The Sexual Abuse Of Males - Possible Lasting Effects

This section provides some basic information on the complexity of this issue, then reviews research on long-term effects of childhood sexual abuse in men's lives. At the end of this section, several articles and books are listed along with the symptoms and other effects. The complete citations for these articles and books, which you can get from libraries and bookstores, are in the next section of this page (Recommended Books and Articles).

Of course the sexual abuse of male children can lead to a variety of problems and suffering. But it's not that simple. My aim in this section is to provide some basic information that, while conveying the possible effects of the sexual abuse of males, helps people appreciate the complexity of this issue and avoid unnecessarily pessimistic beliefs.

Therefore, I will start with four basic points:

1. Being sexually abused is one of many painful and potentially damaging experiences that a human being may suffer in childhood.


2. Whether and to what extent child abuse and neglect (or other painful experiences) have negative effects depends on a variety of factors - related to the abuse itself, but also to relationships, in which the abuse and the child's responses occur.


3. Child abuse, in itself, does not "doom" people to lives of horrible suffering.


4. If a person has been sexually abused and experiences some of the problems or symptoms listed below, the abuse is not necessarily the primary (let alone only) reason for such suffering.

Child Abuse and the Human Condition

It is important to consider these issues in relation to what some people refer to as "the human condition." By this I mean:

• All human beings suffer painful experiences, and some of these occur in childhood.


• All caregivers of children are sometimes unable to protect them from painful experiences.


• We all need love and support to deal with the effects of painful experiences.


• Everyone must find ways to cope with the emotions generated by painful experiences - whether or not we get love and support from others.


• Many coping or self-regulation strategies work in some ways, but also limit people in other ways. For example:


• Ignoring painful feelings may reduce one's conscious experience of them. But it also prevents one from learning how to manage them in smaller doses, let alone larger ones - which makes one vulnerable to alternating between feeling little or no emotions and being overwhelmed and unable to cope with them.


• Avoiding getting close to people and trying to hide all of one's pain and vulnerabilities may create a sense of safety. But this approach to relationships leads to a great deal of loneliness, prevents experiences and learning about developing true intimacy and trust, and makes one vulnerable to desperately and naively putting trust in the wrong people and being betrayed again.


• At the extreme, getting really drunk can block out painful memories and feelings, including the feeling of being disconnected from others - but cause lots of other problems and disconnections from people.


• Some people suffer more painful experiences than others, and abuse is one of many possible causes of extreme emotional pain (others include life-threatening illness, death of a loved one, physical disfigurement, etc.).


• Some people get more love and support from their families and friends than others, and families in which abuse occurs tend to provide less of the love and support needed to recover from abuse. But families in which abuse does not happen can also experience significant problems, and can make it hard for family members to deal with the inevitable painful experiences in life.
• Finally, because everyone needs caring relationships and love, emotional neglect can be more devastating than abuse, particularly in the earliest years of life.

The Effects of Child Abuse Depend on a Variety of Factors

We have learned from many people's experiences and a great deal of research that the effects of abuse and neglect depend on a variety of factors. Below I group these effects into those which research has shown to influence negative outcomes, and a variety of other factors that are harder to measure for research purposes and/or may be very important for some people but not others.

Factors research has shown to influence the effects of abuse:

• Age of the child when the abuse happened.  Younger is usually more damaging, but different effects are associated with different developmental periods.


• Who committed the abuse.  Effects are generally worse when it was a parent, step-parent or trusted adult than a stranger.


• Whether the child told anyone, and if so, the person's response.  Doubting, ignoring, blaming and shaming responses can be extremely damaging - in some cases even more than the abuse itself.


• Whether or not violence was involved, and if so, how severe.


• How long the abuse went on.

Additional factors that are difficult to research or may differ in significance for different people:

• Whether the abuse involved deliberately humiliating the child.


• How "normal" such abuse was in the extended family and local culture.


• Whether the child had loving family members, and/or knew that someone loved her or him.


• Whether the child had some good relationships - with siblings, friends, teachers, coaches, etc.


• Whether the child had relationships in which "negative" feelings were acceptable, and could be expressed and managed safely and constructively.

Some of these factors are about how severe the abuse was, and some are about the relational context of the abuse and the child's reactions. Both types of factors are extremely important.

A great deal of research has been conducted, and continues to be conducted, on how such factors determine outcomes for those abused in childhood. Factors that increase the likelihood of negative outcomes have been referred to as "risk factors," and ones that decrease the likelihood of negative outcomes as "protective factors." Every person who has experienced abuse is unique. And every person who has experienced abuse has a unique combination of risk and protective factors that have influenced, and continue to influence, the effects in his or her life.

In summary, it is important to appreciate that these issues are very complex, and to be familiar with how abuse and neglect can - depending on a variety of other factors - affect various aspects of a person's life. Keep this in mind as you search the web for information and understanding about the effects of child abuse.

Potential Long-Term Effects of the Sexual Abuse of Males

This section lists potential, but not inevitable, lasting effects of the sexual abuse of male children. It should not be read as a "laundry list" of problems and symptoms that necessarily follow the sexual abuse of males, nor does the presence of any in males with sexual abuse histories necessarily mean the abuse is their primary cause. (See above.)

Findings on the long-term effects of child sexual abuse in males have been more consistent than those on prevalence. Methodologies for detecting problems and symptoms that could be outcomes are relatively straightforward, and many studies have utilized standardized measures that are widely accepted in the field.

First, I want to recommend a paper by David Lisak, Ph.D. This paper contains many powerful quotations from interviews with male survivors of sexual abuse. Lisak groups the quotations into themes, and discusses them with remarkable insight and compassion. The themes are:

• Anger
• Fear
• Homosexuality Issues
• Helplessness
• Isolation and Alienation
• Legitimacy
• Loss
• Masculinity Issues
• Negative Childhood Peer Relations
• Negative Schemas about People
• Negative Schemas about the Self
• Problems with Sexuality
• Self Blame/Guilt
• Shame/Humiliation

One man emailed me to share this experience: "reading [Lisak's article] was the first time I realized that other people have the same issues I have. I sat in the library and cried when I read that article. Not the usual reaction to scholarly research, but I'm sure Prof. Lisak wouldn't mind" (used with permission).

Lisak, D. (1994). The psychological impact of sexual abuse: Content analysis of interviews with male survivors. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 7, 525-548.

Using standardized measures of symptoms, researchers have found that men who were sexually abused in childhood, whether or not they seek out mental health services, may suffer from:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Dissociation
• Hostility and anger
• Impaired relationships
• Low self-esteem
• Sexual dysfunction
• Sleep disturbance
• Suicidal ideas and behavior

SOURCE Jim Hooper 

Child sex abuse victims' vulnerability must not be barrier to justice

Vulnerability among child sex abuse victims should no longer be a barrier to justice, the director of public prosecutions, Keir Starmer QC, has declared as he unveiled new guidelines for handling cases.

Victims will in future be told that other complaints have been made against suspects "to strengthen their resolve to continue with the criminal process".

Detectives and prosecutors will also be reminded that "reluctance to co-operate with those in authority, failure to report allegations of abuse swiftly" and providing inconsistent accounts are not uncommon patterns of behaviour for child sex abuse victims.

The new guidelines are a joint response by the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) and police to the investigation into Jimmy Savile and a series of high-profile child sex grooming cases.

"Vulnerability can no longer be a barrier to justice and I want to see prosecutors actively challenging any misconceptions a jury might have," Starmer announced.

Chief Constable Dave Whatton, the police's leading officer on violence and public protection, said: "This consultation is a moment to reflect on how we can deliver the best for victims of child sexual abuse."

The CPS currently takes to court between 4,000 and 5,000 cases of child sex abuse a year. Around 75% result in convictions.

The new guidelines could result in a flood of new cases entering the criminal justice system. A joint police/CPS panel has been established to consider complaints about past cases where either prosecutors or detectives declined to continue with investigations. The panel is already looking at claims by four individuals.

The new CPS guidelines will require all child sex abuse cases to be dealt with by specialists in rape and serious sexual offences. There will be earlier consultation on cases between the police and CPS.

Victims will be given more support. "There is no bar to a victim seeking pre-trial therapy or counselling and neither police nor prosecutors should prevent therapy taking place prior to a trial," the guidelines state.

On informing victims about suspects, they say: "There is no rule which prevents victims being told that they are not the only ones to have made a complaint of abuse.

"Victims can be told that the suspect has been the subject of complaints by others. Doing so may strengthen their resolve to continue their engagement with the criminal process. But this should usually only be done after the victim's account has been given, and details of other allegations should not be disclosed."

Source 

Social Vampirism: The Needy Personality

Needy types are people who drain your energy because they constantly require your attention, affection, or affirmation. In fact, they are desperate for any type of support you can give them.

They are generally demanding of your time and effort, and thus it is tiring to be around them. If you ignore or avoid them, they will be hurt by your rejection, and may get frantic, desperate or spiteful.

Few needy types are aware of just how much of a drain they are on others. Most would not care. Needy types are ultimately selfish. Their needs come first. No matter how caring or loving they seem, your desires and concerns are secondary issues for them. In fact, their neediness blinds them to the needs of others. If they do give of themselves, there is generally a price to pay, namely they will obligate you into returning their favors, by making sure you never forget their generosity. 
The needy type has an overwhelming anxiety regarding rejection. They are sensitive to any indication that someone is withdrawing their attention from them. The needy type will view people who ignore them with intense dismay. They will try to change such a person's opinion by falling over themselves to please them. But if such attempts fail they get bitter, and even nasty. For the needy person those who ignore them are enemies. They will be obsessed about such individuals, often bad-mouthing them to others.

There are a number of reasons why people become so needy for love and attention. Most needy types either did not have sufficient emotional nurturing in childhood, or had too much! It is easy to see that if a person is reared by cold, unresponsive parents they will be denied a basic need in childhood, and never grow past the stage of needing to have their worth confirmed. A needy person is in an arrested stage of development, still looking desperately for the emotional support they lacked in their younger years. People who grow up without the presence of their parents, in institutions for example, often have issues related to worth confirmation as adults.

It is interesting that those who get too much nurturing, who are reared by a compulsively doting parent, can also turn out to be needy. Despite the indulgence, the parent is too busy fulfilling their own needs agenda to pay attention to what the child actually wants. The child is taught to repress what they really feel, and to satisfy the expectations of their caregiver. The latter uses emotional blackmail: "I'll give you all the loving you want, but I must always remain the center of your universe. You must nurture me constantly in return." The child's actual needs and desires get lost in this equation.

The doting parent teaches the child to become dependant on the care and attention of others. The child isn't given an opportunity to assert their needs, and make their own way in the world. They are not taught to be strong, to trust their own feelings, and to have confidence in themselves. The child is not given the opportunity to make mistakes or take responsibility for their actions. In short, the child does not come to know their own value, and to develop an inner evaluation of themselves. They continue to look for confirmation of their worth through others.

Needy parents make their kids needy. They make their children dependant on them to satisfy their own need for love and nurturing. They cling to the child, and are actually supremely selfish through this attitude. When it comes time for the child to emotionally detach from the parent, they sabotage this initiative by promoting fear (you are not strong enough; it's a harsh world) or guilt (I have no one to look after me; after all I've done for you...). The child never becomes self-sufficient as an adult, particularly on an emotional level.

We all get needy at certain points in our life. There are days when we feel especially vulnerable. There are times when we crave encouragement, when we need to vent our feelings, or when we just require someone to tell us how special or wonderful we are. Nothing is wrong with that. But if we require such a confirmation continuously, and from every person we meet, then we have a neurotic need. If we become outraged or hurt every time someone fails to pay attention to us, then we are caught in a neurotic struggle that can bring us only suffering.

There are a number of features that define neurotic neediness. It is firstly insatiable. No matter how much confirmation or praise you give the needy person, the next day they will demand the same all over again. They seem to have an infinite need for approval. This has aptly been described as a black hole or bottomless pit of need. The reason is that they won't stop needing affirmation until a fundamental inner transformation takes place. That is, until they love themselves!

Such an insatiable request for support makes needy types very frustrating to deal with. Their need is absolute. You just spent an afternoon reassuring them, and perhaps helping them with a problem. But a few days later you don't pay careful attention to their complaints because you are just too busy or tired. They will be disappointed, surprised or even dismayed that you deny them such attention. They see your behavior as a slight. You can support them till the cows come out, but the next day is like starting over.

Another feature of neurotic neediness is that it is driven by anxiety. The major fear is of rejection. Such a fear makes the neurotic behave irrationally. They will interpret events and actions in the context of this fear. They will frame your behaviors through the filter of their anxiety. Thus, whereas you pay less attention to them because you are busy, they believe (unconsciously) that you are bringing their worth into question. Perhaps you don't care about them any more. They quickly start to panic as a result.

A final feature of extreme neediness is lack of insight. Needy people are usually not aware of their neurotic tendencies, and would not even describe themselves as needy. Particularly if they are a martyr type, they will never admit to themselves that their behavior is inherently selfish. They expect something in return for their caring or helping behavior. They are manipulative, and will use guilt or emotional blackmail to get attention or praise. Yet they have no clue that their behavior is destructive, and that they are sneaky and deceitful in their dealings with people. 

Source

Humor As Weapon, Shield and Psychological Salve

Humor has long been recognized as more than mere fun and games. It presents an alternative means of expressing criticism about injustices, arrogance, pretentions or hypocrisies that can’t socially (or legally) be expressed otherwise.

Court jesters could say things to the royals “in jest” that others would have been beheaded for uttering. When King James I of England had trouble fattening up his horses, court jester Archibald Armstrong reportedly suggested that His Majesty make the horses bishops and they would fatten in no time.

Most people know that schadenfreude, defined as satisfaction or pleasure experienced as a result of the misfortunes of others, is of German origin. But most aren’t aware that “gallows humor” was also coined by the Germans. The original term,galgenhumor, has been traced to the 1848 revolutions and refers to cynical humor that derives from stressful or traumatic situations. Antonin Obrdlik said that “gallows humor is an index of strength or morale on the part of oppressed peoples,” and it has historically been associated with the persecuted and condemned.

An example of gallows humor can be seen in the Soviet-era joke in which two Russians debate who is greater, Joseph Stalin or Herbert Hoover. “Hoover taught the Americans not to drink,” says one. “Yes, but Stalin taught the Russians not to eat,” replies the other. Placing a comical spin on dire circumstances that are outside one’s control was an effective coping mechanism long before the Germans named the phenomenon, and continues to serve the oppressed, victimized and suffering today.

Gallows humor often is viewed as an expression of resilience and hope that has the power to soothe suffering. When the minority has few tools to combat an oppressive majority, gallows humor can be used as a sort of secret, subversive weapon. The danger that ridicule poses to those in power is captured by the Italian phrase Una risata vi seppellirà, which translates to “It will be a laugh that buries you.”

The fear of the weapon of humor was alive and well in Nazi Germany, and it was dangerous business. The legal code of the time reflected Joseph Goebbels’ interpretation of the political joke as “a remnant of liberalism” that threatened the Nazi state. Not only was joke-telling made illegal, but those who told jokes were labeled “asocial” – a segment of society frequently sent to concentration camps. Hitler’s second-in-command, Hermann Goering, referred to anti-Nazi humor as “an act against the will of the Fuehrer… and against the State and the Nazi Government,” and the crime was punishable by death. Article III, section 2 of the 1941 code (the Reichsgesetzblatt I) stated: “In cases where it is not specifically provided for, the death penalty will be imposed whenever the crime reveals an unusually low mentality or is especially serious for other reasons; in such cases the death penalty may also be imposed against juvenile criminals.” Since Nazi informants could be within earshot at any given moment, it was important to hold one’s tongue and suppress any witty desires. A Nazi prosecutor revealed that he determined the severity of punishment for a joke based on the following theory: “The better the joke, the more dangerous its effect, therefore, the greater punishment.”

In 1943, SS Commander Heinrich Himmler went even further in the fight against comical assaults on the Nazi authority when he issued an order making it a criminal act to name domesticated animals “Adolf.” Whereas all citizens living under Nazi rule were subject to these anti-humor laws, Jews were more likely to be sentenced to death while non-Jews typically received only brief prison terms or fines.
In Night, a memoir written by Elie Wiesel about his time in Auschwitz and Buchenwald concentration camps, the author discussed humor in the concentration camps and the macabre forms it took:

In Treblinka, where a day’s food was some stale bread and a cup of rotting soup, one prisoner cautions a fellow inmate against gluttony. “Hey Moshe, don’t overeat. Think of us who will have to carry you.”

The fact that humor persisted in and out of concentration camps during the Nazi era despite potentially harsh repercussions demonstrates the vital role it plays in human resilience and survival. The inherently soothing and reassuring qualities that gallows humor confers seem to create a buffer of sorts between the sufferer and the source of the suffering. Without this buffer, the pain would be unremitting – the sadistic intention of the Nazi regime. That is what made it worth risking everything for.

Concentration camp jokes reflected an acute awareness of the dire conditions and tragic fate that awaited its denizens. Since such an awareness would naturally produce a state of profound depression, the fact that it produced an opportunity for brief pleasure indicates that the jokes served to counteract the effects of depression. In much the same way that the release of white blood cells is the body’s natural means of combating an intruding infection, gallows humor and humor in general could be the natural psychological means of combating an intruding depression.

A study published in the December 4, 2003 issue of Neuron reported that humor has similar effects on the brain as drug-induced euphoria. Using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) scans, the researchers measured brain activity in 16 adults viewing funny versus non-funny cartoons. The brain scans indicated that humor not only stimulated the language processing centers of the brain, but also stimulated the reward centers, leading to the release of dopamine, a powerful neurotransmitter involved in the regulation of the pleasure-reward system.

Although laughter may seem impossible when immersed in the depths of depression, humor-based therapies may present a viable option for enhancing brain chemistry and regulating the pleasure-reward system. Some form of humor therapy could, therefore, potentially help recalibrate the pleasure-reward centers of the depressed and anxious.

Theorist Martin Armstrong, who wrote about the function of laughter in society, may have said it best when he wrote, “For a few moments, under the spell of laughter, the whole man is completely and gloriously alive: body, mind and soul vibrate in unison… the mind flings open its doors and windows… its foul and secret places are ventilated and sweetened.”

Source

Unspoken Voices via @UnspokenOrg

Unspoken Voices exists to give a voice to those who have lost the strength, will, or ability to speak out. This non-profit organization has been created to (I) give a voice to victim/survivors through empowerment, education, and advocacy; and (II) to give a voice to each of us, encouraging us to become active bystanders. We, as individuals and community members, have the ability to say that violence is not okay. That we will not accept violence as the norm and we, you, and I are going to use our voices to intercede, support, and protect each other, our families, and our communities.

To this end, Unspoken Voices has various ways of engaging the bystander and advocating for the victim/survivor. We do this through educational trainings, personal and community advocacy, creating and/or participating in various awareness events, and other measures. We are currently creating our second video made only from still shots. These photographs, usually seen in black and white, are brought together to make films, flyers, and posters. In each photo, individual(s) have chosen to lend their "voice" by writing or choosing a pre-written quote, statistic, or personal story about sexual, partner, domestic violence, and/or any other type of personal power based violence. These pictures and videos empower victim/survivors to share their stories in a safe and comfortable way. Through this, individuals have the opportunity to feel empowered and encouraged while simultaneously creating awareness about the enormity of violence in our culture.

Empowering Survivors of Personal Power-Based Violence

Unspoken Voices supports the Green Dot Strategy and the NO MORE Campaign. Both of these modalities combine awareness and action in an easy, empowering way. Join us in saying NO MORE to violence by an active bystander and creating your own GREEN DOTS.

No one has to do everything, but everyone has to do something. 

What's your Green Dot?

Contact us to learn more about our unique videos designed to empower survivors of 

Personal Power-Based Violence.

We are also more than happy to speak with you about awareness and educational events,

as well as other training opportunities and curriculum that we can provide.

Sexual Violence affects EVERYONE...regardless of gender.

UNSPOKEN VOICES HOME PAGE

The Sexually Assaulted Male

Sexual assault occurs when one person engages in sexual activity with another person, without the consent of the other individual. These acts can a be physical or verbal in nature.

Sexual assault can be perpetrated in various ways - it can involve strangers or people who know one another, individuals or groups of people. Positions of authority, blackmail, weapons, or drugs may be used to encourage the submission of the victim. In cases such as sexual harassment in the workplace, the victim is subjected to a hostile work environment with genderized standards and/or unwelcome sexual discourse.

It is important to remember that, no matter what the circumstances, sexual assault is never the fault or responsibility of the victim, no matter the gender.

Breaking Down Myths About Male Sexual Assault:

Myth: Men cannot be sexually assaulted by women.

Reality: Men are sexually assaulted by women (although most perpetrators of male sexual assault are men).

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Myth: Men cannot be sexually assaulted by men.

Reality: Men are sexually assaulted by other men, regardless of sexual orientation.

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Myth: Men cannot be sexually assaulted.

Reality: Men ARE sexually assaulted. Men of any sexual orientation, size, appearance, or strength can be sexually assaulted.

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Myth: Only gay men are sexually assaulted.

Reality: Heterosexual, bisexual, and gay men are equally likely to be sexually assaulted. It has nothing to do with sexual orientation.

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Myth: Only gay men sexually assault other men.

Reality: Most men who sexually assault other men identify themselves as straight. Sexual assault is about anger, violence, and control, not necessarily about lust or sexual attraction.

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Myth: Erections or ejaculation during a sexual assault means you consented to the assault, or "liked it."

Reality: Erection and ejaculation are physical responses to an assault (over which there is very little control), and these do not imply enjoyment or pleasure. However, these responses can confuse and manipulate a victim of sexual assault into the false believe that they did, in fact, consent to the experience. They did not.

How Common is Male Sexual Assault?

Rates of male sexual assault, similar to female sexual assault, are said to be grossly under-reported. In fact, it is believed that 10% of all sexual assault victims in the US are male (RAINN) and that 10-20% of all men will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime (www.mscasa.org). This number includes boys who are sexually assaulted in childhood. For more information aboutpreventing, detecting, and responding to childhood sexual assault please see the resources linked here.

In recent years, perhaps due to economic decline, reports of sexual assault on males have increased.

Male Sexuality

The issue of male sexual assault is complicated by society’s beliefs about male sexuality. Many people may believe that it is impossible for a man to be sexually abused due to their size and strength. This is absolutely untrue.

There is also a myth that all men enjoy all sexual contact, thus making the victim “lucky” to have engaged in sexual activity. This myth is particularly damaging and false.

Males who have experienced sexual abuse can sometimes respond in a physical way - by becoming erect , which can lead to feelings of guilt or shame. It should be noted that a physical response to abuse does not, in any way, indicate acceptance or willingness to participate in sexual activity. It is merely a physiological response to a stimulus.

These responses do not mean that the sexual activity was not assault and cannot be prosecuted as such.

Effects of Sexual Assault:

Men and boys who have been abused may experience any, all, or none of the following, in response to their abuse:

Decreased self-esteem, self-confidence, or development of negative body image

Feelings of shame, anger, guilt, and self-blame

Difficulties trusting others, especially those who share the gender of their abuser

Sexual difficulties

Difficulties with intimacy

Self-destructive impulses

Confusion or questions about sexual identity and masculinity

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

These issues can be effectively addressed with therapy. Men may be particularly unwilling to undergo therapy, believing that they can tough it out. Many men identify with the stereotypical strong, quiet man and don’t wish to call attention to their abuse; however, support is essentialfor the recovery of any sexual abuse victim, and therapy should be encouraged.

Certain medications may also be administered if the victim sufferers from disruptive mood disorders or trauma-related problems.

Unique Issues Faced By Male Sexual Assault Survivors:

Society wrongly denies that men get sexually assaulted. With the exception of a prison joke, most people don't even think about male sexual assault. When most people think of rape or sexual assault, they think of women. There's a stigma that "real men" can fight off any attacker or that men are immune to sexual assault - and the issue that most people think that men, due to the nature of erections, cannot be forced into sex. These stigmas allow for men to feel safe from sexual assault.

Until it happens to them.

It's really no wonder that men don't seek help or report sexual assault. The percentage of men who report sexual assault is less than 5% - because they feel shame, isolation, and like they're somehow "less of a man," if they admit to being sexually assaulted.

For guys, the idea of being a victim is hard to accept. I mean, guys grow up believing they can defend themselves against ANYTHING. Dudes are supposed to believe that they can fight - TO THE DEATH - something like an unwanted sexual advance. Those masculine feelings are deeply rooted for most men - which can lead to guilt, shame and inadequacy for male sexual assault survivors.

Lots of male sexual assault survivors question whether or not it WAS sexual assault. Maybe they wanted it! Maybe they deserved it! I mean, they did fail to defend themselves...right? Male sexual assault survivors often become disgusted with themselves for not fighting back. The feelings are normal of any rape survivor, but the thoughts are flawed. Men who've been assaulted were just doing the best they could to survive. There's NO shame in that.

Thanks to the guilt and shame spiral, a lot of male survivors punish themselves for the assault by engaging in self-destructive behavior. Drug or alcohol use and abuse. Picking fights. Social isolation. This is why male sexual assault survivors are at a higher risk for depression, work problems, and drug or alcohol addiction.

Sexual insecurities are common following a sexual assault are common. It may be hard to have sex or have a relationship with someone because any sexual contact may trigger a flashback. So if you've been the victim of male sexual assault, please just go easy on yourself and take some time to recover.

When heterosexual men are assaulted, they may question their sexuality, as though the assault may have made him gay, especially if the perpetrator accused the victim of enjoying himself. Sexual assault, though, is about power, anger, and control - not about sexuality. A sexual assault cannot "make someone gay."

Gay men who have been sexually assaulted may feel self-loathing and self-blame, as though their sexuality caused it. In fact, some sexual assaults ARE the result of gay-bashing, motivated by fear of homosexuals. Remember that NO ONE deserves to be sexually assaulted.

What To Do If You've Been Assaulted:

Men who have been sexually assaulted should first get to a safe place and then call a friend and/or the police for help. Victims should refrain from showering or otherwise destroying physical evidence that may help convict the offender.

Remember, victims are not to blame for the assault.

By raising awareness about the prevalence of male sexual assault, we have hope that more and more men will feel comfortable reaching out for the help they need and deserve after surviving sexual assault.

Reclaiming Your Life:

It's important for all male sexual assault survivors to remember that their feelings and reactions are both normal and temporary. Fear and confusion will lessen, but the trauma of a sexual assault may disrupt things awhile. Some feelings will happen out of the blue and are related to the sexual assault - you're not going crazy.

It's hard to want to talk about your feelings - you probably just want to get over it and move on with your life. Eventually, you'll have to deal with those feelings to heal and gain control of your life again. So talk to a friend, a therapist, a hotline counselor - anyone you trust - to work through those feelings. It's a key part of reclaiming your life after a sexual assault.

Remember - you won't be functioning 100% after the assault. It's normal to feel tired, forgetful or irritable - be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to feel how you feel.

Tips for Taking Care of Yourself:

Get some support. Find people who understand what you're feeling and those who love you just as you are. Don't isolate yourself.

• Engage in some hard exercise or some relaxation techniques.

• Talk about the assault - express your feelings. Doesn't have to be with everyone, just people you trust.

• Get some counseling.

• Remind yourself that you're safe now - no one can hurt you.

• Let out some of your anger in safe, healthy ways like writing or reading.

• Write a post for Band Back Together. Remember: you can be anonymous!

How To Help Someone Who Has Been Sexually Assaulted:

• First, get your friend or family member some medical help.

• Listen to him - don't judge him.

• Let him stay with you or offer to stay with him.

• Give some comfort.

• Suggest that he get some professional help.

• Don't offer quick-fix ideas for healing. They don't help.

• Accept his choices for dealing with the sexual assault.

• Get some counseling for yourself if you can't handle your own feelings.

Find More HERE Band Back Together

Characteristics of Abusers #DV #Abuse

Characteristics of Abusers

If the person you love or live with does these things, it’s time to get help:

• Keeps track of what you are doing all the time and criticizes you for little things.
• Constantly accuses you of being unfaithful.
• Prevents or discourages you from seeing friends or family, or going to work or school.
• Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs.
• Controls all the money you spend.
• Humiliates you in front of others.
• Destroys your property or things that you care about.
• Threatens to hurt you or the children or pets, or does cause hurt (by hitting, punching, slapping, kicking, or biting).
• Uses or threatens to use a weapon against you.
• Forces you to have sex against your will.
• Blames you for his/her violent outbursts.

Characteristics of Abusers...Warning signs of potential violence:

• Abuser pacing the floor
• Clenching/unclenching fists
• Facial expression (glaring)
• Shouting/yelling

Always be conscious of your own safety needs in all interactions involving an abusive person.  Do not meet privately with a violence-prone individual.  If you must do so, be sure someone is available close by in case you need help.

Abusers frequently have the following characteristics:

• Often blow up in anger at small incidents. He or she is often easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really very angry.
• Are excessively jealous: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser may claim that jealousy is a sign of his or her love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love.
• Like to isolate victim: He or she may try to cut you off from social supports, accusing the people who act as your support network of "causing trouble."
• Have a poor self-image; are insecure.
• Blame others for their own problems.
• Blame others for their own feelings and are very manipulative. An abusive person will often say "you make me mad", "you’re hurting me by not doing what I ask", or "I can’t help being angry".
• Often are alcohol or drug abusers.
• May have a family history of violence.
• May be cruel to animals and/or children. 
• May have a fascination with weapons.
• May think it is okay to solve conflicts with violence.
• Often make threats of violence, breaking or striking objects.
• Often use physical force during arguments.
• Often use verbal threats such as, "I’ll slap your mouth off", "I’ll kill you", or "I’ll break your neck". Abusers may try to excuse this behaviour by saying, "everybody talks like that". 
• May hold rigid stereotypical views of the roles of men and women. The abuser may see women as inferior to men, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.
• Are very controlling of others.  Controlling behaviours often grow to the point where victims are not allowed to make personal decisions.
• May act out instead of expressing themselves verbally.
• May be quick to become involved in relationships.  Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together.
• May have unrealistic expectations. The abuser may expect his or her partner to fulfill all his or her needs. The abusive person may say, “If you love me, I’m all you need- you’re all I need". 
• May use "playful" force during sex, and/or may want to act out sexual fantasies in which the victim is helpless.  
• May say things that are intentionally cruel and hurtful in order to degrade, humiliate, or run down the victim’s accomplishments.
• Tend to be moody and unpredictable. They may be nice one minute and the next minute explosive. Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of men who beat their partners.
• May have a history of battering: the abuser may admit to hitting others in the past, but will claim the victim “asked for” it.  An abuser will beat any woman he is with; situational circumstances do not make a person abusive.

How dangerous is the abuser? Assessing lethality in an abuse situation:

Some domestic violence is life threatening. All domestic violence is dangerous, but some abusers are more likely to kill than others and some are more likely to kill at specific times. The likelihood of homicide is greater when the following factors are present:

1. Threats of homicide or suicide: The abuser may threaten to kill himself, the victim, the children, relatives, friends, or someone else;
2. Plans for homicide or suicide: The more detailed the abuser’s plan and the more available the method, the greater the risk he will use deadly force;
3. Weapons: The abuser possesses weapons, and has threatened to use them in the past against the victim, the children, or himself. If the abuser has a history of arson, fire should be considered a weapon;
4. "Ownership" of the victim: The abuser says things like "If I can’t have you no one can" or "I would rather see you dead than have you divorce me". The abuser believes he is absolutely entitled to the obedience and loyalty of the victim;
5. Centrality of victim to the abuser: The abuser idolizes the victim, depending heavily on him or her to organize and sustain the abuser’s life, or the abuser isolates the victim from outside supports;
6. Separation violence: The abuser believes he is about to lose the victim;
7. Repeated calls to law enforcement: A history of violence is indicated by repeated police involvement;
8. Escalation of risk-taking: The abuser has begun to act without regard to legal or social consequences that previously constrained his violence; and
9. Hostage taking: He is desperate enough to risk the life of innocent persons by taking hostages.  There is a very serious likelihood of the situation turning deadly.

Battered and Abused Men:

Most of us recognize that men experience verbal and emotional abuse at the hands of women, less well accepted or admitted is the fact of physical abuse. In our society, we think of women as the victims and men as the aggressors in physical abuse.  The fact that women are more likely to be severely injured in domestic violence adds to the problem of recognizing male abuse.  Nevertheless, it happens - frequently.  In fact, men are just as likely to be seriously injured when a woman becomes violent because women are more likely to use weapons in the course of an assault.  If a male client indicates that his girlfriend or partner assaulted him, believe him.  A man will find it harder to discuss his pain with you than will a woman, and even harder to admit to being a victim. It is easier to attribute an injury to a sports mishap or workplace accident than to admit to a doctor or police officer it resulted from domestic violence.

Facts:

1. Fewer men report abuse. They are ashamed to report being abused by women.
2. Health care and law enforcement professionals are more likely to accept alternative explanations of abuse from a man. They will believe other reasons for the presence of bruises and other signs of injury.
3. Our justice system often takes the word of the woman above the word of the man in abuse cases. It is just more believable that the aggressor was the man, not the woman.
4. Men are more likely to tolerate the pain of abuse than women. They "grin and bear it” more. And again, many are ashamed to seek medical help for abuse.
5. Unless a woman uses a weapon, she usually does not have the strength to inflict injury.

Abused men are as likely as their female counterparts are to have low self-esteem.  People can come to believe that they are somehow responsible for what happened.  People cling to the hope that things will get better: that the woman he "loves" will quit when their relationship is better adjusted, or the children get older and show more responsibility.  These are all pretty much the same excuses women make for remaining with men who batter them.

Are you abused?  Does the person you love…

• "Track" all of your time?
• Constantly accuse you of being unfaithful?
• Discourage your relationships with family and friends?
• Prevent you from working or attending school?
• Criticize you for little things?
• Become angry easily when drinking or abusing drugs?
• Control all finances and force you to account for what you spend?
• Humiliate you in front of others?
• Destroy your personal property or items with sentimental value?
• Hit, punch, slap, kick, or bite you or the children?
• Use or threaten to use a weapon against you?
• Threaten to hurt you or hurt the children?
• Force you to have sex against your will?

Below is a list of things Jerry can do to help himself:

• Tell friends he trusts.
• Make safety arrangements such as:
  • Leaving the relationship;
  • Finding a safe place to go; and
  • Changing his phone number and/or locks.
• Telephone a domestic violence hotline or shelter and:
  • Talk to a worker;
  • Find out about his legal rights; or
  • See a counsellor - separately or with Lisa. 
• Gain the support of witnesses, when possible.
• Take notes detailing dates, times and what occurred.
• Phone Police when Lisa becomes physically abusive.

Abuse Checklists:

Below is a self-assessment quiz to help you determine if you are being abused. You may be suffering abuse even if you answer, “Yes” to only a few questions.

You may be becoming or already are a victim of abuse if you:

• Feel like you have to "walk on eggshells" to keep him/her from getting angry and are frightened by his/her temper.
• Feel you can't live without him/her.
• Stop seeing other friends or family, or give up activities you enjoy because he/she doesn't like them.
• Are afraid to tell him/her your worries and feelings about the relationship.
• Are often compliant because you are afraid to hurt his/her feelings; and have the urge to "rescue" him/her when he/she is troubled.
• Feel that you are the only one who can help him/her and that you should try to "reform" him/her.
• Find yourself apologizing to yourself or others for your partner's behaviour when you are treated badly.
• Stop expressing opinions if he/she doesn't agree with them.
• Stay because you feel he/she will kill him/herself if you leave.
• Believe that his/her jealousy is a sign of love.
• Have been kicked, hit, shoved, or had things thrown at you by him/her when he/she was jealous or angry.
• Believe the critical things he/she says to make you feel bad about yourself.
• Believe that there is something wrong with you if you don't enjoy the sexual things he/she makes you do.
• Believe in the traditional ideas of what a man and a woman should be and do -- that the man makes the decisions and the woman pleases him.

Original HERE

The Survivors Trust @survivorstrust

What is TST?

The Survivors Trust (TST) is a national umbrella agency for over 135 specialist rape, sexual violence and childhood sexual abuse support organisations throughout the UK and Ireland.

Our Trustee Board is exclusively made up of Managers and Directors of rape and sexual abuse support services. Our core aim is to empower survivors or rape, sexual violence or childhood sexual abuse through supporting and improving effective responses to survivors. Member organisations provide a range of direct services to survivors including counselling, support, helplines and advocacy services for women, men and children.

We provide support and networking for member agencies; deliver accredited training; raise awareness about rape and sexual abuse and its effect on survivors, their supporters and society at large; promote effective responses to rape and sexual abuse on a local, regional and national level.

TST supports working in ways that recognise human rights and dignity; demonstrate understanding of the role of gender in the impact of sexual violence and abuse on women and men; appreciate the variety of human experience and culture; demonstrate a commitment to showing justice in dealing with all others; and encourage development and improvement of responses to all survivors.

The TST Mission Statement…

We believe that the rape and sexual violence of children and adults is endemic within our society. Together we are committed to empowering survivors and their supporters to work through and beyond the experience of abuse.

The TST Core Belief…

We believe that the sexual abuse and/or rape of girls, boys, women and men is preventable and we challenge society to acknowledge both its reality and our individual and collective responsibility for it.

The TST Core Aims…

To support and empower survivors of rape, sexual violence and/or childhood sexual abuse through

• Providing a collective voice and peer networking for members;
• Raising awareness about sexual abuse and/or rape and its effects on survivors, their supporters and society at large
• Informing acknowledgement of, and effective responses to, rape and sexual abuse on a local, regional and 
• national level

INFORMATION FOR SURVIVORS

This page offers information for survivors of rape, sexual violence and childhood sexual abuse.

Please note that a full list of  TST member agencies can be found here along with details of  National Helplines for Survivors here.

A list of Independent Sexual Violence Advisors working in England and Wales can be found by clicking here

Details of Sexual Assault Referral Centres (SARCs) can be found by clicking here

Further information on resources and reading materials available for survivors of rape or sexual abuse can be found or our Resources page or by clicking here.

The impact of childhood sexual abuse, sexual violence and rape

The long-term effects of childhood sexual abuse, sexual violence and rape can include many emotional, psychological and physical conditions. The experience of sexual assault or abuse at any age and whether male or female can have devastating effects on every aspect of a person’s being and life – on their mind, their body, their behaviour, thoughts and feelings.

The following list includes some of the effects now being recognised and acknowledged as the consequences of childhood sexual abuse, sexual violence or rape on many victims and survivors. The Survivors Trust wants to stress that it is not inevitable that all victims will suffer from all effects – the mix, severity and complexity is a unique experience for each individual.

Post Traumatic Stress symptoms

Depression
Anxiety
Dissociation
Flashbacks
Nightmares
Irritability and outbursts of anger
Suicidal Thoughts
Suicide
Alcohol Misuse and dependence
Sexual problems
Confusion about sexuality

Eating Disorders

Self-injury and self harming behaviour
Transient psychotic episodes
Borderline Personality Disorder
Dissociative Identity disorder
Somatisation – Emotional distress experienced as physical pain
Increased rates of physical conditions like heart disease and cancer

Homelessness

Revictimisation
Prostitution
Criminal behaviour (including for a small minority sexual offences)
Low self-esteem
Lack of confidence
Sleep Problems
Parenting Problems
Relationship Problems

If you are a victim or survivor of sexual violence, rape or childhood sexual abuse, the thought that you may be affected in any of the above ways may be frightening and daunting. Member groups of The Survivors Trust have the professional expertise and empathic understanding necessary to help survivors meet the challenges and difficulties they are experiencing as a result of abuse or rape.

Remember you have a right to be safe and to choose what happens to you. The Survivors Trust is determined to ensure that all survivors have access to appropriate counselling, support and advice so that they can reclaim their lives and obtain the justice they deserve.

Please see our Find Support page for details of TST support groups and services near you, or click here for information and contact details for Independent Sexual Violence Advisors (ISVAs). Additionally, details of  Sexual Assault Referral Centres (SARCs) based in the UK can be found here.

THE SURVIVORS TRUST HOMEPAGE

Raising Awareness for Victims & Survivors of Child Abuse (R.A.V.S.C.A) #RAVSCA

Short Summary

I am planning to hold a photographic exhibition to Raise Awareness for Victims and Survivors of Child Abuse (R.A.V.S.C.A) in the UK.

Everyone remembers the poppies at the Tower of London. It drew hundreds and thousands of visitors to see the tribute to those who died fighting for the UK in world war one.

I am planning a similar eye catching exhibition to raise awareness of the prevalence of child abuse in the UK It will be a photographic exhibition in which every photograph on display will represent a child / adult that has been subjected to child abuse in the UK over a specific period of time.

What We Need & What You Get

I am hoping to get companies to sponsor the project with goods in kind, i.e. display equipment, photographic printing etc, but were this is not possible I need to be able to pay for these items without taking money away from the charities we are fundraising for. We are looking to raise at least £1000, but if more is raised that would be fantastic.

The Impact

The exhibition will raise awareness amongst the general public of child abuse, break the silence that still surrounds abuse which can only reduce the chances of abuse happening to other children.

The exhibition will be free to attend, but throughout the project we will be fundraising for charities that help survivors of child abuse. As part of the exhibition information will be on display informing people of abuse such as statistics, information from charities, survivor stories and examples of how abuse effects survivorsfor the rest of their lives. 

This exhibition will have a huge impact because like the poppies at the Tower of London, it will be instantly visible as to the scale of the issue. The poppies brought it home visually to people that each poppy represented a member of the armed services that died in the service of defending the freedom of the UK. The same will be true of this exhibition because each photograph will represent a person that has been subjected to abuse as a child.

It is hoped that we can also raise money for at least two charities that help people that have been affected by child abuse. The national charity we are planning to support is NAPAC (The National Association for People Abused in Childhood) and the local charity is The Southmead Project in Bristol.

Risks & Challenges

Why am I doing this? I was a victim of severe abuse as a child at the hands of a paedophile ring. For nine long years they subjected me to horrific emotional, physical and sexual abuse and torture. The abuse has left me with life-long effects, but recently with the support of counselling, I have been able to confidently say that I am now a survivor. My main driver for this project is two-fold, firstly I want it to be a memorial to remember three friends that died at the hands of the ring. Secondly I would simply like to raise awareness of how prevalent child abuse is. If we as a society can understand this, it will help to break the silence that surrounds abuse and eventually can help to stop abuse all together.

There will be challenges although we are even now trying to overcome these. Challenges such as finding a suitable venue, engaging with survivors and the groups that support them to give them a chance to take part individually. We are trying to obtain accurate data on child abuse so we have accurate numbers to work on, this in itself is a huge challenge because we know that the number will actually be larger that official statistics because of the numbers that never report what happened to them.

I have never organised something on this scale before, however, it is something I believe in passionately and have some great people working alongside me to see this project come to fruition.

Other Ways You Can Help

There are lots of ways you can contribute to this project.

Donate money to support this project - please note that any money that is not used for the project will be put into the fundraising money for the two main charities.

Donate money for the charities that we are supporting - We have decided on one national charity and one local charity. However, if the exhibition is successful, we plan to take it on tour around the UK and will raise additional money for local charities that support survivors of abuse in each of the areas we host the exhibition.

If you are a survivor of child abuse or a family member that has lost someone to child abuse, then take part in this exhibition. Contact me for more details, and it can all be totally anonymous if you wish.

Like our Facebook page - www.facebook.com/ravsca

Follow me on twitter - @carl_survivor