We are taught that
true loves means that you love the person and respect the differences. If you truly love them, you love them as a
whole and would not want them to change.
If you want them to change it means that you aren't really in love with
them and the change will build resentment and cause a rift that will eventually
tear apart the relationship.
But my problem with
that is this. Our partners are not our
clones; so there are going to be differences.
For the most part we can accept these.
But what happens when one of those differences causes us pain and
distress? Do we just shut up about it
and slowly feel our soul become stifled?
Surely, we should assert our own needs?
We develop habits as
we go through life. These habits may serve us and even work within some
relationships. What happens if a habit cannot be tolerated by a new partner or
similar? Do we say "stuff you, this is me, like it or lump it" or do
we, out of respect for the other, modify our habits enough to keep them happy
without feeling we were forced and therefore creating resentment.
We are what we
repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. – Aristotle
Our daily lives are
often a series of habits played out through the day, a trammeled existence
fettered by the slow accretion of our previous actions. But habits can be
broken or modified, as difficult as that may seem sometimes. Is the other
person important enough to you that you are prepared to make some changes in
order to keep them? Some habitual behaviour may serve you when you are single
for example, but would not be appropiate within a relationship.
We are all unique. if
we are looking to find someone who is exactly like ourselves we would have a
long and fruitless wait. Even if we did find that person the chances are that
the relationship would become very dull indeed. Differences are good. Celebrate
them as long as they do not cause distress.
Our partners, the
people we value most, will bring out aspects of our personality otherwise
overlooked. Ideally, our relationships make us better people because they
encourage us to be more than what we would be alone. In this sense, there’s
nothing wrong with taking on some of your lover’s interests, or quirks, or
patterns of thought. There’s also nothing wrong with evolving your outlook and
behaviour to match a new stage in your life. It’s fine and acceptable that
someone may change slightly after making a significant commitment to a
relationship.
There is something
very wrong when the changes are more than slight. For it would be very wrong if
a chameleon stopped changing colours so it might better match all the other
changeless creatures in the animal kingdom. Thus it would be very wrong if a
person stopped being who they really were to better match someone else. It
would be worse still if they never sought to be themselves in the first place.
Having a well
developed sense of identity is vital to relationship success. Without it, the
chance of waking up one morning feeling totally lost and confused and isolated is
greatly increased. And, if you’re not already lost before you begin your love
affair, there’s a good chance you may be consumed by it. This is dangerous and
unhealthy. Yes, you’re creating a partnership, but effective partnerships
ideally require two independent, effective people.
Love? What is it
anyway? Some may claim that when you are truly in love then that love does not
to be expressed. The knowledge that you are loved should be all encompassing
and not require expression.
So about expressing
love....
Love should be
expressed in every way possible, through words, music, gifts, action, whatever
you feel like and maybe more importanly what the object of your love needs.
The problem with the
present communication system is that we talk a lot but express a little. The
concept of expression has taken a back seat and the concept of social media
quickies is in full speed drive. If you do not specifically let someone know
that how much you love them, it might take a little time to reach them through other
sources and that little time might cost you a lot.
If you do not make
someone feel loved, what is the use of loving. Feeling loved is one of the best
feelings in the world. We all live for that surely? There is no use of hiding
your feeling and thinking that some cupid is going to do it for you or that the
other person knows you love them so why bother expressing it. You should tell
who so ever it is, how much you love them and how important they are in your
life. Maybe not always out loud, maybe not always with words at all.
Circumstances might
dictate how you express your feelings too. If you are apart from your loved
then that is one of the the most important times of all to make sure they know
how you feel. The object of your love may not need to have your love expressed
constantly when you are together, but time and distance can bring issues of
insecurity and fear to the fore.
No one is perfect. No
one will ever be perfect and that is why happy couples don’t look for
perfection in their partner. They are considerate, patient, communicate and
learn to deal with their partner’s weakness and strengthen them with love.
Understanding your
partner’s boundaries is the first step to respecting them. It can be difficult
to make the choice to respect your partner’s boundaries when their boundaries
don’t match up with whatever it is that you want, but that doesn’t make
respecting their boundaries any less important.
If you want to
respect your partner, then you have to be able to see yourselves as a true team
together. You should think like a team in your mutual decisions and always
think of your partner when you make individual decisions. You should think
about you both striving toward goals that make both of you stronger instead of
feeling like you have opposing needs and wants. If you truly look at yourselves
as a unit, then you’ll be able to give your partner the respect that they
deserve.
If you don’t agree
with your partner, discuss the situation respectfully. You can’t always be on
the same page as your partner, and that’s perfectly fine. However, when
differences do arise, it’s important that you discuss them respectfully. As you
move forward in your relationship, you will find that there are some ways in
which you and your partner are fundamentally different. Though you can change a
bit to suit each other, you can’t change completely, and you have to learn to
accept and appreciate your differences if you want to truly respect your
partner.
The golden rule in
relationships is – ‘You get what you put in’. I believe a couple is supposed to
practice this before even thinking of changing one another’s habits. If one
finds that their partner has some annoying habits, let them get rid of their
own annoying habits first and from that change, a partner can also notice what
they can change too. It creates a war when one notices the others annoying
habits and wants to change them when they also have their own annoying habits
that they haven’t done away with.
With true love, a
couple can afford to overlook certain things that they know could easily
start-off the 3rd World War in their relationship. I am not suggesting you
overlook something then bring it up later when having a heated argument but to
overlook it and have the discipline and self-control not to bring it up again.
Arguing shouldn’t
always be seen as a negative element of your relationship. In fact, compared to
a couple that never argue, it could be that your relationship is actually in
better standing.
Why? Because arguing
is indicative of two people who each have their own views and opinions, and are
willing to share them. Arguments can mean that there is communication, and a
desire to share the issues that are important to the people in the
relationship.
In a relationship
where there is barely a heated conversation, it could be that one or both
parties don’t feel safe enough to express themselves. They doubt whether they
can be honest about their feelings and be heard, respected, and still loved.
A lack of argument
can also signal a lack of commitment. If you just don’t care about the
longevity of your relationship with someone, you might just keep your head down
and ignore anything that comes up because, ultimately, it won’t matter in the
end.
There will be those
who disagree with what I have put here. Maybe some would call me a hipocrite.
We can all change, we can all learn. Life is not stationary, we must learn to
adapt.
