Friday 31 January 2014
The Joys Of Living.. #childabuse #survivor
Most of my life has been spent bouncing off one wall or another. Never sure of what I wanted or what my role in this existence was. No surprise with hindsight considering the D.I.D I suppose. I wanted to do several things, but the trouble was I seemed to want them at the same time. Part of me also got bored very easily and didn’t want what I thought I wanted. Makes sense? No? Try living it.
My indecisiveness, obsessiveness and "mood swings" probably made a lot of people unhappy, or just plain angry... I am deeply sorry if that was the case.
Mine was/is a mental illness born out of a primeval need to survive. The term mental illness scares a lot of people, in others the sufferer is seen as an object of ridicule and derision. My mind fractured in order to preserve the whole. By becoming many, as in a herd, if a few were lost or damaged the main herd survived.
Thanks to some amazing therapists and the love and unflinching support of my family I can now live an almost "normal" life. Getting to know other survivors has also been a life changing experience. Knowing that I was not alone; that I wasn't to blame strengthened my resolve.
There is life after abuse, maybe not always perfect, but whose life is..
Becoming Beyond Survivor has not been easy, but it's a place and person I'm very proud to be. I cannot change or undo what was done to me, but I can put it into perspective most of the time now. By into perspective I mean in the past.
There are still those who share a tie of blood with me that wish me ill, that still cause grief when they can. Those people don't matter to me,, they are of no consequence.
The demons that I have lived with have left their mark, but they rarely bother me now. When they do I have the knowledge, the power and the tools to deal with them.
So often in the past I hated being alive, dreading each day. Being in the dark about what was "wrong" made it much worse. I hated who I was, eventually risking my own health with my behavior and piling on weight in order to protect myself.
Eighteen years ago I collapsed at work, in agony with back pain. I was eventually diagnosed with spina bifida occulta. At the time I was working two jobs and living a very busy life.
In my twenties I took care of myself, kept myself fit and trim. After the diagnosis at twenty eight I sort of fell to pieces. Back then I was unaware of the D.I.D etc, but with hindsight I can see I was also mentally all over the place. My weight almost doubled over a year or two; I drank heavily and generally didn't care. I became deeply depressed, suicidal, and was prescribed Prozac and after that caused bad reactions sleeping pills and other antidepressants.
I've always known that I'd been abused as a child, a few memories not hidden by my sub conscience. The childhood abuse went on for over a decade. The memory of a later rape in my mid teens came back to me in my late twenties but I tried to downplay it.
I didn't know until my early forties the extent of the abuse. By that time my health was a disaster area, my weight was still very unhealthy and I still drank too much. Today I'm on a diet. I don't drink much and I've started exercising.
My mental health has improved beyond recognition so it's now time to get the rest of me sorted.
Oh... And I'm writing again!
I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I'm a male survivor! Today I thrive.
I want to live. I want to be healthy. I deserve to.