Sunday, 24 May 2020

I Am ME - That IS Enough. #mindfulness

Moving Forwards in a Backwards Direction. 

That doesn't really sound very positive or encouraging a start at first read. Please bear with me for a while and I shall I explain. 

I haven't properly blogged for a few years. There are many reasons for this, some of which I am not at liberty to discuss. Others I have mentioned in another short blog about grief. On top of this I have been taking a very long, hard look at my life. I started this blog ten years ago. The url and original blog name is "What Is Love?"  That is another subject I have previously discussed at length and have written countless poetry on the subject. Good, bad and indifferent.

I had a birthday in lockdown a few days ago (I turned 53, though still, in my head, I am thirty something), and I am also classed as shielded. For those not in the UK that means I have certain medical problems that would seriously complicate my situation should I catch Coronavirus. It was a strange, but lovely day.

These ten weeks in lockdown have given me much time to think.  I also shaved my hair off!! 

Last year I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD. Dissociative Identity Disorder and Generalised Anxiety Disorder. This diagnosis was by an expert in the field. Not everyone likes to be labeled as having a mental health issue. Many feel a benefit from having a diagnosis. For me however, the above diagnoses were a relief. I have been wrongly diagnosed and thus received incorrect treatment for a very long time. I understand that diagnosing mental health issues is not an exact science.  At 21 I was diagnosed as having Psychotic Neuroses. I was partly to blame for I had not disclosed the traumatic injuries I received in childhood.

I am now working under professional, medical supervision, at reducing many of the medications I have been prescribed. Several of these have had very unpleasant side effects and some have clashed with others. I am on a slow detox..

I have been told, and have also assumed via my own research, that the diagnoses above applied to me. I have written of such several times. Too many people with mental health disorders related to trauma are still incorrectly diagnosed. I sincerely hope that changes over the next few years.  Sadly the NHS does still not fully recognise CPTSD as a condition in it's own right.

It could be said, as the song goes, that since lockdown many feel “Mama We’re All Crazee Now..” 

So.. Moving forwards in a backwards direction, I intend to finish the second book in the Beyond Survivor Trilogy which is co-written with the wonderful Canadian therapist Donna Bailey. "Phoenix Warriors - Beyond The Ashes of Childhood Sexual Abuse" with @26PeacockLady will be released later this year. Due to certain agreements I am having to rewrite certain segments and also replace others in their entirety.  Following that, will be my third and final book written as a "survivor".  It will follow a similar format to my first book and the working title is "A Phoenix in Flight". 

I have never made much money as an author. Since my first book was self published, it took a very long time to break even.  What little profit there has been has been put into other mental health projects. Making money or becoming famous etc has never been my aim. My intent was always to share what I had learnt, to try and help others through my own experiences and my own methods of coping and "surviving". 

Personally I have much planned beyond that. The groundwork for which is currently already being laid.  A huge part of that has been learning to accept and love myself, as me. I have other writing projects underway which will be written under a pen name/pen names. There will be a crossover of sorts, as some of the topics are ways to reduce anxiety, methods of meditating, making the most of your inner potential etc. The big change is that these will all be under a Pagan umbrella. They will not necessarily be written from the perspective of someone who was once a victim. They will be written by a man who has embraced Paganism his entire adult life and has found purpose, love, and peace at last.  A man that accepts his sexuality, a man that accepts himself, a man who is finally learning that he is enough, just as he is.  

Ref. Sexuality.. It is something I struggled with for decades. I have lived with, and loved, partners of both sexes. The labeling of sexuality is something that I am unhappy about. I accept that I am me. If I had to use a label I would prefer PanSexual. As a male victim, I could not be sure, if I had not been subjected to transgressive homosexuality (by paedophiles), what my sexuality may be. Whatever the past, whatever water has passed under the bridge, I am me. I like me. I really am enough, just as I am.

I also have a few fiction books to finish and set loose on the world. I have spent decades writing. It's time I sorted it all out and just get it done.

My new works will obviously have new websites etc as it is important to me to keep them mostly separate. I am not hiding one from the other, I am not ashamed of any aspect of who I am and what my life has been. 

Stay tuned and stay safe!

Sunday, 17 May 2020

Forever Beautiful To Me #poetry

No sight
of any wonders
of the world,
no beautiful thing,
not anything,
could mean as much
as to see your face
look gently at me again,
no beautiful sound
could mean as much
as to hear you speak
softly to me again.
Since I lost you,
now I look
at what else
once seemed beautiful
and compared to you
it all seems dead,
lacking something
of what it once had,
compared to you,
and I would trade
all else that is beautiful
simply to know you,
so I can love you,
near to me again.
Without you near again,
everything else
that is beautiful
seems only a theory,
an aesthetic,
applied principles,
some abstractions,
resemblance to ideas,
a technical question,
but nothing really
really beautiful.
You would always be
more beautiful
to me.

Saturday, 9 May 2020

The Truth - I am glad I am leaving #Domestic Violence #MenToo

The Truth Be Hidden
Like a wave of stinging bees
a vast maw spews forth
its delivery of denigration,
staccato sticks and stones
hurled with venomous vigour
in machine gun frenzy
the leaden poison bullets
hitting the heart hard
jerking the soul strings
wearing thin with insult,
acidity dripping and dissolving
corroding their commitment
polarisation pulsing into view
building walls ever higher
cemented by hatred
surely it is not meant?
where is the commitment,
the shining example?
replaced by petty point-scoring
and manifestations malignant
boiling in intensity fermented
showering ears with barbed comment
eyes roll and look for deliverance
ever stalled like praise
a poised viper waiting
to spring with pent-up
bitterness an addiction always
everyone else wrong, always
an excuse for adrenaline fix
of abuse, a tirade of blame
heaped like so much shit
on their shoulders, broadened
by years of this manic seque
the mind of a seeming harridan
being called forth all too often
channelling its primal negativity
pounding, pounding, demanding
submission the only solution
that is unless you leave.

Though knowing that even in the
 leaving, my escape will be considered betrayal.

Saturday, 2 May 2020

Guest Bloggers Wanted! #childabuse #survivors #csa #cse #malevictims #malesurvivors


I'm very proud of this blog. It has become a resource to others as well as being my place to share my experiences, introduce survivor friends to my audience and have the occasional rant!

 I'm looking for guest posts on the following topics.

Child Abuse
Male Survivors
Alt Therapy
Coping skills/mechanisms
Survivor Poetry

Please contact me through this blog or via Twitter @Beyond_Survivor if you are interested.

Any length of post is fine and it can be anonymous if required.

Thank you again for taking time out of your lives to read this blog and for the amazing support you give me.

Submissions can also to be sent to

Paedophiles and their supporters may not submit...

The post can be anonymous if you prefer. If you are happy to be yourself then you can also include photos, links to yourself on social media and your own website.

My aim is to make this blog a comprehensive resource for other survivors and also to promote awareness regarding all aspects of being a survivor of abuse. Speaking out and sharing our experiences is a great way to both help ourselves in our healing journey and to help others to understand us better.

Many thanks for your interest!



Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...