Thursday, 12 November 2015
I wish my brain had a delete button.. #childabuse #memories
Trauma memories can surface at any time. Personally I have found that when under extreme stress in daily life, I am more likely to have flashbacks and the simplest thing can trigger a memory. Thankfully I have learnt techniques that keep me safe and grounded most of the time.
Recovery from child abuse trauma and the frequently ensuing PTSD and other after affects means that we have to face our demons and relive much of the trauma in order to deal with it in a safe manner and reduce or stop it's impact on our lives today.
I find writing to be incredibly therapeutic. By writing out the memories I seem able to take away much of their power. One memory I have not shared before. The abuse I endured was varied in nature. There was sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse and also combinations of the three.
Grandfather kept an old polio leg caliper in his workshop. At his whim I had to wear it. It had belonged to a cousin of his who had lived with my grandparents for a number of years. It fitted badly and rubbed harshly against my skin. I would only be wearing underpants (or less) and he would make me walk around wearing the contraption. Sometimes he took his "game" further and in the interests of not triggering others I will say no more about what these events led to. He simply delighted in humiliating me.
Life has had some very stressful moments recently and since yesterday I have been able to feel the caliper rubbing against my leg and causing me to limp a lot of the time. The pain is real. The body often remembers things that our brain hides from our consciousness. I hope that by sharing this I will be able to minimise the discomfort and also shelve the memories where they belong - firmly in the past.