No more Freaky Fridays for me. Today I shared this blog with someone I have known for over 15 years. I have spent my life hiding, lying and cheating, avoiding and denying my way through. So much of what has come out I hid from myself. I was not able to cope with it. Few of US can.
The reaction to my sharing was this:-
"Woah, man!
I had an idea of some but to such a degree?? Not at all."
I am sure he will not mind me posting that line. He is a good friend, one of those who is there even if you don't have daily, weekly, monthly or even yearly contact. One of the very few I can trust.
Sitting in quiet contemplation I have looked back at my wasted life. I have now been able to see clearly patterns of behaviour, cycles of living, ways to cope that I have been through. I have been driven by a need to belong. To be wanted. The survival instinct in me has taken me to some extremes of behaviour, I am not proud of many of them.
Survived is what I have done, sometimes by the skin of my teeth, sometimes despite my own best efforts to destroy myself.
I have survived. That in itself is revenge. Those family members who said to me I would never amount to anything were wrong. Just carrying on a semblance of a normal life was revenge, surviving. Being a success, being able to totally move on, being able to share my experiences and looking to help others is my goal.
I want to live my life, not survive.
The Boy That Lived.
The reaction to my sharing was this:-
"Woah, man!
I had an idea of some but to such a degree?? Not at all."
I am sure he will not mind me posting that line. He is a good friend, one of those who is there even if you don't have daily, weekly, monthly or even yearly contact. One of the very few I can trust.
Sitting in quiet contemplation I have looked back at my wasted life. I have now been able to see clearly patterns of behaviour, cycles of living, ways to cope that I have been through. I have been driven by a need to belong. To be wanted. The survival instinct in me has taken me to some extremes of behaviour, I am not proud of many of them.
Survived is what I have done, sometimes by the skin of my teeth, sometimes despite my own best efforts to destroy myself.
I have survived. That in itself is revenge. Those family members who said to me I would never amount to anything were wrong. Just carrying on a semblance of a normal life was revenge, surviving. Being a success, being able to totally move on, being able to share my experiences and looking to help others is my goal.
I want to live my life, not survive.
The Boy That Lived.
"I want to live my life, not survive."
ReplyDeleteMan that is deep. I love that sentence. You couldn't be more right. I'm going to tweet it right now. :)
Sincerely,
- Prozacblogger
Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteSharing is scary.... Don't share much... Scared of rejection! You r very brave!
ReplyDeleteHe sounds like a really good friend.
ReplyDeleteFriends often know things about each other that have never been explained or shared verbally. That is the nature of friends.
What a wonderful gift to give your friend. I'm sure he was honored. Awesome!
ReplyDeleteI believe the ultimate goal for all survivors of abuse of any sort is to LIVE.
ReplyDeleteSharing your feelings and experiences can help lessen your load. I know it does mine. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Jan