Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Hayatimin buyuk bir bolumunu diger insanlarin ihtiyaclarini kendi uzerimden karsilamalariyla gecirdim.



BEN bir erkegim geride kalan çocukluğum da cinsel taciz kurbaniyim. Benim büyükbabam beni hem cinsel hem fiziksel ve duygusal yonden 12 yildan fazla taciz etti.Hem o hem de davet ettigi dostları ve diğer aile üyeleri aynısını yapti.Ben cok kucukken benim anne ve babam hayatini kaybetti. Kızkardeşim de fiziksel ve duygusal art niyetli beni taciz etti. Bir cok insan beni yetiskin yasimda bile cinsel yonden kullanmaya calisti bir cogu benim arkadas, dost ve ailem zannettim insanlardi.


Hayatimin buyuk bir bolumunu diger insanlarin ihtiyaclarini kendi uzerimden karsilamalariyla gecirdim. Bu bana cok pahaliya mal oldu.
Bu durumdan biktim ve onlara karsi savasiyorum. Ben artik mutlu olmayi istiyorum ve bunu cokdan hakkettigimi dusunuyorum.


I am a male survivor of childhood sexual abuse. My grandfather sexually, physically and emotionally abused me for over twelve years. He invited his friends and other family members to do the same. Both my parents died when I was young. My sister was also physically and emotionally abusive towards me. My life was a living nightmare.

Many others have tried to use and abuse me in my adult life. These include people I thought were friends, colleagues and again family. I have spent my life looking after the needs of others above my own needs. This too has cost me a very high price.

I have had enough. I am fighting back. I want and deserve happiness in my life.



CHILD ABUSE--DREAMCATCHERS FOR ABUSED CHILDREN


CHILD ABUSE SURVIVOR PROJECT

Have you been forced to "keep the secret?" Have you been told that the child abuse you suffered through "didn't happen" or "wasn't that bad?"
Every 10 SECONDS a young child is reported being brutally raped, sodomized, beaten, abused, assaulted or neglected in America--80% by their own parents!
Today, there are over 600 MILLION child abuse survivors with 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys being sexually assaulted before the age of 18.
These survivors were just children, alone, tortured, filled with fear and scared to speak out--until now.



THE CHILD ABUSE SURVIVOR PROJECT is a 'shocking' journal filled with over 40,480 words of raw, emotional real-life stories of real-life abuse which details personal acts of EXTREME mental, physical and sexual childhood abuse. It honors the strength, spirit and courage of these survivors by empowering them to speak out against their abusers and validates their heroic resilience to the abuse they suffered. This non-fiction completed manuscript is a community social action project intended to help everyone understand child abuse & neglect and the overwhelming impact it has on ones life.

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take

He broke my trust
He tore me apart
I screamed inside
I hurt
I cried
I begged

Now I lay me down to sleep
I ask the Lord my soul to keep
For I must die, no more to wake
More of this I cannot take.

Tuesday, 28 February 2012

FINAL DREAMCATCHER PRESENTATION


Cycles of Abuse - Stop Whispering @triciagirl62

Please view this video and support survivors of abuse who choose to speak out. It is important to bring these subjects to the forefront of society; we need to accept and talk about these crimes!!!! If you are a survivor or know someone who is then you know the scars it leaves behind; the forced silence that destroys us. In this video and in the book "My Justice" I talk about my abuse and how those scars have effected every aspect of my life. The scars that have caused chaos and disruption in my children's lives. Please watch this video, join Stop Whispering at causes.com/Stop Whispering and read the details of the horrific abuse I suffered in the newly published novel "My Justice", which is available through amazon, barne's & noble; authorhouse.com and also listed in google books. It is up to us to change the lives of our children and grandchildren. Thank you!!!

Monday, 27 February 2012

Don't Ignore The Warning Signs of Child Abuse


Warning signs of emotional abuse in children

Excessively withdrawn, fearful, or anxious about doing something wrong.
Shows extremes in behavior (extremely compliant or extremely demanding; extremely passive or extremely aggressive).
Doesn’t seem to be attached to the parent or caregiver.
Acts either inappropriately adult (taking care of other children) or inappropriately infantile (rocking, thumb-sucking, tantruming).

Warning signs of physical abuse in children

Frequent injuries or unexplained bruises, welts, or cuts.
Is always watchful and “on alert,” as if waiting for something bad to happen.
Injuries appear to have a pattern such as marks from a hand or belt.
Shies away from touch, flinches at sudden movements, or seems afraid to go home.
Wears inappropriate clothing to cover up injuries, such as long-sleeved shirts on hot days.

Warning signs of neglect in children

Clothes are ill-fitting, filthy, or inappropriate for the weather.
Hygiene is consistently bad (unbathed, matted and unwashed hair, noticeable body odor).
Untreated illnesses and physical injuries.
Is frequently unsupervised or left alone or allowed to play in unsafe situations and environments.
Is frequently late or missing from school.

Warning signs of sexual abuse in children

Trouble walking or sitting.
Displays knowledge or interest in sexual acts inappropriate to his or her age, or even seductive behavior.
Makes strong efforts to avoid a specific person, without an obvious reason.
Doesn’t want to change clothes in front of others or participate in physical activities.
An STD or pregnancy, especially under the age of 14.
Runs away from home.






Reporting child abuse and neglect

If you suspect a child is being abused, it’s critical to get them the help he or she needs. Reporting child abuse seems so official. Many people are reluctant to get involved in other families’ lives.

Understanding some of the myths behind reporting may help put your mind at ease if you need to report child abuse

I don’t want to interfere in someone else’s family.

The effects of child abuse are lifelong, affecting future relationships, self-esteem, and sadly putting even more children at risk of abuse as the cycle continues. Help break the cycle of child abuse.

What if I break up someone’s home?

The priority in child protective services is keeping children in the home. A child abuse report does not mean a child is automatically removed from the home - unless the child is clearly in danger. Support such as parenting classes, anger management or other resources may be offered first to parents if safe for the child.

They will know it was me who called.

Reporting is anonymous. In most countries, you do not have to give your name when you report child abuse. The child abuser cannot find out who made the report of child abuse.

It won’t make a difference what I have to say.

If you have a gut feeling that something is wrong, it is better to be safe than sorry. Even if you don’t see the whole picture, others may have noticed as well, and a pattern can help identify child abuse that might have otherwise slipped through the cracks.

Prisoner of the Past



Last week I was asked my by friend Dorian (@lessonsinbroken) to write a guest post for his own blog. I was honoured as the more people who read and understand about the effects of childhood sexual abuse the more chance is that they will be more vigilant in the future. The subject of male childhood sexual abuse still carries a stigma and few are prepared to stand up and talk about it. This must change in order that we may educate adults about the steps they can take to prevent, recognize and react responsibly to the reality of child sexual abuse. There is no shame in being the victim, the survivor. There is life after abuse. There is life after rape. It's up to us to ensure this life is filled with love and support and not merely an existence.

Prisoner of the past

Life behind invisible bars
No-one to let me out
Who is there to listen
No-one hears me shout.

I climbed the heights of insanity,
Almost drowned in a sea of despair
Imprisoned by childhood terrors
Live or die, I just didn't care

Used to wish for a window,
To slip through and fly away,
Freedom forever out of grasp,
For their sins I had to pay.

Prison walls built by a society,
Not even trying to understand
An eternity of pain in one lifetime
Shame stamped with a burning brand.

You ask how I've got this far,
With a slow fuse burning inside?
I did whatever I had to do,
Kept the secrets, played the ride.

Locked it all up inside me,
My own prison, my own hell.
One day soon it'll all come out,
From highest rooftops I will yell!

Original post here Lessons In Brokeness

Jan Frayne is a writer, a poet and a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. His first book, "Beyond Survivor" is to be released early summer 2012. He lives in Wales, in the U.K and has travelled extensively. He writes from the deepest corners of his heart and soul of the pain of the past and also of love in all it's forms. Having the internationally renowned poet and playwright Dylan Thomas in his ancestry has been an inspiration for him to bring the pain and suffering of dealing with sexual abuse out of the shadows. His goal is to empower all victims of childhood sexual abuse and adult rape with the knowledge that the shame and guilt is not theirs, it belongs firmly in the hands of the perpetrators and those that turn a blind eye to these crimes.

Sunday, 26 February 2012

The Wounded Warrior: Coming out of the Dark - Stand up and make your vo...

The Wounded Warrior: Coming out of the Dark - Stand up and make your vo...: I've been blogging in ernest for about eight months now. I'd started my blog a year earlier, more as a way of getting my thoughts down than ...

Hurt

Stars shiver
on the edge of elimination,

these nightwater histories
of ivory and architecture.

Cold bell, cold loops
of the counted blessings.

The ward's flowerbruised brightness,
the slow blossoms

of hurt.

Powerless at 3am

So this is how it comes:
in the dark of early morning
reaching for light that doesn't come
you look to the not glowing
alarm clock...
The darkness
is partially interrupted
by flashes of lightning that
shatter the shadows
throughout
the house, and you wonder
if you are alone
as you get up and make
for the kitchen...
You try another light and it doesn't come
but you have been up too long now
no point in sleep, you know what time it is
and no one else is here anyway, take out
a match and light a candle, leftover from Christmas
because the darkness is almost unbearable;
you cannot make out the colour of your own flesh,
and it helps to know you are here, anyway...
You know know what time it is,
and you are sitting in a room
listening to your whole world thunder
and crash, and to the sound
of him or her not snoring
in the bedroom, and watching
the whiteness of the lightning,
no longer spider-like, throw itself
out toward the black sky
like a fisherman's net, and
resurfacing with nothing...
And maybe, just maybe
one night that lightning
will go out once and come back;
catch those damn stars
and send you one or two to keep...
As long as they aren't the
same ones
that keep you up
counting wishes and stars
when there are no clouds out
and it's not raining.
Again powerless at 3am




Saturday, 25 February 2012

In Your Eyes

Most it seems are content
to engage in small talk
a verbal banter
like fighters in a contest
dancing around the ring
for a prize
that for the most part
is measured in bruises.
Though, if one explores
the depth of conversation
beyond the fringe areas
and past the fences
we build around our existence,
there lie treasures
that defy the imagination.
On one such journey
I happened to discover
in the tone of your voice
the pain of your eyes
and felt your hurt
in my heart.


A Life In Shadows

I've lived my life in shadow,
hiding from the light
Day by day I made it through,
knowing I must fight.

There were times I lay in gutters,
feeling lower than the low
Just surviving took it's toll on me.
I took it blow by blow.

They did their best to keep me down,
They turned my day to night.
Though I knew the rules to life,
I broke them just the same.

I walked the streets without a home,
Sold my soul for a bed, for the night.
I drank myself into blissful oblivion,
There was no lower to fall.

I had no-one to help me,
I crawled back into life alone.
My body, bruised and broken,
My Mind fractured and displaced.

There were times I fell apart,
times I just sat and cried,
But there were days that I stood tall,
of that I do take pride.

No matter how dark my night,
a light glowed deep inside.
Now I stand tall, I won't give up,
the light spreads far and wide.

Friday, 24 February 2012

Complications

This world has turned
too complicated,
and we hardly seem able
to do things that matter
in simple, beautiful, ways.
There are a million customs,
thousands of possible rituals,
endless unfathomable mixtures
of customary practices,
merged, evolved, melded,
in infinitely complicated ways,
as chaotic patterns,
that defy proper response,
defy reasonable prediction
as to course of action.
The world has turned
too complicated
and we hardly seem able
to do things that matter
in simple, beautiful, ways,
and that is part of the reason
why it is so difficult
to find even on effective way
to say to a beloved other,
that one truly loves,
for it always seems lost
in the noise of it all,
among customary practices,
among a million rituals,
an endless compilation
of complications,
until it is the hardest thing
to find one effective way
to say to a beloved other,
that one truly loves,
the hardest thing to say
I love you, truly I love you,
and find one has response
that is simple, beautiful,
instead of all lost
in the endless dark abyss
of human culture
with its confrontations,
its meldings, mergings,
its confoundings,
its compoundings
of conflicted ways,
and what now do I do
to tell my beloved other
that I love you,
when a world turns
ever so complicated
that hardly anything is heard
and ever less is believed
of anything as can be said
in simple, beautiful ways?
My beloved, tell me,
what can I do,
what can I say,
how might I convince you
in simple, beautiful ways?



Tuesday, 21 February 2012

Mon Amour

Quotidiennement je pense à la façon dont nous sommes éloignés,
Mais de quelque façon que ce soit, vous serez toujours dans mon coeur.
Mon amour pour vous ne peut être expliqué,
Mais cet est amour que j'ai finalement gagné
Un jour sans entendre vos pensées semble durer toujours
Ne vous inquiétez pas, je ne vous laisserai ni maintenant ni jamais.
Avez-vous jamais eu un sentiment profond de crainte?
Avec vous autour, aucune pensée de ce genre ne surgit dans ma tête.
Bien que vous soyez vraiment loin, si loin,
Je ne puis m'empêcher de penser à vous chaque seconde du jour.
Je ne veux jamais que vous oubliiez, que je serai toujours là en esprit
Vous voyez une étoile en chute qui est moi, envoyant mon amour de loin
Je vous aime trop pour rester loin, je serai présent dans votre coeur chaque jour,
La seule chose que je désire, dans l'univers tout entier, est d'être avec vous pour toujours,
pour le meilleur et pour le pire
Je ne l'ai jamais ressenti pour personne avant.
Je ne pourrai pas demander plus que d'être avec vous
Sans vous près de moi je deviendrais fou
Je dois être dans vos bras, là, je ne ressens plus de douleur




Every day I think about how we are distant,
But any way whatsoever, you will always be in my heart.
My love for you can not be explained,
But is this love that I finally won
A day without hearing your thoughts seem to last forever
Do not worry, I will not leave you now or ever.
Have you ever had a deep sense of fear?
With you around, no thoughts of this kind arises in my head.
Although you are really far, so far,
I can not help but think of you every second of the day.
I never want you to forget, I'll be there in spirit
You see a falling star that's me, sending my love from afar
I love you too much to stay away, I will be in your heart every day,
The only thing I desire, in the entire universe, is to be with you always,
for better or for worse
I've never felt for anyone before.
I can not ask more than to be with you
Without you near me I go crazy
I must be in your arms, then I do not feel pain

Male Survivors of child sexual abuse/Boys and Men Healing Film Excerpts

www.bigvoicepictures.com



10 min excerpts from Boys and Men Healing documentary, an independent film about the sexual abuse of boys, the impact on both the individual and society, and the importance of healing and breaking silence to end the devastating effects of child sexual abuse. The film portrays courageous non-offending men whose arduous healing helped them reclaim their lives--while giving them a powerful voice to speak out, and take bold action toward the prevention of other boys. Boys and Men Healing is produced by Big Voice Pictures.

"Emotionally Powerfu!l"
Matthew Mendel, Ph.D.
Psychologist, Author of The Male Survivor: Impact of Sexual Abuse

"An Excellent Film!"
Ernesto Mujica, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychologist and Psychoanalyst
NYSPA Division of Psychoanalysis

"Will have a profound effect!"
Eileen King, Regional Director
Justice for Children

"Extraordinarily touching and brave!"
Alex Bottinelli, Resource Coordinator
Vermont Network Against Domestic and Sexual Violence
For More Information and to Order your DVD visit:
www.bigvoicepictures.com



Monday, 20 February 2012

Male Childhood Sexual Abuse - Healing Broken Men - Video

"Healing Broken Men is a ministry where male survivors of childhood sexual abuse can integrate faith with the healing journey. As a male survivor of CSA it was devastatingly difficult to find help and resources in the Christian community. In seeking for help often more guilt and shame were added. Therefore, I wanted to create a safe environment and place for men be to accepted, loved and guided through the healing process while keeping their faith in tact." Thomas Edward (www.healingbrokenmen.com)


Sunday, 19 February 2012

Through A Child's Eyes: The Shame & Guilt of Sexual Abuse

Through Child's Eyes is a video about the shame and guilt the victims of sexual abuse, molestation and sexual trauma very often experience. Why do they feel shame and guilt when they did nothing wrong? The answer lies in the unique child's eye view of the world. Victims can learn that they are not to blame, and that there is hope, that they can get better.

This video is presented as a public service by Prof. K. Elan Jung, MD, author of the new book Sexual Trauma: A Challenge Not Insanity, A Revolutionary Approach To Treatment & Recovery From Sexual Abuse and PTSD, and www.sexualabusesolution.com. ,

The book, Sexual Trauma: A Challenge Not Insanity, A Revolutionary Approach To Treatment & Recovery From Sexual Abuse and PTSD, by Prof. K. Elan Jung, MD. is a revolutionary revisioning of the impact and treatment of sexual abuse, molestation and sexual trauma that gives new hope to the survivors of sexual abuse and trauma. Survivors, family members or friends, practitioners, policy makers or simply interested readers will have their sense of themselves, or of the victims of sexual abuse, molestation and sexual trauma, transformed by this book. They learn about the many famous, creative, dynamic and powerful victims of sexual abuse, people who have transformed our world. They will also learn the hows and whys of the effects of sexual abuse, how trends in therapy have not worked to the benefit of sexual trauma victims, and a new revolutionary perspective on treating sexual abuse, molestation and sexual trauma.
Learn:
*About The Famous Victims of Sexual Trauma
*Why Sexual Trauma Transforms Its Victims
*How It Transforms Them
*How They Have Transformed Our World
*The How and Why of A New Therapeutic Approach

Saturday, 18 February 2012

Emotions


Do nothing
about it,
express nothing
about it,
bottle it up,
tight,
use up
the energy
to keep it in,
all inside,
don't say anything
about it,
what you don't know
about it,
don't explain it,
don't dream
about it,
everything
we could have been
to each other,
my love,
I feel
the same
as a shooting star
would feel
if it could feel anything
when it shoots
so bright and brief
its lifetime
across the sky
burning up
its short lifetime
within the span
of many millenia,
then disappearing
into the blackness
having once been
briefly glimpsed
as having been
what I was
when you lit up
my face
with a look
from your eyes,
now it seems
our eyes
cannot
ever touch again
and everything
seems utterly dark.

Friday, 17 February 2012

Thoughts At Sixty via @McGuireHimself

One of the things I find amazing about social media is the fact you can get to know people from all over. The internet has opened up the world, made possible social connections that would have been all but impossible before. Personally this is a life changing experience.

In my own journey, I have viewed much of life from the sidelines. I have two passions, writing and educating people about child abuse. This week my guest is writer Patrick McGuire.

Patrick McGuire is a writer of fiction, poetry, drama, and essays.

He has been teaching English at the University of Wisconsin-Parkside since 1986. He has received various teaching awards including the prestigious, career-achievement University of Wisconsin Regents’ Award for Excellence in Teaching. His university offerings include courses on specific authors–Chaucer, The Gawain Poet, Shakespeare, Jane Austen, W.B. Yeats, Wallace Stevens, Toni Morrison–as well as general ed. courses such as Intro to Literature, Intro to World Literature, Intro to Modern World Literature, American Literature to 1850, American Literature 1850-1920, American Literature 1920 to Present, British Poetry, British Literature to 1800, British Literature Since 1800, and Three Irish Poets: Yeats, Kavanagh and Heaney. He also has taught a panoply of writing courses: Developmental English, Composition and Reading, Advanced Composition and Advanced Composition for English Majors, Creative Writing: Fiction, Creative Writing: Poetry, and Playwrighting. He has also taught Intro to Language, History of the English Language, Modern English Grammar, and Grammar for Teachers and Writers.
He is married to Chicago theatre director Anna Antaramian. They have five children, all grown and mature and on their way to wonderful things

Please welcome Patrick to my blog.

A few days ago, I celebrated my sixtieth birthday: the Big 6 and 0. It is one of those milestones that gives one pause. Two things have been uppermost in my mind for the few weeks preceding this birthday. First, I have become keenly aware that I have lived more days now than I may expect to live in the future. Even with our advances in medicine and genetic engineering, I'm fairly sure that I do not want to have a one-hundred-and-twentieth birthday. And the second thing is that when I evaluate my life--the mix of disappointments and failures with the joys and successes--it has been a good life, but it has been a seemingly inconsequential life.




I believe in the idea that small actions ultimately have huge consequences. This idea is sometimes called Chaos Theory. I give my current students an example by telling them about a fellow graduate student at NYU asking me to share notes with him when he knew that he would miss next week's lecture. I did share them, and to thank me he suggested we have a cup of coffee at a nearby shop. His name was Josh, and we became friends and were friends all throughout graduate school. About four years after we met, Josh gave my name to the Chair of an English Department in Paterson, New Jersey. I got the job, and over time met a woman named Anna. Anna and I sometimes bumped in to each other on the commuter train between Paterson and NYC. And then eventually we discovered that each of us had let a train go by just to make sure we would bump in to each other again. Well, Anna eventually became the mother of my five children, and we have been happily married for more than 30 years. Anna, a native of Kenosha, Wisconsin, had moved to the Big Apple to pursue a career in theatre. We lived in Manhattan, but often vacationed in Kenosha. As the family grew, so did our need for space. We had four kids when we eventually returned to Kenosha to set up house. I got a position at the local university and Anna became a professor of theatre at a university in Chicago. I tell my students that I am their instructor simply because a man named Josh asked me to share my notes on Medieval English Literature.

This brings me back to my introspective birthday. I realize now that my inconsequential life will never end. I will die, but my influence on the universe will never end. I have affected, positively and negatively, thousands of students. Some I have made a real impression on; others have forgotten me and what I had to teach them two minutes after they left the final exam. Whatever I gave them became theirs; they became themselves, and their presence in their small world touched others, who in turned touched others.

What I say about my students is true of any other professions or jobs. People meet people and affect their lives. I was checking out at the grocery store recently, and one of the baggers came up and announced, "Oh, one of my favorites is here." I asked him what he meant, and he said, "You. You're one of my favorite customers." I didn't even know the kid knew of my existence or had taken any note of me. All of us affect those around us, and those effects continue on.







It sounds like I'm preaching IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE; I'm not. Life is hard and dangerous. We have disappointments and failures, as I said earlier. But I believe we are each of us immortal in the way I've described.

My immortality is most assured in the lives of my children. They are a wonderful mix of Anna and me. There was a pose my father unconsciously took whenever he read the newspaper at the kitchen table. He sat with one hand on the table and the other, the left, on his knee. His left thumb pointed inward on his thigh, and the other four fingers pointed down on the outside of his leg. One night many years ago, I discovered myself in the same position; more interestingly, however, about two weeks ago, I saw my youngest son in the same configuration.

That pose, that position, must go back in time. Perhaps my father saw his father reading that way. I know now that that pose, that position, is also going forward.

My children carry me into the future. We older folks perhaps teach our children about the past; we drag from our memories family stories--every family has its myths--and attitudes and recipes and gestures. And our children carry us and those stories and gestures into the future.

So, at sixty, I feel myself immortal. What about that mix of disappointments and failures with successes and joys? Well, this milestone birthday is a reminder that, if we had to live our days over, we would most likely make the same mistakes. I say that because the failures I regret most are the ones of character.
I contend that the life I have so far lived is the only life I could have lived. I am me, for better or worse. Luckily, I found a woman who accepts that, who knows when I am insensitive and who guides me in that moment so that I do not seem so. Luckily for me, my five children can utter with complete love and disapproval when I say something stupid, "Oh, Dad" or more ironical, "Oh, Papa." Luckily for me, I have a daughter-in-law who accepts how absurd and thick I can be. And hopefully, she and my son will raise their beautiful daughter to be patient to her grandfather.

The only real problem with being sixty is the disparity between mind and body. In my mind, I can still run like the fastest kid on the block. But when I call on my knees and ankles, they don't respond. I decided a year or two ago that I will never change a flat tire again. I don't shovel snow. And when I mow the grass, I ride rather than push.







One bodily change has suited me perfectly, however. With age and experience, I now can distinguish the difference between a fine whiskey and a great whiskey. Can it get any better than that?

(The photos are of me at 27, 43, and 58.)

I am Patrick McGuire.I teach writing and literature at the University of Wisconsin-Parkside. One can read my fiction and poetry (and my famous soup recipes) at http://mcguirehimself.com/or can follow me on Twitter @McGuireHimself

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

Mad Poet

Mad poet's disease took up into trees
fell from the rafters and tripped over laughter

Mad poet's salvation beyond frustration
took up into heaven's scrutiny division

Mad poet's disquise to write white hot lies
studying maps and falling in traps

Mad poet's mistake the harlequins make
terrible dyes under capricorn skies

Mad poet's discovery, life's red and rubbery
blue and bright green, just as it seems

Mad poet's posessions astute little lessons
hidden agendas for big spenders

Mad poet's discipline indelible medicine
an american dreamer on a cumberland steamer

Mad poet's rage tears up the page
rips down the walls & fires up the halls

Mad poet's depression inquisition'd confessions
not me, not today, some other way

Mad poet's decision, oracular fission
immovable object unstoppable subject

Mad poet's writings thunder or lightning
a bird in his heart sings a new part

Mad poet's lessons learned lived and lessened
nothing is real, everyone squeals

Mad poet's people good, God, and evil
wasted young lives brainwashed to strive

Mad poet's understanding knowledge is demanding
Power is useless in the face of a tempest

Mad poet's past, elaborately cast
Old skin is discarded, self sought and guarded

Mad poet's reasons the years all of seasons
Life will go on after we're gone

Mad poet's ending it was impossible blending
short lines and rhymes I succeeded this time?

A Book and its Cover

Will I remain forever unread

like a tired novel, forever trapped,

caught in a remainder store rut

never to be snuggled up with in bed

the cover staid, dull and uninviting,

keeping potential purchasers at bay,

the attention caught by brighter prospects

whose blurbs sound much more exciting

A quick ,cursory flick through the pages

reveals a shifting, uncertain artless polemic,

its dull prose prohibiting passion

Too many tired characters, trapped in cages

lacking a real sense of self

to make their own, to stake a persona


Yet most won't ever get this far, as the

gaudy paperback is lucky to get off the shelf

its young pages already torn without a touch

being bestowed upon their rough surface,

while the cover remains neat, prim and proper

the recommended price of nothing being to much

to tempt anyone's interest, an impossible task

any marketing consultant would refuse,

their astonishment clear in their incredulous grin

"No one would ever buy this, its too much to ask!"

The Vampire Myth About Sexual Abuse #AMSOSA

The following MYTH's need to broken down and exposed as false, as they are still widely believed.


MYTH: MALE SURVIVORS WILL GO ONTO SEXUALLY ABUSE OTHERS.


BULLSHIT!

Despite any so called statistics that say males sexually abused could go on to sexually their children or children they know, the figures FAIL to represent true male Survivors, who would NEVER sexually abuse children! If that myth was true, then surely every survivor, male and female, would be classed as abusers, yet it never thought that female survivors would abuse their children, so why is it thought that we, as males, would even consider sexually abusing our children?
Having worked with over 3,000 male survivors of sexual abuse, none of them would ever consider inflicting the same pain on another child and cause them the same pain.
Some pedosceles say they were sexually abused, but they ARE NOT survivors of sexual abuse.
One man arrested in Operation Ore, said he was searching child porn because his support group, for male survivors, had told him it would help! There is NOT a support group near him, yet it was given as evidence in court, and duly reported as fact in his local newspaper! I checked all support groups miles around him and no one had heard of him. Remember, pedoceles LIE!
Just because they say they were sexually abused themselves, it is taken as truth and rarely investigated, and is therefore seen and believed to be true!
It is not true!



MYTH: CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE IS A RARE OCCURRENCE.

Child sexual abuse happens every single day..year in, year out. Estimates vary, and are so often wrong, so double or even treble any numbers you may think, to reach what may be the right number of abuse cases.



MYTH: STRANGERS SHOULD BE WATCHED, AS THEY USUALLY ABUSE CHILDREN.

REALITY: 85% of children are sexually abused by someone they know, i.e. family members, relatives, neighbours and/or family friends. Sex offenders look for any chance and opportunity to sexually abuse children.


MYTH: THE CHILD ALWAYS FELT NEGATIVELY TOWARD HIS ABUSER.
REALITY: Not always the case. Sometimes, the abuser, male or female, is either a parent, brother, sister, or other close family member or perhaps in a position of trust.

  • Any abuse is damaging and confusing to a child because of the secrecy, shame, lies and isolation that follows. That creates an aura of secrecy, shame, lies, isolation and breach of trust, and creates immense confusion for the child




  • MYTH: SEXUAL ABUSE IS NON-VIOLENT, AND THEREFORE NON-DAMAGING.



  • REALITY: It is always damaging, and always destructive to the child.
    Children who are sexually abused are:




  • Denied a childhood,




  • Denied a loving, nurturing relationship of trust,




  • Exploited and betrayed by a person who is in a position of authority and trust.









  • MYTH: CHILDREN LIE ABOUT CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE.


    REALITY: Children do not have the explicit sexual knowledge necessary to describe a sexual event that they have not experienced. Children do not have the cognitive capacities to make up stories of sexual abuse. If children do lie about sexual abuse it would be to say that it did not occur, in order to protect the offender and/or the family unit.



    MYTH: CHILDREN ARE SEDUCTIVE.


    REALITY: Total Bullshit! It's just another way of trying to excuse the abusers behaviour and pass on the blame to a child. Sex offenders exploit a child's curiosity and his need for affection, and then blame the child !


    MYTH: CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE IS A ONE OR TWO TIME OCCURRENCE, INVOLVING A SINGLE CHILD.

    REALITY: Child sexual abuse typically goes on for quite some time before discovery. It is not confined to one child, but usually involves several children.
  • In the 2004 case in Plymouth, England, known as Operation Emotion (November 2004) William Goad was sentenced to life for abusing about 3,000 (thats three thousand!) boys over a period of years.
    Goad had a history of sexually abusing boys stretching back to the 1960s, and once boasted that he had abused over 140 boys in a year.
    I've had the honour of meeting just a few of the brave men who stood up and went to court, and I am proud of them for taking that stand and getting some form of justice.




  • MYTH: IT IS BETTER NOT TO TALK ABOUT CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE - EASIER JUST TO FORGET.



  • REALITY: It it was that easy to do, don't you think we would have done so already? Child sexual abuse 'victims' try to block memories of what happened but the effects surface as they grow up. Not talking won't make it go it away, it just festers.




  • If adults are not willing to talk about the abuse, a child will probably feel there is something to be ashamed of, that it's dirty and too awful to talk about. This attitude only serve's to increase the child's feelings of guilt, shame and feelings of being abnormal and will compound their problems.




  • MYTH: MEN CAN'T BE SEXUALLY ABUSED AND ARE ALWAYS ABLE TO DEFEND THEMSELVES.



  • REALITY: Any man can be sexually abused, regardless of size, appearance or sexual orientation. Not all men are strong, emotionally or otherwise, to protect themselves from attacks, including sexual assaults.




  • Men who are attacked undergo the same reactions as women. They are paralysed with fear, so frightened that they cannot call for help and often too afraid to resist in case this provokes more violence.




  • MYTH: SEXUAL ABUSE IS ALWAYS VIOLENT.



  • REALITY: Sexual abuse can be violent, but the manner in which it is inflicted doesn't always involve violence. A pedoscele doesn't have to use a weapon or beat you into submission in order to achieve their end. The majority of sexual abuse involves the subtle brainwashing of a child.




  • Your family may have shown an a twisted expression of "touch" and "love" in the form of sexual abuse, or perhaps you were 'rewarded' with treats or extra love and attention, or even bribed to keep silent in the same manner. Sexual abuse can also be verbal, with the pedosceles main weapon being words (such as inappropriate sexual comments, or an overly invasive interest in your body and sexuality)
    Perhaps you 'gave' in because they threatened harm to someone else if you didn't comply, but it is still not your fault!




  • MYTH: SEXUAL ABUSE INVOLVES PLEASURE FOR THE VICTIM.



  • REALITY: Many adult survivors report a deep sense of shame, because they may have felt some 'pleasure' in an aspect of what happened, but the ovcer-riding effects are damamaging,soul destroying and harms that child for the rest of his life, unless healed!




  • Perhaps the abuse was the only form or understanding of affection you ever got, perhaps it was soothing, perhaps the pedoscele got off on making you feel pleasure. Just because you did feel pleasure doesn't mean you were not abused. Our bodies are designed to feel pleasure and respond in particular ways to particular kinds of touch. If your body did respond, it does NOT negate the abuse.
    The pedoscele used you for their own ends, taking away your free will and right to let your own sexuality develop as it should have.




  • MYTH: IF A SEXUAL CRIME ISN'T PROVEN BY LAW, THEN IT NEVER HAPPENED.



  • REALITY: The Law is an imperfect system designed by imperfect people, in order to provide some framework for basic conduct in an imperfect world, but even the best legal systems are not guaranteed to discover the truth about a given case.




  • If the law takes your pedoscele to court, and they find him or her Not Guilty (or Not Proven, or the equivalent for your country's judicial system), that DOES NOT mean that you weren't sexually abused and violated, or that the crime never actually occurred: all it means is that it couldn't be proven in court.
    It does not mean that you are a liar, it doesn't mean that the pedoscele never did anything wrong, it doesn't mean that you have no right to feel outraged, it simply means that courts of law require very specific types of evidence in order to prove a case, and in sexual crimes cases, it is a case of one person's word against another. Maybe the statute of limitations has run out. Maybe they didn't have enough hard evidence.
    Maybe the pedoscele was such a good liar that they had everyone fooled. Maybe they got off on a technicality beyond your control. IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT THE ABUSE NEVER ACTUALLY HAPPENED.
    Maybe your experience doesn't fit the law word-for-word, because of an age difference. Maybe what happened to you was hazy to recall fully.
    All it means is that you may not be able to prosecute successfully. Memory is an inexact science -- you may remember that something happened to you, and you may remember what it was, but it is hard to make memory alone stand up in a court of law. You can still heal, and still feel angry, as the law doesn't matter in terms of your recovery. (Dont resort to vigilante justice.)





  • MYTH: ONLY GAY MEN ARE SEXUALLY ABUSED.



  • REALITY: Heterosexual, gay and bisexual men are all liable to being sexually abused.




  • Being sexually abused has nothing to do with current or future sexual orientation.
    There is no excuse. Sexual orientation is not an excuse to be sexually abused.





  • MYTH: ONLY GAY MEN SEXUALLY ABUSE OTHER MEN AND BOYS.



  • REALITY: Most abusers, if asked, would identify themselves as heterosexual.




  • Sexual abuse is about violence, anger, sexual release for them, and control over another person, nothing to do with sexual attraction.
    Just by checking press reports, etc, you will usually see that those sentenced are described as 'normal married men', living a 'normal' life.
    Sexual orientation, or their perception of sexual orientation, is not an excuse to sexually abuse others.





  • MYTH: BOYS CANNOT BE SEXUALLY ABUSED BY WOMEN.



  • REALITY: Although the majority of abusers are currently recognised as being male, men and boys are sexually abused by women. The most recent and high profile case in the UK was Vanessa George, the Nursery School worker in Plymouth.




  • Females who sexually abuse children are more often far more sadistic in the forms of abuse they force upon children, and either act alone or with others in abusing children.





  • MYTH: ERECTION OR EJACULATION DURING SEXUAL ABUSE MEANS THE SURVIVOR "WANTED IT" OR CONSENTED.



  • REALITY: Erection and ejaculation are physiological responses that result from the physical contact or even extreme stress.




  • Some abusers are aware how erection and ejaculation can confuse you -- this motivates them to manipulate you to the point of erection or ejaculation to increase their feelings of control and to also discourage you from reporting the crime.
    It doesn't mean you enjoyed the sexual contact, it was your bodys reaction to touch and feeling, thats all, but IF you did enjoy the sensation, and did ejaculate, dont worry about that either! I defy any man to deny its Operation to be touched around their genitals





  • MYTH: IT ISN'T SEXUAL ABUSE IF YOU 'CONSENTED'



  • REALITY: A consenting individual is aware of what they are doing, has an understanding of the consequences, and is free from any manipulation or coercion to choose a certain way. If a person is NOT capable of knowing what they are getting into, how can it be said that consented?




  • If, as a child, you were abused again and again, YOU DID NOT CONSENT, AND IT IS STILL ABUSE. The reason is that a child is not a fully sexual being. Children are not supposed to be.
    A child is not fully aware of sex and all its complexities, and their own sexuality is expected to develop slowly and surely over the course of many years.
    As mentioned above, you may have also chosen to 'go along' with the abuse in order to ensure that you did get through it; but submission does not mean consent.
    If a gun is pointed at your head, and you're told to rob someone or you get your head blown off, the issue of consent doesn't even enter into it. How can you really make a choice, when one choice offered is death?

    MYTH: THE ABUSER IS HATED.
    REALITY: Sometimes, depending on who, where, etc, the child loves and protects the perpetrator. Some children feel "special" about the abuse, as it may be the only attention or physical contact they are getting.
    Because of this, some survivors try to deal with the abuse by minimizing it, by making the abuser and events "OK". All they are doing is delaying the inevitable, in that they need to heal from their abusive past, in order to leave the grief behind.
    The effects of sexual abuse last well into adulthood, affecting relationships, work, family, and life in general.
    PEDOSCELES WHO SAY "I WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED" ARE NOT SURVIVORS!


    IT COULD NEVER HAPPEN TO ME.

    REALITY: Yes it could! You can be old, young, fat, tall, small, black, white, asian, gay, straight, a cop, a student, whoever, and rape or abuse could happen to you.
    It's probably comfortable to believe that you're immune to being potentially raped or sexually assaulted; in the firm believe that you couldn't be raped because you're too nice, too white or too uptight, which gives you a false sense of security. "I couldn't be raped," because I never go out at night alone." "I couldn't be raped, because I'm a man." "I couldn't be raped".. for any of a number of highly superstitious reasons, but why hide behind the powerful spell of denial and place yourself at risk?
    THE REALITY of the matter is, you could be raped, no matter who you are. You could be assaulted or abused, no matter what. If someone really is out to get you, they can do it.
    There are never any 100% guarantees for you being safe. Bu before you freak out and never leave the house again, there are some good steps you can take to increase your safety level, and reduce your risk of being assaulted or abused.
    Trust your instinct and stay away from people who make your skin crawl or who make you feel unsafe. It's a beautiful world out there, but as you know all to well, it has the potential to be a violent one too, so use your head and stay safe!

    Many men who have been raped display symptoms of Post-traumatic Stress disorder and many try to kill themselves, and many more have turned to alcohol and drugs to help them cope with the experience.
    Male survivors can be left doubting their sexuality, fearing sex, and may have difficulty forming relationships afterwards.
    It is difficult for men to access support if they have experienced rape as most rape crisis services are not accessible to men. Therapists working with men who were sexually abused in childhood have conducted clinical case studies and consistently report long-term problems. These include guilt and self-blame, low self-esteem and negative self-image, problems with intimacy, sexual problems, compulsions or dysfunctions, substance abuse and depression, and symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. [Bruckner, D.F. and Johnson, P.E. 1987, ‘Treatment for adult male victims of childhoodsexual abuse’, Social Casework, vol. 68, pp. 81-87]
    They may also fear that the sexual abuse has caused them, or will cause them, to become homosexual. [Gilgun, J. and Reiser, E. 1990, ‘The development of sexual identity among men sexually abused as children’, Families in Society, vol. 71, pp. 515-521]

    Any of the responses above do not imply that you wanted or enjoyed the abuse and does not indicate anything about your sexual orientation.
    Sexual abuse against men happens in many different ways. Some men are abused by a stranger, or a group of strangers, while others may be abused by someone they know. Men are sometimes sexually abused by women, but most often they are sexually abused by other men.
    Some abusers use weapons, physical force, or the threat of force to control the situation.
    Others may use blackmail or a position of authority to threaten or coerce someone into submission.
    Others use alcohol, drugs, or a combination of both to prevent victims from fighting back.
    No matter how it occurs, it is a violation of a man's body and it can have lasting emotional consequences.
    So, if you need reminding again, it is possible to recover from all of this and regain control of your life!

    THIS ARTICLE IS COPIED, WITH PERMISSION, FROM
    http://www.amsosa.com/myths.htm
    Please do not copy without their permission.




  • BREAK THE SILENCE, THAT IS NOT YOURS TO KEEP

    Why do some male survivors wait so long to speak and break the silence that has surrounded them since they were sexually abused?

    If you have never spoken out before, and wondered why you have waited so long to do something about it, carry on reading and see if the answers come to you.

    Set out below are just some of the reasons given to me, over the past 20 years or more.

    I WAS TO BLAME FOR WHAT HAPPENED, AS I DIDN'T STOP IT, OR TELL SOMEONE WHAT WAS HAPPENING.

    If you had been able to speak out,at the time, you would have done so, and stopped it then, but because of varying reasons as to why you didn't, why judge yourself, as that younger child or adult, and continue to blame yourself? You had no choice in what happened TO you, and therefore did the best you could, at the time, to get through it all.

    IT WAS JUST ME AND MY BROTHER/SISTER MESSING ABOUT.

    Often, sexual abuse is carried out in the family, and far more than is believed, so when its a family member, be that mother, father, sister, brother, aunts, uncles, or grandparents, it can confuse you even more.

    If it was someone who close in age, that causes more issues for you to deal with, as it feels like it should be kept quiet, and not talked about, but if you were to be told, by someone else, that they had been abused by a family member, would you find that easier to deal with? If so, tell yourself again, that the abuse is abuse and you have every right to talk about it and break the silence.

    IT DIDN'T HURT ME, AND THERE WERE PARTS OF IT THAT I ENJOYED.

    That has been said to me so many times, and I always answer it as such: I defy anyone to not react sexually or to enjoy sexual feelings, from being touched sexually. The difference here is that it was sexually abusive, even if done in a 'loving' way, because it was not done by choice. You had no choice and no matter what was said to you at the time, the abusers had the control and power over you, so try and distance yourself from the sexual 'pleasures' you may have had, and consider that it wasn't an issue, you wouldn't be looking for answers as to what happened to you.

    I DIDN'T SAY YES or DIDN'T SAY NO.

    Again, here is the wrongly inherited guilt and shame that stops male survivors from speaking out, in that because you 'took part', you then believe that it was your fault, when it is the person who asked, or coerced you into doing something sexual TO them.

    IT WAS JUST ONCE AND NOT THAT BAD.

    In that case, you would not have a problem with it and would not be reading this page, but as you maybe what you need to do is recognise that it has had a profoudn effect upon you, in many ways, and start to work on those issues, many of which are outlined on other pages on this site.

    HE GOT ME TO DO THINGS TO HIM AND NEVER TOUCHED ME

    That has been said on many occasions, in that some boys are coerced into doing sexual things TO the abuser, and therefore end up thinking that they were abusers, and that by doing so, must be gay or enjoyed doing it.

    If that fits your story, it's easily explained, in that he or they, MADE you do things, in order to trap you into what they wanted, and left you with no escape from the abuse. It has been reported many times that the abuser got more than one child involved and coerced them to be sexual with one other, further compounding guilt and shame.

    IT WAS JUST ME AND MY BROTHER, MESSING AROUND.

    Again, if it was just 'messeing around' you would not have a problem with it, and would have been able to put it behind you, but as you have not done so, maybe you need to look at what was done TO you, and what actual role you played in what happened TO you.

    I WAS TOLD THAT MY MOTHER/FATHER WOULD BE KILLED IF I SAID ANYTHING.


    A typical ploy by abusers is to make threats to ensure that you complhy with their demands, so you can excuse yourself that you failed to speak out at the time, because at least you taking that step now, I hope, by breaking the silence imposed upon you

    This article is Copyright http://amsosa.com/speak.htm

    Tuesday, 14 February 2012

    Poetry Is...





    I have found
    poetry is invariably
    not unlike a candle
    that burns out
    having consumed
    its possibilities.
    The theme going through
    various stages,
    of loss,
    into idealism,
    which is always dead
    idealism,
    nothing fleshed,
    nothing to touch,
    nothing interactive,
    no answer ever,
    nothing of the beloved,
    no affections,
    only mourning
    of lack and loss,
    as the candle burns
    until it has consumed itself
    and then perishing
    alone
    into no more
    than the dark.
    That does not prevent
    dreams
    of wanting it
    to be more than that,
    as if a candle
    can be lit
    and something better
    might happen,
    rather than perishing
    into the dark
    as it flickers out.






    I Will Always Love You

    "I Will Always Love You" is a song by American singer-songwriter Dolly Parton. The country track was released on June 6 1974 as the second single from Parton's thirteenth solo studio album, Jolene (1974). Recorded on June 13, 1973, the singer wrote the song for her one-time partner and mentor Porter Wagoner, with whom she was having a business splitting at the time. "I Will Always Love You" received positive comments from critics and attained commercial success, reaching number one on the Billboard Hot Country Songs chart two times. With the accomplishment, Parton became the first artist ever to earn a number one record twice with the same song as a singer, and three times as a writer.



    In 1992, singer Whitney Houston recorded the song for the soundtrack to The Bodyguard, her film debut. Houston was originally to record Jimmy Ruffin's "What Becomes of the Brokenhearted" as the lead single from The Bodyguard. However, when it was discovered the song was to be used for Fried Green Tomatoes, Houston requested a different song and her co-star Kevin Costner brought her Linda Ronstadt's 1975 version of "I Will Always Love You" from her album Prisoner in Disguise. Houston and producer David Foster re-arranged the song as a soul ballad. Her record company did not feel a song with an a cappella introduction would be as successful; however, Houston and Costner insisted on retaining the a cappella intro. The tenor saxophone solo was played by Kirk Whalum. Whitney Houston's recording is not the only version of the song featured in the movie. In a scene where she dances with Kevin Costner, a version by John Doe can be heard playing on a jukebox.

    Houston's version was a massive worldwide success, appearing at number 68 on Billboard's "Greatest Songs of All Time."



    If I should stay
    Well, I would only be in your way
    And so I'll go, and yet I know
    That I'll think of you each step of my way
    And I will always love you
    I will always love you
    Bitter-sweet memories
    That's all I have, and all Im taking with me
    Good-bye, oh, please don't cry
    Cause we both know that Im not
    What you need
    I will always love you
    I will always love you
    And I hope life, will treat you kind
    And I hope that you have all
    That you ever dreamed of
    Oh, I do wish you joy
    And I wish you happiness
    But above all this
    I wish you love
    I love you, I will always love

    I, I will always, always love you
    I will always love you
    I will always love you
    I will always love you

    Desire

    Desire,

    My Infatuations.

    Desire,

    My Encrypted Disconnections.

    Desire,

    My Innocent Intentions

    And I Could Be Yours

    And You Could Be Mine

    And We Could Be Stars

    Selected To Shine.

    Desire Me Whole

    Desire My Soul.

    Desire,

    My Tragedires In Disguise

    Desire My Truth And Devour My Lies.

    Close Your Eyes

    And We'll Pretend

    Under The Moonfilled Skies

    We Have No End.

    Fasten,

    My Picture In A Locket

    Break The Clasp

    And Break The Chain

    All This Vanity's In Vain.

    Take Some Belledonna, Deadly Niteshade

    Strap It In A Book For Memories

    And Watch The Colour Fade.





    Wild Horses




    Childhood living is easy to do
    The things you wanted I bought them for you
    Graceless lady, you know who I am,
    You know I can't let you slide through my hands

    Wild Horses,
    Couldn't drag me away,
    Wild, wild horses,
    Couldn't drag me away...

    I watched you suffer a dull, aching pain
    Now you decided to show me the same
    No sweeping exits or offstage lines,
    Can make me feel bitter or treat you unkind

    Wild Horses,
    Couldn't drag me away,Wild, wild horses,
    Couldn't drag me away...

    I know I dreamed you a sin and a lie,
    I have my freedom but I don't have much time
    Faith has been broken tears must be cried,
    Let's do some living after we die

    Wild Horses,
    Couldn't drag me away,
    Wild, wild horses,
    We'll ride them someday

    Wild Horses,
    Couldn't drag me away,
    Wild, wild horses,
    We'll ride them someday

    My Love

    My love for you is like an ocean
    It's depths and treasures await.
    My love is like a summer rose
    Waiting to open its heart to you.

    My love is like a river
    Flowing towards to you forever
    My love, you are the air I breathe,
    For surely without you I would die.

    My love is greater than a mountain,
    But you don't have to climb.
    My love, my arms await you here,
    Step in, come close, you're mine.



    Monday, 13 February 2012

    More - Theme from Monda Cane

    An old song, but a longtime favourite of mine.




    More than the greatest love the world has known,
    This is the love I give to you alone,
    More than the simple words I try to say,
    I only live to love you more each day.
    More than you'll ever know, my arms long to hold you so,
    My life will be in your keeping, waking, sleeping, laughing, weeping,
    Longer than always is a long long time, but far beyond forever you're gonna be mine.
    I know I've never lived before and my heart is very sure,
    No one else could love you more.

    More than you'll ever know , my arms they long to hold you so,
    My life will be in your keeping, waking, sleeping, laughing, weeping,
    Longer than always is a long long time, but far beyond forever you'll be mine,
    I know that I've never lived before and my heart is very sure,
    No one else could love you more, no one else could love you more.

    Free of my Love


    There is a beauty in your eyes…
    a sudden smile you wore,
    a softness in your sighs,
    that I didn’t catch before.

    There is a laugh when you rejoice…
    and a confidence you allow
    to a faith within your voice
    that I hadn’t heard ‘til now.

    Your alarming un-clichéd
    charm - so easily cast,
    I wonder how it strayed
    my attention in the past.

    And now that you are free
    from our relationship itself,
    I see that it was me
    who had kept you from yourself

    Something Inside

    Something inside of me
    lived for that moment
    when I would find you,
    something inside of me
    lived for that day
    when I would love you,
    something inside of me
    lived for that feeling I felt
    when I was near to you,
    now that you're gone
    can't find a way to say
    it's like something has died
    that lived for that moment
    something inside of me
    I was keeping alive for you
    something inside of me
    now I don't know
    how to make it alive again
    that something inside of me
    that lived for that moment
    when I would find you.




    Sunday, 12 February 2012

    Agony Of Unfinished Words


    I could not write
    one single line
    last aching night.
    I felt so discarded.
    I could not form
    one paltry verse
    into poetic form.
    I felt so unwanted.

    I could not work,
    not concentrate,
    on anything.
    I felt so unloved.
    I had to put it
    all aside, picking it up
    and putting it aside.
    I felt so lost.

    I was not happy
    with even one word
    of my writings.
    I felt so rejected.
    I could not create,
    invoke or evoke
    anything of any kind.
    I felt so buried.

    I wrote and wrote
    and not even one line
    said what I wanted to say.
    I felt so constrained.
    I hated all the lines,
    as all they were
    was his absence.
    I felt so in love.

    His absence
    made into an infinite
    kind of symbol.
    I felt so alone.
    Everything the absence
    of all that I love most
    as to the man I love.
    I felt so desiring.

    Perhaps only I care
    what I felt.
    After a while
    all I could understand
    was one untitled work
    inclusive of everything:
    as to how cruel
    a twist of unloved fate.
    existence proves to be.

    I wondered,
    is that one untitled work
    the only true masterpiece
    I might be given to create ?
    This time was different
    I could not do art
    to distract myself
    from the pain of heartbreak.

    The Loss

    How it all goes,
    hasn't changed that much
    the way it all goes,
    though I feel the loss
    all the time
    in how it all goes,
    I feel the loss
    in the loss of you.
    I feel the loss
    where there is no loss,
    in the loss of you,
    in how it all goes,
    though it hasn't changed much,
    as to how it all goes
    the way it all goes
    despite the loss of you.
    If I could change one thing
    only one thing
    about how it all goes
    the way it all goes,
    I would change
    the loss of you,
    so I would not have
    this loss of you,
    in how it all goes
    the way it all goes,
    don't want to know
    this loss of you,
    as everything goes,
    the way it all goes,
    however it goes,
    the way it goes,
    want so much
    to know
    this is not the loss of you
    in how it all goes,
    the way it goes.


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