The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year?

Christmas is coming...... I have always loved Christmas, the build up, the sharing, time with friends and family. Almost every year as an adult I end up depressed....

It has improved over the last few years. Acknowledging the fact it exists, and then sharing that knowledge is so important. I know now the reasons why I struggle over Christmas.. A need to please, wanting everything to go well, I plan and prepare and plot too much. The grandfather was born on Christmas Day... That used to really bug me. Gifts I received for Christmas used to vanish soon afterwards and I'd get the blame. In truth he sold them to pay for his Whisky habit...

I almost got into that "habit" myself as an adult. Drink was such an easy escape, then mornings came and feelings of guilt, shame and the hangover. I hid this for years. It was always worse at Christmas.

I spent a couple of Christmases totally alone, not seeing anyone. I hated it and now if I hear of anyone spending the day alone I invite them over. Christmas is no time to be alone.

‘Tis the season to be jolly..... Apparently December is not only the month where depression is most likely to hit you but it also has the highest rate of suicides. It’s the month where family and friends should be getting together, where you plan your Christmas and decorate the home etc.

Many things can trigger deeper depression in December...

Loneliness, bereavement and grieving, failed business or loss of a job. The breakup of a relationship. Ill health generally.  All likely to set you on the road to depression at any time, but worse at this time of year.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D) adds to the equation. The long nights and short days, the frequent lack of sunshine...

 I love the idea of Christmas but hate the commercialism that this celebration has been overtaken with.

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

Coping with depression is bad enough, but trying to do so when everyone else is extra happy makes it harder to reach out, to ask for help. We don't want to stand out from the crowd so instead we cut ourselves off. Not wanting to drag others down into our depression we stand alone, and watch from the sidelines.
Instances of depression are higher in those who have suffered trauma in their earlier lives. At a time of year where people are getting together to celebrate, those with depression are most likely to feel more isolated. Unable to join in, to embrace the season of good will, they sink further and further into a pit of gloom.

Alone in crowd. I have often felt most lonely when there are people hustling and bustling around me, laughing and joking. Not wanting to spoil their festive fun I would either paint a false smile on my face or just vanish into the shadows. Christmas can be a very stressful time for anyone. For those prone to depression it can be a nightmare.

Though there has been more publicity over the issue of Christmas depression in recent years, it is still not understood. The most important thing you can do is tell someone how you feel. Reach out before the season starts and share. Communication is much easier now. Social media and the internet generally helps bring people together. Telephone someone, talk to someone. See your Doctor or Priest, just don't sit at home alone. There is no shame in admitting that you get depressed and you may be suprised to find others feeling the same way. All to often those who find themselves getting depressed do nothing about it.

Depression can deeply affect your life. It can sneak up and disrupt your work, your home life, your health generally and can lead you to neglect those around you that need you well. Grab a hold of the problem and do something about it.The most important thing is to reach out, ask for help, talk to someone.

Don't let depression destroy your Christmas or that of those around you. The power to do something about it is in your hands. Do you want to become another statistic? Please remember there is no shame in asking for help. This is the season of goodwill to all men and if Scrooge can do it then so can you. 

If you are prone to Christmas depression then reach out, tell someone. Seek help if needs be.

If you know someone who appears to be slipping into a depression or who always gets the winter blues reach out to them. It won't kill you and you might just save a life.

Be nice to yourself, be kind to yourself. The greatest gift is that of love so remember to love yourself too.

To finish.. A little message from me!

A Blue Christmas? #Christmas #depression #SAD

This is a reblog of a post I wrote around this time last year. Much has changed for me during 2012 and I have found myself dreading the coming of December. Not working means there is little spare money this year. I even thought of cancelling Christmas... Common sense prevailed and it's been decided to have a lean Christmas.

 The past year has taught me a lot about myself, I've unearthed many childhood memories (good as well as bad) and I have fought and defeated many demons. Friendships have grown from surprising places and I've been blessed by these. The biggest lesson I've learnt this year is that I am even more of a survivor than I thought I was. My childhood was much more damaging than I'd thought a year ago and my adult life was deeply affected  by this.

 I've grown and developed more as an adult. I no longer seek to be the man I was born to be... I am becoming the man I want to be. This is my life! If I can do something, anything, to help others who suffered as I did and if I can raise enough awareness about the issues of childhood sexual abuse I might even save someone else from being a victim. That is my Christmas wish this year.

Blue Christmas?

Christmas is coming...... I have always loved Christmas, the build up, the sharing, time with friends and family. Almost every year as an adult I end up depressed....

It has improved over the last few years. Acknowledging the fact it exists, and then sharing that knowledge is so important. I know now the reasons why I struggle over Christmas.. A need to please, wanting everything to go well, I plan and prepare and plot too much. The grandfather was born on Christmas Day... That used to really bug me. Gifts I received for Christmas used to vanish soon afterwards and I'd get the blame. In truth he sold them to pay for his Whisky habit...

I almost got into that "habit" myself as an adult. Drink was such an easy escape, then mornings came and feelings of guilt, shame and the hangover. I hid this for years. It was always worse at Christmas. Now I enjoy an occasional drink, but stick to the milder varieties and rarely get drunk.

I spent a couple of Christmases totally alone, not seeing anyone. I hated it and now if I hear of anyone spending the day alone I invite them over. Christmas is no time to be alone.

‘Tis the season to be jolly..... Apparently December is not only the month where depression is most likely to hit you but it also has the highest rate of suicides. It’s the month where family and friends should be getting together, where you plan your Christmas and decorate the home etc.

Many things can trigger deeper depression in December...

Loneliness, bereavement and grieving, failed business or loss of a job. The breakup of a relationship. Ill health generally.  All likely to set you on the road to depression at any time, but worse at this time of year.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D) adds to the equation. I love Christmas but hate the short days and cold wet weather..

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

Coping with depression is bad enough, but trying to do so when everyone else is extra happy makes it harder to reach out, to ask for help. We don't want to stand out from the crowd so instead we cut ourselves off. Not wanting to drag others down into our depression we stand alone, and watch from the sidelines.
Instances of depression are higher in those who have suffered trauma in their earlier lives. At a time of year where people are getting together to celebrate, those with depression are most likely to feel more isolated. Unable to join in, to embrace the season of good will, they sink further and further into a pit of gloom.
Alone in crowd. I have often felt most lonely when there are people hustling and bustling around me, laughing and joking. Not wanting to spoil their festive fun I would either paint a false smile on my face or just vanish into the shadows. Christmas can be a very stressful time for anyone. For those prone to depression it can be a nightmare.

Though there has been more publicity over the issue of Christmas depression in recent years, it is still not understood. The most important thing you can do is tell someone how you feel. Reach out before the season starts and share. Communication is much easier now. Social media and the internet generally helps bring people together. Telephone someone, talk to someone. See your Doctor or Priest, just don't sit at home alone. There is no shame in admitting that you get depressed and you may be suprised to find others feeling the same way. All to often those who find themselves getting depressed do nothing about it.
Depression can deeply affect your life. It can sneak up and disrupt your work, your home life, your health generally and can lead you to neglect those around you that need you well. Grab a hold of the problem and do something about it.The most important thing is to reach out, ask for help, talk to someone.

Don't let depression destroy your Christmas or that of those around you. The power to do something about it is in your hands. Do you want to become another statistic? Please remember there is no shame in asking for help. This is the season of goodwill to all men and if Scrooge can do it then so can you. 

If you are prone to Christmas depression then reach out, tell someone. Seek help if needs be.

If you know someone who appears to be slipping into a depression or who always gets the winter blues reach out to them. It won't kill you and you might just save a life.

Be nice to yourself, be kind to yourself. The greatest gift is that of love so remember to love yourself too.

Flashbacks of a Fool?

Twelve months ago I was going through a very bad time. I'd been trying to keep my business  afloat for over a year. I'd taken financial and industry specific advice, I'd made all the cutbacks I could think of.  I'd ended up in therapy for stress and all I could see was doom and gloom. The whys and wherefores I've blogged about previously so will not repeat them now.

My therapist at the time used to say "so what?" "will the world come to an end if your business fails?" I thought yes, very much so, my world would collapse. I'd borrowed heavily to buy the business off my former employer, the interest which was based on the LIBOR system was crippling me and I'd been unable to renew essential stocks for months.

I'd spent twenty years working in the same place, climbing the ladder from tea boy/filing clerk through management and into a directors role. I then became the owner. All signs were that I would do well, my accountant even worrying that I would make too much money. At first all went well.. Then the banking crisis and  global recession  hit hard. On October 13th last year I closed the doors and ceased trading.

I was devastated. It did feel as if my world had indeed collapsed. I felt shame, guilt, remorse and anger.  I floated through meetings with insolvency practitioners and creditors, I met with old friends who told me I'd had no chance with the state of the economy and the fact my staff had turned against me. The cutbacks I'd had to make were not popular. I hated making them but they were the only way I could think to save money.  My ex employer was also in the background having decided he didn't like retirement. Three months after I'd closed the doors he bought the business assets for a fraction of their true value and is now back at the helm, with most of my ex employees working for him...

Que sera sera... I survived that too. The therapist was right... My world changed but did not collapse. In truth, having the pressures of business removed allowed me to concentrate on myself for the first time in decades. I published my debut book in March this year and whilst it isn't a best seller I am proud of it. Very proud of it.

Life has become much harder. Employment is still something that eludes me. My family and I have made many sacrifices this last year. During the eight months before I had to close my business and the months since I have also been trying to deal with the memories of abuse that still surprise me now and then.

At the moment much is at stake. Nobody seems to want to employ an ex employer. I have learnt many skills over the last twenty five years. Before last year I'd not spent more than a few weeks unemployed since leaving University. I've so much to give but it seems I am fighting an impossible fight.

The Internet has become a lifeline in so many ways. It's allowed me to not only share my own experiences but also to learn from other peoples. It's allowed me to bare my inner self, to hopefully show that there is no shame in saying "I'm a MALE survivor of childhood sexual abuse & adult rape" I've "met" some pretty awesome and amazing people this last year or so. I've grown as a person and have also been deeply moved and humbled by the stories and kindness of others. Thank you for that.

The future is again a scary place. I doubt I can continue to maintain an online presence after December. The money is simply not going to be there. I'm trying to get my second book into some semblance of sense but am struggling because of the intensity of emotions writing it presents. Again I'm told "so what" etc etc. ok... I survived the collapse of my business but now will soon face the collapse of everything else. That really scares the pants off me.

I'm a fighter, a survivor. I've lived through several layers of hell and come out fighting. Then though I wax fighting just for myself. Now I have a family to consider too and I again feel shame, guilt and a huge sense of failure because I will be letting them down.  None of us knows what tomorrow will bring. I hope that my tomorrow brings gainful and paid employment.

If you're still reading then I thank you. I hope this doesn't come across as self pity because that is certainly not my aim. On top of everything else I don't want to let you, my readers, down either. I'm doing something I enjoy, I'm apparently helping others. I wanted to work with people after I left school but my father wanted me to follow his footsteps into engineering. I hate machines... They have no feeling, no "soul". I'm told I have a heightened sense of empathy, great if working with people but useless when working with machines or metal....

I've no idea what life has in store for me, I can only cling onto the one thing that has always got me through... HOPE.

The Liar, The Bitch and The Wardrobe

What's wrong with you!!?? You're a liar! Was my Sisters response when I finally shared
Why try to cause trouble, why lie! You always want attention, You're a liar she repeated.
He wouldn't do that, you just have to lie about everything. You're sick, just evil.
No-ones going to believe you, one day you're going to end up in a mental hospital
You're a liar, you're sick, just evil.

She is a bitch, born a bastard living her life as a first class bitch. Joan Collins stand aside.
She destroys lives, marriages, trust. She liked married men, with children even better
Once she told a 7 yr old girl "I'll make a better mummy than yours is!"
She is sick, she's a bitch, with evil, twisted ways, she made my life hell.
She took what was left of my trust and destroyed it. Just like a bitch.

I had to hide, find an escape, I found a secret land. Behind a wardrobe no less.
There I could be what I wanted, who I wanted. Thanks to C.S Lewis, I survived
and hid. When I was older, with my own address, I bought a wardrobe, removed the back
And hid again, but this time I grew. There I found strength, and guardians to protect me
There I could be who I was born to be. There I could just be me.

Music Of The Night

Trees dance gracefully to the symphony of the wind.
They sway gently while lightening highlights the sky.
The air is warm and humidity high
And thunder rolls in background tempo.
The songs of the night unify the sweet melody;
They unify and tie the piece together.
This beautiful song brings such a calm deep within
Yet it makes me tremble as joy sweeps over me.
I sit in my chair watching,listening,alone.
The music brings images of my life story to mind.
As I become hypnotized to the rhythm and flow
It is all so sobering and beautiful.
The images become more vivid. The music more angry.
The music within me, that I am, accompanies the orchestration.
I think about the many places I've been to.
I see the empty eyes of strangers as life marches by.
The music crests, emotion peaks, images nearly real.
Inside is a tossed salad of different feelings.
Good, sad, excited, angry, ashamed, and alone.
Sometimes I feel as though I'm almost at lifes end.

August 2011

Help me

I'm crying inside but no one can hear
I'm hurting inside but no one can see
I'm dying inside but no one cares
Help me break free from this pain that I feel
Give me the love that i've never felt
How can I survive with no love in my life?
How can I survive when i'm wanting to die?
Why can no one feel my pain?
Why doesn't anyone care?
Help me breathe
Help me live
Help me be who I really am
I don't want to feel this hurt anymore
I don't want this stake in my chest
Help me
1993

Alone

I feel lost, scared, and confused.
I look around and realize I am alone.
Suddenly panic settles in:
Everyone I thought cared is gone.
No friends, no family, not even a stranger
Are close enough to hear my cries.
My life is a desolate desert
With tears flooding my eyes.
I scream but my voice echos back.
Life has lost all reason and rhyme.
Then suddenly I stop and realize
Throughout life, I've been alone the whole time.

1998

Powerless at 3am

So this is how it comes:
in the dark of early morning
reaching for light that doesn't come
you look to the not glowing
alarm clock...
The darkness
is partially interrupted
by flashes of lightning that
shatter the shadows
throughout
the house, and you wonder
if you are alone
as you get up and make
for the kitchen...
You try another light and it doesn't come
but you have been up too long now
no point in sleep, you know what time it is
and no one else is here anyway, take out
a match and light a candle, leftover from Christmas
because the darkness is almost unbearable;
you cannot make out the colour of your own flesh,
and it helps to know you are here, anyway...
You know know what time it is,
and you are sitting in a room
listening to your whole world thunder
and crash, and to the sound
of him or her not snoring
in the bedroom, and watching
the whiteness of the lightning,
no longer spider-like, throw itself
out toward the black sky
like a fisherman's net, and
resurfacing with nothing...
And maybe, just maybe
one night that lightning
will go out once and come back;
catch those damn stars
and send you one or two to keep...
As long as they aren't the
same ones
that keep you up
counting wishes and stars
when there are no clouds out
and it's not raining.
Again powerless at 3am

The Loss

How it all goes,
hasn't changed that much
the way it all goes,
though I feel the loss
all the time
in how it all goes,
I feel the loss
in the loss of you.
I feel the loss
where there is no loss,
in the loss of you,
in how it all goes,
though it hasn't changed much,
as to how it all goes
the way it all goes
despite the loss of you.
If I could change one thing
only one thing
about how it all goes
the way it all goes,
I would change
the loss of you,
so I would not have
this loss of you,
in how it all goes
the way it all goes,
don't want to know
this loss of you,
as everything goes,
the way it all goes,
however it goes,
the way it goes,
want so much
to know
this is not the loss of you
in how it all goes,
the way it goes.

A childhood lament

Can anybody hear me?
Does anybody care?
Each night I pray for death to come,
But it's not death that climbs the stairs.

Can anybody see me?
I'm right before your eyes!
I've become withdrawn, I dont laugh or play,
I just gaze emptily up to the sky.

Will anybody miss me?
Would you even notice me gone?

Tonight I'm going to fly to heaven,

My suffering here on earth is done.

There's blood on the razor's edge

There's blood on the razor's edge
There's nothing in my heart
There's blood dripping down my leg
And the stinging pain,
Nearly ripping me apart..
There's blood on my fingers
Blood on my mind tonight
There's my blood on the paper
I sicken by the sight
There's blood on the floor
You never know what's going on
Behind closed doors
There's blood on the razor's edge
There's blood on my fingers
I can feel the warmth
I feel sick… I want to throw up…
I feel sick.. I'm going to throw up...
I'm sick…
There's blood on the floor
Can you tell what's going on
behind closed doors?
I should never
have swallowed the glass pieces.
Can you tell what's going on
behind closed doors?
There's blood on the razor's edge
There's nothing in my heart...

Naked and vulnerable

Once I was proud of what I saw in my mirror.
Long hours of work and healthy food,
Dancing into the night,
Hours at the gym.
I was happy.

Then my memories became stronger
I stopped going to the gym
Stopped dancing, drunk instead
Diet? Ha! Whatever was handy.
I became FAT.

I doubled my bodyweight in 14 months
Twice the man I was before. Yet half
The man I want to be. I am a nothing
Unsure, ashamed and terrified, forever
Alone.

Now though smaller than I was
After nightmarish memories returned
I look at myself, naked, feeling
Vulnerable, disgusted. Though looking this
Ugly, I feel SAFE.

March 2011

Bubbles bursting

I know I must expect my moods to be swinging at the moment.

I just wish they wouldn't swing down, just up!

Having lived with thinking I am nothing but rubbish, a nuisance, a blot on the face of mankind is hard to shake. Today I had to ask someone to email me something a few times. I felt stupid, I felt I was being a pain in the butt, I kept wanting to type sorry.