I look out the window and see the world.
I ask myself, "Is life worth living?"
The loneliness, depression, heartache and pain
Are all presents I'm used to receiving.
I'm sick of being alone all of the time.
I want someone there who I can talk to.
I'm sick of trying and I'm sick of crying.
What in the hell am I supposed to do?
Am I supposed to keep on looking?
Wasting time and shattering dreams?
Or do I look in another direction?
It's so much harder than it seems.
How much longer can I handle rejection?
Stupidity allows me to fall again.
All I want is love in return
But gambling teaches us that we can't win.
I look out the window and see the world.
I hope to find the answers out there.
All I see is couples expressing affection.
I realise that no one will ever care.
I turn away and start to cry.
Of course no one is there to wipe my tears.
They fall down my cheek. Salt gets in my mouth.
It's time to annihilate my fears.
I'm not trying to appear weak,
It's just my heart can only be stabbed so much.
All I ask is for a painless affection.
I hunger for another's touch.
I realise it's all a waste of time.
I can't keep on living this way.
I guess I'm asking for too much.
I'd give anything to have the pain go away.
I jump out the window and see the world.
I wish someone was here to relate.
As I fall I notice the wind wipes my tears.
I don't want to die but;
It's too late.
Sept 1998
4 comments:
Well, since you are here today, I am assuming you didn't jump out the window. I am very glad that you are still here and very much alive. What helped me with that loneliness, and you can even feel that deep feeling when you are married, was to learn to love myself. Only then did I really start to live and find contentment within myself. No other person, not even a loving husband, could give me that. I had to find it inside myself. Looking outside of yourself, you won't find love. Look inside and love you for who you are - kind, courageous, strong, funny, stubborn, loving and so much more.
An excellent poem. Poetry is a great place for expression and outlet for the writer and the reader.
I hope others can feel this struggle and realize it is not a singular struggle.
Glad you are still surviving and writing
Excellent expression.
Glad you are surviving and encouraging other to express
So glad you are still with us. Healing from CSA happens, but my experience is that it's inevitably painful itself. Festering wounds hurt when they are exposed to the air, but that is necessary for them to begin healing. Hope and grace for your journeying. Thanks for your wonderful honest writing. Kindest regards, Kristin
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