Male Abuse Awareness Week, Dec. 1-8 via @Help4GuysOrg

The Male Abuse Awareness Week with Help4Guys

Help4Guys.org (formerly the P. Luna Foundation) believes that Male Victims of Abuse should no longer be silent. Every day we give a voice to these isolated individuals because by doing so they are more likely to work through their problems and get the help they need. We strive to prevent or relieve the crippling effects of past and current abuse like; serious psychological problems, relationship problems, drug addiction, suicide and the random cycle of abuse.

We also wish to inspire people and organizations that provide help services to female victims and survivors to start offering specialized services for abused males, if you do not already. If you are a service provider, we offer information here to help you start to understand some basics of how to deal with the special needs of male victims and survivors of all forms of abuse.

The P. Luna Foundation started Male Abuse Awareness Week, Dec 1-8 in 2008 and are the official organizers of this annual awareness campaign.

Get involved and Follow them HERE

Common feelings for sexually violated men via @SurvivorsUK

Mission of SurvivorsUK

SurvivorsUK helps men who have been sexually violated and raises awareness of their needs

Note:  Sexual violation includes both childhood sexual abuse and adult sexual assault/rape

SurvivorsUK define male sexual violation as any unwanted or non-consensual sexual act performed against a man or boy at any time in his life.

Emotional Shock

I feel numb. How can I be so calm? Why can’t I cry?

Disbelief and/or Denial

Did it really happen? Why me? Maybe I just imagined it. It’s not really important.

Embarrassment

What will people think? I can’t tell my family or friends.

Shame

I feel completely filthy, disgusting, like there’s something wrong with me. I can’t get clean.

Guilt

I feel as if it’s my fault, or I should’ve been able to stop it. If only I had…

Depression

How am I going to get through the day? I’m so tired! I feel so hopeless. What’s the point of going on?

Powerlessness

Will I ever feel in control again?

Disorientation

I don’t even know what day it is, or where I’m supposed to be. I keep forgetting things.

Flashbacks

I’m reliving what happened! I keep seeing, hearing and smelling things that bring it right back and I feel like it’s happening all over again.

Fear

I’m scared of everything. What if I have an STI or AIDS? I can’t sleep because I’ll have nightmares. I’m afraid to go out. I’m afraid to be alone.

Anxiety

I’m having panic attacks. I can’t breathe. I can’t stop shaking. I feel overwhelmed.

Anger

I feel like hurting the person who attacked me or lashing out at the world.

Physical Stress

My stomach (or head or back) aches all the time. I feel jittery and don’t want to eat.

The long term consequences of sexual violation are well documented and comprise a wide range of psychological, emotional, physical, and social effects.  These include anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, drug and alcohol addiction, borderline personality disorder, sleep disorders, eating disorders, schizophrenia, psychosis,  grief, post-traumatic reactions, poor self perception, sexual dysfunction, social dysfunction, dysfunction of relationships (including parenting), poor education and employment records, and a range of physical symptoms.  The symptoms in an individual may be specific or general, episodic or chronic.

The percentage of adults who experienced sexual abuse as children and had long term effects is not known, although in one British study 13% of a sample of such adults reported that they had been permanently damaged.

Contact Survivors UK

Twitter - @SurvivorsUK

Web - http://www.survivorsuk.org/

FaceBook - https://www.facebook.com/SurvivorsUK

The Sexually Assaulted Male

Sexual assault occurs when one person engages in sexual activity with another person, without the consent of the other individual. These acts can a be physical or verbal in nature.

Sexual assault can be perpetrated in various ways - it can involve strangers or people who know one another, individuals or groups of people. Positions of authority, blackmail, weapons, or drugs may be used to encourage the submission of the victim. In cases such as sexual harassment in the workplace, the victim is subjected to a hostile work environment with genderized standards and/or unwelcome sexual discourse.

It is important to remember that, no matter what the circumstances, sexual assault is never the fault or responsibility of the victim, no matter the gender.

Breaking Down Myths About Male Sexual Assault:

Myth: Men cannot be sexually assaulted by women.

Reality: Men are sexually assaulted by women (although most perpetrators of male sexual assault are men).

--------

Myth: Men cannot be sexually assaulted by men.

Reality: Men are sexually assaulted by other men, regardless of sexual orientation.

-------- 

Myth: Men cannot be sexually assaulted.

Reality: Men ARE sexually assaulted. Men of any sexual orientation, size, appearance, or strength can be sexually assaulted.

--------

Myth: Only gay men are sexually assaulted.

Reality: Heterosexual, bisexual, and gay men are equally likely to be sexually assaulted. It has nothing to do with sexual orientation.

-------

Myth: Only gay men sexually assault other men.

Reality: Most men who sexually assault other men identify themselves as straight. Sexual assault is about anger, violence, and control, not necessarily about lust or sexual attraction.

--------

Myth: Erections or ejaculation during a sexual assault means you consented to the assault, or "liked it."

Reality: Erection and ejaculation are physical responses to an assault (over which there is very little control), and these do not imply enjoyment or pleasure. However, these responses can confuse and manipulate a victim of sexual assault into the false believe that they did, in fact, consent to the experience. They did not.

How Common is Male Sexual Assault?

Rates of male sexual assault, similar to female sexual assault, are said to be grossly under-reported. In fact, it is believed that 10% of all sexual assault victims in the US are male (RAINN) and that 10-20% of all men will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime (www.mscasa.org). This number includes boys who are sexually assaulted in childhood. For more information aboutpreventing, detecting, and responding to childhood sexual assault please see the resources linked here.

In recent years, perhaps due to economic decline, reports of sexual assault on males have increased.

Male Sexuality

The issue of male sexual assault is complicated by society’s beliefs about male sexuality. Many people may believe that it is impossible for a man to be sexually abused due to their size and strength. This is absolutely untrue.

There is also a myth that all men enjoy all sexual contact, thus making the victim “lucky” to have engaged in sexual activity. This myth is particularly damaging and false.

Males who have experienced sexual abuse can sometimes respond in a physical way - by becoming erect , which can lead to feelings of guilt or shame. It should be noted that a physical response to abuse does not, in any way, indicate acceptance or willingness to participate in sexual activity. It is merely a physiological response to a stimulus.

These responses do not mean that the sexual activity was not assault and cannot be prosecuted as such.

Effects of Sexual Assault:

Men and boys who have been abused may experience any, all, or none of the following, in response to their abuse:

Decreased self-esteem, self-confidence, or development of negative body image

Feelings of shame, anger, guilt, and self-blame

Difficulties trusting others, especially those who share the gender of their abuser

Sexual difficulties

Difficulties with intimacy

Self-destructive impulses

Confusion or questions about sexual identity and masculinity

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

These issues can be effectively addressed with therapy. Men may be particularly unwilling to undergo therapy, believing that they can tough it out. Many men identify with the stereotypical strong, quiet man and don’t wish to call attention to their abuse; however, support is essentialfor the recovery of any sexual abuse victim, and therapy should be encouraged.

Certain medications may also be administered if the victim sufferers from disruptive mood disorders or trauma-related problems.

Unique Issues Faced By Male Sexual Assault Survivors:

Society wrongly denies that men get sexually assaulted. With the exception of a prison joke, most people don't even think about male sexual assault. When most people think of rape or sexual assault, they think of women. There's a stigma that "real men" can fight off any attacker or that men are immune to sexual assault - and the issue that most people think that men, due to the nature of erections, cannot be forced into sex. These stigmas allow for men to feel safe from sexual assault.

Until it happens to them.

It's really no wonder that men don't seek help or report sexual assault. The percentage of men who report sexual assault is less than 5% - because they feel shame, isolation, and like they're somehow "less of a man," if they admit to being sexually assaulted.

For guys, the idea of being a victim is hard to accept. I mean, guys grow up believing they can defend themselves against ANYTHING. Dudes are supposed to believe that they can fight - TO THE DEATH - something like an unwanted sexual advance. Those masculine feelings are deeply rooted for most men - which can lead to guilt, shame and inadequacy for male sexual assault survivors.

Lots of male sexual assault survivors question whether or not it WAS sexual assault. Maybe they wanted it! Maybe they deserved it! I mean, they did fail to defend themselves...right? Male sexual assault survivors often become disgusted with themselves for not fighting back. The feelings are normal of any rape survivor, but the thoughts are flawed. Men who've been assaulted were just doing the best they could to survive. There's NO shame in that.

Thanks to the guilt and shame spiral, a lot of male survivors punish themselves for the assault by engaging in self-destructive behavior. Drug or alcohol use and abuse. Picking fights. Social isolation. This is why male sexual assault survivors are at a higher risk for depression, work problems, and drug or alcohol addiction.

Sexual insecurities are common following a sexual assault are common. It may be hard to have sex or have a relationship with someone because any sexual contact may trigger a flashback. So if you've been the victim of male sexual assault, please just go easy on yourself and take some time to recover.

When heterosexual men are assaulted, they may question their sexuality, as though the assault may have made him gay, especially if the perpetrator accused the victim of enjoying himself. Sexual assault, though, is about power, anger, and control - not about sexuality. A sexual assault cannot "make someone gay."

Gay men who have been sexually assaulted may feel self-loathing and self-blame, as though their sexuality caused it. In fact, some sexual assaults ARE the result of gay-bashing, motivated by fear of homosexuals. Remember that NO ONE deserves to be sexually assaulted.

What To Do If You've Been Assaulted:

Men who have been sexually assaulted should first get to a safe place and then call a friend and/or the police for help. Victims should refrain from showering or otherwise destroying physical evidence that may help convict the offender.

Remember, victims are not to blame for the assault.

By raising awareness about the prevalence of male sexual assault, we have hope that more and more men will feel comfortable reaching out for the help they need and deserve after surviving sexual assault.

Reclaiming Your Life:

It's important for all male sexual assault survivors to remember that their feelings and reactions are both normal and temporary. Fear and confusion will lessen, but the trauma of a sexual assault may disrupt things awhile. Some feelings will happen out of the blue and are related to the sexual assault - you're not going crazy.

It's hard to want to talk about your feelings - you probably just want to get over it and move on with your life. Eventually, you'll have to deal with those feelings to heal and gain control of your life again. So talk to a friend, a therapist, a hotline counselor - anyone you trust - to work through those feelings. It's a key part of reclaiming your life after a sexual assault.

Remember - you won't be functioning 100% after the assault. It's normal to feel tired, forgetful or irritable - be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to feel how you feel.

Tips for Taking Care of Yourself:

Get some support. Find people who understand what you're feeling and those who love you just as you are. Don't isolate yourself.

• Engage in some hard exercise or some relaxation techniques.

• Talk about the assault - express your feelings. Doesn't have to be with everyone, just people you trust.

• Get some counseling.

• Remind yourself that you're safe now - no one can hurt you.

• Let out some of your anger in safe, healthy ways like writing or reading.

• Write a post for Band Back Together. Remember: you can be anonymous!

How To Help Someone Who Has Been Sexually Assaulted:

• First, get your friend or family member some medical help.

• Listen to him - don't judge him.

• Let him stay with you or offer to stay with him.

• Give some comfort.

• Suggest that he get some professional help.

• Don't offer quick-fix ideas for healing. They don't help.

• Accept his choices for dealing with the sexual assault.

• Get some counseling for yourself if you can't handle your own feelings.

Find More HERE Band Back Together

MatrixMen South Africa @Matrixmensa

MatrixMen MatrixMen was established to provide support for men that get to a point in their lives where they can no longer deny the fact that they were at some point in their lives sexually abused. This is often a harsh reality that is difficult to deal with, and many men choose to end it all. This is not the only choice, You now have help at hand. The effects of sexual abuse remain with the victim and often create serious and ongoing problems for both the victim and their families in later life. The problems associated with CSA include : The inability to create meaningful relationships. Some form of sexual dysfunction, including sex addiction, porn addiction and incapacity for intimacy. Relationship problems including excessive anger towards ones partner. Personal shame. The inability to fulfill ones potential. Excessive reliance on drugs & alcohol. Homophobia  Excessive anger  MatrixMen is a Non-Profit and a Non Government Organisation, created and managed by people who have themselves been victims of sexual abuse. MatrixMen provides support services to people who wish to overcome the ongoing effects of abuse. These services include the creation of a safe environment for the discussion of these issues, in a group dynamic. Please welcome Martin Pelders, founder of Matrix Men South Africa.

Often I look back on my life and smile,  odd statement for a guy that suffered sexual abuse and neglect, but I smile thinking,  what a journey it has been,  what a turnaround it has been, and all of this in 4 short years.
But that is now,  life up until four years ago was pretty miserable, and getting to this point was probably one of the most painful experiences I have had to endure.  

Memories of my abuse go back to the age of five or six,  these years are pretty patchy and many of them still lost,  but I've had flashes of things being done to me at that age,  the abuse continued to the age of 19.
Finally at the age of 19 we were conscripted into the military in South Africa where we had to serve a two year national service stint.  It was during one of the days of physical training that I remember thinking "boy I'm pretty tough,  I'm sure I can fight these guys of me"

Throughout the two years of national service I tried to avoid rather than to confront my perpetrators, I was already a pretty heavy drinker, after all it was easier to avoid than to confront, and drinking was sure a great way of avoiding the issues. 

After the military service, I was released into the big world where I would encounter people and situations that I was certainly not ready for after the relative safety of the known that the military gave me.  

Initially I was afraid to go out and find jobs, mostly calling on family and friends to help with their contacts,  and when I finally did get one, I didn't stay long,  I think the longest I stayed at a company was a year,  and I would be of in search of a new challenge,  hopeful this time it would finally make me happy.
  
I went into many careers, many varied fields, quickly mastering and excelling in that field,  but then as the end of my first year rolled in I would begin to itch and want to move on.

Eventually I became quite proficient at finding work for myself,  selling myself and doing well for a short while and then this burning desire to move again. At the time I didn't know what drove me to move on so much,  but years later with the benefit of hindsight I saw that it was the fear of someone finally finding out what I really was,  as sexual deviant, alcoholic,  porn addict and a liar. There was at the time also the added fear of failure,  the fear of not being as good as I portrayed myself to be. 

One of the most prevalent goals in my life was always the search for happiness,  the deep seated knowledge that there had to be something better,  after all, being alone and wanting to be drunk all the time, wanting to blow my brains out every day was not my idea of a happy life.

I wanted a real girlfriend not a magazine and my hand.  I tried the gay scene,  but left a lover on his knees open mouthed on a beach and walked away.  Another orgasm was not going to make my dead heart feel better,  whether with a guy or girl. 

Finally I thought perhaps if I found a girl got married and did what society told me to do I would be happy,  you know the dream,  wife,  house,  2 kids,  a cat and a microwave.  This was the key to happiness,  it had to be. 

Well I found a young girl,  we dated for a while and was soon married.  I remember on our honeymoon night,  I opted to go get drunk in the bar rather than spend the first night with my bride, she was waiting in the room in a frilly outfit and waited whilst I "moved the car". I just didn't come back,  she fell asleep alone.  This should have been a sign,  she should have run there and then. 

It was as in most things in my life, not going to be easy to find the happiness that I so craved or the happy life that society was trying to sell us.  My young bride could not fall pregnant,  there was something wrong and for a long time our desire to have children gave us a common goal,  something we could focus on,  that short time was 11 years.  Finally God blessed us the miracle we so desired, a beautiful baby girl. 

This for me was the beginning of the end,  my life was from this point going to get more and more dysfunctional. 

I could not understand my increased alcohol intake,  the drinking got heavier and heavier,  my moods got worse and worse,  my anger exploded.  My poor daughter could not make a noise,  could not ask me anything,  could not play with me,  whatever she tried to do to be close to daddy was met with either a bad mood or anger.  I kept saying that it would get better when she got older,  "I just can't relate to little kids" I would say.  My wife began hinting that perhaps I was drinking a little too much, to which I of course responded “it’s because I’m so stressed”.

At this stage of my life I had my own business,  I was doing the sales,  installations,  invoicing,  purchases,  books, I did everything and I was tired, but that was certainly not the reason I was drinking so much
Finally we started trying for a second child,  and this was again a process of doctors and tests,  but to no avail.   I did discover one thing in this process, and that was that I was an alcoholic.  
In remember the doctor asking me if I drank a lot,  I said 
“Only about two drinks a night” (lie)
He asked if I would stop drinking for 6 weeks,  
"No problem" I replied,  well after the second day I realised that this wasn't going to be that easy,  in fact I started to drink again.  
This was hard, I started realizing that I was an alcoholic,  
"Damn, that woman was right" I thought. 

One night we had a bit of a party at my home,  and when I woke up naked on the lawn the next morning,  I decided that this was not on.  I stopped drinking that day. 

Three months of pain were to follow as my body withdrew from the constant intake of alcohol,  but I managed and to this day have not let a drop of alcohol cross my lips. 

Sad thing is,  that not drinking didn't make me happy either, and after 4 years of sobriety I was finally forced to go to the AA and see if I could save my marriage. 

With the drinking over I began to fall to my other great addiction,  porn.

Wow was I never going to be normal?

I went through the AA program and still happiness evaded me until one day I was home and saw the Oprah show,  the 200 men. Here were a bunch of men telling my story,  guys talking about how I felt,  talking about the thoughts that were going through my mind,  how did they know?  They were me. 

From this point in my life,  my entire focus was on finding out more about what sexual abuse did to me, the effects I the dysfunctions,  the way it altered my life,  that was my quest. 

I was 45 when I finally worked out what the problem was with me, I  am a male survivor of sexual abuse. 
The porn gave way to a new passion,  studying,  learning, writing,  asking questions,  absorbing every little bit of information.  That gave way to understanding what my problems were, which moved into pain and discovery,  loss,  fear,   dread. I discovered that over the years as a survivor, I had developed several different personalities.  At work I was the ultimate professional, top of my field.  At home I was the worst person, the one I thought was the real me. In the community I was a fighter for a safe suburb.  At the parties I was the comedian, the joker, life and soul of the party, and at Church, well I was the leader the helper the nice guy.  Would I ever be normal,  could I take these different me's and make them one whole functional man?  Would the real Martin please stand up? 

At one point in the journey I thought that I couldn't,  that I would never be "normal". That night I wanted one of two things from God, healing or death,  I didn't care which. 
God gave me healing,  and I promised Him that I would make it my mission to talk to all the men in my country about male survivors,  I would be one of the 200 men in the South African context. I would become the one to say its ok, you are not alone. 

That night MatrixMen was born.  Being the only one in the country that spoke about this was not easy. At first people thought I was mad,  but I kept going,  I kept puffing away at it, I kept calling into talk shows,  writing to the press,  calling people,  talking talking talking.

About a year into recovery I got a call from another male survivor in South Africa,  he wanted to join me,  so we met and spoke and spoke or first meeting we chatted for 5 hours,  we couldn't get enough of it, he later went on to start the other organization that talks about this in South Africa, I was sad that we did not work together at first, but in hindsight it was good to have two organizations instead of only one crazy guy shouting out.

MatrixMen and the other groups in South Africa have a tremendous amount of work to do, there are many millions of men to reach, people to help and perspectives to change.  All of this will take time and energy, and with Gods help and guidance we will get there and help the men that are hurting.  One thing I have learnt in the 50 years that I have been on earth is that patience is a virtue.

There I realize two types of people on earth, those that have been hurt and those that have not.  The one group that has been hurt has at the end of the day 2 choices in their lives, remain a victim or stand up and face your demons.  

Both options are scary, remaining a victim means that you will go through life unhappy and hurting, and standing up and facing the hurts of your past will, I repeat WILL be hard and Will cause you pain, it will be difficult, but I promise that if you tackle this task with a firm desire to heal your life, that pain will be very very short in the greater scheme of things.  I was a victim for 45 years, I fought my demons for about a year, of which 8 months were the hardest, but yes, today I can sit back and smile at the path that I have traveled, happy in the knowledge that I am a good person, I am a happy person, I am sucessful, loved and a good father. None of this would have happened had I not faced and fought the demons of my past.

Two things have brought me through all this, the support of my father whose quiet support I have been blessed to have, and my Father in Heaven that has told me that I could be a new creation, that all the bad things that I had done in my past were forgiven and that I am a special creation with a calling and a purpose.
All Survivors are Special people and my wish for all of you is that you find the courage and conviction to face your demons and fears and conquer them so that you too can live a life free from fear and bondage.
You are all special, you are all chosen, you all have a purpose, I pray you find yours.

Martin Pelders 

Founder MatrixMen South Africa

martin@matrixmen.org

Twitter - @Matrixmensa 

The Sexual Abuse Of Males

I am a researcher and therapist with a doctorate (Ph.D.) in clinical psychology. I have studied the lasting effects of child abuse and have expertise in several related areas, including the long-term effects of childhood sexual abuse in men.

I am an independent consultant in several areas (e.g., forensic, see Professional Services), and a Clinical Instructor of Psychology in the Department of Psychiatry of Harvard Medical School.

I was a founding board member of 1in6, Inc., a nonprofit devoted to helping men who've had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences as boys live happier, healthier lives; I authored the pages of 1in6.org from 2008 through 2011. I am also on the board of directors of Stop It Now!, a nonprofit that prevents the sexual abuse of children by mobilizing adults, families and communities to take actions that protect children before they are harmed.

Here are the reasons I have published this page:

1. To help those looking for resources on the sexual abuse of boys and the lasting effects of childhood sexual abuse in the lives of men.
2. To provide resources for men who were sexually abused in childhood and want to know what professional researchers and therapists have learned, without having to read scholarly journals and books.
3. To provide resources for girlfriends, spouses, partners, friends and family members of men who were (or may have been) sexually abused in childhood.

Here are some key messages for men who were sexually abused in childhood:

• You are not alone.
  
• You can educate yourself.
  
• Other guys struggle with their masculinity too.
  
• There are people who understand what you're dealing with and can help.

Read much more HERE

Male Victims Of Childhood Sexual Abuse

Many men who were sexually victimised as children find themselves faced with a difficult challenge as an adult. The skills they used as a child tend to be counter productive in later life. The long term, damaging effects of silence became more painful than the risks of speaking out, transforming and healing.  

The effects of sexual abuse on men include:

• Depression and Anxiety
• Self Blame and Shame
• Tendency to be Over Controlling or Too Submissive
• Inability to Trust
•  Flashbacks and Invasive Thoughts
• Difficulty Forming and Maintaining Healthy Relationships with Oneself and Others
• Anger and Rage
• Dissociative Identity Disorder
• Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
• Self-Destructive Behaviour
• Sleep Disorders
• Addictions
• Confusion around Sexual Identity
• Stress Related Illness
•  Sense of loss, helplessness, isolation and alienation
• Dissatisfaction with Life
• Never Feeling Good Enough or Worthy
• Problems Defining Healthy Sexuality
• Guilt and Self Blame
• Suicidal Thoughts or Attempts
• Distorted View of Healthy Masculinity

Adult and teenage males might also feel that they are "less of a man" and that their masculinity has been compromised. Male survivors may also feel a crippling feeling of worthlessness from the notion that they could not protect themselves from a sexual attack and that they were somehow conquered and emasculated. This can lead male victims to question their ability to be what they, and society dictates, is a "man" and to question their masculinity as a whole. 

The feelings of worthlessness may be strengthened due to involuntary erection or ejaculation during the sexual assault. However, those physical reactions can be the result of extreme fear and stress as well as the "stimulation" of the assault.

Male sexual assault survivors should always be reminded that the assault was an act of violence and not one of a consensual, sexual nature.Their physical reaction was no different than that of an involuntary response such as a sneeze or a yawn.

Unfortunately sexual victimisiation is still mostly seen as a female issue, with men being the aggressors. The truth is very different and in turn the resources available to victims are mostly aimed at female victims. Whilst many of the effects of sexual victimisation are similar in both sexes, there are differences; some distinct and others more subtle.  A one fix approach for both sexes will NOT work. 

The prevalence of childhood sexual abuse is now becoming more recognised and more men are coming forward to disclose their own experiences. The resources to help them, either with the disclosure process or the healing that follows, are few and far between. 

Whilst the publicity around the high profile cases does shed more light onto this most heinous of crimes, the reality is, that most abuse is familial, unreported and therefore unrecorded. Change MUST come. There is no shame or blame on the head of the victim, despite what their preconceived or conditioned thoughts, may be. 

Male Survivors - Changing Societies Attitudes #ChildAbuse #CSA #CSE #MENHURTTOO #MALEVICTIMSTOO

Male Survivors - Changing Societies Attitudes 

A common misconception held by many people is that men cannot be "victims" of sexual abuse. It is often believed that if an adult or teenage male is sexually assaulted he must have consented to the act. It then follows that if the male consented he must be gay or bi-sexual. Add to this the again mistaken belief that males cannot become erect or ejaculate without consent or enjoyment and you have a powerful and pervasive belief system in place which forces most male survivors of sexual assault to remain silent. Many beleive that if a man is abused or raped it makes the victim homosexual. What absolute rubbish!

Sexuality is complex. It is not a choice. It is not forced upon you.

I do believe that sexual abuse and rape might cause confusion in the victim, BUT, only because of the way society views different stereotypes. Society and bad education has a great deal to answer for. "Real" men cannot be abused or raped... Again a misleading, confusing and totally incorrect statement. Firstly define a "real" man? It is what society deems it to be. Unless we change our attitudes, educate ourselves to the truth, millions of men will remain silent.

I don't give a monkeys if you are straight, gay or bi-sexual. You are human. If you are a victim of childhood or adult sexual abuse/assault you should not be judged or labelled because of it.

Being a VICTIM does not define what or who you are, sexually or otherwise.

Growing up I had massive confusion over who or what I was. I was taught that boys don't cry, that they must be strong and silent. Boys don't play with girls, they must play with other boys. Sports and fishing and cars (stereotypical boy/man hood activities) were supposed to be my interests.. I enjoyed some sports yes, but health problems prevented me from doing many. I enjoyed the company of any friend.. I didn't have many, I didn't mix well. Recently I remembered the Grandfather encouraging me to play "Doctor/Patient" with other boys. He always made me be the patient. I spent much of my childhood alone. I was robbed of a "normal" upbringing and have few happy memories. I was a loner whenever possible. It hurt less that way.

I grew up frightened, confused and alone.

The way that we have been created leads to stereotypical expectations. The female is "supposed" to be the home maker, the "weaker" sex (I don't agree) and the man the hunter gatherer. The male is not supposed to cry or get emotional. Showing one's feelings, showing that we might be scared is a huge no no.

Society has created a belief system that is damaging and prevents so many from being able to stand up and ask for help.

These myths and stereotypes silence victims. So many men have commited suicide because they cannot face what happened to them and feel unable to ask for help. So many men live unhappy, unfulfilled lives because they don't want the finger pointed at them.

Isn't it time that these stereotypes and myths were put where they belong? In the rubbish/trash and destroyed forever.

Until society changes it's attitudes generally then millions will go on suffering in silence.

I often say on this blog "Come on guys! Stand up and be counted! There's no shame in being the victim!" This is totally true. What is just as important that we work to change the attitudes of those around us.

Our Governments need to wake up to the truth about sexual abuse. Money needs to be spent educating the masses. "We" have to educate the masses.

At the moment the paedophiles and rapists are the winners. The curtain of silence is keeping them safe. The fear of societies expectations is keeping the victims silent.

It's time to rip down that curtain and to turn the tables on the evil scum that continue abusing, feeling safe because society has made them feel safe. Knowledge is power. We have the knowledge so it's time we took the power away from the paedophiles and rapists.

Punishment must be made much much harsher. A real "deterent" not a slap on the wrist or a short prison stay. The abusers took our lives and ruined them. Life should mean life. Let them rot in prisons.

We can make a difference. Together, united in our common aim. We have to.

Male Abuse Awareness Week - Press Release #childabuse #MaleAbuseAwarenessWeek

Male Abuse Awareness Week Dec.1-8, 2014 Presents a Brand New help4guys.org Web Site and Information Booth at SFSU on 12/8

This December the P. Luna Foundation will host its Seventh Annual Male Abuse Awareness Week or MAAW.  This program’s main focus is to change the negative social stigma that goes along with the topic of males who are or were victims of sexual or emotional abuse and domestic violence.

San Francisco CA, November 25, 2014

Over the year the nonprofit has closed two of their old sites and condensed them into a brand new help4guys.org (or helpforguys.org) web site with a fresh design and streamlined functions that make it much easier for abused males to find the information, resources and help they need.

As for the annual campaign’s activity, the P. Luna Foundation is taking their message to campus!
San Francisco State University, Cesar Chavez Student Center
1650 Holloway Ave., San Francisco, CA 94132.

Monday, December 8 from 11:30am to 5:00pm

The charity will have a booth at the University that day passing out cause buttons, posters and information about their message. They also invite students to get in on the conversation by leaving video comments that the charity can use for their 2015 Annual Awareness Video.

The abuse and neglect of children is a terrible tragedy, and the effects on the lives of children, the adults they become and their families, friends and coworkers can be profound.  Males abused as children suffer some unique harms and face special challenges to healing.  Because boys and young men are told by society that they must be strong and brave, they often feel guilty and ashamed about having been abused, dominated and vulnerable.  Male victims are much less likely to tell anyone what happened to them, let alone to seek professional help with healing.  Some get lost in self-destructive behaviors, seeking refuge in alcohol and drug addictions, sexual addictions and even suicide.  Although a minority, some pass on the pain by becoming abusers of their partners or children, perpetuating the cycle of abuse.  This is why the campaign to break male victims’ silence is so important.

According to Executive Director Barbara Ochoa, “Since we started this campaign in 2008 we have found that giving abused males a voice is significantly changing society’s opinion about the topic.  We see every day how more and more men are openly talking about their abuse as well as seeking help.  I just read today how guitar icon Carlos Santana is in the San Francisco Bay area doing appearances to promote his new biography book about his life including his childhood poverty and sexual abuse.  That is a huge win for all abused males!”

The P. Luna Foundation (PLF) is a registered 501c3 nonprofit organization founded in 2007.  In addition to the Male Abuse Awareness Week Campaign, we host the premiere portal/online directory of the world’s top services and resources for abused males.   The PLF also has a vibrant volunteer staff who supplements their therapy and healing by working for their cause.  For more information contact Barbara at 818.634.8551(direct) or theplunashow@aol.com.  P. Luna Foundation is located in Southern California at 5334 Lindley Ave. Suite #136, Encino CA 91319 and in Northern California at P.O. Box 523, San Bruno CA 94066 (for all mail).  P. Luna Foundation’s organization web site where people can donate is at help4guys.org. 

Male Abuse Awareness Week, Dec 1-8 ‏@plunafoundation #MAAW #childabuse #MaleAbuseAwarenessWeek

The P. Luna Foundation, the foundation behind Help4Guys.org, believes that Male Victims of Abuse should no longer be silent. Every day we give a voice to these isolated individuals because by doing so they are more likely to work through their problems and get the help they need. We strive to prevent or relieve the crippling effects of past and current abuse like; serious psychological problems, relationship problems, drug addiction, suicide and the random cycle of abuse.

We also wish to inspire people and organizations that provide help services to female victims and survivors to start offering specialized services for abused males, if you do not already. If you are a service provider, we offer information here to help you start to understand some basics of how to deal with the special needs of male victims and survivors of all forms of abuse.

The P. Luna Foundation started Male Abuse Awareness Week, Dec 1-8 in 2008 and are the official organizers of this annual awareness campaign.

MALE ABUSE AWARENESS WEEK CAMPAIGN

HELP 4 GUYS 

Silence To Hope - Ten Stages Of Recovery #ChildAbuse #MaleSurvivors

Ten Stages of Recovery

BRIEF SUMMARY OF THE STAGES OF RECOVERY

This section was copied from the book: Rebuilding Your House of Self Respect: Men recovering in group from childhood sexual abuse 2nd edition (2008) by Tom Wilken.

Many men who were sexually victimized as children find themselves faced with a perplexing challenge as an adult. The skills they used as a child tend to be counter productive as an adult. The perils of silence became more painful than the risks of transforming and healing.

Outlining the stages of recovery can be a misleading message to someone who is looking for a systematic, definitive plan that specifically tells them what their journey will entail. Every individual's recovery process is unique; no two are identical. However, most journeys have commonalities. The ten stages of recovery outlined here may give you an overview of what some men have experienced in their pilgrimage towards wholeness. Healing is not linear; it is back and forth and all over the place, resembling an upwardly spiralling design moving towards a destination determined by the individual. It can also be like a spider web that has many connections travelling in differing directions. Each person has a different web and follows a different path. People can be in various stages, or dealing with several of them at the same time. A person can be at one stage in one aspect of their lives and at a completely different stage in other areas.

The stages outlined here can help people design their own plan, based on the experience of others. This model typifies the journey of most but not all men. This is a brief summary and these topics will be expanded upon later in this book.

Stage #1: Denial

It is not unusual for people to be trapped in this stage for many years after the physical nature of the abuse has ended. There are many good, valid reasons why denial exists and persists. Resurfacing "ghosts" from the past is not easy to deal with. Even though the mind suppressed these memories for a good reason, there is a cost involved with keeping unresolved issues away from conscious awareness. Denial, whether it is conscious or subconscious, takes up a lot of emotional energy. Men talk about stuffing or burying feelings through the overuse of alcohol, chemical substances, prescribed medications, and other addictions.

These men were concerned about their inability to trust anyone, including themselves. Control can become a key concern for many men. They often find themselves in one of two extremes: either they feel totally controlled by others, or they try to totally control themselves and everything around them.

Having a positive connection with themselves and others seems unattainable for many sexually abused men. Due to the lack of educational material and health programs available for male survivors, many men choose secrecy and isolation until life becomes unmanageable. Others stay in denial forever, choosing to live with the associated costs involved with keeping the "ghosts" from the past in the closet.

There is a big difference between privacy and denial. When someone is in denial they are not attending to concerns that are affecting their quality of life. However, everyone has the right to privacy and the choice of how they work through issues in their lives.

The single biggest concern that survivors express is the inability to connect with themselves and others. By staying in denial and creating a false self, they limit the healthy connection they so desperately desire. When men step out of denial and start to acknowledge how childhood sexual abuse has had an impact on their adult lives, they enter stage two.

Stage #2: Confused awareness

This is the point when men start to take an honest look at their lives. For years, they have tried to forget all uncomfortable memories without success.

Many men are jolted into disclosure for various reasons. When men are emotionally overloaded with feelings connected to a present event, it becomes much harder to keep feelings connected to the past at bay. It is not easy to face the past, but most people start this stage when overloaded with other concerns, and especially when seeing the connection between the pain from the past and the hurt in the present. Perhaps a marriage has failed or they are having difficulty relating to others. Maybe the perpetrator has passed away and they feel it is safer to speak. Addictions may be destroying connections with people or things they love. This new awareness puts them into shock as they experience anxiety, panic and fear. When beginning to deal with unwanted memories, people become confused, doubting their own perceptions.

There are a lot of inner negotiations going on at this stage, and some men wish they could just forget and move on. But once "the cat is out of the bag", it is much harder to stuff it back in. When people are emotionally overwhelmed, they either engage more heavily in old habits or make a decision to heal. A decision to heal brings men to the next stage.

Stage #3: Reaching out

Coming out of a fog is not easy when you are unsure what is on the other side. At this stage, men understand the abuse happened, but they also struggle with inner shame and embarrassment. Finding someone safe and supportive to tell their stories to is not an easy task. If people are fortunate enough to connect with someone supportive, a decrease of guilt and shame will result. Unfortunately, many men seek or get advice from someone who minimizes their pain and promotes an approach that puts men back into denial. One common damaging statement victims hear is "that happened a long time ago, so just forget about it." If it were that easy, they would have. Besides, they already tried that approach, and it did not work. Reaching out and telling their stories helps men define their core issues, along with identifying losses.

Once men step out of their "cocoon" and begin sorting through the feelings and emotions connected to the past, they often enter the next stage.

Stage #4: Defining masculinity

Most men would like to grieve from a purely intellectual perspective, but healing emotional wounds from the past means feelings must be processed and included. How men view masculinity will either hinder or enhance their journey. There are many myths surrounding being a man that are simply obstacles in the recovery path. If people feel that "real" men are not victims, then they often view themselves as not being "real" men.

This stage gives men an opportunity to become real. It allows a man to become a person who is free to explore a wide range of feelings and emotions. Vulnerability and reaching out for help can be viewed as masculine, as a strength and not a weakness. Often, this is when men start to realize the abusive situation was not their fault and they step into the next stage at full speed.

Stage #5: Anger

This is a stage of explosive feelings; it creates anger, rage, and a desire for justice. Disclosures and confrontations seem to preoccupy the thought process. Reaching this stage is a reason for celebration, but watch out for the fireworks. Group members talk of an intense, highly charged energy that can spark rage and vengeful thoughts. They are standing up to abuse and no longer want any part of the trauma bond that may be keeping them connected with the abuser. Anger is like gasoline. If used wisely, it will drive you to where you need to go. If used unwisely, it could blow up in your face.

Anger is an emotion that is essential to the healing process. People often confuse anger with behaviour, particularly when people respond to anger with violence. It is not anger that determines the healthiness of one's choices, it is the behaviour, or how one responds to anger, that determines if anger works for or against a person. Once someone works through their anger, they will enter the next challenging stage. Nobody wants to go there, but it is an integral part of the growth process.

Stage #6: Depression

When men speak out, they are in a process of intense growth. For this new growth to happen, they often give up portions of their "old-self." Behaviours that may have worked for them as children may hinder their quality of life as an adult. The coping skills that were once useful may be outdated and counter productive. Old patterns are not always healthy, but they are familiar, and a natural reaction to giving up old and familiar ways of living is depression. If depression helps people recognize the parts of their lives that need adjusting, then there can be a healthy component to this process.

This stage is a time of transformation and integration that brings all the parts of the person together. Throughout this stage, there seems to be a death of the old "self" and a birth of a newer, healthier self. Although this is an intense period of positive growth, it can be filled with feelings of helplessness, guilt, remorse, and despair. This stage includes grieving a loss that can leave someone feeling a great sense of emptiness and sadness.

Men in this stage often find themselves giving up a need for control. This is only a stage and it will help pave the way to a better place. This next stage can be an eye opener that will positively change people's lives forever.

Stage #7: Clarifying feelings and emotions

This stage is closely linked to the stage of depression. By gaining clarity to feelings and emotions, men are automatically working through other core issues that have plagued them for years. The more people process their feelings, the more they step out of depression. This is a wonderful, struggling, confusing, and insightful stage that helps men to come in contact with the hurt inner child they left behind. Grieving losses from the past helps facilitate learning that will help people grieve present day losses as they occur. Many men have not learned to acknowledge or identify the wide range of feelings and emotions that we all experience. This growing period usually requires help from someone outside their present environment, possibly individual counselling or a support group. Clarifying feelings and emotions is an integral part of the healing process, but it is especially useful when stepping out of depression and into the next stage.

Stage #8: Regrouping

Although all stages are important, this is the phase that entails a lot of hope. Regrouping is a transforming stage, where people start learning to trust appropriately, and most importantly, they learn to trust themselves. They are developing skills to assist them in getting their needs met in a healthy fashion. By taking responsibility for their lives they feel empowered, with enhanced feelings of self worth.

People have worked very hard to get to this point and are starting to like the new person they have become. They are learning to find their own voice. A voice that is able to speak their truth. In the previous stages, group members would characterize themselves as existing and not living. This stage is a time when the search for meaning is fuelled by a desire to live life. Many victims do not plan for a future because they never thought there would be one; others expected to die young. Regrouping includes putting joy into the journeys.

Redefining friendships leads to improved intimacy and love. Loneliness is converted into enjoying their own company and being comfortable with themselves. This great stage opens a person up to a new world full of opportunity.

The next stage is a process that many people are hesitant to talk about, but from my experience, when some people reach this point; their recovery seems to take off at a speed that can only be called miraculous.

Stage #9: Spirituality

As many people grow and mature through the stages, they get a sense of power within themselves that is also greater than them self. Some group members say it is like describing the indescribable. A sense of inner peace is connected to what can be viewed as "true reality." They talk about an emptiness lifting, and they feel they will never feel alone again. This spiritual connection is often viewed as unconditional love and acceptance.

Some men have concerns that others are more advanced in their spiritual beliefs than they are. Where people are spiritually, at any given point in time, is exactly where they should be. Spirituality is an individual, experiential journey that develops over time. It is a process, and as people work through their recovery, their views on spirituality often change. A person does not have to be spiritual to heal. RYHSR groups are based on the principle that people have the right to establish their own spirituality and beliefs.

Men often talk about the healing powers of forgiveness at this stage. People do not have to forgive the abuser in order to heal, but it is important to forgive yourself. For a more in-depth look at forgiveness, please read the chapter on spirituality.

People who have travelled this far have fought a long, strenuous, rewarding journey. Finally it is time to enter the last stage.

Stage #10: Moving on

This stage includes the rest of their lives. It would be unfair to think people become "home free" and will never feel vulnerable again. In fact, many men go back and refine some of the stages at some time in their lives. How someone views their abusive experience changes from a subjective experience to an objective experience. The thought process becomes more objective than subjective. They have memories that exist independently of painful feelings and emotions.

This stage is a much more comfortable place, which includes deep and lasting changes with a sense of stability. If people seek help to improve their connection with themselves, others, and the world they live in, then moving-on must include maintaining the connections they desire.

Find More HERE