Tuesday, 19 March 2013
And The World Turns #depression #survivors
It's been some time since I wrote myself on this blog. I apologise.
Spring may be in the air but I feel trapped in the dark, cold depths of winter. For some time now I have been depressed. This depression does not stem directly from my childhood, more a reaction to the side effects of my childhood and from a realisation of time that has been wasted.
I have been reflecting on my life. Though it has changed for the better in most ways, I still stumble occasionally and when this happens now the fall is from a greater height.
The past two years since my breakdown have been the most enlightening, the most healing yet also the most painful in many ways. I have learnt much about myself and others. My mind hid the truth from me until I was able to deal with it and no longer be damaged by it.
I stumbled through the last three decades of my time on this planet, often being tripped up and stepped upon by others (frequently those who should have had my best interests at heart.) Others have reached out a hand to guide me or help me up. Some of these have totally surprised and amazed me by their actions and kindness.
I was blinded for years by a need to succeed, to prove wrong those few that told me my life would never amount to anything. I achieved much and I lost it too. As the person who attacked my character on this blog earlier this year pointed out (in very bad English), I lost my businesses and with them the high flying lifestyle I had come to enjoy. The crazy thing is that I am glad. I have come to learn the true value of life. I did many wrong things and many things wrongly. I did whatever it took to protect myself and to survive. I am not perfect and have never claimed to be. Far from it in fact.
Having been attacked online earlier this year opened my eyes further. The individual who did so under different guises has done me a gigantic favour. I forgive them their ignorance, jealousy and stupidity. I will never forget however. Life has a strange way of coming back and slapping us in the face.
Going back to my current depressed state.. Reflection is not always healthy, neither is living the past over and over again inside one's head. The past is gone and cannot be changed. What can be changed is our attitude and the way we process the emotions and memories of the past. The past will never vanish, but we can put it somewhere safe. I fell into the same trap I have warned so many to avoid. I allowed my past control my present once again.
I am deeply sorry if you thought me ignorant, lazy or just rude these past months. I was "warned" by a twitter follower that if I didn't interact with people I would lose them. This person was trying to demand my time and gave ultimatums. I don't want or need people like that in my life or my social stream..
Spring is upon us and I do see a faint light ahead. Please forgive me my silence of late and bear with me as I shake off the dark cold shadows once more.