Well done you for giving male survivors a place to air their views. It's taken me 40 years to get to the point where I can admit what happened to me. I guess it's as you get older you are less bothered about the comments certain people come out with. The beauty of being over 50 is that you have been around long enough to know a dick head when you hear one. If anyone is worried about other peoples opinions then all I can say is, "Hang in there, you will get through and be stronger for it." I found that revenge helped me immensely, I don't mean kicking seven bells out of certain people, no, I have written a book naming and shaming the guilty parties. (I'm not plugging it, honest) After writing it and showing family, friends and to be honest anyone who would read it, all the guilt, shame and anger has now been returned to its rightful owners. It feels bloody wonderful. If you hold on to the shit they piled on you as a child then they are still harming you. Do something positive, live your life to the full, you were not to blame so don't feel guilty, and from personal experience I can say that telling the first person is the hardest. After that it gets easier and the load gets lighter. Good look to one and all and keep smiling, if for no other reason than people will think you know something they don't.
I appreciate the courage and work you are doing as a male survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Like you, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and like you, I am trying to change the mindset of the world when it comes to males who have been sexually abused regardless of age.
I too am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and also male rape when I was a teenager. I am now many years later sharing my story. I spent 16 years after my rape not telling anyone. The stigma was not good then and it is not much better today. We need to take a stand and promote talking and sharing to stop young men killing themselves through not talking. Cool. Good work and feel free to contact by email or via my website etc. Tim
Like you guys I was abused when I was young. It took me nearly 40 years to finally tell someone. Since then I have reported it to the police and my abuser was sentenced to 12 years in prison. He could apply for parole after 6 years. But after the court case I did a radio interview and a news paper interview, both under a false name. But from that a further two people came forward and reported their abuse to the police. The pervert is now serving a minimum of 12 years before he can apply for parole. I am getting through it all now and knowing he is away for a long time and knowing he wont damage another boy is really driving me forward to a much nicer place. I would love to write a book about my life, maybe I will one day. Keep smiling chaps, I think we are the real hero's here.
Hi I am female and from the same backgrounds and approaching 49 ...your page has helped immensely ...and all the comments and writings here thank you so much!!!
My two most important words for survivors: SO WHAT? if people don't want to hear the truth! SO WHAT? is someone doesn't like you for speaking out. SO WHAT? if you are shouting what is happening to our youngsters? SO WHAT? if you were a victim at one time? SO WHAT? if it is uncomfortable hearing the truth? SO WHAT? SO WHAT? SO WHAT?
I was never sexually abused. But my wife left the children and I.for what police and Social Services said was a Schedule 1 Sex Offender.=50 convictions=youngest victim 5 ! I reported it due to obscene phone calls from it,thats when they told us what it was.Solicitor,childrens headmaster etc was also present. It did,ny get the chance to do anything to the children,just the phone calls. It has left me feeling depressed etc.And there is no support. Friends deserted the children and I,they did,nt want to hear of such things. Ray
I am 35 years old and am just facing the trauma of what happened to me over 20 years ago. It happened at a summer Christian camp by a church leader. Ever since then it has been hard for me to trust others. For the longest time I did know what had gone on in my life. I had depression during my teenage years. Part of it was due to me not dealing with the death of a loved one, but once I got past that I started to recall this event. It's time to reclaim my life. I have started counseling, journaling, and working out regularly. If anyone has any helpful comments please feel free to reply.
I am 39 yrs old and am now trying to get on the path to straighten out my life due to physical and sexual abuse from a babysitter at a young age. The abuse was over a span of seven years, all the time my family had no clue. Cuts and bruises were passed off as normal from sports, and the lack of actual accomplishments in school was deemed as laziness or daydreaming. I finally had confessed to my family two years ago, and as much as they have tried to help with councelling and medication, I still feel like a fuck up.
I wouldnt drink or take drugs to numb the pain and memories, but I do know I have anger issues and I cause self harm just to feel something. Problem is, I developed a high pain threshold (an attribute developed by my abuser).
To me, at this point in life, all I know is Im mentally and physically exhausted. The meds dont work and really, neither has the councelling. I have tried many things to keep my mind busy and to set a positive path in life by volunteering as a coach in hockey and lacrosse and honestly I enjoy it.
However, following the steps of recovery, I foolishly told my assistant coaches in hockey a bit of my past and now, they have tried to use it against me to paint me as a sick pervert who likes the company of children. This just adds to the many stigmas that I have experienced thus far in letting people know of my past.
I understand that facing problems like this head on is fairly new in concept, and really, there isnt a full proof way to recover from lost innocence, however, with my own experiences, I am now leaning more on the side of silence. I acknowledge silence is the abusers best tool to get away from his\her crime, but with the stigma attatched to the abused, its as if I was being raped over again. IF ANYONE WISHES TO RESPOND, add me on twitter @tihsho04 or on fb under ian caldeira.
In 1974, at the age of 14, I was abducted, beaten and raped by a stranger. It wasn’t a neighbor, a coach, a relative, a family friend or teacher. It was a recidivist pedophile predator who spent time in prison for previous sex crimes; an animal hunting for victims in the quiet, bucolic, suburban neighborhoods of Lincoln, Rhode Island.
I was able to identify the guy and the car he was driving. Although he was arrested that night and indicted a few months later, he never went to trial. His trial never took place because he was brutally beaten to death in Providence before his court date. Almost 4 decades later, no one has ever been charged with the crime.
In the time between the night of my assault and the night he was murdered, I lived in fear. I was afraid he was still around town. Afraid he was looking for me. Afraid he would track me down and kill me. The fear didn’t go away when he was murdered. Although he was no longer a threat, the simple life and innocence of a 14-year-old boy was gone forever. Carefree childhood thoughts replaced with the unrelenting realization that my world wasn’t a safe place. My peace shattered by a horrific criminal act of sexual violence.
Over the past 39 years, I’ve been haunted by horrible, recurring memories of what he did to me. He visits me in my sleep. There have been dreams–nightmares actually–dozens of them, sweat inducing, yelling-in-my-sleep nightmares filled with images and emotions as real as they were when it actually happened. It doesn’t get easier over time. Long dead, he still visits me, silently sneaking up from out of nowhere when I least expect it. From the grave, he sits by my side on the couch every time the evening news reports a child abduction or sex crime. I don’t watch America’s Most Wanted or Law and Order SVU, because the stories are a catalyst, triggering long suppressed emotions, feelings, memories, fear and horror. Real life horror stories rip painful suppressed memories out from where they hide, from that recessed place in my brain that stores dark, dangerous, horrible memories. It happened when William Bonin confessed to abducting, raping and murdering 14 boys in California; when Jesse Timmendequas raped and murdered Megan Kanka in New Jersey; when Ben Ownby, missing for four days, and Shawn Hornbeck, missing for four years, were recovered in Missouri.
Despite what happened that night and the constant reminders that continue to haunt me years later, I wouldn’t change what happened. The animal that attacked me was a serial predator, a violent pedophile trolling my neighborhood in Lincoln, Rhode Island looking for young boys. He beat me, raped me, and I stayed alive. I lived to see him arrested, indicted and murdered. It might not have turned out this way if he had grabbed one of my friends or another kid from my neighborhood. Perhaps he’d still be alive. Perhaps there would be dozens of more victims and perhaps he would have progressed to the point of silencing his victims by murdering them.
Out of fear, shame and guilt, I remained silent for over 30 years, not sharing with anyone the story of what happened to me. No more. The silence had to end. The fear, the shame, the guilt had to go. It was time to stop keeping this secret from the people closest to me, people I care about, people I love, my long-time friends and my family. It was time to speak out to raise public awareness of male sexual assault, to let other victims know that they’re not alone and to help victims of sexual violence understand that the emotion, fear and memories that may still haunt them are not uncommon to those of us who have shared a similar experience. For those who suffer in silence, I hope my story brings some comfort, strength, peace and hope.
Thanks for having a space for us male survivors of sex abuse I my self went through the mulligan inquiry into abuse while in state care S.A Australia were I was placed into boys homes at 4 1 / 4 till I aged out then put on plane by the courts to wa and then Freemantle Prison W.A the same thing happened to me in the jail I was raped 166 times that we could prove to the inquiry but it took 8 long years of all of us to tell our story's to the commission I thought I would have peace after it was over but it took me 40 odd years to put the walls up then I had to re remember all the bad things that happened to me and outher friends from the homes it still leaves a very bitter taste in my mouth we were given a pice of paper saying sorry from 6 churches and also the premier of South Australia but now its worse I can't put the walls back up its hard if its never happened to you thanks for hearing me vent a little of my story kym Sydney Australia
Hi my name is David and I would like to tell my story . I was sexually and physically abused all throughout my childhood . If u have time to listen . TY
If anyone would like to have their story published on this blog please either do so in this section or use the "mail me" to get in touch and arrange a full post. Many thanks to those who have written here in the past, you are all WARRIORS!
I am so sorry to learn of your horrific story and years of PTSD seemingly making you a captive. Though I was an adult when three Crackheads botched up a simple mugging and I was kidnapped for a brief but violent six hours in which I was repeatedly beaten, robbed and raped~My life has been forever altered as the police released my rapist (a narc) and my born again Christian siblings abandoned me and my pleas for help as they chose to believe the homophobic Minneapolis Police's reaction that it was just a hook-up gone wrong, never searched for the car with the other two kidnappers ~ nor even write down my assailant's name. Six officers and not one thought to at least get his name? Instead, when I protested they threatened me with arrest for attempting to file a false police report.
Oh, I must have been shaken out of my mind for sure as I eventually entered my home and as the six squad cars pulled away, so did any possibility for justice or resolution. Had I let them arrest me I'm quite positive, I would be living a life in financial comfort as opposed to one hardly surviving on SSI disability for acute and chronic PTSD.
I appreciate your sentiment that you wouldn't change the circumstances as you may have helped or saved so many others. I am not feeling strong enough to tell my story as so many have encouraged me to do.
I am beginning a Masters in Writing in 2016 to specifically learn how to a) write my memoirs to tell my story and how I survived after losing nearly everything and b) launching a blog @queerasblog to begin sharing lessons learned as I'm beginning to re-engage with the gay community and give my opinion and perspective about how the Gay community has changed from the vantage point of a life long AIDS activist and LGBT nonprofit fundraiser and development director.
I would appreciate the opportunity to speak with you, or any other survivors ~ say hello @briangilad
16 comments:
Well done you for giving male survivors a place to air their views. It's taken me 40 years to get to the point where I can admit what happened to me. I guess it's as you get older you are less bothered about the comments certain people come out with. The beauty of being over 50 is that you have been around long enough to know a dick head when you hear one.
If anyone is worried about other peoples opinions then all I can say is, "Hang in there, you will get through and be stronger for it."
I found that revenge helped me immensely, I don't mean kicking seven bells out of certain people, no, I have written a book naming and shaming the guilty parties. (I'm not plugging it, honest)
After writing it and showing family, friends and to be honest anyone who would read it, all the guilt, shame and anger has now been returned to its rightful owners. It feels bloody wonderful.
If you hold on to the shit they piled on you as a child then they are still harming you. Do something positive, live your life to the full, you were not to blame so don't feel guilty, and from personal experience I can say that telling the first person is the hardest. After that it gets easier and the load gets lighter.
Good look to one and all and keep smiling, if for no other reason than people will think you know something they don't.
I appreciate the courage and work you are doing as a male survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Like you, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and like you, I am trying to change the mindset of the world when it comes to males who have been sexually abused regardless of age.
I too am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and also male rape when I was a teenager. I am now many years later sharing my story. I spent 16 years after my rape not telling anyone. The stigma was not good then and it is not much better today. We need to take a stand and promote talking and sharing to stop young men killing themselves through not talking.
Cool. Good work and feel free to contact by email or via my website etc. Tim
Like you guys I was abused when I was young. It took me nearly 40 years to finally tell someone. Since then I have reported it to the police and my abuser was sentenced to 12 years in prison. He could apply for parole after 6 years. But after the court case I did a radio interview and a news paper interview, both under a false name. But from that a further two people came forward and reported their abuse to the police. The pervert is now serving a minimum of 12 years before he can apply for parole. I am getting through it all now and knowing he is away for a long time and knowing he wont damage another boy is really driving me forward to a much nicer place. I would love to write a book about my life, maybe I will one day. Keep smiling chaps, I think we are the real hero's here.
Hi I am female and from the same backgrounds and approaching 49 ...your page has helped immensely ...and all the comments and writings here thank you so much!!!
My two most important words for survivors: SO WHAT? if people don't want to hear the truth! SO WHAT? is someone doesn't like you for speaking out. SO WHAT? if you are shouting what is happening to our youngsters? SO WHAT? if you were a victim at one time? SO WHAT? if it is uncomfortable hearing the truth? SO WHAT? SO WHAT? SO WHAT?
I was never sexually abused.
But my wife left the children and I.for what police and Social Services said was a Schedule 1 Sex Offender.=50 convictions=youngest victim 5 !
I reported it due to obscene phone calls from it,thats when they told us what it was.Solicitor,childrens headmaster etc was also present.
It did,ny get the chance to do anything to the children,just the phone calls.
It has left me feeling depressed etc.And there is no support. Friends deserted the children and I,they did,nt want to hear of such things. Ray
I am 35 years old and am just facing the trauma of what happened to me over 20 years ago. It happened at a summer Christian camp by a church leader. Ever since then it has been hard for me to trust others. For the longest time I did know what had gone on in my life. I had depression during my teenage years. Part of it was due to me not dealing with the death of a loved one, but once I got past that I started to recall this event. It's time to reclaim my life. I have started counseling, journaling, and working out regularly. If anyone has any helpful comments please feel free to reply.
I am 39 yrs old and am now trying to get on the path to straighten out my life due to physical and sexual abuse from a babysitter at a young age. The abuse was over a span of seven years, all the time my family had no clue. Cuts and bruises were passed off as normal from sports, and the lack of actual accomplishments in school was deemed as laziness or daydreaming. I finally had confessed to my family two years ago, and as much as they have tried to help with councelling and medication, I still feel like a fuck up.
I wouldnt drink or take drugs to numb the pain and memories, but I do know I have anger issues and I cause self harm just to feel something. Problem is, I developed a high pain threshold (an attribute developed by my abuser).
To me, at this point in life, all I know is Im mentally and physically exhausted. The meds dont work and really, neither has the councelling. I have tried many things to keep my mind busy and to set a positive path in life by volunteering as a coach in hockey and lacrosse and honestly I enjoy it.
However, following the steps of recovery, I foolishly told my assistant coaches in hockey a bit of my past and now, they have tried to use it against me to paint me as a sick pervert who likes the company of children. This just adds to the many stigmas that I have experienced thus far in letting people know of my past.
I understand that facing problems like this head on is fairly new in concept, and really, there isnt a full proof way to recover from lost innocence, however, with my own experiences, I am now leaning more on the side of silence. I acknowledge silence is the abusers best tool to get away from his\her crime, but with the stigma attatched to the abused, its as if I was being raped over again. IF ANYONE WISHES TO RESPOND, add me on twitter @tihsho04 or on fb under ian caldeira.
For all male survivors who haven't viewed Boys and Men Healing we invite you to to view excerpts!
www.bigvoicepictures.com
Boys and Men Healing.
***** TRIGGER WARNING*****
In 1974, at the age of 14, I was abducted, beaten and raped by a stranger. It wasn’t a neighbor, a coach, a relative, a family friend or teacher. It was a recidivist pedophile predator who spent time in prison for previous sex crimes; an animal hunting for victims in the quiet, bucolic, suburban neighborhoods of Lincoln, Rhode Island.
I was able to identify the guy and the car he was driving. Although he was arrested that night and indicted a few months later, he never went to trial. His trial never took place because he was brutally beaten to death in Providence before his court date. Almost 4 decades later, no one has ever been charged with the crime.
In the time between the night of my assault and the night he was murdered, I lived in fear. I was afraid he was still around town. Afraid he was looking for me. Afraid he would track me down and kill me. The fear didn’t go away when he was murdered. Although he was no longer a threat, the simple life and innocence of a 14-year-old boy was gone forever. Carefree childhood thoughts replaced with the unrelenting realization that my world wasn’t a safe place. My peace shattered by a horrific criminal act of sexual violence.
Over the past 39 years, I’ve been haunted by horrible, recurring memories of what he did to me. He visits me in my sleep. There have been dreams–nightmares actually–dozens of them, sweat inducing, yelling-in-my-sleep nightmares filled with images and emotions as real as they were when it actually happened. It doesn’t get easier over time. Long dead, he still visits me, silently sneaking up from out of nowhere when I least expect it. From the grave, he sits by my side on the couch every time the evening news reports a child abduction or sex crime. I don’t watch America’s Most Wanted or Law and Order SVU, because the stories are a catalyst, triggering long suppressed emotions, feelings, memories, fear and horror. Real life horror stories rip painful suppressed memories out from where they hide, from that recessed place in my brain that stores dark, dangerous, horrible memories. It happened when William Bonin confessed to abducting, raping and murdering 14 boys in California; when Jesse Timmendequas raped and murdered Megan Kanka in New Jersey; when Ben Ownby, missing for four days, and Shawn Hornbeck, missing for four years, were recovered in Missouri.
Despite what happened that night and the constant reminders that continue to haunt me years later, I wouldn’t change what happened. The animal that attacked me was a serial predator, a violent pedophile trolling my neighborhood in Lincoln, Rhode Island looking for young boys. He beat me, raped me, and I stayed alive. I lived to see him arrested, indicted and murdered. It might not have turned out this way if he had grabbed one of my friends or another kid from my neighborhood. Perhaps he’d still be alive. Perhaps there would be dozens of more victims and perhaps he would have progressed to the point of silencing his victims by murdering them.
Out of fear, shame and guilt, I remained silent for over 30 years, not sharing with anyone the story of what happened to me. No more. The silence had to end. The fear, the shame, the guilt had to go. It was time to stop keeping this secret from the people closest to me, people I care about, people I love, my long-time friends and my family. It was time to speak out to raise public awareness of male sexual assault, to let other victims know that they’re not alone and to help victims of sexual violence understand that the emotion, fear and memories that may still haunt them are not uncommon to those of us who have shared a similar experience. For those who suffer in silence, I hope my story brings some comfort, strength, peace and hope.
Thanks for having a space for us male survivors of sex abuse I my self went through the mulligan inquiry into abuse while in state care S.A Australia were I was placed into boys homes at 4 1 / 4 till I aged out then put on plane by the courts to wa and then Freemantle Prison W.A the same thing happened to me in the jail I was raped 166 times that we could prove to the inquiry but it took 8 long years of all of us to tell our story's to the commission I thought I would have peace after it was over but it took me 40 odd years to put the walls up then I had to re remember all the bad things that happened to me and outher friends from the homes it still leaves a very bitter taste in my mouth we were given a pice of paper saying sorry from 6 churches and also the premier of South Australia but now its worse I can't put the walls back up its hard if its never happened to you thanks for hearing me vent a little of my story kym Sydney Australia
This is a top site to be able to get things of your chest kym
Hi my name is David and I would like to tell my story . I was sexually and physically abused all throughout my childhood . If u have time to listen . TY
If anyone would like to have their story published on this blog please either do so in this section or use the "mail me" to get in touch and arrange a full post. Many thanks to those who have written here in the past, you are all WARRIORS!
I am so sorry to learn of your horrific story and years of PTSD seemingly making you a captive. Though I was an adult when three Crackheads botched up a simple mugging and I was kidnapped for a brief but violent six hours in which I was repeatedly beaten, robbed and raped~My life has been forever altered as the police released my rapist (a narc) and my born again Christian siblings abandoned me and my pleas for help as they chose to believe the homophobic Minneapolis Police's reaction that it was just a hook-up gone wrong, never searched for the car with the other two kidnappers ~ nor even write down my assailant's name. Six officers and not one thought to at least get his name? Instead, when I protested they threatened me with arrest for attempting to file a false police report.
Oh, I must have been shaken out of my mind for sure as I eventually entered my home and as the six squad cars pulled away, so did any possibility for justice or resolution. Had I let them arrest me I'm quite positive, I would be living a life in financial comfort as opposed to one hardly surviving on SSI disability for acute and chronic PTSD.
I appreciate your sentiment that you wouldn't change the circumstances as you may have helped or saved so many others. I am not feeling strong enough to tell my story as so many have encouraged me to do.
I am beginning a Masters in Writing in 2016 to specifically learn how to a) write my memoirs to tell my story and how I survived after losing nearly everything and b) launching a blog @queerasblog to begin sharing lessons learned as I'm beginning to re-engage with the gay community and give my opinion and perspective about how the Gay community has changed from the vantage point of a life long AIDS activist and LGBT nonprofit fundraiser and development director.
I would appreciate the opportunity to speak with you, or any other survivors ~ say hello @briangilad
Wishing you all a Happy & Healthy 2016!
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