It is so easy to say that you can cope, and have done so many years, but all that does is isolate you again, away from perhaps finally getting the answers to the myriad of questions that have haunted you for so long.
You may even believe that no one cares, no one would ever understand how you feel, and why would anyone want to listen to you, but all those thoughts and beliefs say clearly that you locked into a cycle of isolation and lonliness that will, unless tackled, condem you to silence for the rest of your life.
As almost all abuse, be it child sexual abuse, adult sexual assaults, and including physical, emotional and psychological abuse, takes place in isolation, and many survivors carry that isolation with them into adulthood, avoiding company, talking and associating with others, meanwhile losing out on the common bond that boys and men have, if they're not subjected to abuse.
Having been sexually abused, and made to feel powerless, afraid, hurt, upset, etc. you may still carry those fears into any situation you may find yourself, and still wrongly continue to feel some responsibility for what happened to you.
That includes guilt, in that you feel bad for anything that happens to you or even those around you. You also feel bad about yourself, and who you are or seen as. (Weak, stupid, afraid, nervous,)
Feeling vulnerable, and allowing that feeling to dominate your thoughts makes you shy away from situations that cause you to feel that, imagining or fearing, somewhere deep inside, if you’re not careful, you may be abused and hurt again, even just your feelings.
So, what do you do instead?
You avoid making friendships, avoiding any potential dangers that may exist.
You avoid letting people near you, especially partners, just in case they discover who you really are.
You do not trust anyone, the last time you did, look what happened.
You avoid making mistakes, because if you do, you will be again be seen as vulnerable, and lacking in some way.
You allow your abuse to continue to live your life, by letting the fears that has arisen since, control your thoughts.
You allow yourself to be controlled by your inactions to say, do or speak about what is really fucking you up.
Why live that way, being afraid to say or do what you want to?
The abusers forced that silence upon you and maybe that was compounded by others around you, but surely you dont like feeling isolated and alone?
It has to be said that in order to heal fully, and to become the person you want and need to be, you have to feel that vulnerability again, in a safe place, in order to become yourself, which can almost be as scary as being abused again, but is a necessary part of the healing you undertake.
If anyone tells you that isn't the case, then believe me when I say that unless you do so, you will never fully heal and will always have ghosts that come back to haunt you
Arising from the above, there is a clear need to have an understanding about the external factors that led to the abuse occurring.
Almost all incidents of abuse are physically isolated and acted by one person; therefore it is not surprising, that you may gravitate towards anyone who will give you some attention.
More often than not, survivors end up in destructive relationships in early life, which pre-sets the pattern in later life.
As this pattern becomes set, you often end up believing that it is a normal role of life, accepts what has happened, and continues to live that life, even though you may not be happy, satisfied or feel good being in that situation.
By undertaking a process of healing, it dispels the internal belief that you did something to cause it or even that you didn't do something to prevent it.
Everyone wants to be loved, needed, respected and acknowledged, but when abuse takes place, the boundaries become confused, and any defence becomes unclear.
You can also also remain bound in the memories that haunt you, so you need to find a focus on which to anchor onto.
That can be almost anything, but should, without doubt, be something or someone who is able to support you fully, without fail.
FEELINGS OF REJECTION AND ABANDONMENT.
All aspects of your daily life are negatively affected by what happened to you when you were abused. Confused? Read on....
Everything that happens to you is based upon a throwback to previous events in your life, and how you react to those situations.
It is based upon the split second response that happens when faced with an issue.
You automatically go into the following thought process;
MEMORY: Looking back at what happened last time, and what the outcome was, and basing your actions on that.
THOUGHTS: On what happened last time and what could happen this time.
FEELINGS: Based on what you felt like at the time, and how much it may have hurt you.
DECISION: Based upon previous issues, even if this time it calls for a different reaction.
ACTION/INACTION: Either you repeat the previous behaviour or run away from the issue again.
All of which leaves you feeling like "you've been here before" and with very little results.
Negative reactions are bad ones to develop, especially when feeling low, tired, or just a little pissed off with life in general.
Those emotions arise for many reasons, anytime, anywhere, so try to confine them to where they belong, which is firmly in the past.
What you are allowing to happen is a previous event, to re-surface again, and "dent" your recovery process.
Copyright Male Survivors Trust