teen and the Marine, D.A. Michael and some others.
“21”. Temporary Host. Semi-active. Born in under 15 minutes on a fair ride (quite literally – on a ride at a fair). Occurred when the Teen recognized and realized we needed love and he had failed. At that point the Teen pretty much ‘threw up his hands and died” – and 21 was ‘born’. 21 began working on our issues. It was then we began realizing we’d been abused and were not normal in some ways . . . one being that ‘I’ (or he) had disparate parts inside that did not think or ‘feel’ like him. . . and some of them had names. 21 is fairly dormant, but still troubled, and still aids us in helping to analyze what happened at that time (ages 20-25). He has a very specific ‘location’ (a small room where we all worked for some time in a huge old WWII building at the back of a huge Army base . . . ordering ‘things’ by the hundreds. We had an unlimited budget back then. Quite literally: backed by the entire Federal Government. Millions of dollars were spent . . . by our own hand.)
“Whistler”. (Ghost? Alter? Approximately 18-24 years old?) Active, but not allowed influence (if we can help it). A nice guy but dangerous in some ways. Haunts the Dark City alleys in the Neighborhood of my mind . . . and whistling . . . and lurking in my mind. We will not discuss him at this time except to say that you would not like him. He is nice to you . . . and more. Just not going there with him; this guy ‘we’ have to keep under strict control, lock and key, all the time. Just not going there with him. But we have had our fights sometimes – some REAL fights sometimes (cutting, burning, cauterizing it out of him . . .)
“24”. Transient Alter. Dormant. Not really sure, but this may have been the ‘birth’ of the current host being (M3) or “Michael” and the adult host being. May have taken two years to ‘evolve’, leading into something just ‘sensed’ at this time: #26. We’re not sure.
M3, aka Mike aka Michael: Current Host. Alter, Active. Fair amount of influence. 38 years old ‘mentally’; 52 physical. Limited power. Mostly I ‘work’ with my alters to help ‘run’ the system, “I” am there for my wife (sometimes); I am the one who make responsible decisions, watches the budget (“party-pooper!” I hear in my head, LOL!) – but I am a majority system and therefore must ‘bow’ to majority rule. THAT, however, does not mean I won’t make fight, stand my ground, and argue with the ‘others’ to make a point or change ‘their’ minds . . . however, “I” can be ‘shuffled away’ – and the ‘grownup’ in me sort of ‘disappears’ until he’s needed again. Think “long distance manager’ – though I might be the one talking to you face to face most times. I am also “split up” into various alters, one being “the Businessman” (exactly what the name indicates) – kinda cold-blooded, hard, and calculating, “the Father” (to all my insiders and some else); the father to my daughter, and sometimes ‘someone else’ depending upon the mixture of my ‘alters’ that I chose to display and/or ignore. “I” am often not aware of ‘things’ in the background; ‘they’ make plans and . . . well, quite frankly, I’m confused some of the time, and yes: I really ‘doubt’ this thing (DID system) – and hate it sometimes – but have made the decision to ‘go along’ – and ‘we’ have (in general) been much happier since, so I “bite the bullet” and go down/under sometimes.
Jeffery Thompson: (Entity/Semi-host). “WE” offered him hosting duties, but “he” declined. “HE” does not WANT to be boss of us. HE is just here to ‘help us along’. In our mind ‘he’ was ‘sent’ by someone else (perhaps God, in our mind.) We’re not sure, but we’re certainly glad ‘he’ came! (Born Jan 1, 2011, ‘appeared’ and made himself known on April Fools Day 2011.) This is our mediating being; a therapist, the ‘one’ who helps ‘us’ settle things internally; who brought us around to loving ourselves and one another; helped us determine our relationships to ourselves and others; determines plot & strategy for us as a whole, . . . This is a very important Being to us. We really are not sure of what all ‘he’ is doing – except all he’s done is help us, he has a ‘clean’ mind; a single goal: of helping ‘us’ to survive, thrive, and love one another and ‘build’ a more and better cooperative system . . . and something else . . . something along the religious line, which brings us to the . . .
D.A. Michael” (Dark Angel Michael), aka (full name) Angel With Dark Wings (Hands Full of Sorrow): Fairly Dormant, but can be Activated at any time. Very close to the ‘core’, and part of our spiritual being, future, and past being. He has been severely damaged in his ‘last fight’ (if you believe in reincarnations – and of angels, too.) No, he isn’t Archangel Michael – not by a long shot. As best described he might be a platoon leader for him – and he ‘leads’ little children because their hearts are pure and brave in battle – like no others are. And ‘his’ children ‘died’ in some God-awful battle . . . ‘sometimes’ and ‘somewhere’. “We” see him standing on a cliff overlooking an immense battlefield . . . somewhere far off; perhaps on a different ‘planet’, perhaps on a distant plane . . . he lost the ‘fight’ (or the will to fight) to something – over grief, perhaps, for his dying children . . . all of US are gathered around him; ‘we’ support him but he will lead us in the end, ‘we’ feel . . . towards something greater than ourselves and the Final Battle . . . we’ll see. Not everyone makes it to that end; some of us have different destinies when ‘we’ are released from this human body; this human ‘machine’ . . .
The Core: sensed and found last year early April. Imagine a ball of streaming fireballs interlaced with one another whirling around – neither warm nor cold, but like a lot of minds! – chasing one another’s tails all around; sort of a ‘solid’ entity – to ‘us’ it represents a lot of what we think god looks like: a multimind, comprised of billions upon billions of souls . . . all working towards some common goals . . . along with some ‘dark ones’ on the other side . . . Effects? Unknown.
“Satan” – Active alter of limited influence. ‘We’ split ‘Satan’ into two parts: The Insane Baby and Satan. Satan is our friend, but he can lie, do tricks (trick someone), deceive, play nasty games.
Satan’s Insane Baby: Active, but as best we can not allowed any influence our our decisions internally or externally. The ‘howling bad parts’ of that personality. Can cause depression, guilt, pain – but ‘our children’ take care of him. Sealed off from the rest of ‘us’, but can cause problems
Which leads us to a trick we do – or did. Having been faced with the ghost of “MOM” (yes, modeled after my mother – but an evil hissing thing) – we ‘split’ that ghost into two beings, one being “MOM” (still insane and living in the rocks of my mind – hissing, evil gloating, pessimism, putting down – undermining – ‘she’ tries to do this but ‘we’ ignore her at this time), and the ‘rest’ – the things we wanted ‘her’ (mom) to be we split off and made into:
Aoela (Ghost, Active, Low Influence) – a woman in my mind, made from the remnants of ‘MOM’ . . . and something else. Aoela is a strange being; a ‘made up woman’ sometimes – and sometimes quite real. She is very hurt by her OWN past – which is not mine! “Her” past comes from ancient times – a long sad story about an ancient priestess who fell in love with someone . . . maybe another reincarnation of our “Michael, Angel With Dark Wings and Hands Full of Sorrow” – but their love was doomed to failure; she was killed when she began to preach in the concept of there being one god after all . . . sacrificed on the Temple steps right there in front of the crowd . . . really looks like old . . . I don’t know. Older than Romans. Dirty, dusty, nasty . . . But she lives on my Island along with all (or most of) the kids . . .
At about the same time Aoela showed up (last year) along comes Sarah (Ghost, Active, Low Influence), then Samuel. As best I can determine these two kids are related; perhaps sister and brother, and they were murdered. Aoela takes care of them. This is part of her learning to be a proper mother (whispers a voice in my mind. So that makes 2:
Samuel: (Ghost, Active, Low Influence) I’m not certain that he is a Jewish kid; I think this was before Judism evolved. But something went wrong; their village / whatnot was attacked (by pirates come the words, but I think ‘he’ means ‘terrorists’ or thugs of some kind) . . . his sister hacked up and so is him . . .
Note: there is a notion in my mind that his sister may have been reincarnated into Aoela, but I’m really not quite sure. This is all a fiction as far as “I” am concerned – but a fairly stable fiction at that. I can’t quite seem to ‘get rid’ of ‘them’ – but I’m all right with that.
Religious Man, aka “Dad”. Ghost, Active, High Influence. Just like my old man, only spouting religion (Christian beliefs), making me try to feel guilt all the time (just like ‘MOM’), lives in a narrow ‘room’ surrounded by his books (very much like real life nowadays) – bedevils me with questions, is insanely rightwing conservative (rabidly so); can be highly prejudiced against some groups (example: people with AIDS: feels they are a religious curse visited most justly by god on them . . . including the little kids who were just born with it . . . doesn’t matter . . .)
The Recorder: Entity, Active, Very Important! Been with ‘us’ a long time. Can split ‘himself’ into 3 beings (temporarily, of course!) – until the information stops flooding in. Useful for classes and tech details, too.
The Scientists Crowd: Entities, Active, at least four or five. May just be ‘one’ with many ‘facets’ or ‘sides’ to him. Minimum requirement for most things. Known ‘sides’ include (but are not limited to):
Astronomy / Physics
Social & Mind Science
All Other Sciences
The Crowd: Number unknown. Best guess? To infinity – or thereabouts. Each is represented by the ‘possibility’ of a personality and/or ‘double’ (whatever that means; it’s the first time I’ve found I’ve used it in DID talk; perhaps it means “quining”, as in to duplicate a computer program a second time.
There are also ‘ghosts’ or remnants of ‘other’ personalities – some that were formed at this ‘school’ or that one; ones formed – and then (partially) destroyed, ‘faded’, or just ‘gone away’. We can ‘sense’ them in our minds sometimes – hints of flavors, like; or seeing smoke and smelling a color. What effect – or influence – ‘they’ have on my mind, I don’t know. Which brings me to the ‘greatest’ or ‘biggest’ group of all:
There is the constant murmuring of “the Crowd” – a dense set of ‘beings’ which is really hard to ignore – and ‘parts’ of myself can ‘disappear’ into it, organizing some; forming ‘factions’ – lots of things. You’ve got to remember: DID (for me) is dynamic system, but ‘major players’ and quite a few of the minor ones are represented here for all to see. There are ‘other’ children, and “the pretend ones” on our Island nation – but those are for entertainment and the Crowd and to “take care of things” (meaning the health of our internal selves). Imagine a small Hawian type of nation, complete with a fat dark skinned chief dressed in a grass skirt . . . his friends, village, family . . . a very complete ‘thing’ and ‘vision’ to me – our ‘healing place’ sometimes, and a ‘place’ for our kids complete with ‘friends’ for them to play with . . .
This ‘place’ has also been around with ‘us’ for a long long time . . . I think it started when I was about 12 and read “Lord of the Flies” . . . and it started from there, this fantasy ‘island’ coupled with some science fiction I had read complete with Margaret Meade’s work on island nations (and the sexuality within) . . .
Lots of things.
The Ice World (no longer in use). This is a place where we ‘stored’ the boy (Little Michael, and therefore ‘his’ projection-turned-persona, Little Mikie) for a long while – over a decade and some years. This was both for our protection and ‘his’ in some ways, but it was a very hard thing to do and made us self-harm and suicidal.
The Island World: A place for healing, it has what I call “Pretend Beings” – items created for our ‘others’ – and yet in a way ‘they’ (the natives of our Island) are very real, in that ‘they’ love and can advise ‘us’ sometimes – very healing. And there’s no way it’s on Earth, or even (perhaps) in our local galaxy. An imaginary world, it has a horizon (deepening, with stars) that helps indicate how ‘we’ all are feeling.
The Dome (with it’s hallways). An old system of control; abandoned now, but the hallways (lined with doors) aren’t – ‘they’ contain our loves from the past – like long diamond shards suspended over stone pedestals, they can hurt and cut, but are beautiful to hold. “We” are very careful about ‘handling’ them because, well . . . it’s love. Lost and found again. And again and again and again. Until it hurt to hold them. So ‘we’ put them ‘there’ as part of our building the Machine . . . in order to get rid of those emotions. (Love.)
Dark City: Whistler’s place.
Oz Woods: The Clearing – where the ‘dragon’ or our old “Beast” ‘sleeps’.
The Babies Room: Where we keep all our insane ‘babies’. One of them is Satan, or at least a part of ‘him’. Another is a miniature version of ‘our mom’. Our ‘children’ take care of them.
I think “the Toddler” built “Little Michael” to deal with grownups and kids – and to shield himself from his mom (and perhaps dad). Perhaps Little Michael built the Beast around this time; more likely the Toddler did. Little Michael then built Little Mikie to handle pain, deal with grownups – while ‘he’ (Little Michael) kept himself around to play with the kids, go to school, and have fun. The two are intangled, with Little Mikie being more of a ‘puppet’ for Little Michael to hide behind.
Little Michael then ‘built’ the Soldier as a conscous effort (happened when we were about 7 or 8 – I can still recall the exact time, place, moment, et all on that one).
A temporary personality was apparently ”built” for our move to North Carolina (#9). He relinquished control when ‘we’ came back ‘home’ again.
This personality may have cropped up again when we moved to Germany. This is where “Jeremy” appeared. Our “little soldier” was strengthened by this experience.
Coming back, “13” was born, but soon gave the reins over to “The Machine”, in which the Teenager (Matthew) was born.
At 17 the Marine was born. He continued until “21”, at which point the Sargent was ‘born’. Then “24” (an adjustment in personality), then “26” (the age we were married – and found ourselves living with a woman and family – 3 kids). Then ‘I’ (M3) was ‘born’.
Last year Jeffery Thompson was born, along with Aoela, Samuel, Sarah, and Satan. We became aware of “Dad” aka “Religious Man” and “MOM”, the evil being. MOM we split into two beings; one became the insane side of her, the other (I suspect) went into the building of Aoela. Her ‘two kids’ (Samuel and Sarah) I rather suspect were built to ‘help’ her and others in my mind (playmates for Little Mikie, Little Michael, and the other little ones).
Theories, Suspicions, and Hypotheses
How the system is set up (currently working):
Sarah, Samuel, Aoela, live on the Island unless I call them up. Little Mikie often stays on the island, but he can come up on his own; however, ‘we’ have managed to ‘train’ him so he is more in line with “Little Michael” – as an attempt to ‘blend’ the two into one – a ‘real’ Little Michael. Getting ‘him’ (Little Michael) to realize he can set this ‘puppet’ down is a big thing to us at this time.
Little Michael hides a lot, but he’s ‘coming forward’ a bit more as we zoom in / hone in and quit getting tricked by him into thinking he is little Mikie or vis versa.
3 on Top, Majority Rules; the Scientists side and a lot of general knowledge is shared by all and the Recorder is bound to give certain information to all.
I suspect that Samuel & Sarah are ‘non-entities’, that is, ‘they’ were ‘sent’ or set up simply for ‘training’ our feminine side how to behave – be unlike our real human mother in some ways (no more violence, hitting, clawing . . . sigh . . . the list goes on) . . . However, if you believe in reincarnation, ‘they’ have a story to tell – and they are all ‘linked’ or tied together – D.A. Michael, Aoela, Samuel, & Sarah – listed in the order which ‘they’ appeared or emerged from the ‘system’.
An atheist would say it’s just an over-active imagination.
A spiritualist would say I’m possessed by many souls & minds.
A psychologist would say I’ve made a ‘self-adjusting system’ which is attempting to heal itself in some way.
“We” can build new alters “on-the-fly”; new ones may be emerging. A new one – or a new host – may be being ‘built’ without ‘us’ becoming aware. There appears to be other forces working inside of us of which we are unaware. Jeffery Thompson, for instance – we did not know he was there until ‘he’ just suddenly ‘appeared’. “He” is also the alter we most use for online communication. Several have been ‘hooked up’ (our creative ‘part’, for which we have no name – ‘he’ comes from the ‘core’ and is present in all of us) – to form permanent and temporary associations, such as our “Elvis” persona (which is a mixture of some more). LOL, and no, he’s not a singer at all; he’s a writer and is ‘modeled’ on Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens). And his “piano” (he ‘plays’ in an old dusty auditorium) is our keyboard. He is most apt to make some wry commentary – and ‘helps’ take care of our ‘kids’ – and has helped quite a bit in ‘us’ getting ‘their’ stories out of them.
This is the end of this current Inventory. Be aware conditions can change. Like any ‘society’, family, or group of beings, power ‘struggles’ can happen and opinions can ‘change’ as one group or another ‘takes over’ – which, by the way, makes me the most excellent devil’s advocate – since the current ‘being’ can believe and feel what he says – while the ‘rest of us’ know he’s very wrong, or is supporting an unpopular argument.
*We do many things like that – without permission or psychological clue to the hosting beings; that is, ‘we’ develop plans (some very long term ones, ranging in terms of not just years, but decades hence) and trick or force the host into them. This is a common method we learned when we were rather young. I am not certain how it came about except that it had something (perhaps) to do with my dad and his psychological experiments on us.
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