Dissociative Identity Disorder

Dissociative Identity Disorder 

• Dissociative identity disorder (DID) facts
• What is dissociative identity disorder?
• What are causes and risk factors of dissociative identity disorder?
• What are the signs and symptoms of dissociative identity disorder?
• How is dissociative identity disorder diagnosed?
• What are the treatment methods for dissociative identity disorder?
• What is the prognosis for dissociative identity disorder?
• What are complications of dissociative identity disorder?
• How can dissociative identity disorder be prevented?

Dissociative identity disorder (DID) facts

• Dissociative identity disorder (DID), formerly called multiple personality disorder, is an illness that is characterized by the presence of at least two clear personality states, called alters, which may have different reactions, emotions, and body functioning.
• How often DID occurs remains difficult to know due to disagreement among professionals about the existence of the diagnosis itself, its symptoms, and how to best assess the illness.
• DID is diagnosed nine times more often in females than in males.
• A history of severe abuse is thought to be associated with DID.
• DID has been portrayed in the media in productions like The Three Faces of Eveand Sybil.
• Signs and symptoms of DID include time and memory lapses, blackouts, being often accused of lying, finding apparently strange items among one's possessions, having apparent strangers recognize them as someone else, feeling unreal, and feeling like more than one person.
• As there is no specific diagnostic test for DID, mental health professionals perform a mental health interview, ruling out other mental disorders, and referring the client for medical evaluation to rule out a physical cause for symptoms.
• Individuals with DID often also suffer from other mental illnesses, including posttraumatic stress disorder, borderline and other personality disorders, and conversion disorder.
• People who may benefit either emotionally or legally from having DID sometimes pretend to have it, as with those who molest children, have antisocial personality disorder, or in cases of Munchausen's syndrome.
• Some researchers are of the opinion that sex offenders who truly suffer from DID are best identified using a structured interview.
• Psychotherapy is the mainstay of treatment of DID and usually involves helping individuals with DID improve their relationship with others, preventing crises, and to experience feelings they are not comfortable with having.
• Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), a treatment method that integrates traumatic memories with the patient's own resources, is being increasingly used in the treatment of people with dissociative identity disorder.
• Hypnosis is sometimes used to help people with DID learn more about their personality states in the hope of their gaining better control of those states.
• Although medications can be helpful in managing emotional symptoms that sometimes occur with DID, caution is exercised when it is prescribed in order to avoid making the individual feel retraumatized by feeling controlled.
• People with DID may have trouble keeping a job and maintaining relationships and are at risk for engaging in drug and alcohol abuse as well as hurting themselves and others.

What is dissociative identity disorder?

Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is a mental illness that involves the sufferer experiencing at least two clear identities or personality states, also called alters, each of which has a fairly consistent way of viewing and relating to the world. Some individuals with DID have been found to have personality states that have distinctly different ways of reacting, in terms of emotions, pulse, blood pressure, and blood flow to the brain. This disorder was formerly called multiple personality disorder (MPD) and is often colloquially referred to as split personality disorder. Statistics regarding this disorder indicate that the incidence of DID is about 3% of patients in psychiatric hospitals and is described as occurring in females nine times more often than in males. However, this female preponderance may be due to difficulty identifying the disorder in males. Also, disagreement among mental health professionals about how this illness appears clinically, and if DID even exists, adds to the difficulty of estimating how often it occurs.

Some professionals continue to be of the opinion that DID does not exist. The nature of this skepticism is sometimes due to questions about why many more individuals who have endured the stress of terrible abuse as young children do not develop the disorder, why more children are not diagnosed as having DID, and why some DID sufferers have no history of tremendous trauma. One explanation for what some believe to be these inconsistencies is that given the highly complex and unknown nature of the human brain and psyche, many of those whom one would expect to develop dissociative identity disorder are spared due to their resilience. Another concern about the diagnosis of DID involves having to rely on the traumatic memories of those who suffer from this disorder. That DID is significantly more often assessed in individuals in North America compared to the rest of the world, for the most part, leads some practitioners to believe that DID is a culture-based myth rather than a true disorder. As with many other mental health issues, symptoms of the same disorder in children look very different than symptoms in adults. Studies that verify the presence of DID using multiple resources add credibility to the diagnosis. Research on individuals with DID that have little to no media exposure to information on the illness lends further credibility to the reliability of the existence of this mental health condition.

Although there was a case study of DID as early as 1906, movies about DID first became well known in the United States since the 1950s. The 1953 movie The Three Faces of Eve tells the story of Chris Sizemore, a real-life woman with the disorder. She was thought to develop DID in reaction to witnessing several terrible accidents at a young age. That movie described three personalities that were successfully merged or integrated into one within one year. More accurately, the person depicted in that movie reportedly had to contend with 22 personalities that took more than 45 years to be able to coexist in a functional way. A television miniseries about DID was Sybil. The character of Sybil Dorsett portrayed the life story of Shirley Ardell Mason, who experienced severe physical, emotional, and sexual abuse that was inflicted by her mother. She was thought to develop 16 distinct identities. As with the diagnosis in general, the veracity of the story of Sybil remains a controversy, with claims that the illness in general, and Sybil specifically, is a hoax.

What are causes and risk factors of dissociative identity disorder?

While there is no proven specific cause of DID, the prevailing psychological theory about how the condition develops is as a reaction to childhood trauma. Specifically, it is thought that one way that some individuals respond to being severely traumatized as a young child is to wall off, in other words to dissociate, those memories. When that reaction becomes extreme, DID may be the result. As with other mental disorders, having a family member with DID may be a risk factor, in that it indicates a potential vulnerability to developing the disorder but does not translate into the condition being literally hereditary.

What are the signs and symptoms of dissociative identity disorder?

Signs and symptoms of dissociative identity disorder include

• lapses in memory (dissociation), particularly of significant life events, like birthdays, weddings, or birth of a child;
• experiencing blackouts in time, resulting in finding oneself in places but not recalling how one traveled there;
• being frequently accused of lying when they do not believe they are lying (for example, being told of things they did but do not recall, unrelated to the influence of any drug or medical condition);
• finding items in one's possession but not recalling how those things were acquired;
• encountering people with whom one is unfamiliar but who seem to know them sometimes as someone else;
• being called names that are completely unlike their own name or nickname;
• finding items they have clearly written but are in handwriting other than their own;
• hearing voices inside their head that are not their own;
• not recognizing themselves in the mirror;
• feeling unreal (derealization);
• feeling like they are watching themselves move through life rather than living their own life;
• feeling like more than one person.

How is dissociative identity disorder diagnosed?

There is no specific definitive test, like a blood test, that can accurately assess that a person has dissociative identity disorder. Therefore, practitioners conduct a mental health interview that gathers information, looking for the presence of the signs and symptoms previously described.

The diagnostic criteria for dissociative identity disorder are as follows:

1. The presence of two or more distinct identities or personality states (each with its own relatively persistent pattern of perceiving, relating to, and thinking about him or herself and the world)
2. At least two of the identities or personality states repeatedly take control of the person's behavior.
3. Inability to recall important personal information that is too severe to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness
4. The illness is not the result of the direct physiological effects of a substance (for example, blackouts or other abnormal behavior during alcohol or other drug intoxication) or a general medical condition (for example, seizures). In children, the symptoms are not caused by imaginary playmates or other fantasy play.

Professionals usually gather facts about the individual's childhood and ask questions to explore whether the symptoms that the client is suffering from are not better accounted for by another mental disorder, dissociative or otherwise. Other types of dissociative disorders include depersonalization disorder (feeling detached from themselves or surroundings), dissociative amnesia (memory problems associated with a traumatic experience), dissociative fugue (abandonment of familiar surroundings and memory lapse for the past), and dissociative disorder, not otherwise specified (episodes of dissociation that do not qualify for one of the specific dissociative disorders just described). As part of the assessment, mental health professionals also usually ask about other mental conditions and ensure that the person has recently received a comprehensive physical examination so that any physical conditions that may mimic symptoms of DID are identified and addressed.

Dissociation, a major symptom of DID, is known to occur in a number of other mental illnesses. For example, an individual with this disorder may seek to relieve overwhelming memories of trauma by engaging in the self-mutilation that tends to be found in those with borderline personality disorder. Also, feelings and behaviors that may appear to be caused by dissociation, but are not, make it all the more difficult to distinguish DID from other conditions. Somatization disorder, psychogenic amnesia, psychogenic fugue, conversion disorder, and schizophrenia are just a few such disorders. Rape and other adult trauma victims have been found to be quite vulnerable to developing dissociative symptoms. The controversy about whether DID exists, as well as the overlap of symptoms it has with a number of other conditions, sometimes results in misdiagnosis.

Symptoms of some other mental disorders may be mistaken for dissociation. The wide changes in emotions associated with bipolar disorder or experienced by individuals with narcissistic personality disorder when triggered by minor slights are two such examples. Blackouts that can be related to substance abuse or dependence are other instances of an individual being unaware of his or her surroundings that mimics dissociation.

DID often co-occurs with other emotional conditions, including posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), borderline personality disorder (BPD), and a number of other personality disorders, as well as conversion disorder. DID is sometimes feigned by individuals who may be seeking attention, as in Munchausen's syndrome. It has also been appropriately diagnosed as well as feigned in individuals involved in the criminal justice and civil or family court systems (for example, forensic cases). Adding to the diagnostic difficulty is that people like pedophiles and other sex offenders, as well as people with antisocial personality disorder, may legally stand to gain from having DID. While some of those individuals may feign the diagnosis in an effort to benefit legally, others genuinely suffer from significant dissociative symptoms, as well as full-blown DID. In cases where there may be an ulterior motive for being diagnosed with DID, studies show that using a structured interview tool may be the best way to determine if the person truly suffers from this condition.

What are the treatment methods for dissociative identity disorder?

Psychotherapy is generally considered to be the main component of treatment for dissociative identity disorder. In treating individuals with DID, therapists usually try to help clients improve their relationships with others and to experience feelings they have not felt comfortable being in touch with or openly expressing in the past. This is carefully paced in order to prevent the person with DID from becoming overwhelmed by anxiety, risking a figurative repetition of their traumatic past being inflicted by those very strong emotions. Mental health professionals also often guide clients in finding a way to have each aspect of them coexist, and work together, as well as developing crisis-prevention techniques and finding ways of coping with memory lapses that occur during times of dissociation. The goal of achieving a more peaceful coexistence of the person's multiple personalities is quite different than the reintegration of all those aspects into just one identity state. While reintegration used to be the goal of psychotherapy, it has frequently been found to leave individuals with DID feeling as if the goal of the practitioner is to get rid of, or "kill," parts of them.

Hypnosis is sometimes used to help increase the information that the person with DID has about their symptoms/identity states, thereby increasing the control they have over those states when they change from one personality state to another. That is said to occur by enhancing the communication that each aspect of the person's identity has with the others. In this age of insurance companies regulating the health care that most Americans receive, having time-limited, multiple periods of psychotherapy rather than intensive long-term care provides what may be another effective treatment option for people with DID.

Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), a treatment method that integrates traumatic memories with the patient's own resources, is being increasingly used in the treatment of people with dissociative identity disorder. It has been found to result in enhanced information processing and healing.

Medications are often used to address the many other mental health conditions that individuals with DID tend to have, like depression, severe anxiety, anger, and impulse-control problems. However, particular caution is appropriate when treating people with DID with medications because any effects they may experience, good or bad, may cause the sufferer of DID to feel like they are being controlled, and therefore traumatized yet again. As DID is often associated with episodes of severe depression, electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) can be a viable treatment when the combination of psychotherapy and medication does not result in adequate relief of symptoms.

What is the prognosis for dissociative identity disorder?

Research indicates that people with dissociative identity disorder have their best opportunity for living a well-adjusted life if they receive comprehensive treatment for their multiple symptoms. However, differences in how practitioners diagnose and treat this illness make it difficult to quantify outcomes.

What are complications of dissociative identity disorder?

As with other mental health conditions, the prognosis for people with DID becomes much less optimistic if not appropriately treated. Individuals with a history of being sexually abused, including those who go on to develop dissociative identity disorder, are vulnerable to abusing alcohol or other substances as a negative way of coping with their victimization. People with DID are also at risk for attempting suicide more than once. Violent behavior has a high level of association with dissociation as well. Other debilitating outcomes of DID, like that of other severe chronic mental illnesses, include inability to obtain and maintain employment, poor relationships with others, and therefore overall lower productivity and quality of life.

How can dissociative identity disorder be prevented?

Given that the origin of dissociative identity disorder in the majority of individuals remains related to exposure to traumatic events, prevention for this disorder primarily involves minimizing the exposure to traumatic events, as well as helping survivors of trauma come to terms with what they have been through in a healthy way.

Source: http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=101261

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)

Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is also known as multiple personality disorder (MPD). This
condition is characterised by the co-existence of two or more distinct personalities within the same
person, sometimes appearing as a survival response to terrible childhood traumas. Typically, the
different personalities are unaware of the others, to varying degrees. This explains the periods of
amnesia the patient experiences when another one of their personalities or ‘alters’ takes control of
their mind.

A person with DID can have many alters. Many of the personalities are complete enough in their
own right to function in the world and even form relationships with other people. Women are more
prone to this condition than men. DID is a controversial issue, since some researchers dispute that
it even exists.

Symptoms
The symptoms of DID include:
• Memory lapses, frequent bouts of amnesia or ‘lost time’.
• Unexplained events, such as new clothes the patient has no recollection of buying.
• Two or more distinct personalities, usually with their own names, personalities and
interests.
• Physical disorders including headaches, abdominal pain, a sensation of choking, and pain in
the vagina or anus.
• Other problems such as sleep difficulties, mood swings, depression, suicidal tendencies and
self-mutilation.
• Flashbacks to traumatic events.

The alters can cause problems

A person with DID may have alters with very different personalities and interests. If a person’s
alters behave in ways they find distressing or immoral, it can impact negatively on the person’s self
-esteem, quality of life and relationships with other people.

Extreme trauma during childhood seems to be the trigger

Some researchers have suggested that DID is a form of post traumatic stress disorder. DID is
thought to be caused by unbearable childhood trauma such as severe sexual, emotional or physical
abuse or neglect over a long period of time. The child is thought to cope with these episodes by
dissociating themselves from what is going on.

Over time, the part of their consciousness that is ‘left behind’ to deal with the abusive episodes
becomes stronger and more defined, until it splits from the main personality altogether. The
patient may have trouble recollecting anything from their childhood at all, or have ‘blank’ stretches
they can’t remember. Typically, the patient doesn’t recall the periods of trauma because these
memories are contained within one or more of their ‘alters’. It is thought by some researchers that
DID is actually a creative way of enduring and psychologically surviving horrendous experiences.

Some researchers say DID does not exist

On the other hand, some researchers say that DID isn’t a genuine condition, but a set of symptoms
created by the psychotherapist. The emotionally disturbed patient is coaxed into believing they
have multiple personalities, and continues to play the part.

The therapeutic practice of placing affected patients with others who have been similarly diagnosed
only reinforces the suggestion. Many DID patients share common alter types - at least one alter of
the opposite sex, an animal alter, and so on. This has lead some researchers to assert that
therapists are shaping the condition by the power of suggestion; if you tell a disturbed patient they
could have a pig personality inside them, they may believe you. The researchers who doubt DID’s
credibility are concerned that the patient’s real problems and psychiatric conditions are being
ignored at the expense of the more interesting - though false - symptoms of DID.

Diagnosis

DID is diagnosed using a variety of health professionals including:
• Psychologists
• Psychiatrists.

Treatment options

Treatment relies on a combination of psychotherapy and medication. The aim of psychotherapy is
to merge the alters back into the patient’s personality. This can take many years and relapses are
common, particularly during times of stress. Once the patient has reclaimed their memories of
abuse, any trigger that reminds them of that trauma can bring on a dissociative episode.

Treatment options include:

• Patient education about DID
• Thorough interviews with all the personalities
• Hypnosis sessions
• Coping strategies to deal with the symptoms
• Antidepressant medications.

DID treatment may prolong the condition

Some researchers believe that giving the alters so much attention simply fuels the suggestion and
prolongs the condition. Another approach to treatment is to starve the alters of attention.

Suggestions include:

• Scatter DID patients throughout general psychiatric wards.
• Don’t search for alters.
• Stop interviewing and cataloguing existing alters.
• Don’t talk to any alters if they appear during therapy.
• Concentrate on finding out what problems the patient is experiencing in their life that could
account for their emotional and psychological disturbances.

Where to get help

• Your doctor (for a referral to a specialist service)
• Psychologist
• Psychiatrist

Things to remember

• Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is also known as multiple personality disorder (MPD).
• This condition is characterised by the co-existence of two or more distinct personalities
within the same person, possibly developed as a survival response to terrible childhood
traumas.
• DID is a controversial issue, since some researchers dispute that it even exists.

How Your Brain and Memory Works While Experiencing Trauma

PTSD

Human brains are amazing. Your brain is a primary tool in the survival of humans as a species, and as individuals who undergo traumatic events. If you are a person who suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, it can be helpful to understand how your brain and memory worked during the time of your critical incident(s).

As you probably realize, there are different parts of your brain that do different things. It can get pretty complicated to give a scientific explanation, but it may suffice for you to imagine that there are two brains, one that you are aware of and use everyday to do your thinking, problem solving, and daily work and chores (let’s call that the‘higher brain’), and another one, that kind of works on auto-pilot. This second brain could be called a ‘primitive brain’, and it takes care of things like your heartbeat, your breathing, and your balance that allows you to walk. But this primitive brain has other important functions: it serves to keep you safe in the world.

The primitive part of your brain is the part that first evolved in human beings. It’s the part of your brain that keeps you alert for danger, allows you to make quick responses to danger, and tells you if it is a better idea to put up a fight, or to run away. In essence, this brain keeps people alive. Without it, we would not have survived as a species, and anyone who has been traumatized would not have either survived, or been able to keep their sanity afterwards.

It is important to understand that when the primitive part of your brain is activated, it activates instantly, and sometimes this is a shock to your system (think of suddenly putting your car in reverse when you are moving forward in drive). When your primitive brain engages to keep you safe, this is a normal and natural thing for it to do. In psychological terms, this is called ‘adaptation’: you adapt to the perceived threat to your life and personal integrity. Often, this reaction of your brain and body is very intense.

For people reading who have not been traumatized, the feeling in your body might be compared to the feeling of being on a rollercoaster, but far more intense. For most of us, we are able to enjoy the rush of brain and body chemicals that happens on the roller coaster: our two brains are both activated at the same time. Our primitive brain is telling us ‘DANGER!’, but our higher brain is reasoning that we are really quite safe on the roller coaster. If you have PTSD, you know that your primitive brain-body reaction often over-rides your sense of being safe: things that remind you of the trauma can trigger your brain and body into reacting just as it did when you were under threat. The problem is, of course, this happens when you really don’t need your body to do this. Learning how to over-ride your primitive brain with your reasoning brain to block the stress episode is a key in recovery.

Once activated, the primitive brain rapidly assesses the situation and looks for a defensive measure, and this usually falls into either fight or flight behaviors. The primitive brain quickly assesses which is the more viable path to survival. Many people question why many victims of interpersonal trauma does not fight or run away from the abuse, or do something. In fact, even when a victim gives in to the abuse, they are usually engaging in flight by dissociating. Dissociation is the way the primitive brain handles the tremendous fear and discomfort of the trauma when it perceives it can neither fight nor flight from the event. Once again, it is important to understand that this is a normal, adaptive response to the situation at hand.

When the primitive brain is highly activated, all of the brain energy is directed to the primitive brain; the other brain fades into the background to let the primitive brain do its very important job of saving the whole person. It’s important to understand that most of our memory functions are mostly in our higher brain. When the higher brain steps aside to let the primitive brain to do it’s job, memory recording is not the priority. If you have PTSD, you know that after your critical incident, you may have felt ‘dream like’ and could not remember all of the details of what just happened to you. You may have even begun to believe that it did not really happen (especially if you were a child and an adult told you that you were exaggerating, lying, or imagined the event). Over time, bits and pieces of the memory may come back, often at startling times that seem to have nothing to do with the trauma.
You may become very startled when you have a sudden, unpredictable stress episode, especially when it seemed you were beginning to do pretty well. This may be due to the fact those memory bits come back to remind you of the trauma. The memory may be triggered even when you not consciously did not know that you had a memory. Something in the environment around you or a situation interacts with the memory bit, acts as a cue, and your brain-body chemistry triggers your primitive brain into reacting to a threat that is not really there. The trick is, of course, is to become aware of your own triggers.

The good news is that when you experienced your trauma(s), your brain did what it was supposed to do; it then learned, very strongly and well, what to do when a threat is perceived. The problem is, of course, that you do not always need that response; there are many false alarms that mess up your daily life. But if your brain learned how to respond, it can learn how not to over-respond to things that are not genuine threats to you.

A Song of Life: Being DID via @jeffssong

I met Jeff online about a year ago. We have quite a few things in common.

About Jeffssong

JW is an adult childhood abuse survivor with DID*. He grew up in a violent family devoid of love and affection. He is a military brat and veteran. He still struggles with that past, things he's done, done to him. In 1976 JW began writing "The Boy". It took 34 years to complete. It is currently on Kindle (http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004T3IVKK ), or if you prefer hard copy, on Amazon ( http://www.amazon.com/Boy-J-W/dp/1461022681). JW resides somewhere in the deep South. He is disabled and living with family. Note: Please feel free to take what you need; all is free to all. With that in mind, keep it that way to others. Thank you. We have 3 Blogs - One for our younger days, 0-10 (The Little Shop of Horrors); one for our Teen Alter and his 'friends' (also alters) with a lot of poetry; and finally "my" own, the Song of Life (current events and things)

This is a copy of a recent post from his blog.

About a week ago (it seems), a blogger asked a very important question which has for a long time bothered me: “How many are there in you?”. (Thanks, Hobs! – evil grimace, friendly grin, et cetra ad infinitum.) And if you look up there at my ‘menu bar’ you will see a new entry: “Who Are ‘WE’?”.

Now I’ve tried this before without much success. The system is so complicated . . . realizing alters (alternate personalities) have their own alters makes it even more difficult. But it’s the truth; that’s where some of my “Groups” have come from. And it makes sense. My wife, who I talked to about this, agrees: A host developed new alters to handle his situation, then when a new situation emerged which required a new host, new alters were built to handle the transition (the old host had ‘failed’) – and then the new host, in response to his situation, built new alters of ‘his’ own. Therefore are more ‘alters’, ‘entities’, ‘constructs’, ‘ghosts’, and ‘beings’ – than I had originally suspected. Originally I thought there were just three or four – then last year sometime I was willing to admit the number might be more – even in the high teens. But now? Now I find there are over (perhaps) thirty of them, with the potential for more.

Here is a ‘still’ from a movie I made a long time ago which showed rotating shells protecting a central core. The original was an AVI format which this website will not display; I will have to convert it to an animated GIF or some other suitable format later on . . .

Imagine a series of broken shatter ‘shells’ (read ‘selves’ or ‘alters’) rotating and counter-rotating around a central core (unseen). These are the ‘parts’ to myself. Each was constructed to ‘protect’ someone ‘inside’ – and each has parts of its own.

Yeah, it’s that complicated – somewhat. But here you go, Hobs: what you asked for – a summary ‘list’ of my beings. Read my “Self-Inventory” for more – and a complete (as far as I can tell) list and understanding how ‘this’ system works . . . and be aware that not all are available for ‘conversation’; some are only internal beings – they work for ‘me’ and ‘ours’ – helping ‘us’ to heal in some ways, learn more in others.

People kept asking . . . so there ya go.


DID & Me: Self-Inventory – July, 2012

To understand a person with DID, you have to understand their ‘system’ and how it works. While there may be similarities between two people with a dissociative identity diagnosis, no two systems are the same. As best I can determine and describe this is ‘mine’ at this time. Be aware that it can change.

Rules:
The first rule of a DID system is every rule can be broken.

Dynamics: A dynamic system can evolve to meet new circumstances. I have a “dynamic” system. New personalities can be formed, usually starting with the creation of a persona. Depending upon how long a persona exists, it can develop into a permanent alter. An alter’s power and influence can ‘fade’ over time, but they cannot be destroyed. At best they become dormant. We several dormant alters. Some must be kept dormant to protect society and ourselves. They do not fit society and can present a physical danger to others or my self / selves.

“3 on Top”. This rule dictates only 3 alters may be ‘active’ and in control at a time. More than three and the ‘system’ can become unstable and crash. Crashing is like a computer rebooting – we ‘disassociate’ almost completely and then come back together to face the situation which caused the crash. This is where what I have dubbed “the Tinkertoy System” comes in.

A Tinkertoy system can mix and blend various alters either spontaneously or on command, which adds to the flexibility and complexity of the system’s dynamics. Cooperative co-conscious alters can merge to some degree in order to present a desired persona or survival trait. An example would be ‘me’ (the host) merging two ‘selves’ (or groups of selves – more on that later) – to form a ‘new’ persona (or ‘mask’) to a person, group, or culture. “We” are DID in part due to the need to assimilate and adapt into new cultures and environments. A year ago only certain ‘groups’ (think of them as individuals with alters of their own) and alters could merge; others were incompatible with each other. For instance, neither my teenage alter nor the “Beast” could merge with Little Mikie (who is controlled by Little Michael) because of hatred issues based on the shame ‘they’ (the older alters) felt at what the younger ones had done. Many of my alters had grouped into factions which were at war with each other, causing self-harm, highly destructive behaviors, and constant suicidal idealization.

There are multiple categories of ‘alters’ within a DID system, ‘ours’ is no different. In order to create an accurate, logical inventory, we have decided to try inventorying “ourselves” again. The descriptions are presented in general order of influence and power; eg. Hosts are more powerful (or exert more influence) than transients; transients more powerful than ghosts.

Hosts
These are the most important individuals. They are not ‘groups’, nor can they form groups, but they have groups of their own. These are alters developed to present to the outside world, and to manage (to some degree) inner alters, hosts, ghosts, and artificial creations. Each alter has ‘my’ birth name, though ‘we’ have learned to differentiate both for the outside world (making sense of it all to you) – and our inner one(s). We have three hosts – the former child, the teen, and our adult self (typing this). However, using our given name will not ensure the ‘rise’ of a particular alter, host, or being. It simply gets most of ‘our’ attention.

Note: It is important to be aware that while each ‘host’ IS an individual, each ‘host’ created alters in their time. Therefore in a sense each host is a ‘group’ – they are ruled by the dominance of the Crowd (hence my saying we are a majority run system) – but ‘they’ can stand alone as well, putting their ‘alters’ aside – or sharing them with us. When a particular ‘host’ shuts down, ‘we’ can lose all ‘his’ memories – as well as the memories and skills ‘inside’ him or possessed by someone inside him.

Transient Hosts
These are personalities that were being developed for what was perceived as a permanent situation – and then the situation changed, making them unsuitable for the environment they were in. Think of them as ‘aborted hosts’. We have numbers for some, eg. “13” and “21”. They are still hosts of a kind, but limited, crippled, and most of them are hurting inside. They were not fully formed before ‘we’ had to move on. In a sense some “died”. Many of these transitory beings were used as stepping stages to building a new long-term host, unknown to the conscious mind.*

Ghosts
Ghosts are beings which have been built on someone else, generally a outside person in our environment who had some major effect on us by simply being there or being an influential person in our lives.

“Beings” or “Entities”.
These are some of our oldest group. One of them is a “Recorder”, the ‘person’ responsible for recording our lives. We found he could “split” into 3 clones during information overload and depending upon our desire to learn. He resembles an old college professor, bald pate, with white lab coat – somewhat lanky – twinkling eyes and a vast amount of storage space. (10 to the 10 Gigs is what he says – which makes sense, given what we’ve read about the current amount of information the human brain can hold.) There is some information which he keeps hidden from us. In our mind he ‘lives’ in sort of a college lecture auditorium, stands behind a high desk (where he keeps his notes and ‘things’ – meaning notes we can’t or are not allowed to read) – and he ‘stores’ said information in a tall circular ‘room’ in our head, quite like a towering warehouse.

Another is a group of Scientists we keep on hand for topological information, analysis of fact, and some of our logic skills. “They” (the Scientist Group) are broken down by specialty; eg.you have the “Astronomers Clique” (which includes some of the General Physics Group), the Life Sciences (including, but not limited to Genetic Engineering, following life cycle trends, and keeping an eye on ‘things’ – meaning medical science and advances in anything ‘life’ related, including the Ecological Group – which is in turn broken down into several internal groups, such as the “Urban Clique” (for analyzing neighborhood type animal/plant lifestyles), the “Wild Clique” (true wildlife heroes), and other such similar groups. Each group is responsible for remembering what we read; only life experiences go into the Recorder mode (though he may keep some notes, too). They are collaborative, cooperative, and serve the entire being.

Artificial Constructs
These are ‘beings’ or entities which we knowingly created on our own. All were created by a ‘host’ at our command, or what ‘he’ (the living actual host at the time) thought was his own internal motivation and/or command. One of our first artificial constructs was “the Soldier” – created by “M1”, or “Little Michael”, our very first ‘human being’ (host). He created the Soldier to satisfy the demands of his father and his own heart. He wanted so much to be the “little Soldier” that his dad would admire and feel proud of. Again, he failed – but that didn’t keep him from adding to the Soldier’s stock of inventory in terms of the “military machine” – how to jump wearing parachutes, how to lay a mine . . . that kind of stuff.

The next totally artificial being I am aware of building was “The Machine” – a really tough one built by “13” (a transitory host) who had the seeds of our Teen, aka “M2” (2nd host), aka Matthew Washington. This was partially initiated by “Little Michael” the little one who was still in feeling lonely and betrayed by his emotions – love, especially, and “13” who discovered nothing remains the same and decided he was done with friends – forever – for it seems you only ended up losing them . . . Together with some help from various alters, ghosts, and beings – the Teen was born in the Machine. He was born there to protect him, but got out later on – (and soon after “21” – a transitory host – was born).

So . . . with this rough list in hand, we will begin ‘assembling’ and/or describing our system as best we can. Bear in mind: this is a dynamic system, and not only can ‘it’ change (new personalities can be created) – but the ‘power’ or ‘influence’ of various elements can change (quite radically perhaps in some cases) depending upon the environment ‘we’ are in.


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Hosts and/or “Major Players” are in Bold – often deal with the real world and its problems and ‘things’. Label in parenthesis indicates apparent ‘type’. They are presented (roughly) in order of appearance / development.

“Baby”. (Dormant). Assumed to have developed into “the Toddler”.
“The Toddler” (Early Host? Dormant.) Typical human toddler who was beginning to have some problems; ‘he’ developed the ability for disassociation and for projecting our mind inwards. He lost his fear when his mom tried to kill him. He is able to separate himself from reality somewhat. (Eg. ‘Going away’ in his head to envision life in an orphanage named “The Bad Boys Home” while his mom faked calls (threats of abandonment) – and how life would be for boys like him.
“Little Michael”. (Host. Active, but with little influence. That is changing as ‘we’ work with him to shed his ‘alter ego’, Little Mikie. “He” was using the plural terms of “we” mentally at about age 6, though not out. “He” is for the other kids to play with. “He” is used to sucking up punishment – but not enough . . . “He” goes on to build our first true alter . . . We suspect ‘he’ was developed in part to help “the Toddler” because Little Michael thinks rationally through problems instead of feeling panic or fear (something his mom did to him). His alters (which he protects very diligently) are “The Toddler” and “The Baby”, while he relies on all of “us” to protect ‘him’.
“The Soldier”. (Entity/Being – started as an Artificial Construct). Mostly Dormant. Created by Little Michael to impress his dad. Kept for defense and offensive measures; for bearing pain. Handed ‘over’ to Little Mikie whenever Little Mikie ‘took over’.
“Little Mikie”: (Entity. Active.) Little Mikie is a projection created by Little Michael to deal with grownups, his own sex life, and for handling “the Soldier”. “He loves sex,” would be one way of putting it. Seven to ten years old – he started losing power around 10 or 11. Intensely curious, loves to please, always with a bright smile . . . but is basically a puppet for “Little Michael” and the injured Toddler. Little Mikie is ‘fading’ as attempt to force / help “Little Michael” become ‘more himself’. When we find we are dealing with “Little Mikie” we go to Little Michael to find out why. He uses that persona on us / other people else, except when we are having sex. That is when Little Mikie comes out due to his eagerness to please. Little Michael, 13, and Little Mikie all want to be held after sex. Not dormant, he is able to stand great pain – and holds great love.
“Jeremy”. Temporary Host. Dormant. Built specifically for dealing with the Germans and exploring German architecture and it’s culture. Controlled by Little Michael and Little Mikie. Of no real importance except he contains a lot of our memories from ‘over there’ exploring and all.
“13”. Transitory Host / Entity. Active (because we are working with him to reduce his pain). He appearedt when we came back to the United States and found the place where we grew up had changed. Instead of ‘our’ house we were living in our abuser (aka molester’s) house, and all friends were gone except one family which had also changed. We are ‘growing up’ around this time. Divorce among parents begins. Two schools and three moves in one year helped contribute to his misery and confusion. Racial tensions. “13” got hit (and bit) by a LOT of things (which explains why he is so depressed, angry, lonely and sad). 13 currently has much ‘power’ since ‘we’ are working with him – trying to alleviate his pains, his internal sadness, agony at losing friends . . . there’s a lot ‘wrong’ with him; he’s a boy in much pain . . . “WE” all know ‘he’ contains ‘others’ (Jeremy, perhaps Sarah, Samuel, perhaps ‘others’) inside . . . and that when ‘he’ goes into hiding we can lose a lot of our mind (read: memories).
“The Machine” – Host / Entity / Artificial Construct. Dormant. Built by “13” along with some ‘help’ from his friends, “The Machine” was supposed to be an emotionless ‘being’ modeled after a machine – no love, no hate, no anger, no anything. And it worked, albeit barely (after all, we ARE human whether we like it or not) – but it set the ball rolling for our hatred of love and ‘things’ (emotional responses to anything at all, including rage, hatred, love, envy, jealousy . . . any emotion was up for suppression; however, the ones which hurt us most were specifically targeted to be ‘kept out’ and/or ‘kept in’ the Machine. This entity was VERY strong for a long time, up until ‘we’ were 21 or so (both the personality, the mind, and the body).
The Teen, aka Michael, aka Matthew Washington. HOST for a long time. Very active, still powerful and controlling. A typical teenager with issues of his own; biological sexuality is now blooming (though we were a late bloomer – an issue for years – didn’t get pubic hair until we were about 15) . . . violent, unstable, illogical sometimes; given to rages and loss of self and control. He is a repository of most of our technical information and is ‘allowed’ access to scientific knowledge; a LOT of control . . . one of our ‘good’ drivers, though he is apt to take a chance . . . imagine a hard core teen with survival traits out the kazoo. “He” (and 13) studied survival for a LONG time . . . of many kinds.
The Marine: Artificial Construct which became an Entity. Active. About 21 years old. A younger Marine PFC or Pvt., well trained and educated with devotion to Duty, Country, and “fellows” (men under his command or other Marines or Servicemen.) He is dedicated to protecting Civilians, especially Americans. The Soldier guides him in the field, but he mediates what the Soldier does since the Soldier can be inhumanly brutal and cruel (due to the Soldier’s associations with “The Beast”), up to and including killing infants, women, children – you name it. The Marine (and others) keep the Soldier and the Beast in check – and kept them in check in the field when we could have actually hurt someone without meaning to.
“Sarge”. Entity evolved from “the Marine”. A subset of “the Marine”. Older (24 or so). Developed in order to take care of responsibilities, especially towards ‘our men’ (troops under our command) which meant shutting down certain emotions and reinforcing others. One, for instance, was love. We loved many of them – and fell in love with one – but weren’t allowed to express it. Indeed, we had to be prepared to sacrifice people we loved – our love and our men, in our devotion to duty, country, and our other men.
The Beast. Entity. Semi-active. Age unknown (ancient). “He” has always been with us to some degree; however, he ‘solidified’ under 13′s tenure, and then again under the Marine and “21” (another transitory being). Imagine an inhumanly cruel, vicious, sociopathic monster that makes Satan look pale by comparision. “The Beast” long held a desire to ‘consume and burn’ – everything. “He” is under control and ‘drowsing’ in a field in a forest (of Oz) in our mind. “He” more closely resembles “Puff the Magic Dragon” right now – and our ‘kids’ can play with him. He’s finally learned to love somewhat . . . and we hope to build within him a hatred towards destruction anymore . . . This used to be a very powerful, sometimes ruling entity and could be quite cruel. “He” hasn’t lost his power . . . just ‘temporarily’ set it aside . . . just in case it’s needed sometime. He is controlled by the Soldier, Little Michael, the teen and the Marine, D.A. Michael and some others.
“21”. Temporary Host. Semi-active. Born in under 15 minutes on a fair ride (quite literally – on a ride at a fair). Occurred when the Teen recognized and realized we needed love and he had failed. At that point the Teen pretty much ‘threw up his hands and died” – and 21 was ‘born’. 21 began working on our issues. It was then we began realizing we’d been abused and were not normal in some ways . . . one being that ‘I’ (or he) had disparate parts inside that did not think or ‘feel’ like him. . . and some of them had names. 21 is fairly dormant, but still troubled, and still aids us in helping to analyze what happened at that time (ages 20-25). He has a very specific ‘location’ (a small room where we all worked for some time in a huge old WWII building at the back of a huge Army base . . . ordering ‘things’ by the hundreds. We had an unlimited budget back then. Quite literally: backed by the entire Federal Government. Millions of dollars were spent . . . by our own hand.)
“Whistler”. (Ghost? Alter? Approximately 18-24 years old?) Active, but not allowed influence (if we can help it). A nice guy but dangerous in some ways. Haunts the Dark City alleys in the Neighborhood of my mind . . . and whistling . . . and lurking in my mind. We will not discuss him at this time except to say that you would not like him. He is nice to you . . . and more. Just not going there with him; this guy ‘we’ have to keep under strict control, lock and key, all the time. Just not going there with him. But we have had our fights sometimes – some REAL fights sometimes (cutting, burning, cauterizing it out of him . . .)
“24”. Transient Alter. Dormant. Not really sure, but this may have been the ‘birth’ of the current host being (M3) or “Michael” and the adult host being. May have taken two years to ‘evolve’, leading into something just ‘sensed’ at this time: #26. We’re not sure.
M3, aka Mike aka Michael: Current Host. Alter, Active. Fair amount of influence. 38 years old ‘mentally’; 52 physical. Limited power. Mostly I ‘work’ with my alters to help ‘run’ the system, “I” am there for my wife (sometimes); I am the one who make responsible decisions, watches the budget (“party-pooper!” I hear in my head, LOL!) – but I am a majority system and therefore must ‘bow’ to majority rule. THAT, however, does not mean I won’t make fight, stand my ground, and argue with the ‘others’ to make a point or change ‘their’ minds . . . however, “I” can be ‘shuffled away’ – and the ‘grownup’ in me sort of ‘disappears’ until he’s needed again. Think “long distance manager’ – though I might be the one talking to you face to face most times. I am also “split up” into various alters, one being “the Businessman” (exactly what the name indicates) – kinda cold-blooded, hard, and calculating, “the Father” (to all my insiders and some else); the father to my daughter, and sometimes ‘someone else’ depending upon the mixture of my ‘alters’ that I chose to display and/or ignore. “I” am often not aware of ‘things’ in the background; ‘they’ make plans and . . . well, quite frankly, I’m confused some of the time, and yes: I really ‘doubt’ this thing (DID system) – and hate it sometimes – but have made the decision to ‘go along’ – and ‘we’ have (in general) been much happier since, so I “bite the bullet” and go down/under sometimes.
Jeffery Thompson: (Entity/Semi-host). “WE” offered him hosting duties, but “he” declined. “HE” does not WANT to be boss of us. HE is just here to ‘help us along’. In our mind ‘he’ was ‘sent’ by someone else (perhaps God, in our mind.) We’re not sure, but we’re certainly glad ‘he’ came! (Born Jan 1, 2011, ‘appeared’ and made himself known on April Fools Day 2011.) This is our mediating being; a therapist, the ‘one’ who helps ‘us’ settle things internally; who brought us around to loving ourselves and one another; helped us determine our relationships to ourselves and others; determines plot & strategy for us as a whole, . . . This is a very important Being to us. We really are not sure of what all ‘he’ is doing – except all he’s done is help us, he has a ‘clean’ mind; a single goal: of helping ‘us’ to survive, thrive, and love one another and ‘build’ a more and better cooperative system . . . and something else . . . something along the religious line, which brings us to the . . .
Spiritual Beings:

D.A. Michael” (Dark Angel Michael), aka (full name) Angel With Dark Wings (Hands Full of Sorrow): Fairly Dormant, but can be Activated at any time. Very close to the ‘core’, and part of our spiritual being, future, and past being. He has been severely damaged in his ‘last fight’ (if you believe in reincarnations – and of angels, too.) No, he isn’t Archangel Michael – not by a long shot. As best described he might be a platoon leader for him – and he ‘leads’ little children because their hearts are pure and brave in battle – like no others are. And ‘his’ children ‘died’ in some God-awful battle . . . ‘sometimes’ and ‘somewhere’. “We” see him standing on a cliff overlooking an immense battlefield . . . somewhere far off; perhaps on a different ‘planet’, perhaps on a distant plane . . . he lost the ‘fight’ (or the will to fight) to something – over grief, perhaps, for his dying children . . . all of US are gathered around him; ‘we’ support him but he will lead us in the end, ‘we’ feel . . . towards something greater than ourselves and the Final Battle . . . we’ll see. Not everyone makes it to that end; some of us have different destinies when ‘we’ are released from this human body; this human ‘machine’ . . .
The Core: sensed and found last year early April. Imagine a ball of streaming fireballs interlaced with one another whirling around – neither warm nor cold, but like a lot of minds! – chasing one another’s tails all around; sort of a ‘solid’ entity – to ‘us’ it represents a lot of what we think god looks like: a multimind, comprised of billions upon billions of souls . . . all working towards some common goals . . . along with some ‘dark ones’ on the other side . . . Effects? Unknown.
“Satan” – Active alter of limited influence. ‘We’ split ‘Satan’ into two parts: The Insane Baby and Satan. Satan is our friend, but he can lie, do tricks (trick someone), deceive, play nasty games.
Satan’s Insane Baby: Active, but as best we can not allowed any influence our our decisions internally or externally. The ‘howling bad parts’ of that personality. Can cause depression, guilt, pain – but ‘our children’ take care of him. Sealed off from the rest of ‘us’, but can cause problems
Which leads us to a trick we do – or did. Having been faced with the ghost of “MOM” (yes, modeled after my mother – but an evil hissing thing) – we ‘split’ that ghost into two beings, one being “MOM” (still insane and living in the rocks of my mind – hissing, evil gloating, pessimism, putting down – undermining – ‘she’ tries to do this but ‘we’ ignore her at this time), and the ‘rest’ – the things we wanted ‘her’ (mom) to be we split off and made into:
Aoela (Ghost, Active, Low Influence) – a woman in my mind, made from the remnants of ‘MOM’ . . . and something else. Aoela is a strange being; a ‘made up woman’ sometimes – and sometimes quite real. She is very hurt by her OWN past – which is not mine! “Her” past comes from ancient times – a long sad story about an ancient priestess who fell in love with someone . . . maybe another reincarnation of our “Michael, Angel With Dark Wings and Hands Full of Sorrow” – but their love was doomed to failure; she was killed when she began to preach in the concept of there being one god after all . . . sacrificed on the Temple steps right there in front of the crowd . . . really looks like old . . . I don’t know. Older than Romans. Dirty, dusty, nasty . . . But she lives on my Island along with all (or most of) the kids . . .
At about the same time Aoela showed up (last year) along comes Sarah (Ghost, Active, Low Influence), then Samuel. As best I can determine these two kids are related; perhaps sister and brother, and they were murdered. Aoela takes care of them. This is part of her learning to be a proper mother (whispers a voice in my mind. So that makes 2:
Samuel: (Ghost, Active, Low Influence) I’m not certain that he is a Jewish kid; I think this was before Judism evolved. But something went wrong; their village / whatnot was attacked (by pirates come the words, but I think ‘he’ means ‘terrorists’ or thugs of some kind) . . . his sister hacked up and so is him . . .
Note: there is a notion in my mind that his sister may have been reincarnated into Aoela, but I’m really not quite sure. This is all a fiction as far as “I” am concerned – but a fairly stable fiction at that. I can’t quite seem to ‘get rid’ of ‘them’ – but I’m all right with that.
Religious Man, aka “Dad”. Ghost, Active, High Influence. Just like my old man, only spouting religion (Christian beliefs), making me try to feel guilt all the time (just like ‘MOM’), lives in a narrow ‘room’ surrounded by his books (very much like real life nowadays) – bedevils me with questions, is insanely rightwing conservative (rabidly so); can be highly prejudiced against some groups (example: people with AIDS: feels they are a religious curse visited most justly by god on them . . . including the little kids who were just born with it . . . doesn’t matter . . .)
The Recorder: Entity, Active, Very Important! Been with ‘us’ a long time. Can split ‘himself’ into 3 beings (temporarily, of course!) – until the information stops flooding in. Useful for classes and tech details, too.
The Scientists Crowd: Entities, Active, at least four or five. May just be ‘one’ with many ‘facets’ or ‘sides’ to him. Minimum requirement for most things. Known ‘sides’ include (but are not limited to):
Astronomy / Physics
Life Sciences
Social & Mind Science
All Other Sciences
The Crowd: Number unknown. Best guess? To infinity – or thereabouts. Each is represented by the ‘possibility’ of a personality and/or ‘double’ (whatever that means; it’s the first time I’ve found I’ve used it in DID talk; perhaps it means “quining”, as in to duplicate a computer program a second time.
There are also ‘ghosts’ or remnants of ‘other’ personalities – some that were formed at this ‘school’ or that one; ones formed – and then (partially) destroyed, ‘faded’, or just ‘gone away’. We can ‘sense’ them in our minds sometimes – hints of flavors, like; or seeing smoke and smelling a color. What effect – or influence – ‘they’ have on my mind, I don’t know. Which brings me to the ‘greatest’ or ‘biggest’ group of all:

The Crowd
There is the constant murmuring of “the Crowd” – a dense set of ‘beings’ which is really hard to ignore – and ‘parts’ of myself can ‘disappear’ into it, organizing some; forming ‘factions’ – lots of things. You’ve got to remember: DID (for me) is dynamic system, but ‘major players’ and quite a few of the minor ones are represented here for all to see. There are ‘other’ children, and “the pretend ones” on our Island nation – but those are for entertainment and the Crowd and to “take care of things” (meaning the health of our internal selves). Imagine a small Hawian type of nation, complete with a fat dark skinned chief dressed in a grass skirt . . . his friends, village, family . . . a very complete ‘thing’ and ‘vision’ to me – our ‘healing place’ sometimes, and a ‘place’ for our kids complete with ‘friends’ for them to play with . . .

This ‘place’ has also been around with ‘us’ for a long long time . . . I think it started when I was about 12 and read “Lord of the Flies” . . . and it started from there, this fantasy ‘island’ coupled with some science fiction I had read complete with Margaret Meade’s work on island nations (and the sexuality within) . . .

Lots of things.

PLACES:

The Ice World (no longer in use). This is a place where we ‘stored’ the boy (Little Michael, and therefore ‘his’ projection-turned-persona, Little Mikie) for a long while – over a decade and some years. This was both for our protection and ‘his’ in some ways, but it was a very hard thing to do and made us self-harm and suicidal.

The Island World: A place for healing, it has what I call “Pretend Beings” – items created for our ‘others’ – and yet in a way ‘they’ (the natives of our Island) are very real, in that ‘they’ love and can advise ‘us’ sometimes – very healing. And there’s no way it’s on Earth, or even (perhaps) in our local galaxy. An imaginary world, it has a horizon (deepening, with stars) that helps indicate how ‘we’ all are feeling.

The Dome (with it’s hallways). An old system of control; abandoned now, but the hallways (lined with doors) aren’t – ‘they’ contain our loves from the past – like long diamond shards suspended over stone pedestals, they can hurt and cut, but are beautiful to hold. “We” are very careful about ‘handling’ them because, well . . . it’s love. Lost and found again. And again and again and again. Until it hurt to hold them. So ‘we’ put them ‘there’ as part of our building the Machine . . . in order to get rid of those emotions. (Love.)

Dark City: Whistler’s place.

Oz Woods: The Clearing – where the ‘dragon’ or our old “Beast” ‘sleeps’.

The Babies Room: Where we keep all our insane ‘babies’. One of them is Satan, or at least a part of ‘him’. Another is a miniature version of ‘our mom’. Our ‘children’ take care of them.

Lineage:
I think “the Toddler” built “Little Michael” to deal with grownups and kids – and to shield himself from his mom (and perhaps dad). Perhaps Little Michael built the Beast around this time; more likely the Toddler did. Little Michael then built Little Mikie to handle pain, deal with grownups – while ‘he’ (Little Michael) kept himself around to play with the kids, go to school, and have fun. The two are intangled, with Little Mikie being more of a ‘puppet’ for Little Michael to hide behind.

Little Michael then ‘built’ the Soldier as a conscous effort (happened when we were about 7 or 8 – I can still recall the exact time, place, moment, et all on that one).

A temporary personality was apparently ”built” for our move to North Carolina (#9). He relinquished control when ‘we’ came back ‘home’ again.

This personality may have cropped up again when we moved to Germany. This is where “Jeremy” appeared. Our “little soldier” was strengthened by this experience.

Coming back, “13” was born, but soon gave the reins over to “The Machine”, in which the Teenager (Matthew) was born.

At 17 the Marine was born. He continued until “21”, at which point the Sargent was ‘born’. Then “24” (an adjustment in personality), then “26” (the age we were married – and found ourselves living with a woman and family – 3 kids). Then ‘I’ (M3) was ‘born’.

Last year Jeffery Thompson was born, along with Aoela, Samuel, Sarah, and Satan. We became aware of “Dad” aka “Religious Man” and “MOM”, the evil being. MOM we split into two beings; one became the insane side of her, the other (I suspect) went into the building of Aoela. Her ‘two kids’ (Samuel and Sarah) I rather suspect were built to ‘help’ her and others in my mind (playmates for Little Mikie, Little Michael, and the other little ones).

Theories, Suspicions, and Hypotheses

How the system is set up (currently working):

Sarah, Samuel, Aoela, live on the Island unless I call them up. Little Mikie often stays on the island, but he can come up on his own; however, ‘we’ have managed to ‘train’ him so he is more in line with “Little Michael” – as an attempt to ‘blend’ the two into one – a ‘real’ Little Michael. Getting ‘him’ (Little Michael) to realize he can set this ‘puppet’ down is a big thing to us at this time.

Little Michael hides a lot, but he’s ‘coming forward’ a bit more as we zoom in / hone in and quit getting tricked by him into thinking he is little Mikie or vis versa.

3 on Top, Majority Rules; the Scientists side and a lot of general knowledge is shared by all and the Recorder is bound to give certain information to all.

I suspect that Samuel & Sarah are ‘non-entities’, that is, ‘they’ were ‘sent’ or set up simply for ‘training’ our feminine side how to behave – be unlike our real human mother in some ways (no more violence, hitting, clawing . . . sigh . . . the list goes on) . . . However, if you believe in reincarnation, ‘they’ have a story to tell – and they are all ‘linked’ or tied together – D.A. Michael, Aoela, Samuel, & Sarah – listed in the order which ‘they’ appeared or emerged from the ‘system’.

An atheist would say it’s just an over-active imagination.

A spiritualist would say I’m possessed by many souls & minds.

A psychologist would say I’ve made a ‘self-adjusting system’ which is attempting to heal itself in some way.

“We” can build new alters “on-the-fly”; new ones may be emerging. A new one – or a new host – may be being ‘built’ without ‘us’ becoming aware. There appears to be other forces working inside of us of which we are unaware. Jeffery Thompson, for instance – we did not know he was there until ‘he’ just suddenly ‘appeared’. “He” is also the alter we most use for online communication. Several have been ‘hooked up’ (our creative ‘part’, for which we have no name – ‘he’ comes from the ‘core’ and is present in all of us) – to form permanent and temporary associations, such as our “Elvis” persona (which is a mixture of some more). LOL, and no, he’s not a singer at all; he’s a writer and is ‘modeled’ on Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens). And his “piano” (he ‘plays’ in an old dusty auditorium) is our keyboard. He is most apt to make some wry commentary – and ‘helps’ take care of our ‘kids’ – and has helped quite a bit in ‘us’ getting ‘their’ stories out of them.

This is the end of this current Inventory. Be aware conditions can change. Like any ‘society’, family, or group of beings, power ‘struggles’ can happen and opinions can ‘change’ as one group or another ‘takes over’ – which, by the way, makes me the most excellent devil’s advocate – since the current ‘being’ can believe and feel what he says – while the ‘rest of us’ know he’s very wrong, or is supporting an unpopular argument.

*We do many things like that – without permission or psychological clue to the hosting beings; that is, ‘we’ develop plans (some very long term ones, ranging in terms of not just years, but decades hence) and trick or force the host into them. This is a common method we learned when we were rather young. I am not certain how it came about except that it had something (perhaps) to do with my dad and his psychological experiments on us.

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Love is...?

Why do I write so much about this subject? What is the connection with Childhood Sexual Abuse?

My thoughts, mixed up as they are, are these.

The abuse that I suffered, gave me an altered perception of love; and of myself. I hate feeling smothered, possessed.

It is commonly believed that a child's character is formed before the age of six. I lived two lives. On one side a fairly average family life ; though my father was away frequently due to his work and my mother was slowly dying of cancer. On the other side was a nightmare of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse.

As I grew up I was exposed to familial love of various kinds. The twisted views of some of my family and the conditional love I was frequently exposed to, combined to totally confuse and instill fear in my young mind.

My mother loved me unconditionally. My father was very Victorian in his views and did not express emotions, i.e. he was cold, though I do know he loved me though . My sister was jealous and resentful of my existence. None of these harmed me; though later my sister would - at least not to the degree that others did.

My grandparents demanded a condition for "love", the grandfather especially. Love had a price, a painful and perverted one. When asked at what age I lost my virginity I used to glibly reply "four years old". This shut most people up when I explained why... My grandmother spent much of her remaining years trying to make up for the pain of my childhood and she smothered me.

The abuse that I suffered not only fractured my perceptions, it literally fractured me within and from myself. I developed Dissociative Identity Disorder - D.I.D. Disassociation occurred within me as an escape, a means to survive trauma. The different "versions" of me all had their own views and ways of dealing with love and intimacy. The connection between love and sex; for in an intimate relationship that connection must exist, was for me... fractured. I was... fractured.

When I first experienced romantic love at the age of fifteen, I didn't know how to handle it. In truth though no one does at that age, my experiences, feelings, perceptions made this all the more confusing and difficult.

Being loved, being wanted just for who I am, has been something I have struggled with all of my adult life. My feelings of unworthiness were stronger than anything else. I always used to seem to "fall in love" with the wrong person. I was well accustomed to being told I made a great friend, but that was it... I fell deeply, easily, and blindly. Was this love? Was it simply a desire to be loved? I don't know.

I've done all the regular "lovey dovey" stuff. Become entranced with someone, bought gifts, written love letters, sent recordings of mixed love songs to my hearts desire... Was this love? Or was this simply infatuation? Was I simply going through the motions of what I thought love required? Or giving what I so desperately needed to be given; time and effort from another that would make me feel worthy? Likely both.

When I did have relationships I seemed to always be on edge, waiting to be hurt. Fear and mistrust had been strongly instilled in my reaction to being "loved" I know I ended several because I wanted the control, I wanted to be the one who decided when it was over. Frequently I would then feel ashamed, stupid. I would berate myself for spoiling something just because it was "too good" for comfort.

After I had the breakdown at age twenty, things changed somewhat. I was married at twenty one to a woman fifteen years my senior who had two children under the age of ten. It lasted just over two years. The split was amicable.

This had a strange affect on me though. I knew what love was supposed to be, I knew how people were supposed to act when in love. I felt I was living outside the real world. For a good while I was the one being chased, the one who would say "you make a good friend, but..."

I fell in love with the idea of being in love. I couldn't let myself go there, I had to keep control of my emotions. I didn't like or love myself so how could I allow myself to be loved?

My relationships were strained, wrong somehow. I settled down for quite a few years but that relationship turned sour. We stayed together quite a long time though, unhappily for the most part. Possibly it was easier to accept the known, though painful, than to face unknowns, alone?

Even now, I do not feel worthy, so much so that I feel "alien" as I look at other people and I'm envious of how freely they express themselves, how comfortable they seem in their own skins and within their own relationships. It feels alien, or should I say, I feel alien.

Love.... Love has historically been the most written about, most sung about topic. Wars have raged because of it. People have died for it. Others have made complete idiots of themselves because of it. Love has destroyed nations. Love is also the reason for so much good, so much beauty and joy!

Those three words "I Love You" can do so much. They are very powerful words, almost magical. The same words can also cause panic and fear...

What do I know therefore of love?

I write of it, I have experienced much of it and it's side affects. My pulse has quickened, my eyes lit up, my heart has ached. Love is a wondrous thing when it is a positive and shared experience.

It can also be destructive and harmful.

I've read that some pedophiles have said they loved the child they were abusing. I was told this, that I was extra loved and special because I was the favoured one, because I kept the secrets. The "love" shown by the pedophiles that abused me was a conditional love. If I didn't do as asked I was punished..

That is not love, that is just sick and causes further harm and confusion to the "victim."

I was conditioned to see love in a different way. Love was used as a reward. If I was a good boy then I would be loved. If I did as I was told, if I shut up and put up, then people were nice to me. They told me they loved me. I was conditioned to accept and look for, conditional love.

This self-abusive connection formulae for love remains within me... . If I want love then I must forget my own needs, what I want does not count. I am insignificant. I am still unworthy and tend to choose partners with personalities, behaviors, and demands that reinforce that identity!

It has also affected my friendships. My desire to be liked, to fit in. I tried too hard. So I gave up. In the real world I have few friends. I find it simpler. The same rule applied for "like" as it does for "love"; I don't really like myself so therefore am unworthy of being liked. There are exceptions but they are few and far between.

To just be myself has been very difficult, painful almost. It has improved in the last eighteen months. The D.I.D. seems seems to have diminished . I am now in control of me. Additionally reinforcing my self-esteem in this unreal world of social networking I feel I am fitting in, that I belong. I have a purpose. I have cyber friends! I can take off my protective mask and just be me, though protected behind this screen.

I long to take this out into reality. To finally let myself be me. Am I good enough? Will I fit in? My mind spins with the questions and the doubts hide around corners.

Learning to love myself is the hardest thing I have ever undertaken.

If it frees my mind and opens up my life, the journey must be worth the anguish.

Yes?

Dissociative Identity Disorder

(formerly Multiple Personality Disorder)

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), previously referred to as multiple personality disorder (MPD), is a dissociative disorder involving a disturbance of identity in which two or more separate and distinct personality states (or identities) control the individual's behavior at different times. When under the control of one identity, the person is usually unable to remember some of the events that occurred while other personalities were in control. The different identities, referred to as alters, may exhibit differences in speech, mannerisms, attitudes, thoughts, and gender orientation. The alters may even differ in "physical" properties such as allergies, right-or-left handedness, or the need for eyeglass prescriptions. These differences between alters are often quite striking.
The person with DID may have as few as two alters, or as many as 100. The average number is about 10. Often alters are stable over time, continuing to play specific roles in the person's life for years. Some alters may harbor aggressive tendencies, directed toward individuals in the person's environment, or toward other alters within the person.
At the time that a person with DID first seeks professional help, he or she is usually not aware of the condition. A very common complaint in people with DID is episodes of amnesia, or time loss. These individuals may be unable to remember events in all or part of a proceeding time period. They may repeatedly encounter unfamiliar people who claim to know them, find themselves somewhere without knowing how they got there, or find items that they don't remember purchasing among their possessions.
Often people with DID are depressed or even suicidal, and self-mutilation is common in this group. Approximately one-third of patients complain of auditory or visual hallucinations. It is common for these patients to complain that they hear voices within their head.
Treatment for DID consists primarily of psychotherapy with hypnosis. The therapist seeks to make contact with as many alters as possible and to understand their roles and functions in the patient's life. In particular, the therapist seeks to form an effective relationship with any personalities that are responsible for violent or self-destructive behavior, and to curb this behavior. The therapist seeks to establish communication among the personality states and to find ones that have memories of traumatic events in the patient's past. The goal of the therapist is to enable the patient to achieve breakdown of the patient's separate identities and their unification into a single identity.
Retrieving and dealing with memories of trauma is important for the person with DID, because this disorder is believed to be caused by physical or sexual abuse in childhood. Young children have a pronounced ability to dissociate, and it is believed that those who are abused may learn to use dissociation as a defense. In effect, the child slips into a state of mind in which it seems that the abuse is not really occurring to him or her, but to somebody else. In time, such a child may begin to split off alter identities. Research has shown that the average age for the initial development of alters is 5.9 years.
Children with DID have a great variety of symptoms, including depressive tendencies, anxiety, conduct problems, episodes of amnesia, difficulty paying attention in school, and hallucinations. Often these children are misdiagnosed as having schizophrenia. By the time the child reaches adolescence, it is less difficult for a mental health professional to recognize the symptoms and make a diagnosis of DID.

Permission is granted for this fact sheet to be reproduced in its entirety, including the NAMI name, service mark, and contact information. (March 2000)

http://www.nami.org

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