I worry far too much about anything and everything. I worry what people think of me and I have always tried to put the needs of others before my own. I worry that people have dark intentions or that their apparently nice behaviour is a guise for something more sinister. I have been hurt too many times, even by those I thought were safe. I really need to relax and let my inherent trust through. Don't I? I have a few recurring nightmares and dreams. Many of the nightmares feature abandonment or betrayal. I worry that these are premonitions.
It takes me a long time to feel comfortable with "new" people, to totally relax and allow myself to be, just me. If I feel I have been wronged in any way it takes me even longer. It took me a long time to make myself believe that I was an okay person and I still struggle with that concept. I imagine I am fairly heavy duty to be around..
I need to try and take my own advice and not allow the past to control who I am today, at least most of the time anyway.
I had a nightmare last night. It was about the fact that when I first disclosed the abuse I was disbelieved and called a liar. It got me to thinking what would have happened had I been believed 32 years ago. Would my life have been much different? There were no resources for male victims of abuse that I know of. The stigma surrounding victims was (I believe) far greater back then. Would I have been even more hated for destroying a number of families, for daring to speak out? Would I even have survived that? I have little to nil chance of ever getting justice (as do so many in similar circumstances). I could chase after the Methodist Church for many of the atrocities done to me. Ultimately the blame is not with them, or is it? It was the man they employed under the guise of Minister, a man who was supposed to guide and help people, not rip their lives apart. I want someone to say "sorry"... I want someone help accountable.
Male and female victims of familial abuse frequently have no recourse if they have waited a lifetime to disclose. It took me three attempts at disclosure before I was "properly" believed and anything positive happened. I waited too long, so much of my life wasted and lost in a fog. There is no point in dwelling on that fact but I would strongly urge anyone who is in a similar position to take the leap and start getting their lives back.
This blog may not make a lot of sense, but I just had to get these words out.
Yes.. I worry far too much.