Saturday 10 June 2017

Inner Child via @SurvivorsBurg #stopchildabuse

What can I say about my guest blogger this week..

May Thomson is most certainly one of a kind. She has battled and overcome so very much. What makes her stand out is her humour and quick wit, combined with compassion and empathy. She is simply amazing. I have known her now for six years and my life is a better place for having her in it. Thank you May, my wee Scottish Thistle xx

Inner Child

The last 11 years have had to do a lot of work on my inner child to help keep me to my normal, sadly I find most survivors still hate their inner child. “Yes it has even recovered” taken me over ten years to love my own,

I read an article on a journalist interviewing old male survivors in Ireland and most prominent thing he saw was men turning back to boys as they told their own stories, I think this field of any survivor needs lot more work and could help recover the survivor quicker it is also mostly the part deepest buried and neglected even by survivors themselves

When I was unwell I always felt trapped and could not escape thought I never would and why I tried killing myself so many times to escape it,
That is one of the major keys that gets over looked most survivors are trapped in childhood some adapt,  others addiction, crime, mental illness,ect ect ect,

The first time one of my abusers who was arrested my Father:
No protection laws in the 70’s so his name in papers, (School life became such a joy NOT), no counselling for individuals or family, occasional visit from a social worker,
A mother who was also toxic verbally and physically abusive to her children and not coping with 5 now dysfunctional children,
Today all 5 of us 4 unrecovered and struggle everyday and me recovered 11yr, I would give everyone of siblings what I have but sadly mother and fathers legacy left Dysfunctional Family most don't speak to each other not all but most.

Then two 1/2 sisters  once again the mother not change so now 2 more,
So 7 children 6 struggling with their lives in some way,
Sadly for me most don't talk to me especially but I remember the essences of who they were when we were brother and sisters together for each other because that all we had each other,
Once again unwell I hated them as much as they hate me,after recovery no it breaks my heart, I cant help them I can't tell them about the recovery and the insight it gives you to what actually happened to us to point of waring not talking ect ect ,
Our mother 17 yrs dead I have tried continually to build bridges with my siblings who don't talk, and will till day I Die not their fault but our abusers and toxic parenting that caused us to be like they are, I was.

Filled with hate guilt ect ect 1thing I can see don't think they can when we were all together the common enemy was our Father, as his children we loved him we were told to,  but we also hated him with a great passion his cruelty his abuse,

But once the enemy is removed what then? That's were I fit in I became the enemy police interviewed me first and after our father was arrested anything went wrong in family my fault,
But remember I am only aged 9-11yrs old myself at this time of pure turmoil,

I can tell you now if you asked all 7 of us same questions about our fathers and mother yes similarities but each different,
As we all see circumstances differently, but each their own truth of how they either saw it or felt at that time in our lives,

My family lived in England at this time for me I only wanted to go home,go home tae Ma Bonnie Scotland and I did not care how I got it I did not enjoy living in England my heart my soul was always in Scotland,

My uncle started taken me on holidays home to Scotland and eventually I moved in with him, most would think idyllic sadly not he became my last abuser,
Until I was aged 23yrs  when I finally got out and stayed out,

Today as I write this I was asked a Question long time since I was last asked but so fitting for the article on Childhood memories no one can erase,
Why don't you just forget about your past and move on,
Normally the question itself would infuriate me, this time I challenged it,
I will never forget my past but I don't live there anymore, I live today and use my past to help others or inform others,

Forget my past no because I deny a very important part of what shaped me good or bad it has helped me become who I am today, and today I am very proud of what I have overcame to become who I am.

A Scottish poetess a recovered survivor who everyday puts Love into the world instead of anger hatred and pain, I went through that so I could truly love again starting with myself because if you don't love any part of you is when difficulty in dealing with life starts,
Lot of my knowledge especially in retrieving your inner child has only came last 11years since I found the recovery from the after effects of my abuse,
And been my key to so much insight and as I have said previously does not make immune to emotional crashes from my past just deal and cope with them differently today a more balanced approach to daily problems, some that can trigger wanted or unwanted memories of our childhood.

Most of my life I hated the little girl in me, she was sad pathetic helpless person,
When in reality she was such a strong little girl, living most of her life pillar to post between parents and relatives,
No stability in this little girls life even at home fights beating abuse even starvation at times,

So she shut down today best we estimate about 5/6 yrs old, and the 48 year battle to bring her back to life again.
The journey to helping and recovering my inner child started over 10 yrs ago after the recovery, bit by bit memories finally sorted and layed to rest, feelings emotions bit by bit needed sorted out, the hardest part was judging my inner child with who I am today the experience ect each time I tackled my inner child, we forget as children we did not have same knowledge skills ect that we judge our inner child with today,
Which then means giving ourselves a very hard time for what we didn't do to stop it ect,
Today also the grooming side of abuse is more recognised which wasn't back in my earlier life,
How my uncle became my last abuser groomed me for 2 yrs before going to live with him,

Many ask why didn't I just go back to my mum and family I tried that twice last time was told go back to Scotland you are no longer part of this family,
It destroyed me at the time the final betrayal I only had my uncle or so it seemed to me at the time.
I felt useless worthless unloved and the spiral towards mental illness set in,
From 14 yrs old I was on a mission to end my life most serious attempt 21yrs old,
Luckily I survived yet again.

Today I love and care for my inner child I hug her everyday,I tell her I love her how beautiful she is everything a mothers love should give her daughter,
I now give to myself, I am not a parent that does not mean I don't know how to parent,
So I parent that little girl yes she still get frighten scared ect so I comfort her,
Because that little girl inside my rock she strong talented and very loving and has a zest for life that's boundless.
Mostly today she is also happy little girl and it shines out the adult I have became.

We cannot change our pasts but we can heal the pain within by lovingly parenting ourselves first.

If we want a world of peace it starts with the children today, simple example: how many parents smack their children? this is the child's first teaching probably of violence towards them parent can't cope so smacks child,
And rather than face and feel the violence the child will shut off or worse shut down,

Prior to recovery I could not rescue her I could not cope or deal with her demands, always wanting attention ect ect but in my head was driving me crazy mostly because I did not understand myself her or our needs at the time.

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