Remember To Live Before You Die

Life is for the living - So many people spend their time worrying about life after death but forget to actually live before they die.

Many would say that I should shut up and listen to my own advice. I had a "rebirth" four years ago. My life crumbled and turned to ashes, and yes, like the fabled Phoenix, I emerged. I did not fly however, I stumbled around, getting my bearings. Now I'm ready to test those wings. 

Those that know me well understand that there is much in this life I want to achieve but circumstances do not currently permit this. I am, however, a patient man. 

I don't worry about what will happen when I die, as die I most certainly will. The promise of the afterlife or suchlike has no hold over me. Today is now. Tomorrow is something I cannot plan for, or change. Yesterday is gone. I live for today and hope that tomorrow will be kind.

The choices I make, and will make, might not be to everyones liking. They will be MY choices. In this one life I have been given, I will do my utmost to help others, to help myself, be happy. To be free. 

There are people who would silence me, control me. I say this to them.. 

I must do what I think is the right thing. I am no longer afraid of what others might think of me. Their opinion is theirs alone. If I make mistakes, then they are MY mistakes to make.

Richness of spirit does not depend on whether we are "religious" or not. As long as what we do in life harms nobody, then what we do is our own concern. Being a good person is not dependent on whether we worship a deity, attend church or call ourselves religious - Being a good person comes from within. It's something we do, not something we claim to be.

Many claim that forgiveness of others that have committed a crime against our person is the only way to find peace. I refuse to forgive those that assaulted my body and my innocence when I was a child. They committed a crime, a vile, disgusting, perverted crime that corroded almost my entire adult life to date. Forgive that? NO. I am free of the past and I did not forgive. If forgiveness is what it takes for you to move on, then so be it. Please do not be persuaded that it is a necessary stage. Another bizarre claim is that such people could be treated, rehabilitated and returned to society with no risk or danger to others. Again I strongly disagree.

My beliefs and opinions may not be yours, and I am not forcing you to adopt my way of thinking. I simply want my opinions to be a matter of record.

Another point I would like to clarify is this. I campaign for victims of abuse to step forward and disclose what happened to them. I actively encourage it because it is the only way that the true extent of these crimes can be made public. Disclosure in itself can lift a massive weight from the shoulders of the victims. However, If someone is not able to disclose, for whatever reason I do not think it right that they should be forced or cajoled to do so. Personal safety first and foremost. Always ensure that your well being will not be compromised. If your circumstances are such that you are no longer at risk, then please do not try and face the disclosure and your "healing" journey alone. 

I am not a therapist, I have no qualifications in any field relating to counselling or mental health. I do however have a great deal of first hand experience. I have studied a great deal on these topics. My purpose, my plan, is to educate, to be a voice, to stand up and be counted for both myself and for those who are unable to use their own voice. We are all uniquely individual. I do not have a quick fix, or even a generalised fix. I share with you what works for me and I invite others to this blog to do the same. I hope that from our experiences that others can find a path that works for them. 

Recovery from trauma is not easy. Sorry to be so blunt. Recovery and the ability to live your life free from the chains that bound you in the past is more than possible. It is very doable. The process can itself be very painful, but you are in control of that. Control is the key. You are the master or mistress of your own future. By taking the decision to disclose and free yourself from the past YOU are in charge. Take big strides or baby steps, you decide what works for you. Do not allow yourself to be pushed into doing things that make you feel unsafe. Ease yourself into it, take a deep breath, and stay in control.

This post has covered a few things that have been playing on my mind recently. It's from the heart, so forgive me if it's a little jumbled... 

Life is a gift and we must live in the present. 

The Christmas Guest #Christmas #Hope

The Story of the Christmas Guest

It happened one day at December's end
Some neighbors called on an old-time friend.

And they found his shop so meager and mean,
Made gay with a thousand boughs of green.

And old Conrad was sitting with face ashine.
When he suddenly stopped as he stitched the twine.

And he said "My friends at dawn today,
When the cock was crowing the night away,

The Lord appeared in a dream to me.
And He said, 'I'm coming your guest to be"

So I've been busy with feet astir,
Strewing my shop with branches of fir.

The table is spread and the kettle is shined,
And over the rafters the holly is twined.

And now I'll wait for my Lord to appear;
And listen closely so I will hear,

His steps as he nears my humble place.
And I'll open the door and I'll look on his face."

Then his friends went home and left Conrad alone,
For this was the happiest day he had known.

For long since his family had passed away.
And Conrad had spent many a sad Christmas Day.

But he knew with the Lord as his Christmas guest,
This Christmas would be the dearest and best.

So he listened with only joy in his heart,
And with every sound he would rise with a start,

And looked for the Lord to be at his door.
Like the vision that he had had a few hours before.

So he ran to the window after hearing a sound,
But all he could see on the snow covered ground

Was a shabby beggar whose shoes were torn.
And all his clothes were ragged and worn.

But old Conrad was touched and he went to the door
And he said, "Your feet must be cold and sore.

I have some shoes in my shop for you.
And I have a coat to keep you warmer, too."

So with grateful heart the man went away.
But Conrad notice the time of day

And he wondered what made the dear Lord so late,
And how much longer he'd have to wait.

Then he heard another knock, and he ran to the door,
But it was only a stranger once more.

A bent old lady with a shawl of black,
And a bundle of kindling piled on her back.

But she asked only for a place to rest,
a place that was reserved, for Conrad's great guest.

But her voice seemed to plead, "Don't send me away,
Let me rest for awhile this Christmas Day."

So Conrad brewed her a steaming cup
And told her to sit at the table and sup.

After she had left, he was filled with dismay
For he saw that the hours were slipping away

The Lord had not come as He said He would
And Conrad felt sure he had misunderstood.

When out of the stillness he heard a cry.
"Please help, me and tell me - Where am I?"

So again he opened his friendly door.
And stood disappointed as twice before.

It was a child who had wandered away,
And was lost from her family on Christmas Day.

Again Conrad's heart was heavy and sad,
But he knew he could make this little girl glad.

So he called her in and he wiped her tears,
And he quieted all her childish fears.

Then he led her back to her home once more.
Then as he entered his own darkened door,

He knew that the Lord was not coming today,
For the hours of Christmas, had all passed away.

So he went to his room, and he knelt down to pray.
He said, "Lord, why did you delay?

What kept You from coming to call on me?
I wanted so much Your face to see."

Then softly, in the silence, a voice he heard.
"Lift up your head - I have kept My word.

Three times my shadow crossed your floor.
Three times I came to your lowly door.

I was the beggar with bruised cold feet;
I was the woman you gave something to eat;

I was the child on the homeless street.
Three times I knocked, three times I came in,

And each time I found the warmth of a friend.
Of all the gifts, love is the best.

I was honored to be your Christmas guest.

by Helen Steiner Rice

The Christmas Guest Music Video - Grandpa Jones

Why Did It Happen To Me? #childabuse

Sooner or later every one asks the question, “Why did it happen to me ?”

Etract from the aest.org.uk website which is unfortunately now closed.

I struggled with that question for years until I found understanding therapists. Lets get some things straight before we go on to look at this question deeper. Your abuser will no doubt of made you feel that the abuse happened because it was your fault in some way.

In asking the above question, you are trying to find out what you did wrong. The ONLY thing that you did wrong was to believe your abuser, and whoever that was LIED to you, and USED you. Other than that you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. I know that putting it that simply won’t be good enough for you yet, so I shall try to explain the answer a little better if I can.

Hopefully the simple answer will be enough for you one day soon.

Let us start by having a look at the person who first sexually abused you, when you were young. They were older than you, wiser and knew what they were doing. They will of probably of had to plan well before hand to make sure that they could get you alone, in order to be able to abuse you. This means that not only did they know what they were doing, they also knew what they wanted to do for some time before anything happened the first time.

There is thus NO WAY that you seduced them, and no way that you are to blame, no matter what excuses they gave you. At the age that you were, you probably knew little if anything to do about sex. Your abuser, on the other hand, being older knew what was happening. It is unlikely to of made any difference to your abuser if they sexually abused a boy or a girl, you were a child.

That is all that the abuser wanted, a child, basically any child that they could get by themselves, and manipulate into keeping quiet about what happened.

It is unlikely that you will be the only person that your abuser will of abused. If the abuser was a member of your family, or a close family friend, then it is possible that your brothers or sisters may also of been abused. What I am trying to do is to get you to realize that it happened to you ONLY because the abuser could get you alone, and it was safe for them.

For the simple reason that the circumstances within your family meant that you could be got alone, then it is also possible that you may of been abused by more than one person. By the time that I was 9 years old I had been abused by five different people that I can remember.

That does not make it my fault, it’s just that I could be gotten alone, and possibly having been abused once, another abuser could spot how vulnerable I was.

I know that it can be tempting at times to blame yourself for some of the situations that you have found yourself in, or put up with in your past, but as long as you have not hurt anyone else on purpose it is self defeating and pointless.

The abuse that you went through as a child had such a devastating, brain washing, effect on you, that you were conditioned to respond almost instinctively in certain ways, without much, if any, conscious thought.

It is not until you are on the path to recovery, that you can start to undo all the lies and misinformation, and start to make informed choices. Until you accepted that the abuse has had an effect upon you, then you had no way of understanding that you were doing things because of the abuse. At times your childhood pre-programming may still take over, but with the passage of time you will be able to take more control, little by little.

There is a land

There is a land
Where children smile and play freely
They laugh out loud and run with joy

There is a land
Where their Dreams are cherished
Their innocence is protected

There is a land
Where children come home to love
They feel nurtured and valued

There is a land
Where molestors dare not tread
and children can feel safe in thier beds

There is a land
Where all this is true
It is one that I have never seen

You are

I'll Be There For You

When the darkness around you is tangible,
When you feel comfortable in the pain,
When your head is pounding and you feel alone,
Just remember that you can lean on me.

When you aren't even sure why you want to cry
But you can't stop the tears that fall,
When you can no longer find your tune,
Just remember you can turn to me.

When you think you will crumble to your knees,
When the only good you find is in a bottle,
When you think you've messed up beyond repair,
Just remember to reach out to me.

On Grey Days

I am feeling a mixture
Both pleasure and pain
Darks mix with lights
Here emotions remain

Emotions keep merging
Colours collide into one
Breathing deeply I wait
Till grey days are gone

Frozen bereft of words
Colours hazy and unsure
Confusion fills these days
Emotions that I endure

Had I now lost all nerve
To finally give up the fight
Heart is battled scarred
Here waiting for light

A heart worn and weary
Painful emotions to erase
Stormy patterns appear
Feeling lost on grey days

It becomes a tiring routine
I have been there before
I shall ride out this storm
Then kick open the door

The Realization of a False Reality

The world is crashing down
Just a few days ago I was happy as a clown.
I wandered this earth in the security of a love bubble
Laughing away problems with the ease of a chuckle.

The bubble has been shattered
My limp body lay battered.
An army of demons demolished my happiness
And doomed me to live an eternity in loneliness.

My love has vanished
My dignity has been banished.
My heart is shattered, my mind in turmoil
A simple thought of my reality sends the blood to boil.

I have nothing left
Because of this theft;
My dreams are gone
So I am forced to await the dawn.

Praying that with the coming of the new day,
A sign will come that everything will be okay.
Desperately I wait, like a dying patient for a cure,
The coming of a new life, pristine and pure.

I hope with this new life, There will be no strife.
My heart will begin repair, Ridding itself of despair,
Regaining its capacity
to care.

The dust in my mind will begin to settle,
Blood will no longer boil like a tea kettle.
Happiness will reign again like a king on his throne,
All that is left of my former life is a pile of rotting bones.

For a new day has dawned,
A new life has spawned.
Time will heal all wounds love can cause;
Yet fate has its claws,

Deep within me.
Love is the key, to survival,
Life without love is no life at all.
Though love is the demon known to maul

Anyone that touches it or gets too close by;
Leaving the desperate for love, to suffer, and die.....

Just One Chance

Each day we have, may be our last
We must not waste, nor let it pass
Without sharing, and being a part
All that each day can and should be
A day to give, and to receive
The best of all that there can be.

I spent my life, in endless search
Of reasons why, the truth to find
Yet in the end, the only truth I need
Is that I am, and I live to be free.
No need to fight, or hide away
Your finest moment, is here, today.

Fear and Hope

I hope not to fear everything, everyone
For my inner child to be set free
That together as one we can face each new day
With hope

July 2011