I worry far too much about anything and everything. I worry what people think of me and I have always tried to put the needs of others before my own. I worry that people have dark intentions or that their apparently nice behaviour is a guise for something more sinister. I have been hurt too many times, even by those I thought were safe. I really need to relax and let my inherent trust through. Don't I? I have a few recurring nightmares and dreams. Many of the nightmares feature abandonment or betrayal. I worry that these are premonitions.
It takes me a long time to feel comfortable with "new" people, to totally relax and allow myself to be, just me. If I feel I have been wronged in any way it takes me even longer. It took me a long time to make myself believe that I was an okay person and I still struggle with that concept. I imagine I am fairly heavy duty to be around..
I need to try and take my own advice and not allow the past to control who I am today, at least most of the time anyway.
I had a nightmare last night. It was about the fact that when I first disclosed the abuse I was disbelieved and called a liar. It got me to thinking what would have happened had I been believed 32 years ago. Would my life have been much different? There were no resources for male victims of abuse that I know of. The stigma surrounding victims was (I believe) far greater back then. Would I have been even more hated for destroying a number of families, for daring to speak out? Would I even have survived that? I have little to nil chance of ever getting justice (as do so many in similar circumstances). I could go after the Methodist Church for some of the atrocities done to me, but ultimately the blame is not with them. I am not after financial gain anyway. I want someone to say "sorry"...
Male and female victims of familial abuse frequently have no recourse if they have waited a lifetime to disclose. It took me three attempts at disclosure before I was "properly" believed and anything positive happened. I waited too long, so much of my life wasted and lost in a fog. There is no point in dwelling on that fact but I would strongly urge anyone who is in a similar position to take the leap and start getting their lives back.
This blog may not make a lot of sense, but I just had to get these words out.
Yes.. I worry far too much.