Friday, 3 April 2015

A Time Of Reflection

I've been feeling contemplative over the last day or so. Looking back at old photos of myself it's obvious to me at which times I was at war with myself, when I was in pain and the few times when I was happy.  Then there are big gaps where I'd refuse to have my photo taken, or I'd destroy them.  The eyes reveal most and then the smile, or lack thereof.  I tended to smile with lips closed from late 20s onwards. I was conscious of my teeth being crooked and some missing. 

Many of the photos I have no recollection of being taken at all. My eyes haunt me in several.  I seem like a broken puppet. No control or spark of life in them at all. Now I know why.

I don't trust easily, I don't open up easily. I am wary of being used or hurt. Writing this blog took a huge leap of faith and a load of courage.

I have had to disassemble myself, to totally lose control of everything, before I could start to reassemble and in so doing take control of my own destiny. I'll never be who I should have been gad my life not been blighted. I think I'll be better, stronger and far more empathic. I will reach out and touch other lives with kindness and compassion. 

I also found more filled writing books. Scribbles, poems, stories, song ideas etc etc. I shall take a good look through those this holiday weekend. 

I have been chatting about dreams and the like with someone very close to me. I don't recall most, but some have repeated so often over the decades that I know them inside out. They normally repeat once or twice a year at most. This last fortnight I've been swamped by them.

I feel something in the air, some big event is going to happen in the next year or so. I know I've posted about changes etc recently, but this is something very different. This goes very very deep on all levels. 

My co-author has given me a deadline to get our book finished by too. I'm up for the challenge Donna! 

I don't do this as often as I should.. Thank you for following this humble blog and for taking the time to read, comment and then share its content on social media. 

Wishing you all a good holiday weekend, whichever path you walk. 

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