The Sexually Assaulted Male

Sexual assault occurs when one person engages in sexual activity with another person, without the consent of the other individual. These acts can a be physical or verbal in nature.

Sexual assault can be perpetrated in various ways - it can involve strangers or people who know one another, individuals or groups of people. Positions of authority, blackmail, weapons, or drugs may be used to encourage the submission of the victim. In cases such as sexual harassment in the workplace, the victim is subjected to a hostile work environment with genderized standards and/or unwelcome sexual discourse.

It is important to remember that, no matter what the circumstances, sexual assault is never the fault or responsibility of the victim, no matter the gender.

Breaking Down Myths About Male Sexual Assault:

Myth: Men cannot be sexually assaulted by women.

Reality: Men are sexually assaulted by women (although most perpetrators of male sexual assault are men).

--------

Myth: Men cannot be sexually assaulted by men.

Reality: Men are sexually assaulted by other men, regardless of sexual orientation.

-------- 

Myth: Men cannot be sexually assaulted.

Reality: Men ARE sexually assaulted. Men of any sexual orientation, size, appearance, or strength can be sexually assaulted.

--------

Myth: Only gay men are sexually assaulted.

Reality: Heterosexual, bisexual, and gay men are equally likely to be sexually assaulted. It has nothing to do with sexual orientation.

-------

Myth: Only gay men sexually assault other men.

Reality: Most men who sexually assault other men identify themselves as straight. Sexual assault is about anger, violence, and control, not necessarily about lust or sexual attraction.

--------

Myth: Erections or ejaculation during a sexual assault means you consented to the assault, or "liked it."

Reality: Erection and ejaculation are physical responses to an assault (over which there is very little control), and these do not imply enjoyment or pleasure. However, these responses can confuse and manipulate a victim of sexual assault into the false believe that they did, in fact, consent to the experience. They did not.

How Common is Male Sexual Assault?

Rates of male sexual assault, similar to female sexual assault, are said to be grossly under-reported. In fact, it is believed that 10% of all sexual assault victims in the US are male (RAINN) and that 10-20% of all men will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime (www.mscasa.org). This number includes boys who are sexually assaulted in childhood. For more information aboutpreventing, detecting, and responding to childhood sexual assault please see the resources linked here.

In recent years, perhaps due to economic decline, reports of sexual assault on males have increased.

Male Sexuality

The issue of male sexual assault is complicated by society’s beliefs about male sexuality. Many people may believe that it is impossible for a man to be sexually abused due to their size and strength. This is absolutely untrue.

There is also a myth that all men enjoy all sexual contact, thus making the victim “lucky” to have engaged in sexual activity. This myth is particularly damaging and false.

Males who have experienced sexual abuse can sometimes respond in a physical way - by becoming erect , which can lead to feelings of guilt or shame. It should be noted that a physical response to abuse does not, in any way, indicate acceptance or willingness to participate in sexual activity. It is merely a physiological response to a stimulus.

These responses do not mean that the sexual activity was not assault and cannot be prosecuted as such.

Effects of Sexual Assault:

Men and boys who have been abused may experience any, all, or none of the following, in response to their abuse:

Decreased self-esteem, self-confidence, or development of negative body image

Feelings of shame, anger, guilt, and self-blame

Difficulties trusting others, especially those who share the gender of their abuser

Sexual difficulties

Difficulties with intimacy

Self-destructive impulses

Confusion or questions about sexual identity and masculinity

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

These issues can be effectively addressed with therapy. Men may be particularly unwilling to undergo therapy, believing that they can tough it out. Many men identify with the stereotypical strong, quiet man and don’t wish to call attention to their abuse; however, support is essentialfor the recovery of any sexual abuse victim, and therapy should be encouraged.

Certain medications may also be administered if the victim sufferers from disruptive mood disorders or trauma-related problems.

Unique Issues Faced By Male Sexual Assault Survivors:

Society wrongly denies that men get sexually assaulted. With the exception of a prison joke, most people don't even think about male sexual assault. When most people think of rape or sexual assault, they think of women. There's a stigma that "real men" can fight off any attacker or that men are immune to sexual assault - and the issue that most people think that men, due to the nature of erections, cannot be forced into sex. These stigmas allow for men to feel safe from sexual assault.

Until it happens to them.

It's really no wonder that men don't seek help or report sexual assault. The percentage of men who report sexual assault is less than 5% - because they feel shame, isolation, and like they're somehow "less of a man," if they admit to being sexually assaulted.

For guys, the idea of being a victim is hard to accept. I mean, guys grow up believing they can defend themselves against ANYTHING. Dudes are supposed to believe that they can fight - TO THE DEATH - something like an unwanted sexual advance. Those masculine feelings are deeply rooted for most men - which can lead to guilt, shame and inadequacy for male sexual assault survivors.

Lots of male sexual assault survivors question whether or not it WAS sexual assault. Maybe they wanted it! Maybe they deserved it! I mean, they did fail to defend themselves...right? Male sexual assault survivors often become disgusted with themselves for not fighting back. The feelings are normal of any rape survivor, but the thoughts are flawed. Men who've been assaulted were just doing the best they could to survive. There's NO shame in that.

Thanks to the guilt and shame spiral, a lot of male survivors punish themselves for the assault by engaging in self-destructive behavior. Drug or alcohol use and abuse. Picking fights. Social isolation. This is why male sexual assault survivors are at a higher risk for depression, work problems, and drug or alcohol addiction.

Sexual insecurities are common following a sexual assault are common. It may be hard to have sex or have a relationship with someone because any sexual contact may trigger a flashback. So if you've been the victim of male sexual assault, please just go easy on yourself and take some time to recover.

When heterosexual men are assaulted, they may question their sexuality, as though the assault may have made him gay, especially if the perpetrator accused the victim of enjoying himself. Sexual assault, though, is about power, anger, and control - not about sexuality. A sexual assault cannot "make someone gay."

Gay men who have been sexually assaulted may feel self-loathing and self-blame, as though their sexuality caused it. In fact, some sexual assaults ARE the result of gay-bashing, motivated by fear of homosexuals. Remember that NO ONE deserves to be sexually assaulted.

What To Do If You've Been Assaulted:

Men who have been sexually assaulted should first get to a safe place and then call a friend and/or the police for help. Victims should refrain from showering or otherwise destroying physical evidence that may help convict the offender.

Remember, victims are not to blame for the assault.

By raising awareness about the prevalence of male sexual assault, we have hope that more and more men will feel comfortable reaching out for the help they need and deserve after surviving sexual assault.

Reclaiming Your Life:

It's important for all male sexual assault survivors to remember that their feelings and reactions are both normal and temporary. Fear and confusion will lessen, but the trauma of a sexual assault may disrupt things awhile. Some feelings will happen out of the blue and are related to the sexual assault - you're not going crazy.

It's hard to want to talk about your feelings - you probably just want to get over it and move on with your life. Eventually, you'll have to deal with those feelings to heal and gain control of your life again. So talk to a friend, a therapist, a hotline counselor - anyone you trust - to work through those feelings. It's a key part of reclaiming your life after a sexual assault.

Remember - you won't be functioning 100% after the assault. It's normal to feel tired, forgetful or irritable - be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to feel how you feel.

Tips for Taking Care of Yourself:

Get some support. Find people who understand what you're feeling and those who love you just as you are. Don't isolate yourself.

• Engage in some hard exercise or some relaxation techniques.

• Talk about the assault - express your feelings. Doesn't have to be with everyone, just people you trust.

• Get some counseling.

• Remind yourself that you're safe now - no one can hurt you.

• Let out some of your anger in safe, healthy ways like writing or reading.

• Write a post for Band Back Together. Remember: you can be anonymous!

How To Help Someone Who Has Been Sexually Assaulted:

• First, get your friend or family member some medical help.

• Listen to him - don't judge him.

• Let him stay with you or offer to stay with him.

• Give some comfort.

• Suggest that he get some professional help.

• Don't offer quick-fix ideas for healing. They don't help.

• Accept his choices for dealing with the sexual assault.

• Get some counseling for yourself if you can't handle your own feelings.

Find More HERE Band Back Together

Tips for Friends and Family of Rape and Sexual Abuse Survivors

Tips for Friends and Family of Rape & Sexual Abuse Survivors 

© Pandora's Project
by Shannon

ORIGINAL HERE

It can be hard to know what to do to help a friend or family member who has been raped or sexually assaulted. Here are some tips on what to do (and what not to do) and how to cope yourself. 

What to say to a rape or sexual abuse survivor:
I'm sorry this happened to you.
It wasn't your fault.
You survived; obviously you did the right things.
Thank you for telling me.
I'm always here if you want to talk.
Can I do anything for you?

What NEVER to say to a survivor:
It was your fault.
You could have avoided it had you ____________.
It's been so long! Get over it!
You wanted it.
It's not that big of a deal; it happens to lots of people.
I don't believe you. (that's the very worst thing to say)

DO respect him enough to not pity him.

DON'T assume she does or doesn't want to be touched. Some people can't stand a hug at this point; others can't make it without one.

DO comfort her. Bring a cup of tea and a blanket. Play soft music. Make the environment comfortable.

DON'T try to solve all the problems for him. He has had her control taken away from him; try to avoid doing that again.

DO offer to accompany her to her first therapy session.

DON'T demand to know every detail of the rape or abuse.

DO allow her to tell you as much or as little as she needs to.


Further Suggestions...

review facts and myths about sexual abuse and assault
It is crucial to understand the basic facts, and for secondary survivors to examine their own attitudes and feelings in order to be a positive support. Don't allow the myths to affect how you perceive the survivor.

as a secondary survivor, you are also affected
Crisis centers and lines are available to help you also. Call RAINN: 1-800-656-HOPE. Consider seeking therapy yourself (however, see don't see the same therapist as your friend). Pandora's Aquarium has a forum dedicated to secondary survivors, so do consider joining if you have not already. 

helping yourself helps the survivor
There is no reason to feel guilty or selfish for taking care of yourself and your many emotions. It is normal to feel the following and more:

helplessness - guilt - shame - loss of intimacy - loss of routine - frustration - need for retaliation - overprotection - anger

aim to find the difference between being supportive and overbearing
I can't give you exact definitions. The supportive friend is there when I need to talk, is open to hearing what I have to say, and doesn't always press for more. The overbearing friend is constantly checking up on me, forces me to talk to her, and tries to solve my problems for me.

don't be afraid of silence
If you don't know what to say, that's okay. The most powerful statement a friend can make is by simply being there, not trying to fix everything or pretending it's okay. Silence often says more than words.


Depending on your relationship with the survivor and the trust she has in you, she may experience a flashback or panic attack in your presence. It can be frightening and difficult to know what to do during a situation like this, but here are a few suggestions.

Panic Attacks
* Remind the survivor of where she is. Ask her to sit down and place her feet on the floor. Describe her surroundings to her, and ask her to do the same.
* Remind the survivor to take deep breaths.
* If the survivor has medication she is prescribed to take during panic attacks, such as Xanax, remind her that if she needs it, it is available.

Flashbacks
Remember that during flashbacks, the survivor is often actually reliving the abuse or assault. Be cautious in your actions, and get to know the survivor and what she needs before you do anything at all. Here are a few suggestions.

* Name it. Not everyone realizes that what they're suffering is a flashback.
* Tell the survivor that you know it feels real to them, but that it is not really happening.
* Turn a soft light on.
* Turn triggering music or television shows off. 
* Get to know the survivor's triggers as well as you can.
* Help to ground the survivor. Encourage them to take slow, gentle breaths. Tell them they are remembering. Talk softly to the survivor. Remind her of where she is. Ask her to describe her surroundings to you. Point out the fact that the abuser is not present. Remember that she may not be able to respond to you, but often is aware of your voice.
* Consider placing your hand on her hand or arm (not on the stomach, thigh, etc). This may trigger her further, but may also remind her of where she is.
* Inform the survivor of the importance of flashbacks. They are an opportunity to learn and understand. They are often seen as an indication that the person is ready to remember; that the body has information to share. Many people are very frustrated by lack of memory; flashbacks can validate a survivor's experience.

Most important is to get to know the survivor and what works and what doesn't. There's not a lot you can do during situations like this, which can be frustrating. Just be there for her during and after the flashback. Don't press her to talk about it, and avoid triggering her further. If she wants to discuss what just happened, be open to that, while at the same time being aware that many of the emotions she felt during the rape or abuse may be present now.



What survivors want you to know...
* We often take a lot of responsibility for the abuse. Telling us it is not our fault may help to lessen the guilt of shame, but it can't take it away.
* We deal with a lot of shame. Please don't shame a survivor. It is the pattern we are trying to break.
* The healing process for a survivor may take years. We may be in and out of therapy several times. New memories may surface, and new experiences may trigger us.
* People who are survivors are often caretakers. It is a survival technique. It takes a long time to unlearn that behavior.
* Survivors often resent being judged. We have judged and punished ourselves for years. We are usually harder on ourselves that anyone else can be.
* People who are survivors don't want your pity.
* Don't try to excuse the abuser's behavior.
* Don't categorize survivors. Each case of abuse, although it may be similar, is a unique case. We don't all follow the same pattern of healing or behavior.
* Not all survivors have clear memories of the abuse or assault. We may need to deal with that lack of memories on a regular basis.
* Even if we are safe now, we still may be fearful of our attacker or abuser.
* Talking about it means "breaking the secret." Many of us are faced with the terror "breaking the secret" every time we talk about the abuse.
* If a survivor chooses to talk to you about the abuse or assault, and you are uncomfortable about it, please say so. Let the survivor know you aren't uncomfortable with them, only the issue. The offer to find someone who is comfortable with the issue.
* Please don't ask a survivor to forgive and forget. First of all, there is nothing we would rather do than be able to forget. But we can't--we have to learn how to deal with it.
* Please don't ask a survivor if they are done dealing with it yet. That is a shaming question. The process of healing may take an entire lifetime.
the above was adapted from a list in the Minnesota Coalition Against Sexual Assault/Training Manual. 

[Printable PDF version of this article]