Monday, 28 November 2011

Blue Christmas...

Christmas is coming...... I have always loved Christmas, the build up, the sharing, time with friends and family. Almost every year as an adult I end up depressed....

It has improved over the last few years. Acknowledging the fact it exists, and then sharing that knowledge is so important. I know now the reasons why I struggle over Christmas.. A need to please, wanting everything to go well, I plan and prepare and plot too much. The grandfather was born on Christmas Day... That used to really bug me. Gifts I received for Christmas used to vanish soon afterwards and I'd get the blame. In truth he sold them to pay for his Whisky habit...

I almost got into that "habit" myself as an adult. Drink was such an easy escape, then mornings came and feelings of guilt, shame and the hangover. I hid this for years. It was always worse at Christmas. Now I enjoy an occasional drink, but stick to the milder varieties and rarely get drunk.

I spent a couple of Christmases totally alone, not seeing anyone. I hated it and now if I hear of anyone spending the day alone I invite them over. Christmas is no time to be alone.

‘Tis the season to be jolly..... Apparently December is not only the month where depression is most likely to hit you but it also has the highest rate of suicides. It’s the month where family and friends should be getting together, where you plan your Christmas and decorate the home etc.

Many things can trigger deeper depression in December...

Loneliness, bereavement and grieving, failed business or loss of a job. The breakup of a relationship. Ill health generally.  All likely to set you on the road to depression at any time, but worse at this time of year.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D) adds to the equation. I love Christmas but hate the short days and cold wet weather..

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

Coping with depression is bad enough, but trying to do so when everyone else is extra happy makes it harder to reach out, to ask for help. We don't want to stand out from the crowd so instead we cut ourselves off. Not wanting to drag others down into our depression we stand alone, and watch from the sidelines.
Instances of depression are higher in those who have suffered trauma in their earlier lives. At a time of year where people are getting together to celebrate, those with depression are most likely to feel more isolated. Unable to join in, to embrace the season of good will, they sink further and further into a pit of gloom.
Alone in crowd. I have often felt most lonely when there are people hustling and bustling around me, laughing and joking. Not wanting to spoil their festive fun I would either paint a false smile on my face or just vanish into the shadows. Christmas can be a very stressful time for anyone. For those prone to depression it can be a nightmare.

Though there has been more publicity over the issue of Christmas depression in recent years, it is still not understood. The most important thing you can do is tell someone how you feel. Reach out before the season starts and share. Communication is much easier now. Social media and the internet generally helps bring people together. Telephone someone, talk to someone. See your Doctor or Priest, just don't sit at home alone. There is no shame in admitting that you get depressed and you may be suprised to find others feeling the same way. All to often those who find themselves getting depressed do nothing about it.
Depression can deeply affect your life. It can sneak up and disrupt your work, your home life, your health generally and can lead you to neglect those around you that need you well. Grab a hold of the problem and do something about it.The most important thing is to reach out, ask for help, talk to someone.

Don't let depression destroy your Christmas or that of those around you. The power to do something about it is in your hands. Do you want to become another statistic? Please remember there is no shame in asking for help. This is the season of goodwill to all men and if Scrooge can do it then so can you. 

If you are prone to Christmas depression then reach out, tell someone. Seek help if needs be.
If you know someone who appears to be slipping into a depression or who always gets the winter blues reach out to them. It won't kill you and you might just save a life.

Be nice to yourself, be kind to yourself. The greatest gift is that of love so remember to love yourself too.

Forever Autumn

Friday, 25 November 2011

What indeed is love?

I strated this blog last year with a different aim in mind to what it became. The original name of the blog was "What Is Love?"....

During the early days the abuse issues had not resurfaced. When they did I devoted this blog to writing about abuse, survival, memories and later added in poetry on a wider subject matter.

So... Back to basics for this post.


It is probably the most written about topic ever.

Love is a many-splendored thing,
It's the April rose that only grows in the early spring,
Love is nature's way of giving a reason to be living,
The golden crown that makes a man a king.
Once on a high and windy hill,
In the morning mist two lovers kissed and the world stood still,
Then your fingers touched my silent heart and taught it how to sing,
Yes, true love's a many-splendored thing.

Indeed it possibly is. To say those three words "I Love You" can have so much affect. Being told it can also do the same.

I am going to write about Conditional and Unconditional love. Some say true love is and most certainly should be unconditional.  To love and be loved is the goal of the majority of people. How you love though can dramatically change the way it is perceived.

The problem of conditional love is most apparent in marriage or civil unions. In our current culture, a relationship is frequently a union of two independent people, sometimes fiercely independent, which turns into a power struggle, each of them asserting their respective "identities" and "rights." Love is related to the performance of the other person. Each seeks to achieve his or her goals with little emphasis on common goals. These may appear harsh statements, but think on it....

The aim should be in the joy of doing things, even simple things which anybody can do, for the person you love. It is particularly impressive when the act is one which the other person could easily have done for himself or herself. Rather than looking upon such events as sacrifices, they are investments in a happy relationship, not a loss of identity. Yes, there are problems: money, health, children's behavior, differences in taste. The old expression "give and take" applies, but it should be done not only with one's personal desires in mind, but also with the aim of helping the other person achieve his or her goals.

If I fell in love with you
would you promise to be true
And help me understand
'Cause I've been in love before
And I've found that love is more
That just holding hands
If I gave my heart to you
I must be sure from the very start
that you would love me more than her
If I trust in you, oh please
don't run and hide,
if I love you too, oh please
don't hurt my pride like her

Love for loves sake... To use love as a tool devalues it. Conditional love asks for something in return, it has a condition! This sort of love is distructive, it demands a price.

Unconditional love is love that is given without any "conditions" or demands.  This is a love that has no limits or boundaries, it does not possess, or dictate, or require a price. It is freely given without expectation. Hope yes, of being loved in return, but it is an almost selfless love.

Love me as though there were no tomorrow;
Take me out of this world tonight.
Take me; make me forget my sorrow,
So when I wake tomorrow, I'll know our love was right.
Kiss me as though it were now of never;
Teach me all that a heart should know.
Love me as though there were no tomorrow;
Oh my darling, love me; don't ever let me go.
Kiss me as though it were now or never;
Teach me all that a heart should know.
Love me as though there were no tomorrow;
Oh my darling, love me; don't ever let me go

Unconditional love is frequently referred to as true love. That which is given without thought or question. This "just love" is that of which many have written poems, songs and books. The love that fills the senses, lifts us up, spins us around and leaves us dizzy with its intensity.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

With Christmas a month away I will finish with this.... Maybe the greatest gift of love ever.

I'll protect you from the hooded claw
Keep the vampires from your door

Feels like fire
I'm so in love with you
Dreams are like angels
They keep bad at bay, bad at bay
Love is the light
Scaring darkness away, yeah
I'm so in love with you
Purge the soul
Make love your goal

The power of love
A force from above
Cleaning my soul
Flame on burn desire
Love with tongues of fire
Purge the soul
Make love your goal

I'll protect you from the hooded claw
Keep the vampires from your door
When the chips are down I'll be around
With my undying, death-defying
Love for you
Envy will hurt itself
Let yourself be beautiful
Sparkling love, flowers
And pearls and pretty girls
Love is like an energy
Rushin' rushin' inside of me

This time we go sublime
Lovers entwine-divine divine
Love is danger, love is pleasure
Love is pure-the only treasure
I'm so in love with you
Purge the soul
Make love your goal

The power of love
A force from above
Cleaning my soul
The power of love
A force from above
A sky-scraping dove
Flame on burn desire
Love with tongues of fire
Purge the soul
Make love your goal

I'll protect you from the hooded claw
Keep the vampires from your door

Monday, 21 November 2011


                                                Your words are like knives
                                                compared to before,
                                                your anger arrives
                                                like an impending war

                                                Distantly absent
                                                are the things that you say,
                                                why are you so different

                                                The look in your eyes,
                                                The cast of your glance
                                                suddenly dies
                                                without a chance

                                                Why so discontented,
                                                Why don't you stay,
                                                why are you so different

                                                Killing my laughter,
                                                detaching my smile,
                                                it did never occur
                                                that you changed in a while

                                                That you actually meant
                                                to cause me dismay,
                                                why are you different

                                                Why are you different,
                                                kindless and vain
                                                with proven intent
                                                to stab me with pain

                                                How so ironic
                                                what you say is a lie,
                                                obsessively chronic
                                                in making me cry

                                                Why are you different,
                                                heartless and ill,
                                                so drastically bent
                                                unfriendly and chill

                                                You drowned me in woe
                                                and misunderstood
                                                that where ever you'd go
                                                I certainly would

                                                Why are you different
                                                than yesterday....

                                                Why are you so different

Saturday, 19 November 2011

Born this way...?

It's been a few weeks since I wrote at length. Much has happened, much in my life has changed, is still changing. I hate uncertainty....

Although I have not done much writing, I have been reading, researching, planning.

I've also had a great deal of time to think, not always a good thing...

Writing has always been important to me, it has given a release to emotions that have built up inside. Many have mocked this... What has amused me lately is that "expressive writing" is considered a therapy in it's own right. Spending 20-30 minutes a day, 4-5 days a week writing about your emotions, fears, desires etc can be hood for your health. Punctuation and grammar are not important. Write what is inside you, let it flow. Tell your darkest secrets, biggest fears, get them out in the open.

When you have done this then what you do with what you have written is up to you. Delete it, burn in, share it or save it. The important thing is to get is out of your system. It may take several attempts, several weeks to finally "cleanse", but I know from my own experiences it can work.

As I have mentioned before, much of my writing will not make sense... A mix of poetry, prose and buried memories. Sometimes just one of these, other times a jumble. The style of writing changes with my moods, my emotions. Sometimes I just write to get what is bothering me "out of my system".

I have always had a tendency to bury my head in the sand... The eternal optimist... Things will get better on their own... Sharing my experiences on this blog is changing that. The last few weeks have been very difficult. The loss of my business (my livelihood and independence) shook me to my inner core. On top of that, the stress bubble burst and many things that had been affecting my health came to the fore. 40 days ago I chose to close my business down. For 40 days I have been lost.

My future is still uncertain. What to do, how to do it. Finances etc etc etc. What is clear is that I cannot wait for things to happen.

I hope to me more active on this blog and on my twitter account.

Thank you for sharing my journey.

Friday, 18 November 2011


Storms abound in my mind and all around me
Memories of what has been crash like thunder
The body remembers and reacts like lightning
Storms of yesterday combine with those of today

Tears fall like torrential rain, my mind collapses
I react, I strike out, words barbed with hate
The abuse continues, yet in a new guise
Winds howl, the past caught up and twisted.

A tornado of hate and spite shreds my being
Blame thrown at me like sharp daggers
They cut me, they maim me, I bleed
The future, that is now but the darkest night.

Fear, anger, my soul divided, my mind gone
The storms are destroying me, bit by bit
To have survived thus far, to now fall, fail
The final hurdle: Can I escape the storms...?

Thursday, 17 November 2011

My Castle

                                 I built this castle alone,
                                         placing each brick by
                                 The moat being dug by
                                         hand and filled with
                                 And when I finished with
                                         a fortress that no one could
                                         destroy -
                                 I walked away.

Friday, 11 November 2011


blurred images, fragmented and
scattered, helpless to overcome
them as I was overcome
these broken images of my soul
condemn me, damning me for
that which I was unable to change
once again grieving the loss of
myself relentlessly questioning
how many times one can suffer thus
and continue crying and breathing
and cutting and bleeding
mourn the loss, this shard of your soul
turned against you, to pierce you
then plunged into the silent abyss,
the whispered terror of this hatred


Wednesday, 9 November 2011


The cold fingers of the night, close my eyes
it is time to fall asleep, time to forget the world that is burning,
time to step aside, let the dreams lift me high
to the seventh heaven of unconciousness
my ego broken in the refreshing waters of sleep.

I would not mind, dying in the night
if I was taken silently, like the dry wind picks the mist
from the flower of a rose, to be part of the blue
going on and on, forever my love
together at last, we would be.

Monday, 7 November 2011


I had no harsh November snows to compare
No marshalled wheat mowed down to fall
You were my ending to sunshine and fair skies
My summer rain and this is all

There is no lie in loneliness
It expresses itself as plainly as the air
I breathed you in and you made me bloom
And then suddenly, without warning you were not there.

My summer greys and pales in Junes,
Where once was song, I cannot sing.
All is autumn leaves' falling death
I have no breath for Spring.

Saturday, 5 November 2011

Tony Thompson - Invocation of the Love Goddess

A beautiful tune played by talented luthier Tony Thompson on one of his own creations. Truly inspirational

And death do us part

                    The trees, flowers, love, and sadness.
                    A tree flaps open its leaves to please mother nature,
                    A rose opens to breathe some fresh air.
                    A ripe fruit provides you the pleasure
                    to taste the sweetness of love.
                    The birds sing a mating song.
                    April showers, shower you with clear water from the sky.
                    A girl and a boy find their shelter from the pouring rain.
                    Love finds them, embrace finds them,
                    They spend all their days together
                    under the same tree
                    where they first met, not long ago.
                    The singing bird finds a mate,
                    He builds a home for his bride up high on the love tree
                    Which shelters from the rain.
                    While the bird and his bride,
                    The boy and the girl find love without any trouble
                    The sky was crying down on them.
                    He's trying to say, I'm hurting with a pain that aches
                    deep down to the depth of my soul.
                    I can't find any happiness on this spring day, said Sky.
                    I only see a boy and a girl under the happy tree
                    shelter from the rain.
                    They are safe from danger and never know how long
                    they will be together or tragedy arrives to destroy!
                    I warn you, please find happiness somewhere else
                    I just don't want to see tears on any ones' face,
                    And death do us part.

Thursday, 3 November 2011


I sit here and gaze out across the sea
The wind playing through my hair
I wish and I wonder if it's possible
That vision of you and me.

Through my life I knew you were there
Waiting in your own shadows, hiding
On Austens tide you will ride in,
Your ship battered and broken.

I hear the waves crash on the rocky shore
And happy voices are all around
I'll do whatever I can to be with you
To walk along the beach hand in hand

So I will wait for that "someday"
And see what tomorrow will bring
As the sun sets across this land
I'll continue loving you come what may.


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