Sunday 24 May 2020

I Am ME - That IS Enough. #mindfulness

Moving Forwards in a Backwards Direction. 

That doesn't really sound very positive or encouraging a start at first read. Please bear with me for a while and I shall I explain. 

I haven't properly blogged for a few years. There are many reasons for this, some of which I am not at liberty to discuss. Others I have mentioned in another short blog about grief. On top of this I have been taking a very long, hard look at my life. I started this blog ten years ago. The url and original blog name is "What Is Love?"  That is another subject I have previously discussed at length and have written countless poetry on the subject. Good, bad and indifferent.

I had a birthday in lockdown a few days ago (I turned 53, though still, in my head, I am thirty something), and I am also classed as shielded. For those not in the UK that means I have certain medical problems that would seriously complicate my situation should I catch Coronavirus. It was a strange, but lovely day.

These ten weeks in lockdown have given me much time to think.  I also shaved my hair off!! 

Last year I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD. Dissociative Identity Disorder and Generalised Anxiety Disorder. This diagnosis was by an expert in the field. Not everyone likes to be labeled as having a mental health issue. Many feel a benefit from having a diagnosis. For me however, the above diagnoses were a relief. I have been wrongly diagnosed and thus received incorrect treatment for a very long time. I understand that diagnosing mental health issues is not an exact science.  At 21 I was diagnosed as having Psychotic Neuroses. I was partly to blame for I had not disclosed the traumatic injuries I received in childhood.

I am now working under professional, medical supervision, at reducing many of the medications I have been prescribed. Several of these have had very unpleasant side effects and some have clashed with others. I am on a slow detox..

I have been told, and have also assumed via my own research, that the diagnoses above applied to me. I have written of such several times. Too many people with mental health disorders related to trauma are still incorrectly diagnosed. I sincerely hope that changes over the next few years.  Sadly the NHS does still not fully recognise CPTSD as a condition in it's own right.

It could be said, as the song goes, that since lockdown many feel “Mama We’re All Crazee Now..” 

So.. Moving forwards in a backwards direction, I intend to finish the second book in the Beyond Survivor Trilogy which is co-written with the wonderful Canadian therapist Donna Bailey. "Phoenix Warriors - Beyond The Ashes of Childhood Sexual Abuse" with @26PeacockLady will be released later this year. Due to certain agreements I am having to rewrite certain segments and also replace others in their entirety.  Following that, will be my third and final book written as a "survivor".  It will follow a similar format to my first book and the working title is "A Phoenix in Flight". 

I have never made much money as an author. Since my first book was self published, it took a very long time to break even.  What little profit there has been has been put into other mental health projects. Making money or becoming famous etc has never been my aim. My intent was always to share what I had learnt, to try and help others through my own experiences and my own methods of coping and "surviving". 

Personally I have much planned beyond that. The groundwork for which is currently already being laid.  A huge part of that has been learning to accept and love myself, as me. I have other writing projects underway which will be written under a pen name/pen names. There will be a crossover of sorts, as some of the topics are ways to reduce anxiety, methods of meditating, making the most of your inner potential etc. The big change is that these will all be under a Pagan umbrella. They will not necessarily be written from the perspective of someone who was once a victim. They will be written by a man who has embraced Paganism his entire adult life and has found purpose, love, and peace at last.  A man that accepts his sexuality, a man that accepts himself, a man who is finally learning that he is enough, just as he is.  

Ref. Sexuality.. It is something I struggled with for decades. I have lived with, and loved, partners of both sexes. The labeling of sexuality is something that I am unhappy about. I accept that I am me. If I had to use a label I would prefer PanSexual. As a male victim, I could not be sure, if I had not been subjected to transgressive homosexuality (by paedophiles), what my sexuality may be. Whatever the past, whatever water has passed under the bridge, I am me. I like me. I really am enough, just as I am.

I also have a few fiction books to finish and set loose on the world. I have spent decades writing. It's time I sorted it all out and just get it done.

My new works will obviously have new websites etc as it is important to me to keep them mostly separate. I am not hiding one from the other, I am not ashamed of any aspect of who I am and what my life has been. 

Stay tuned and stay safe!

8 comments: said...

Well put, and well written... Detoxing from numerous medicines will help immensely; Both in your daily wellbeing and your productivity.
I look forward to reading your new works. Cheers.

Jude Bernard said...

As you write metal health disorders are not always easy to diagnose, it takes time and patience. Medication, especially when they are over lapping complicates matters worse with both mental and physical effects and not always for the best. Congratulations on turning a new page.

Maria Barrow said...

So good diagnoses have been reached. A label sometimes helps you build a coping strategy. A good time for a new start. Say goodbye to old times and bring in the new. Who says we need a new year for resolutions? Well done.

Anonymous said...

Jan, your are like a fine wine; you were young and fruity and definitely palatable. Now however you are refined, full-bodied and only those with a full appreciation and have the patience to wait, truly benefit from the distinguished flavour of a beautiful vintage. xxx

Luke Evans said...

Ján, I have known you some fifteen years. You’ve always been a fighter. Your compassion and loyalty did not go unnoticed. Your frequently selfless friendship and love have seen so many others through troubled times. This is now your time my friend. Embrace it with all that you have.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Very well written and obviously from the heart. Good to hear that you are thinking positively at such a difficult time and this must be an inspiration to others. I look forward to reading all the new material. Love from Sicily

Anonymous said...

Wow! Thank you for sharing some of your story so vulnerably, openly and courageously. There are many threads of hope for us all in your experience and your healing journey.

Anonymous said...

sad that, we we will always be like that, trying to survive, dealing with depression and anxiety,yet the ppl who did that to us , living a normal life, sad that i will always remember and be affected by what happened in my childhood,sad that i will never be happy , some times i just think i should give up surviving and die


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