Friday 31 January 2014

The Joys Of Living.. #childabuse #survivor

Most of my life has been spent bouncing off one wall or another. Never sure of what I wanted or what my role in this existence was. No surprise with hindsight considering the D.I.D I suppose. I wanted to do several things, but the trouble was I seemed to want them at the same time. Part of me also got bored very easily and didn’t want what I thought I wanted. Makes sense? No? Try living it.

My indecisiveness, obsessiveness and "mood swings" probably made a lot of people unhappy, or just plain angry... I am deeply sorry if that was the case.

Mine was/is a mental illness born out of a primeval need to survive. The term mental illness scares a lot of people, in others the sufferer is seen as an object of ridicule and derision. My mind fractured in order to preserve the whole. By becoming many, as in a herd, if a few were lost or damaged the main herd survived.

Thanks to some amazing therapists and the love and unflinching support of my family I can now live an almost "normal" life. Getting to know other survivors has also been a life changing experience. Knowing that I was not alone; that I wasn't to blame strengthened my resolve.

There is life after abuse, maybe not always perfect, but whose life is..

Becoming Beyond Survivor has not been easy, but it's a place and person I'm very proud to be. I cannot change or undo what was done to me, but I can put it into perspective most of the time now. By into perspective I mean in the past.

There are still those who share a tie of blood with me that wish me ill, that still cause grief when they can. Those people don't matter to me,, they are of no consequence.

The demons that I have lived with have left their mark, but they rarely bother me now. When they do I have the knowledge, the power and the tools to deal with them.
So often in the past I hated being alive, dreading each day. Being in the dark about what was "wrong" made it much worse. I hated who I was, eventually risking my own health with my behavior and piling on weight in order to protect myself.

Eighteen years ago I collapsed at work, in agony with back pain. I was eventually diagnosed with spina bifida occulta. At the time I was working two jobs and living a very busy life.

In my twenties I took care of myself, kept myself fit and trim. After the diagnosis at twenty eight I sort of fell to pieces. Back then I was unaware of the D.I.D etc, but with hindsight I can see I was also mentally all over the place. My weight almost doubled over a year or two; I drank heavily and generally didn't care. I became deeply depressed, suicidal, and was prescribed Prozac and after that caused bad reactions sleeping pills and other antidepressants.

I've always known that I'd been abused as a child, a few memories not hidden by my sub conscience. The childhood abuse went on for over a decade. The memory of a later rape in my mid teens came back to me in my late twenties but I tried to downplay it.

I didn't know until my early forties the extent of the abuse. By that time my health was a disaster area, my weight was still very unhealthy and I still drank too much. Today I'm on a diet. I don't drink much and I've started exercising.

 My mental health has improved beyond recognition so it's now time to get the rest of me sorted.

Oh... And I'm writing again!

I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I'm a male survivor! Today I thrive.

I want to live. I want to be healthy. I deserve to.

Wednesday 8 January 2014

Onwards and Upwards #childabuse #survivors

Life - Don't let it get you down because you won't get out alive..

2013 wasn't a great year I must admit. It didn't start off very well thanks to some poison pen comments from pathetic little minds. That period did teach me something however, and I would like to thank the writer for that. It taught me to believe in myself, to believe in my memories and to allow myself to be more of a willow than an oak.

I have lived.many lives over the last four and a half decades. I've had many falls and have had to reinvent myself and start anew in order to survive. Having D.I.D saved me life, and in the long run it saved my sanity. There are, no doubt, those out there that doubt I have any sane thoughts at all! It's a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind then it doesn't matter. Those warped individuals that have hurt me in my life don't matter either. Life's too short to let small minded idiots get in the way of my continuing healing journey.

I am thankful to those amongst you that have kept in regular contact, even though my personal blog posts have been few and far between. Many understood that I was dealing with my demons and offered support. They also understood  that my silences spoke much louder than any words (written or spoken)

Last year brought the subject of childhood sexual abuse to a much wider audience thanks to some high profile cases. It's very important to remember that most abuse goes unreported and can happen in any neighbourhood. Those that abuse know no boundaries.

I am sad that a few "friends" walked away during the year. They no doubt had their reasons. My door is always open...

I am looking forward to 2014 being a positive and productive time. Hopefully I can continue to bring about better awareness regarding issues that surround not only fellow male survivors, but all survivors of abuse. Together, united, we can and we will make a difference.


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