I openly admit to having insecurities and the like. I am quite comfortable to be labelled as having mental health issue. At least I have health, I am alive. I dislike having my past used as a weapon against me. Many things I have written about here and elsewhere are a result of not wanting someone to be able to think they "have something on me" that could be used to my detriment. I am a fan of transparency..
At nineteen I was very depressed. It was the start of adult depression that would come and go for three decades. I believe that we are not predestined to have mental illness. It is a side effect. Depression, PTSD, DID, BiPolar etc. Trauma manifests itself in our minds and also in our bodies.
Some people, quite possibly myself included, see patterns of behaviour in all things. Neuroses run amok and can stifle individual growth and happiness. Refusing to see something does not make it vanish. Just because i am "broken" with mental health issues does not make me less of a person. In truth, It makes me a super man..
It took me a long time to develop pride in myself, to actually believe that I not only deserved happiness but that I could have it in abundance. I found it in the most unusual of places. My pride is another matter. I find myself having to have to swallow it on one particular subject.
My dancing, prancing, ever present elephant in a tutu has to go. It causes me too much anxiety.
In the meantime I will carry on regardless..
|19 and miserable..|