Thursday, 17 September 2015

To Be A Paedophile #childabuse

Tuesday, 15 September 2015

Missing Children Cold cases: Can u help? via @UK_Database_CSA


This is probably the most important page on this 15,000 page website. It lists many unsolved cold cases where children have either disappeared without trace or have been murdered where the killer has not been convicted of the crime. For the parents and family of the children, their grief is extreme and prolonged, and their only thoughts are to gain answers or info. Can you help ? Please click the Facebook share at the bottom of this page.

There are more than 1,000 unsolved murders in the UK, some going back several generations. But what happens when the trail goes cold on a murder or a missing child ? Detectives never completely close the files of unsolved homicides or missing children. They simply keep hoping that one day they will be given fresh information that may lead to finding the killer or that child. Here is over 25 cold cases of children – I have given a brief description of each case on this page but if you click the name of each, it will expand the full profile of that child.

If anyone reading this knows of a unsolved case please contact us and we will add it.


Click HERE to go to UK database

Monday, 14 September 2015

Child Sexual Abuse Imagery and the fight to reduce it's spread. #childabuse

Another word for child pornography, “child sexual abuse imagery” is the term that those working to put an end to this horrific crime have begun using instead of child pornography. Child sexual abuse imagery is a more widely encompassing term, and refers to content that depicts sexually explicit activities involving a child. Child sexual abuse images and videos are most often documented with the purpose of being shared widely for others to watch, and in so doing, victimising the child many times over.

Last month this was reported in the news. 


Google, Facebook and Twitter step up the fight against child sexual abuse by sharing a digital list of victims' images so they can be removed from the internet


The Internet Watch Foundation can be found here

Whilst many on the internet may not be hands on offenders they are encouraging the production and spread of this imagery and statistics show that this is often a stepping stone to being a hands on child abuser. 

There are many websites catering for those with tastes in "twinks" or "teens" and whilst many may indeed be over the age of consent in their country, the majority do not look it.  It seems to be more about a certain look, a body type, rather than the age itself. I have a friend who's older partner made him shave his body hair (he was young twenties at the time) so that he looked younger. This, I believe, would technically make the older partner a wannabe pederast

The use of the word paedophile is also technically misleading. The word comes from Greek and literally means "one who loves children." Please see HERE for a further explanation.

The Copine Scale which was used to determine the category of offence in child sexual imagery was changed on the 31st December 2013. Please see this link for more information. 

I have reported many Twitter and Facebook accounts over the past few years for having either obvious child abuse images or at best dubious ones . In most cases nothing was done. I know many friends of mine have also done so with the same response.

Perhaps, as was said to me this morning, prison isn't the answer for those who never go on to actually abuse directly. I do believe that anyone who is caught with child sexual imagery should be publicly named and shamed, forced to have long term therapy and also be on the sex offenders register. 

I am sure many will have much to say on this subject and would welcome comments and opinions.

Whilst I applaud the efforts that should be made as a result of the news story above, I fear that it will only be a drop in a very big ocean.




Hidden In The Eyes via @austen_james #childabuse

As a follow on from the recent post by James Austen, please take the time to read the latest blog on his site.

Hidden In The Eyes

Going through the family photo albums is one of the more awkward events of a new relationship. By comparison, the first night of passion is a breeze.
It is especially awkward for victims of childhood trauma as you get to see the before and after pictures. You see the damage carved into expressions and posture. You see what was lost. So normally I prefer to leave the albums closed. But now I was ready to face the triggers, indeed eager to find missing jigsaw pieces.

Read the rest at the link above.

Wednesday, 9 September 2015

Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker: Pain Caused By Regrets And Self-Doubts - Judging O...

The Wounded Warrior expresses the pain and self-doubts that many survivors carry inside, hidden from the world most of the time. Voicing the pain of surviving through writing whether it is a blog like Beyond Survivor - The Wounded Warrior Blog or like here at Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker is important because giving voice to our pain frees other survivors to do the same.

Continue reading here/

Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker: Pain Caused By Regrets And Self-Doubts - Judging O...: Please go and read the article "Memories and Regrets" from Beyond Survivor - The Wounded Warrior Blog written by my friend Jan L....

Many thanks to my very good friend Patricia Singleton for writing this article, and for all the hard work she does in raising awareness. 

Tuesday, 1 September 2015

Life could be a dream or have I dissociated? via @austen_james #childabuse #trauma #did

There are not many people from social media that I have kept a fairly regular contact with. A few have become good friends and others occasional acquaintances. There are hardly any that I have met in person...

One of those poor unfortunates is Mr James Austen. Regular readers might recall he wrote a guest post for me in April 2014. Innocence Lost, Grail Found.  I am a great fan of his writings in all their forms. James has had more than his fair share of "attacks" over these writings, unfairly so in my opinion.

For any victim of abuse to stick their head up above the parapet takes courage. To openly admit to having mental health issues as a result of such abuse and being prepared to write about it takes more than courage. It takes strength and a tenacity of spirit. James is a rare sort. He has a sharp wit, is kind and considerate, humble and often self effacing. 

Combining child abuse with gay adult "fiction" may seem bizarre to many. I admire James greatly. He is honest, humble, blunt at times, but does not slap you in the face with his writing. He brings the horrific reality of childhood sexual abuse and it's aftermath to the attention of the world through a genre many might think inappropriate.  It works though, and very well too. 

Childhood sexual abuse impacts upon all cultures, all nations, all aspects of society. No group of people is free from it, no matter how hard some seem to want to deny it's existence. 

I have come to know him personally, in the "real world" if you like. We have often discussed our pasts and their impact on life during and post childhood. I knew about his diagnosis of PTSD and Bipolar disorder but I often thought it went deeper than that. Most will know I am very open about being dissociative. D.I.D or Dissociative Identity Disorder frequently impacts victims of early childhood trauma. It is a coping mechanism. It happens to keep the "inner child" safe from the stark reality of what is being done to them. 

I saw in James various changes of mood and demeanor that spoke volumes to me. His voice changed, his eyes changed. I could have been looking at two brothers and not the same man at times. There were other hints such as significant gaps in memory and his own skill at self observation brought more clues to the fore. I broached the subject with him and he agreed to write a further blog post for me. 

Personally I am very proud of him. He has broached an area that he has not really discussed or maybe even given much import too before. I know he is very wary of exposing this part of his life publicly. I stand beside him, as I hope you will, and am there to support him. Please join me in welcoming James back to the Wounder Warrior blog. 

Life could be a dream or have I dissociated?

My earliest memory is of being sexually assaulted. My next memory is being told off for saying such wicked things. The abuse stopped and for the next seven years, until I was 10, I had a relatively normal childhood as if nothing bad had ever happened.

Fast forward to April 2015 when I found myself walking by a canal not knowing where I was, who I was, or why I was there. I was hot and tired and walking manically. I was consumed by panic. Whoever I was, I had clearly lost the plot.

I found my phone and after fumbling for a while, started the map app. I discovered I was about 2 miles away from Wembley. Then it all started falling back in place. I recollected that I was on a house sitting contract and had set out for walk. I could not recall any other details of the walk or how I had lost my memory. It felt like I had somehow lost the defining sphere of memories that normally surrounds me, but then felt it reboot and slowly come back online encircling me in invisible data and telling me who I was.

Holes in my memory are not entirely new phenomena. I had previously managed to forget almost all of the sexual abuse that had started as a 10 year old. I had always remembered how it begun, but as soon as the scary stuff started, I was elsewhere, certainly not there. Even now I only retain nightmare like glimpses and those memories do not feel like they are really mine, it was as if they happened  to someone else and I was only watching. Indeed this caused me to doubt everything and if it were not for other associated memories, events,  illnesses and corroboration from other victims, I would be sympathetic for the case for the defence – none of it happened, it was all imagined.


I was so in the dark about my experiences that I got all the timings and dates wrong when I first went to the police. Only recently have I discovered that the abuse went on longer than I had thought, continuing on into my next school. It was a photo that triggered this. I had been in a dance group run by the abuser even after I left his school. In the photo I was wearing the tee shirt of the dance group. Once I recollected  this other memories surfaced, one from an  after performance party. I remembered anxiously denying to concerned adults that anything bad had ever happened with the teacher. That memory, especially, was bad news to me, it seems we could have had it all fixed there and then.

I can’t describe this as amnesia. It was as if the memories were discreetly stored in an isolated compartmentalized part of the self, but independent, autonomous and not under the umbrella of I. If the self is a kaleidoscope of archetypes, this would be my sexual persona, who I am during sex. But to me, if not to my lovers, a complete unknown.

Sexual abuse continued throughout my teen years, but to all intents and purposes, it was this other me who experienced it. “I” still considered myself a virgin, told people as much and when I went on first dates fumbled ineptly, like someone entirely unaware of what his penis was for. This ineptitude for sex became part of my personal mythology and I have restated it through the years, believing it to be true. The part of me that was good at sex, the me who was playful and dexterous, mastering tantric techniques and multiple orgasms was someone else. Someone I switched into –  occasionally – during sexual activity,  conveniently forgetting about afterwards. I only realised this recently and it was quite a revelation, like I did not know myself at all.

As with many people, this disassociated part of the self is too some extent tied up with guilt. Born from shocks.

I was shocked by my behavior while I was still a young child, shocked that I went back for more, shocked that I was jealous of the attention the abuser gave to other victims and shocked just a few years later that I found myself, contrary to how I should feel, enjoying sex. (Anyone who sees this as a rational for lowering the age of consent is an idiot.)

But psychologically something else was happening too. I remember at fourteen being unable to decide if ordinary events like visiting people or doing homework had happened, or had been imagined. I remember having a mini existential crisis and wondering  if what we called reality was a subjective fantasy, like a dream.

My identity, my concept of who I am, was built on a fault line. A tiny crack was left by those early experiences and it got wider and deeper with every subsequent violation. I can now see that this fault line runs through everything.



There are different degrees of dissociation. Creative writing is a form of dissociation; when writing I hear the story and rarely consciously craft it. All the best ideas seem to come from outside me, often as a huge surprise. But something similar happens with other behaviors. As my mood changes I may be unaware that I have ceased communicating and angrily ask,, “What’s your problem?” As if innocent of blame.

Then also I have throughout my life forgotten some fairly major occurrences and people, some of whom I have been told were my friends. As my memory is normally fairly sharp, I have had trouble believing this and have assured them that it is their memories that are at fault. However  recent events have since made me wonder.

I believe some degree of dissociation is normal to everyone. I have described in other blogs how different roles we play in life require different personas. Just think of the morning after the night before for an inkling of this. But it is where there are complete breaks, walls over which memories can not cross that we have problems.



Having seen the film Sybill, I initially rejected that my form of PTSD was anything like that. But I have since seen that I was indeed displaying those same symptoms to a lesser degree. I was semiconscious  that two poles needed aligning and integrating, this was the grand scheme behind my series of novels, the Quantum Twins. Unlike Sybill, I knew I was creating subpersonas with unique histories and identities. Although my perception of the caged inner child underwent  some metamorphosis during the process, it was sort of on target. But the sexual aspect was entirely unexpected. Which is kind of weird as I am sure it would be kind of obvious to anyone who knows me.



This part of my story will I believe have a happy ending. The walls came down. I am still here. The disconnected behavior and patterns of thinking are still there, but now are parts of me. (Aren’t they my precious…?)



Follow James on Twitter here @austen_james
View and like The Quantum Twins FaceBook page here
The James Austen blog is here 

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