Forgiveness and Punishment #childabuse #survivor

I've been privileged over the last year to "meet" many survivors of various forms of abuse. Survivors are a special kind of people. We have endured, we have come through the storms and we have lived to tell the tale. We are all different. We have dealt with what happened to us in our own unique ways. Many, if not most of us, will share various "symptoms" or "aftereffects" of what was done to us. That does not mean we can all heal in the same way.

Countless times I've been told I cannot heal unless I forgive those that trespassed against my person. Why? I've forgiven myself and that is the only forgiveness I intend to dish out. Maybe forgiving helps others, but I know that it does not help all.  Belief in God is not the only way to healing either. One thing annoys me above all others and that is being told the only road to healing is through religion. 

How I cope, how I move forward and how I heal will be based on my own terms. This should go for all of us.  I will not be forced to do anything against my free will ever again.

I've been asked countless times if given the chance would I press charges against those that abused, molested and raped me. YES I would! Fortunately for them I think they are all dead. 

I used to encourage others in the same way, but much earlier this year got chatting with a lady who made me see otherwise. It has to be the choice of the victim.  Trying to force a survivor to press charges is not the way to help them.  Being abused takes away our choices. It must be up to each individual how they decide to proceed. I believe the therapy process and time may well lead to the same result. 

I fully understand that not pressing charges leaves the abuser free to do whatever he or she wants. I am totally aware that others might well be abused because of the choices made by the victims. I do not condone this but I also think it wrong to force someone who has endured abuse to take the step if they are not ready. Each situation will be different and everything must be done to allow victims to make their own decisions, in their own time.

Most sentencing for those very few abusers that get to court is too lenient. Until the justice system comes down fully on the side of the victims and properly punishes those that deserve it I feel many victims will not want to press charges. There also needs to be much stronger protection for the abused post legal process.

Going though the legal process can and does tear families and lives apart.  This is something else the victim has to deal with on top of reliving the abuse and facing the abuser across a court room. 

I'm not a therapist. I have no training in dealing with people other than what my own life has taught me.  Some say that this is better grounding for working with victims of abuse than obtaining qualifications. Sometimes I worry that a little knowledge may be dangerous. I give advice and opinion only. I know what works for me and have also experienced what works for others.  I also think it is wrong of me to try and help others when my own road is still rocky.  This road though is paved with a lifetime of experience and each lump, bump, bend and twist has taught me a great deal. 

I hope it is not wrong of me to want to pass on what I have learnt.