Silence, Rebellion, Legacy

 

Each morning I wake in a body that feels older than its years. My joints are swollen, my eyes and mouth dry, my skin aching with the fire of vasculitis and the heat of cellulitis. Layered over it all are the familiar companions of C-PTSD, depression, and chronic pain. Some days even standing upright feels like a rebellion.

And yet, I am grateful. I give thanks for another proper diagnosis after so many years of guessing and disbelief. Too many times I have been misdiagnosed, too many times dismissed when I tried to describe my symptoms. To finally be seen and heard by a doctor is itself a kind of mercy.

I hold close the day itself, for the chance to walk into it, however faltering. I give thanks for the small mercies: a flower opening in the garden, the harvest gathered from earth, the warmth of tea in my hands.

I remember another rebellion. In 2012, I wrote my first book. That book was not born from ease or leisure but from fury - from years of being silenced, dismissed, ignored. It was my way of speaking when silence had nearly crushed me. Before that, there had been my blog, the first place where words felt safe to land.

Then life and pain returned with their heavy hand, and silence came again. Years where words slowed to a trickle, where I feared I might lose my voice forever. Much of what I endured from 2015 onwards I have already spoken of in Phoenix Warriors. In that book I shared not only the weight of those years but also the small, steady techniques I used to survive each day, week, and year. Simple practices like keeping a journal beside my bed to empty my mind before sleep, stepping into the garden to breathe among herbs even when I could barely stand, or breaking time into tiny tasks that could be done without shame or hurry. These small acts were my lifelines, threads that held me when everything else seemed to unravel.

But now, I write more than ever. Books, poems, lyrics, music. Words spill out like a river breaking through stone. I write not only for today but for tomorrow, not only for myself but for those who may one day wonder who I was. I write to leave a trace, a cairn of words on the hillside of memory.

Silence did not have the last word. Rebellion gave me breath again. And legacy - that is what I build each day, word by word, even in the midst of pain.

I do not know what the future holds. There is less uncertainty now than there once was, yet still I wait on new test results, this time for an abdominal mass. It could be anything, and the waiting is its own trial. I only want to know. Whatever the answer, I remind myself that I have faced much worse and I am still here. That knowledge steadies me, a quiet strength beneath the fear. And still, even in the waiting, I find gratitude - for the garden, for words, for the chance to wake each day and call it mine. Hope remains a companion, soft but steady, reminding me that whatever comes, I will meet it with the same resilience that has carried me this far.

Some might question why I release music alongside words. The truth is simple: the melodies and the words are mine, even if the voice is not. There are those who grow angry about the use of computers and AI to shape song, but I am not trying to copy anyone. Nobody else has lived my life, endured what I endured, or carried these stories in their bones. I survived a great deal. Words were always my first escape, then music. Nobody but me could write my experiences into song or poetry, and no machine can invent that. It comes from me, and only me.

There are many ways I bring these words and thoughts into being, especially on days when pain makes writing by hand impossible. I use voice memos, speech-to-text tools, and even modern assistants like Alexa etc to capture fragments before they fade. Sometimes an image sparks a phrase, sometimes a melody catches hold of a memory. Whatever the method, each tool helps ease the passage of thought into words, into music, into presence. Sometimes I record lines while lying in bed in the dark, whispering them into my phone before sleep. Other times I hum a tune into a microphone so I will not forget it by morning. These fragments become seeds, gathered and shaped later when my hands and strength allow.

I once played on a music keyboard too, but my joints no longer let me. Still, the memory of those keys under my fingers reminds me that melody will always find another path, whether through voice, technology, or the quiet hum of persistence.

This is my way of leaving a legacy, in every form I can: on the page, in the garden, in melody. However it is carried into the world, it is still my voice, my truth, my survival written into sound and story.

May these words, and the life they carry, remind you that survival can still flower into song.

I wish my brain had a delete button.. #childabuse #memories

Trauma memories can surface at any time. Personally I have found that when under extreme stress in daily life, I am more likely to have flashbacks and the simplest thing can trigger a memory. Thankfully I have learnt techniques that keep me safe and grounded most of the time.

Recovery from child abuse trauma and the frequently ensuing PTSD and other after affects means that we have to face our demons and relive much of the trauma in order to deal with it in a safe manner and reduce or stop it's impact on our lives today.

I find writing to be incredibly therapeutic. By writing out the memories I seem able to take away much of their power. One memory I have not shared before. The abuse I endured was varied in nature. There was sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse and also combinations of the three. 

As a child my feel turned in quite badly. I also spoke far too fast for most people to understand me (apart from when I was in full on stutter mode)..

Grandfather kept an old polio leg caliper in his workshop. At his whim I had to wear it. It had belonged to a cousin of his who had lived with my grandparents for a number of years. His brother, a Calvinistic Minister, had suggested to him to use it on me during one of our visits to see him to give me my "spiritual lessons".. The caliper fitted badly and rubbed harshly against my skin. I would only be wearing underpants (or less) and he would make me walk around wearing the contraption. Sometimes he took his "game" further and in the interests of not triggering others I will say no more about what these events led to. He simply delighted in humiliating me. 

Life has had some very stressful moments recently and since yesterday I have been able to feel the caliper rubbing against my leg and causing me to limp a lot of the time. The pain is real. The body often remembers things that our brain hides from our consciousness. I hope that by sharing this I will be able to minimise the discomfort and also shelve the memories where they belong - firmly in the past.

This is not the actual one used but similar enough to illustrate my point.

A Time Of Reflection

I've been feeling contemplative over the last day or so. Looking back at old photos of myself it's obvious to me at which times I was at war with myself, when I was in pain and the few times when I was happy.  Then there are big gaps where I'd refuse to have my photo taken, or I'd destroy them.  The eyes reveal most and then the smile, or lack thereof.  I tended to smile with lips closed from late 20s onwards. I was conscious of my teeth being crooked and some missing. 

Many of the photos I have no recollection of being taken at all. My eyes haunt me in several.  I seem like a broken puppet. No control or spark of life in them at all. Now I know why.

I don't trust easily, I don't open up easily. I am wary of being used or hurt. Writing this blog took a huge leap of faith and a load of courage.

I have had to disassemble myself, to totally lose control of everything, before I could start to reassemble and in so doing take control of my own destiny. I'll never be who I should have been gad my life not been blighted. I think I'll be better, stronger and far more empathic. I will reach out and touch other lives with kindness and compassion. 

I also found more filled writing books. Scribbles, poems, stories, song ideas etc etc. I shall take a good look through those this holiday weekend. 

I have been chatting about dreams and the like with someone very close to me. I don't recall most, but some have repeated so often over the decades that I know them inside out. They normally repeat once or twice a year at most. This last fortnight I've been swamped by them.

I feel something in the air, some big event is going to happen in the next year or so. I know I've posted about changes etc recently, but this is something very different. This goes very very deep on all levels. 

My co-author has given me a deadline to get our book finished by too. I'm up for the challenge Donna! 

I don't do this as often as I should.. Thank you for following this humble blog and for taking the time to read, comment and then share its content on social media. 

Wishing you all a good holiday weekend, whichever path you walk. 

Make Positive Changes #childabuse #survivors

A great deal of the healing process is about making changes. Changes to how we think, changes to how we respond to various stimuli, changes as to how we perceive ourselves. Some people will no doubt think "why should I change!? I didn't do anything wrong!" Well... By changing even small things in our lives we can start an avalanche of positive change that could benefit all aspects of our lives.

As with any form of therapy, it works much better if you want it too. Acceptance of the fact that you need help is a huge step. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. So come on. start to make some changes. Be your own hero!

What follows is just a list of ideas, obvious ones mostly that you could have thought of yourself, but that I hope are useful reminders. We all need reminders sometimes. If you find this useful, print it out, and start using it. Today.

Love. Perhaps the most important. Fall in love, if you aren't already. If you have one, fall in love with your partner all over again. Abandon caution and let your heart be broken. Love family members, friends, anyone it doesn't have to be romantic love. Love all of humanity, one person at a time. Most importantly. LOVE YOURSELF.

Get outside. Don't let yourself be shut indoors. Go out when it's raining. Walk on the beach, through the woods. Swim in a freezing lake. Bask in the sun. Play sports, or walk barefoot through grass. Walk your dogs, anything that gets you outside into the fresh air. Pay close attention to nature, she can be very soothing if you just sit quietly and watch.

Savour food. Don't just eat your food, but really enjoy it. Feel the texture, the bursts of flavours. Savour every bite. If you limit your intake of sweets, it will make the small treats you give yourself even more enjoyable. And when you do have them, really, really savour them. Slowly.

Create a morning ritual. Wake early and meet the day head on. Watch the sun rise. Out loud, tell yourself that you will not waste this day, which is a gift. You will be compassionate to your fellow human beings, and live every moment to its fullest. Stretch or meditate or exercise as part of your ritual.

Take chances. We often live our lives too cautiously, worried about what might go wrong. Be bold, risk it all. Quit your job and go to business for yourself (plan it out first!), or go up to that girl/guy you've liked for a long time and ask them  out. What do you have to lose?

Follow excitement. Try to find the things in life that excite and thrill you, and then go after them. Make life one exciting adventure after another (with some quiet times in between in order to recharge and appreciate all that you are becoming).

Find your passion. Similar to the above tip, this one asks you to find your calling. Make your living by doing the thing you love to do. First, think about what you really love to do. There may be many things. Find out how you can make a living doing it. It may be difficult, but you only live once. Who wants to be stuck in a job that is merely a means to an end.

Get off your backside! Do you sit all day in front of computer, shuffling papers and taking phone calls and chatting on the Internet? Don't waste your days like this. Break free from the cubicle environment, and do your work on a laptop, in a coffee shop, or on a boat, or in a log cabin. This may require a change of jobs, or becoming a freelancer. It's worth it.

Turn off the TV. How many hours will we waste away in front of the tube? How many hours do we have to live? Do the math, then unplug the TV. Only plug it back in when you have a DVD of a movie you love. Otherwise, keep it off and find other stuff to do. Don't know what to do? Read further.

Pull away from online life. It is just more wasting away of your precious time. You cannot get these minutes back. Unplug the Internet, then get out of your office or house. Right now! And go and do something.

Travel. Sure, you want to travel some day. When you have holiday time, or when you're older. Well, what are you waiting for? Find a way to take a trip, if not this month, then sometime soon. You may need to make some cutbacks. You are too young to not see the world, no matter how old you think you are. Age is a matter of mind over matter! If need be, find a way to make a living by freelancing, then work while you travel. Only work an hour or two a day. Don't check email but once a week. Then use the rest of the time to see the world.

Rediscover what's important. Take an hour and make a list of everything that's important to you. Add to it everything that you want to do in life. Now cut that list down to 4-5 things. Just the most important things in your life. This is your core list. This is what matters. Focus your life on these things. Make time for them.

Eliminate everything else. What's going on in your life that's not on that short list? All that stuff is wasting your time, pulling your attention from what's important. As much as possible, simplify your life by eliminating the stuff that's not on your short list, or minimizing it. We all spend time on inconsequential activities. They are wasting your life.

Exercise. Get off the couch and go for a walk. Eventually try running. Or do some push ups and crunches. Or swim or bike or row. Or go for a hike. Whatever you do, get active, and you'll love it. Get your blood pumping and you will feel more alive.

Be positive. Learn to recognize the negative thoughts you have. These are the self-doubts, the criticisms of others, the complaints, the reasons you can't do something. Then stop yourself when you have these thoughts, and replace them with positive thoughts. Solutions. You can do this! Your opinion is really the only one that matters.

Open your heart. Is your heart a closed bundle of scar tissue? Learn to open it, have it ready to receive love, to give love unconditionally. If you have a problem with this, talk to someone about it. And practice makes perfect.

Kiss in the rain. Seize the moment and be romantic. Raining outside? Grab your lover and give him/her a passionate kiss. Driving home? Stop the car and pick some wildflowers. Send him/her a love note. Dress sexy for him/her.

Face your fears. What are you most afraid of? What is holding you back? Whatever it is, recognize it, and face it. Do what you are most afraid of. Afraid of heights? Go to the tallest building, and look down over the edge. Only by facing our fears can we be free of them.

When you suffer, suffer. Life isn't all about fun and games. Suffering is an inevitable part of life. We lose our jobs. We lose our lovers. We lose our pets. We get physically injured or sick. A loved one becomes sick. A parent dies. Learn to feel the pain intensely, and really grieve. This is a part of life, really feel the pain. And when you're done, move on, and find joy. Don’t let the pain fester and invade other areas of your life.

Slow down. Life moves along at such a rapid pace these days. It's not healthy, and it's not conducive to living. Practice doing everything slowly, everything, from eating to walking to driving to working to reading. Enjoy what you do. Learn to move at a snail's pace.

Volunteer. Help at homeless soup kitchens. Learn compassion, and learn to help ease the suffering of others. Help the sick, those with disabilities, those who are dying.

Play with children. Children, more than anyone else, know how to live. They experience everything in the moment, fully. When they get hurt, they really cry. When they play, they really have fun. Learn from them, instead of thinking you know so much more than them. Play with them, and learn to be joyful like them.

Talk to old people. There is no one wiser, more experienced, more learned, than those who have lived through life. They can tell you amazing stories. Give you advice on making a marriage last or staying out of debt. Tell you about their regrets, so you can learn from them and avoid the same mistakes. They are the wisdom of our society, take advantage of their existence while they're still around.

Learn new skills. Constantly improve yourself instead of standing still, not because you're so imperfect now, but because it is gratifying and satisfying. You should accept yourself as you are, and learn to love who you are, but still try to improve, if only because the process of improvement is life itself.

Find spirituality. For some, this means finding God or Jesus or Allah or Buddha. For others, this means becoming in tune with the spirits of our ancestors, or with nature. For still others, this just means an inner energy. Whatever spirituality means for you, rediscover it, and its power.

Take mini-retirements. Don't leave the joy of retirement until you are too old to enjoy it. Do it now, while you're young. It makes working that much more worth it. Find ways to take a year off every few years. Save up, sell your home, your possessions, and travel. Live simply, but live, without having to work. Enjoy life, then go back to work and save up enough money to do it again in a couple of years.

Do nothing. Despite the tip above that we should find excitement, there is value in doing nothing as well. Not doing nothing as in reading, or taking a nap, or watching TV, or meditating. Doing nothing as in sitting there, doing nothing. Just learning to be still, in silence, to hear our inner voice, to be in tune with life. Do this daily if possible.

Stop playing video games. They might be fun, but they can take up way too much time. If you spend a lot of time playing online games, or computer solitaire, or Wii or Gameboy or whatever, consider going a week without it. Then find something else to do, outside.


Watch sunsets. One of the most beautiful times of day. Make it a ritual to find a good spot to watch the sunset, perhaps having a light dinner while you do so.

Break out from ruts. Do you do things the same way every day? Change it up. Try something new. Take a different route to work. Start your day out differently. Approach work from a new angle. Look at things from new perspectives.

Laugh till you cry. Laughing is one of the best ways to live. Tell jokes and laugh your head off. Watch an awesome comedy. Learn to laugh at anything. Roll on the ground laughing. You'll love it.

Lose control. Not only control over yourself, but control over others. It's a bad habit to try to control others, it will only lead to stress and unhappiness for yourself and those you try to control. Let others live, and live for yourself. And lose control of yourself now and then too.

Cry. Men, especially, tend to hold in our tears, but crying is an amazing release. Cry at sad movies. Cry at a funeral. Cry when you are hurt, or when somebody you love is hurt. It releases these emotions and allows us to cleanse ourselves.

Try something new, every week. Ask yourself: "What new thing shall I try this week?" Then be sure to do it. You don't have to learn a new language in one week, but seek new experiences. Give it a try. You might decide you want to keep it in your life.

Be in the moment. Instead of thinking about things you need to do, or things that have happened to you, or worrying or planning or regretting, think about what you are doing, right now. What is around you? What smells and sounds and sights and feelings are you experiencing? Learn to do this as much as possible through meditation, but also through bringing your focus back to the present as much as you can in everything you do.

Finally....