Q & A with @DavidLeanLeano #PurpleFriday #CSASurvivors #ChildAbuse

David Lean is a proud ambassador for Voicing CSA and works tirelessly to bring awareness on the subject of Childhood Sexual Abuse and Exploitation.  As a victim himself, Voicing CSA (on twitter as @Voicing_csa ) helped David to find his own voice.

I got to know David through Twitter and his work spreading knowledge and trying to get the subjects of CSA and CSE trending in order to raise a more far reaching awareness of these often taboo subjects. He is a truly inspirational man.

Please help us spread the word and let's turn Twitter Purple on September 15th!

1 - What is #PurpleFriday?

#purplefriday is a very simple campaign I have created to raise huge awareness of both CSA & CSE by bringing everyone together on the same day. This is not about Charities or Survivor Groups. It is not even about Survivors, its about everyone young or old, men and women coming together and raising the unspoken subject in all walks of life for just one day. On Friday September 15th I want as many people as possible Worldwide to join us and wear purple items all day as they go about there life. As much or as little as they feel comfortable with. Hopefully this may get people in all walks of life asking about there purple items they are wearing and why!  I would like everyone to post on all social media sites, photos of them wearing the purple items or just anything purple and turn social media purple for the day !! 

Using #purplefriday we will also attempt to trend between 8pm-10pm that evening. Its free, easy to join in and will raise massive awareness if we all join in !  These issues are happening massively on a Worldwide scale !! With one voice we can raise awareness together !

2 - What are your thoughts as to current UK attitudes towards child abuse in the media?

The UK media has improved over the last year and shows much more attention to Both CSA (Childhood Sexual Abuse) and CSE (Childhood Sexual Exploitation) for which Survivors are grateful but it is still nowhere near enough !  Much more can be done and it needs to hit all markets not just the news!  Programmes aimed at younger children also need to be looked at.

3 - Do you think that the "authorities" are doing enough to raise awareness?

Authorities are not doing enough. They are often much of the problem. Some appear to be doing a good job others are not !  Consistency in all areas when dealing with both CSA & CSE is so important. Best practice needs to be used across the Country. Once again we can always do much more and not close our eyes !

4 - With regards abuse in sports, do you think the various sports bodies are doing enough to expose and prevent abuse?

Abuse in Sport is being looked at by many National Governing Bodies at this time. We will see how things pan out in football which is leading on the inquest at the moment. Again while coaches in many sports operate without much if any supervision and without National guidance and Support in many cases Child Abuse will continue to go on in Sport as in all walks of life. It has shown its ugly head in so many different sports and is happening today so all NGBs need to look at how this can be improved. Mandatory reporting is being looked at by many at this time.

5 - Are social media "giants" like Twitter and Facebook doing enough to fight child abuse?

 I believe Social media certain help and can allow us to raise awareness through our tweets/posts etc. We are allowed to put detail into our posts again this helps. Local and National support is also easy to access contact details etc through social media for Survivors and many strong friendships grow through social media.

6 - What have your experiences with social media been like? I understand you have been blocked from tweeting etc.

 I am unsure of exact details on how twitter works but we strongly believe that on a couple of campaigns we have driven to trend #CSASurvivors on twitter that we have been stopped from trending ? I have also had my account stopped 3 times during these periods for over 90 minutes ? I only hope this is not being driven by someone at twitter ?

7 - Do you think that the media coverage of high profile chld abuse cases helps or hinders those who have suffered from familial abuse?

 High profile cases and media coverage is so needed!  I understand its a difficult watch for many and some Survivors find it difficult also but it has to be done! We must show cases on very occasion to drive this out of the dark ages and into the light !  CSA & CSE must become a subject that is spoken about and we must no longer hide this ! Children of the future will be ruined if this continues to happen!  It has already been proven there is a huge percentage of people in prison who have suffered some sort of abuse as a child !  The links are there we need to open our eyes and stop this!

8 - What changes would you like to see in how child abuse victims are treated?

So many changes need to happen in the justice system !   Investigations need to be speeded up in all aspects of CSA & CSE !  Once you disclose to the police,cases can take years to actually get to court !  It can take 12 months just to get a Crown Court date!  The best practise and consistency across the way Survivors are dealt with NEEDS to come in ASAP ! So many people have had bad experiences in the way they have been treated by both police and CPS and also within the Courts! 

I have also heard stories of people who have been treated well, believed from day one and treated with respect and compassion this needs to be the case every time. 

Sentencing laws need to change and be used. Its no good allowing Sentencing laws to be increased if judges don't use the maximums allowed to them !  The effects of CSA & CSE are massive and yet in many cases sentences such as 1 or 2 years are handed down!

In many cases No conviction is even handed down?  We need to encourage ALL survivors forward and you already have to go through reliving the events ! Interview after interview , then await CPS decision then wait another year for Court dates if you even get as far as cour !  For in many cases No conviction or a very small sentence given for Abuse towards a child ! How can this be right? 

We also need to stop allowing these monsters the right to change there verdict on the day for a reduced sentence!  

9 - Do you feel there is enough professional, specialised help available for male survivors?

 I was lucky and received counselling within a month of me disclosing to police through some funding available at that time. This area is a must for everyone who needs it after disclosure and must be compulsory all over the Country !  Not enough services or support are available at this time. Many Survivor groups offer support to the best of there ability but much more needs to be done as so many are not supported!

10 - Are male victims of sexual abuse under more pressure to remain silent than female victims?

I believe men find it much more difficult to disclose than women and yes I believe they are under more pressure to remain silent. It is a hugely difficult for everyone but I believe it is often around 20 years longer for men to disclose than women. Something that I and many other men are working hard to change.

MatrixMen South Africa @Matrixmensa

MatrixMen MatrixMen was established to provide support for men that get to a point in their lives where they can no longer deny the fact that they were at some point in their lives sexually abused. This is often a harsh reality that is difficult to deal with, and many men choose to end it all. This is not the only choice, You now have help at hand. The effects of sexual abuse remain with the victim and often create serious and ongoing problems for both the victim and their families in later life. The problems associated with CSA include : The inability to create meaningful relationships. Some form of sexual dysfunction, including sex addiction, porn addiction and incapacity for intimacy. Relationship problems including excessive anger towards ones partner. Personal shame. The inability to fulfill ones potential. Excessive reliance on drugs & alcohol. Homophobia  Excessive anger  MatrixMen is a Non-Profit and a Non Government Organisation, created and managed by people who have themselves been victims of sexual abuse. MatrixMen provides support services to people who wish to overcome the ongoing effects of abuse. These services include the creation of a safe environment for the discussion of these issues, in a group dynamic. Please welcome Martin Pelders, founder of Matrix Men South Africa.

Often I look back on my life and smile,  odd statement for a guy that suffered sexual abuse and neglect, but I smile thinking,  what a journey it has been,  what a turnaround it has been, and all of this in 4 short years.
But that is now,  life up until four years ago was pretty miserable, and getting to this point was probably one of the most painful experiences I have had to endure.  

Memories of my abuse go back to the age of five or six,  these years are pretty patchy and many of them still lost,  but I've had flashes of things being done to me at that age,  the abuse continued to the age of 19.
Finally at the age of 19 we were conscripted into the military in South Africa where we had to serve a two year national service stint.  It was during one of the days of physical training that I remember thinking "boy I'm pretty tough,  I'm sure I can fight these guys of me"

Throughout the two years of national service I tried to avoid rather than to confront my perpetrators, I was already a pretty heavy drinker, after all it was easier to avoid than to confront, and drinking was sure a great way of avoiding the issues. 

After the military service, I was released into the big world where I would encounter people and situations that I was certainly not ready for after the relative safety of the known that the military gave me.  

Initially I was afraid to go out and find jobs, mostly calling on family and friends to help with their contacts,  and when I finally did get one, I didn't stay long,  I think the longest I stayed at a company was a year,  and I would be of in search of a new challenge,  hopeful this time it would finally make me happy.
  
I went into many careers, many varied fields, quickly mastering and excelling in that field,  but then as the end of my first year rolled in I would begin to itch and want to move on.

Eventually I became quite proficient at finding work for myself,  selling myself and doing well for a short while and then this burning desire to move again. At the time I didn't know what drove me to move on so much,  but years later with the benefit of hindsight I saw that it was the fear of someone finally finding out what I really was,  as sexual deviant, alcoholic,  porn addict and a liar. There was at the time also the added fear of failure,  the fear of not being as good as I portrayed myself to be. 

One of the most prevalent goals in my life was always the search for happiness,  the deep seated knowledge that there had to be something better,  after all, being alone and wanting to be drunk all the time, wanting to blow my brains out every day was not my idea of a happy life.

I wanted a real girlfriend not a magazine and my hand.  I tried the gay scene,  but left a lover on his knees open mouthed on a beach and walked away.  Another orgasm was not going to make my dead heart feel better,  whether with a guy or girl. 

Finally I thought perhaps if I found a girl got married and did what society told me to do I would be happy,  you know the dream,  wife,  house,  2 kids,  a cat and a microwave.  This was the key to happiness,  it had to be. 

Well I found a young girl,  we dated for a while and was soon married.  I remember on our honeymoon night,  I opted to go get drunk in the bar rather than spend the first night with my bride, she was waiting in the room in a frilly outfit and waited whilst I "moved the car". I just didn't come back,  she fell asleep alone.  This should have been a sign,  she should have run there and then. 

It was as in most things in my life, not going to be easy to find the happiness that I so craved or the happy life that society was trying to sell us.  My young bride could not fall pregnant,  there was something wrong and for a long time our desire to have children gave us a common goal,  something we could focus on,  that short time was 11 years.  Finally God blessed us the miracle we so desired, a beautiful baby girl. 

This for me was the beginning of the end,  my life was from this point going to get more and more dysfunctional. 

I could not understand my increased alcohol intake,  the drinking got heavier and heavier,  my moods got worse and worse,  my anger exploded.  My poor daughter could not make a noise,  could not ask me anything,  could not play with me,  whatever she tried to do to be close to daddy was met with either a bad mood or anger.  I kept saying that it would get better when she got older,  "I just can't relate to little kids" I would say.  My wife began hinting that perhaps I was drinking a little too much, to which I of course responded “it’s because I’m so stressed”.

At this stage of my life I had my own business,  I was doing the sales,  installations,  invoicing,  purchases,  books, I did everything and I was tired, but that was certainly not the reason I was drinking so much
Finally we started trying for a second child,  and this was again a process of doctors and tests,  but to no avail.   I did discover one thing in this process, and that was that I was an alcoholic.  
In remember the doctor asking me if I drank a lot,  I said 
“Only about two drinks a night” (lie)
He asked if I would stop drinking for 6 weeks,  
"No problem" I replied,  well after the second day I realised that this wasn't going to be that easy,  in fact I started to drink again.  
This was hard, I started realizing that I was an alcoholic,  
"Damn, that woman was right" I thought. 

One night we had a bit of a party at my home,  and when I woke up naked on the lawn the next morning,  I decided that this was not on.  I stopped drinking that day. 

Three months of pain were to follow as my body withdrew from the constant intake of alcohol,  but I managed and to this day have not let a drop of alcohol cross my lips. 

Sad thing is,  that not drinking didn't make me happy either, and after 4 years of sobriety I was finally forced to go to the AA and see if I could save my marriage. 

With the drinking over I began to fall to my other great addiction,  porn.

Wow was I never going to be normal?

I went through the AA program and still happiness evaded me until one day I was home and saw the Oprah show,  the 200 men. Here were a bunch of men telling my story,  guys talking about how I felt,  talking about the thoughts that were going through my mind,  how did they know?  They were me. 

From this point in my life,  my entire focus was on finding out more about what sexual abuse did to me, the effects I the dysfunctions,  the way it altered my life,  that was my quest. 

I was 45 when I finally worked out what the problem was with me, I  am a male survivor of sexual abuse. 
The porn gave way to a new passion,  studying,  learning, writing,  asking questions,  absorbing every little bit of information.  That gave way to understanding what my problems were, which moved into pain and discovery,  loss,  fear,   dread. I discovered that over the years as a survivor, I had developed several different personalities.  At work I was the ultimate professional, top of my field.  At home I was the worst person, the one I thought was the real me. In the community I was a fighter for a safe suburb.  At the parties I was the comedian, the joker, life and soul of the party, and at Church, well I was the leader the helper the nice guy.  Would I ever be normal,  could I take these different me's and make them one whole functional man?  Would the real Martin please stand up? 

At one point in the journey I thought that I couldn't,  that I would never be "normal". That night I wanted one of two things from God, healing or death,  I didn't care which. 
God gave me healing,  and I promised Him that I would make it my mission to talk to all the men in my country about male survivors,  I would be one of the 200 men in the South African context. I would become the one to say its ok, you are not alone. 

That night MatrixMen was born.  Being the only one in the country that spoke about this was not easy. At first people thought I was mad,  but I kept going,  I kept puffing away at it, I kept calling into talk shows,  writing to the press,  calling people,  talking talking talking.

About a year into recovery I got a call from another male survivor in South Africa,  he wanted to join me,  so we met and spoke and spoke or first meeting we chatted for 5 hours,  we couldn't get enough of it, he later went on to start the other organization that talks about this in South Africa, I was sad that we did not work together at first, but in hindsight it was good to have two organizations instead of only one crazy guy shouting out.

MatrixMen and the other groups in South Africa have a tremendous amount of work to do, there are many millions of men to reach, people to help and perspectives to change.  All of this will take time and energy, and with Gods help and guidance we will get there and help the men that are hurting.  One thing I have learnt in the 50 years that I have been on earth is that patience is a virtue.

There I realize two types of people on earth, those that have been hurt and those that have not.  The one group that has been hurt has at the end of the day 2 choices in their lives, remain a victim or stand up and face your demons.  

Both options are scary, remaining a victim means that you will go through life unhappy and hurting, and standing up and facing the hurts of your past will, I repeat WILL be hard and Will cause you pain, it will be difficult, but I promise that if you tackle this task with a firm desire to heal your life, that pain will be very very short in the greater scheme of things.  I was a victim for 45 years, I fought my demons for about a year, of which 8 months were the hardest, but yes, today I can sit back and smile at the path that I have traveled, happy in the knowledge that I am a good person, I am a happy person, I am sucessful, loved and a good father. None of this would have happened had I not faced and fought the demons of my past.

Two things have brought me through all this, the support of my father whose quiet support I have been blessed to have, and my Father in Heaven that has told me that I could be a new creation, that all the bad things that I had done in my past were forgiven and that I am a special creation with a calling and a purpose.
All Survivors are Special people and my wish for all of you is that you find the courage and conviction to face your demons and fears and conquer them so that you too can live a life free from fear and bondage.
You are all special, you are all chosen, you all have a purpose, I pray you find yours.

Martin Pelders 

Founder MatrixMen South Africa

martin@matrixmen.org

Twitter - @Matrixmensa 

Sibling Abuse - An Epidemic by @PatriciaSinglet

This is reblogged from my good friend Patricia Singleton who has her amazing blog, Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker HERE.

 

 

 

Sibling Abuse - An Epidemic

Hi, everyone. So sorry that I haven't been around lately. I am doing my best to finish up my husband Daniel's book editing so that it can be self-published by AuthorHouse Publishers. I did not know the book would take up so much of my time but I am the one of the two of us with the computer skills, as basic as they are. Last week, we decided to give up on converting the book from 8 1/4 inches by 11 inches to 6 inches by 9 inches. There were just too many problems created by changing the size and going from Microsoft Works to Microsoft Word. For the past week, we basically went back to the beginning with corrections and there were a lot of them. I hope to finish by the end of this week but that will depend upon whether I can figure out how to do the charts at the end of the book and the weather on Tuesday.

On Sunday and again today, Oklahoma has had severe storms, some resulting in tornadoes. My prayers are going out to everyone involved in those storms. Tomorrow - Tuesday, its Arkansas' turn to get possibly severe storms. That is why I am taking the time to write this today, in case my computer is unplugged because of storms tomorrow. Wherever you are, if you are in the path of these storms, stay safe. I am going to.

I wanted to let you know that three of my friends will be on the radio Wednesday evening on Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery on Blog Talk Radio. Wednesday night's shows are called Survivors World. The hosts are Patricia McKnight and Michal Madison. The Wednesday evening show starts at 8:00 p.m. CST in the U. S. If you miss the live show, you can still hear the talk from the archives of the shows at the link you will find below.

This week's guest is Nancy Kilgore, another friend of mine that I introduced you to a few years ago when she and I did a review of her book Girl in the Water. I will leave a link to that blog post at the end of this article, in case you missed it. Nancy is a sibling abuse and domestic violence survivor. She is an advocate for the silent survivors of sibling abuse. Sibling abuse is at epidemic rates around the world but nobody talks about it. To quote Nancy, "Each year, 19 million children are abused in their homes by their own sibling." That figure is just in the U. S.  You can find Nancy Kilgore, MS on Twitter under the name @SIBLINGSCANHURT. Her Twitter page says, "Nancy emerged from a horrific childhood of sibling abuse to become a survivor and voice of hope. Her website is:

http://www.siblingbullies.com

On Wednesday, you will find Nancy, Patricia and Michal talking at the following link:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/butterflydreamsabuserecovery

The show isn't listed there yet but it will be. In the meantime, you can listen to any of the other shows from the archives. Last week's guest was Ms. Lynn Tolson.  When you have the time to listen to the archives, you will find valuable information about a lot of different topics of interest to survivors.
Patricia

Related Articles:

Guest Interview of Nancy Fox-Kilgore, M. S., Sibling Bully Activist @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2011/08/guest-interview-of-nancy-fox-kilgore-m.html

GIRL IN THE WATER Author Nancy Fox-Kilgore On Conversations Live! Radio @
http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2011/09/girl-in-water-author-nancy-fox-kilgore.html

Family after child abuse by @CosimaZehring #childabuse #survivors

Family after child abuse

For survivors of child abuse, deciding how or if you should maintain relationships with your family of origin (family you were raised in) can be a difficult decision.  The survivor may change his/her mind many times as they contemplate the repercussions of the decision.   Most child abuse survivors find they have a mix of people who support them and those who don’t in their families.  This is when it is helpful to remember that your family is not ‘all or nothing’.  You can maintain relationships with some family members while losing connection to other family members.  The closer the relationship was when you were growing up, the harder it will be to let go.  Some child abuse survivors find that it’s easier to end relationships with people who don’t believe you were abused than those who believe it but don’t support your healing. 

Personally, as a survivor of child sexual abuse, deciding if and how to maintain a relationship with my family members was one of the longest struggles in my healing journey.  When I told my parents that I had been raped by a family member, they believed me.  I was elated!  My biggest fear was that no one would believe me and that I’d be forced to sever any contact with my family.  Between my therapist and books I had been reading I learned when child sexual abuse is perpetrated by a family member, sometimes other family members don’t believe the survivor.  I had even created an Action Plan on how I would handle the situation if they didn’t believe me.  I was as prepared as I could be to handle what I thought was the ‘worst case scenario’.

It didn’t even occur to me that my parents would believe me, but then expect me to go on with life exactly as it was.  I was told to keep it in the past and to “put it on a shelf and forget about it”.  When I said that I would never appear at family functions with my rapist again, I was told that I was being ridiculous and too demanding.  It would be too difficult to make sure he didn’t show up to family events and wasn’t I forcing them to choose between him and me?  How could I expect everyone else to change their lives around for me?  I was so hurt and shocked.  I honestly thought the worst thing that could happen after my family knew of my abuse was that they wouldn’t believe me.  It never even occurred to me that they would believe me, and then not respect my needs or support me. 

Not only was this a surprise for me, I was pretty new to the idea that I had boundaries and rights that I could and should protect.   Growing up in an abusive home, I didn’t know that I deserved or had rights of my own.  It felt difficult and awkward to begin asserting myself as an adult.  It became even more difficult to assert myself because when I did I was called selfish and unreasonable.   The same people who told me that my need to never see my rapist again was selfish would then end it by saying they love me.  It was so confusing.  I wanted to believe that they loved me, but how could I when they still wanted me to celebrate holidays with my rapist?  I needed them to pick a side.  It took me several years to see that by not supporting me, they were picking a side. 

When I finally chose to end my relationship with my father and stepmother, the decision was actually pretty easy.  It was the repercussions from that decision that were so difficult.  Friends and family members (even those who were abused themselves) couldn’t believe I was CHOOSING not to have contact with them.  “But he’s your father.”  I would hear over and over again.  “He’s not the one who hurt you” was another torturous phrase.  He was hurting me by denying me the dignity of never having to hear about or see my rapist again.  Even some books I read on recovering from child sexual abuse encouraged survivors to do whatever they had to do in order to maintain their relationship with their family. 

It was sad and lonely at first.  I started lying to friends about my family and how I spent my holidays because it was easier than explaining the truth.  Also, I was worried that I would be told, yet again, to do whatever I had to do to keep a relationship with my father.  After a few years, I began to slowly admit the truth to one friend at a time.  Surprisingly, many of my friends confessed to envying me.  They wished that they too could spend the holidays alone.  Some of them were abused as children and others just felt the holidays were too chaotic and wanted to relax instead.  Finally receiving support and understanding, helped me feel stronger and that I could trust myself to make the right choices for me.

It’s been over 15 years since I’ve spoken to my father and other members of my family.  Sometimes I still miss them.  I’m also beginning to see why some books stress the importance of maintaining relationships with our family of origins.  At times I feel groundless; as if by ending my relationship with my family members I’ve lost part of who I am.  Humans are social beings, we are storytellers and we need to hear who we were and who we are from others.  It’s harder to find that in people outside your family or origin, but it’s not impossible.  And it is certainly no reason to maintain toxic relationships.  

If you are questioning your family’s support, consider how you feel when you are with them and how you feel after you spend time with them.  Do you feel embarrassed or humiliated with them?  Do you feel drained, angry or defeated after talking to them?  Do you question yourself during or after seeing them?  Just remember that you are worthy of a family who loves and supports you.  That family is not always the family you are born into.  Many survivors find their first sense of family from friends and other survivors.   You deserve to feel the sense of safety and acceptance that comes from surrounding yourself with people who support and encourage you.

Cosima Zehring is the founder of Eternity’s Sunrise (www.eternitysunrise.org) an online magazine for survivors of trauma.   Visit our website to find information, support and tools for the tough road of healing after abuse.

  

Follow Cosima on Twitter   @CosimaZehring

Speaking Up And Speaking Out via @Hidden_Beth #endbullying

You know when you feel like the whole World is against you, when you walk down a street you feel that everyone’s eyes are on you, and that nobody can understand. That’s me, every single day.

The thing is though.. I’m not being bullied anymore, I’m just living with the affects of what happened to me. I wouldn’t change my past for absolutely anything though, I am such a different person, I like the way I treat people, I love what I am doing with my blog etc, I love how I have such big ideas regarding bullying and what more I can do, I have never been so motivated before.

The only thing keeping me here is my motivation to help others.

Every single day I go through the same thoughts and feelings, that I don’t want to live anymore, but I remind myself of my blog, and my wish to one day start my own charity.
 

Every single day, I just think, you know what.. what’s the point. But then I just think, these people, have made me feel like this, these people, their comments and their actions have made me feel so low that I’d rather be dead.
 

I try so hard to block the thoughts out, but its so hard with no support.
 

Some days my mental health is so bad that I just want to take myself to hospital because I feel so unsafe and scared. I just want to give up, but I know I can’t, I have things to do, and things to achieve, people to help etc.

I see the people who bullied me, and I just laugh to myself, that they’re living their lives normally not knowing what so ever what they put me through. And sometimes I wonder, if I did tell them.. what would their reaction be? 

Do you know what annoys me, how people who have been bullied don’t get the support they really need. I had support when I was under 18, but now, the mental health team keep turning me down for support.
 

I was receiving therapy once a week between 15-18, and I was so used to having that support, and it was so helpful, and then as soon as I turned 18 they started talking to me about leaving, and then when I left, I was offered no support at all, so it went from support once a week, talking to someone, to absolutely nothing.
 

I have support from my GP, she put me on the medication, she talks to me about once every 2 weeks, she’s been amazing through all of this, she’s never given up on me, even when I told her that she can’t help me, and wanted to walk out, she carried on.

My motivation to start my own charity is so big! And I just wish I knew how to go about it, I’ve been emailing round, but I can’t seem to find any answers. 

So if anyone has any ideas or advice please let me know! J

I hope that you will support me on my journey to get my voice heard. Your support means absolutely everything!

Please follow me on twitter @Hidden_Beth
Like my facebook page:  https://www.facebook.com/UnderneathMyMask
Email me: missbeth94@hotmail.co.uk

Fifty Shades of Abuse #OneVoice By @EveThomas40 #childabuse @Oprah #survivors

#ONEVOICE

WHERE IDEAS ARE BORN

I have a dream, a dream that I want to share - #OneVoice.

As I struggled through the last 7 years of my marriage I found an escape, writing.  Sitting at the desk I secretly created another world, a devastating place far worse than my own life.

Amy was born and through her I shed my pain and as her story unfolded, as my fingers stroked the keys I knew that one day she had to be free and happy and so I went on to write the rest of her story.  My brave leading lady found love again something I knew I would never experience because I was trapped and had been for a very long time.  BUT........

On the 1^st November 2010 I was born again, I finally became free, I just couldn’t stand it any more and so the ending of Choices-The Darker Years was re-written as I began to take the journey myself.

Now I have found MY VOICE, a voice that was silenced for many years and I can tell you it’s liberating and empowering but I wanted to help others and so #OneVoice was created.

Now you may ask what is #OneVoice and the answer is simple. #OneVoice is THE place to come if you want your voice heard, no matter what your pain is, no matter what caused it you now have a place to come.  Writing helped me so much and so I offer you the opportunity to share your pain and with this you get to nominate a charity of your choice.

Fifty Shades of Abuse, the first #OneVoice book has given fifty voices from around the world the chance to be heard, fifty voices that will NEVER BE SILENCED!  Along with this each survivor has nominated a charity to receive a 1/50 share of the TOTAL revenue.

The very first #OneVoice book is almost ready to be published and as the nominations for charities roll in from around the world I am truly humbled and honoured, #OneVoice is GLOBAL!

I have many ideas for #OneVoice and my ramblings and blog can be found on my website along with a wealth of information. 

 

I hope you will pay me a visit at www.evethomas.co.uk.  Thank you for reading and I just want to say a massive thank you to Jan for giving me this opportunity to raise awareness.  Abuse MUST stop!  WE CAN 

DO THIS!

Survivors not victims!

Eve x

Follow Eve on Twitter  @EveThomas40
On Facebook  

Guidelines for prospective guest bloggers #childabuse #survivors

Still Looking for guest bloggers.

I thought it best to post some guidelines etc to help out.

Submissions are to be sent to JanLFrayne@yahoo.com

Topics are your choice, as long as there is a connection to child abuse in some form (see below) or mental health issues in general.

Paedophiles and their supporters may not submit...

Posts can include: child abuse survivor stories, art and poetry, child abuse as a topic in the news media, as well as PTSD, D.I.D, and other areas of abuse "aftermath" that adult survivors are forced to deal with. Therapy, recovery, and healing from abuse and all forms of child advocacy and awareness are included. I am also happy to promote other writers that have published their own books on the above topics.

The post can be anonymous if you prefer. If you are happy to be yourself then you can also include photos, links to yourself on social media and your own website.

My aim is to make this blog a comprehensive resource for other survivors and also to promote awareness regarding all aspects of being a survivor of abuse. Speaking out and sharing our experiences is a great way to both help ourselves in our healing journey and to help others to understand us better.

Many thanks for your interest!

Ján

Why Is It So Scary To Heal? by @JodiAman #childabuse #survivors

Please welcome Jodi Lobozzo Aman to The Wounded Warrior blog. 

An author and international teacher on topics including non-dual spirituality, narrative psychology, shamanism and living with respect to the earth, Aman is a full-time counselor at the Heal Here Counseling in Rochester, New York. Combining many modalities into her healing practice, Aman is a licensed clinical social worker, certified yoga teacher, mindfulness practitioner and hands-on energy healer. She has a master’s degree from Columbia University, and a post graduate diploma in Narrative Therapy from Dulwich Centre in Adelaide, Australia, where she also served as a faculty member. She has blogged since 2008 and her professional articles have been published in The International Journal of Narrative Therapy and Community Work. She writes a blog about fear called Anxiety Schmanxiety on HealthyPlace.com

Aman has received six years of one-to-one training in intuition and energy healing with Master Healer, Reverend Marcie Seidel and completed a year apprenticeship with John Perkins and Llyn Roberts, obtaining a professional certification as a Master Healer and Shapeshifter.

Most joyfully, Aman and her husband designed and built an environmentally friendly home where they live with their three children and ten chickens.

Why Is It So Scary To Heal?

Many people who have been abused are scared to heal. There are three common myths that keep fear in the way of healing.

1. Healing is “out of control”

“I’d rather have a pain that I know rather than healing because I am not sure I can handle it. I don’t know what it would feel like.” T said to me.

This was not the first or the last time I would ever hear this. The funny thing is people are “not handling” the pain very well now. This is a fake “in control.

”No matter how convincing I am at telling them that healing by definition is good, that it is impossible to be “suffering” and “healed,” that if they are still suffering they are not “healed” yet; many remain immobilized by fear. Unfortunately our ego works very hard to keep the status quo by acting as our protector, conning us that change is “out of our control” and so highly risky. The unknown is thought of as worse than suffering!

This is simply not true. While things happening to us seems out of our control, our response never out of our control. And our response makes all the different to our emotional, spiritual and physical health. Abuse has been disempowering, and finding power in our actions toward healing can change everything! You do have control, and you will only see that once you let go of the false control. 

2. I don’t deserve to heal

No survivor would say this about any other survivor, but would still hold this true for herself/himself. (For some reason, he/she believes he/she is the only one unworthy.)

Guilt is pervasive, and so damaging to the heart and soul. It can overwhelm you, often causing you to isolate yourself (because you think you are not worth of company i.e. “I bother people.”), making it even worse.

Guilt pins you to the ground, turning everything into negative, especially compliments. It makes us think we are worse than worthless. It is a prison of the worse kind. We must let guilt go.

Sometime people hold on to their pain, because they think if they felt better, the abuser would be “getting away with it.” Our pain becomes our twisted testimony that we didn’t deserve it. So we feel pervasively worthless but defend our worthiness with our pain. This inner conflict is the high walls around the prison, it keeps us confused and vulnerable.

For the record, everybody deserves to heal! Everyone is lovable, too! You deserve to let go of the effects of the abuse. It was horrific and should never have happened. It was not OK. And you kept hold of what was important to you despite it. You survived and you are here wanting to move on. Take that step. Love yourself enough to.

3. I don’t trust myself

Many people who have been abused think it is not possible for them to heal. They assume it is hard to make a change or make a decision. This is because they do not trust themselves to make it. They feel like everything is just out of their reach. That there is something everyone knows, yet they are excluded from the skills and knowledges.

They use “one old bad decision” as evidence that they are worthless in having skills. This is wrong. People who have been abused have greater skills than anyone, they survived one of the worst things that can happen to a human being. THAT is not easy. It is when they begin to trust themselves that their anxiety goes away. It is when they realize they direct their life, not by what happens but by their response to it that they can see themselves and their world differently.Healing for you. It is for everyone. Know, believe, trust. It is time. 

Jodi is hosting a Reclaiming Your Soul: Healing from Sexual Abuse and Sexual Assault Retreat April 12-14, 2013 in Ithaca NY. You deserve this and you can trust yourself!



Experience a structured program using movement, meditation, writing, and time with nature. Take back your life from the devastating effects of sexual abuse and assault. Re-story your life and minimize fear, doubt, and shame. Find peace of mind. Feel validated and less alone. Recover your spirituality. Empower your self. Embrace joy.

Cost $264 Program, vegetarian meals Saturday and Sunday, private rooms, and bedding are provided. 

Download registration form in PDF and mail it in or register Online.

Jodi is a practicing therapist, author, and teacher. She works primarily with people who have lived through trauma. Her workshops and retreats jump start healing by inspiring self-love.With over two decades of experience helping children, families, and individuals eliminate suffering, she has dedicated her life to assist in healing physically, emotionally, mentally, and spirituality.

Find Jodi Lobozzo Aman, LCSW-R on the web...

She blogs here: Heal Now and Forever Be In Peace, 

and here: Anxiety-Schmanxiety Blog,
tweets here: Twitter@JodiAman,
inspires here: Facebook: Heal Now and Forever Be in Peace,

counsels here: www.heal-here.com.

Call for an appointment 585-544-5342

Get her free E-book: What Is UP In Your DOWN? Being Grateful in 7 Easy Steps.

Everyone's Story January Guest @Beyond_Survivor Ján L. Frayne #childabuse #survivor Via @ElaineStock

What a way to start the New Year! I was honoured to be asked to guest on Everyone's Story, a wonderful blog by Elaine Stock.

Everyone's Story is a truly inspirational site and has regular guest bloggers. Elaine has won many awards and accolades for her blog and they are well deserved.

Elaine Stock never expected that a college major in psychology and sociology would walk her through the see-saw industries of food service and the weight-loss business; co-ownership with her husband in piano restoration; and ten years in community leadership. All great fodder for creating fiction. She writes contemporary fiction, exploring family dynamics. Her first short story was published on Christian Fiction Online Magazine and in the spring of 2011 she shouted with joy that she'd placed in the Semi-finals category in the ACFW Genesis Contest for her novel WALK WITH ME.


Find Everyone's Story HERE

Follow Elaine on Twitter @ElaineStock