Moving Forwards in a Backwards Direction.
That doesn't really sound
very positive or encouraging a start at first read. Please bear with me
for a while and I shall I explain.
I haven't properly blogged
for a few years. There are many reasons for this, some of which I am not at
liberty to discuss. Others I have mentioned in another short blog about grief.
On top of this I have been taking a very long, hard look at my life. I started
this blog ten years ago. The url and original blog name is "What Is
Love?" That is another subject I
have previously discussed at length and have written countless poetry on the
subject. Good, bad and indifferent.
I had a birthday in lockdown
a few days ago (I turned 53, though still, in my head, I am thirty something), and
I am also classed as shielded. For those not in the UK that means I have
certain medical problems that would seriously complicate my situation should I
catch Coronavirus. It was a strange day.
These ten weeks in lockdown
have given me much time to think. I also shaved my hair off!!
Last year I was diagnosed
with Complex PTSD. Dissociative Identity Disorder and Generalised Anxiety
Disorder. This diagnosis was by an expert in the field. Not everyone likes to
be labeled as having a mental health issue. Many feel a benefit from having a
diagnosis. For me however, the above diagnoses were a relief. I have been
wrongly diagnosed and thus received incorrect treatment for a very
long time. I understand that diagnosing mental health issues is not an exact
science. At 21 I was diagnosed as having
Psychotic Neuroses. I was partly to blame for I had not disclosed the traumatic
injuries I received in childhood.
I am now working under professional, medical supervision, at
reducing many of the medications I have been prescribed. Several of these have
had very unpleasant side effects and some have clashed with others. I
am on a slow detox..
I have been told, and have
also assumed via my own research, that the diagnoses above applied to me. I
have written of such several times. Too many people with mental health
disorders related to trauma are still incorrectly diagnosed.
I sincerely hope that changes over the next few years. Sadly
the NHS does still not fully recognise CPTSD as a condition in it's own right.
It could be said, as the song goes, that since lockdown many feel “Mama We’re
All Crazee Now..”
So.. Moving forwards in a
backwards direction, I intend to finish the second book in the Beyond Survivor
Trilogy which is co-written with the wonderful Canadian therapist Donna Bailey.
"Phoenix Warriors - Beyond The Ashes of Childhood Sexual Abuse" with
@26PeacockLady will be released later this year. Due to certain agreements I am
having to rewrite certain segments and also replace others in their
entirety. Following that, will be my third and final book written as a
"survivor". It will follow a similar format to my first book
and the working title is "A Phoenix in Flight".
I have never made much money
as an author. Since my first book was self published, it took a very long time
to break even. What little profit there has been has been put into other
mental health projects. Making money or becoming famous etc has never been my
aim. My intent was always to share what I had learnt, to try and help others
through my own experiences and my own methods of coping and
"surviving".
Personally I have much
planned beyond that. The groundwork for which is currently already
being laid. A huge part of that has been learning to accept and love
myself, as me. I have other writing projects underway which will be written
under a pen name/pen names. There will be a crossover of sorts, as some of the
topics are ways to reduce anxiety, methods of meditating, making the most of
your inner potential etc. The big change is that these will all be under a
Pagan umbrella. They will not necessarily be written from the perspective of
someone who was once a victim. They will be written by a man who has embraced
Paganism his entire adult life and has found purpose, love, and peace at
last. A man that accepts his sexuality, a man that accepts himself, a man
who is finally learning that he is enough, just as he is.
Ref. Sexuality.. It is something I struggled with for decades. I
have lived with, and loved, partners of both sexes. The labeling of sexuality
is something that I am unhappy about. I accept that I am me. If I had to use a
label I would prefer PanSexual. As a male victim, I could not be sure, if I had not
been subjected to transgressive homosexuality (by paedophiles), what my
sexuality may be. Whatever the past, whatever water has passed under the
bridge, I am me. I like me. I really am enough, just as I am.
I also have a few fiction
books to finish and set loose on the world. I have spent decades writing. It's
time I sorted it all out and just get it done.
My new works will obviously
have new websites etc as it is important to me to keep them
mostly separate. I am not hiding one from the other, I am not ashamed of
any aspect of who I am and what my life has been.
Stay tuned and stay safe!
