Dealing With Nightmares

Nightmares are just a means of allowing hidden fears and feelings to emerge, but because they emerge in the way they do, they can be extremely difficult to control or mask them.Note the word can be, it does not say they cannot.
Survivors often relive the abuse they suffered in the form of nightmares, and often it can manifest into what seems almost real, in that they "dream" what might have happened, or could have happened, which is often even scarier.

Here are some of the factors that permit nightmares to occur
1. Meeting/seeing someone who resembles your abuser, allowing the memories to creep back.
2. Hearing or reading about another persons story of abuse, which may mirror the abuse you suffered, which then awakes hidden thoughts, fears and feelings for you.
3. Feeling ill, depressed, lonely or sad, often leading to enforced isolation, and the downward spiral continues.
4. Being stressed, including holidays, visits to people's houses, etc.
5. Being humiliated by someone, left feeling powerless, which evokes bad memories for you.
6. Seeing news programmes or tv scenes depicting children being hurt or dying.
Many things on a daily basis can remind you of the past, so one way forward is to talk those fears through, and gradually see that whatever did happen to you, you were in no way to blame.
In order to release that feelings you need to let those feelings of blame move back to their rightful owners, which is the people or person who created them for you, namely your abuser(s)
Although the following sounds easy, it will take time, its not easy, but is possible and in doing so, you will get restful, undisturbed sleep.
To begin with, you should take a look at changing your bedtime routine; this can take many forms, so here are just a few that could work:

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1. Changing the physical layout of your room, perhaps moving the bed to somewhere that feels safer, maybe facing the door.
2. If you leave a light on, turn it off, don't read before you sleep, or do if you don't.
3. Turn off the radio if you listen to one, or perhaps leave a radio on to help you rest, and feel safe
4. Instead of surfing the Net, watching TV etc, change the routine, read a book, listen to music, arrange things for tomorrow.
5. Reflect back aloud on the day you had, what went wrong, what could have been done better, and finish off with what you achieved, all this will work to put you in a calmer frame of mind.
6. Take a bath, with music, candles, incense sticks, whatever works for you.
7. Join a session of relaxation classes, and learn how to relax
8. Avoid sleeping in the daytime, sleeping at the wrong time upsets your internal body clock, so get into a routine, and sleep will come to you.
Above all else, make sure that you have enough sleep every night, otherwise you will feel too tired, physically and emotionally to be of any good to yourself, never mind others.
Learn to trust someone again, allowing them to help you go leave the past behind, and go beyond the destructive feelings that you have
You can kick the past back where it belongs, rest assured this method works, continues to work for survivors, and it can work for you, so re-read it again, making sure you don't skip any of the advice offered, unless you want to that is
Still stuck, try this then ~ Some tips to help you control the dreams that may haunt you
It can help to write down what you've dreamed, (have pen and paper to hand, so you can write it down and get back to sleep again.)

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1. Free Writing
Start anywhere and just keep writing whatever comes to mind. Don't censor or edit anything out. It's like free associating onto a piece of paper. Record everything you are thinking and feeling. If you get stuck, simply write "I'm stuck, I'm stuck..." over and over again until a new association comes up. Then keep writing.
Or write down each element of the dream, then write a stream of consciousness for each one. Compare what you wrote for each element of the dream. Look for similarities and patterns. Hold onto these writings - and go back to them later on. Days or weeks later you may see something that you missed the first time around.

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2. Free Association
To unpack the various meanings of a dream, take each object, person, situation, etc. and free associate to them, one at a time. What does it remind you of? What comes to mind when you think of that element of the dream? Let your imagination go. Let your attention wander. Come up with as many associations as possible. Do this in your head, or talk out loud. If you let yourself go with this, something will come up - a memory, an idea, a feeling. It may not tell you "The Meaning" to the dream, but it will give you pieces to the puzzle.

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Stressed? Dreaming dreams you'd rather not?
If you're stressed during the day, that stress will, without doubt, emerge during your sleeping hours, as that is the bodys way of dealing with stress.
Sometimes the dreams you have can be in the form of symbols or as enactments of different scenes but ones which bring out the same emotions - anger, frustration, grief - whatever is causing you distress, and understandably, some of those dreams are extremely disturbing.
You can turn this around and learn to interpret these dreams to try to identify exactly what it is that is causing you problems, and keeping a dream diary is often very enlightening.
If your dreams are really terrifying, they are deemed to be night terrors (nightmares) These can be a sign of more severe stress or a deeper emotional problem. You might want to look at the page on Post Traumatic Stress first for more information on the subject.
Normal dreams are a safety valve for the mind, allowing you to work through situations which have had impact on you during the day.
Don't expect your dreams to be make any sense or be coherent - they are usually a mixture of all sorts, and often fail to make sense, or can become confused with reality, making you doubt what you really think, plus you can get the odd few scenes which appear to come from nowhere! Try this next exercise to help you relax.....I know...you've tried all sorts of relaxation methods in the past, and none work!

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Muscle Relaxation
Muscles are either tense or relaxed. If this were the whole story, there could be no benefit to be gained from relaxation exercises, because all you'd be doing would be tensing a muscle and then returning it to exactly the same state it was in before you started.
Muscles, however, don't work in isolation from the rest of the body. They are made of fibres which need blood and oxygen. Blood is pumped round the body by the heart and the rate at which it's pumped depends in part on how fast you're breathing.. The amount of oxygen in your blood also depends on your breathing - whether it is slow or fast, deep or shallow.
Let's assume you've tensed a muscle group as part of a relaxation exercise.
It takes effort to tense your muscles so those muscles require more "food", which for them is oxygen, carried to the muscles in the blood. The muscles send out signals that they require more oxygen, so the heart beats more quickly to increase the rate at which the blood flows around your body in order to provide it. Of course, this blood has to come from somewhere, so other parts of your body receive less blood, particularly the stomach, hands and feet.
Now let's assume that you relax that muscle group. The demand for food is back to normal. The muscles need less oxygen and therefore they need less blood. Your heartbeat will therefore slow down, as will your breathing. The blood supply to your stomach will return to normal and it can carry on the process of digestion at its normal rate. You are now relaxing.
Things go one stage further, however, and it is this which makes muscle relaxation exercises effective. It is as if after you've tensed and then relaxed a muscle group, your body says, "Whew - that was an effort," and relaxes even more.
Try it and see. Check and see roughly how tense your hand is at the moment, then clench your fist. Hold this for a few seconds until it starts to become quite uncomfortable. Then relax. The likelihood is that you are either stretching your fingers or shaking your hand, and will then rest it for a moment, This will make the muscles in your hand relax even more.
SEE? The relaxation opens the door for further relaxation of those particular muscles.
The key to good results when you are going muscle relaxation exercises is not just to tense and then relax each muscle group, but to rest those particular muscles for a short while after you've released the tension. You'll find that they are then far more relaxed than when you started. Keep this going, relaxing muscles slowly and often and the result will be that you will have no option to be feel relaxed, and refreshed after some practice
By the way, have you ever tried to fully relax your facial muscles? you'll be surprised how tense your jaw, mouth and cheek muscles are.

AMSOSA

It is with great sadness that I must report that the male self group set up by my very good friend Steve Bevan has had to close down due to financial restraints during these very troubling times.

The website will remain live for the time being at least but the phoneline is switched off and the individual and group therapy sessions have ended.

Steve will hopefully still be involved with helping male survivors in the future and I shall keep you posted as and when information is available.

Steve, a survivor himself, has devoted most of his adult life to helping other, non-offending, male survivors of childhood sexual abuse and adult rape. Without men like Steve the world would be a much darker place for men like myself.

I salute you Steve, along with the thousands of other men you have helped over the years. You are a champion and one hell of a nice guy!

AMSOSA - Adult Male Survivors Of Sexual Abuse

Confusion and Fear #Amsosa

Since last summer I have posted many articles on this blog written by my friend Steve Bevan, of AMSOSA UK  Now Male Survivor Trust

I met Steve through Twitter and attended his Male Survivors Weekend Retreat last year. Steve has worked with Male Survivors for over 21 years and founded AMSOSA in 1991 and is recognised as a leading expert in male survivors of sexual abuse/rape in the United Kingdom. He has also given guest talks, training and workshops in the U.K, U.S, Australia, New Zealand, and in Scandinavia and is soon to set off to South Africa to do the same.

"The mission of AMSOSA is to empower men who have experienced sexual abuse or rape, and enable them to live happier, healthier lives. We offer male survivors the opportunity to focus on the ability to heal and recover, by dealing with 1/3rd of their past, 1/3rd of their present, and 1/3rd of their future, covering aspects of the sexual abuse they have suffered, yet focussing on the strength and courage they possess, and leaving the past where it belongs.

We are a regionally based, nationally recognised, and internationally known agency, providing specialised training to NHS Trusts, Social Services, Police forces, SARCS, Victim Support teams, and offer counselling sessions within prisons, hostels, day centres and other agencies."

I asked Steve to write a piece for this blog and am very proud to present it here.

CONFUSION & FEAR

Just two of the many issues that male survivor face when struggling to come to terms with the sexual abuse they have suffered as children, teenagers or adults.

Confusion is often as to why were they abused, and that is a question that is never going to be answered properly, yet keeps coming back to haunt them and demands an answer.

My simple short answer to those questions, when it’s raised, is they were abused because the person or persons, who abused them were nothing less than sick dirty people, who should never be allowed near anyone again, as they are twisted and evil men and women.

Yes women abuse both boys and men, and women also abuse young boys and girls too.

The fears that kick in after being abuse are complex and differs from one survivor to another, but the primary fear is of being seen, of being found out and of being judged wrongly remains the same, and has the same effects upon the survivor.

Male survivors automatically wrongly inherit the guilt, shame and blame for the abuse that was done to them, and grow up thinking and believing that they were part of the abuse.

Other fears that kick in is will they be called gay, or labelled as weak, and some guys even think they were to blame for what happened to them, because they didn’t stop the abuse or tell someone who would have stopped it.

The answer to that is they did the best they could, under the circumstances, to deal with what happened to them, and shouldn’t look back and judge themselves so harshly, because they coped.

Sexual abuse and rape impacts deeply upon the heart, soul and inner core of a man, as he grows up, trying to deal with the abuse he suffered, and also survived, and my job is to show him that he is a survivor, can become a thrive, and can overcome the past, to become the man he wants to be, not the person he has been led to be.

It’s far from easy to let go of the past, but it can be done with the right support, and belief that he is capable of doing so.

AMSOSA Weekend Retreat

During the weekend I wrote down my feelings every night before going to sleep. I am going to share them with you here. These have not been edited.

Urchfont day one


I finally persuaded myself to drive up to the manor house, on time, but filled with apprehension. I have avoided group therapy sessions until now.
I believe I have resolved most of my anger, with regards what happened to me anyway. What remains of my anger has turned into a fierce protectiveness over others who have suffered.
Whilst I have been able to turn my anger around, release it, and use it as a shield, I remain angry with myself. Not for having been abused, tortured and raped, but for having been weak enough to not make the right decisions over my life.
Have I screwed up so much because I felt unworthy of a good life, was I punishing myself for not having fought back, or am I acting out the pain and humiliation and turning it on myself? I don't know.
In total I have "received" over 25 months of NHS therapy. Other than now accepting that I was a victim, an unwilling participant and in no way encouraged any of the things that happened to me, that therapy has done nothing to improve the image I have of myself in my head. The image of being worthless, unwelcome, ugly, useless and a serial failure, and feeling totally alone in my suffering.
I still find it difficult trusting anyone, or I trust too much much too fast. I feel unworthy of love, yet yearn for the love I have denied myself. I make friends rarely, but hate being so isolated and alone.
I find it easy to put words down on paper or computer, but it is a struggle to vocalise. This probably stems from being told to shut up as a child. In my family children were to be seen and NOT heard.

I am sharing this weekend with twenty something men who have all endured abuse. I want arms big enough to protect them all, but I also want them to protect me. I want to feel as if I do actually belong, as if I do deserve a happy life, that I am allowed to be, and loved as just myself.
I almost feel as if I fit in here, hopefully by tomorrow night I can say I do fit in, I do belong and I do deserve to be happy. I just feel uncertain about speaking out or voicing an opinion.

I feel my life is slipping away, out of control, and I can do absolutely nothing to stop it.

I want to belong. I want to live. I am scared yet want to protect. I want to be held, to hold, to be embraced and to embrace. I want to be me, let me be me. I need to cry, to cry for the right reasons. I have never mourned the death of innocence of the little boy I once was. I just survived by whatever means I could. Life shouldn't be about surviving or enduring surely? Life should be for living and enjoying. I hear happy voices of men outside, having returned from the pub. I didn't go, didn't feel I could fit in, yet wanting to, so so wanting to. Maybe tomorrow night, maybe.

Maybe one day someone will love and want me for who and what I am, not for what and who I apparently should be. I am just me, love me for what I am, not for what you want me to be.

How do I ask for help? How do I get over the overwhelming fear of rejection?

How do I live?

Urchfont 2

Shit, shit shit, shit.SHIT.

To put today into a nutshell, I would have to quote a Michael Jackson song......You are not alone.
The most significant feeling, emotion, impression and insight I will take away from here is I am not the only man who feels like I do.

I am not an effin freak, but the 6 men and 2 women who were THE abusers were freaks.
I also discovered today I hadn't dealt with my anger quite as well as I thought. A part of the weekend is letting go of anger and expressing. Well I whacked seven types if crap out of the punchbag provided...... I felt much better fir it, a weight lifted off my shoulders.

Another strong emotion I am experiencing is empathy. I don't only feel my pain, confusion, disgust and anger, but I feel and am experiencing that of my fellow weekenders too. I don't normally cry over real life issues. Some films or tv programmes can make me cry. Not really crying, but water running silently down my face. I almost cried today, I had wet eyes, I know the last time I really cried, sobbed, bawled, was when my grandmother was buried. I let rip, I didn't care. What I didn't know then was her role in the abuse. Before that was when I made a decision to move the direction my life was taking some 10 years ago. I sat on my bed, terrified and cried myself to sleep.

Another problem I have is being tactile. I want to be tactile, and I want to feel I cam accept the same in others. I have associated touching or hugging another man with sex for as long as I can remember. Shit! There have been times when I have wanted a hug and others when I wanted to offer a hug. I don't want to sexualise this life changing experience but holy shit, I need some hugs.

Today I have sung..... Well I'm tone deaf and I did it to an audience. I have vocalised. I had forgotten the following until I was driving home today.

Growing up my grandparents encouraged me to stand on a chair and sing. I might get 10pence reward. My grandfather also made me do that when we were alone, but I was naked and he would abuse me afterwards. He was a drunk, he resented the fact that my being there meant less money for his whiskey. Several times he sold my toys for drink money. Several times he made me steal so he could have drink money.

Today I took a baseball bat and hit seven types of crap out of a punch bag. I focused my anger, that punchbag was him.

Today I finally belonged somewhere, today I joined the "human" race.

And now I am crying, real tears, I'm crying, and I so so so want someone to hold me.
I really don't want to be alone anymore. Help me, please?

Urchfont Final morning

Woke up feeling terrible, had a disrupted night. Twice I woke up crying, wanting to be held, wanting some comfort.
After breakfast it was guilt time. I won't go into any details but I managed to balance my guilt against those who SHOULD have felt guilty over what they subjected me too.

The saying goodbye session was my breaking point, something inside me changed. Physically hugging everyone was something i had been fearing before last night. There was no pressure to do anything at the retreat, including comforting or hugging another guy. I wanted that brief moment of physical closeness with each of them, the brave men, the survivors, it felt as if it was cementing a lifelong bond. I didn't fear being touched anymore. How ill be back in the rat race i don't know, but i will take each day as it comes. The actual physical parting from my twenty something new friends left me sobbing in the car. I managed to drive a few miles away first, then the dams broke.

I felt cleansed by the tears, empowered and uplifted by the whole weekend. I BELONGED, I didn't feel like an onlooker, watching life, I deserved my place on this planet. We all did. I was no longer alone.

As part of my leaving "statement" I said this.

I leave here with a pocket full of star light, because you are all superstars to me, I will carry a part of you all with me always, thank you so much for everything.

The AMSOSA weekend retreat has changed me and my whole outlook on life.

Thank you Steve, and everyone else who made me feel so safe, so welcome and so not alone.

You are all strong, brave and amazing guys.



Recent Musical Moments

Arroogggaa

Last Friday seems a very long time ago!

Have returned from the AMSOSA weekend retreat.

I see the world through newborn eyes.

I feel humbled, honoured and all warm and gooey inside.

For me it was a life changing experience, a rebirth almost. I now feel strong enough to
Merge my alters, to take on the world as just me. It might take me sometime and I will need guidance but I managed to stay grounded for all but 5 minutes, I didn't need the protection my guardians afford me. I was not alone, I was in a safe place, with safe people, and I felt that I belonged.

Thank you fellas, all of you.

Silent and hiding NO LONGER

Well today is a big sharing day... Posted a succession of photos of myself from a baby, approx 12 months old right up til now. They are on the ABOUT ME page. The first 4 are the abuse years. The fifth was not long after I had "endured" 18 months of psychotherapy.

I am disgusted to confirm that Wales has NO dedicated support service for MALE survivors of sexual abuse, rape or domestic abuse. YES all these happen to men too!! Come on world, stop sticking your head in the sand.

Men are VICTIMS too! WOMEN are also ABUSERS and RAPISTS.

I have bounced about the NHS for years, never finding answers to what my problems were. I have had a referral to a rape/abuse centre in Wales, but it is for both sexes and not run by people who have actually experienced the abuse themselves.

I "bumped" into someone online who I now consider my guardian angel. Steve from @Amsosa-UK.

To Quote Steve:-

The mission of AMSOSA is to empower men who have experienced sexual abuse or rape, and enable them to live happier, healthier lives.

I hope that through sharing my journey and my writing I can in some way help others and also to get Steve at Amsosa some well deserved publicity and even support.

It is time that people, MEN, like myself are recognised, supported, and for everything possible to be done to put a FULL STOP to sexual abuse, rape and domestic abuse of MEN as well as for women.

Thank you

Jan