Any of us can, without warning, go through a traumatic event that is
overwhelming, frightening, life-threatening (to ourselves or others) and beyond
our control. This could be:
getting a diagnosis of a serious illness
having (or seeing) a serious road accident
the unexpected injury or violent death of someone close
being taken hostage
being a prisoner-of-war
After such an event, most people feel distressed and can
have symptoms for up to 6 weeks. Many people get over it without needing help,
but about 1 in 3 people go on with these symptoms for many months or years –
this is Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD.
Less dramatic, but longer-lasting traumas can have a
similar impact. These include continuing physical or sexual abuse in the home,
mistreatment in prisons and torture.
When does PTSD start?
The symptoms usually start within 6 months, and sometimes
only a few weeks after the trauma.
What does PTSD feel like?
After the traumatic event you can feel grief-stricken,
depressed, anxious, guilty and angry. In PTSD you may also:
have flashbacks and nightmares - you relive the event in
your mind, again and again;
avoid thinking about it and feeling upset by keeping busy
and avoiding anything or anyone that reminds you of it;
be ‘on guard’ – you stay alert all the time, can’t relax,
feel anxious and can’t sleep;
get physical symptoms – aches and pains, diarrhoea,
irregular heartbeats, headaches, feelings of panic and fear, depression
start drinking too much alcohol or using drugs (including
painkillers).
Why does PTSD happen?
There are several possible reasons:
Psychological
Remembering things clearly after a shock can help you to
understand what happened and, perhaps, help you to survive.
Flashbacks force you to think about what has happened. You
can decide what to do if it happens again.
Avoidance and numbing help you to stop becoming tired and
distressed from remembering a trauma. It keeps the number of ‘replays’ down to
a manageable level.
Being 'on guard' means that you can react quickly if
another crisis happens. It can give you the energy you need to carry on
afterwards.
Physical
Vivid memories of what happened keep your levels of
adrenaline high. You will feel tense, irritable and unable to relax or sleep
well.
The hippocampus is the part of the brain that processes
memories. In PTSD, high levels of stress hormones, like adrenaline, may stop it
from processing the memories of the event, producing continuing flashbacks and
nightmares.
Getting through PTSD
Try to get back to your usual routine. Talk about what
happened to someone you trust and try relaxation exercises. Eat regularly, take
exercise and spend time with family and friends. Try to go back to where the
traumatic event happened. Take care with driving – you are more likely to have
an accident while you feel like this. Speak to your doctor and keep hopeful.
Don't be hard on yourself or expect too much of yourself.
PTSD symptoms are not a sign of weakness. They are a normal reaction of normal
people to terrifying experiences. Don't avoid other people, drink or smoke a
lot, miss sleep or meals.
What helps?
Psychotherapy – by remembering the event,
going over it and making sense of it, your mind can do its normal job of storing
the memories away and moving on to other things.
Cognitive behavioural therapy
(CBT) – helps you to think differently about your memories, so that
they become less distressing and more manageable. It usually involves relaxation
to help you tolerate the discomfort of recalling the traumatic events.
Eye movement desensitisation & reprocessing
(EMDR) - uses eye movements to help the brain to process flashbacks and
to make sense of the traumatic experience.
Talking with a group of people who have been
through the same or similar traumatic events.
Group therapy - this can help you to feel
less alone and isolated.
Medication - antidepressant
tablets will both reduce the strength of PTSD symptoms and relieve any
depression. If the antidepressants help, you should carry on taking them for
around 12 months before slowly tailing them off.
If you are so distressed that you can't sleep or think
clearly, you may need tranquillising medication, although not for more than 10
days or so.
Body-focused therapies such as physiotherapy
and osteopathy, massage, acupuncture, reflexology, yoga, meditation and Tai Chi.
These can help to control distress and reduce the feeling of being 'on guard'
all the time.
What works?
CBT, EMDR and antidepressants seem to be most helpful. The
evidence for other forms of psychotherapy or counselling is much weaker.
Trauma-focused psychological therapies (CBT or EMDR) should usually be offered
before medication.
How do I know when I've got over a traumatic
experience?
When you can:
Think about it without becoming distressed
Not feel constantly under threat
Not think about it at inappropriate times
How can I help someone who has PTSD?
Remind yourself that they are irritable and jumpy because, in
a way, part of them is, in a way, still in the traumatic situation. Give them
time to tell you about what happened. Ask general questions, and don't interrupt
or talk about your own experiences.
This leaflet is made available through the generosity of the
Charitable Monies Allocation Committee of the mental health charity St Andrew's,
Northampton
Tuesday, 31 July 2012
The Incest Survivors Aftereffect Checklist #ChildAbuse
1. Fear of being alone in the dark, of sleeping alone; night terrors, nightmares (especially of rape, pursuit, threat, entrapment, blood)
2. Swallowing and gagging sensitivity; repugnance to water on face when bathing or swimming (suffocation feelings)
3. Alienation from body—not at home in own body; failure to heed signals of body or take care of it; poor body image; manipulating body size to avoid sexual attention; compulsive cleanliness, incl. bathing in scalding water; or, total inattention to personal appearance or hygiene.
4. Gastrointestinal problems; GYN disorders (including spontaneous vaginal infections); vaginal/internal scarring; headaches; arthritis or joint pain; aversion to doctors (esp. gynecologists, dentists)
5. Wearing a lot of clothing, even in summer; baggy clothes; failure to remove clothing even when appropriate to do so (while swimming, bathing, sleeping); extreme requirement for privacy when using bathroom.
6. Eating disorders, drug/alcohol abuse (or total abstinence); other addictions; compulsive behaviors (including compulsive busyness)
7. Self-injury (cutting, burning, etc.) (physical pain is manageable) (this is an addictive pattern); self-destructiveness
8. Phobias, panic attacks
9. Need to be invisible, perfect, or perfectly bad
10. Suicidal thoughts, attempts, obsession (including "passive suicide")
11. Depression (sometimes paralyzing); seemingly baseless crying
12. Anger issues: inability to recognize, own or express anger; fear of actual or imagined rage; constant anger; intense hostility toward entire gender or ethnic group ("race") of the perpetrator
13. Dissociation ("splitting"), depersonalization; going into shock, shutdown in crisis (stressful situation always is crisis); psychic numbing; physical pain or numbness associated with particular memory, emotion (eg anger) or situation (eg sex)
14. Rigid control of thought process; extreme solemnity/humorlessness or extreme wit (often sharp)
15. Childhood hiding, hanging on, cowering in corners (security-seeking behaviors); adult nervousness over being watched or surprised; feeling watched; startle response; hypervigilance
16. Trust issues: inability to trust (trust is not safe); absolute trust that turns to rage when disappointed; trusting indiscriminately
17. High risk taking ("daring the fates"); inability to take risks
18. Boundary issues; control, power, territoriality issues; fear of losing control; obsessive/compulsive behaviors (attempts to control things that don't matter, just to control something!); power/sex confusion
19. Guilt/ shame/ low self-esteem/ feeling worthless/ high appreciation of small favors by others
The Incest Survivors Aftereffect Checklist Page 2
20. Pattern of being a victim (victimizing oneself after being victimized by others), especially sexually; no sense of own power or right to set limits or say "no;" pattern of relationships with much older persons (onset in adolescence); OR exaggerated sense of entitlement; revictimization by others (adult sexual violence, including sexual exploitation by bosses and "helping" professionals)
21. Feeling demand to "produce and be loved;" instinctively knowing and doing what the other person needs or wants; relationships mean big tradeoffs ("love" was taken, not given)
22. Abandonment issues; desire for relationships with no separateness; avoidance/fear of intimacy
23. Blocking out some period of early years (especially 1–12 but may continue into adulthood), or a specific person or place
24. Feeling of carrying an awful secret; urge to tell/ fear of its being revealed; certainty that no-one would listen. Being generally secretive. Feeling "marked" (the "scarlet letter")
25. Feeling crazy; feeling different; feeling oneself to be unreal and everyone else to be real, or vice versa; creating fantasy worlds, relationships, or identities (esp. for women: imagining/wishing self to be male, i.e. not a victim)
26. Denial: no awareness at all; repression of memories; pretending; minimizing ("it wasn't that bad"); having dreams or memories ("maybe it's my imagination") (these are actually flashbacks, which is how recall begins); strong, deep, "inappropriate" negative reactions to a person, place or event; "sensory flashes" (a light, a place, a physical feeling) without any sense of their meaning; remembering surroundings but not the event. Memory may start with the least threatening event or perpetrator. Actual details of abuse may never be fully remembered; however, much recovery is possible without complete recall. Your inner guide will release memories at the pace you can handle.
27. Sexual issues: sex feels "dirty"; aversion to being touched, especially in GYN exam; strong aversion to (or need for) particular sex acts; feeling betrayed by one's body; trouble integrating sexuality and emotionality; confusion or overlapping of affection/ sex/ dominance/ aggression/ violence; having to pursue power in sexual arena which is actually sexual acting out (self-abuse, manipulation [esp. women]; abuse of others [esp. men]); compulsively "seductive," or compulsively asexual; must be sexual aggressor, or cannot be; impersonal, "promiscuous" sex with strangers concurrent with inability to have sex in intimate relationship (conflict between sex and caring); prostitute, stripper, "sex symbol" (Marilyn Monroe), porn actress; sexual "acting out" to meet anger or revenge needs; sexual addiction; avoidance; shutdown; crying after orgasm; all pursuit feels like violation; sexualizing of all meaningful relationships; erotic response to abuse or anger, sexual fantasies of dominance/ real rape (results in guilt and confusion); teenage pregnancy.
28. Pattern of ambivalent or intensely conflictual relationships (in true intimacy, issues are more likely to surface; in problem relationships, focus can be shifted from real issue of incest). Note: Partner of survivor often suffers consequences of Post-Incest Syndrome also (especially sex and relationship issues).
29. Avoidance of mirrors (connected with invisibility, shame/self-esteem issues; distorted perceptions of face or body)
30. Desire to change one's name (to disassociate from the perpetrator or to take control through self-labeling)
31. Limited tolerance for happiness; active withdrawal from/ reluctance to trust happiness ("ice = thin")
32. Aversion to noise-making (including during sex, crying, laughing, or other body functions); verbal hypervigilance (careful monitoring of one's words); quiet-voiced, especially when needing to be heard
33. Stealing (adults); fire-starting (children)
34. Multiple Personality "disorder" (often hidden)
35. Food sensitivities/avoidance based on texture (mayonnaise) or appearance (hot dogs), which remind the survivor of abuse, or smell/sound which remind survivor of perpetrator; aversion to meat, red foods
36. Compulsive honesty or compulsive dishonesty (lying)
37. Hypervigilance regarding child abuse, or inability to see child abuse, or avoidance of any awareness or mention of child abuse; tendency to develop relationships with incest perpetrators
Note to therapists and others: Many of these "aftereffects" can be the consequence of other problems that occur in early life. There are, however, some items which nearly always indicate childhood sexual abuse, and when one experiences over 25 of the items on this checklist, incest should be strongly suspected.
by E. Sue Blume, CSW, Diplomate in Clinical Social Work, author of Secret Survivors This list is based on observation and interviews with incest survivors as well as work done by New York Women Against Rape.
2. Swallowing and gagging sensitivity; repugnance to water on face when bathing or swimming (suffocation feelings)
3. Alienation from body—not at home in own body; failure to heed signals of body or take care of it; poor body image; manipulating body size to avoid sexual attention; compulsive cleanliness, incl. bathing in scalding water; or, total inattention to personal appearance or hygiene.
4. Gastrointestinal problems; GYN disorders (including spontaneous vaginal infections); vaginal/internal scarring; headaches; arthritis or joint pain; aversion to doctors (esp. gynecologists, dentists)
5. Wearing a lot of clothing, even in summer; baggy clothes; failure to remove clothing even when appropriate to do so (while swimming, bathing, sleeping); extreme requirement for privacy when using bathroom.
6. Eating disorders, drug/alcohol abuse (or total abstinence); other addictions; compulsive behaviors (including compulsive busyness)
7. Self-injury (cutting, burning, etc.) (physical pain is manageable) (this is an addictive pattern); self-destructiveness
8. Phobias, panic attacks
9. Need to be invisible, perfect, or perfectly bad
10. Suicidal thoughts, attempts, obsession (including "passive suicide")
11. Depression (sometimes paralyzing); seemingly baseless crying
12. Anger issues: inability to recognize, own or express anger; fear of actual or imagined rage; constant anger; intense hostility toward entire gender or ethnic group ("race") of the perpetrator
13. Dissociation ("splitting"), depersonalization; going into shock, shutdown in crisis (stressful situation always is crisis); psychic numbing; physical pain or numbness associated with particular memory, emotion (eg anger) or situation (eg sex)
14. Rigid control of thought process; extreme solemnity/humorlessness or extreme wit (often sharp)
15. Childhood hiding, hanging on, cowering in corners (security-seeking behaviors); adult nervousness over being watched or surprised; feeling watched; startle response; hypervigilance
16. Trust issues: inability to trust (trust is not safe); absolute trust that turns to rage when disappointed; trusting indiscriminately
17. High risk taking ("daring the fates"); inability to take risks
18. Boundary issues; control, power, territoriality issues; fear of losing control; obsessive/compulsive behaviors (attempts to control things that don't matter, just to control something!); power/sex confusion
19. Guilt/ shame/ low self-esteem/ feeling worthless/ high appreciation of small favors by others
The Incest Survivors Aftereffect Checklist Page 2
20. Pattern of being a victim (victimizing oneself after being victimized by others), especially sexually; no sense of own power or right to set limits or say "no;" pattern of relationships with much older persons (onset in adolescence); OR exaggerated sense of entitlement; revictimization by others (adult sexual violence, including sexual exploitation by bosses and "helping" professionals)
21. Feeling demand to "produce and be loved;" instinctively knowing and doing what the other person needs or wants; relationships mean big tradeoffs ("love" was taken, not given)
22. Abandonment issues; desire for relationships with no separateness; avoidance/fear of intimacy
23. Blocking out some period of early years (especially 1–12 but may continue into adulthood), or a specific person or place
24. Feeling of carrying an awful secret; urge to tell/ fear of its being revealed; certainty that no-one would listen. Being generally secretive. Feeling "marked" (the "scarlet letter")
25. Feeling crazy; feeling different; feeling oneself to be unreal and everyone else to be real, or vice versa; creating fantasy worlds, relationships, or identities (esp. for women: imagining/wishing self to be male, i.e. not a victim)
26. Denial: no awareness at all; repression of memories; pretending; minimizing ("it wasn't that bad"); having dreams or memories ("maybe it's my imagination") (these are actually flashbacks, which is how recall begins); strong, deep, "inappropriate" negative reactions to a person, place or event; "sensory flashes" (a light, a place, a physical feeling) without any sense of their meaning; remembering surroundings but not the event. Memory may start with the least threatening event or perpetrator. Actual details of abuse may never be fully remembered; however, much recovery is possible without complete recall. Your inner guide will release memories at the pace you can handle.
27. Sexual issues: sex feels "dirty"; aversion to being touched, especially in GYN exam; strong aversion to (or need for) particular sex acts; feeling betrayed by one's body; trouble integrating sexuality and emotionality; confusion or overlapping of affection/ sex/ dominance/ aggression/ violence; having to pursue power in sexual arena which is actually sexual acting out (self-abuse, manipulation [esp. women]; abuse of others [esp. men]); compulsively "seductive," or compulsively asexual; must be sexual aggressor, or cannot be; impersonal, "promiscuous" sex with strangers concurrent with inability to have sex in intimate relationship (conflict between sex and caring); prostitute, stripper, "sex symbol" (Marilyn Monroe), porn actress; sexual "acting out" to meet anger or revenge needs; sexual addiction; avoidance; shutdown; crying after orgasm; all pursuit feels like violation; sexualizing of all meaningful relationships; erotic response to abuse or anger, sexual fantasies of dominance/ real rape (results in guilt and confusion); teenage pregnancy.
28. Pattern of ambivalent or intensely conflictual relationships (in true intimacy, issues are more likely to surface; in problem relationships, focus can be shifted from real issue of incest). Note: Partner of survivor often suffers consequences of Post-Incest Syndrome also (especially sex and relationship issues).
29. Avoidance of mirrors (connected with invisibility, shame/self-esteem issues; distorted perceptions of face or body)
30. Desire to change one's name (to disassociate from the perpetrator or to take control through self-labeling)
31. Limited tolerance for happiness; active withdrawal from/ reluctance to trust happiness ("ice = thin")
32. Aversion to noise-making (including during sex, crying, laughing, or other body functions); verbal hypervigilance (careful monitoring of one's words); quiet-voiced, especially when needing to be heard
33. Stealing (adults); fire-starting (children)
34. Multiple Personality "disorder" (often hidden)
35. Food sensitivities/avoidance based on texture (mayonnaise) or appearance (hot dogs), which remind the survivor of abuse, or smell/sound which remind survivor of perpetrator; aversion to meat, red foods
36. Compulsive honesty or compulsive dishonesty (lying)
37. Hypervigilance regarding child abuse, or inability to see child abuse, or avoidance of any awareness or mention of child abuse; tendency to develop relationships with incest perpetrators
Note to therapists and others: Many of these "aftereffects" can be the consequence of other problems that occur in early life. There are, however, some items which nearly always indicate childhood sexual abuse, and when one experiences over 25 of the items on this checklist, incest should be strongly suspected.
by E. Sue Blume, CSW, Diplomate in Clinical Social Work, author of Secret Survivors This list is based on observation and interviews with incest survivors as well as work done by New York Women Against Rape.
Sunday, 29 July 2012
The Inner Child #poetry
I'm reminiscing and I'm missing,
The childhood I never had.
I'm triggering and I'm figuring,
There were reasons to be sad.
I'm supposing and I'm closing,
In on all my childhood fears.
I'm indicting and I'm inviting,
The people behind my tears.
I'm reflecting and I'm injecting,
The power of God above.
I'm unmasking and I'm asking,
Why the child was void of love.
I'm a hunting and I'm confronting,
The abusers once again.
I'm a hurting but I'm supporting,
The courage of the child within.
I'm remising and I'm dismissing,
The notion that I was no good.
I'm a fearing but I'm a sharing,
All aspects of my childhood.
I'm a feeling but I'm a dealing,
With all of my past issues,
I'm a dying and I'm a crying,
So please pass me the tissues.
I'm confiding and I'm not hiding,
From the issues I must explore.
I'm expressing and not suppressing,
The child's feelings anymore.
I'm a shrieking but I'm a seeking,
To help heal the child again.
I'm a grinning because I'm winning,
The trust of the child within.
Unknown
Some People Move Our Souls To Dance
"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never ever the same."~Flavia Weedn
2 Million blog hits!?
I have been quiet on all fronts. I try and maintain my twitter tweeting regime and thankfully there are apps available which make it easier. I have not blogged very much. I've written previously of real world issues that have demanded my attentions. These are ongoing.
I feel very isolated. That isolation is accompanied with self doubt and a deep rooted sense of inadequacy. I am physically isolated as well as emotionally so. Whilst I never was much of a mixer, I still had full time employment to occupy my day. Not being in full time employment is I guess adding to the sense of inadequacy.
I am working, self employed, but this work is in the fledgling stages and will take some time to bear fruit. I am also trying to get book two to a stage where it can be independently reviewed and edited. It is a hard book to write. It strips off my skin and flesh and exposes the very core of my being. It's a painful and unpleasant experience at times buttoned feel I must endure.
Though I have overcome much this last year there are still "issues" that remain which cause me many problems. I've survived, I've thrived but I am not yet whole.
There is so much I want to do. Financial and personal restraints prevent me. There is so much work needed to educate the general population, to bring awareness to those that either cannot or will not see. I know I cannot change the world but I do want to be a cog in the machine that does change people's perception of child abuse and the aftermath of such.
I've escaped/cheated death a few times in my life. There must be a reason why..
Please be patient with me whilst I try and link the pieces of me together.
Thank you for being there, for supporting and encouraging me in this journey.
Tuesday, 17 July 2012
The DreamScape Of Madness #poetry
Sitting alone in silence,
My body bathed in thought,
Darkened dreamscapes,
Cold and lonely,
My roaming mind did wrought.
Along a barren shore
My sleeping self explored,
And a girl calling my name,
A beauty along the shore came,
Calling my name, calling my name.
"Help me," she implored,
"Help me, I'm trapped in your mind
And can't seem to find
A way to leave this wind-blown shore."
I looked into her eyes
And knew I was looking at Heaven.
I immediately began to devise
A way to make this angel mine
For the duration of my stay
In this world inside my mind.
So I took her hand
And let her away from that phantom sea,
To a tower in the distance,
And she followed me.
The tower was a leftover from another dream,
Part of a desolate nightmare city, in ruin,
And within that haunted obelisk,
We danced to love's mad tune.
Afterwards from the rafters did arise,
A loud and mournful moaning cry:
"Get thee out from our tower, you must!
Awaken not my slumbering brother,
That dreaming, lumbering other,
Or you will most certainly die!"
Looking up I saw a dark glowing shadowman,
Standing beside a snoring duplicate of myself,
Not more than nine feet above us,
Watching us from a narrow wooden shelf.
"Who are they?" she cried,
And though I had my suspicions, I said,
"It makes no difference to me;
Who they are is not my business."
Then, taking her hand, I turned and fled,
And with great haste from that tower
We did fly.
After awhile we came across
A desert with heat so scorching hot,
We nearly caught our deaths from the sweats,
Until we found an oasis, or so we thought.
What we at first took for water,
Instead became a likeness of me,
Half-buried in sand, unable to stand,
In sleep, as calm as a moonless sea.
Again there appeared that half-dead ebony man,
And we cringed as he held up
A long and bony, night-colored hand.
"Awaken not my slumbering brother,
This dreaming, lumbering other,
Or you'll be withdrawn from
This nocturnal land."
We took to our heels and left him behind,
And on we fled until the desert ended,
And a lush green forest began.
Too tired to proceed, we answered the need,
And to sleep's call we surrendered.
The sleep I slept that night
Was not a normal sleep,
I closed my eyes, a moment went by,
Then into the sky the sun began to creep.
Opening my eyes,
In place of the forest I now saw a void.
It echoed with her soft snore,
And reminded me of nothing more
Than my life, which had known little joy.
Awakening her gently,
I kissed her lips and said,
"That void is my life,
And without you it's not nice.
Without you I'm dead."
So saying, I packed up our things
And we fled from the void,
But to my annoyance,
We found that it was all around us--
An all-encompassing void.
Stopping in my tracks,
I fell to my knees and cried,
"It's not fair!
I've only begun to love her and this life,
And now you want to take it away."
"Who does?" she started to say,
But before she could finish,
There arose in the void
A loud ringing noise,
That grew louder with each minute,
Showing no sign that it would ever diminish.
Then there appeared my slumbering doppleganger,
Lying asleep beside that unearthly stranger,
Who held up a hand for silence,
And the ringing ceased its clamorous violence;
He turned to me and I knew I was in danger
In danger of losing this world,
Of losing this lovely girl;
Yet I knew it was through
No malice on the part of the stranger.
He said, "My brother is awakening,
And from this world I must now be taking him.
By now you know, that when he goes, you go,
And you'll never be able to shake him."
Then his brother moaned,
And I felt pain greater than I had ever known;
The world began to shake,
My dreamworld started to quake,
And as I became one with my brother,
That slumbering other,
I knew I was headed for home.
As that world began to fade,
And a new one to take its place,
I caught the eye of that beautiful face.
It was filling with tears,
And I began to wonder which was the more real:
The girl and the world
From which I had just been evicted,
Or the chair in which I now sat,
Burning with the conviction that
I had just loved and lost
The most beautiful of all faces.
Unknown
Deaths' Wish
A black veil of guilt obscures your face,
As I watch you drown in the deep well of my love
Slowly you suffocate, choking, gasping, failing
Your love no more than a cutting thorn in my side.
You tore apart my life, ripped me limb from limb,
I gave you all, I held nothing back from you
My love was a passing fancy you toyed with. Yet..
I ask the Heavens above to still my blind heart
That yours may beat again.
As I watch you drown in the deep well of my love
Slowly you suffocate, choking, gasping, failing
Your love no more than a cutting thorn in my side.
You tore apart my life, ripped me limb from limb,
I gave you all, I held nothing back from you
My love was a passing fancy you toyed with. Yet..
I ask the Heavens above to still my blind heart
That yours may beat again.
NIGHT FIRE #poetry
Somewhere at the depth of night,
My heart trembles,
Shakes and cries out,
In a furious, strange sort of fright.
Memories anew assault my senses,
New demons clutch and slash at my flesh,
My skin freezes,
With a rememberance of times long past.
My heart trembles,
Shakes and cries out,
In a furious, strange sort of fright.
Memories anew assault my senses,
New demons clutch and slash at my flesh,
My skin freezes,
With a rememberance of times long past.
Monday, 9 July 2012
Extract from "Beyond Survivor - My Truth, My Story" TRIGGER WARNING
As I awoke I felt millions of nerve endings scream their rebellion. My head thundered, I could hardly move it off the mattress. I tried to work out how I got in this state. I had drunk myself into oblivion frequently but this was different, my body knew the answer but my brain refused to accept.
I lay there in the light of early dawn, my body seemingly glued to the bed. No pillows softened a place for my head and no sheets covered my naked body. Hours seemed to pass as I tried to focus my thoughts, to gingerly explore why such pain racked my body. I slipped in and out of terrifying sleep. I woke again, managed to focus on the clock on the wall opposite. 10:35 am. Strange, I'd left the flat at 10 pm, what had happened in the past twelve hours to cause this pain.
I slowly moved myself into a sitting position. I almost screamed aloud in pain. I looked around me, my clothes were strewn across the floor, bed clothes heaped amongst them. I tuned to look at the bed, the spot where I had been curled up. My brain screamed no!! There was blood, a lot of blood. I moved sharply, too sharply as invisible knives cut into my flesh. Dried blood along my legs, my hands and arms. Pictures flashed through my head, memories of the night before tormenting me from the shadows of consciousness.
I staggered to the bathroom and emptied the contents of my stomach down the toilet pan. My head was screaming, my body joining in the chorus. I had to clean myself, I made my way to the shower stall and turned on the water. I lay on the floor of the shower stall and let the water pour over me.
I started to cry, big heaving sobs broke free from my chest. I had been raped again.
Later that morning I realised that not 12 hours had passed since I'd left the flat, but a day and a half. This fact frightened me. I could have died and no one would have been any the wiser for days or even weeks. I had no friends, no family at hand. I was alone in a world where it seemed I was getting crazier and crazier with each passing week. It took a few days for the memories to become clear, I had been drinking and had all but passed out in a night club. I was offered a ride home which I had accepted. My first wife and I had not long separated and I was lonely, rarely sober and acted out sexually to anyone who showed the slightest interest in me. The events of my childhood had clouded my perceptions of sexuality, of right and wrong and I had no self respect.
Authors note :-
The memory of this event is quite new. Following the incident I spent months being tested for STDs, thankfully I was clear of all. During this time I began cutting myself again. It was a vain attempt to bleed myself clean of the shame and guilt I felt. I had been a "cutter" as a teenager too, for the same reasons. Shortly after this event a new personality rose through the ranks of my inner army and the memory of the attack was tucked away. With hindsight I can see why things happened the way they did. I can stand to one side of the memory, analyse it, deal with it and then put it where it belongs.
It seems that patterns of abuse emerge when one is able to look back at life with impartiality. Choices I made as a young adult are now, with hindsight, obviously influenced by the conditioning received during childhood. So often in my adult life I had placed myself in abusive situations. I was conditioned to be an underdog, to lie, to steal, to cheat to please others and simply to survive. Physical contact from another was nearly always associated with a feeling of being dirty, of having been used, of waiting for the pain to return.
Those that singled me out to gratify their perverted sexual needs turned an innocent child into a monster.
Sunday, 8 July 2012
Is every pedophile a child molester?
Is there an obvious answer to this question? Not if my experiences online recently are anything to go by. I decided to investigate the definitions of pedophilia.
As a medical diagnosis, pedophilia, or paedophilia, is defined as a psychiatric disorder in persons who are 16 years of age or older typically characterized by a primary or exclusive sexual interest in prepubescent children (generally those under the age of 14, though onset of puberty varies). The prepubescent child must be at least five years younger than the person before the attraction can be diagnosed as pedophilia. (wikipedia)
In popular usage, pedophilia means any sexual interest in children or the act of child sexual abuse, often termed "pedophilic behavior."[2][7][8][9] For example, The American Heritage Stedman's Medical Dictionary states, "Pedophilia is the act or fantasy on the part of an adult of engaging in sexual activity with a child or children."[10] This common use application also extends to the sexual interest in and sexual contact with pubescent or post-pubescent minors.[11][12] Researchers recommend that these imprecise uses be avoided because although people who commit child sexual abuse commonly exhibit the disorder,[7][13][14] some offenders do not meet the clinical diagnosis standards for pedophilia and these standards pertain to prepubescents.[11][15][16] Additionally, not all pedophiles actually commit such abuse.[16][17] (wikipedia)
OK.. So by the above definitions not every pedophile actually physically sexually molests a child. So I now turn to the definition for child sexual abuse.
Child sexual abuse is a form of child abuse in which an adult or older adolescent
uses a child for sexual stimulation.[1][2] Forms of child sexual abuse include asking or pressuring a child to engage in sexual activities (regardless of the outcome), indecent exposure (of the genitals, female nipples, etc.) with intent to gratify their own sexual desires or to intimidate or groom the child, physical sexual contact with a child, or using a
child to produce child pornography.[1][3][4]
The effects of child sexual abuse can include depression,[5] post-traumatic stress
disorder,[6] anxiety,[7] propensity to further victimization in adulthood,[8] and
physical injury to the child, among other problems.[9] Sexual abuse by
a family member is a form of incest, and can result in more serious and long-term psychological trauma, especially in the case of parental incest.[10] (wikipedia)
Under the law, "child sexual abuse" is an umbrella term describing criminal and civil
offenses in which an adult engages in sexual activity with a minor or exploits a minor for
the purpose of sexual gratification.[4][20] The American Psychiatric
Association states that "children cannot consent to sexual activity with
adults", and condemns any such action by an adult: "An adult who engages in
sexual activity with a child is performing a criminal and immoral act which
never can be considered normal or socially acceptable behavior." (wikipedia)
A question being raised on Twitter was "is every pedophile a child molester?"
My opinion is this.
YES. I believe that taking sexual gratification from watching films, viewing images or physically watching a child naked, is perverted. They allow a child to be sexually used for their own gratification and are therefore as guilty as the perpetrator by association.
I equally believe that those who turn a blind eye (for whatever reason) to child abuse are also guilty. Doing nothing is tantamount to condoning the act.
Allowing a child to be used for sexual gratification is wrong. Should there be an effort made to distinguish between those that physically abuse and those that take pleasure from observivng the abuse? Why, both are perversions against the most innocent members of human society. I say NO. A technical "pedophile" condones and enjoys the physical abuse and sexual manipulation of children. A child molestor often provides material for the pedophiles. One feeds off the other with the children being the victims. It is perverted behaviour.
Perversion is a concept describing those types of human behavior that are excessive or deviated from what is considered to be orthodox or normal. Although it can refer to varying forms of deviation, it is most often used to describe sexual behaviors that are seen by an individual as abnormal, repulsive or obsessive. (wikipedia)
As a medical diagnosis, pedophilia, or paedophilia, is defined as a psychiatric disorder in persons who are 16 years of age or older typically characterized by a primary or exclusive sexual interest in prepubescent children (generally those under the age of 14, though onset of puberty varies). The prepubescent child must be at least five years younger than the person before the attraction can be diagnosed as pedophilia. (wikipedia)
In popular usage, pedophilia means any sexual interest in children or the act of child sexual abuse, often termed "pedophilic behavior."[2][7][8][9] For example, The American Heritage Stedman's Medical Dictionary states, "Pedophilia is the act or fantasy on the part of an adult of engaging in sexual activity with a child or children."[10] This common use application also extends to the sexual interest in and sexual contact with pubescent or post-pubescent minors.[11][12] Researchers recommend that these imprecise uses be avoided because although people who commit child sexual abuse commonly exhibit the disorder,[7][13][14] some offenders do not meet the clinical diagnosis standards for pedophilia and these standards pertain to prepubescents.[11][15][16] Additionally, not all pedophiles actually commit such abuse.[16][17] (wikipedia)
OK.. So by the above definitions not every pedophile actually physically sexually molests a child. So I now turn to the definition for child sexual abuse.
Child sexual abuse is a form of child abuse in which an adult or older adolescent
uses a child for sexual stimulation.[1][2] Forms of child sexual abuse include asking or pressuring a child to engage in sexual activities (regardless of the outcome), indecent exposure (of the genitals, female nipples, etc.) with intent to gratify their own sexual desires or to intimidate or groom the child, physical sexual contact with a child, or using a
child to produce child pornography.[1][3][4]
The effects of child sexual abuse can include depression,[5] post-traumatic stress
disorder,[6] anxiety,[7] propensity to further victimization in adulthood,[8] and
physical injury to the child, among other problems.[9] Sexual abuse by
a family member is a form of incest, and can result in more serious and long-term psychological trauma, especially in the case of parental incest.[10] (wikipedia)
Under the law, "child sexual abuse" is an umbrella term describing criminal and civil
offenses in which an adult engages in sexual activity with a minor or exploits a minor for
the purpose of sexual gratification.[4][20] The American Psychiatric
Association states that "children cannot consent to sexual activity with
adults", and condemns any such action by an adult: "An adult who engages in
sexual activity with a child is performing a criminal and immoral act which
never can be considered normal or socially acceptable behavior." (wikipedia)
A question being raised on Twitter was "is every pedophile a child molester?"
My opinion is this.
YES. I believe that taking sexual gratification from watching films, viewing images or physically watching a child naked, is perverted. They allow a child to be sexually used for their own gratification and are therefore as guilty as the perpetrator by association.
I equally believe that those who turn a blind eye (for whatever reason) to child abuse are also guilty. Doing nothing is tantamount to condoning the act.
Allowing a child to be used for sexual gratification is wrong. Should there be an effort made to distinguish between those that physically abuse and those that take pleasure from observivng the abuse? Why, both are perversions against the most innocent members of human society. I say NO. A technical "pedophile" condones and enjoys the physical abuse and sexual manipulation of children. A child molestor often provides material for the pedophiles. One feeds off the other with the children being the victims. It is perverted behaviour.
Perversion is a concept describing those types of human behavior that are excessive or deviated from what is considered to be orthodox or normal. Although it can refer to varying forms of deviation, it is most often used to describe sexual behaviors that are seen by an individual as abnormal, repulsive or obsessive. (wikipedia)
Thursday, 5 July 2012
The Seven Advices of Mevlana
One of my favourite places to visit in Turkey is the Mevlâna museum in Konya. It is a very spiritual and peaceful place.The Mevlâna museum, located in Konya, Turkey, is the mausoleum of Jalal ad-Din Muhammad Rumi, a Sufi mystic also known as Mevlâna or Rumi. It was also the dervish lodge (tekke) of the Mevlevi order, better known as the whirling dervishes. (Wikipedia)
On my road back to myself I often thought of these seven "advices" or "lectures" that I believe should be a part of all our lives. I don't always manage to stick to them but I do try.
1-In generosity and helping others be like a river.
2-In compassion and grace be like sun.
3-In concealing others' faults be like night.
4-In anger and fury be like dead.
5-In modesty and humility be like earth.
6-In tolerance be like a sea.
7-Either exist as you are or be as you look
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