Things I didn't say... #childabuse #survivor

It's funny in a dopey kind of way... Before both interviews with Tricia on Dreamcatchers Blog Talk Radio I had a list of things I wanted to say and other things I made lists of as we spoke to elaborate on..

When I first heard the show was almost two hours long I panicked. How could I fill 2 hours! As it turned out I could have chatted for another 6-8 hours quite happily. Having been silenced for so long it felt so good to use my voice.

I want to try and go over some things here and would also welcome any questions you might have. I firmly believe that one of the major ways of "getting over" abuse is to talk or write about it. A problem shared...

I would also like to take this chance to say a BIG thank you to Tricia and the Dreamcatchers team and to
YOU for the kind and supportive comments. Oh...and the cheekier ones too! :-) Apparently a new career beckons reading phonebooks or anything at all as long as I do it out loud!

I am available for weddings, christenings and the occasional bar mitzvah! lol

Seriously, thank you for helping me grow as a person and for giving me confidence in myself.

One of the things I wanted to discuss on the show was confidence. I feel frequently that I am not doing enough or that what I do is in some way lacking. I wish for 48 hours in my day and 14 days in my week... Much of the confidence I do have is from the fact I am not face to face with people as I share my story. I point you to a wonderful poem by Tom Teague "Friends without Faces" .

At the AMSOSA  (Male Survivors Trust) weekend retreat it took me a day to come out of my shell. The awesome feeling of being in the company of other male survivors soon overcame my shyness and fears. Knowing that I was not alone and that so many of the things I considered were "wrong" about me were actually side effects of the abuse was massively empowering. The problem I have is that the group is simply too far away for regular visits.

A feeling of being alone still travels with me. Not alone in being a survivor but a more physical feeling. I am not great at making friends. I can count my "physical" friends on one hand.

Hopefully I can remedy this over the next few years. One step at a time.

Another point is one we discussed on the show. Are pedophiles only sexually interested in children? No.

Research proves that most male abusers are heterosexual, middle class, white men. This includes those that abuse boys and girls. Being abused by a man does not "make" the victim gay. Neither does it mean that male pedophiles are gay. The same goes for female molestors too I believe.

I do not believe that a pedophile can be "cured". Our sexuality is very complex. Being heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual is NOT a lifestyle choice that can be "fixed" with treatment. We are what we are.

I don't care what people do in their lives, who they sleep with etc. This is just as long as the person being "slept with" is consenting and of legal age.

Growing up I was never aware that what was happening to me was abnormal. I knew it was a "special secret", that but not that it was wrong. Not knowing what normal really was meant that much of my life was lived on the sidelines. I felt I didn't fit. I felt that I was in the wrong for this. Now I can see that this was a reaction to what happened to me and that my silence and "freakiness" was forced upon me.

None of us are the same. Even twins etc have different personalities. What therfore is ths thing called "normal"? Who decided it's definition?

For me, "normal" died long long ago. I used to be a product of the abuse. Now I am a product of my healing journey. I am me.

Child abuse is a topic which is very slowly having more recognition. Breaking the chain of silence is the only way we can bring it fully to the attention of the "general" public. Change must and will come.

Clear hindsite is a wonderful thing. My journey is not over. I still have much to learn and much to share. I do know now that the pain is in the past. I feel no shame for what was done to me. I feel that the future is a place I look forward to being in.

When I looked for a support group a year ago ,only one within a reasonable distance (AMSOSA) advertised as a group for non-offending survivors. This was and still is very important to me. I have no wish to share space with anyone who has abused a child (the only exceptions being if the abuser was under sixteen (or the age of consent in your own country/area) and was being forced to abuse another child by an older person). I totally reject those that say they abused children because they were abused themselves and were not comfortable having a healthy sexlife with another adult. Bullcrap. Being a pedophile means being a deviant.

At the end of the show I made a point of thanking the partners, families and friends that actively support a victim of abuse. I know from my own experiences that healing can be a difficult and painful journey for those nearest to you too. If you have no-one close to you then please please try and join a support group. Do not try and face the healing journey alone.

One subject I try and shy away from is religion. It was touched upon during my first interview with Tricia. I was brought up to believe in God. The grandparents and their side of the family were very religious. One of those that abused me was a Methodist Minister. He was also the grandfathers brother. I was sodomised in his church, not only by him and the grandfather but also with other objects.  I was called the antichrist and born again christ at the same time.I was good and evil. It both terrified and warped my ideas. I was told that to tell of these things would risk my soul and the soul of those I loved.

I was Christened but later refused to be confirmed. After the death of my mother my belief in any God flew out of the window. In my late teens I looked at religion again. I attended different ceremonies and churches to see if I could believe in anything. I failed. I looked at paganism and  magic too. I was searching for something. I found it, a void. By the time I was to get married at 21 I hated churches, they made me physically ill. I was left shaking and panicked. I attended a service in which I was to be made a friends sons godfather in my late twenties. I had to rush out, terrified and shaking. I remember feeling it was all a lie, religion was a cover for evil things men do.

Today I have "faith". I have faith in myself. I consider myself to be a spiritual person, kind and empathic. I have no need of organised religion, churches, chapels etc.

Do I believe in an omnipotent God? No. Do I believe in Jesus? Yes! He existed. Who he was or was claimed to be is of no interest to me.

I do not believe that religions should be allowed to investigate themselves, especially in cases of child abuse. The same would go for any organisation. 

I shall end on that note. Simply recalling that experience is enough to make me seek peace.

Thank you for walking with me.

Jân